A Matter of Perspective
by Elias Scott
Will Waters <willw521K@*-----*.com> Wed, Aug 20, 12:54 AM
Everything is SO NOT COOL! I've actually been home since shortly after 11 but just now getting to u because I've been talking to mom n dad. Very upset!! If I wasn't going on this trip tomorrow I'd be moving to Siberia! And I still might do the latter! I got picked up at 6:30 just like Gary said, then we went n got Carol and Jason and then we started driving in the opposite direction than the movie theater. I ask where we're going. Jason laughed and said "the movies" is just for everyone's parents sake, we're going to a party!
Ok... I didn't want to be a fucking uncool baby so acted like I was as happy bout it as everyone else. I DID NOT wanna be in that fucking car right then!!!! Too late. We drove about 15 miles to this old barn, I don't even know who's, in this big field just outside of town. I think a quarter of the damn school was there! Or in the process of showing up! Of course it was booze and pot galore!!! I was not happy, not prepared for that, not participating, and wanted to fucking go home! Being my coronation back into high society (pun intended) I didn't wanna seem like some little kid ya know? So I mingled.
Boy have my classmates been busy changing in two years! Gotta say nobody was bad to me except for a couple of off color jokes bout me n asshole. A couple people wanted to hear the story, even got a couple claps on the back. One guy (Steve) who's an asshole (one of guys who beat me up last winter) did call me the class's "pet fag", but some girl I don't even know told him to shut the fuck up.
Well...everyone proceeded over the next few hours to get fucked up, dance, make out etc., including my ride. I got pissed, never said goodbye to anyone and started walking home. I got about maybe two miles away from there before I could get decent cell reception, called dad, and he came and picked me up at the intersection of two roads that I knew he'd be able to find. It sucked! I was pissed! It was dark! I was scared! And I'm embarrassed and I'm still fucking pissed! Dad said I did the right thing, so did mom. We sat in the kitchen and ate ice cream and talked for a long while when I got home, mom said to hit the hay and here we are! TA DA! Fucking wonderful! Thank God I'm leaving for 8 days tomorrow cause I don't want to talk to anyone here! Fucking disaster!
Love u Frank! Will n Max
I was surprised when Frank wrote back. Frank's like a parent who waits up for his son to get home and be sure he's safe. Damn, I was glad to hear back from him.
frankf4321s <frankf4321S@-****-.com> Wed, Aug 20, 1:13AM
Be positive. Shit happens. Did you read my quote on life being difficult? It's a great quote. Once you accept that life is difficult, you'll lower your expectations and be a lot happier. Nothing every goes as we expect.
Like I said, the only people you can totally trust are your parents. Still, it sounds like you didn't do too badly at the party. But I'm with you. I never drank when I was in high school so really didn't get together with my friends to go out and drink. Like the picture of the boy in the rain, keep the whole night in perspective. You had a vision of the night being one way and it ended up another. It would have been nice if Jason and Gary would have been honest with you in the first place. Why do you think they weren't? Maybe they thought you wouldn't go if they told you the truth, and they really wanted you to go and mingle with everyone. Who knows? Sounds like you might have panicked a little. But hell, who wouldn't? I liked your comment about the coronation.
I think it was good that you left, but you should have said to the guys, "Hey, this isn't what I signed up for. I thought we were going to the movies. I think I'm going to head home." Of course I'm great at hindsight. I used to always tell my kids "Hindsight is 20/20" and they'd roll their eyes and tell me they were getting tired of hearing it.
If they'd have been your friends for the last couple years you'd have probably told them "If we're not going to the movies, take me home." But that wasn't really an alternative this time. Like I said, it sounds like it didn't go too badly except for a couple assholes. Assholes are always assholes and are usually small minded people who lack confidence and don't like themselves. Be more positive and less negative. Yes, there was some negative, but on the whole, everyone treated you well. Celebrate.
I'm a little pissed myself that Gary and Jason didn't tell you what was up. But shit happens. We didn't use pot in my day. The fact you left probably wasn't a bad idea if Gary was drunk. I wasn't quite sure if he was or not.
I watched a movie a while back that had something similar happen. They went to a party and everyone acted stupid and crazy and the guy left. Wish I could remember the name of the movie.
Well, you are headed to Seattle and you'll have time to put the night into perspective. It will be interesting to see what happens when you get back. So relax, enjoy your trip, and don't stress over last night.
Good night Brave Prince. What a coronation. You know how they talk about baptism by fire. Hey, that's what this was. Like you, I'd hoped and prayed it would be the perfect night, but for all you know there may be a silver lining in this night that you don't know about. Who'd have thought that having the minister slap you would change things for the better?
Keep your head up because you are more special than those guys who only know how to have a good time by drinking and smoking pot. The question is, what would you have done if this was a party of gay guys who were kissing, having sex, drinking, and smoking pot? Would you have acted the same way?
God bless. Love ya. Have a great trip.
Will Waters <willw521K@*-----*.com> Wed, Aug 20, 1:33AM
I'm still up. Too wound up to sleep yet. I can sleep in the car. Now that I've simmered down and had time to think I suppose the night wasn't a total disaster. People with the exception of Steve were generally cool to me, and that chick I don't even know totally shut his ass down after he called me the pet fag, so that was cool too.
I was upset that I was lied to, but had no real arguments with Gary or Jason or anyone per se. Everyone was getting totally trashed though, and I DONT drink or smoke, and the two or three people who weren't getting totally poo pooed weren't leaving anytime soon so I couldn't ask anyone for a ride. And I sure as shit wasn't getting back in a car with Gary and Jason so I could be tomorrow's newspaper article and next weeks memorial service. So I left and started walking. They'll get over it. Probably.
I don't wanna say I'm naive about teen life, but maybe I am a bit. Oh well. The last time I hung out with everyone nobody was doing this kind of shit. I'm not a prude, I don't think anyway, but I was just not prepared for all this, and that's just not my kinda thing. I'm glad I had an ok reception from most of the kids, and I'm glad nobody was mean to me, and I'm glad that everyone seemed cool with my presence, and I'm glad it didn't rain on my walk, and I'm glad to be home in bed with Max, and I'm glad I'm going to Seattle. So alright, overall I guess I'm sorta glad. Glad I got u too. My next message will be probably be sometime later tomorrow after we stop and check in to our first hotel. I feel better now. Thanks.
Love ya! Woof! Will n Max. Nite. Xxoo
frankf4321s <frankf4321S@-****-.com> Wed, Aug 20, 1:46AM
I'm glad to see you have everything in perspective.
I'm not sure why I'm bringing this up now because it's a little off the subject. But I'm not sure I addressed it enough when you said you felt guilty about lying to everyone about being gay. I know you feel bad about lying to everyone, but don't think of it as a lie but as deception. You know you always have the option of telling the truth, but you know where that will get you. I was watching real sports with Bryant Gumbel tonight and he had this football player on that does magic. I was shocked to find out that when he was 12, he came home and found out his father had killed his mother. What a tragedy. Things can always be worse.
Magic is a form of deception. I look forward to your next email and hope you finally get to sleep sometime tonight. God bless. Give Max a hug for me, give yourself a hug for me, sleep tight, and try to have pleasant dreams
Didn't sleep much. Slept in the car. Frank and I passed a few short emails between us until Frank had time to write me a longer note.
frankf4321s <frankf4321S@-****-.com> Wed, Aug 20, 8:22 AM
I got up early, did some core exercises, some stretching, and then had breakfast. What an interesting morning. Figured you were just dying to hear about it.
I hope you've had a chance to calm down. Like I said, think of everything you're doing as friendly payback instead of lying. You could have continued your old life and you would have never grown as a person. You might not like it, but everything you're going through is building character and teaching you to cope just like a chameleon. You're expected to make mistakes in the process. It wouldn't be real life if everything went as planned.
I want an answer to the question I asked earlier. How would you have responded if you'd have arrived at the party and it was a part of gay teens who were drinking, kissing, having sex, and smoking pot? Would you have still left? If not, then take the time to examine the whole evening again with that in mind.
Hope you continue to gain perspective as the day progresses and over the next 8 days. Like you said, your grandparents never took you anywhere or spent much time with you when they thought you were gay. This is why I say you should not see it as lying to them but as friendly payback. You're getting what you always deserved, gay or not.
It's too bad that your whole family has been brainwashed. Just accept them for the way they are. They do all love you. The only problem is that maybe their love isn't unconditional. But like I said, they feared for your soul and felt that by treating you negatively you would come around. They probably think it worked, when in fact you're still gay and you've chosen to play a friendly prank on them. lol
Your old friends didn't fear for your soul. They were more concerned about how hanging around with a gay guy would make them look. Well, they're finally over that, but I'd hold to your guns. By Thanksgiving, everything will probably be completely back to normal.
Remember, everything takes time. It's hard for young people to understand this. Young people want immediate results. It's the same way when I try to lose weight. I want to be 40 lbs lighter tomorrow, but it's going to take at least half a year or more. Life is the same way.
Find a poster that says PATIENCE on it. Or make one of your own and hang it on your wall. And write a note where you'll see it every day. God loves me and I am loved. Remember how you wrote me and screamed, "My dad loves me! My dad loves me!" Don't forget those times or how nice it was to sit down and talk to your parents last night or how your dad went over and punched the asshole. All this happened because you took control of your life instead of letting life push you around.
I hope I'm not being too preachy. If I am, let me know.
God loves you and so do I.
Will Waters <willw521K@*-----*.com> Wed, Aug 20, 9:33 AM
My grandparents decided to take the long way to Seattle so I could see more of the state of Washington. We had lunch in Spokane and then headed to Ellensburg. We're going to Olympia tomorrow. It's the capitol of Washington State. Gramps is letting me drive from Spokane to Ellensburg. And he has the coolest Cadillac escapade! It's awesome! Only got a few min before we're back on the road so I'll be quick, then get back to ya tonite again.
Got be honest with ya I don't know what I would've done if the party was a bunch of gay guys partying and making out???? I really don't. First of all I'm against drinking and especially drugs which is a lot of the reason I freaked and left. I was scared, or at least really uncomfortable. And then there's the gay thing. I'm 17 Frank, my dick gets hard when the wind blows. Who knows what I'd have done. In a way it's not even a fair question, but I do understand why you asked it though. And isn't that really the important part?
Anyway I gotta run. I'M DRIVING! HELL YES!!
LOVE YA! Just me..no Max. :-(
frankf4321s <frankf4321S@-****-.com> Wed, Aug 20, 11:54 AM
Have fun driving that Cadillac. I went to Cadillac, Michigan once.
I think you answered the question honestly because I'm not sure what you might have done either because like you said, "your dick gets hard when the wind blows." Ah, if I could only be young again. I'm not sure what I would have done either, but it's something I thought you needed to think about.
Thinking with our dicks can be dangerous and we might do things we might not otherwise do. That's why I asked the question. I wouldn't be much of a mentor if I didn't ask the hard questions. The next chapter of Knots deals with Andy and Matt prostituting themselves with five 24 year olds because they thought it would be hot and they were going to make a lot of money. But before I delve into the details of their prostitution, Matt spends almost 1000 words pondering the stupidity of what they are about to do and why they are doing it.
Got to go for now. Have work to do. I'm missing Max's sign off.
God bless. And remember, expect the unexpected.
Frank loved telling me to expect the unexpected, and you'd think that after everything that happened I would. But my life has been so dull that I'd kind of gotten in the habit of expecting every day to be the same. It sure wasn't anymore, that's for damn sure.
Will Waters <willw521K@*-----*.com> Wed, Aug 20, 2:43 PM
Hey! We made it! We're in Ellensburg, Washington. My first time in Washington, not that it's a big deal I guess. Kinda is to me though. Anyway we're in a nice hotel and I have MY OWN ROOM! The first thing I did was lock the door and get totally naked and lay spread out on the big bed and jerk myself off silly!!! Seriously!!!! It was great!!! God I'm so horny! Now I'm getting my bathing suit on n going down to the pool for a quick dip because I've got like almost an hour before we're going to dinner. It's SO cool that I've got my own room! Anyway I'll have more time later after dinner to talk, wanna go swim! Just wanted to say hi!L.U.!
frankf4321s <frankf4321S@-****-.com> Wed, Aug 20, 3:47 PM
What fun. Wish I was there. Wish I was thin and wasn't afraid to get in a swimming suit. We'll, I do get in a swim suit and I'm muscular, but I always feel overweight even though I've lost about sixty lbs. Still have 40 lbs to go. If I had a choice, I'd rather be thin. Like they say, "You can never be too rich or too thin." I'd say healthy thin.
I have thought about the party, well two parties since I view them as somewhat the same. The straight party and the gay party.
This is how I would have handled the straight party. I'd have been pissed off that my friends didn't tell me, but I'd have spent the evening talking to the few people who weren't drinking (there are always a few) or smooching somewhere. Girls love to sit down and talk, and since you say you're pretty cute, I'm sure you could have spent the night talking to a couple of them or talking to a couple guys and just had a good time. After all, talking to a girl isn't going to make you less gay. But I think you were probably pretty wound up and really didn't want to be there. It wasn't what you were prepared for. So from now on make this one of your mottos: "Always be prepared for the unexpected." You must be getting tired of me saying that. I'd have stayed there until 11:20 or so. I'd then find the guys I came with and tell them "I have a 12:00 curfew." If they acted too busy to take me home or were too drunk, I'd have said, "I'm going to call my parents and have them pick me up." You could have used the house phone. The point is, I would have hung in there no matter how miserable I was just to show my determination.
Okay now the gay party.
If the guys were gay that you were going with, you would already know you're going to a gay party. I'm sure you wouldn't have objected. You get there and everyone is drinking, kissing, etc. etc., and smoking pot. I've never been in this situation, but I think I would have handled it this way. I would not have drank or smoked pot, but I'd have found a decent guy who wasn't drinking or drunk or smoking pot and started talking to him, and if he wasn't interested, I'd move on or just sit down and wait for someone to talk to me. Sex is a different thing. If I wasn't ready, which I wasn't in high school, I would have just talked. But no matter, I would have still stayed until 11:20, gone to the guys I came with, told them I had to get home because of my curfew, and called my parents if they were too drunk or wouldn't take me. The biggest difference maybe is that you'd have felt more comfortable in the gay environment. But that is a supposition on my part. Gay guys are just as afraid of making friends and hooking up and finding the right person as straight guys. Just because it's a gay party doesn't mean the dynamics are not the same. You won't really know that until you've been there. Do you see my point?
I think your motives for leaving the party had nothing to do with the drinking, pot smoking etc. It went deeper than that. You either felt out of place, hated that the guys betrayed you, didn't want to feel obligated to make out with a girl or act interested in a girl or act like you were having fun. When in doubt, I usually just find a comfortable place to sit and eventually someone will come over and talk. So you found it easier to leave. It's too bad we didn't know what was going to happen ahead of time because my advice would have been to hang in there no matter how hard it was. But of course I'd have said call your dad if they were drunk or wouldn't bring you home.
What time did you actually leave the party?
I'm trying to do what they call in the military, a debriefing. We examine what happened and how we could have handled it differently. So you've been debriefed and you are welcome to fire back at me with your opinion.
I liked it when you said my question about the gay party wasn't really fair. I didn't agree with you, but you spoke your mind and that's good. I always encouraged my kids to speak their mind. I also ask them, "Whover said life was fair" whenever they complained about how unfair life is, Unfortunately, it isn't, as you already know.
Now back to your new motto. "Always be prepared for the unexpected."
I'm writing as a writer now. Let's say you arrive in Seattle and your grandparents take you to this small out of the way retreat center to spend the night. You see other boys there that you find attractive and they tell you they're going to leave you there for a couple days so you can make some new friends and have a camp experience. You think that's cool until you're inside, your grandparents have left, and you find it's a place for making gay kids straight. lol
I'm not expecting that to happen, but see, if it did, you'd be prepared. The problem here is that you don't want to spend your whole life expecting terrible things to happen. You can also expect the unexpected and expect good things to happen. But it's always good to be prepared. By expecting the unexpected in the above scenario, your antenna would have been up and you might have refused to stay there.
I'm writing again as a writer. Your grandparents have box seats at the baseball game. You watch the game and when it's done, they take you to the locker room to talk to a few of the ball players. Would you be prepared? So always be prepared for the unexpected. Then they tell you your favorite ball player is going to take pick you up after breakfast, take you to lunch, and you're going to spend the day with him. Always be prepared for the unexpected.
I'm smiling. I just realized I could write a whole book just using my emails to you and call it The Wisdom of Frank Finnegan. But then my emails are nothing without yours.
Hope you had a great swim and saw some hot guys at the pool. I also hope the drool didn't land on your chest.
Got to finish the next chapter. I'm writing the prostitution scene I told you about earlier. I don't want the story to be all about sex, but I also want to show that Matt and Andy are perfectly capable of continuing to tie knots in their lives.
I look forward to your evening email with all the days' happenings and your response to my last few emails.
Don't forget, God loves you and so do I.
Frank and I passed a few short emails back and forth early in the day that didn't amount to much. I finally got back to him that night after 10:00 PM.
Will Waters <willw521K@*-----*.com> Wed, Aug 20, 11:52 PM
Wow! Sorry...I musta been really tired! Just woke up at midnight in all my clothes and shoes on my bed with the TV blaring! I hate it when that happens. Last thing I remember was saying goodnight to grandma and sitting down on the bed to see what was on TV. Now I'll probably be up half the night!
Frank ur right bout the party, I probably coulda handled it a little better, but I'm not ashamed of how I did handle it! I don't exactly have a ton of practice at these things ya know? And I don't think it woulda been possible to sit with some people who weren't busy getting all fucked up cause there were only like two, and they were about to. But I understand ur point completely about being prepared and rolling with the punches. Ya gotta understand though that the only punches I've had to roll with are the real ones that do make ya roll! So, it'll take some practice.
Yer right, could write a book with all yer nuggets of wisdom you've passed on!! I've saved each and every one, and transferred several (many) to my journal, which I brought with me.
Yep! There were definitely some cute boys at the pool!! Heh heh! I'm about to take a shower and "use" a couple of them right now! Ha! Oh, and I'd DIE if I got to meet some ballplayers in the locker room! Probably get arrested for indecent exposure! Ha!
Guess we're having breakfast about 9 and hitting the ole highway. More tales from the road soon as I can!
Love ya Frank! Jus' Will! Xxoo
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