Where Do I Fit In?
by Andrew Foote
Throughout this story real organisations and real people are mentioned by name. Their place in the tale is in the author's imagination. No thoughts, words or deeds attributed to those people or organisations are real, nor have they ever happened. This is a story! It's fiction. The people and organisations, even when they interact with the characters, are presented in an entirely imagined and fictitious manner, and no discourtesy is intended to them by the author nor by the web site.
Lucas won! Well he was always going to as I was more interested in checking out his bum and that's not possible if you occupy pole position.
Gone my fears about my feelings towards him, these had been temporarily replaced by the exciting prospect of the sleep over and what might occur. No, I'm not going to say thoughts of a sexual nature hadn't filtered through my mind because they had but this was a turning point in my life and somehow I was going to have to face the prospect of being gay or at the very least, bisexual. Ah come on? I'm hardly straight am I? Here I am, scoping another lad's arse and it's still possible for me to be straight? I think not! I've lots of questions that need answering but for now? I'm enjoying the view! Time enough to be grown-up!
"Oh man I'm out of condition! That last hill was a bitch! Look at me, I'm saturated with sweat. I'll smell like a polecat later."
"Really? What do polecats smell like?"
"You don't wanna know! I think you call them skunks here, they're bad-ass smelling man!"
"Okay. You go up to my room, third door on the left and pull some shorts out of the second drawer down, we're about the same size. Get out of your sweaty kit, toss everything over the bannisters, including socks and trainers and I'll stick them in the machine."
"What? You launder shoes too?"
"Yep! No point in washing socks and feet if you're going to step into shitty shoes? Get a life Lucas? Talking of clean? Take a shower if you want. There's one directly opposite my room. See you down here once you're done, there should be a couple of clean towels out already, okay?"
A series of thuds on the hall floor indicated that Lucas was getting cleaned up so I collected his stuff and put them in the washer. The thought crossed my mind to ask him if he needed me to wash his back but somehow I knew that would be the thin end of the wedge and so I stayed put in the kitchen, I wanted to see him in the buff but I didn't want to get involved in that sort of thing whatever 'that sort of thing' was, I was far too attracted to him as things stood, the mental image of him in my shower was bad enough as my poor dick was struggling for freedom and a bit of attention but then Lucas reappeared looking slightly more refreshed.
"Man, I needed that shower! I'm just not used to the humidity over here. Nice bathroom by the way. Are you the only one who uses it?"
"Normally I am. My room used to be part of what we call a Granny flat until Dad had it knocked through. All the other bedrooms are on the other side of the house and when Jo went off to university she agreed to swap with me so when she's home she uses Mum and Dads. The washing will be a while, do you want to borrow a tee or something?"
"Umm, I can't go anyplace without shoes so a tee seems a bit unnecessary!"
"Whoops! I never thought about that! What size shoe do you take? Maybe mine will fit you?"
"I only know my US size. Here, put your foot next to mine, we can't be too far off the same can we?"
Actually we were pretty much identical so a search through my wardrobe unearthed a very respectable pair of DG's.
"Andy? These are the very best! I can't wear your best trainers?"
"Piss off! Here's some socks to go with them. Just be thankful they're not Batman socks!"
"Batman?? You've got Batman socks??"
"Nope! Just kidding. Superman maybe but not Batman! Kidding again. So what do you want to do?"
"Explore the area again. Are there any fishing holes around here?"
"There's a pond up in the woods but what fish are in it, I've no idea. I'm not into fishing much, that's my father's thing."
"Funny that. It's not my thing either but they're normally good places to chill out ya-know? Peaceful, quiet. Can we go there?"
A fifteen minute bike ride later and we found ourselves battling our way through the undergrowth finally reaching the pond. That description doesn't really do it justice, a small lake more like and fed as it was by a subterranean spring, it wasn't all covered in slime and filth. Where the water ended up was always something that fascinated me. A spring feeds it but where the hell does the overflow go? Like I really cared!
Lucas loved the place!
"Oh my God Andy! This is too good for words! Someone has even flattened the grass so there's someplace good to sit."
"That was me. I call it my place. I come here to relax and think. Sometimes other kids get here for fishing but I've never seen them catch anything. Dad thinks that the feeder spring is too rich in minerals for fish to survive but there's zillions of frogs and newts at spawning time so it can't be like poisonous or anything. I love it here but I don't want you to feel we have to stay, I mean I don't want you to get bored or anything."
"Bored? With you around? You are having a laugh aren't you? Hey Andy?.................Forget it. I like it here and I can understand where you're coming from about the relaxing thing. That's the big problem with America. Nowhere's private except your own back yard and sometimes that's debateable. Considering it's possible to fit England two and a half times over just into the State of Texas alone, here's more personal and private somehow which is weird when you think about it. Changing subjects? Can you swim in this pond?"
"Yes but the water's very cold! It's also much deeper than it looks. It's so crystal clear what appears to be about two foot deep is more like six foot deep and the cold can give you cramps and stuff so I wouldn't go in, too risky."
"I'll go with local knowledge then! The view here's very tempting though!"
Lucas was looking directly at me. I blushed!
"Down boy. I'm going to have to talk to you later, you know, about stuff but let's just chill for a bit."
We must both of us dropped off to sleep as the next thing I was conscious of were the voices of a couple of kids.
"Sorry Andy. We just wanted to fish. Didn't mean to wake you or your friend."
"It's okay. We should be heading home anyway. Have you ever caught anything here?"
"Nah, no fish but there's terrapins and crayfish."
"Well that explains why there are no fish! Predators have had all of them. Oh well! Have fun boys!"
By this time Lucas was fully awake.
"Do all the kids around here know you? Sounded to me like you know everyone in the neighbourhood!"
"Oh them? Yes I know them. Julian and Paul Samson. Nice lads if a touch gobby at times but okay. Julian is a laugh and a half. I really warm to him. Paul is the quiet one, the thinker rather than the doer. You'll get to know all the kids round here, it isn't like it's a big area. You hungry 'cos I am."
We cycled back to my house, garaged the bikes and went inside, the first task to check on the washing and hang it out on the line to dry.
For the remainder of the day and most of the evening we just sat around watching rubbish TV then listened to music up in my bedroom. It turned out we had similar tastes in that department, rock and blues mostly, the latter Lucas would listen to intently, almost lost in his own world and at the end of one particular track he gave a big sigh.
"What's the matter? Are you bored?"
"I'm sorry, no I'm definitely not bored it's just………just that music kinda resonates with me, speaks to me or something. That last song, 'You can't always get what you want', damn don't I know it although in my case that should read 'You can't ever get what you want'!"
"I don't understand."
"Leave it Andy. You don't want to hear, it's too depressing."
"Sorry but I don't want to leave it. You've got to tell me what's upsetting you. I need to understand everything about you, good or bad. Remember what you said the other night on the phone? Friends shouldn't keep secrets from each other and what gets said between us stays between us, that's the way I want us to be so please open up to me?"
"I know what I said but when it comes down to the wire, it aint so easy done. I don't wanna go upsetting you Andy."
"Look. The not understanding is upsetting enough. I mean, how bad can it be?"
"I'll do a trade with you. You sounded pretty desperate the other night so if I tell you what's eating at me, you've gotta promise me that you'll open up to me in return. Sound reasonable?"
"I suppose so but it isn't easy."
"See? That's what I mean! Do we have a deal?"
I proffered my hand.
"Shake on it. Let's trade our fears and concerns."
Lucas took my hand but instead of shaking it, he just held it for slightly longer than necessary all the while looking into my eyes.
"No going back now buddy. A deal's a deal but first I just gotta play that song again, kinda get me in the right mind-set you might say."
He stood up and turned the main light off leaving the room lit only by a table lamp and as if reading my thoughts said, "Just in case I get real emotional. I don't want you to see me cry."
We listened to the track again but this time, instead of absent-mindedly listening, I concentrated on the lyrics and for the first time I understood its message. I was going to say it was one of desperation but that's not right. It was more like……..like quiet acceptance of the inevitable and it brought a lump to my throat.
Lucas sat quietly just staring at his feet then gave me a sheepish smile before he began to speak.
"Ya-see Andy it all kicked off around two years back. I was like ten years old and had never really fitted in alongside my peers, I was different and I knew it. I guess we were too young to be like interested in girls although not so young as not to be curious but I wasn't even that. All of my friends were sniffing around playing at getting to know what made these weird and wonderful creatures tick but not me, I was much more interested in looking at boys and imagining what they looked like naked and stuff. Nah, girls held no fascination for me whatsoever. Well of course that set me apart although nobody gave me a hard time, I just wasn't included is all.
I remember it was just short of my eleventh birthday when I decided to look up stuff on the internet, you know, about boys who liked other boys and stuff and it was like Oh my God! I'm gay! I didn't freak out or anything, actually I was pleased I wasn't alone in feeling the way I did but it didn't stop me from feeling guilty. Maybe I hit on the wrong site, who knows but it banged on about how it wasn't acceptable in most areas of society, how many though it was a sin against God and it was better to seek forgiveness rather than face an eternity of hell and damnation, Bible belt mentality strikes again so that was when I decided to seek the advice of our pastor. The rest you know"
"Oh God I'm so sorry Lucas! I really don't know what to say!"
"Don't be sorry man. I'm not, I'm okay about what I am, I just need to convince others that I'm not a freak or a weirdo, just a normal boy whose XY chromosomes got into a mess on conception."
"What do you mean?"
"On conception we're all the same sex, female and it's only after a very short time later that our X and Y chromosomes split, one becoming dominant, I can't remember which is which or for what gender but if the split doesn't go according to plan, some guys find that they prefer other guys, some girls find they prefer other girls, some feel that they're trapped in the wrong body and go for gender reassignment. Some guys and some girls like to cross-dress, mostly this isn't a sexual thing, it just makes them feel good about themselves. Maybe you've heard it said that all guys have feminine side to their nature. This is because right at the beginning we were all female and so they recon that a part of this always manifests itself in some way shape or form. It's just the way of things and there's nothing we can do about it."
"But that song. Where does that come into play?"
"That's easy. Ya-see we all of us need love. I need it, you need it but finding that special person as a gay boy is a bitch. Let me put it this way. Have you ever had a dream where you're running for a bus but no matter how fast you run, that damn bus is always just out of reach. When it stops, you stop, when it pulls off, you start running again but you never can catch it. I'll put it another way. You're walking across a desert. You're all out of water but then you see an oasis, everything you need for life is there so you run towards it but it vanishes into the sand. You're all alone again, dying inside. It was just a cruel mirage. I can't ever catch that bus, all my hopes and dreams just turn into a mirage. I can't ever have what I so desperately want!"
Lucas was now crying uncontrollably so I put my arms around him pulling him in close.
"What is it you so desperately want?" I whispered.
"Don't make me go there Andy, please?"
"Come on? You've been so brave up 'til now, finish what you've started Lucas. Seeing you so upset is killing me!"
"This'll kill you worse I promise you."
"Being killed is being killed in my book. Try me?"
"Don't hate me if I tell you, you promise?"
"I promise. I could never hate you."
"I almost told you before. That dream. That sweet but impossible dream. I want……..you Andy. I'm hopelessly in love with you! I can't have you, you're straight and I'm gay. You're that fucking bus, that mirage. Oh GOD!!"
I continued to cuddle my best friend until he finally calmed down then once I was satisfied he was okay, I kissed his cheek and then spoke.
"First off, if someone hates you, do you honestly think they'd cuddle you for what, like fifteen minutes? I don't think so but it's my turn now, stuff I want you to understand. You might even like what I have to say, okay so far?"
"Okay so far."
"Good. Yes I was all fucked up the other night, nothing you'd done but something Jo said triggered something inside me, something that scared me.
You remember talking to her the other afternoon? Well she said you were really cute and wondered if you were available. I know now she was just being nice but at the time it frightened me, just the thought that you'd maybe find a girl and shove me to one side really hurt. The next morning I could see how stupid that was but then, just as I was feeling okay about stuff, away I went again but this time the scenario changed, it was another boy who grabbed your attention, taking you away from me. Lucas I cried like a baby. What's that supposed to mean? Now I don't know if I'm gay or even bi but I do know this. I do love you but I can't say right now if I'm actually in love with you. Can you see the differences?"
"Yes. I can see that."
"Look. I'm not making any promises, I can't commit to anything, I just don't know where this is going right now but this I do know. I felt jealousy, anger, I felt so terribly upset now if that isn't love then I've no idea what is. I feel weird inside when I see you, you were even my wank fantasy the other night. Christ I'm so confused! I need you to promise me something. If it turns out I'm straight, I'll not hold you back. Go and find that guy of your dreams but I need you to understand that I'll always be your best friend and I want me to be yours. Can you do that for me?"
"No hesitation there. You know that for a fact but here's the problem. I've already found the boy of my dreams and he's you. No way can I deny my feelings towards you. It isn't like all I want to do is carry you off to bed, it's so much more than that Andy."
"That's a really nice thing to know but I'm not about vague promises. Let's see how things play out, you know, like one step at a time."
"I can live with that. No pressure I promise but what you've just said gives me something to cling onto, hope.
Listen. This has all been a touch heavyweight, have you got any booze in the house?"
"Beer, wine. You fancy a drink then?"
"Well if your folks wouldn't mind then yeah. Sorta calm me down!"
"They're cool with me having the occasional glass or two. They taught both Jo and I responsible drinking knowing full well we'd go out with our mates and thought it best we knew how to behave."
"C'mon then. Let's go down stairs and chill for a while, maybe sit out in the garden."
For the next couple of hours we sat out on the terrace and between us put to rest a bottle of red wine being careful not to pick one of my father's expensive one's, that would be a cardinal sin in our house.
It was nice to have all our thoughts and fears out in the open, we were now much better able to be ourselves, not having to mind our words in case we said something inappropriate.
We sat close, it was a wonderful feeling knowing that we were both comfortable with that level of contact which suddenly made me think about sleeping arrangements. I could possibly look out our old camp bed but it would be far easier to share my double but how would Lucas feel about it. I decided to ask him, afterall we'd shared so much over the last few hours, this was nothing by comparison.
"Hey. I've been thinking about, you know, sleeping arrangements. Would you be okay if we doubled up?"
Lucas looked at me quizzically.
"Do you trust me? I mean sharing your bed with a boy who is openly gay but not only that, had admitted he fancies the pants off you and is madly in love with you?"
"Yeah but you also said it was much more than that so I trust you already!"
"Well just so long as you're sure, I guess it would be okay."
"Don't sound so happy about it?"
"Sorry but it'll be hard to keep my hands off you."
"Cuddling is fine in fact, more than fine but tinkering with me? I'm not ready for that yet. Does that help?"
"Yeah! Bunches! Whoo-hoo! I get to cuddle the boy of my dreams!"
"That's more like what I wanted to hear. Don't ever hang back. You need a hug, you take one!"
It was weird. We both knew we were ready for bed but neither of had the courage to make the first move but as the host I thought it was really something I should do.
"Look, I'm going on up to take a shower, you come up as and when you're ready but could you close the patio doors on your way in?"
"Yeah no problem. I'll give you time to clear the bathroom then I'll be up. Is it okay if I take another shower?"
"Whatever you need, just help yourself. I won't be many minutes."
I showered thoroughly using my secret stash of shower gel which made me smell of chocolate, something I knew Lucas had a passion for. Stupid really because he was already hyped up enough thinking about sharing my bed and here's me adding fuel to his already well-alight fire. I'm such an idiot sometimes. I knew he wanted me, wanted to have sex with me even but I wasn't ready for that. I cursed myself for being so heartless and thought about showering again but this time with something rather less provocative but it was too late as I could hear him climbing the stairs. Oh shit. If he does get carried away then I'll have no one else to blame but me. Just brazen it out! I wrapped a towel around my waste and wandered into the bedroom Lucas was sitting on the bed staring at the wallpaper.
"What's up with you?"
"Nothin'! I just don't wanna look is all!!"
"Well you might as well get it over with. I mean you'll see less of me at the moment than you did at the pool."
He looked at me and burst out laughing.
"Do you know? I never thought about that! Ah shit! I better go and get showered myself! God I'm such a dork sometimes!"
It wasn't long before he reappeared, like me with a towel around his waist but he still looked fantastic, sexy even and I briefly wondered if this was another sign of my latent sexuality but Lucas snapped me back to reality.
"Look, I've been thinking. What do you normally wear in bed?"
"Umm……..nothing and especially in the summer but I'll grab a pair of undies if you like?"
"Well here it is, I don't wear anything either so what do we do?"
"How about we act all grown up about this. We're the same and what difference is a bit of cloth going to make anyway so on the count of three, we drop the towels and head for bed. One….two…..three!"
We just stood there staring at each other, from where I was standing Lucas was even more beautiful than I remembered, for his part he just shook his head and groaned out loud "Oh man this is just too much!" and climbed into bed, me not far behind him. I turned out the light and pulled the duvet over us conscious that Lucas was squashed over right on the other side of the bed.
"You won't get a good night's sleep like that. Relax and stretch out for goodness sake!"
"But I'll probably end up touching you."
"And I made a promise to you, that's what!"
"I think I said cuddles were okay, so?"
"But Andy I………"
"I know. Don't worry. Let me put it this way. Please will you give me a cuddle Lucas?"
He turned over and shuffled over so his chest touched my back but that was it. I had to stifle a giggle! He was far more nervous than me so feeling a little frustrated, I reached behind and putting my hand on the centre of his back, pulled him into me.
"For God's sake Lucas? Do it like you mean it why not? For a boy who says he's in love with me, you have a really odd way of demonstrating it!"
"But I…….I……Oh my God Andy! Damn you feel so very good! It's making me……….."
"So I can tell unless that's a telegraph pole halfway up my spine! Relax!!"
Lucas giggled! "No telegraph pole that! It was always going to happen, I mean sleeping naked with the boy I love? Oh God, oh God."
"Wanna know something?"
"No harm in telling you I suppose but I've got a similar problem in the same area so you're not alone!"
"Really? But I thought that………"
"So did I. Let's not try to analyse it, just go with it. This is the second small step we've taken together today and who knows, there might be many more to come in the future. The first step being admitting our feelings toward each other now this. It's beautiful and I can't ever see myself tiring of it. I do love you, you know?" but I was too late. Lucas was asleep.
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