Strong Enough
by Nico Grey
IX
When Caleb woke in the morning, his body was warm and felt completely relaxed, but his mind was unsettled.
It was still dark in his room, but the darkness wasn't oppressive. It hinted at a sun somewhere well below the horizon and just starting to strain skyward. The room was quiet, but he could hear the faint sounds of life stirring somewhere outside the house.
He tried to organize his thoughts. He had a rather clear memory of being kissed. It had been a surprise, but pleasant. It felt like a barrier had been removed, bringing him closer to connecting again with people in a meaningful way. He was pretty certain that it had just happened recently.
There were other memories associated with that kiss. A feeling of surprise. And some mild disappointment that it hadn't gone farther. Then it had.
Golden hair falling into his eyes. Warm breath on his face. Trembling lips pressing hesitantly against his own.
Caleb remembered that connection feeling like a gentle electrical current stirring against his lips, then the intensity increased as he committed to it. He recalled a simple sharing of intimacy, then tender exploration as he sampled the texture and the taste of those lips against his. Somewhere in his memory, a subtle flavor of mint lingered.
His mind grappled with memories, trying to make sense of them, trying to separate fantasy from reality. As he gradually became more alert, he had a clear memory. Tyler! And Tyler gently pressing lips against his cheek. That, he was pretty sure, was real.
The light in the room continued to increase gradually. Something was wrong. Caleb realized that the soft illumination was coming from the wrong direction. The shape of the room was wrong. The scent in his nostrils wasn't quite right.
It wasn't his room.
Caleb was still relaxed enough not to panic. But he was concerned. It wasn't his room. He wasn't lying in his own bed. And that comfortable warmth he felt in his chest. . . That was Tyler! He was lying in Tyler's bed, with his arms wrapped around Tyler!
Caleb was suddenly alert. Memories flooded his mind. Tyler's sixteenth birthday. A sleepover. Then Tyler's kiss on his cheek after he lay down in the bed. He could recall everything clearly.
What Caleb couldn't recall clearly was mouth-on-mouth kissing or how Tyler came to be in his arms. He hoped that the kissing had just been an erotic dream. But that was clearly Tyler that he held wrapped in his arms. And Caleb couldn't remember how he had gone from a gentle goodnight kiss on the cheek to a half-naked boy held securely in his arms. He just hoped that there was some reasonable explanation.
It began as a small kernel of unease. Caleb couldn't connect all of his memories with the physical evidence confronting him in the morning twilight. The unease grew as his mind considered possible explanations. He started to panic. He prayed that he hadn't done anything inappropriate.
Caleb's senses informed him that both he and Tyler were naked from the waist up. But that was consistent with his recollection. He was pretty sure they had both stripped down, him to his boxers and Tyler to boxer briefs, before climbing into bed. He tried subtle adjustments of his lower body to see if that might reveal more naked flesh than his recollections could explain.
He knew that he was physically attracted to Tyler. But he had never done anything sexual before. He hoped that basic inhibition would have prevented him from trying to take advantage of their circumstances.
Part of him wanted to look under the comforter, just for reassurance. Another part of him was certain that would be too great an intrusion on Tyler's privacy. Unsure of what to do, Caleb just lay back in bed and prayed that his worst fears wouldn't be realized.
Caleb was wakened again by a gentle stirring in his arms. He opened his eyes and noticed immediately that there was just enough light in the room to make out shapes and muted colors. From less than twelve inches away, a pair of warm hazel eyes were peering intently into his own eyes.
Caleb began to panic. He prayed that the next few minutes wouldn't reveal that he had done anything shameful.
"Good morning?" he tried. He hoped that it was.
"Good morning," Tyler greeted him cheerfully. He was apparently more of a morning person than Caleb.
"Um, about last night. . ." Caleb went fishing for clues.
"I slept great," Tyler assured him. He settled back comfortably into Caleb's arms.
"Me, too," Caleb said. "I think it was your kiss on my cheek." He tried to keep his tone light.
"That was nice," Tyler agreed. "But the next one was nicer."
A-ha! A clue! Caleb thought Tyler's description of it was encouraging, too.
"Yeah," Caleb thought it made sense to go with the flow. "Uh, about that. . ."
"You don't really remember it, do you?" Tyler's tone was teasing. But he was watching Caleb closely. "I think you fell asleep in the middle of it."
"Maybe," Caleb decided. "I think I remember what happened. I just wasn't sure it was real."
Tyler smiled. "It was real."
The next question made Caleb anxious.
"I, uh, didn't try to stick my tongue down your throat, did I?"
"No." Tyler seemed certain of that. "Do you remember doing that?"
"No!" Caleb definitely didn't want Tyler to think that! "But it's all hazy in my mind right now. And I was kissing someone. . . someone I really like," he blushed. "I just wanted to be sure that I controlled myself."
"You did," Tyler smiled softly at the memory. "I was completely safe with you. Although I thought about doing that to you," he admitted with an impish grin. "It just didn't seem right for a first kiss."
He snuggled deeper into Caleb's arms.
"I'm really not sure about this gay thing," he explained. "I'm almost certain that I'm attracted to girls. But I also like whatever it is that we have. I feel safe with you. And you make me feel good about myself."
Reflexively, Caleb began stroking Tyler's back gently.
"Since yesterday, I've been thinking about Eric and his friend," Tyler said. "You know, the kids that we saw skiing? Something about seeing what they had together made me feel so good. I wanted to understand better. I think I get it now."
Caleb caught himself before kissing the top of Tyler's head. But he kept stroking his back.
"You know I like you," he said.
"I know," Tyler giggled. "I can feel you poking me in the leg."
And that drove what remained of that conversational gambit out of Caleb's head! Tyler struggled to prevent Caleb from shooting straight upright in bed.
"It's okay. Really, it is," he promised. "We're guys. We get excited. But I know that I'm safe with you. And really. It's doesn't bother me at all."
For a moment, Caleb thought that Tyler was about to say more.
"Just tell me that you don't feel skin," Caleb cringed.
"Cloth," Tyler insisted. "But I could check it out if you need to be certain." He was wearing the impish grin again.
"That's okay." Caleb was just happy to have that potential embarrassment behind him. He reflected a moment and saw an opportunity to assure Tyler that he was in control. "But you can, if you ever want to. I feel safe with you, too."
Caleb was gratified to feel Tyler bury himself even deeper into his arms.
Both boys woke with a start when Tyler's alarm went off. Caleb glanced around in confusion. Early morning sunlight filled the room.
"Uh. . .?"
Tyler watched Caleb with undisguised amusement.
"We kissed last night. No tongue. It was nice. We slept together. You stabbed me in the leg this morning. But I was safe. Thank you." Then he burst out laughing.
Caleb blushed deeply. But his mind cleared rapidly.
"I remember it now. Most of it," he rolled his eyes. "You know I promised you that I'd never pressure you to do anything. . . any of that kind of stuff," the right words weren't coming easily. "So I was just wondering if kissing again was something that you wanted to do."
Tyler met his eyes seriously.
"I do. Not all the time. But on a special occasion I think it would really feel nice."
"Is this morning a special occasion?" Caleb wondered anxiously.
Tyler pretended to ponder.
"It could be," he sounded uncertain. But his smile betrayed him.
Caleb thought it was even better than his memory of their kiss before bed. But it left him with a huge problem. Caleb was afraid that he was really starting to fall in love.
As Tyler had promised the previous evening, they were out the door and on their skis early. They had places to go! He took advantage of starting the day from his house to give Caleb a tour of ski trails around Antioch.
Unlike when they were skiing in Judah, they ran into a number of snowmobile trails north of town. The terrain was flat and quite skiable. Tyler set a steady pace that Caleb was pleased to find he could match without difficulty.
By mid-morning, Caleb was surprised to learn that they had reached Canterbury, another of the small towns in the Silver River Union School District. Even more surprising, they had only crossed three roads to get there. It was a reminder to Caleb that he really had entered the wilderness when he and his mother moved from Keene.
They skied hard to return to Tyler's home for a late lunch. Grace had prepared a meal for them and left a note reminding Tyler that if there weren't any pastries left over from breakfast, the cheesecake from dinner the night before was still in the refrigerator.
While they ate, Tyler apologized for taking up the full morning with skiing. He had wanted Caleb to put in a challenging day on skis, with a return to school coming on Monday and skiing opportunities limited mostly to weekends for the next seven weeks. But he did regret that he and Caleb wouldn't have a chance to work on martial arts.
"Tomorrow?" Caleb suggested.
"Definitely. I'll be at your house before nine," Tyler proposed. "I just hope your mom won't mind us banging around in your living room."
"She usually goes shopping on Saturday," Caleb assured him.
Nicole was waiting when Caleb and Tyler arrived at the Bradford house later that afternoon. Caleb was surprised to find her home from work so early.
"It's the day after New Year," she explained. "We didn't have much to do, so most of us left early."
Caleb and Tyler were both disappointed and delighted by the remainder of her news.
"I'd like you to help me out with the shopping tomorrow morning," she told Caleb. "We need to restock the house, pick up some sand and salt for the driveway at the hardware store, and I'm planning a big grocery shopping. I need a strong back to help carry the load."
She ignored Caleb's groans and the disappointed expression that Tyler was struggling to conceal.
"In exchange, and only if you guys want," she kept them in suspense, "I've talked to your mother about having you spend the night here tomorrow, Tyler. She put up with Caleb last night. Returning the favor is the least I can do for her.
"Besides," she smirked at Caleb, "I think I'm getting the best of the exchange."
"Way to build up my ego, Mom," Caleb feigned devastation. "You know how emotionally fragile I am!"
She feigned indifference back at him.
"Anyway, if you're that worried about your fragile emotions, maybe I could schedule a counseling session for you tomorrow night instead of inviting Tyler."
"No. No," Caleb decided. "I'm learning to live with your insensitivity. I guess I can tough it out for a while longer."
Tyler watched them with amusement. The dynamic between him and his own mother was different. But he was learning to appreciate the way that Nicole and Caleb expressed their affection for each other.
Caleb was disappointed that he and Tyler weren't able to spend Saturday morning together. He and his mother kept busy in Brattleboro restocking their home and larder for the winter weeks ahead.
As it turned out, from Caleb's perspective it wasn't a complete waste of his valuable time. In addition to the scheduled stops on their shopping tour, he was also able to visit an arts and crafts store, a photography store, and a clothing store. Caleb was pleased that he had thought to bring some of his Christmas cash with him.
Tyler was already waiting at the Bradford home when Nicole and Caleb returned around lunch time. He helped Caleb unload their car and put supplies and groceries away. Then, taking barely enough time to wolf down sandwiches that Nicole prepared, the boys were on their skis and on their way.
"How are your legs today?" Tyler wondered. "You put in a lot of work yesterday."
Caleb was surprised to discover that he wasn't feeling any effects from that lengthy workout.
"So there's no need to visit Abby?" Tyler smirked.
"Maybe tomorrow," Caleb suggested, with a predatory grin of his own.
Tyler narrowed his eyes. But he couldn't figure out what would be significant about visiting Abby the following day.
Instead, he led Caleb on a light workout over nearby trails. They had more time, since he didn't have to return to his own home before dark fell. But he was still eager to put in a few hours practicing jiu-jitsu.
After almost two hours of working on various jiu-jitsu submission holds, Caleb was becoming distracted. Some of what they practiced was ground that Tyler had already gone over before. Caleb was getting the hang of variations on arm bars and triangle chokes, although he found it more difficult than usual to focus amidst all of the physical contact. It was also hard to concentrate with all of Tyler's talk and examples of various kinds of mounts. And when Tyler suggested that he show Caleb a rear naked choke, Caleb almost lost control.
Tyler had always been very serious about his instruction, so Caleb was pretty sure that the rear naked choke must be a legitimate jiu-jitsu move. But part of him was really hoping that it wasn't.
"We're not making a lot of progress today," Tyler finally observed. "You're probably ready for more than just practicing basic moves. You'll only start to master Brazilian jiu-jitsu when you begin to understand the science behind it and what makes the moves work."
Caleb nodded disconsolately. He was feeling guilty for letting Tyler down.
"If you're interested in learning more," Tyler suggested, "you should probably start studying with a professional teacher. I go to a school in Brattleboro that I think is good. I've learned a lot there."
Caleb agreed that the suggestion made sense. But he did want to keep practicing with Tyler.
"I'll do better next time," he promised.
Tyler wrapped an encouraging arm around Caleb's waist as they wandered off in the direction of the kitchen to check on dinner.
"I was just about to call you two," Nicole greeted the boys. "Dinner is ready!"
She noticed Tyler's arm lingering around her son's waist and raised an eyebrow in silent question.
Caleb didn't understand any more than his mother, so he shrugged. It disappointed him, but he eased out of Tyler's embrace as they grabbed dinnerware and cutlery to set the table for his mother.
They boys joined Nicole to watch a movie after dinner. Caleb was disappointed that Tyler didn't initiate any more physical contact. But whenever his mother cast a curious glance in their direction, he was relieved that there was distance between them. He wouldn't keep any secrets from his mother. But he wasn't very interested in being interrogated about something that he didn't yet understand any better than she did.
After the movie, Caleb led Tyler upstairs to his room. Tyler was interested in seeing more of his art. And while Nicole had suggested that Caleb bring some of his work down for all of them to appreciate, the idea that putting his personal work on display might also inspire his mother to bring out baby pictures was enough to elicit a firm 'No' in response. From his mother's amused reaction, Caleb was pretty sure he had interpreted her plan correctly.
Caleb was growing accustomed to Tyler's early bedtime, so he wrapped up his presentation before ten o'clock and started getting ready for bed. While he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, he slipped an item into a gift bag, put a bow and a tag that read "Happy Birthday, Tyler!" on it, and quietly returned to his bedroom.
He had a hard time keeping a straight face when Tyler left to take his turn in the bathroom.
"Oh my god! You didn't!"
Caleb was sure that his mother must have heard that shriek downstairs. He wanted to check on Tyler. But he refused to let his curiosity get the best of him.
"You wore them?!" Caleb choked when Tyler reappeared in the bedroom. He really hadn't expected that Tyler would. But the purple bikini briefs did look very good on him, even if they were a little too large.
"I'll wear them if you promise never to tell Abby about them," Tyler bargained. "If you don't promise, I'll take them off right now!"
"Right now?" Caleb pretended to consider the 'threat'.
Tyler blushed.
"You know what I mean. I'll go back in the bathroom and put on my own underwear."
"No need to be hasty," Caleb suggested. "Those look pretty good on you."
Tyler eyed him suspiciously.
"Then why are you wearing boxers? Where are your panties?"
"Uh, in the wash?" Caleb thought it was worth a shot. But as Tyler turned to leave the room, "Okay. I have some in my dresser."
Tyler waited expectantly. Caleb began rummaging through his top drawer. He realized that he was losing control of the situation as he became increasingly nervous. But he was determined that he wouldn't be intimidated by his anxiety.
He dropped his boxers and stepped into a pair of bikini briefs.
"White? What about purple?" Tyler tugged on the waistband of his briefs to make the point.
"That was the only purple pair in the package," Caleb explained.
Tyler narrowed his eyes.
"What other colors were there?"
"Black?" Caleb offered.
"Let's see them," Tyler demanded.
Caleb turned away to let the white briefs fall and stepped into the black pair. When he realized the view he had been giving Tyler, he stood up hurriedly and dragged the black briefs up his legs. He turned to face Tyler expectantly.
"Better," Tyler decided. "But they're really not that exciting. What else was in the package?"
Caleb glanced back into the drawer.
"Pink?" he mumbled.
"What?" Tyler demanded.
Reluctantly, Caleb turned around with the offending garment in his hand.
"Oh, yes!" Tyler decided. "Those are the ones!"
When Caleb pleaded his case with his eyes, Tyler was unimpressed.
"You should have bought two purple pair," Tyler insisted. "If you expect me to wear these," he tugged at the waistband of the purple briefs again, "the least you can do is wear those."
Caleb wished nothing more than that he had taken a closer look at the package of bikini briefs— beyond noticing the perfect pair of purple briefs for Tyler— before he bought them. He decided, too late, that it had been a very unfortunate oversight on his part.
Before he could turn away, Caleb realized that the situation couldn't get any more humiliating for him. And besides, he was with Tyler. He trusted him.
Slowly, he lowered the pair of black briefs. He folded them carefully and reached back over his shoulder to set them on top of his dresser. He opened the pair of pink briefs deliberately, then stepped carefully into them.
Caleb had been uncomfortable, at first. But he decided that he could be strong enough to change in front of Tyler. It was no different from being in a locker room. . . except this did feel a lot more personal. As he pulled the briefs up his legs, he summoned the strength to look directly into Tyler's eyes.
Except Tyler's eyes were focused somewhere else. Tyler was looking directly at 'him'. That was unexpected. It was also arousing. And very intimidating. Caleb wondered what Tyler was thinking about what he saw.
He took the time to pull the briefs up over his backside and adjust them, then finished pulling them up in front. He was glad that he hadn't waited much longer. Caleb glanced away so Tyler wouldn't know that he had been caught staring. He turned to fold his white briefs and return them and the black pair to his drawer.
When he turned back around, Tyler had difficulty looking directly at him.
"Is this what gay guys do together?" Tyler asked. He appeared to be having trouble swallowing.
"You mean put on fashion shows?" Caleb tried to turn it into a joke. But his laughter felt very unsteady. It suddenly climbed an octave, sounding shrill and desperate.
"I have no idea, Tyler," Caleb admitted as he struggled to bring his voice back under control. "I've never done anything with anyone. Was this okay?"
Tyler nodded. He appeared to be considering the experience.
" It was different," he concluded. "I need time to think about it. But it really was. . . I think it was really good," he finished with a shy smile.
"I guess it probably was too much excitement for one night," Caleb adjusted himself. "And if we're going to get up at some ungodly hour tomorrow to satisfy your schedule," he grinned to soften his words, "I suppose we should get some sleep now."
"It's going to be our last day of vacation," Tyler reminded him. "I want us to get every last minute of enjoyment out of it."
If there had ever been a perfect set-up line, Caleb thought, that had to be it. But he resolved to say nothing. He didn't ever want Tyler to have regrets about anything they did together. Part of that resolve was doing nothing and saying nothing that might influence Tyler to do something before he was completely ready.
Caleb insisted on taking the inside of the bed, as Tyler had done at his home. He climbed under the bedding and waited for Tyler to join him.
Tyler took a while to settle in. He seemed to be having trouble getting comfortable.
"I think these briefs are a little too loose," he finally explained.
"I'm sorry. I bought Men's Smalls because that's what I wear," Caleb apologized. "But it won't be too long before you grow into them."
"I hope I grow into them before I fall out of them," Tyler snickered.
Caleb grimaced sympathetically. But he was thinking evil thoughts.
"I think mine may be a little tighter," he suggested. "I'll trade with you."
The refusal formed immediately in Tyler's eyes, then was stillborn there. Caleb watched him weigh the idea thoughtfully before finally rejecting it.
"Thanks, but I think pink is your color," he giggled. "There's no way I could explain to my mother why I have a pair of pink panties in the wash."
Caleb groaned.
"I really should have looked more closely at the pack before I bought them. My mother's fine with me being gay. But even she might think that these are over the top."
Tyler giggled some more, then became thoughtful.
"You don't have to answer this if you don't want to," he invited, "but I'm really trying to figure some stuff out. I know what makes a girl attractive. I even know that I think makes some guys attractive," he glanced at Caleb shyly. "But I really don't get why other people think I'm attractive. I mean, I really look like I should still be in middle school."
Caleb's first instinct was to dismiss Tyler's humility out of hand. It was certainly his emotional reaction. But he decided that it might help Tyler more if he considered his observations critically.
"I guess size makes a difference to some people," he acknowledged. "It doesn't to me. And it isn't just about the person inside that I mean when I say that. When I first saw you, I really thought you looked good. I couldn't take my eyes off you. That's how Abby figured out that I'm gay." He grinned sheepishly. "I was that transparent."
" What I liked?" he paused to consider. "Your hair is great. Your features are perfectly symmetrical. And when I finally got close enough to see your eyes. . . Even though you were trying to keep people away, I could see in them that there was so much going on inside your head. They were really alive. "
"But my head comes up to the average sophomore's chest," Tyler objected.
"Chin," Caleb corrected absently. He grinned. "Height doesn't matter unless I'm looking for a volleyball partner. Physical beauty," he cringed for a moment, "I hope it's okay if I say that."
Tyler snickered softly.
"I'm embarrassed, but I'm not offended."
"For me, what makes a person physically attractive starts with symmetry. I guess because I'm an artist," Caleb shrugged. "Your body is perfectly in proportion. Your muscles are really toned, like I think god intended for us to be," he blushed. "You have a great complexion. I don't know what else to say, except I could draw you for years and not get tired of looking at my subject."
Caleb noticed that Tyler had turned crimson, but he had a bashful little smile on his face.
"That's just the start, you know," Caleb reached out reflexively to hold Tyler's hand. "What I'm most attracted to is the person that you are. When I first saw you, I knew that I wanted to get to know you. What I didn't know then is how much more I would want to get to know you with every day we spend together.
"You're smart. You have so much talent. I respect your determination. We have shared interests. You're kind. You're considerate of others. And most of all, you don't even have too high an opinion of yourself.
"I've had crushes on guys before. But I've never felt even close to the same about anyone else as I feel about you.
"So that's how I feel," Caleb admitted. "Maybe everyone doesn't feel the same way. I don't know. But I know that a lot of people think you're really attractive. And I think you're the hottest person I've ever seen, both outside and inside."
"Yeah. Okay," Tyler agreed. It seemed like a lot for him to take in at once. "Thank you, Caleb. But keep in mind, I may need more convincing."
"That's what I'm here for," Caleb grinned.
He just hoped that he hadn't said too much. He didn't regret saying what he believed. But he did worry that saying as much as he had might influence Tyler's decisions and persuade him to do things because he thought that's what Caleb wanted him to do.
"I know I've said this before," Caleb reminded Tyler. "I'm gay. I like you a lot. But I really don't want that to change you. I mean, I hope that you like me back. And I hope that you want us to keep spending time together. And being friends. But I don't want you to make any big life choices just because you think it's what I want. You should make those choices because of what you want. Whatever you decide, we'll still be friends."
Caleb could sense that Tyler was fighting his emotions. That ignited his worries again. He really hoped that Tyler wouldn't be influenced by emotion to make a rash decision.
"You're my friend, Tyler. That's the most important thing," Caleb said. "I like who you are a lot more than I'd like anything that I might want us to do together."
Caleb waited while Tyler gathered himself and organized his thoughts.
"What would we do together?" he asked.
"I really don't know," Caleb admitted. "I've never done anything with anyone. With you? What I want to do most is to be your friend. I hope you'll let me do that. Anything else? I want to do whatever you want to do. I want you to be happy.
"That's what I want most. I want to be your friend. And I want you to be happy."
Caleb realized that his next thought was absurdly melodramatic before he even got it out of his mouth. But he said it anyway.
"And if you ever decide that what makes you happy is not being my friend, then I guess I want that, too. Or I could accept it. Because I think that what I want above everything else is for you to be happy."
They lay side-by-side in silence for several minutes; Tyler processing what Caleb had said, Caleb wondering if perhaps he shouldn't have said so much. But Tyler continued to hold onto Caleb's hand.
"I guess we have a lot to think about," Tyler decided. "But," he added, "I know that I'm happy now."
He rolled over to face Caleb.
"I think tonight is another special occasion."
The kiss bound them together for what felt like hours. It was so tender that Caleb never even though about his tongue.
"I really liked it when you held me while we slept," Tyler said. "Every time I woke up like that, I felt safe. But I was wondering if you'd mind me holding you tonight. I think I want to know what that feels like, too."
Caleb turned on his side and backed into Tyler. He didn't know what Tyler felt when he wrapped his arms around Caleb. But he decided that he really liked being held, too. He could feel the warm connection with another human being and the rhythmic beating of the heart that had his back. It made him feel safe.
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