Everything Will Turn Out Alright
Surprisingly, no one said anything to me about what happened in lunch for the rest of the school day. I had expected the harassment to start the second I got to class but the most offensive thing anyone did to me was stare and whisper to their friends. Not that that made me feel any better. I longed for the comfort of social invisibility.
Even though no one had said anything I still tried my best to go unnoticed. I hunched down in my seat and wouldn't raise my hand even when I so desperately wanted to. When nobody in class knows the answer teachers here have the really stupid habit of picking on the kids who have no idea what the hell is being taught, waiting for them to stumble through a laughably wrong answer and then explaining the correct answer in much greater detail than is needed. I always tried to avoid this by raising my hand and giving correct answers if no one had their hand up. Today, though, I had to suffer through that along with everything else. All in all those last two periods were probably the worst I'd ever had in my life.
After the my last class was over I hurried as fast as the slow moving crowds would let me to my locker hoping to catch Vicky. He wasn't there. Normally I might have waited to make sure I'd missed him but I didn't want anyone to notice that I was there and try to start talking to me. I was in no mood to listen to anyone's bullshit but I didn't want anyone to think I was running away from them either. That would just make things worse. Luckily I was able to put everything I needed in my backpack in near record time and get lost in the end of the day chaos before anybody said anything.
I walked out of the building and looked around for Vicky. He was nowhere to be seen. My heart sank. If his dad was here to pick him up today he wouldn't have been able to wait for me, that would just hold up the pick up line. I looked around again in the vain hope that I'd see him maybe partly hidden behind a tree or something but he wasn't there. Dammit. I really wanted to talk to him about all this. Vicky seemed very subdued at lunch and I wanted to make sure he was ok. He may not have been the delicate flower I had originally thought but this had to bring back some bad memories of his experiences back in New York. I really hoped he was ok. I promised myself I would do whatever I could to protect him from the worst of the abuse that was sure to come our way.
I was walking over to a relatively unoccupied area of the front lawn to wait for my mom to show up when I noticed a group of about 10 or so girls standing in a semi circle around something that I couldn't see off to my right. As I got closer I could hear a steady drone of conversation and every once and a while an exclamation of laughter. I wondered what the hell could be so damn amusing but my curiosity quickly turned to rage when two of them parted for an instant and I saw that they had surrounded Vicky.
Those goddamn fucking bitches! I ran towards them as fast as I could. He must have had the same idea as me to wait away from everybody else and they must have seen him and pounced. My rage was white hot and all consuming. I didn't care if they were girls if they had done anything to hurt my Vicky emotionally or physically I'd make them pay. I'd scream at them, I'd beat the living shit out of them, I'd make damn sure they and everybody else knew the consequences of messing with Vicky.
As I neared them and started overhearing some of what they were saying, however, I slowed down and felt the rage lessening. Then I noticed that Erica and Michelle were part of this group and my rage turned back into curiosity with just a bit of confusion thrown in.
"That is so cute!" one of the girls exclaimed.
"I know!" another one answered. "I can just imagine them sleeping in bed together that must be the sexiest thing ever!"
I had stopped moving towards them and was trying to figure out what the hell I was feeling, (relief? confusion? fear? anticipation?) when Erica noticed me.
"Nate!" she yelled out and motioned me over. All the girls turned around at once and almost all at once shouted my name and invited me to join them. As I walked over Vicky and I locked eyes and his expression was half confusion and half amusement. Seeing his face brought back all the feelings I had before when I thought he was being made fun of and I was filled with such relief at how wrong I was that I walked right up to him and wrapped him in a tight hug. I didn't care who was watching, I was just glad that he was ok. Besides I was starting to realize that I was probably currently in company that would have no problem at all with two boys embracing. I was right.
"AWWWWWWW!" they all said at once.
"That is so sweet!" one of them shouted.
"I know! It's, like, so totally, incredibly hot!" came the unmistakable voice of Michelle.
Several more of them made similar comments but I tuned them out.
"I'm so glad you're ok." I whispered into Vicky's ear. "When I saw them standing around you laughing I thought...." I trailed off not wanting to finish.
"I'm fine." he whispered back. "I was a little nervous when they first came over but all they did was ask questions about us and squeal." He laughed softly.
I smiled, happy beyond words that he was ok, but my smile faded and I filled with shame as I remembered my anger from before. I really would have hit those girls if they had been making fun of Vicky. That really shocked me, I wasn't usually very violent. I'd only ever been on one real fight in my life back in Alaska and that was with a boy who tried to steal my Oreo's at lunch. I would normally never even think to hit a girl. I felt awful.
The thing is, as bad as I felt, I knew without a shred of doubt that if they had been making fun of Vicky and I had actually hit them I would never have felt even the tiniest bit of remorse.
We let go of each other and turned back to the group of.....fangirls? That fit, I realized suddenly. They were acting like a group of teenage fangirls. Although fans of what I wasn't sure yet. Vicky and I? Gay people in general? Were they maybe associating us with characters from some shounan-ai series? I had no idea and I didn't have anymore time to consider it since they were talking at us again.
"So have you, um......" the girl turned red and trailed off. I noticed that she was one of the people that usually sat at a table near ours at lunch. In fact every girl there beside Erica and Michelle sat near us at lunch.
"Have we what?" Vicky asked.
"Um, you know......" this girl also turned red.
"Ugh. You're all such wimps! Have you guys had sex yet?" Michelle asked exasperatedly. The girls all looked equally shocked that she said it so bluntly and eager to hear our answer. I groaned inwardly.
"That's none of your business." Vicky said firmly.
"Awwwww! Come on! You can tell-" Michelle started to say.
"No." Vicky cut her off and held up his hand again. "Look, I guess I don't mind telling you about how we met or that I slept over Nate's house but that's something personal between Nate and me. It's not something we want to discuss with people we barely know in front of the school." I nodded my agreement.
They at least had enough decency to look embarrassed. (Heh, me talking about decency.) Although Michelle, as usual, was the least affected.
"So, can you at least tell us if you kissed?" she asked hopefully.
Vicky sighed and then looked at me. I thought about it for a second and nodded.
"Yes, we have." Vicky aswered.
"AWWWWWWW!!!" they said again.
"You guys are so adorable." Erica gushed. The other girls agreed.
"Will you kiss for us?" Michelle asked suddenly. The girls waited in breathless anticipation.
"What?!" Vicky exclaimed.
"Please? Just one kiss? Look we'll even stand really close so no one else sees ok? Pleeeeease?" Michelle begged.
"Look, we-" Vicky started.
"Please? It's only a kiss and we promise we'll never ask again so please? Please?"
"Come on! We really wanna see! Please? For me? Come on! Pretty please?"
Vicky had turned red and I could see that he had no idea how to respond. He obviously didn't want to put on a show for these girls, and to be honest neither did I, but he couldn't figure out how to get that across to them. I desperately tried to come up with a solution and suddenly something popped into my mind.
"One hundred bucks." I said before Vicky could say anything else.
They all stared at me.
"What?" Michelle asked confusedly.
"One hundred bucks." I repeated. "Give us one hundred dollars and we'll kiss for you, I promise."
They were silent. I'd almost forgotten what silence sounded like. Vicky was looking at me like I was crazy. Just then I heard a car horn and looked over to see my moms car waiting in front of the school. I grinned when I noticed Vicky's dads car was only two cars behind her. We had our escape route.
"We have to go, our parents are here. We'll see you on Monday and remember, we'll only kiss for a hundred bucks!" I grabbed Vicky by the wrist and ran towards the car.
"Why did you say that?" Vicky asked when we were out of earshot. We ran until we were out of talking distance from the girls.
"Look," I said as we slowed down. "They were just gonna keep asking us until we kissed right?" He nodded. "And you didn't want to kiss for them, right?" Another nod. "Well that got them to stop asking and there's no way 13 year old girls are gonna be able to get a hundred dollars. Besides they'll calm down this weekend so even if they manage to get a hundred dollars together they're not gonna want to spend it just to see two guys kiss once."
"Hm," Vicky said and chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." He smiled at me. "But you do know that we're gonna have to kiss if they come up with the hundred dollars right? I don't think that'll make things any easier for us." My good mood evaporated. I had almost forgot about everyone else. There was no way the rest of the school was going to be as disturbingly accepting as these girls were.
"They won't." I said confidentially.
We got to the car without incident although I did notice several less than friendly looks from some guys as we made our way there. Vicky noticed that too and his mood turned sullen again. We said goodbye at my car and I gave Vicky a smile. Vicky only managed a slight half smile in return and then turned and ran towards his car. I got in mine and we drove home.
We drove home mostly in silence. My mom tried starting a conversation with me but even though I answered all her questions she realized quickly that I wasn't in the mood to talk. Traffic was light so it took us less than 15 minutes to get home. When my mom stopped the car I grabbed my bag, took out my key and ran into the house. I know, I know, dashing off into the house and going up to your room isn't the best way to keep a curious mother from knocking on your door and badgering you with questions about what's bothering you but I didn't care. I just needed to be alone and think.
When I got into my room I threw my bag down and turned on the Xbox. Not that I was in any kind of mood for playing games but if Vicky signed on I wanted to be able to talk to him.
I hated leaving him like that. I knew this whole situation was bothering him a lot more than it was bothering me and that worried me because it was bothering me a lot. Or it would have been if I didn't have Vicky to worry about. I wished I was the one feeling the worst about this so his pain would at least be less than it was now. But then he'd feel bad for me and that would make me feel bad about making him feel bad and then he'd just feel worse which would make me feel worse. Dammit, it's hard being in love sometimes. Not to mention confusing.
Speaking of confusing what the hell was up with all of those girls? I had no idea whether to be relieved that they didn't treat us like shit or offended that they apparently saw us as toys that would play with each other on demand. The more I thought about it the more annoyed I got. I'd had fantasies before about having someone watch me have sex but to be cornered and forced to kiss my boyfriend by people I barely even knew was not something I'd had in mind. Although, I guess they didn't really order us, they kinda just begged. Which was weird, but at the same time just a bit flattering. Gaaah! This was just as confusing as my last train of thought. I wonder if Vicky is doing any better at sorting this stuff out?
As I thought of Vicky I checked my Xbox. It had been less than 20 minutes since I got home but I knew I'd be checking that and my email pretty much nonstop until I got something from him so I might as well get started. He wasn't on. No email either. I sighed. This was going to be a long night. I wished that I didn't have to wait until tomorrow for him to come over. Who the hell decided that? Oh, yeah, me. Well it made sense at the time! It was supposed to give us all of Saturday and most of Sunday and we'd drop him off after dinner. Now he needs me and I'm not here. Well, I'm here. But he isn't. And am I talking to myself? Goddammit.
This was really messing me up. Was this how I was going to be every time something was bothering him and I couldn't talk to him? I figured it was. I tried to work out in my head when the absolute soonest possible time we could move in together would be. The results were pretty depressing. The earliest we could move in with each other would be in 5 years after we graduated high school and even then only if we got into the same college and if that college was far enough away that we would have to stay in the dorms. Maybe I could run away and live in a tree in his backyard? At least then I could sneak in his window when something like this happened. You can tell how upset I was because the thought of sneaking in Vicky's window wasn't immediately followed by a sex fantasy and a furious jerk off session.
These were my thoughts as I waited for some kind of communication from Vicky. I kept turning the days events over in my mind between trips to the Xbox and the computer to check for signs of Vicky. There never were any. I tried reading but I couldn't focus on the story for more than two sentences, I tried surfing the internet but ended up refreshing my email page for about 40 minutes and I even tried calling Vicky's house when I couldn't take the waiting but his dad must have been using the line because it just kept ringing and ringing and ringing and who the hell doesn't have call waiting these days? Doesn't that come free now? And his dad is a doctor so it's not like they can't afford a good phone plan.
I was in the middle of a pretty good fantasy that involved a hammer and the head of the idiot who still sold phone plans without call waiting when the phone rang. Could that be Vicky? He'd never called before but maybe his internet was down or his dad did have call waiting but couldn't get off the call he was on or, or, or it didn't matter. I leapt towards the phone with my heart in my throat and my feet caught in my sheets. My face smashed into the floor but I barely noticed as I scrambled over to my phone. I managed to make it to the phone and rubbed my now tender jaw as I answered.
"Hello?" I asked eagerly.
'"Hi." Jason said.
"Oh, hi." I said dejectedly. My whole body sagged.
"Sorry. I guess you don't wanna talk to me right now huh? I understand." he said sadly. I could hear the pain in his voice and somehow that made me feel even worse. Goddamn friends.
"No! It's ok. I just....kinda thought you were Vicky."
"Oh......so, you haven't talked to him yet?" he seemed a bit hesitant and the tone of his voice sent panic racing into my heart.
"No, why did something happen? Did you talk to him? Is he ok?" I asked frantically.
"Hey! Calm down, I haven't talked to him. I was just.....I was hoping you guys didn't hate me."
"Huh? Why would we hate you?"
"This whole thing is my fault, that's why! If I said something to Jen or if I didn't let her sit with us in the first place none of this would be happening. Everything that happened to you guys today is all my fault!"
I had never seen him this upset before. I knew he could be protective of his friends but....damn.
"It's ok." I said as soothingly as I could manage. "I don't blame you for any of this and I'm sure Vicky doesn't either. Besides with the exception of being 'outed' in front of half the lunch room nothing really happened to us." I heard Jason let out a relieved breath.
"You mean no one bothered you? No one made fun of you or started a fight or anything? Christ I was worried all day. I almost skipped basketball practice to get home and call you."
"No, nothing like that. We did get cornered after school b- wait, you play basketball?"
"How do you not know that? I mentioned it like three times this- what the hell do you mean cornered? Who was it I'll kick their ass!"
I couldn't help myself, I burst out laughing.
"It was just a bunch of girls." I said still chuckling. "They were just asking us questions and they wanted us to kiss for them."
"Yeah. I know."
"That's just way too weird."
"Yeah. I know."
"No." I said simply. I didn't feel like getting into the whole 'hundred dollars' thing right then.
"And is that really all that happened?" he asked disbelievingly.
"Well...." I hesitated. "We did get some not so friendly looks from a few guys while we were walking to get picked up. It really upset Vicky." I wanted to say more but I couldn't really explain why I was so worried without telling Jason about what happened to Vicky and there was no way in hell I would ever tell anyone anything Vicky told me in confidence.
"Mother fuckers. I'll-"
"No, you won't." I cut him off. " Look, it's incredibly awesome that you'd do something like that for us but this isn't your problem and-"
"What the hell do you mean this isn't my problem?" he yelled. "Whether you blame me or not this wouldn't have happened without me! You two are my best friends, hell, my only real friends and even if I didn't blame myself I'd still kick anyone's ass that messed with you."
I couldn't help but smile.
"If you would have let me finish." I said patiently. "I was going to say that even if you beat everyone up that gave us problems that'd just make things worse for us in the long run. So far it's just a few looks and even if it gets worse than that this is something we need to take care of ourselves. We can't just sit back and let you protect us." I softened my voice a bit. "I think it's really sweet that you want to protect us though. You really are an awesome friend."
He sighed. "Fine, alright. I won't go around school kicking everybody's ass I guess." I chuckled. "But I'm not just gonna stand around and watch people pick on you." I started to speak but he cut me off. "No, don't say anything. It won't make things worse if I'm just there to back you up ok?"
"I can speak now?"
"Ok, fine. But only if you see something going on. If you hear about something, even if me or Vicky are the ones telling you, you can't go running off to get revenge for us ok?"
"Fine, fine." he huffed. "And I was all set to go all Rambo on everyone's ass too."
I chuckled. "It's the 2000's. You'd have to go all Chev Chelios on everyone's ass."
"God, you really need to start watching movies made in this century."
I full on laughed this time. Not that anything we said was all that funny but a good portion of the tension that had been building up all night just poured out of me and laughing seemed like the right thing to do. It was almost a shame that Jason was straight, he would have made a really awesome boyfriend for some guy. I had a sudden flash of insight and I just knew that no matter how much Jen may care about him she, or any girl really, would never appreciate him the way he deserved. I shook away that thought. I had enough to be depressed about without adding anything to the list right now.
"So, what the hell is this about basketball?" I asked changing the subject.
We talked about that and other light subjects for another hour before he got kicked off the phone and we said goodbye. I felt better. I was still worried about Vicky but I thought I was in a much better frame of mind to help him than I was before. At least I probably wouldn't make anything worse. Probably.
After getting off the phone I went back to my computer and noticed that I had one new email. It was from Vicky! My heart was pounding as I opened it and read.
Hey, sorry about not being on. i just needed to think about some things. im probably gonna go to bed after sending this so ill see you tomorrow. i love you.
Well, that wasn't exactly reassuring. Vicky had never been one for long, flowery emails but this was more terse than usual. And what did he mean by "think about some things"? Could he having second thoughts about us? I shook my head. No, that was a stupid thought, even for me. I may not have known Vicky long but I knew him very well and I knew that he loved me the same way I loved him. There was no way this would drive us apart. Besides, Vicky was smart enough to know that even if we broke up right now and never spoke or saw each other again the damage was already done so it wouldn't do any good at all. It must be a sign of how worried I was that I would even think that.
Still, even though I knew that our relationship was strong despite it's shortness, I now had a seed of doubt in my head that I couldn't dig up. I grew increasingly more frustrated as what I knew and what I was afraid of fought for control over my emotions. I let out a frustrated growl and decided to go to bed early, maybe sleep would help. I never even once thought about doing my homework.
Sleep didn't help.
I tossed and turned for hours, trying desperately to put my doubts and worries out of my head just long enough to fall asleep. When I finally did fall asleep it was due more to exhaustion than any mental peace. I woke up at 7:30 the next morning, one of those wake ups where one second you're dead asleep and the next you're sitting upright wide awake, and immediately picked up right where I left off. I was well rested though, so that was something.
Or maybe not. If I was tired I would have at least had the hope of falling back asleep to comfort me but as it was I knew I'd never fall asleep again so all I had to look forward to was two or three hours of worrying about the same damn things until Vicky got dropped off.
I checked my email again thinking that maybe he might have sent me something else during the night but all that was there was the usual spam. I swore and opened up Vicky's email again. I read it over and over looking for some hint about his mood, something that might give away what he was thinking about, but there was nothing. He did say "I love you" at the end and that should reassure me but what if he loved me but still thought leaving me was for the best?
How the hell did I ever start thinking about this?!
I was now almost firmly convinced that Vicky wasn't going to show up, that he was going to send me an email or maybe even call and tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. It was a complete reversal of my mindset from last night with him leaving me being what I knew to be true and any slight hope crushed down to the size of a seed. I hoped that seed would grow as fast as the last one did but apparently despair has stronger roots than logic.
"Nate! Vicky's gonna be here in about an hour do you want some breakfast?" my mom shouted.
Huh? I looked over at my clock and froze in shock. It was 9:20. I had actually been sitting on my bed thinking about this for almost two hours and it didn't even seem like 20 minutes had passed by. I shook it off.
"Yeah! I'll be down!" I shouted back.
I thought about telling her that I was sure Vicky wouldn't be coming so there was really no need for me to eat ever again but I kept my mouth shut. She'd find out soon enough and I wanted to put off that conversation for as long as possible.
Like the car ride, breakfast was eaten mostly in silence. I could tell my mom wanted to ask what was wrong in the worst way but she didn't and I loved her for it. After breakfast I showered, got dressed and sat down on my bed to wait.
Wait for what you may ask? I had no idea.
I knew Vicky wasn't going to come but my seed of hope and started to sprout and I also knew he would. Ever know two completely conflicting things to be 100% true? It's not fun, trust me. I felt like my brain was tearing itself apart before finally, terribly, I thought of a solution.
What if he was going to show up to break up with me in person?
Leaving aside the fact that this completely ignored the "he won't show up" truth it fit perfectly enough for it to become my new obsession. I was so panicked over this new revelation that I completely lost track of the world outside my doubts and fears and I jumped in surprise as someone pounded on my door.
"Hey, are you asleep in there? I called you three times!" my mom shouted through the door.
"Huh, what?" I said stupidly.
"Vicky and his dad just pulled up, do you wanna come down and say hello or should they come up and present themselves to you?" she asked with a healthy dose of sarcasm in her voice.
I leapt up our of bed, threw open my door and ran downstairs, almost knocking my mom over in the process. Expectations of massive heartbreak or not there was just no way I could not be excited to see Vicky.
And just like that it hit me, the answer to all my problems. Well, this one anyway.
Up until now I'd only considered what Vicky might say or do or feel, I never once put my own feelings into the equation. I love Vicky, I love him so much that sometimes I bring myself to tears just thinking about it, and there is no way I could ever live without him.
So I wouldn't.
No matter what he said or was afraid of or thought would make our situation at school better, I was not letting him go. He was mine, now and forever, and nothing could ever change that.
I got to the door just as the bell rang and I yanked it open. Vicky was standing there with his dad, an overnight bag over his shoulder. He didn't look like himself. His physical appearance hadn't changed, he still looked as beautiful as always, but there was no sign of his usual good cheer or happiness. He looked depressed.
For a moment my heart stopped and all my worries started to flood back but I pushed them away. I would not let anything ruin what we had. Including proper manners.
Before he or his father could say anything I grabbed Vicky by the wrist and dragged him into the house. I pulled him up the stairs, past my astonished mother and into my room before slamming and locking the door. I turned towards Vicky and was met with a shocked expression.
"Nate, wha-" he started
I pulled him towards me and cut him off with a kiss. I kissed him furiously, trying to push away any doubts and worries he may have had with my lips. At first he didn't respond but then he started kissing me back with equal frenzy. My heart soared, even if he did come here to break it off with me like I feared, that he didn't push me away meant that it might be easier to convince him not to. We broke our kiss and I hugged him close to me.
"Vicky, I know you're worried about school and what's gonna happen. I know you think it's gonna be like it was in New York and I know you think that breaking up with me would help but it won't. It's already out there, us being together or not would make no difference at all. But even if it would I don't care. I'm staying with you, no matter what happens, you'll never get rid of me. Ever. I love you too much to let you go." I said forcefully.
Vicky didn't say anything for a while, he just stood there while I held him. I started to worry again. Was he steeling himself to break up with me anyway? Did he think that was all I had to say, that I would give him up after that one attempt? Well, if he did, he had no idea how far I'd go to keep him. I was about to say something more when he finally spoke.
"You....thought I wanted to....break up with you?" he asked in a tone of complete and utter confusion.
"Um, yeah, don't you?" I asked, equally confused. I let him go just enough to look into his face but I still kept my arms around him. He had a look of disbelief on his face and his eyes were glistening with unshed tears.
"What...why would you think that?"
"Well, um, in your email.....you said you wanted to think about something and, well, I thought that meant that you were thinking about us and, um, that it might be easier at school if we weren't together and that's why you didn't talk to me...." I trailed off. Wow, that really didn't make any sense when you try to say it out loud.
Vicky just stared at me for a moment, his eyes still shining.
"Nate, you idiot." he hit me lightly on the chest and smiled. The tears in his eyes started to fall down his cheeks as he buried his head in my shoulder.
At that moment I felt myself falling in love with him even more.
I was still confused, happy, but confused. I was so sure that he wanted to leave me but as I tried to explain it before and as I thought about it now I couldn't figure out why. I held him tighter as I felt my shirt wet with his tears. I wanted to us to stay like this forever, Vicky clutched tightly to my chest with relief and love flowing through my body, but just because my problems were solved didn't mean Vicky's were. I still remembered that look on his face when I answered the door and with that picture in my mind I gave his one final squeeze before stepping back and looking into his face.
His eyes were red with tears and his smile was gone. I wiped the last tears from under his eyes with my thumb before speaking.
"If you weren't going to leave me then what's wrong? You look really depressed." I said.
"Well," he sniffed. "I'm....it's not....." he trailed off and looked like he was about to cry again. My heart broke for him, this must be effecting him a lot more than I thought.
"It's ok." I said. "Come over to the bed and we can sit down." I took hold of his hand and led him to the bed. He sat down next to me and I put my arm around his shoulder as he put his head on me. We just sat there with me holding him for a while and when he spoke again he sounded like he had calmed down.
"I don't want you to think that I'm ashamed to be with you or that I'm embarrassed or anything like that. No, let me finish, I need to get this all out before I start bawling like a kid again. I love you Nate and I could never be anything but happy to be with you. It's just.....those looks...." he swallowed before continuing. "Those looks that those kids gave us after school, they were the same looks that I got back home, the exact same looks!"
His voice got louder and the words just started spilling out of his mouth. "When I saw them everything just came flooding back. The taunts, the insults, everyone that I thought was my friend abandoning me without even talking to me about what happened, everything. I felt just like I did back then for the first time since I met you and I just wanted to grab you and hold you and....." He started crying again and I wrapped my other arm around him and held him close.
I didn't say anything I just held him until he started speaking again.
"I wanted to hold you so badly but I couldn't, not at school, not in front of everyone and their parents, so I ran away. I went up to my room and the feeling just kept getting worse. I needed to talk to you, I needed you Nate. I needed your arms and your body and your smell and I couldn't get any of that at my house. I couldn't get it over Live either so that's why I didn't sign on. I needed to see you and hear you and touch you because being with you is the only thing that ever made that hurt go away. Do you understand me? I could never leave you, I could never live without you, I want you in my life forever."
Hearing the same thoughts that had been running through my head just a short time ago come out of his mouth made tears start running down my face as well.
"I understand." I said with a sob. "I understand."
He pulled himself out of my arms and looked at me. Our tear-filled eyes met and in that look I knew that he knew I felt the exact same way.
Suddenly Vicky lunged at me, pushed me down on the bed and kissed me hard. I wrapped my arms around him and returned his kiss with equal desperation. As we kissed I held him tight. He frantically started kissing me all over my face, he kissed me all the way back to my ear and then bit it hard. It didn't even hurt a bit.
He kissed his way back down to my neck and I tilted my head to the side to give him better access. He licked and kissed my neck I let out a moan and as if that was a cue he stopped kissing me and we both desperately pulled off our shirts and threw them away from us. Our now naked torsos pressed together as our lips met again. As we kissed Vicky's hands moved over my chest, down my stomach and stopped at my pants. With newly practiced skill he unbuttoned them with one hand, unzipped them with the other and pushed them down. I helped him by kicking them off and he grabbed my penis.
He didn't jerk me off or even move his hand at all, he just held me and somehow that was more intimate than any sex we'd had up until then. I ran my hands up his back, to his neck and finally cupped his face. He stopped kissing me and as we looked into each others eyes we once again had a perfect understanding of what the other was thinking.
While he still held onto me I reached down and repeated his earlier performance but on his pants this time. He kicked them off and I ran my hands softly down his back and tenderly gripped his buttocks.
He started to move down my body and as he did my hands slid from his butt up his back and finally came to rest on the back of his head, which was now level with my penis. His lips brushed against me lightly before engulfing my shaft. I ran my fingers through his hair as he moved his lips up and down on me.
I closed my eyes and moaned softly. Oddly enough I wasn't moaning from physical pleasure, the pleasure was almost completely emotional. I could feel his love for me more clearly than I could feel his lips. Vicky soon stopped sucking me but I wasn't expecting to finish in his mouth. I knew that he was just getting me ready for the next part.
With my penis wet and slick from his mouth Vicky climbed on top and slowly started to lower himself onto me. My head pressed against the skin of his hole and I felt the slight, familiar resistance before I slid into him. He was as tight as ever as he took all of me inside him but I didn't feel like I was invading him, it felt like coming home, like I belonged here more than anywhere else.
He started to slowly move his hips up and down. His hole gripped my shaft tightly as he moved his body. He leaned down and kissed me tenderly. I returned the kiss as I slowly started to thrust into him. Still kissing, I rolled us both over so that he was on his back and I was on top of him. As we broke our kiss and I looked into his eyes I finally understood the difference between fucking and making love. This wasn't about physical pleasure, although there was a lot of that to be found, this was about emotion. It was about needing to be as close as possible to the person you loved.
We kept our eyes locked as I pushed into him. I picked up the pace of my thrusting. Vicky's breathing got heavier and heavier until he finally closed his eyes and let out a moan. I took this as my cue to make love to him faster. As I thrust into his tight hole I was struck by how beautiful he was when he was having sex. His mouth was slightly open, his eyes were closed and his head was tilted slightly to the left. I leaned down and kissed him on the neck.
I was making love to him at a steady pace now and every time I thrust inside him I heard him let out a quiet moan. It was so quiet I don't think I would have heard it if my head wasn't right next to his. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and his legs around my waist. Our bodies pressed together and I could feel his hard penis trapped between us.
I changed the way I was making love to him. Instead of thrusting with my hips I moved my entire body up and down as I pressed into him. This had the added effect of rubbing the very bottom of my stomach over his stiff cock. It wasn't long before I heard a louder moan come from his lips and felt jets of sticky wetness flow out of his penis between us. The feeling of his semen between our bodies as I thrust inside him was too much for me, I pushed myself inside as far as I could go and with a long moan of my own I came deep inside him.
When I was finished I slid out of Vicky, rolled over and lay on my back. He turned on his stomach and put his head on my shoulder. We didn't say anything. There was no need for words. Our bodies had said everything that needed to be said. I stroked his hair softly as we lay there together in silence. We stayed that way for hours.
My eyes snapped open. For a few seconds I was disoriented, not really knowing where I was or why I didn't seem to have any clothes on, but as I looked down and saw Vicky still laying on my chest it all came back to me. I smiled. Any worries about school seemed so unimportant right then, the only thing that mattered was being with Vicky.
It didn't take me long to notice that Vicky was fast asleep and it didn't take long after that for me to realize that I had fallen asleep too. I looked over at my clock and saw that 4 hours had passed since Vicky got here. I felt panic start to rise in my chest. Did I lock the door? Could my mom have opened it and saw us like this? I wanted to run over to the door and check the lock but I couldn't move, if I did Vicky would wake up and he was just too damn adorable to disturb right now.
I looked around the room for any sign that anyone had been in here. Nothing looked like it had been touched or moved but chances are that if my mom opened the door and saw me and Vicky sleeping in each others arms completely naked with dried cum on my stomach she probably wouldn't have started rearranging my room. I studied the door again and then breathed a small sigh of relief. Vicky's bag was right in front of the door. The door opens into the room so there was no way that anyone could close the door from the outside and have that bag pressed right up against it. We were safe.
I started to lightly stroke Vicky's hair again. It was so soft! Even after all the times we'd been close or had sex or just held each other I could never get over how soft he was. I felt a grin creep across my face as I started to think about a part of Vicky that usually wasn't soft when we were naked. As I lay there stroking Vicky's hair and feeling his long, sleeping breaths on my skin I realized that no matter what happened in my life as long as I had this, as long as I had Vicky, I could get through it.
I felt Vicky stir on top of me and let out a tired groan. (So damn cute!) I stopped stroking his hair, not wanting to wake him up, but I was too late. Vicky yawned, stretched like a cat and then wrapped his arm tightly around my chest.
"Hey." he mumbled sleepily.
"Hi." I kissed his head lightly.
"Mmmm." he sighed. "Did we fall asleep?
"Yeah, for a few hours."
"Ok." he snuggled closer to me. Apparently he wasn't as concerned about anyone barging into the room and seeing us as I had been.
"You wanna go back to sleep?" I asked.
He thought about it for a while. "Nah. I'm already awake." He sounded less sleepy too. I started stroking his hair again and he nuzzled my chest. (So fucking adorable!)
"Are you....feeling better?" I hated to do anything that might break the mood but I needed to know.
"Yeah. Being with you makes everything better." he answered contentedly.
My heart soared and I felt myself grinning happily. Love really is the solution to most of life's problems, as well as the cause of a lot too. Luckily me and Vicky have had a lot more experience with the solution part of love. I gave him a squeeze. He squeezed me back. Ah, love.
"So, what are we gonna do at school on Monday?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even though we're not really worried that much anymore, we're still gonna have to deal with a lot of crap from people. Do we just ignore then, do we run from class to class and hope we avoid everybody, do we start fights with anyone that says anything? And what about those girls? Even if they give up on seeing us kiss they're still gonna keep bothering us."
"We should run away together."
"Let's run away. We could leave and never have to deal with anybody at school. We could live under a bridge where no one would ever find us and it'll just be the two of us forever."
Run away? That was pretty insane. As annoying as she can be I'd miss my mom, not to mention Jason. But.....I would be with Vicky. And Jason could visit us, we could tell him where we were and he could sneak us food and maybe we could even give him notes for our parents from time to time so they'd know we're ok. I can't imagine bridges would be all that comfortable to live under but any place that had just me and Vicky could be home. Maybe it could work, maybe-
"Um, Nate? You know I'm kidding right?" he asked.
"Umm......" I trailed off, embarrassed. Vicky laughed, sending warm breaths of air across my chest.
"Sometimes I wonder what you use that brain of yours for." he giggled.
My face burned with embarrassment and I was sure that I must be bright red.
"But," Vicky continued. "You'd really live under a bridge with me?"
"I'd do anything if it meant making you happy." And for probably the first time I realized how true that was, I'd do anything for Vicky without even thinking about it. Like living under a bridge with him.
"See? That's why I love you." He propped himself up on his elbow and kissed me. My embarrassment was replaced with a different kind of warmth.
"Because I'm an idiot?" I asked teasingly.
"Because you're you." He kissed me again and then put his head back on my chest. "And about school, we'll just have to lean on each other and deal with things as they happen I guess. No use planning for things when we don't know exactly what's gonna happen, right?"
"Yeah, you're right." When did Vicky become the strong, confident one? Not even 24 hours ago he seemed to be almost in tears because of a few dirty looks and now he's being all calm and rational.
Could I really have that much of an effect on him?
We cuddled together for a little while longer until my mom called up to us to ask if we wanted lunch. Since I had sort of forgotten she existed I was a bit surprised at this. Vicky apparently also forgot about my mom being.....well, being, because we both scrambled out of bed at the same time and started to frantically pull our clothes on. We got dressed in record time (suck on that, jeans!) and I shouted down that, yes, we were hungry. She said she'd make something for us and it'd be ready in about 20 minutes.
And that was it. She never came up, she never asked us to come down, nothing. We looked at each other and laughed. Oh well, at least we knew that our dressing time had improved. Unfortunately that was all that got better.
"Your shirt's on backwards." I grinned.
"So, yours is on inside out." Vicky shot back. "Plus you're wearing my pants."
I looked down. Huh, so I was. I giggled, which in turn made Vicky giggle, which then turned my giggles into full blown laughter, which made his giggles turn into full blown laughter, which.....well, that's it I guess, we just laughed for a while. It wasn't really all that funny but by the time we got ourselves under control we both had tears cascading down our faces and we were so out of breath that we had to frantically gulp down air to keep from passing out. Of course once I noticed Vicky's impression of a tear streaked fish trying to suck down air I immediately started laughing uncontrollably again. Which, of course, set Vicky off again as well. Even as my chest burned and I fought to fill my lungs with enough air so that my next laugh wasn't the one that suffocated me and even as I wondered just what in the hell was so damn funny I couldn't help but notice how good this felt. This pointless, out of control laughter was just one more thing that I was sharing with Vicky and I found myself never wanting it to end.
It did, eventually. We got ourselves under control enough to where we only had a few sporadic giggle fits here and there. Any sadness at our shared laughter's end was quickly forgotten as we started to change. Even though we had just seen each other completely naked less than 10 minutes ago I got instantly hard as the sight of his exposed flesh and my head filled with all kinds of naughty thoughts and desires. Vicky caught me staring at him and he grinned wickedly. God! Seeing that naughty little grin on his sweet, innocent face was such a turn on! I wanted so desperately just to grab him right there and rail him, not the sweet love making we had before, but full on balls deep lust fucking. Sadly, that didn't happen. We changed, staring at each other and grinning the entire time, then went downstairs for lunch.
The smell of partially cooked grilled cheese sandwiches assaulted us as we sat down at the table. Was there any smell as great as grilled cheese being cooked? I thought of Vicky's scented body spray and realized how stupid that question was. I'm sure I don't need to mention this by now but I got hard as a rock once again at the thought of Vicky's scent. Yay for tables and all the wonderful things they can cover up. When our sandwiches were done my mom put them on plates, set them in front of us and then to my surprise sat down at the table with us.
Uh oh. I knew that look. It was her "enough is enough, I want the truth" look.
"Ok boys, what's going on?" I didn't know it was possible to mix concern with impatience and harshness but she somehow managed it. Vicky, not noticing the look or noticing it and not knowing what it meant, had taken a bite of his sandwich but stopped chewing after the question was out. Mine still sat untouched and I had a horrible feeling that it would be very, very cold by the time I got around to picking it up.
"What do you mean?" I asked trying as hard as possible to sound like I had no idea what she was talking about. I did, though, and her response confirmed it.
"You know exactly what I mean. You've barely said three unprompted words since I picked you up from school on Friday and you spent all night last night locked in your room. In fact you've been acting strangely this whole week. Then today you were incredibly rude to Vicky's dad, just pulling his son up to your room without even saying hello, and you didn't come out for over four hours. And then I find out from your father that you," she pointed at Vicky, who swallowed his half chewed sandwich nervously "have been acting the exact same way. So what's going on? Is something happening at school? Did somebody.....do something?"
Crap, this was going to be worse than I thought. I expected the stuff about Friday, I knew I did nothing to hide how upset I was, but she also noticed something wrong earlier in the week? Crap, crap, crap. And what about all this with Vicky's dad? He noticed something too? We we really both this bad at hiding our emotions? I was suddenly very glad that I didn't decide to keep me being gay from my mom any longer than I did, it would not have stayed secret long at all. No use spending time thinking about problems that I could have had when I had a very real problem in front of me right now. As cool as my mom could be about things, when she isn't doing something like this, there was definitely a limit on how much of my life I wanted her to know about and this was very much past that limit. Not to mention that it wasn't exactly outside the realm of possibility that she would get out of the car on Monday after dropping me off and personally tell every student she saw not to bother me or Vicky unless they wanted to deal with her. That type of thing might be endearing, if unwanted, from Jason but from my mom it would be completely and utterly humiliating. I'd rather just be known as the school queer than the school queer that needs his mommy to protect him. I had to think up a plausible lie, and fast.
"And don't you dare lie to me." she added quickly. My jaw dropped. "You always get that same look when you're about to feed me a line of bullshit I won't have it."
Jesus, she never swears in front of company. She must be pretty damn serious.
"And if you aren't going to tell me then I'll just get it out of him." she pointed at Vicky who swallowed visibly, and this time it had nothing to do with food. Damn her, she went right for my weakest weak spot. I'd never subject Vicky to one of her interrogations.
"Ok, fine! Just......promise me you won't overreact ok?"
She glared at me.
"Please! I swear it's not all that bad and we already know how we're gonna deal with it so we don't need any of your 'help' ok? So please just promise me that."
"Fine." she said after a few seconds of thought. "But I expect the whole truth."
And that's exactly what she got. Well, mostly. I explained everything to her. Jason's girlfriend sitting at our table, her friends having crushes on us, us trying to get them to lose interest, our utter failure at that, Jen 'outing' us in front of the entire cafeteria, the creepy fangirl reaction to that, Vicky and me getting surrounded after school, the dirty looks (man, I thought she was gonna snap at that one), my reaction, Vicky's reaction, me waiting to talk to Vicky (I saw him wince slightly as I described how upset I got over that), me pulling Vicky up to my room and finally our resolution to keep each other strong and deal with things as they come. Like I said before, however, I only told her most of the truth. I left out anything about Vicky's experiences in New York (that would always be his thing to tell, never mine) and our incredible love making session. I also made Jason out to be more of a victim in this than he really was (not that I had started to blame him or anything but, well, I could see how someone might think he started all this), the last thing I needed was my mom deciding that all this was his fault and forbidding me from ever hanging out with him again. She took all this about as well as I expected.
"Well, I'll have a chat with the principal tomorrow, I'll make sure he makes it known that you two are not-"
"NO!" I shouted. "Are you insane? You can't do that! That would just make everything worse! You promised me you wouldn't overreact, you promised!" I said this last very forcefully. Promises were her one weakness that I could exploit. She had been betrayed by my dad so many times that she was compulsive about keeping promises.
She sighed frustratedly. "Well what do you expect me to do, nothing?"
"Yes! That's exactly what I expect you to do. This isn't something you can fix, mom. Me and Vicky need to handle this ourselves, it's the only way we'll ever have a chance at getting people to leave us alone." I had to make her realize that this was one thing she could never make better but I knew that wasn't going to cut it. She was not the type to stand around while her son went through a hard time. She had to feel like she was doing something. I really was lucky to have a mom like that but I just wished she could be that way and not take it to the extremes that she sometimes did. Suddenly I knew the best way she could help is out without making everything worse. "Mom, if you want to do something just keep doing what you're doing. Be supportive and accepting of us and just, you know, be here if things end up getting bad. You've been really good at that so far and it's really helped me a lot." I hit me as I was saying it that that was probably the truest thing I had ever said that wasn't "I love you, Vicky." For all the times when she acted like....well, her, she was always there for me when I needed it and even without me ever realizing it she made it so much easier to be comfortable with myself whenever my infrequent doubts and worries creeped in. Between her, Jason and Vicky I had the very best in family, friends and love. I felt my eyes start to well up and it took every ounce of self control I had to keep those tears from falling.
I saw a slight softening of my mom's features and when she spoke her voice had lost all of it's harshness. "Alright, if that's all you need then I can do that. But I want you to know that you, both of you, can come talk to me if you have any problems ok?" she smiled slightly. "I even promise I won't overreact ok?"
"Ok," I smiled back. "And thanks mom."
"Thanks, Julia." Vicky said, his first words since my mom sat down at the table.
My mom smiled at him then frowned down at our lunches. "Are your sandwiches cold? Do you want me to heat them up?" I felt mine and, like I had predicted, it was ice cold. So was Vicky's. We both said yes and she heated them up and gave them back to us. They tasted pretty good for reheated grilled cheese and we gulped them down. My mom left us alone to eat but we didn't talk. It wasn't an awkward silence or anything like that, we were just both thinking about everything. We finished, put our plates in the sink and went back to my room.
"Your mom is scary." Vicky said once the door was closed. I let out a short bark of laughter.
"You think? I tried to tell you she wasn't all eggs and sweetness." Vicky giggled. "But....I'm sorry about all that. I didn't think she'd do that while you were here."
He shrugged. "It's alright. You handled it well, I'm proud of you sweetie." He gave me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. I blushed.
"Yeah, well, you know she's gonna tell your dad about all that right?"
"And you know he's gonna wanna talk to you about it again, right?"
"Well, I'm sorry about that too."
"It's ok!" he said laughing. "He would have said something to me about it anyway."
"You think he'll take it well, you know, with everything that....happened?" I finished lamely.
"You mean will he freak out that I got outed once again and ship me off to the dark corners of the world to spare me the constant torment of my fellow schoolchildren?"
I never considered that this might lead to Vicky moving again, I just wanted to make sure his dad wouldn't do what I just barely stopped my mom from doing, but now that the thought was in my head I had something new to panic over. Joy. I was getting ready to build up to a pretty good freak out myself when Vicky stopped it in it's tracks.
"Nate, he won't." he said reassuringly. "We just moved and he just started a pretty important job, there's no way I'm going anywhere." he grinned. "Plus, I'll be incredibly smooth and reassure him I can handle it, it'll be easy, he's nowhere near as scary as your mom."
I laughed. I knew very well how smooth and charming he could be when he wanted to. Of course, it may just work on me because I'm hopelessly in love with him, I didn't think his dad had any such feeling. At least I really hoped he didn't because that last sentence put a whole bunch of incredibly unneeded thoughts into my head. I may be a raging perv but even I have my limits.
"So," I tried desperately to banish those so very disturbing thoughts from my head. "I guess that means we've averted a crisis huh?"
"Yeah, at least until school." he frowned. "Nate, do you really think we'll be able to do this? I mean really?"
He looked me right in the eyes as he asked this and I saw a bit of doubt but I also knew he wanted a real answer, no matter how much I wanted to grab him and be the reassuring, confident boyfriend I promised myself I'd never lie to him and that included half truths and empty comforting.
" I don't know. It'll be hard but I think we can probably manage. Especially if we're together." I smiled at him. "It's easy to make a single person feel like crap but it's a lot harder when there are two people supporting each other. Plus we still have Jason and I guess the annoying fangirls so it's not like we'll be completely friendless."
"Heh, can't lose what you never had right?" He sounded bitter.
Damn, this wasn't going as well as I hoped. I recognized his tone, it was the same tone I used when I was determined to feel miserable. I could offer all the positive encouragement in the world and no matter how much I believed it it wouldn't do much good. At least not right away. I had to do something that would snap him out of it. Grab him and kiss him? Unzip him and give him a blowjob? Strip down and present myself to him? No, that might make him feel better now but it wouldn't do anything to solve the actual problem. I needed to do something that would make him feel better about facing everybody at school on Monday and sex just couldn't solve that. I thought about it for a bit and then felt a grin spread across my face.
"Hey Vicky, let's go on a date."
"Huh?" He sounded confused but confused was better than sullen out of hand rejection.
"Let's go on a date." I repeated. "Let's go out and spend time together like a normal couple."
"You mean, like, in public?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah, in public, stupid." I smiled. "Come on, everyone we know already knows we're a couple now right?" He nodded slowly. "So what's the point in staying up in this room brooding about what's gonna happen on Monday? We should go out and show everyone that we go out on dates just like everyone else, that we don't care if we're seen together."
"So, we what, just shove our relationship in everyone's face?"
"No!" I interrupted before he could go any farther. "We just need to show people that we aren't weird or different, that we can have fun and be together just like they can without it being a big deal. If we act like it doesn't matter then maybe it will stop mattering to some people." I smiled and placed my hand on his cheek. "I'm not saying it'll solve all our problems but it could be the difference between the entire school making fun of us or just a few assholes." I grinned. "Besides it'll be fun. I've always wanted to go on a real date."
"You....wouldn't be scared?" he asked quietly.
"Hell yes I would! I'd be terrified." That was the fucking truth. The one thing I've always been the most afraid of was being 'outed' and having everyone know I was gay. No matter how much I may have wanted it the last thing I ever expected was to be able to be out in public with a boy on an actual date and normally I never would have even considered it. Hell, even with Vicky I'd hoped to keep all this a secret and I still kinda did, though that was now impossible. I was petrified at the thought of being out with Vicky in a group of people, knowing that every show of affection was being watched and judged by everyone around us but I really did feel that it was the best way to start getting people used to the idea of two gay kids being just as normal as them. Still, even that may not have been enough to get me to actually suggest it but since the idea popped into my head I discovered that I really, really wanted to go out with Vicky. Now I just had to convince him. "But what's the worst that could happen? People start harassing us a few days early? My mom can drop us off and pick us up right out front of wherever we go so there's no need for us to walk around in any dark, deserted areas and risk getting jumped and if anyone tries to start something in a public building security will kick their ass out in a second. We'd be just as safe out as we would be at school, more so really since most places that kids go to tend to have at least one cop around on the weekends."
"Well....where would we go?" I gave a little internal jump for joy. He was coming around.
"The movies are always a good place for first dates." I grinned.
"But....it's Saturday night, it'll be filled with people from our school and people from the high school too!" Damn, I was losing him.
"Look, we'll have to deal with high school kids eventually, it's not like we can stay in 8th grade forever, so we might as well start in on them too. Hell, a lot of them will have younger brothers or sisters in our grade anyway so it's a good bet that some of them probably already know." I took his hands in mine and looked directly into his eyes. "We don't have to do this if you really don't want to, but I do, I think it'd be fun and I'd love to finally be able to show you off and make everyone insanely jealous of me." I smiled. "Please? For me?"
Ok, so maybe that was just a bit unfair, but I really wanted to do this and I knew that if he just said yes and we went out he'd end up enjoying himself. I could see his struggle with the decision play itself out across his facial expressions and body language and before he even opened his mouth to answer I knew what he'd say. My smile widened into a full blown grin.
"Ok." he said. "Let's do it."
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