Knots, Book 5
by Elias Scott
I had some time to think while Doc Walker was in the john. "Doc, while you were gone, I was thinking. I think this whole mess is my fault."
"Your fault? How do you figure?"
"Well, I'd tried to get Matt to have sex for some time, and he refused. I even tried to seduce him. But he resisted. The only reason he had sex with me in the first place was because he was afraid I was going to kill myself when I found out about Dillon having sex with Thomas and Randy. He'd warned me to stay away from Dillon, and I didn't."
Walker nodded and jotted something down in his notorious notepad. "Go on."
"Once Matt had his first taste of sex, he was like a crazed animal. He and I did everything imaginable in the week following, and to be honest, it made me almost forget about Dillon. One thing led to another and soon we had a foursome with Thomas and Randy, which got all around the school during Dillon's trial. Again, it was because I didn't listen to Matt in the first place. He was originally against the foursome with Ashton and Scott. Just like the last time."
"Do you really think this is all your fault?"
I shook my head. "No, Doc, not all my fault, but I was the catalyst. I got the fire going, and soon it was burning out of control, and still is. The only difference is that it's Matt instead of me. I've been through all that shit. Matt hasn't. He's going to have to learn for himself."
"What else happened?"
"We had the trial of course, and everything came out. Matt wanted to stay in the closet, but then he was out even though he didn't want to admit he was gay. He and I had sex regularly, and then we met those older guys. Normally, Matt would have said, 'No, that's stupid.' But instead, he became more like me. I couldn't believe he was willing to prostitute himself for money. Of course, he was smarter than me and got out. I didn't and was almost killed. But Matt was still there for me even though he had every right to say, 'I told you so.'"
Walker took a sip of water. "So you're saying the prostitution was both your faults?"
"Yes, Doc. But he'd have never even been there if he hadn't had sex with me in the first place. I know I didn't force him to, but Matt's love was unconditional. I don't know about now. But that was then."
"Has Matt set conditions for his love now?"
"No, not really. He loves me, but doesn't seem to care how much what he's doing hurts me."
Walker leaned his elbow on his knees. "Do you think he's doing it on purpose?"
"No. But I've always expected more from Matt. The thing is, I've been where he is now, and when you come right down to it, who am I to condemn him?"
Walker sat back in his chair. "What do you mean, you expected more from Matt?" "He's always been the good guy. The dependable one. I was always the screw up. It's almost like we've switched places. I'd like to save him from himself, but I don't think there's anything I can do. He needs to learn for himself just like I did."
"Is it really all that simple?"
"No, not at all, Doc. But what can I do? We could keep fighting. But he's not ready to listen. I value his friendship too much to take a chance on losing it."
Doc Walker glanced at his pad. "Do you believe in tough love?"
"I'm not sure what that is."
"Sometimes you have to set limits for those you love to stop them from ruining their lives."
"You don't get off that easy, Andy. What could you do?"
"There's only one thing I can think of and that's to get him to come back here."
"How would you do that?"
I leaned back and stared at the ceiling more confused than ever. "Well, uh, umm, I gotta think. He might come for me if I asked him. It would be the truth and a lie at the same time because I really want him to come back for him."
"Not for you?"
"That too, but mostly for him. I want things to be right between us."
"Wouldn't that help both of you?"
"Yeah, Doc, it would."
Dr. Walker gave me a serious look and asked, "So what's your plan?"
"Doc, you must be kidding. I don't have a plan."
"Well, think of one. How can you get him here?"
"The first thing that comes to mind is that I could tell him he needs to come so I can work out some of my issues. In the old days, that might have worked. I'm not sure about now. He's afraid to come here. He doesn't want to be scared straight, so to speak."
"I could tell him I'm pissed, and if he doesn't come, then we're no longer friends."
"How do you think that would work?"
"Not well, Doc. He'd probably tell me to F myself."
"I suggest you try the first method." He paused. "Let's get back to your accepting responsibility for what's happened. Do you still feel that way?"
"Yes. For instance, the problem we're having now is I insisted we have a foursome. He didn't want to. He did it only because I was persistent, and then what happened? Now he thinks sex is boring with me. He wouldn't have thought that if I hadn't suggested the foursome." "Are you sure?"
I put my elbows on my knees. "The one thing I've learned, Doc, is that you can't ever be sure of anything, but I know it's partly my fault. We were perfectly happy before that. Now he's off violating all the rules he set down for himself. What can we do, Doc?"
"I suggest you go with your first idea. Try to get him to come here for you. If that doesn't work, then what's your backup plan?" Walker grinned.
"There you go, Doc, putting all the responsibility on my shoulders."
"Well, if you are responsible for the problem in the first place like you said, then it's only logical that you figure out a way to solve it."
I pursed my lips and frowned. "I guess you're right. Let me think." I paused for a few minutes while he waited. Walker had great patience. "My second step would be to try to convince him that he needs to come in for himself. He had goals. I think he still has goals. He wants to be starting quarterback, run for student body president, and get a football scholarship. I'll tell him that he's going to lose it all if he doesn't get his head on straight. I could even tell him what I told you today about a lot of it being my responsibility."
Walker smiled. "What if he tells you to F yourself?"
"Well, Doc. Like you taught me many sessions back, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. So if it comes to that, I'll tell him it's his life and not mine. I don't know what else to do."
"You're right, Andy, except for me teaching you. I think you learned that on your own."
"If you say so. But I know how sneaky you are at getting me to see what you want me to see."
He smiled again. "This is where you're wrong. I may have an idea, but I just ask the questions. You give the answers so they must be inside you. Andy Gibson Wisdom, so to speak."
That made me smile. "Thanks, Doc. I kinda like that. Andy Gibson Wisdom. I wonder if Matt will see it the same way."
"You won't know until you try. I see our time is up. We'll talk more about this next week."
He walked me to the door and patted me on the shoulder as I left.
The sex with Colt was more than I expected. You know how you think something is going to be a certain way, and then when it happens it's not. It wasn't that way with Colt. Thomas had taught him well. A pang of guilt passed through me every time I thought of Colt and Thomas. But lust had me in its grasp, and it wasn't going to let go. Then again, maybe I was holding onto it rather than the other way around.
Andy called me that afternoon. He said he wanted to get together and talk. I was tempted to tell him no because I figured he was going to be all whiney and make me feel guilty. So I told him I had things to do. But he said he and Dr. Walker talked, and he needed to talk to me. I didn't want to see Walker, but my curiosity got to me, so I agreed to meet.
He laid on his back on my bed, and I sat at my desk in silence for a few minutes before I asked, "Okay, Andy, out with it."
"Well, uh…uh…I think you should start seeing Dr. Walker again. It would be good to iron things out."
"Good for you or good for me?"
"Both," he said with conviction.
"Not for me, I can tell you that. I don't want that shrink messing with my head."
"Then do it for me," he pleaded. "I need you there."
"Andy, your whining isn't going to convince me to go, whether it's for you or for both of us. I'm happy with the way things are."
"Happy?" he yelled. "Fuck, how can you be happy when you've gone against everything you believe?"
"Colt, for instance. You said it wouldn't be right to see Colt because of Thomas, and yet you asked Colt out. That's one example. For all I know you fucked him too."
What else, he wanted to know. I wanted to say you quit having sex with me, but that had been my decision, not his. I wanted to say he was always thinking about sex, but then so was I. How could I criticize him for it? We were in the foursome together. The only thing I could think of was Colt. Everything else we'd done together.
"I'm waiting," he said.
I sat up on the bed and scooted over to the edge. "I'm your best friend, and you refuse to be my boyfriend."
"From the first time we had sex to now, I never agreed to be your boyfriend, and you know it. You're the possessive one. You want me to do your bidding. Well, I'm not. You'll always be my best friend, but it has nothing to do with being boyfriends or sex. If I want to be with Colt or Thomas or anyone else, that's my right. You don't own me. You can do the same. Just because you've chosen not to is not my fault."
That stung. I was getting pissed, mostly because a lot of what he said was true. It was time to change my tack. "If you won't go to Dr. Walker for me or for us, how about doing it for yourself? You've lost track of all your goals. At the rate you're falling, the rope's going to snap and you'll hit bottom. Look what happened this week; we both couldn't play in the game. Is that how you plan on becoming the starting quarterback and holding the job? That will affect your chances of getting a football scholarship. You were going to run for student body president. Do you think this screwing around with Colt is going to help with that?"
"Thanks to you, the whole locker room thinks I'm fucking Colt. So I guess not."
"I said I was sorry for that."
"Saying you're sorry isn't going to put the genie back in the bottle."
I thought he had me at first. "That may be true, but if you weren't fucking around with Colt, I'd have never said it."
"Like I said, what I do is my business as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else."
"Do you actually think no one's been hurt? It just goes to show how much you changed. Look how you treated Megan. You're tying a whole lot of knots."
"Megan wanted sex. I didn't force her. But just like you, she wants all of me, and I'm not ready to give it. She knew that, so she has to accept some of the responsibility."
"You're just being selfish, taking care of your own needs."
"Bullshit. I was taking care of hers too. Why does everyone make me out to be the bad guy because I don't want to settle down with one person? Colt feels the same way. This may change with time, but for now I want to be free to be me."
"An asshole, you mean?"
"No, Andy. The one thing I learned from being with Megan is that I'm gay and not bisexual. You should be happy about that. Second, I know I'm not ready to settle down. I need to sow my wild oats, as they say."
Matt played with the picture of him and me when we were ten. I thought he was going to lay it face down, but he just moved it around and stared at it. "Who'd I hurt?"
"Thomas, Megan, and me."
He picked up the picture and showed it to me. "Remember how happy we were when this picture was taken?"
"Yes. Those were the days, weren't they?"
He put it back on his desk. "I sometimes wish we could go back to that time."
"So do I, Matt. But we can't, except maybe through Dr. Walker."
"There you go again, Andy. I'm not going to Walker. I'm sure Dr. Walker would tell you that you are responsible for your feelings and not me. We aren't in a committed relationship, so I don't understand how you can say I hurt you."
"I understand the part about commitment, but telling me that having sex with me wasn't fun anymore really hurt."
He glared at me. "And your solution, Andy, was to not have any sex at all!"
Damn, I backed myself into a corner because what he said was true. "I was thinking that all of us want what we can't have, so I figured that if I said we weren't going to have sex anymore, then you'd want to have sex with me again." That sounded dumb, but that's why I did it. I guess I could have blamed Dr. Walker for letting me deny Matt sex, but it wasn't his idea. It was mine.
"Look, I'm sorry for telling you that. I was wrong. But the foursome was so awesome, I realized there was no way it could compete with anything else. I shouldn't have said anything."
"Right. You shouldn't have said anything."
Matt looked down at the floor. It seemed like he wanted to tell me something.
"Matt, are you holding something back?"
"Is it about Colt?"
"Are you sure?"
"Damn straight. I prefer the truth and the facts over not knowing."
"Okay, Andy. If you're sure. The sex was hot."
"Better than us?"
"Let's just say it was different. He's different."
My cock started to get hard, and I said something that negated the whole conversation. "If that's true, why don't we have a threesome? It would be awesome. He's not committed to anyone, and neither are we. So why not go for broke?" I decided Matt was right. None of us were committed, and just because I wanted Matt to commit to me and he wouldn't, didn't mean we couldn't have some fun in the meantime.
Then Matt said, "That might soothe your feelings, but what about Thomas? You said I hurt him too." He had me there. "We can ask Thomas to join us. It'll be like old times except for Randy. Colt's hotter anyway." All my good intentions were gone when I began thinking with my dick. I figured, why should I be miserable? Like they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."
"I know Colt would love the idea," Matt said with enthusiasm. "I'm not sure about Thomas."
My answer was quick. "We'll just ask him. If he says he doesn't want to be in our foursome, we'll ask him if he's okay with you, Colt, and me having a threesome. If he says it's okay with him, then we have a get-out-of-jail-free card. If he says it's not okay, then I'm not sure what we could do. But knowing Thomas, I'm sure he'll say it's fine. After all, he let Colt go so he could experiment. And if he's going to experiment, why not with us?"
"You do have a devious mind, Andy. You'll have to talk to Thomas. I'm not going to do it. And by the way, Colt has a date with Zoe tomorrow, and who knows what they're going to do."
"Shit, at this rate, he'll be too worn out to jack off."
We both laughed.
He came over and sat down beside me on the bed. "Okay, I'll talk to Colt. You talk to Thomas. Agreed?"
Colt thought the sex with Matt was the best sex he ever had. It made him question his upcoming date with Zoe. He could cancel, but he was still determined to have sex with a girl. After all, he told Thomas he wanted to fly, not have his wings clipped, so Sunday with Zoe was on.
Then to his surprise, he got a call from Matt on Sunday morning asking if he was interested in a threesome with Andy. "Hell yes," he said. "When?"
"We know you have a date with Zoe today, so maybe this coming weekend. It's too hard during the week with football and everything. We're asking Thomas too. Is that okay with you?"
"Hell yeah, but I'm not sure he'll do it."
"No matter. We're doing it as long as it's okay with him. Andy is concerned about hurting his feelings."
"Thomas is cool. He'll say fine because he really loves me. I didn't realize it until he let me go."
"Thomas is that way," Matt said. "I wish Andy was."
"Andy's joining us, isn't he? It can't be that bad."
"Andy likes sex, and he's no dummy. Why would he let you and me have all the fun when he can join us."
"Makes sense to me. Andy's hot, and I'm not sure I can wait. I plan on beating off every morning and every night just thinking about it. Are we hooking up the same time on Saturday?"
"Yeah. Let's hope the weather holds. It's been getting colder. It could even rain."
"What do we do then?"
"Not sure, but Andy and I'll figure it out. We've had to do it many times. A vacant house is best, but we'd have to find one, and it would have to be at night when we are sure no one is going to come to the house to look at it."
"I agree. I have a question. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to. What are your plans with Zoe?"
"Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but after yesterday, I'm not sure how I feel about my date with Zoe. She and I talked about having sex, and I think we're going to fuck. I'm game, but I don't expect it to be like the sex we had. You had sex with Megan. Do you have any pointers?"
"Yes. Make it clear what you're doing is only sex and not a relationship. If she agrees, then forge ahead. If not, leave. That's what I should have done with Megan. Like they say, 'Hindsight is 20/20.'"
All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible. -- T. E. Lawrence
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds! -- Marcus Garvey
The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together. -- Barbara de Angelis
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