For Everything You Were
Why Do I Find It So Hard to Say the Next Line
(I want The Truth to Be Said)
I fell onto my back and tilted my head up still breathing hard. Looking around the sparse room I went from piece of clothing to piece of clothing scattered all around the room which evidenced our rather passionate exchange. Unable to say anything due to the impeding guilt I was feeling I just dropped my head back down and lay there, before wiping my brow of cold sweat.
Ethen too was silent. I glanced at his expression with my eyes and could see a nervous stare held at a fixed point on the ceiling. With my cock now deflating I scooted to an upright position before pulling my underwear from the side of the bed.
"We shouldn't have done that should we?" Ethen asked, timidly. I just shrugged and held my back to him not wanting to answer a question that my brain was screaming for me to agree. Instead I got up and headed over to my jeans that were creased up in the corner of the room. Taking out a clean tissue I normally kept in most of my trousers, I slid it up the side of my inner thigh to remove a string of Ethen's deposit that he had shot over me on his trip to nirvana.
"I should go," I said, pulling my t-shirt on.
"So what happens now?" Ethen asked, watching me get dressed.
"Dunno, you were the one coming out with the cold facts of the situation, I thought you knew. All I know is, I just cheated on my boyfriend and its making me feel shit."
"Are you going to tell him?"
Ethen raised a brow. "How?"
"Cos it's written all over my face Ethen, what can I say, I'm a bad liar."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Something tells me you did it already. Look this was my fault. I wanted this. The fact I am annoyed is because I was weak, not because you have done anything wrong."
"I could have stopped us."
"Yeah, but at the time, I didn't want you to."
Ethen got up and came over to where I was standing and gripped my arms with his hands. He looked at me thoughtfully, my sad face telling both of us we'd made a mistake. He sighed and bit his bottom lip.
"Can I say something that is probably going to go against everything I have said up to now, and also something that is really not in my character?"
I looked at the floor before back into his eyes. "I guess."
"In those few seconds, you know, after we'd finished, I was thinking… probably selfishly, but still, I was thinking."
"Spit it out Ethen."
"I want to say, you need to make a choice ok?"
"Yeah, I know I said pretty much the opposite up to now, but just hear me out."
"I want you, and I want to be with you. I don't want to hurt anyone, that much is still the same, but you need to make a choice as to whether you want to face the consequences of being with me. If you do, then baby, I will be right here waiting. If you chose otherwise then like I said before, I love you enough to respect that."
"Why the change of mind?"
"No, you are reading me wrong. Jake, I have always wanted you back, I have always loved you… never stopped. The only difference is, now I am being honest with the fact I am willing to see you break it with Cody… perhaps if you wanna hear it another way, I am being a little more selfish in my feelings."
"No, no I understand."
"So that's where I stand. I'm not saying it will be an easy life, and we may have to move around a lot, but I have this nagging feeling we were supposed to be a couple and I can't just walk away without really exploring if that's even possible."
"I've been thinking too. You are right; I do have a lot to lose. My family, Cody, my home and all the things I have got used to again, but…" I trailed off.
"But?" Ethen repeated, hanging on my every word in anticipation.
I let out a grunt, smiled and shook my head. "You know Ethen, my mum said to me, probably more than once, follow your heart, remember you only have one life and most of all, have no regrets."
"Good advice, no?"
"Maybe, but If I go home and say to her, mum, you know what, I'm gonna take your advice about those three things you said and I've decided to leave with Ethen? Well let's just say she'll probably deny she ever said it."
Ethen took my head in his hands. "Jake, this is your choice to make. It's going to be a hard one and might be the biggest you make in your life so think about it long and hard ok?"
"Scary thing is Ethen, I think as soon as I walked into that hotel room back when I first saw you again; I'd made up my mind what I wanted. The feelings, they were still there. And… and to still have those after all this time, even despite the fact I love Cody to bits, it told me that if I walked away from you a second time I would really regret it."
"Then I am glad I was finally able to be a little bit selfish and tell you how fucking hard it would have been to walk away from you and not really said how much I wanted you to be with me."
I nodded. "So um, I should probably be getting back. I'll call you when… I just call you when I know how this is going to play out."
"I'll be here."
Ethen kissed me on the forehead, then the lips and gave me a tight hug as if for support. I was under no illusion that the coming days were going to be the hardest of my life. I left his embrace and started for the grubby door.
"Oh, and Jake?"
"You do know what this means right, I mean what this really means?"
"I might be about to take the biggest gamble of my life? Or the fact I am about to accept I might move away from everything and everyone I have ever known and may not see them for a long time."
"Just so you know babe, just so you know.
I nodded before walking out and closing the door.
As my key made contact with the front door to my house mum opened it with an expectant look on her face. I attempted a smile and walked in past her, hearing her quickly close the door and following me into the lounge.
"Where's Cody?" I asked, slumping into one of the sofas.
"Upstairs, he hasn't really come out of your room since you left."
"At work, he had to attend a meeting last minute. So, did you both find peace during your walk?"
I looked up at her and took in a deep breath. "I um, I need to tell you something."
Mum slowly made her way over to the sofa and sat down next to me. "What? Is everything ok? Is Ethen ok?"
I stared at the wall ahead of me and blinked back some developing tears that had surfaced due to the enormity of what I had to tell her.
"Honey, are you ok?"
"Mum, I'm breaking it off with Cody and… and I am going to be with Ethen, I can't lose him again."
Mum got up and walked over to the window with her hand over her mouth. I saw her heave as if emotion suddenly taking over her.
She sniffed before turning round. "I… I can't stop you can I?" she asked, as if already knowing the answer.
"Mum, I can't explain it, but it's like we were meant to meet, meant to be together. Something powerful has made this all happen. Something so strong it even manifested a way for Ethen to find a way of letting me know is was still alive. I keep thinking, if we are not meant to be, then why? Why has all this happened? Why did we go to America, why did Ethen pick us up from the airport, why out of all the places we could have ended up we ended up in that little desert patch containing five houses with him happening to be in one of them. And… and now this. Mum, he came back, he came back from the dead… to see me!"
Mum was now choking back tears as I passionately put my case across for what probably seemed like a mad decision in her eyes. "J-Jake, you're my little boy, my only little boy, and… and you're so delicate and… well don't you think you should think about this first?"
"I've thought about nothing else Mum, this is what I want."
I sighed. "That's gonna be the mountain."
"He'll be heart broken, Jake, you know that don't you." I closed my eyes not wanting to think about it.
"I'll deal with it mum. Do you think you could talk to dad?"
"Jake, can you just please slow down, it's like you are getting ready to go today!"
"I just want to get this weight off mum, I feel guilty like you wouldn't believe and for what? Because I want to be happy and follow my heart, have no regrets, remember that?"
"I'll speak to your father. Jake don't mistake me, you're our only child and my miracle boy. My entire life is devoted to making sure you are happy and get all the love and fulfilment you can out of life, but spare a thought for the people that will be hugely affected from what you are planning Jake."
"You could stop me, I mean, I'm not eighteen yet."
Mum wiped her nose with the side of her hand, before coming to sit back down. "I could, yes, but then what?"
"What do you mean then what?" I asked, confused.
"So I deny you the person I can clearly see is your soul mate. I restrict your freedom and say you can't go with him. I plead with you to stay with Cody and live with me and your father. Jake, if I believe, which I do, that being a parent is about giving your child all the love you can but letting that child make his own way, his own choices and even his own mistakes. If I believe all that because I think that's what makes a good parent and then I do the opposite then what does that make me?"
"A bad parent? Don't you think that's a bit harsh, I mean surely that's not all there is to it?"
"No, but those are the keystones to it Jake I believe. If I stopped you doing what you wanted to do, what your heart is telling you, I wouldn't be stopping you because I thought it would be in your interest, I'd be stopping you because to make life easier for Cody, your father and me essentially."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because there can be no other reason. I know with Ethen you have the chance to maybe see the world. I know he will look after you, god I know he will keep you safe and I know if you don't go you will hold me responsible until my grave. As a parent I have to… want to make sure you get what you want out of life and if that means letting you go to do that, then…"
I pulled her into a hug and squeezed her tightly. Her soft cardigan and clean hair said everything about who my mum was. A kind compassionate and amazing mother I was so lucky to have. I thought coming out to her as gay would be the most emotional thing we could experience together, but listening to her talk about how she sees her role as my mum I felt had just topped that.
As I sat on our bed squeezing my sweaty hands together I waited patiently for Cody to emerge from the shower. I was rocking gently back and forward in what felt like a maddening posture. During this time I was trying to put together a credible speech to make the blow to Cody seem somehow softer. Who was I kidding? This was going to kill him and I knew it. I tried to construct each careful word in my head as if feeling if everything came out in the right order it would be ok. Again, who was I…
"How did it go?" Cody asked, walking in wearing a towel wrapped round his waist. The calmness to his question shocked me as I looked up at him and paused for a moment.
"Uh, yeah ok, I guess."
"Where did you both go?"
"Um, Ethen found this Hostel place a few miles east, he's gonna stay there until…"
"Until?" Cody repeated, wondering why I trailed off. For me I suddenly realised how normal this conversation was and even started to forget what I had to tell him.
"Until he goes back to the States."
"Oh," Cody replied, coming towards me. He bent his knees and put his face near mine for a moment before standing back up. "So, you fucked him then."
"WHAT?!" I cried, taken aback with his unusual choice of words.
"Jake, I could smell him on you before I even walked over to you."
"We hugged, that was it."
"Best friends forever and boyfriends for a year, Jake, I think I know you so don't fucking lie to me, it's insulting!"
Cody turned his back on me and went to the chest of drawers to pull out some underwear. I briefly clenched my eyes shut and swallowed hard feeling the guilt making its way up my oesophagus . Still facing away from me it seemed easier to talk.
"I um… I need to talk to you."
"Yeah I know, it's over, I get it."
"Cody will you stop doing that?"
"You mean knowing what you are going to tell me?"
"Just come and sit down for a while, we need to talk."
Cody swung round, anger in his face. "Jake, I don't need to sit down because I already know how this is going to go. You are here to end it with me because you have never stopped loving Ethen. Firstly, no matter how much you have denied that over the past year while we have been together I have always known that. I will always and always have played second fiddle to him, but, you know what? I didn't care because I was happy just being with you. So, now Ethen has risen from the dead you are here to tell me what I already knew… am I right so far?"
"God you make it sound so easy don't you." I hissed, a bitter tone escaping me.
"Better than creeping around the bushes trying to break it to me gently, so yeah, I'll save you the trouble… oh, and I'll take that as a yes?"
"You know what hurts the most Jake, it's how quickly you are willing to drop me for him, I mean, what's it been, a day? One fucking day he's been here and you act like we never existed as a couple."
"Cody it's not like that, I just don't want to lie to you about how I feel. You're right; I have never got over Ethen. As much as I've wanted to, and yeah there have been days where I thought I could, seeing him again has just brought it all home to me."
"So tell me this, what happens after his three months are up, are you gonna come running back to me and ask that we try again?" I lifted my head up to look at him, having been staring at the floor the whole time he was berating me. My eyes must have said it all. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Cody heaved, staggering backwards slightly in disbelief.
"I have to go with him Cody."
"Talk about save the best until last."
Tears from both our eyes began to fall as we faded into an emotional silence. In a way I was as devastated as he was just in a different way I assumed. I got up, immediately feeling like I wanted to hug him. Seeing him gently cry laid bare the pain I was now causing and I so wanted it all to go away. As I put my arms around him I expected resistance, but no, he let me, gently placing his own arms around me.
"Babe, I love you, just not in the way that could satisfy you like you need." I tried to explain before letting out a sob.
"All we've been through, the secrets we've shared, the way we made love, the things we said to each other, does that mean nothing to you?" Cody asked, choking back a gentle sob.
"Of course, of course it does, but how can I make you happy if I can't even make myself happy?"
"You do make me happy Jake, all the time."
"Maybe, but it just feels like I am not giving you my all and that's not fair on you OR me."
"I just can't believe you are going with him, I mean, I… I just can't believe you could make such a massive decision on a whim like this. He must have really worked you over."
"Actually, he has been saying quite the opposite, at least until the last minute anyway. Cody, this is my decision. Whatever you think about Ethen and you might not believe this, but he has repeatedly voiced his concern about how my decision is going to affect others."
"That's very bog of him. He knows if he really wanted to he could click his fingers and make you do anything."
I let go of Cody and went back to sit on the bed. "Cody, I don't think you are being fair now. Verbally beating Ethen up over this is not going to make you or I feel better."
Cody shook his head. "This is just… it's a fucking nightmare I'm gonna wake up from I know it. It's too unreal," he said, I assumed more to himself.
"Remember out first kiss?" I asked, managing a small smile from somewhere within.
"Please don't change tactics Jake, your making things worse."
"I'm not; it just came into my head that's all. I… I was happy you know, for so long I was happy and wanted you so bad it hurt."
"So what changed, Ethen?"
"I just think we started something more at a slightly wrong time. Maybe little earlier or a little later things would be different but…" I trailed off, again thinking how special our first few weeks were and how I was drooling with lust for my best friend.
I looked at him intently for a while, taking in his features. It became apparent to me how long it had been since I really looked at his beauty. He had an innocent cheeky look that was always there… a beautiful face, incredible slim body that was tight in all the right places. Truth was, he was still the same sexy guy I had fallen deeply for way back in school and yet I was about to just walk away from him and into the unknown, and for a second, just a split second, I was left with a sudden feeling of complete bafflement.
That evening Dad had come home from work none the wiser until at around nine he summoned me from our bedroom where I was still talking things through with Cody. His bellowing up the stairs to me indicated quite plainly that mum had broken the news as to my plans.
I admitted feeling pretty worried at that moment as dad was never one to shout at anyone, and hadn't had to with me since I poured nail varnish remover over his new sound system taking the paint off when I was six years old.
Cody stayed put while I had gone down which I thought was a pretty good thing as I didn't want any more fronts to fight today. As dad argued his disbelief at my decision and I argued the case for my happiness, mum kept the pot from over boiling by telling both of us now and again to settle down.
By the end of the evening both dad and me were exhausted from out debate, not only mentally, but physically as well. After all, we had both been up since the small hours of the morning and it was showing as our argument started to detach from reality as his argument that I was making a mistake became more detailed and desperate the more examples he gave as to why I shouldn't go. He played soft, he played hard, he sympathised with how I felt and he accused me of living in a fantasy world. He tried all tactics even telling at one point that I would leave with Ethen over his dead body, but in the end I knew… he knew… that I was at an age where his jurisdiction over me had come to an end like some ancient civilisation that had died out. I headed back upstairs not knowing whether the victory was mine and I'm sure he felt the same.
In the dead of night I laid there so tired and yet so awake. My being, my body and my brain were flat out broke tired and yet my mind relentlessly played broken records of the day, over and over. Just when I thought I was about to doze off, something else would come into my mind only for me to realise I was actually regurgitating the same old re-hashed feelings and thoughts I had earlier on.
One mistake I did wonder if I was making was spending the night in the same bed I had shared with Cody for the last year or so. What was more disturbing is I had actually let him get close to me before he went to sleep as we cuddled for a while. Only admitting it to myself I did find the touch of his bare skin against mine still amazing and there were brief moments where I wanted to let me penetrate me roughly just so I would feel less guilt about how I was making him feel. Strange thoughts I know but it was like I really wanted him to punish me in the most sadistic way. It was probably a combination of regret, guilt and horniness that manifested such a sleazy feeling but none the less it was there and getting stronger.
I laid there for another half hour or so before I was not able to control myself anymore. Reaching over to Cody who was lying on his back I felt around his groin area knowing there was a good chance Cody would be hard as he often was at certain points of his sleeping cycle. I removed the sheet we were both under and in a quick manoeuvre I pulled of my boxers before undoing Cody's piss buttons on his boxers. His hard cock flicked out and stood to attention as I began to slowly straddle his hips. He tried to move onto his side still unaware I was on top of him but I stopped him not wanting to lose the chance of this "anger fuck" as immediately named it. I took a large gob of spit and massaged it into my hole before pretty much impaling myself on his dick and sickly feeling gratitude and relief as the searing pain of his intrusion gave me, making me grunt.
I must have put some severe pressure on Cody's foreskin and he quickly bolted up realising his midsection was being held down by me.
"Wha… wha… what are you doing?" he asked groggily, becoming aware his dick was inside me.
"Fuck me," I demanded, a demand that was so out of character for me it almost embarrassed me.
"Jake, have you lost your fucking mind?" he hissed in a whisper.
"Just fuck me, and do it like you mean it."
"Jake, you are scaring me now, after all what has happened and you speaking like that… Jake you have never asked me to-"
"Just use me, do what you want!"
"What?! Jake no, get off me, what the hell has gotten into you?" Cody pushed me off him and sat on the side of the bed rubbing his face.
"I'm sorry, I was out of order, I shouldn't have done that."
"I don't know whether I am coming or going with you Jake, honest to god I don't. First you are dropping me from a huge height for another guy you plan to leave the country and next you are trying to have sex with my like some rabid animal."
I drew my knees up to my chin and sighed as the moonlight placed a dim light on my naked body. "I know, it was wrong, I don't know what come over me… I'm sorry."
"Jake, I'm going back to sleep. I still hold out hope this is all just a nightmare and in the morning I would have found out." Cody slammed his head back down on his pillow and left me in the same position, feeling cheap and pitiful. One thing that was clear though, he was right about this all being some nightmare to hopefully wake up from I guess. After spending an evening with mum, Cody and dad telling me their views on my plans it was actually starting to feel like my life was descending into a nightmare!
The cold reality starting to bite that running off with Ethen might not be that picturesque image I had in my mind just hours before.
[For those who use webmail, or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead: Please right click the author's name. A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system (Hotmail, Gmail, Yahoo etc). Each browser is subtly different, each Webmail system is different, or we'd give fuller instructions here. We trust you to know how to use your own system. If the email address pastes with %40 in the middle, replace that with an @ sign.]