What The Hell?

by Andrew Foote

Chapter 3

Thursday November 12th 2009 19.30hrs

This morning was difficult.

I went to cycle to school only to find my front tyre was flat which was a bit of a shit. I tried pumping it up but the air pissed out as fast as I pumped it in so that means I'm going to have to cosy up to my old man to see if I can get him to shell out for a new inner tube.

Anyway I got fucking soaked on the way to school plus I was late. Good job I had Geog with Mr Easton for my first period. He didn't bollock me or nothin' which was good but he made me go and change into my PE kit so my uniform could dry out on the radiator.

When I got back to class, there was only one vacant chair……..and this was like so fucking unfair!

Yeah you've got it! I had to sit next to……..him!!


Mr Easton told me to sit next to Simon!!

Shit, I nearly died! I dunno how my legs took me there and Simon? He looked at me from my feet to my head and gave me a big smile which could've melted a polar ice cap!

Here I am dressed only in gym shoes, shorts and a singlet top……..fuck-all else……..no socks, no undies and Simon is eyeing me up! I reckon I turned like fifty thousand shades of red and I was just like rooted to the spot. Then he sort of said in that lovely musical voice of his summat like "Aren't you going to sit down then?"

I did but fuck knows how!

He kept on sneaking a peek at me……..mind you, so was I……..sneaking peeks at him I mean. I didn't stop blushing for the entire lesson.

Then the final humiliation. He leaned over to pick summat off the floor and his leg touched mine. He did say sorry okay? But he didn't seem to be like in any panic to pull it away and yeah, I popped a stiffie and would the fucker go down? No way would it! The last ten minutes of class were the worst ten of my entire pissing life!!

Imagine the scene. Here's me, dressed only in a pair of gym shorts and sporting a permanent hard-on. Mr Easton dismissed the class but I just sat there. No chance of me going anyplace soon!

Simon……..I really do like that name……..well he sort of got up and said "You going to stay there all day or what!"

I told him I had a bit of a problem and the cheeky fucker told me he'd noticed……..the bastard!

Anyhow he gave me his blazer to wear and told me that if anyone asked why he'd lent it to me, to say it was because I was cold. That was really nice of him wasn't it?

We walked together as far as the bog where I told him I had to go and sort stuff out.

Cheeky cunt told me he thought that was a wise move and not to go messing up his jacket!

Anyhow it didn't take long……..I hardly touched myself and that was me!

He was waiting outside and I gave him his jacket back.

Can you believe it? He checked it over for any tell-tale deposits! Oh yeah. Then he checked me out and told me that my profile was okay now.

I told him to piss off. Yeah well, I did thank him as well!

Then he asked me if I wanted to sit next to him next Geog.

I told him like yeah why not but only if he didn't give me anymore woodies.

Shouldn't have said that cos now maybe he thinks I fancy him or summat.

Too fucking late now.

Friday November 13th 2009 07.00hrs.

Oh dear! Friday the thirteenth. I wonder what nasty surprises the Gods have lined up for me today.

Good news! My old chap said he'd buy me a new inner tube and a new tyre for my bike!

Still won't give me a lift to school though but at least it isn't raining today.

I've got special PE today on account of cos I can't swim. I don't mind. I reckon it's better to mess around in the water than go busting your balls doing circuit training or whatever.

Gotta go have some brekki and get my cute little backside to the lunatic asylum.

Wow! What a fit day!

I got top marks in a spelling test!! I never get top marks in fuck-all!

Then I gets home to find Buffalo Bill……..that's my old man by the way cos his name's Bill……..I know, I know……..fucking childish!

Anyway, he's like not only bought me a new tyre and inner tube, the old scrote has actually fitted them for me!

I reckon he's going down with something well nasty if you ask me.

Anyhow if that wasn't enough……..here's the totally bloody awesomely fantastical bit!

Like I'd just finished changing after yet another fruitless attempt at getting my tootsies off the bottom when Simon……..be still my beating heart wanders in.

Fucking good job he wasn't like ten minutes earlier but I digress.

Anyhow he asked me what I'm doing there so I kind of tell him that I've got about as much pissing buoyancy as your average brick and I have to take extra PE.

Well I thought he'd take the piss but he never.

Then he goes on about some shit like being a good swimmer and even has a silver medal for life saving and stuff. I mean how cool is that!!

Then he tells me summat else.

OMG! His folks have a pool! Not any old pool but a fuck-off big indoor heated pool!!

Then he says, if I wanted to swing by his gaff over the weekend, he'd try and help me like he reckons it's not pissing rocket science and everyone can swim and it's just a matter of being shown like properly and stuff.

Well of course I told him like no fucking way chap.

The fuck I did! I could've kissed him I could!!

Anyway I'm scooting round to his about ten tomorrow morning.

No, I'm not excited……..I'm a bit nervous truth be told.

I'm going to have to wear Speedo's or summat that'll keep my bits under control just in case……..I mustn't bloody swear not that I do at home in front of the old folk or anybody else for that matter……..just at school and my poxxy computer……..oh and Samantha, the bitch!

I better try and get some shut-eye but I don't know how successful I'm going to be cos I've more butterfly's in my tummy than you could shake a stick at.

Hey God? Listen up here please?

Do you reckon I'm a fucking poof?

I don't know if I wanna be a queer?

Saturday November 14th 2009 08.00hrs

Oh shit they're tight!!

Been a while since I last wore these!

Whatever. They'll do the trick cos it feels as if my twig and berries are in a fucking plaster cast!

Nice colour though. I kinda like yellow……..goes nicely with last summer's tan.

Fuck! I'm even starting to write poofy!

Oh whatever.

Amazing though last night! I slept like a log……..not that I'm expert on how logs sleep you understand but it was well fit! I didn't even get a hard-on.

Hey. I wonder if that's a sign of going like, gay?

Whatever……..it was okay this morning thank fuck!

Suppose I better take a towel or something……..

D'ya know summat else? I don't like the way my hair's been cut.

Oh bollocks.

Dear Mother told me not to eat too much before a swim cos it gives you stomach cramps and then you drown.

Thanks a fucking bunch! Like I'm not nervous enough and now I might drown?

Well at least Simon……..oh God……..Simon has a silver medal. Hey. Do you reckon that means he can give the kiss of life then?

Oh yeah! The Speedo idea definitely works!


Well I had a totally perfect day! Actually that doesn't do it justice.

Anyhow I got to his place and met his Mum who was cool enough and we sat in their kitchen and had a cup of tea.

Fuck! You should see the size of their kitchen! I reckon it's bigger than our lounge!

Then he showed me his bedroom. About as untidy as mine so at least we have that in common.

He asked me what sort of cozzie I was going to change into for swimming. He looked sort of disappointed when I told him I already had them on but that might've been wishful thinking on my part but he did perk up when I told him I was wearing Speedo's cos he said "Brill idea." And pulled a pair out for himself! OOOOOO!!!

He's a modest little fucker though.

He went into the changing area and turned with his back to me when he stripped off but I did manage to cop an eyeful of his sweet bum. Nice tan lines as well so I told him as much being the out and out bastard that I am!

He did seem to take rather longer than necessary adjusting his package though……..I wonder……..

Awesome pool!

Two foot six at the shallow end and nine foot at the deep end and huge! I never measured it but its way bigger than the one at school. It even has diving boards!

Shit! Can he move through the water! Like a pissing Gazelle or summat……..if Gazelle's can actually swim which I'm sure they must be able to do.

Oh God and he's got such a beautiful body??

I had to get into the water pretty sharpish cos I couldn't take my eyes off him and I didn't want to be caught perving on him did I?

Then he started to help me swim.

He had me holding a float under my chest and told me to kick my feet but then they just kept going lower and lower in the water. I thought he would laugh but he never. He was really sweet like that……..he just told me to have another go but this time he put his hands under my thighs to hold them up.

I thought I was going to die when he did that! It got me moving through the water though and with other things trying desperately to move somewhere else as well!

Oh yeah. Then he let go of me but I kept moving but freaked when I realised I was well out of my depth but Simon spun me around and pushed at my feet to get me back into shallow water which was kind of him.

We messed around for ages and he was just so bloody patient with me!

He had me on my back with one hand under my shoulders and the other under the tops of my legs to stop me from sinking. Then he told me to take a deep breath and hold it. Then the bastard let go of me but hey? I didn't sink, I just floated there but I had to let go of my lungful of air and that was a problem cos I started to go under and copped a nose full of water!

We had another go but this time he told me to let go my breath as soon as he let go of me then try to breathe normally……..difficult when you've got a raging hard-on desperately trying to escape, hyper-ventilating would probably been my normal reaction but somehow I managed and it worked well and I could float on my own for like ages and ages.

Simon reckons the next step is to try and kick my feet while I'm floating but I was well knackered so we decided to get out and get changed and maybe have another go in the afternoon.

I am an idiot sometimes.

I had gone to all the trouble of putting my cozzie on beforehand but never giving any thought to changing out of them after. What a dickhead!!

Still we had to do it and I didn't have to be facing him did I?

Funny though cos it turned out he was as nervous as me cos he asked me summat like "Are you nervous cos I am?"

My voice didn't want to work right cos it sounded more like an injured frog than a thirteen and two and a bit week old boy when I nodded my head and squeaked "Yes."

Hey! Simon just smiled one of his cuter smiles……..as if that wasn't going to make things like ten times worse……..then he suggested we counted to three and just yanked them down. Nice idea but then we went through all the "you won't pissing do it" and "yes I fucking will, it's you who won't" time after time. Then we did the same thing over who was going to do the counting but then Simon had a great idea!

Whoever didn't drop them had to swim completely naked come the afternoon. It worked cos no fucking way was I going to be starkers' with him supporting me, my junk just inches from his face? Oh please???



Three and off they came!

Holy SHIT!!

Oh my GOD!!!

He's like just so fucking sexy, beautiful even!! And like a total idiot I said as much!!

I couldn't have stopped myself if I'd tried which I never but then I wanted a great big hole to open up underneath me and swallow me up, either that or wake up to find the entire thing a well horny dream but……..it wasn't to be……..neither of those things happened, I just stood there, stark-bollock naked and with the single biggest hard-on I've ever had, crying like an infant.

Simon was wonderful. He came over to me and using his fingers wiped away my tears.

"It's okay you know? Look at me like down there."

Oh fuck and corruption! He was also hard as a nail as well!

Then he said…….."You're pretty special too Jack, in fact more than."

Nothing else happened. We dried and changed for lunch exchanging knowing smiles and generally making ourselves feeling more comfortable around each other.

After we'd eaten, we played on his Xbox for an hour to let our food go down then went back to the pool.

I finally manage a width of the thing so we called a halt and got changed but little or no nervousness this time. Yeah we checked each other out! What the fuck do you expect? He's quite simply the most beautiful thing on two legs……..three if he carries on growing!!!

He asked me if I was on the internet so I told him about my laptop using language I don't think even he'd ever heard before but hey! He's lent me his spare so now I can go on line! We can email, IM or whatever! I can at least talk to him even if II can't be with him!!!

I don't wanna learn to swim that quick. I'd miss his soft hands touching my skin. I almost told him that but I was too pissed I'd cry again!! I'm going over tomorrow though cos practice makes perfect right?........Well that's what Simon reckons and who am I to argue!

Oh computer?

I'm so messed up here!

I wonder if he feels the same way about me.

I'm sort of okay-looking and I've decent enough bod but…….I'm not like God's fucking gift to mankind like he is.

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