Discovering Love

Written by Rick Beck

Chapter 35

What To Do With The Messenger

Kent and I somehow got through to the end of the school year without being expelled. Once summer began everything eased up. My parents relented and my time was suddenly my own once chores were done. That left me free to see Kent on most days. It was great having time and even greater having someone to spend it with.

Of course all of this was way too good to be true for my life. I'd never been as happy or as content with life. Even my parents were off my case. I did understand something Kent had said to me one day after we realized we had fallen in love. I started fearing something might happen to Kent. What it was about I'm not sure, but as quick as I got clear of the house, I half ran and half walked to his house, needing to get there, needing to see he was okay.

I spent most of my time at Kent's and even when I didn't get home for dinner, it wasn't even mentioned. The biggest fly in the ointment was Herbie, who'd bounce right into the bedroom without checking to see if maybe Kent and I were up to anything. Kent kept saying it was his bedroom too and the bed was half Herbie's, and that could get me going because I knew what the two of them did in that bed. Kent made no bones about it and said it probably wouldn't stop until one of them moved out, but I should be thankful because with the two of us he could keep his hormones under control most of the time.

My understanding of the world was that you fell in love and you stayed true blue to the person you loved. He explained that Herbie was his brother and he loved him first and he would love him last while him and I might move on one day. I didn't like this line of conversation at all, so I gave up trying to figure out how Kent could love me and have sex with me during the day and still be doing it with Herbie at night. It went into the category of that's the way it is and it's best to leave it alone. I was happy enough to leave it alone but not to stop thinking about it.

Herbie took up with a kid name Glenn just before the Fourth of July. Glenn was fifteen going on ten and while Herbie's friends were often way young, none talked about going to high school. Herbie had told us, that's what Glenn had said.

This information did trouble me and that was before I knew how persistent he was. One day in the middle of July they came romping into the bedroom unannounced. Kent and I were mouth to favorite organ, making like goldfish. The two naked boys stood staring at the demonstration.

"Man, look at that boy's dick."

"Oops, we thought you was out," Herbie said.

We'd seen them come and go and they usually stayed in the basement. Besides hello, goodbye, there had been minimal interaction because we always went in the other direction when they appeared.

Kent and I were quick to break our lip lock and slip under the sheet to hide our over exposure to the blond boy's wide open eyes.

"Obviously the one with all the cock is related to me," Herbie bragged. "My brother Kent actually. I told you about him. This is one of the locals, Martin. He's cooler than most. This is my new friend Glenn. His old man's a fighter jock. They moved from Ohio last month. He bowls and loves porn."

"Yeah, you got some neat fuck flicks. I never seen none like them," Glenn said, bouncing down on the foot of the bed while he watched us just in case we decided to get a lip lock on each other again.

"You look a little young," Kent said, looking over the little boy.

"Says he's fifteen," Herbie said. "Guess he ain't got his growth spurt yet."

"I am too," Glenn objected. He had just a slight amount of cock hair and hadn't managed much growth in that area for fifteen.

"Show me your I.D.," Kent said. "You're twelve, right."

"Left it in my other pants. We got to do it in front of them? You said we could use the bed. You aiming on us all doing it together? That's cool."

"Whatever you want sport. I let them have the bed all they want. It's our turn or we can go back downstairs if you want," Herbie said.

" I done it in front of a guy before. Don't bother me none."

"Done what? Did what? Kent asked.

Glenn hesitated and looked at each of our faces before finishing. "Blowed his buddy. You believe me?"

"Why wouldn't I believe you. You a liar or something?"

"I ain't a liar. I'll prove it if you want."

"Guys don't usually lie about being a cocksucker," Kent said. "You better not be so anxious to prove it either. Everyone doesn't want to know they know a cocksucker."

"You guys were doing it. I saw you."

"Friends you fooled around with?" Herbie asked with major curiosity in his voice. "Who'd you blow? Who'd you let watched?"

"Next door neighbor. He took me camping. He liked to stay in his sleeping bag together. It was cool. Then his buddy started coming around when I was over his house some nights. They'd let me drink beer and then we'd do stuff, watch fuck flicks, talk, and like that. I liked to lap dance for them. Man they loved that."

"Lap dance?" Kent said with more than surprise in his voice.

"Yeah, I'd take my clothes off and take turns sitting on their laps. Old guys like that shit. No big deal."

"You didn't?" Kent asked.

"It always got them hot. They treated me real nice once they got hot."

"I bet. Where do you find 'em, Herbie?" Kent asked.

"At the bowling alley," Herbie said innocently. "We just started talking. I told him we had porn. He wanted to come see it. I didn't know about his friends."

"That was back home. Ohio. Don't know anyone here."

"You know us," Herbie said.

"He knows you," I said.

"I don't mind," Glenn said, looking at the sheet where he knew Kent's dick was hidden. I could see temptation on his face.

"I do," I said and Kent laughed.

"I like guys my own age too. Guys my age talk too much," Glenn said, stretching out on the bed until his hand was next to Kent's leg. His dick pointed straight up and twitched every few seconds. "Can I see it close up."

"You keep your hands off him," I said, getting between him and Kent while keeping the sheet over our best parts.

Glenn looked startled once I slowed his momentum.

"Hey, I can talk just fine," Kent said to me sternly. "Don't start that jealousy shit. The kid's harmless. He can't get between you and me. We're about caring for each other. He's interested in hard dicks."

"Sorry," I apologized, feeling like my father had just shot me down. "He doesn't look all that harmless to me."

Glenn's dick pulsing against the sheet, emitting a drop of liquid on the white material where it touched.

"I'm with someone kid. You're with someone, okay? You can only do one dick at a time if you do it right."

"Yeah, but can I touch it is what I want? I'm not aiming to get engaged to it."

"You're with him," Kent said firmly, sliding his arm around me after repositioning himself.

"You guys are no fun. When I came it... I thought you guys would be fun."

With his chin in his hands and his elbows planted on the mattress a foot from us, Glenn waited. With his ass stuck up in the air, Herbie moved up behind him to take advantage of the standoff. Glenn stayed put.

"You got a big one too," Glenn said, reaching behind to feel Herbie as he concentrated on getting himself all worked up over the wide open crack, but Glenn's mind was on more lucrative prey. "Which one is biggest?"

"Mine," both Kent and Herbie said at the same time.

"I doubt it," Glenn said. "Let's measure them," he said, his chin still in his hands.

"Tapes in the drawer, Herbie," Kent said.

"Martin been checking your measurements? I'm shocked."

"No!" I objected.

"He knows exactly how big it is," Kent boasted.

"No, you can't tell anything with a tape. Put 'em together so we can see who's biggest," Glenn said. "I'll be the judge and hold them together."

If nothing the kid was persistent. Herbie flopped down on the bed stroking himself vigorously.

"They don't call him my little brother for nothin'," Herbie said, admiring himself and looking back at Kent.

"You mind?" Kent asked me. "I can't deny a challenge."

"No," I said, feeling a bit excited by this proposition. Suddenly Glenn wasn't a threat, he became a facilitator.

Kent scooted his ass up between Herbie's legs and looped his thighs over top of his brother's skinnier version. Glenn was immediately leaning over them, a cock in each hand, vigorously stimulating them as he bent to his task. He massaged and coaxed each separately and both at the same time, leaning to kiss Herbie's tip and after glancing at me before touching his lips to Kent's. We all stared at the formidable columns of flesh, Kent with his hands behind his head and Herbie with his hand on Glenn's dick.

Kent's hips moved first and Glenn immediately encouraged him with his mouth just fitting over the tip. He held them together and took one tip in and then the other, moving from one to the other, each small hand filled with obscene hot flesh. After a few minutes he sat back on his heals, looking at them.

"Damn, you guys are huge."

He leaned forward to rub his small pink version on the twin towers. He wasn't half as long as Kent's and less than a quarter as big around. His liquid leaked on Kent's darker flesh and Kent's hand started to massage his own dick, using the liquid as the boy joyously contributed. For a second they were alone together and the boy kissed the tip more vigorously then before.

"Hey, that ain't fair," Herbie said, leaning up on his elbows to watch the sudden desire overflowing in the bed.

"I'd call it an unfair advantage," I offered without being asked.

Glenn gleamed with Kent's head stretching his mouth open wide as his slobber ran down the shaft and Kent used it for lube.

"Go ahead. Which of us is biggest?" Herbie asked, do me that way so it's fair.

"You're longest by I'd say an inch," Glenn said, kissing underneath Herbie's tip to sooth his ruffled feelings.

"See," Herbie said. "Told you."

"But his is way fat, dude. You're hot as hell," Glenn said with admiration.

"Told you," Kent said. "Kid knows his meat."

"Did you tell him," Herbie shot back, "or you going to let him figure it out when he comes up and we ain't here."

"Not yet," Kent said.

"What are you waiting until after we leave?"

"Leave?" I said.

"Thanks Herbert," Kent said. "Let me handle my own fucking affairs."

"Leave?" I said, as Kent wilted out of the competition in spite of Glenn's attempt at mouth to mouth resuscitation.

"Cut it out," Kent said, clipping Glenn's ear with his angry open hand.

"Mine can use some of that," Herbie said. "You're with me remember?"

Kent scooted up into my arms and wrapped his around me, placing his head on my chest. "I didn't want to ruin it for you any sooner than I had to."

"What's going on, Kent?" I demanded.

"Pop's been reassigned to Edwards Air Force Base. We'll leave at the end of the month."

"When were you going to tell me?"

"The last week. I knew you'd shut down. I just wanted us to be together, really together, for as long as possible."

"You sure are taking it in stride," I said. "Where's the fuck is Edwards?"

"California. If it's any consolation, it's the pits. We move all the time. This is forever to know about it compared to some of the weekend moves he's pulled on us."

Kent talked, Glenn giggled, and Herbie moaned and didn't move while Glenn seemed to be crawling over his body until he got his hips up to his mouth and fed Herbie all there was to give. I watched something that would normally ignite me into looking for some activities of my own, but I was numb.

I'd considered a lot of things over the past few months, but losing Kent had drifted off the radar screen. It was too perfect to ever think it would end. I wasn't alone and I always had somewhere to go, but that would last for a couple of more weeks. I couldn't conceive my life going back to what it was before. I said nothing. I couldn't speak. I went dumb.

Glenn leaned his face onto Herbie's stomach as he backed up to Herbie's mouth. His eyes closed and he slobbered into the small belly button under his mouth. Kent held me and I wanted to cry but I wasn't going to cry. It was time to get back to doing it on my own. I couldn't let the world get to me.

I'd always kept a wall around myself and it had kept me safe from dangerous pain. Letting my guard down was going to cause me more pain than I thought existed. Pain I wouldn't have believed existed just a little while a go. Even the magic bullet that always put lead in my pencil couldn't light even a flicker inside of me as I watched Herbie cleaning Glenn's ass.

Glenn's eyes suddenly opened and drilled into me as he smiled with an inordinate pleasure glowing on his face. "Looks like they're leaving us alone, huh?"

"No, me alone and you alone," I corrected curtly.

His eyes closed, Herbie licked, my heart sunk.


We sat in Kent's kitchen drinking iced tea while Herbie and Glenn came and went from downstairs where they'd gone to critique more movies. The longer I looked at Glenn the younger he looked but no matter how young he looked, I knew I would run into him in the halls at school one day soon. This made me even more uneasy than I already was, but not as uneasy as when he put his naked ass on Kent's lap and did his impression of a private dancer.

I started to go off but how stupid would that be? I wasn't mad at the kid and he couldn't help he was a sex fiend. I wasn't mad at Kent and he couldn't help he was one either. For a change I wasn't even mad at myself and I wasn't a sex fiend but sometimes wished I were. I think I'd pretty much zeroed in on God, figuring it was about his style. Give the kid a touch of happiness and then yank it away PDQ so he's alone in the world again. I wondered if I was being punished for being too happy, too horny, too much in love. There was only so much of anything God allowed you to have before he zapped you.

God and I had been on the outs since I was twelve and told the new minister I'd started trusting with my thoughts up at the Baptist church that I thought it was possible that I might be gay or something.

He radiated loving religiosity as he looked at me with fondness on his, adding a warm smile before passing judgment "You seem like such a nice boy. I'm sorry you're going to hell."

I never once went back to that church or any church after that particular benediction was issued. I suppose I should have been angry with the minister but he was a small fish and my anger was huge. If I was going to hell I'd get there having the most fun I could find but until I met Greg... there had been no fun, only more of the same. It had all gotten better in a perverse way and now it was all going to hell.

While Kent and I had put on our underwear, I knew this shameless boy Glenn would have little trouble getting a rise out of my lover. I was going to object but I immediately saw visions of a dozen boys standing in line waiting to sit on Kent's cock somewhere in his future. He was a stud and I was a novice and of course he liked the attention. What was the point of getting jealous now? He was lost to me.

"Okay, kid," Kent growled after he started working on freeing him from the confines of the fabric. "Go bother Herbie. We're talking up here."

"You ain't either. He's sitting there with a dumb ass look on his face and you're staring at him. It's hard. You know you like it. Your brother's finished for awhile."

"Glenn, I told you no," Kent said with angry intent.

"You're no fun. He's no fun. He's old. I been with old men ain't old as him."

"I thought you preferred older men?" I said as he glared at me fresh from another rejection by Kent.

"Old guys don't run their mouths and they want it all the time but young guys are the most fun. 'Cept you two aren't. Not even a little fun. He'd let me if you weren't here," and his round rosy red ass disappeared into the basement staircase as he deserted us.

"Like I said, he's coming home and Doug'll be coming up," Kent said. "We'll make the best of the time we've got, but you've got to start thinking about after I'm gone."

"What's to think about? Who's coming home?"

"Greg. Aren't you listening to a thing I said," Kent moaned.

"My brain isn't working too well right now. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"You won't be. That's why I didn't tell you. I wanted you to have the happiness as long as we could be together. I knew what you'd do once I told you. I don't want to leave feeling anything but what I feel for you. I won't let you make it into some fucking funeral while I'm still here. Once I'm gone I can't stop you. This is life, Martin. Get used to it. We're kids. We don't get a say. If we did we could go off together and say fuck it. We don't and we can't. But what we can do is get every minute out of the time we have."

"Easy for you to say," I said, being unfair and hurt.

"Yeah, I'm used to it. Every time I'm liking on someone or just have a life, I've got to let it go. Yeah, I've learned there is nothing I can do about it. I've learned not to punish myself or anyone else for that matter because of stuff I can't do anything about. I love you and I've never said tjsy to anyone before. It's not a word I use, Martin. You're special. You give me something no one else ever gave me. Don't take it away. Don't be pissed at me.

"I've always been the little boy with the big dick. I've always had guys wanting to slobber all over it and see if they could stick it where. Until I met you, that's pretty much what I thought it was about. I had it, they wanted it, and I gave it to them after I made them beg for it a little.

"I could have anyone of dozens of people right now, including that little kid, but I'm with you. That's it. Once I'm gone, no promises, life goes on, and you'll go on, and I don't want you mooning over me. I can't say I won't meet anyone else. I just don't know that, but you're an adult in less than a year. You still feel the same way then, come get me. I'll be waiting for you but I'm still a kid for two more years, so you better think about that one too."

"Meaning?"

"It's some serious fucking time when a nineteen year old goes off with a seventeen year old little boy. The Air Force won't look fondly on someone stealing one of their own," Kent said. "My old man would come get me and have you locked up."

"We're doing it in his house," I said.

"We're both minors and they can't do a thing about it."

"You're so far ahead of me it isn't funny. I can't even find the first corner, Kent."

"Don't make no difference that I'm more experienced or hornier. I'm the kid no matter how much sex I've had. It's always the old guys who get burnt. Once you're eighteen the law goes against you. Everything else is history. So you better think about it before you decide you want to come after me. I'll write and I won't be looking for anyone else to love but I can't go without sex for two years. I would be lying if I told you I could. I can't. Not even for love. That's who I am. I've never lied about it."

"Yeah, I know. There's always going to be guys like Glenn around, and I'm not going to be sitting across the table keeping you from doing what you really would like to do," I said, realizing the truth as I stirred my tea.

"I don't have anything for him. That on the bed was plenty for me. For being little he's got a mouth on him, don't he. He knows what to do, but Herbie's always got guys like that coming around. He always will. He's the Pied Piper and they love him. I can't pretend I don't want them."

"Yeah, it was pretty hot watching him. He's hot after big cock."

"He's small, probably always will be if he's actually fifteen. It's the guys with little dicks that want to feel guys with big dicks. All I got to do is shower at school and I have half a dozen guys interested in finding out how big it gets, what it would be like."

"Yeah, I bet."

"You bet but it isn't about love or emotion. It's about feeling good. I like guys wanting it. It makes me feel good. I like them playing with it. Do I want to date them? No. I want them to play with my dick. Can't you see the difference. Sex isn't love but some guys need more sex than other guys."

"It's part of love," I said.

"It exists outside of love. Look around you. You really think everyone isn't doing it every chance they get? You think they're all waiting to get married before they bonk their brains out. Get real. Most guys are after anything they can get. Guys our age more than anyone."

"I don't know. I don't know anything," I said.

"Yeah, you do too. You can play dumb with everyone else, but the truth is you want it all the time, Martin."

"Yeah, I do. I want you all the time," I said. "Does that count?"

"And you'll want someone else just as soon as I'm gone."

"I don't think so. This isn't any fun. I don't think so."

"Get real. Now you know what love is. Why wouldn't you want more of it? That's silly. It's stupid. The pain passes. Take it from a pro. I've been hung up on people everywhere I've left since I was ten. That's four moves ago."

"You just told me you never loved anyone before?"

"No, that's not exactly what I said. I've never been in love before. I've probably loved being with someone, you know, best-friends with. I always care about someone more than others. You just happened to be different from everyone else. You're so damn innocent, Martin. So damn intense. You need to get out and let yourself go. Live. Don't do what you did before."

"I won't," I said. "Greg's coming here?"

"Yeah, he wants to say goodbye to Herbie; they're best buds. They getting further and further away form each other."

"Tell me about it."

"You still like him don't you?" He said.

"What happened between you two that started the feud."

"Hey, that's Greg, not me. He's like a brother to me. Doug is like my brother. Greg and I did have a thing for awhile. I fucked up."

"You? How's that?"

"I never tell anyone about this. Doug and Herbie know because they were there. You can't repeat it."

"What?" I said, putting down my tea to listen.

"You know how Greg is with his parties?"

"I've been to my share."

"He's always getting with someone that's half-looped or all the way looped. He loves getting guys to do stuff they've never done before."

"Kent, are you going to tell me or not?"

"I fucked him on the pool table at his house."

"You fucked him?"

"He was doing it to me plenty. I was his main entertainment back when I first got here. I loved being with the King. We were pals."

"He's pissed because you did what he does?"

"I ain't the king. He's the King," he drank the rest of his tea and jingled the ice cubes, watching them shift around.

"I don't understand."

"You want a "blow-by-blow"? I should have known."

"If I can get it," I said leaning my elbows onto the table and leaning forward so I was closer to his words.

"He was drunk as a skunk, so that gave him an excuse to be mad. There wasn't anyone there when it started. I mean I did what he did," he said, seeing the images in his head as he spoke slowly. "I got up behind him while he was shooting pool balls around the table. He wasn't standing too well. I knew he was wasted. Everyone else had gone upstairs to eat. We were both in our skivvies. I started rubbing it up against his crack and he let me once he made sure we were alone. He put his arm back and held me so I was real tight against him. I reached around and felt that fucking porker of his. He started to wiggle his ass. I eased his underwear down and started to jerk him off. I kept mine on until I had him going good so he wouldn't pull away from me. You now how he is once you get him worked up. He bent way over the table and there it is. That's when he said it. "Go ahead." It was an order. It wasn't permission. He wanted it. What the fuck does go ahead mean, huh?

"I went ahead. Hell he wanted it and I knew I might never get another shot at fucking him. I never knew anyone who fucked him before. I was fucking the King and I was fucking and fucking him. I never felt like that before. I was the best. Man, I was hot but I wasn't about to let it end. I never did finish come to think of it.

"He's laying on the table his ass up in the air over one of the cushions. His underwear is down to his knees and I'm going to town on his hole. I hugged myself up over his back and put my arms around him, reaching down between his legs so I could stroke him off while I fuck him. He started moaning while I kept at him for all I was worth. The next thing I know there's five guys on the steps watching us. Someone told them that Greg's getting his brains fucked out by the little kid and you got to see the size of his dick."

"He was mad at you because he let you fuck him?"

"Said he was drunk. Said he didn't remember. Said I was a slut. Said lots of shit. Said, if I should happen to see him I should go the other way. That one killed me. I couldn't come over. I couldn't go to the parties. I couldn't speak to him. I was only thirteen and I thought he was a god."

"You didn't correct the record?" I asked.

"Nah, I had it bad for Greg. I guess that's as close to love as I came before you. I mean he's good sex and it was all about sex then, but that night, I'd never felt like that before. He shot a wad all the way across the table. I mean he cut loose like a volcano going off. Guys standing there, getting an eyeful. He couldn't say he didn't love it. Guys don't blow loads like that unless they love it and I was the one who was responsible."

"He liked it," I said.

"He loved it only until some guys started laughing. A couple were guys we didn't know that well. They knew a little about the parties and the sex. We were all still new here and they were guys he wanted to get to. They never came back to the house. There were some rumors going around the school about Greg the next week. He transferred over here right after that. Just started over. I had to do the same a week later. A group at school cornered me in the gym one day. They'd heard it was way big. They wanted a private showing. That scared the shit of me."

"He blamed you?"

"Said I took advantage of him. Believe me, I'd never have done it if I knew what it would cost me."

"Greg?"

"Greg and me having sex. He is the King, Martin. Nobody does it better."

"Better than me?" I asked foolishly.

"It's not the same. You never listen. Greg is sex. You are love. I can have sex and love sex without ever loving anyone. Having sex with you is attached to something far larger than an orgasm. But sex is still sex."

"I guess, but it's always been attached to love for me," I said.

"Yeah, right, you talk a good game. I heard some stories. About you in the TV room with my brother and Doug."

"What are you talking about?"

"People don't sleep through sex no matter if it looks like they do or not. Herbie and Doug sure don't. They're both the kind of guys who'll let you have it any way you want it. You needed to find out what they were like, right? They didn't mind and you obviously weren't confident enough to ask."

"They told you that?"

"Herbie told me the story. Doug said the same thing when I asked him about it," Kent jumped up and got the tea pitcher and filled our glasses. The front of his underwear shifted with his half erection. There was a spot of dampness near the end. He dropped two ice cubes into each of our glasses and sat back down across from me after kissing my forehead.

"I'd never been with guys before," I said, watching my fingers drum the table.

"I know. Except for Greg," Kent said. "We shouldn't forget that one."

"He told you that?"

"Doug told me. We tell each other everything, Martin. We're best friends - I trust him more than anyone."

"More than me?"

Kent sighed heavily, "Ah Martin, you are something. You know the answers but you can't resist asking the questions. I think you hope you'll get hurt. Are you addicted to pain? Is that it. I've got a whip hidden in my room."

"No!"

"Quit with the stupid questions then. I don't like anyone the way I like you. Can't you just get your arms around that and quit wanting everything all the time? I don't like anyone the way I like Doug. I like Greg different than either of you or anyone else. So sue me."

"I'm sorry."

"He knew Greg was after you. He told me about the pool table deal. I have some fond memories connected to that table myself, so I can only appreciated the story of you and him on it."

"When's Greg coming?"

"Don't know. Herbie talks to him. He's coming is all I know. He won't be coming to see me."

"Or me," I said.

"I can't figure out why you two don't get along. You're the exact kind of guy he likes. Naive as hell and horny as hell. A combination he can't resist."

"I'm not," I objected.

"Yes you are and if you don't come over here, I'm coming over there. You ever done it on the kitchen table? I can clear this shit off pretty damn quick. We never finished what we were doing when we were so rudely interrupted."

"Anything you say," I said.

"Martin," Kent said, more serious than usual. "Let's go to the end; don't quit on me now. We got two weeks. Let's use them. Please. Don't deny us that. I don't think I could handle that." His lips were moist and warm and sincere. He held me and tried to ease the growing pain that was coming from the breach that he had left in my heart.

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