Knots, Book 2
by Elias Scott
I walked quickly down the trail to our bikes. Andy kept talking while he tried to catch up with me.
"Come on, Matt. Slow down. I just wanted you to know how fucked up I am. You're my best friend. What happened to that unconditional love you promised? What's the matter, is it too hard for you? Thinking about these things, telling you about them, and fighting my demons is not the same as cheating on you. It's just hard to forget the past. Do you think you could ever forget this past week?"
I continued to ignore him.
"Matt, talk to me."
"Fuck you, Andy. Is that enough talk for you?"
He gave a short laugh. "Better than nothing."
Andy went on with a pleading sound in his voice. "I'll never forget this week. And it isn't any different with Dillon. I can never forget that either. Can't you understand?"
I felt my heart softening because I knew he was right. I could never forget the past week. And it scared me some. Looking at it now, it was like a long rope with knot after knot tied in it. That was our life forever. No matter what he or I did in the future, we'd always have the memory of that week and of each other. And I suppose maybe every knot we tie in our life isn't a bad knot. There are some good ones too.
"You gotta to understand," he insisted. "He was fucking Thomas and Randy while he was fucking me and telling me he loves me. It really hurts. Did you think a week of sex with you would just end the hurt and make everything all right? I'm counting on your unconditional love. Or are you like everyone else? Just a talker."
We were approaching our bikes when I stopped, spun around, put my two hands on his chest, and pushed him. "You know something, you're an asshole, but I still love you. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to me. "Come here asshole. I pulled him into a hug and when I let go said, "Race you."
He was caught by surprise as I ran to my bike and took off with him rushing to catch up. "That's cheating," he yelled.
"I know," I said as I sped around the corner where I usually slowed down.
He couldn't catch up. I pulled up in front of his house, jumped off the bike, threw it down on the grass, and stood with my hands on my hips as he pulled up with a big grin on his face. "I know I'm an asshole, but a lovable one."
I grinned. "I'm still trying to decide."
He punched me in the shoulder, gave me a light shove, put me in a headlock, and whispered, "I'm not sure about you either."
Andy had me when he reminded me of my promise to love him unconditionally. I hadn't thought about what that really meant. I told him I loved him unconditionally just like God loved him because I thought he was going to commit suicide. I didn't know what to do or say at the time. Sex and telling him that I loved him unconditionally seemed to be what he needed. The thing is, by unconditional, I meant I didn't care about what he'd done in the past, what he did with all the girls, or Dillon. I wanted him to know none of that mattered. So suddenly I find I'm stuck with his future too. Andy interpreted it to mean I'd love him no matter what. I wasn't sure I could do that. I could just hear him yelling, "Hypocrite. You say one thing and do another. You're an asshole like everyone else."
The one thing I knew then and know now is I didn't want to be one of the assholes in his life, the people he referred to as "everyone else." At first, I thought he just meant Dillon, but later I figured he was thinking of the kids at school and the whole world who hated gay kids.
But, did not being like everyone else mean I had to accept everything Andy did or wanted to do? I wasn't sure. Words are cheap kept running through my head. It's actions that count.
Talking about Dillon, Thomas, and Randy hurt Matt. But I had to get it off my chest. Keeping it inside made it feel like I was cheating on him. He didn't want to talk about it though. His reaction made it seem like I'd already cheated.
The thing is, I didn't choose this. Yeah, I was fucked up the day I found out about Dillon, Thomas, and Randy. But I didn't ask Matt to have sex with me to keep me from killing myself. I'm not sure if I would have killed myself, or at least tried to kill myself, but I was pretty fucked up that night. Everyone, including Matt, seemed to think I might. I didn't ask him to promise me his unconditional love. But he did and suddenly we were both stuck with it. Stuck may seem harsh, but it was another knot. He was committed to me, and he expected me to be committed to him in the same way, and it wasn't what I had in mind when this all started.
Thinking back on it, it's hard to believe only five days had passed since Dillon was arrested. We found out about Dillon on Monday and by Friday, our world was falling apart at the pond. I'd hoped we'd swing on the rope, sit down and talk, jump in the water, and fuck. But he just got pissed. He grabbed his clothes and said he wanted to go because the place was making him sick. I couldn't believe it. The place that had so many happy memories for us before Dillon, now made him sick and me horny.
Tears welled in my eyes as he rushed off with me chasing him. I wiped the tears and talked to him. But he ignored me. I thought we were lovers, if you want to call guys who fuck each other lovers, and now he wasn't talking to me. No matter how much I tried to tell him about how much it hurt when I found out about Dillon, Thomas, and Randy. He didn't want to hear it. I wanted him to know that while it happened in the past, it's always in the present because of the images, the hurt, and the anger it brought into my mind every time I thought about it.
They say "Time heals all wounds," but I don't think so. It may cover them over with a scab for a time and look like they're healed, but bad wounds always leave a scar. And every time you look at the scar it reminds you of why it's there. I'm not sure I understood all this at the time, but I understand it now.
He must have heard the pleading in my voice because he slowed some, turned around, and shoved me. I thought we were going to fight, but instead, he said, "You may be an asshole, but I love you anyway," as he pulled me into a hug.
I said, "Yeah, but I'm a lovable asshole." That made him smile.
And then, you know what he did? He let go, spun around, ran to his bike, and said, "Race you."
God I love that guy.
Gina and Emily
Gina and Emily were sitting on Andy's front porch in two of the four Adirondack chairs when the Andy and Matt came racing. The guys didn't notice them.
Gina nudged Emily. "Look at those two. You can really see the love between them. I wonder if we look like that. We've been friends as long as they have."
"I hope so," Emily replied. "But you know, as strange as it might seem, I think that when boys really like each other it shows even more than it does with girls. They seem to give themselves to each other all the way." She shook here head. "I can't quite put my finger on it."
Gina nodded. "I know what you mean. Look at them. They're so happy and full of life. Do we ever act like that?"
"I suppose we do, but in a different way. Guys would never admit it, but they touch each other all the time." Emily pointed. "Look at them. Guys are rough with each other. You see the same thing at school. Even their hugs are rough. Haven't you noticed? They give each other hard slaps on the back."
Gina nodded and smiled. "I guess that's what we love about them."
Emily broke in. "Hey, you two. Do you think you could take the time to knock off the horseplay and notice these two beautiful girls sitting on your front porch?"
Matt and Andy looked up with red faces.
"Matt just beat me in a bike race," Andy muttered. "Of course, he had to cheat to do it."
Matt grinned. "I was just giving him a little of his own medicine."
Andy put his arm over Matt's shoulder as they walked up to talk to the girls.
Gina smiled at Matt. "Where have you guys been? We've been waiting here for twenty minutes. We brought your homework."
Matt smiled back. "We were at the pond. It's been a long time since we went there. Plus we knew we'd have it all to ourselves."
Emily winked at the two of them. "Oh, that's right, you guys like to swim in the buff."
Matt looked embarrassed, but Andy plunged right in. "You're right, Em. We love to swim au natural. You and Gina are welcome to join us any time."
Gina and Emily glanced at each other, and now it was their faces that were red.
Andy and Matt sat in the two empty chairs on each side of the girls. Matt sat next to Gina and Andy next to Emily.
"Sorry we made you wait," Matt muttered. "We lost track of time."
Emily gave Andy a serious look. "You weren't messing with Matt, were you?"
Andy teased with a wink. "Yeah, I had my hands all over him, but he didn't want to play."
"Ignore him, Emily," Matt cut in. "You know how he is. Besides, he can't seem to get his mind off Dillon for some reason."
Andy tossed Matt a dirty look. "I hope that guy rots in jail for twenty years." He paused in thought. "But Matt's right. He does pop into my mind once in awhile. But so do you Emily. I'll never forget our night in the park. I can picture it as if it happened yesterday."
Emily smiled. "I'm flattered. Does that mean you consider me 'one of Andy's girls?'"
"Of course Em. You're number one on my list."
Gina cleared her throat. "You guys are coming to school on Monday, right?"
Matt groaned. "Yeah. I guess it's time to face the mad crowd of bigots and homophobes."
"I hate to say, Matt, but you guys are all anyone talks about," Gina said. "Half think the four of you are at fault and the other half think it's Dillon's. It's a no-win situation."
Andy snapped. "It's because they're all horny and wish it was them. Hell, the girls are as hot for Dillon as some of the closeted guys are. I can't be the only gay teen in that school."
Emily looked surprised. "I've never heard you talk about being gay before."
"Well, Em. When you're having sex with another guy, I'd call that being gay."
"But you were raped," Emily pointed out. "You went along because he threatened to tell everyone you're gay."
Matt gave Andy a warning look.
Gina frowned. "What's going on? Is there something you're not telling us?"
Matt scowled at Andy.
"Tell us," Emily pleaded.
Andy lowered his head and then looked at Emily. "Matt was raped, but not me."
Silence blanketed the front porch for a few seconds before Emily responded. "You lied?"
"I didn't have a choice, Em. I didn't want people to know I'm gay. And besides, he did rape Matt and seduced Thomas and Randy. Dillon isn't innocent."
Matt cut in. "Andy's right. Dillon is the predator here. Andy wasn't any different than Thomas or Randy. Dillon worked his magic on Andy too."
"So that means you're not gay?" Gina asked.
Andy paused and glanced at Matt and then Gina. "No, I'm not. I just wanted to see how you'd act." He glanced at both girls. "But would you hate me if I was?"
"Who could ever hate Andy Gibson," Emily said with a smile. "I'll love you no matter what."
Andy glanced at Matt and then back at Emily. "Does that mean you love me unconditionally?"
Emily winked at Andy. "Yes, I love you unconditionally."
Andy turned to Gina. "How 'bout you? Do you love me unconditionally?"
"Yes, Andy. I do. And I love Matt unconditionally too."
Matt bit his lip. "Have you really thought about what that means? It's one thing to say it and another to do it. What if Andy seduced Thomas or Randy just for the fun of it? Just to see if he could do it. Would you still love him?"
"Randy and Thomas had already been having sex with Dillon for a couple years," Emily said. "I wouldn't call it a seduction. That isn't to say I'd approve, but I'd still love him."
Matt pressed. "Then how about if next year, when he's a junior, he seduces an eighth-grader? Would you still love him then?"
"What's with all the questions, Matt," Emily asked.
"I want you to think about what you said. If you love us unconditionally, then you have to love us no matter what we do."
Gina leaned forward in her seat. "You're making this all black and white. It's one thing to love someone unconditionally, and another to accept what they do. You can hate what they do and still love them. At least I think so."
Emily sighed. "You're right Gina. That's the answer. So Matt. I love you both unconditionally no matter what you do, but I don't have to love what you do."
Matt looked away for a second and then back again. "What if we're both gay?"
Shocked looks crossed the girl's faces. "Are you saying you are, or are you just asking the question?"
Matt squeezed his lips together and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "It's just a question. Would you still love us and not hate us for what we're doing? Would the pictures in your head of what we were doing disgust you and make you hate us?"
"As far as we're concerned, we wouldn't care if you guys are gay or not," Emily pointed out. "We'd be disappointed though because we really like you guys and would hate to think you're off limits."
Matt grinned and turned to Gina. "Well, just to show you I'm not off limits, would you like to go see a movie tomorrow?"
Andy gave a slight scowl as Gina's face flushed. "I'd love to."
Matt's grin widened as he glanced at Andy and then back at Emily. "You could go with Andy. We could double."
Emily looked pleadingly at Andy. He winked at her. "Yeah, why not?"
I couldn't believe what happened after we got back from the pond. First I tell the girls I'm gay and wasn't raped, second, Matt asks Gina out, and third, he corners me into taking Emily out. I managed to slough off being gay. But then Matt asks them how they'd feel if we were both gay. Shit, my heart was pounding. They said they wouldn't care, but do they really mean it? I didn't think I wanted to find out.
The worst of it was I told them I wasn't raped. The girls were shocked, but even then, they seemed to understand. Matt washed over it by saying I was seduced just like Thomas and Randy. But then you know what the asshole does? He asks the girls if they'd still love me unconditionally if I seduced Thomas and Randy. Again, fortunately, they figured they couldn't be seduced because they'd already been seduced. That brings up the question, can you be seduced twice? You know the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I think that holds true here. Guess that means I'm free to have sex with those two, because if they agree, it's a shame on them.
So now we had dates for the next day (Saturday). It had been a long time since I'd been on a date with a girl. I've got to tell you, that unlike some gay guys who act like they're going to vomit over the idea of going out with a girl, I'm glad Matt suggested it because I like girls. It's mostly because they're not guys, and it's nice to spend time with the opposite sex once in awhile. It doesn't mean you have to fuck them. Although memories and images of the hot sex I had with some girls before Dillon came along, still got me hard. Maybe I'm bisexual. But given a sexual preference, I prefer guys because they have dicks to suck as well as a hole to fuck.
It was almost five p.m. when Gina and Emily left. My parents were going to be home by five-thirty so it didn't leave us much time to screw around. Matt didn't seem interested anyway. We went into the backyard and laid out on one of chais lounges. We didn't talk for a few minutes. I think it was because so much had happened between the two times we fucked in the morning and the time the girls left.
I couldn't stand the silence. "What the fuck, Matt. Dates with girls?"
He grinned. "Yeah, dates with girls. I'm getting tired of your smelly ass."
"You'd never know it from all the attention you give it."
He punched me in the shoulder. "I guess there's some truth in that."
I rolled my feet round to sit on the long edge of the chais lounge. "I don't mind the dates, but what's with the seducing of Thomas and Randy? You can't let that shit go can you?"
"I was just curious."
I leaned forward with my forearms on my thighs and hands folded between my knees. "You know what they say, Matt. Curiosity killed the cat."
He sat up and faced me. "Nothing came of it, and we found out Gina and Emily will love us no matter what. Isn't that what counts?"
"I suppose. Now, getting back to Thomas and Randy. They can't be seduced twice. You know the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you."
"Yeah, I know it, and I suppose you're right. I understand everything better now. I don't have to like it if you have sex with them, but I still have to love you. It would be hard. And of course, if you're having sex with them, I can still love you and not have sex with you. Is that the way you see it?"
I shook my head. "No. I'd want to have sex with all of you."
Matt scowled. "I don't see it that way right now. Like you said before, we should both be tested for an STD. Let's continue and just keep doing what we're doing until either of us do something that will be hard to forgive. I sure don't want to give up on us."
"Me neither. And don't forget, forgiveness is required if you love someone unconditionally."
We'd forgotten about Emily and Gina coming by with our homework. They waited for twenty minutes. That was more than we deserved. But a lot happened that afternoon and it slipped both our minds.
I kept giving Andy a warning look because I could tell he wanted to get something off his chest and I figured it was either going to be that we were fucking each other or something about his supposed rape. They both came out, but only the non-rape stuck.
I'm not sure what got into me or Andy because we're talking about all this gay stuff as if it was nothing. Of course Gina and Emily said they wouldn't care. And when Gina said that, I couldn't help but ask her out. Crazy wasn't it? I think I'll be more confident this time. I respect Gina so having sex with her wasn't on my mind. Although my new confidence would have made it easier for me to put the moves on her. But knowing Gina, that would probably put an end to any kind of friendship. So maybe she doesn't really love me unconditionally.
I just couldn't let go of the Thomas and Randy thing or the unconditional love thing. I even asked them if they'd still love Andy if he seduced Thomas and/or Randy. Gina and Emily are something else. They said you can only be seduced once.
Andy caught onto that right away. He said, "Right! 'Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.'" So Andy got a freebee and I was still smoldering inside while still thinking about having a fuck session with Andy as soon as the girls left. But that wasn't to be because his mom and dad called and said they'd made arrangements with my parents to go out to dinner at some fancy restaurant that night.
Thomas and Randy
Thomas and Randy came back to Thomas' house after the basketball game on Thursday and were horny as hell after spending the afternoon with Matt and Andy. They quickly got naked, showered together, and gave each other a quick blow job in order to finish before Thomas' parents got home. They wanted to fuck but didn't think there was time. It was better to be found playing a video game when your parents get home than be caught with one of their dicks in the other's ass.
The video gaming wasn't going well. Thomas made a quick move on his controller and then pressed pause. "Did you see how Andy kept putting his hand on my ass? I called him a pervert. I didn't want him to know I liked it. He's one hot guy."
"They're both hot," Randy responded. He lowered is voice as if Thomas' parents would walk in the door at any time. "Do you think they'd be up for some hot sex?"
Thomas shrugged. "I don't know. I'd like to, but don't want to seem too eager. We don't want them to think we're just freshman whores. The guys at school already think that."
"I don't believe Andy thinks that way," Randy insisted. "Maybe I'm wrong, but Andy's acts a lot like Dillon used to when we first met him. I think he'd like to do something with us. I'm not so sure about Matt. He might be straight. It's hard to tell because he doesn't seem interested like Andy."
Thomas nudged Randy. "If anything's going down, I want Matt. There's something about him that I can't put my finger on. I could feel it the whole time we were playing basketball."
Randy nudged Thomas back. "I could tell. But he might not be gay. Hell, are we gay? It's not like we chose to be. At least I don't remember making that decision. One day we're twelve-year-olds out playing football with Dillon, and the next thing we know, we're twelve-year-olds jacking each other, sucking cock, fucking, and getting fucked. And I mean getting fucked in more ways that one."
Thomas laughed. "That may be, but there's no stopping now. My mind says let's keep it between us, but my cock says, I really want a foursome. How 'bout yours?"
"Me too...What do you think we should do?"
Thomas sighed. "I say foursome, but we don't know about Matt. I'd settle for a threesome with Andy. I'm pretty sure he's game."
"I really don't care if Matt's gay. He's just a really nice guy. He might make a good friend." Thomas paused. "But I'm not sure how he'd act if we fucked around with Andy. You saw the looks he gave Andy when he put his hand on my ass."
"Yeah, I wished Andy's hand was on my ass. I wonder if he picked the teams just so he could cop a feel of that fine ass of yours."
Thomas grinned. "I think so. While I might be interested in a little fun with Andy, I'd like something more serious with Matt."
"I understand," Randy acknowledged. "But does Matt feel the same way?"
"I'm not sure, but something happened between us when I paid for his Coke."
Silence fell between them as their minds filled with images of their past, present, and future.
"Let's not do anything for awhile," Thomas muttered. "We have school on Monday and all the crap that we're going to have to put up with. It will give us a chance to get to know them better. Let's just let things go and see what happens."
I found so many good quotes this week; I couldn't help but put four of them here. What's ironic is the variety of people who said them. I realize that it might be too much, but it's rare I find so many that catch my heart and mind.
Chapter Quote 1: One life is all we have, and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying. --Joan of Arc
Chapter Quote 2: There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul. -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Chapter Quote 3: What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate. -- Donald Trump
Chapter Quote 4: Actions are the seeds of fate. Deeds grow into destiny. – President Harry S. Truman
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