For Everything You Were
Ethen had text me to come over to where he was staying, saying it was important. I'd dropped everything and was just arriving at his room inside the god awful hostel he was staying at. Knocking on the door thoughts were still bouncing around in my head as to what he might want as I tried to scratch off a hard piece of chewing gun from the wall.
Moments later the door opened with Ethen standing there is a pair of tight boxers and not a lot else.
"Fuck me!" I remarked, looking him up and down.
"Hey, you know I could have invited you over here to tell you something bad," he replied smiling.
"Right now… seeing you like that, I don't think I would care!"
"Oh shut up, you coming in or what?"
"Sure… so what's going on?" I asked, looking at large maps sprawled all over his bed. Ethen closed the door and pulled me into a hug before kissing me on the lips. "Hmm, toothpaste," I said muffled as I ran my tongue to every recess of his warm mouth before he could pull away.
"Steady, you might wake someone up!" he responded. I was just about to enquire who, when he looked down at the slight protrusion on the front of his underwear. "So the reason I wanted you here is because I was just looking at places to possibly go and really wanted your input."
"Oh, well could we not have done that over the phone?"
"Ahh so you don't wanna see me now is that it?" Ethen teased throwing a pillow at me.
I Laughed. "Of course, it was a silly thing to say. So what are all the maps for?"
"I went out and brought them from a hiking shop down the street. I wanted to give you a visual tour of the possible places I have shortlisted." I stepped nearer to the bed and glanced down that the one lying on top of the rest seeing it was for Utah.
"Of all the places in America we could go, and you wanna go back to the desert?" I asked, wondering why he would pick such a place.
"You seem disappointed." Ethen said, looking at my expression of surprise.
"No, no, not disappointed, I just thought… uh…"
"You thought we were gonna hang out in New York or something where every aspect of my life would be monitored? Jake, I need to stay low and so need somewhere very rural… somewhere I could get a small job as a farmland or rancher."
"I know, it's just… oh I don't know, I guess you're used to the country having grown up in the desert. Me? I'm a town and city boy… I like the noise, the hustle and bustle."
"Jake, I did say this would not be easy and up until the point when we're at that airport, if this is too much for you, you just gotta say."
I sighed before sitting down on the bed. Looking at the map I wondered how in the hell I was going to survive the amount of isolation that he was suggesting. I had choices to make, I knew that but each time I tried to think about telling Ethen this was not for me, I just thought of life without him again and bottled out.
"We'll have a car right?"
"I don't see why not."
"So besides Utah, what other places are on your list?"
"Well I have three. Texas and Colorado."
"Too cold, besides, that would cause complications."
I got up again and wandered over to the window, ran my fingers down my face before looking back at Ethen looking at me. "You know I am so torn."
"I know, I can see it in your eyes. I don't envy the choices you have to make Jake, and perhaps you think I am being selfish but I have to be careful… this is my life now, at least until my father dies."
"There must be another way, it can't be this bad!" I said, frustration showing.
"There isn't baby, I wish there was."
Ethen got up from the bed and approached me, running his hands up my shirt making me shiver. His strong hands pressed firmly as if giving me his commitment of love. I loved him too and it was so real again it hurt.
Back at home I was in a solemn mood as noticed by Cody who seemed to be a little calmer and controlled.
"You look depressed, wanna talk about it?"
"No disrespect Cody, but I don't think you'd wanna hear about it seeing as its about Ethen."
"Hmm, you're right, I probably won't but you have always come and talked to be about stuff and I was thinking, why should that change?"
I took in a deep breath and let it out as a long sigh. "Ethen wants me to go live in the desert again and I don't know if I can."
"Yeah he says he has no choice… that he has to be somewhere secluded, but I don't see the problem with being in a City. I mean, if anything it's easier to get lost as a person in the city than the country where there are not a lot of people surely."
"Jake, have you really thought about this, I mean really?"
"You mean going? Yeah, it's all I've done."
"You know you can stay. It sounds like he is giving you an ultimatum, so why don't you give him one of your own?"
"Firstly Cody, Ethen has not given me an ultimatum he's given me a choice and said I am free to make it. Second, I know more than anything in the world you want for this to go horribly wrong so you can tell me I told you so, but-"
"Hey, fuck you!" Cody cut me off. "You're wrong actually. What I have tried to do is try my fucking best to accept that my EX boyfriend is just about to walk away with another guy and handle it in a mature way, even going as far as trying to talk through your problems. I don't know why I fucking bother!"
I ran my hand down my face. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I'm just frustrated that's all. I've been so terrible to you haven't I?"
"I'm glad you finally realise that, yeah you have and I'm doing my best here, Jake, it ain't easy. Every time I close my eyes all I see you him and you… together, laughing, fucking, and I can't to jack shit about it. You really wanna know how it feels to have those images in your mind every minute of the day?"
"No, I guess not."
"Sometimes I wanna scream until I have no voice left. Sometimes I wanna die because the only happiness I think I have ever experienced in my miserable fucking life is when we were together and the icing on the cake is that I have lost you once to Ethen and now I'm about to lose you again and that hurts double this time because I never saw this coming unlike last time."
"Are you finished?"
"Yeah, I'm finished, in every sense of the word."
"Do you wanna go out somewhere?"
"Wha… what the fuck?!"
"Cody I'm tired of arguing, my head is fucked, I love you and I'm in love with him. I cant make this better and we keep going round in circles. Let's go out and do something we used to before this all went crazy, just the two of us."
"Sometimes I think you are losing the plot!"
"Is that a yes?"
"Fine, let's go out and pretend everything is cool."
"Great answer, I'll get my trainers."
I got up and walked passed Cody who was looking at like I had indeed lost the plot. Maybe I had, maybe I really was so fucked up now that I thought anything was rational. Either way there was something compelling me to get out of the house and do something that at least felt a little normal.
At the bottom of the stairs I pulled on my sneakers before taking my house keys from the hook. I called to mum who was laying in the garden and said I would be a while. Cody came down the stairs still looking shocked I wanted to go out somewhere with him but I just smiled as best I could. It was all I could think of to do.
"Ready?" I asked, pulling down on my t-shirt.
"Good, let's go."
For some reason we ended up at the old pill box we used to come often before the innocence in our lives was taken away with moving to America and finding love. Cody talked a little about Luke and how hurt he'd been when he found out we were going home. It suddenly occurred to me that I was the cause of all Cody's problems in the love department not that I was about to admit it. Meh, he probably already knew.
I climbed onto the roof and sat on the edge, kicking my heels against the side of the old war shelter. Cody followed me up shortly after, sitting next to me.
"Funny what a little sunshine and warm air can do to your mood." I announced, looking over across the fields. The same fields I had grew up with, each season telling a different story. One year was Potatoes. I remember that because it was the time I fell out of a tree and broke my arm. Another was corn when we played hide and seek when it had fully grown. But the one that sticks out in my mind most sharply is rape seed which was two years ago and was the crop I smelled in the air when I first told Cody I had feelings for him, right outside this very pill box.
At least that's how I remember it.
"Your quiet." I said, suddenly realising Cody had not said a word since I last spoke.
"Just thinking that's all."
"About?" I asked, turning to look at him.
"Yeah I do that quite a lot. For what's it's worth, I'm sorry I have been a crap friend and crap boyfriend, I seem to make it my aim to fuck people's lives up including my own."
Cody sniggered. "forget it. We're both young. I'm sure there are people in this world that have bigger problems to deal with right?"
"Oh yeah, I don't doubt its just you always think yours is the biggest of them all at the current moment."
"Yeah I agree with you there."
"I do love you you know, Cody, I never set out to hurt you or anyone, I wish you knew that."
"I know that Jake, I've known you long enough to work out you don't have a bad bone in your body. I guess I have been so blinded by anger and sadness that I didn't… well I don't know but look, I do know this must be hard for you too. Granted, I might not agree with what you are doing or what you have done for that matter but I do get it when you can't help being in love with someone."
"I'm glad," I said, giving him a smile. His face remained serious and moments later I could see his face coming towards mine. Before I knew what was happening we were locked into a slow lingering kiss that I put up absolutely no resistance to. On the contrary, I wanted the kiss. I wanted to taste the guy I had let down so badly, I wanted to punish Ethen for putting me in this situation, I wanted gratification, attention, guilt, yeah I wanted to feel guilty, I wanted to feel that guilt ripple through me as I deepened the kiss, grabbing Cody's face in my hand and whimpering softly.
"Don't go." Cody said, briefly pulling away then coming back at my mouth for another assault.
"I need to." I replied mimicking his actions.
We now had our hands all over each other's body and I was starting to become aware that this was heading in the wrong direction. Cody squeezed my crotch, making me yelp in pleasure as it seemed to give gentle relief to my throbbing dick.
"We can't do this," I said, trying to pull away.
Cody let me go and to my surprise smiled. "Glad to see I still do it for you," he said, almost cockily.
"You know you do, but all the same, it's wrong."
"You're right, I took advantage, I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I was to blame too."
I took a few breaths before jumping off the roof of the pill box and walked a couple of paces away trying to gather my thoughts. Cody jumped down too and came up behind me before pulling me backwards into the shelter, beginning his assault on me again.
Before I knew where I was I was frantically unbuttoning his shirt while he was tugging at the belt to my jeans, thumbling around to undo it. I wanted him to stop so badly but I let him continue all the same. Successfully getting my belt loose he moved on to the buttons on my jeans, this time able to expertly pop them one by one. He lunged at my neck with his warm lips, kissing me all over, sucking on me like some blood thirsty maniac while I ripped his shirt off even hearing the material tear as I did. Cody didn't seem to mind though as he was too busy with his lustful assault on me.
We were going to have sex, I knew it, I could feel what was coming. Each time the guilt of that realisation screamed at me to stop this. But the devil also inside me kept egging me on. The world was spinning, it was like we were new again. New smells permeated with old, old feelings with new feelings. I had treated him so badly and yet he still loved me so much; his actions, his passions and his determination told me so.
I just closed my eyes and went with it!
Cody appeared from the doorway of the pillbox in the middle of buttoning up his shirt. He had that smile on him, that smile of satisfaction mixed with just a hint of cheekiness. What I thought would lead to sex did indeed do so ending with him ejaculating inside the walls of my bowels. It had felt amazing and I had cum just as I could feel him pulsating inside me. But now? Now the guilt had retuned and as I watched him smile, I remained fixed and expressionless.
"You ok?" he asked, coming to place a hand on my shoulder. "Let me guess, you feel bad right?"
"Would I?" Cody shrugged. "Depends. Depends on what you want."
"I want my mind to stop spinning."
"Then choose… choose who you want to be with."
"I want to be with Ethen, Cody!"
"Then choose Ethen. Just cause we had sex, don't let me get in the way of what is going to be."
"We shouldn't have had sex."
"Why not, we both wanted it, I know I certainly did."
I looked at the floor. "And so did I, I missed it."
"And now we have done it, we can't go back and undo it."
"You've changed," I remarked, pursing my lips.
"Yeah, I have. I don't care anymore… in fact no, not caring are the wrong words to use. I guess I have just accepted it. Whatever happens, Jake, whether we are laughing, crying, arguing, shouting… or even having sex, I can't change what's going to happen. I know that now."
"I'm gonna tell him, I have to, its-"
"Tell him we had sex?"
"Yeah, you think I shouldn't, right?"
"The easiest thing for me to say would be yeah tell him and then when he throws you away for betraying him you'll come running back to me. A week or so ago I would have told you to do that with the hope that's precisely what would happen."
"Now I just want you to be happy. I want a happy you with someone else rather than an unhappy you with me. I can't be him, I can't match him and I know what he has is what you want. All I'll say on the matter of telling him is that is it really necessary?"
I shook my head and started walking slowly up the farm road. Cody must have taken it as our cue to start heading back because he soon started coming too, not saying anything.
I'm leaving early!" Ethen announced out of the blue as we sat in a quiet café on the edge of town. I had gone to meet him after a text came through from him telling me it was urgent.
I looked at him, eyes wide open and surprised. "Early? Whats early?"
"Two days!" He said quickly, breaking his eye contact with me.
"What the… Ethen, you cant just drop this on me, I am working things through with family, with Cody… fuck, even with myself!"
"Keep your voice down… my dad knows I am in the UK, alright, and… and he'll know why!"
"Jesus!" I whispered, running a hand through my hair. "How… I mean when, and who told you?"
"I got an e-mail from a guy I know in the states, he helped me for a few weeks. He's an ace with computers and managed to get the info from an e-mail server my dad was using."
"He's a SPY?" I asked, gawping.
"Shhhhh! No, not a real one, he just knows stuff. He said he would look out for me, if you know what I mean."
I fidgeted in my seat. "This uh… this guy, have you um-"
"Have I had sex with him? Yes I have, and before you freak out about that, just remember my situation… our situation before I contacted you. What's more, also bear in mind you have had sex with Cody since I have been in the UK."
"Huh? How did you…"
"Because I know your eyes, and your body language when you are either hiding something or feeling guilty about something. But, I get it ok?" Ethen said, matter of fact.
"I'm sorry, it just happened, I was confused about stuff."
"It happened because you wanted it to happen Jake. Please do not feel bad or guilty about it. I get me coming here has been an almighty head fuck for you and if you want me to be honest, I never thought you would be half as receptive about dropping everything and just coming with me to America as you have been."
"So you're not gonna tell me to do one?"
"Jake, Cody has been, and still is a big part of your life. When I died, quote unquote, I expected you to get back with him and up until I arrived I would imagine you had a pretty healthy sex life together. Anyway, my point is, I can hardly chastise you for wanting to have one last session with a guy that has been your boyfriend for the last year or so."
"You've been meditating haven't you?" I asked, letting my lips curl up slightly.
"When I knew in my heart you had had sex with Cody, yeah I meditated to control my emotions. Sure, I wanted to punch a wall at first but it was a purely selfish thought and all those feels have been washed away now."
"Wish I could wash all my feelings away."
"You can, it just takes a lot of practise. Anyway, going back to what I announced, what do you think?"
I sighed. "Two days?" I asked again, hoping I had made a mistake. Ethen just nodded.
"Sorry baby, I gotta leave now he knows I'm here."
Leaning back on my chair I took a sip from my coffee cup and stared at the commotion outside before fixing my eyes back on Ethen.
"Guess I better start getting my shit together then."
"That's my boy!"
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