Where Do I Fit In?
by Andrew Foote
Throughout this story real organisations and real people are mentioned by name. Their place in the tale is in the author's imagination. No thoughts, words or deeds attributed to those people or organisations are real, nor have they ever happened. This is a story! It's fiction. The people and organisations, even when they interact with the characters, are presented in an entirely imagined and fictitious manner, and no discourtesy is intended to them by the author nor by the web site.
I did wake a few times during the night, I suppose I wasn't used to anyone sharing my bed but each time I surfaced, the memory of who was with me, cuddling me so close sent shivers down my spine but when the early morning birdsong woke me for the final time, our positions had changed. I had turned over, my right arm underneath Lucas's back, his right arm draped over my midriff. Oh my God, we were seriously 'groin-to-groin' and every other part of us for that matter but we were both sporting stiffies, no doubt brought on by full bladders but stiffies none the less!
I allowed myself to relax and enjoy these new-found feelings, luxuriating in the tender softness of his body. No. I couldn't tire of this, of that I was certain but sex with another boy? Whoa! I don't know about that but I knew that it couldn't last, you know, one without the other? Lucas was being very patient but I couldn't expect him to wait for ever so now I've some serious thinking to do.
Now I could understand why he'd decided to talk to his pastor, okay, as it turned out it was a bad decision or rather it was the bad man, wrong man even but I could get the logic, he needed answers and from someone worldly-wise. I was wondering who I knew that fitted the bill just as Lucas turned over in his sleep giving me an uninterrupted view of his bum, the first one out of Speedo's. All thoughts of counselling or whatever soon forgotten as I feasted my eyes on the single most fantastic sight I'd ever seen!
More than ever I wanted to touch him, oh God I was shaking, I needed to kiss those beautiful orbs, to knead them, caress them bury my dick between…………HANG ON JUST A FUCKING MOMENT?? What's all this stuff! I'm NOT gay! Ah I've got it! His bum is just like a girls! SORTED! But wait a minute? I'm also interested in what he's packing one hundred and eighty degrees about and even I know that's not what girls look like? Oh dear! Just more unanswered questions!
Given he'd released his grip on me, I elected to go and have a leak, maybe my togger would go back to sleep even if I couldn't but in any case, I'd leave my Lucas to sleep on. My Lucas?? Oh…..whatever!
Leak done and very necessary it was! Sorry, you didn't want to know that, I cast a glance at myself in the full-length mirror. "What does he see that I can't?" I mean I'm 'okay' looking but nothing in comparison to him? I'm not fat or anything in fact a couple of extra pounds wouldn't go amiss but………..I'm nothing out of the ordinary. I'll ask Jo. She's always honest with me.
I left the bathroom and took a peek around my bedroom door, - Lucas hadn't moved so I quietly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen to make some tea totally oblivious to my state of undress, that was until Jo appeared from the living room!
"WHAT THE F……….!! Andy, for Christ's sake cover yourself up!! Dear GOD in heaven! What are you at wandering around in the nude?"
Facing the hallway door and shielding her eyes, she back-passed me one of mums aprons.
"Oh SHIT! My fault, I'm sorry? Simon and I had a fight last night so I came back. Hey, don't tell M+D but I was drunk and couldn't do the stairs which is why I slept in the lounge……………wait a minute? Your friend Lucas should be here!"
"He is. Still in the land of nod. I didn't want to wake him. Why?"
"So you always wander around totally naked when your friends are here do you?"
"No, only Lucas. He's different. No look I mean we train together, we'll be diving as a formation. Shit Jo? We see each other naked all the time, it's nothing to write home about?" I lied.
"Hmm. Well if he's as well put together as you seem to be………sorry Andy but you're hung brother! Anyway he'll do fine with the girls and no mistake!"
I made no comment!
"Look Jo? While we're like talking personally, can you tell me something? I need you to be honest, no bullshit okay?"
"I'll try but don't hit me if I give the wrong answer!"
"There's no right or wrong answer and anyhow I would never hit you but answer me this. Would you say I'm like 'okay' looking?"
"No. You're a little stunner actually. Christ, hasn't anybody told you yet? Dear God and little fishes! All my friends wish you were like six years older but if you were, your willy would've been worn down like an old pencil in a matter of months! Seriously now? You are a looker. You have nothing to worry about except fighting off advances! Happy?"
"I never knew. I just thought I was ordinary-boring. Yeah recently someone said I was okay but……….you're not taking the piss are you?"
"As God is my witness, you are one terrific-looking guy and I'm proud you're my brother! Now let me get to my bed! Jesus, Mum and Dad will be back in three or four hours and I feel like crap. Why don't you finish making that pot of tea and take some up to your boyfriend. Let's cut the crap Andy. I'm not stupid, I can read the signs and all of yours are lit up in glorious Technicolor! Don't worry. I'm here for you. Nothing gets said. Okay?" and with that Jo made her way to her room.
I parked myself on a stool and watched as the kettle started to boil. 'Was I upset by Jo's comments?' Actually no, I wasn't but it was a touch unnerving but still, it was nice to know she thought I was good looking. I shrugged my shoulders and made the tea.
Lucas hadn't moved, he was still lying on his stomach giving me an uninterrupted view of his bum causing my dick to twitch beneath the apron I'd forgotten I was still wearing.
"Is that tea I can smell?"
"Umm yeah. I didn't realise you were awake. Want some?"
"Yes please! I woke and heard voices. Does that mean your parents are back already?"
"No but Jo's home. She and Simon had an argument over something so she came back earlier this morning."
Lucas turned over, completely unfazed by his nakedness, looked me up and down then started giggling.
"Like the snappy apron! You should make a habit of wearing it, it suits you!"
"Funny fucker. I never realised Jo was home and she came into the kitchen as I was boiling the kettle. She gave it to me to protect my modesty or maybe to protect hers! All very embarrassing."
"I can but imagine. What did you say to her."
"I didn't get much of an opportunity, she was more interested to know why I was wandering around the house starkers' while you were here. I told her it was no big deal as it was normal to see each other naked as we trained together. Okay not the honest truth but close enough for government work."
"What about your folks? Will she go telling them?"
"No. We've got a pretty solid relationship. We've had our spats but then what siblings haven't but by and large we get on very well, she won't go saying anything but the frightening bit was when she told me to bring some tea up to, and I quote, my 'boyfriend'!"
"Oh fuck Andy? You mean she thinks you're gay?"
"She might but more likely she just took a flier especially after what I asked her."
"Well you know how I see myself, normal / average? I asked her for her opinion and she said……..I won't tell you what she said but she was very complimentary as it happened but she also was slightly surprised that no one had told me before. I said someone had just recently and maybe she just put two and two together and came up with four. I mean boys don't normally go around complimenting each other on their looks do they?"
"No I guess not. How do you feel about that? You know, what your sis believes to be true?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Sanguine I suppose. No point in making an issue out of it. You know the expression, 'when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging'."
"Ha-ha! That's a new one on me! New but very true!"
"Umm………by the way. Thanks for last night. I loved every moment of it. You kept your promise to me and I appreciate it."
"So I did, not that I was awake long enough to get fruity but in any event, if I say I will or will not do something, trust me Andy, just trust me. No matter how great the temptation, I'll always respect your wishes."
I rolled over and took Lucas into an embrace, kissed him on the cheek then settled down beside him.
"I do love you you know?"
"Sorry, I didn't catch that."
"I said I loved you."
"I said………..oh stop taking the piss! You heard me well enough!"
"Yeah but I just love hearing you say it. What was that you said about breakfast?"
"I didn't but I can take a hint. I'll get dressed and go sort something."
I went to get up from the bed but Lucas grabbed my hand, looked at me then kissed me gently on the lips. I was stunned, nicely stunned!
"Step number three Andy. Sorry but I needed to do that."
"A sweet step and anyway, stop apologising! I'm not sorry so neither must you be. Breakfast before I do something I might regret."
There's nothing quite like the smell of a fried breakfast, how vegans or for that matter, vegetarians can resist the aroma of grilled smoked bacon is beyond me. It certainly brought Lucas downstairs quick enough and surprisingly, shortly followed by Jo. Lucas acted as if nothing untoward had gone down the previous night as he engaged Jo in conversation.
"Hey Jo? I thought Andy said you were looking slightly the worse for wear this morning? You don't, you look pretty good to me!"
"I do? I mean I got shit-faced drunk, busted up with my boyfriend, slept on the settee which, by the way, has springs where springs really shouldn't be and you say I look okay? Eye-test time for you but thanks anyway, oh and we've made up, you know, Simon and I so maybe that helped."
"I'm pleased for you. Andy said he was an okay guy."
"He's lovely actually. Last night was my fault, I hate to admit to being in the wrong but I was horrible to him, no wonder he kicked me out! I would've done the same had the situation been reversed."
"Listen, I know he doesn't want to go making a song and dance about it but you really put the wind up Andy this morning ya-know?"
" I put the wind up him? Jesus! What about me? There I was, feeling like shit only to walk into the kitchen to see my own brother wandering around wearing nothing but a smile and I put the wind up him?? Oh please!"
"Okay, yeah I can see how that might come as a bit of a shock but that wasn't what I was talking about."
"What else was there? I don't recall anything else going down, - sorry, bad choice of words."
"Ha-ha! No it was just you said something like 'take a mug of tea up to his boyfriend', meaning me I assume."
"Well come on? What was I supposed to think? There he was, naked as the day he was born, presumably you were as well, there's only one bed in his room…….I mean, come on Lucas? Look I don't mind if you're both gay, none of my business really and so long as you're both comfortable with it, well that's cool."
"Okay then. From the top. I am gay. Andy knows and he's cool with it. He by contrast isn't, gay I mean. Sure we shared a bed last night but that doesn't mean anything went on cuz it didn't. Andy was just a bit shocked you thought that way is all."
"That's a bit upfront but thanks. I did mean what I said though, it doesn't bother me. I'm really sorry Andy. I just read too much into it I guess. So you're serious Lucas? Being gay I mean? A sad loss for woman-kind is all I can say!"
I laughed! "But maybe a bonus for mankind sis!"
Jo cast me sideways glance.
"Whatever you say brother, whatever you say. Look thanks for the brekki, I'd do the washing up but I think I'd better get out of here before Mum and Dad see me looking like a crock of crap. See you later."
"What made you say those things about yourself? I mean she was right in one respect, it isn't any of her business when push comes to shove?"
"I just thought it'd clear the air. Sorry if I spoke out of turn."
"No it's cool but there's just one thing that bothers me. What happens if I find out that I am gay? What then, how do I tell her?"
"Simple. You just came on that realisation a bit later than I did. You're only twelve Andy? We don't all mature at the same speed?"
"Good plan because………can I tell you something?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"Last night or rather this morning I err………found myself looking at you. You'd turned over onto your tummy and…………oh shit this is difficult! You already know that I think you're beautiful-looking and stuff, I love your body and well, everything about you really but here's the rub. Looking at you as you slept, the thoughts that went through my head were…..to put it mildly, erotic in the extreme. Lucas I wanted to do stuff, to touch you, to have you make love to me! Now those are hardly the thoughts of a straight guy, are they!"
Lucas thought for a moment before answering.
"Why do you feel the need to go hanging labels on yourself buddy? Okay, look. What if you close your eyes and think how you might react if I had been say, one of those chicks at the swim club naked in your bed? You think you might pop a boner? Want to touch them, make love to them?"
"More than likely, yeah I would but that doesn't alter the fact I wanted you, I still feel like that Lucas? It's almost like I need both or rather I'm interested in both somehow!"
"Okay then. If that was me in bed with that chick, yeah I'd probably recognise her as being one pretty girl, I'd even admire her figure, I mean even gay guys know a beautiful girl when they see one but I definitely wouldn't spring a wood and certainly I wouldn't want to do anything with them, that's just the way I am. Now I'm no expert but I'd say that you're definitely bi and you might even be gay but with all those damn hormones jostling for position, who can tell. Just cut yourself some slack Andy, give yourself some time and if you get the urge to touch me then you go ahead and touch, it's all good but then if you decided that it really wasn't your thing then that's good too. You know I'm crazy about you and I want you so much it hurts but anything that happens will be at your instigation, not mine. I cannot risk damaging our friendship for the sake of getting my jollies. You get my drift?"
"Thanks Lucas. Thanks for loving me."
"Not that I had any choice in the matter but you're welcome! Let's get this washing up out of the way so we can relax."
"What's that noise Andy?"
We were sitting out in the garden, I was engrossed in a library book and Lucas was playing games he'd not seen before on my tablet. I looked up and listened.
"Bugger! That's my phone! I forgot I left it upstairs. Won't be a moment."
I chased up to my room and on finding it I noticed I'd had two missed calls, the first a number I didn't recognise, the second being my Mum. I went back down stairs and made her my first call.
"Hi Mum, sorry I missed your call. ------- Yes we had a great time thanks, you're light of a bottle of Shiraz though! -------- No that's what I thought. -------- Yes he's still here. Do you need to talk to him? -------- Oh wow? Lucky you! -------- Tonight you say? Well I'd love him to but you'll have to ask him. -------- Okay I'll put him on."
I handed the phone over, Lucas raised an eyebrow and mouthed "For me?" to which I nodded my head.
"Hi Mrs Pope. How was the theatre? -------- Oh that's great! -------- Oh yeah, we had a blast! Andy's a great host. -------- Hey that's really cool! I've only been to a theatre once and then I'm not sure if I understood much of it! -------- Oh yeah, so true! -------- Really? Oh wow! Of course I'd love to but I'd have to check with my Mom first. -------- Even cooler, thank you! -------- Yes I will and thanks. I really appreciate it. ------- Okay and yourself. Do you need to speak with Andy again? -------- No problem, I'll pass it on. Bye."
"Well I'll be damned! I get to stay over again, well that is if you want me to?"
"Want you to? I've been dreading you leaving you dickhead!"
"Oh fantastic! Your Mom covered it with mine but just out of politeness I better give her a shout. I'll go get my phone."
"No need. Use mine if you like. This is just too good to be happening!"
"Yeah! Who said there isn't a God up there and what's more, he's playing right into our hands for once! Love you God!!"
"Yeah hi Mom. How's stuff? -------- Yeah I just got off from talking to her. -------- No it's all good, honestly. We had a ball yesterday and before you go asking? I was the epitome of good manners and decorum! -------- Ha-ha! Do you want to tell him that or shall I? -------- No. Thanks Mom. Love you too. Bye."
"Tell me what?"
"Oh that! She said there was a first time for everything, you know, my behaviour an-all! Cheeky bitch!!"
"Couldn't fault it! Oh shit. That other number that called. Pass me my phone please?"
I dialled the caller's number but when it was answered I didn't recognise the voice straight away.
"Oh hi. I missed a call from you? ------- Oh right! Sorry Simon! -------- Yep I'll hold. -------- Hi sis. How's you? -------- Yes I had one as well. -------- Oh that's so good to hear and no, we'll be fine on our own I promise. ------- Yeah right! Just remember that if you get back early again, avert your gaze okay? ------- Ha-ha! Well you've seen everything now so no big surprise in store!! -------- You know that wouldn't do you any good! -------- Yes I know he is. -------- And you Jo. Love you, bye."
I put the phone down and tried unsuccessfully to wipe the smile from my face.
"Wassup Andy? You look like the cat who got the cream?"
"I could get to like God too if he keeps acting this way! Jo and Simon have made up. She got a call from my Mum as well so she wants to stay over at his place tonight and was I okay with it. I said no of course! Then she said something like she didn't expect to get back as early as this morning then I said but if she did, to avert her eyes, not that it mattered much as she'd seen me in the buff already so nothing new on the shelf. Then she said 'oh yes there was. She hadn't seen you naked yet and if the rest of you was as delicious as what she'd already seen, you'd be pretty much perfect. I said it wouldn't do her any good to which she replied that she knew that already but were you? Perfect I mean so I told her 'yes you were'. I know!! I've just made the hole considerably deeper but what the hell!"
"You sure have done that! God Andy? You've just pretty much 'outed' yourself to your damn sister man?"
"And I think you're wonderful. Now before I get all emotionally fucked up, I'm going to cook for you tonight so I need to see what's in the pantry. Lead the way!"
True to his word, Lucas provided a really good supper, something he reckoned was based on a Korean dish he's rustled up at home that happened to go down well but I must say, it was very hot and spicy!
I elected to leave the clearing up until the morning but Lucas was adamant, he'd finished what he'd started and banished me to the terrace, bottle of plonk in hand.
God, this was like being married! I just hoped we wouldn't get to the argument bit too quickly but hang on? We're not married! Oh whatever, life was really nice for once, I was happy and surprisingly, without any sense of guilt or unease about my feelings.
Yeah okay. – Content!
Eventually he joined me.
"Washing up I can do but damn it? Where to put away everything in a strange kitchen is hard work! Can I have some of that vino please? I'm bushed!"
"Yes. What with one thing and another, it's been a tiring day and I won't be the last to bed."
"How you holding up Andy? I mean I know it's been difficult for you an-all, with so much to think about and stuff? I am concerned ya-know?"
"Yes I know you are. Things are beginning to slot into position, take shape and I'm not so frightened anymore. I'm still unsure about whether or not I'm gay? I just know that my life has changed and by the way, what I said to Jo was right from the heart, I didn't rehears it, it just got spat out. Perhaps that was the truth coming to the forefront, I just don't know."
"I guess somehow it was easier for me to deal with at least to begin with, I didn't have any preconceived ideas as to what were 'normal' feelings, it was only later, I mean once I knew how I was that the trouble started."
"But you feel normal feelings. It's just that they're…….not what you might call, I don't know, mainstream? What on earth difference does it make anyway? We are what we are."
"We? Are you sure?"
"Not yet. I need time but those steps? I've taken step four in saying what I did to Jo. I'm not beating myself up over it either, I'm happy that's out of the way though."
The remainder of the evening was blissful. We sort of sat close on the swing seat talking about everything and nothing and although I'd only known Lucas for less than a week, it honestly seemed as if I'd known him all my life. I felt comfortable around him, conversation wasn't stilted, it flowed but the thing that did still bother me was every time I looked at him, my stomach lurched and I had this overwhelming urge to pull him into a cuddle but I didn't, it was as if I'd break him, damage him in some way.
It was gone ten when we decided to head upstairs, take a shower and think about going to bed. Lucas showered first while I did the last of the tidying up down stairs before taking my turn under the shower. Tonight I wasn't nervous, that had been replaced by a sense of excitement. I somehow knew that tonight was going to be a turning point in my life and I don't mean having sex together but there wouldn't be the awkward standoff of the night before, we'd feel more confident in sharing cuddles, I hoped he'd kiss me again and if he didn't, then well I could take the lead and kiss him. Another small step in my journey that might end up God knows where.
Lucas was already in bed by the time I'd finished cleaning my teeth but tonight instead of squashed into a corner, he was lying flat on his back with the duvet pulled up around his waist. I finished drying my hair and climbed in beside him. I turned to face him.
"Umm. Only one thing could make it better and I'm not talking about sex, well not as such but……..I wish…......I wish that bastard hadn't gone and spoilt everything?"
"Are you talking about your pastor here?"
"Yeah that asshole. He's ruined everything."
"In what way ruined everything Lucas? Tell me?"
His face flushed and I could see him fighting to keep himself from crying.
"He….he took my innocence away. I mean if anything were ever to happen between us, I'd have wanted you to be my first but it can't happen now, can it? I'm damaged goods, soiled and dirty." And with that he couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
I turned him so he was facing me and dragged him into a hug so we were touching from head to toe. I allowed him to calm down before I made my move. I kissed away his tears then finally kissed him on the lips, tenderly at first then probing his lips with my tongue, he let me gain access, our lips glued together as our tongues danced a dance of love.
Eventually we broke off giving me a chance to speak.
"Damaged goods be damned. Soiled and dirty you are not! You are the single most beautiful human being God ever breathed life into and when something happens between us as I'm sure it will, it'll still be your first time. It'll be the first time with somebody that truly loves you, wants you for all the right reasons. Yes, making love for the sake of love not dirty and disgusting like that pervert but beautiful and all-consuming."
Looking into his eyes, I thought he was going to cry again but no, instead he pulled me close as we kissed again, this time a deep and tender kiss of lovers.
It didn't stop there. Lucas was in flames. He shoved his groin into mine and I could feel his hardness pushing onto my pelvic bone. It was almost as if he was delirious, humping me and crying out as if in another world then………….he went completely rigid and I could feel his dick pulsing furiously against me but after a minute or so, he relaxed his grip on me, burying his head in my chest.
"I'm so sorry Andy. I couldn't help myself! Don't please, don't hate me? I haven't cum since I first laid eyes on you, I couldn't, I wanted you so much it felt like I'd be cheating on you!"
"Lucas? Do I look like I'm upset? You were my wank fantasy, remember? It's alright and actually? I'm honoured!"
"Thank God! I just couldn't stop myself is all.
Do you reckon I'll ever be your jack-off fantasy ever again?"
"HA! Does the Pope pray? Do bear's shit in the woods? Are grits groceries? Eggs poultry or is Mona Lisa a man? Answer those correctly and you come up with………Yes, yes, yes, yes and no! I need you to do it for me. You will be in my sight all the while, not as my fantasy but in real time, - not right now, when I'm ready."
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