Strong Enough
by Nico Grey
X
When Caleb woke up, the first thought that passed through his mind was that he felt like he must be back in his mother's womb. It was dark. He was warm. He was surrounded by a gentle, comforting pressure that made him feel secure.
He was never at his best when he first woke in the morning. But even in that state, Caleb realized that a return to the womb was improbable. He shifted carefully against the pressure and recognized arms wrapped around his chest. He pushed backward gently and felt a warm body against his back. Slowly, the pieces fell into place. He smiled contentedly.
Caleb took further inventory and realized that he was still in the same position he had been in when he fell asleep. He wasn't ordinarily a restless sleeper, but he did still move around in his sleep. But the two times he had shared a bed with Tyler, they had both slept the night through secure in each others' arms. That felt rather significant.
He stretched gently against the restraint of Tyler's arms, then twisted carefully until he was lying on his opposite side. He noticed an immediate change in the rhythm of Tyler's breathing and felt arms subtly tighten around him. There wasn't yet enough light to see them, but he suddenly could feel bright hazel eyes watching him.
"Good morning."
"Good morning," Caleb whispered back.
He was excited to feel warm lips press against his own, then begin to explore. He met each of Tyler's advances with one of his own, concluding with gentle suction on Tyler's lower lip.
"What a way to wake up," Caleb breathed.
Tyler chuckled softly.
"It's not really time to get up," he said. "We can still sleep for almost two more hours. That was just a reminder of what will be waiting for you when we do wake up."
Caleb didn't know how to respond. He was so elated that he wanted to cry. That was the closest that Tyler had come so far to declaring his intentions. And it came out of a sound sleep. To Caleb's mind, that made it even more likely that Tyler was feeling certain about his decision.
He wrapped his arms around Tyler, so they held each other in a mutual embrace. Then he squirmed to bring himself even closer to Tyler's body. Before he drifted back to sleep, he kissed Tyler softly on his shoulder.
Faint sunlight woke Caleb next. He decided not to wake Tyler. He wanted to take time to watch him sleep.
He didn't have long to appreciate the view. Tyler's eyelids fluttered open a few minutes later. But Caleb would still remember those few fleeting moments as one of the most enjoyable experiences he'd had in years. He loved watching Tyler sleep.
Tyler smiled; first his lips, then his eyes. He stretched against Caleb's body, rubbing up and down in gentle rhythm.
Suddenly, both boys stiffened. Caleb was shocked. Tyler couldn't move.
" Is that. . . skin?" he wondered.
" I don't know. My, um, my. . . is still in my briefs." But Caleb knew what Tyler was talking about.
"Mine, um, isn't," Tyler admitted. "Those panties must have slipped down during the night."
Then he changed gears. "Hey! You bought them loose on purpose, didn't you!" he accused. "Did you cop a feel?!"
Caleb was mortified!
"Tyler! I didn't! I wouldn't! I swear!" The feeling of shame was so intense that Caleb thought he might burst into tears.
Tyler recognized Caleb's distress and recovered hurriedly.
"I know, Caleb. I know you wouldn't."
Tyler seemed startled by the intensity of Caleb's reaction. He tried to comfort him.
"I'm sorry. I was just teasing you. But I shouldn't have done that. I really am sorry." He pulled Caleb into his chest and began rubbing his back while he waited for Caleb to calm down. "I know you won't do anything unless I say that I want to do it. I trust you."
"Besides, I suppose that is something that we'll do eventually if we, you know, keep going," he concluded thoughtfully.
Caleb nodded into Tyler's shoulder. "But we still have a lot of steps before we get there. And I'm going to wait for you. . . for everything." he promised.
"I think kissing with tongues is supposed to be next," Tyler decided. "But I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I want to take my time and explore each step along the way. I want us to get all we can out of everything we do before I'm ready to move on to something new."
Caleb continued to agree into Tyler's shoulder. He was discovering a growing fascination with Tyler's chest. Experimentally, he pressed his lips against pectorals.
Tyler giggled.
"That tickles. And it reminds me. I still want to kiss you, if that's okay with you."
Caleb thought about it. He wasn't very surprised to discover that it was.
Caleb's lips started at Tyler's chest. Tyler's started on the top of Caleb's head. They took the scenic route, gradually working their way together. Eventually they connected in the middle.
Tyler announced that, since they would be returning to school the following day, he thought they should spend the day skiing, just to make sure Caleb didn't lose any more fitness than necessary before the following weekend. He reasoned that they might be able to find a few hours during the week to practice martial arts, but that since school consumed most of the daylight hours of a winter day, skiing would be on hold for the next five days.
Caleb groaned inwardly, but he understood that Tyler was making sense. So they spent the morning skiing from one end of Judah to the other.
"Do you think we should stop in and see how Abby is?" Tyler asked when they approached a trail that led to her house.
"That depends," Caleb replied. "Are you wearing your purple briefs?"
"I hope so!" Tyler giggled. "I put them back on this morning. So unless they slipped down again. . ." He slid a hand inside his pants to check. "Are you wearing your pink panties?"
Caleb smirked.
"Last night was a one-time only event," he declared.
"You know, I'm not sure we have enough time to visit and get back for lunch," Tyler decided. "And if you don't keep those panties in your top drawer," he threatened, "you'll never see these again!"
"Maybe you should bring mine home with you. Just so I'm not tempted to lose them," Caleb suggested.
"And have my mother find both pairs in my laundry?!" Tyler looked horrified.
Caleb was tempted to keep teasing Tyler. But Tyler's reaction had also sparked concern. He hoped Tyler's mother wouldn't react badly if she ever found out that he was starting to become intimate with another guy.
After lunch with Nicole, Caleb and Tyler decided that a quiet afternoon on skis was in order. Caleb grabbed a sketch pad and some pencils before the boys left the house.
The hill behind Caleb's home was calling. After a surprising easy ascent of the slope, Tyler pulled out his camera and Caleb started sketching.
It was a bright Sunday afternoon snow still lay heavily on the land. But it had been several days since the last snowfall, so the trees were no longer blanketed in snow.
Caleb found it difficult to focus on the landscape in front of him. In his mind, he saw three different visions before his eyes. The first was the image that he eyes revealed to him.
The second was a similar landscape, but covered in a blanket of snow. The snow concealed the outlines of terrain he could only guess at. But he sensed that what lay beneath was good. It felt like trying to look into the future. It wasn't certain. But in his heart, it felt full of hope.
The third landscape in front of him was familiar. But it was difficult for Caleb to see. It was dark. The occasional flash of light raced across the sky overhead. It felt like the past. In his heart, Caleb was certain that he was glad it was behind him.
Caleb couldn't commit to a vision. So he compromised. He decided to draw all three.
After a while, he became aware that Tyler wasn't facing the horizon any more. He worked meticulously, checking light and shadow, focusing intently, then moving to capture his subject from a new angle.
"What are you doing?" Caleb was finally distracted enough to ask.
"Working. But more important, what are you doing?" Tyler was examining Caleb's work intently.
"Thinking," Caleb decided. "Trying to make up my mind about something; what this place means to me, I guess."
The first sketch was mostly in shades of gray.
"This is what it looked like the first time I was up here," he explained. "We had just moved to Judah. I left my whole life behind. My mother and father had just divorced, mostly because of me. It was the night I turned fifteen. School started the next day. And everything felt so dark. I thought about. . ." he gestured toward the overlook.
Caleb noted the sympathy in Tyler's expression. But he didn't see any surprise. He realized that Tyler completely understood what it felt like to be alone in the dark.
"This one is what I see around me right now," he gestured toward the second sketch. "It's becoming familiar to me. I'm getting comfortable with it. I really like some of it," he smiled at Tyler.
"I can't actually see a lot of what's in this picture," Caleb indicated the snow-covered scene. "It looks beautiful. It feels like my future. I just can't see it clearly yet, but I think it's good."
He noticed that Tyler had circled behind him and was working his camera again.
"I want that for myself, too," he explained.
Caleb resumed his work while Tyler continued to observe.
"Do you think this is what our future could look like?" Tyler wondered, as Caleb continued to fill the image with shimmers of silvered sunlight falling on the blanket of white.
"Ours?" Caleb raised an eyebrow. "It that something you're thinking about?"
Tyler didn't react with shyness or embarrassment. He just nodded thoughtfully.
"I'm thinking about it. The idea is new to me," he admitted. "I've been interested in girls for as long as I can remember. Then I discovered that girls aren't very interested in me."
Caleb almost corrected him. But his interest in where Tyler would take the thought overcame any other consideration.
"So I spent a lot of time thinking about other possibilities." He indicated the overlook with a slight jerk of his head.
"But mostly I thought about spending the rest of my life alone. Maybe with a dog. I suppose there are worse ways to live," he concluded with a forbearing shrug.
"I really hadn't even considered any other possibility until I met you. Then I started to feel some things that confused me. But I figured that I was just feeling weird to have a friend after so many years and I had forgotten what that felt like.
"But I was also kind of wondering about you. You said some things, and Abby said some things, that made me question. And when you told me that you're gay, that kind of helped me understand what I was feeling a little better.
"I never thought that I might be gay."
"Bi-sexual," Caleb corrected. "If you're attracted to girls, you're not gay. But if you're attracted to boys and girls, it probably means that you're bi-sexual."
"So I don't have to wear the pink panties?" Tyler smirked.
"You can if you want to." Caleb never thought of himself as selfish.
Tyler snorted.
"Whatever you decide," Caleb assured him, "I want us to be friends. Real friends aren't easy to find. And I think they may be a lot harder to find than someone willing to have sex."
"But if you can find both?" Tyler offered.
Caleb felt his emotions waver.
"Do you think that's possible?"
Tyler gave the question some consideration.
"I already have been thinking about it for a few weeks. After you told me that you're gay, I worried about that a bit. Mostly because of what other people think.
"But I've come to realize how much it means to me to be your friend. So I really wondered about whether I could do more than just be your friend.
"I like the way you look. The first day you came over to my table in the cafeteria, I noticed that right away. I almost asked you to stay. But I was so used to being alone that it was hard to do something different."
Caleb felt sympathy for that sentiment. On his first day at Silver River High School, he remembered wanting nothing more than to go completely unnoticed for the next three years. He tried to make his expression look encouraging.
"But I thought about you a lot after that day. I thought about what it would be like to spend lunch being with you. And I think part of that was knowing that I'd like talking to you because it would involve looking at you," he reddened.
"Now I know that I like talking to you because you're interesting, we have a lot in common, and you're easy to talk to. I don't know how you do it, but we get along really well.
"And I guess you've probably figured out by now that I like kissing you. So I know that I'm attracted to you."
That still left a pretty big question unanswered, from Caleb's perspective. He thought he could be happy spending the rest of his life being Tyler's friend and kissing frequently. But. . .
"Don't you worry about sex?" he wondered. "With a guy?"
"Not so much today!" Tyler grinned. "After what you showed me last night. . ."
"Tyler!" Caleb was alarmed. "I didn't do that because I was trying to convince you to have sex with me! It felt kind of foolish to run into the bathroom just to change underwear. And I thought that changing in front of you would show that I trust you.
" Then, when I realized I was already showing you. . . a really full moon," just thinking about it again embarrassed Caleb, "I guess I decided there was no reason to be shy.
" I mean, I have a really hard time being exposed like that. . . because of that stuff in my past. . . But I thought you've already done a lot for me, so the least I could do is trust you with that part of myself. Man!" he realized quite belatedly, "That was a pretty screwed up way of thinking about it!"
Tyler didn't laugh. He recognized that there were experiences and emotions behind Caleb's decision that he couldn't hope to fully understand yet. He chose to aim for reassurance.
"It didn't make me uncomfortable." he said. "I thought it was interesting. It made me curious to find out more. I was kind of excited, too.
"You don't need to worry about me. If I decide to do something, it really will be because I want to do it. I promise.
"And Caleb," he waited patiently for Caleb to meet his eyes, "I've decided that I want us to do stuff together. I just need for us to take our time getting there. I've learned from experience that rushing into big things doesn't always end well. And I want to have that ending," he indicated the sketch covered in snow and silver sunlight. "I want to have it with you."
"I just need to be sure that I'll be strong enough to hold up my end," he added. "I don't want to let you down."
Caleb had no idea how to respond. He couldn't imagine better news. But celebration would be disrespectful to the seriousness of Tyler's commitment.
He tried to say what was important with his expression. He was embarrassed by his tears, but he didn't try to wipe them away. In their own way, perhaps they were the clearest way he could communicate to Tyler how much his words had affected him.
Tyler was sensitive about Caleb's feelings, turning to scan the view surrounding them one last time. The sun was still well above the horizon, but it was getting on time for him to return home.
He helped Caleb gather and secure his art supplies. Together, they skied closer to the overlook, enjoying the view side-by-side.
Tyler turned his upper body to face Caleb and looked up at his friend.
"I'm going to need a little help with this," he grinned sheepishly. "Bend over just a little."
He pulled Caleb gently into his body and brought their lips together.
Caleb drew back.
"Tyler!" he exclaimed. "That's Judah down there. Anyone could see us."
"I know," Tyler said. "This is my commitment. I want to give it to you."
He brought their lips back together again.
"Tyler!" Caleb was shocked. "Was that you tongue?"
"I did that for me!" Tyler laughed. Then he turned and began striding briskly toward the rear slope of the hill.
Tyler was waiting at the Bradford home when Caleb finally caught up with him.
"Don't I get my turn?" Caleb demanded, once he regained his breath.
Tyler gestured smugly toward the car in the driveway.
"If you're ready to let your mother know," he offered.
He did appear uncertain when Caleb started toward him.
"Maybe we could make it official by introducing her to the pink panties," he suggested.
That brought Caleb up short.
"That's cruel," he accused. "But you know I don't mind telling her about everything else. She knows I'm gay. She doesn't care. And I'll be proud to say that you're my boyfriend."
Tyler considered the idea seriously, his brow knit in thought.
"I still don't know how my mom will react," he decided. "I need to figure that out. Until I do, I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell anyone."
"Well, you do owe me," Caleb insisted, "even if it's just a kiss. We won't be seen from the house."
He started toward Tyler menacingly. But he still waited for permission.
"Tyler!" he complained as Tyler ran away giggling. "You could have warned me! I wanted to do that, too!"
"There's many a slip between thought and tongue," Tyler informed him loftily, "and you didn't think fast enough."
Tyler continued up the stairs and onto the deck. He waited for Caleb to join him and remove the rest of his gear. Caleb thought that he almost appeared apologetic.
"I'll figure it out with my mom soon," he promised. "I guess I'm just afraid. I need to get used to the idea before I tell anyone."
"Abby?" Caleb suggested.
Tyler blanched.
"You know she'll figure it out," Caleb reminded him.
"I know. But I can't imagine being out at school," Tyler apologized. "If we decide that we can trust Abby, maybe we could ease her into the idea. I think you have something up in your bedroom that would give her a clue."
"Couldn't you just let that go?" Caleb suggested reasonably.
"Maybe. But it's kind of hard to forget while I'm wearing these!"
He offered Caleb a brief peek as he led them into the house.
Nicole was waiting for the boys with a smile. She already had coffee brewing for herself and Tyler. Apparently their arrival was noisier than they realized.
"Now's my favorite boy?" she greeted them.
"I'm great, thanks, Nicole," Tyler assured her.
"And the other one?" she wondered.
"He did pretty well this afternoon," Tyler advised. "But we really didn't get much skiing in."
"I'm right here!" Caleb interrupted.
"He wanted to draw pictures, so I let him. When he gets like that, it just isn't worth fighting," Tyler shook his head in defeat.
"Oh, dear! And I was hoping that you'd stick around and make sure that he has all his work ready for school tomorrow. I could drive you home later," Nicole offered.
Tyler apologized.
"It's the last night of Christmas break. I really should spend some time with my mother this evening."
He thanked Nicole for the coffee, then departed
"He really is very sweet," Nicole observed. She glanced at Caleb knowingly.
Caleb was afraid she might say more, so he deflected.
"Oh, yeah." It wasn't his best effort. "Tyler really appreciates everything his mother does for him. He tries to make sure she knows that."
"So she tells me."
Nicole continued to watch her son closely.
"Well, I guess I should probably get started on that homework," Caleb pretended to stretch.
"I'll have dinner ready at six o'clock. You can tell me all about it then."
He decided that it would probably be a good idea to make sure he was fully prepared when he woke the following day.
The past sixteen days had been the best he had spent in years. But school would be waiting for him in the morning.
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