What The Hell?

by Andrew Foote

Chapter 1

Oh fuck it! How do I do this! I need to give it a go but how?

I could talk to Samantha……..yeah fucking right I will! Silly cow will be asking why I wanna know and there's no pissing chance I'm going to tell my poxxy sister stuff like that is there? She'd start off with something really limp like 'Dear Diary' or some such shit. Fucking wanker!

Hey? That's a question they never covered in Sex-Ed? Can girls like……..wank?

I know I can! I've known how to do it for years and years……..well since I was about ten actually.

Oh shit. Then we have today. It's no good……..I've really got to do this.

If I ask you nicely computer? Will you fire up without me having to kick the crap out of you first?

Oh you sweet thing! You're a babe just like……..oh bollocks.

Let's see……..Microsoft Word……..New Document……..Why can't Mum and Dad by me something approaching decent rather than leaving me with this pile of junk that requires me to light a wick under the fucking thing before it will boot?

Monday November 9th 2009.

'Dear Diary……..'

NOOO!! SAM? I FORGIVE YOU!!! Alright, perhaps you get a stay of execution if I can pull this off okay?

'My name is Jack……..any reference to lives in a bottle and the label's black will be met with a seriously broken nose.

I'm thirteen, not thirteen and a bit cos I was only thirteen two weeks ago which is probably a bit so I'm actually thirteen and a little bit. Satisfied are you?

Anyhow, I'm a seriously nice person according to me. My Dad sometimes calls me a pillock when I muck something up but like I'm bothered!

I'm really good looking or rather that's what I tell myself as I look in the mirror every morning feeling like shit through lack of sleep cos this heap of crap they call a laptop don't work properly and I have to spend half my beauty sleep time gently persuading it to offer up some kind of service.

Actually I'm just your average, normal kid really. I've never aspired……..hey! Nice word Jack? Where did that come from! Aspired to be much else. Get through the day, see if I can pull some bird or other, normally, no wrong. Never without any success.

Who was that twatt who said all the fun was in the chase? Not in my book it isn't! Getting laid is what I always believed was the fun bit! Hells teeth I'm thirteen already and never come close to scoring! I don't believe in God anymore cos he would've pointed me in the direction of some available pussy if he'd ever listened to my prayers.

Anyway. What's all this about the Immaculate Conception rubbish?

As I understand it, Mary, you know the one, donkey, stable, cradle and what have you, got banged up and never felt a thing?? Oh please?

Now that can't have been much to write home about can it?

"Hey Mum, hey Dad? Guess what! I got knocked up and never felt a damn thing!........ No I wasn't stoned, how can you possibly think such a thing! It was God. He must've bonked me when my mind was on something else……..oh and one other thing. It's going to be a boy and he'll end up doing okay as he will be the saviour of all mankind! Good news or what!!........No I told you, I've been off crack for two whole weeks!

Yeah right! Personally I reckon this bloke Joseph has some serious questions to answer……..lucky bastard!!

I guess there's something out there though. I'm just a stroppy kid but even I realise, kind of when I look up at the stars, all of this wasn't some sort of fucking accident?

Like today……..

Oh shit I really don't want to do this.

I'm in love.

I'm seriously in love.

Oh for fuck's sake…….. I'M IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER BOY!!

I don't need this shit……..I seriously DO NOT NEED IT!! I want today never to have happened and then? I want to live it all over again.

Okay. I'll give you one last chance, okay?

"Please God? I need some fucking help here you twatt?

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