Strong Enough
by Nico Grey
VIII
Caleb and Tyler spent most of the next two days at Tyler's house. They continued to ski from Caleb's house every morning and return by mid-afternoon.
Each day, Grace Neeson continued to prepare the sort of lunch that would pass for dinner in most homes. Caleb was starting to feel guilty about imposing on Tyler's mother, especially knowing that she would be hosting him on Thursday for Tyler's birthday dinner, and likely most of Friday, as well.
Caleb mentioned his concern to his own mother while they were eating supper Tuesday night. Nicole looked thoughtful.
"We don't really know Tyler's mother very well," she observed. "We could certainly do something for her to show your appreciation. But it's hard to know what might help her. She seems to be doing well by Tyler. It sounds like they probably have everything that they need.
"I'll tell you what," Nicole concluded. "I'll call Grace later tonight to find out what Tyler might appreciate for his birthday. If I get her talking, maybe she'll give me an idea about something we can do for her, too."
That suggestion helped relieve Caleb's concern. He was fifteen. He was supposed to be growing independent from his parents. But there were times when he sure was glad to have his mother helping him navigate the course from child to adult.
"I've still got all my Christmas money," he said. "I can afford to get Tyler a nice gift and get something for Grace."
"What about your hot tub?" Nicole teased.
Caleb looked sheepish.
"Maybe next year. I'll keep saving. But I think I want to get a mountain bike this spring."
Nicole appraised her son.
"You're ready to get back on the bike now, kiddo?" she asked.
He nodded. Cautiously.
"I want to be able to explore all around here with Tyler. And I trust him. I feel safe with him."
Nicole smiled contentedly. She trusted Tyler, too. And she was confident that Caleb was safe with him.
"Did you stay up to watch the ball come down last night?" Caleb asked when Tyler skied up to his house Thursday morning.
Tyler looked confused for a moment.
"Oh!" he realized. "No. I had to get to bed early. Even without school, I have to be up in the morning. It takes a while to ski here."
Caleb was embarrassed that he hadn't considered that.
"Coffee?" he asked. He had at least started to offer Tyler a hot drink when he arrived every morning. Skiing ten kilometers through winter weather took some toll on a body's core temperature.
"Sure," Tyler agreed. He smirked. "You aren't ready again, are you?"
Caleb ignored the good-natured jibe. He was always ready. . . except for those times when he wasn't.
"Happy birthday!" Nicole announced as soon as Tyler entered the kitchen. She had a banner hanging on one wall, with coffee and breakfast pastries already out on the table.
Tyler accepted the congratulations with some obvious embarrassment.
"Thanks, Mrs. Bradford," he blushed faintly.
"You're sixteen!" Nicole reminded him. "Almost an adult. I think you can call me Nicole now. You, however," she rounded on Caleb, "still have to call me Mom!"
Tyler chuckled.
"Can I call you Mom, too?" he asked.
"No, you can't," Nicole said. "I'd be proud to be your mother. But you already have a great mom."
Tyler couldn't argue with that.
"I do," he agreed. "But I think you're a great mom, too."
"This one is getting very smooth," Nicole observed to Caleb.
The color rose in Tyler's cheeks again.
They were halfway to Tyler's house when it occurred to him that he hadn't spoken with Abby in several days.
"Do you think we should stop in and see Abby?" he wondered. "Show off the birthday boy?"
"That depends," Tyler said. "She'd probably be delighted to see us if you're wearing your panties today."
Caleb was already red from exertion. His face turned crimson.
"I'm not wearing panties today!" he insisted. "I'm going to be sleeping in your bed tonight, so I'm wearing something very modest," he added primly.
"A burka?" Tyler speculated. "You know, I really wouldn't mind if you wanted to sleep with me in your panties." He had a hard time concealing the snicker. "I'm not afraid of touching you or of being touched by you. We're all over each other every time we practice martial arts."
Caleb nodded.
"I know. I just didn't want it to feel awkward tonight. I've never slept with anyone else before."
"Don't worry. It's a big bed," Tyler assured him. "And if we do bump into each other during the night, it's no big deal. I trust you."
"So should we see if Abby's home?" Caleb asked. "Maybe you'll get yourself a birthday kiss." He wiggled his eyebrows badly.
"Her parents are probably home today," Tyler said. "But let's at least say 'hello'. She hasn't called since Saturday. Maybe she thinks you're angry with her, or something."
As Tyler had predicted, Jonathan and Betsy West were home with Abby. Caleb had the sense that both had celebrated enthusiastically the night before. Nonetheless, they proved genial hosts.
Caleb had never tried mulled cider before. But he found the taste pleasant.
The conversation was rather stilted. Caleb thought that Abby's parents were far more used to interacting with their own peers than with Abby's peer group. But they were putting in the effort, so Caleb was polite and tried hard to enjoy the conversation.
He and Tyler learned that the Wests had been away for a few days, visiting Mrs. West's family in northern Vermont between the two holidays. They had returned to town the previous day to host their own New Year celebration.
It was some relief to discover that Abby hadn't been avoiding Caleb and Tyler. She had simply been out of town.
Caleb was amused to watch Abby squirm, eager to get away from her parents to spend time alone with her friends. It was even more amusing to converse with Betsy West who, as she continued to enthuse over the family visit up north and their New Year party, was providing increasing evidence that it really had been some New Year celebration! She wasn't slurring her words. But she was working hard to string together complete sentences.
Jonathan West did the usual dad stuff. He knew Tyler, so he asked Caleb about his background. When Caleb explained that he and his mother had just moved to Judah from Keene, New Hampshire at the start of the school year, Mrs. West interjected:
"Oh! Now I know who you are! You're Abby's gay friend!"
Everyone else in the room was stunned, but Betsy rushed on.
"Abby has told us ever so much about you. You're so brave to be open about you sexual preferences in a backwoods town like Judah!"
Then she turned on Tyler.
"And are you Caleb's boyfriend?"
If he hadn't already been so shaken by the turn in the conversation, the look on Tyler's face would have made Caleb break into hysterical laughter. He recalled that look later as resembling a tarsier suddenly caught in the beam from a floodlight. Tyler's expression was fixed and his eyes were so wide that they threatened to overwhelm the rest of his face. It still looked cute as heck though, Caleb reflected.
"Uh, dear," Mr. West interjected. When Betsy didn't notice, he turned to Caleb and Tyler.
"Please don't take that badly," he insisted. "Mrs. West didn't intend it that way. We're very supportive. We give to all the gay and lesbian causes."
Betsy finally realized that the conversation had veered off track.
"Oh my, yes!" she agreed. "All of the causes. They're very important to us. LGBC. . . Oh, goodness! I can't remember all of the letters. There are so many now! But we support all of them!"
Caleb wasn't offended. So he hurried to reassure the Wests. He also cast a wary eye toward Tyler, hoping that he hadn't been freaked out by being 'outed' so unexpectedly.
"Thank you so much for the cider, Mrs. West," Caleb said, "and for taking the time to visit with us. It sounds like you've been very busy this week."
"Oh yes, dear. Thank you," Betsy said. "It was our pleasure. We're always delighted to get to know Abby's friends. And you and your. . . Tyler, you both seem like such decent young men!"
Abby asked to be excused. Mr. and Mrs. West were relieved to dismiss her to visit with her friends in the family room.
Caleb was still concerned about Tyler, but he appeared to be taking the misadventure well.
"Well, that was awkward," Tyler observed dryly. "My boyfriend and I weren't planning to announce our status yet."
Abby eyed him uncertainly for a moment before she interpreted the social cues.
"I am so sorry about that!" she insisted. "My parents mean well. But they're so out of touch. It's embarrassing!"
"I don't mind, Abby," Caleb said. "I am gay. And she wasn't trying to insult me. Besides," he checked on Tyler one more time, "I've got my boyfriend here for emotional support."
Tyler giggled.
"More than emotional support," he agreed suggestively. "If you weren't wearing that burka, I'd be tempted to ravish you on the spot!"
Caleb was just relieved that Tyler was taking the misunderstanding so well. Abby was excited!
"Burka! I have to see it!" she demanded.
She examined Caleb carefully.
"But I thought a burka was something Muslims wear to cover themselves."
"You're probably thinking of the hijab," Tyler informed her. "The burka is something different. It's a very sexy little thing. And the only person that's allowed to see Caleb's burka is me."
"Is something going on between you two that you haven't told me yet?" Abby demanded. She was watching them both very suspiciously.
"What were you thinking?" Caleb wondered as he and Tyler skied away from Abby's home. He was having a hard time finding breath to ski. "Abby's going to be planning our wedding before you know it. And then you really will be my boyfriend!"
"I can think of worse fates," Tyler shrugged. "It's like someone said, 'If life gives you lemons you should make lemonade'. So when Abby's mother decided we must have hooked up, I just made some lemonade and we had fun with it."
"Unless she was completely drunk, she's going to remember that the next time you visit," Caleb warned. He considered the possibility, adding darkly, "So will Abby."
Caleb didn't have to explain to Tyler what he meant. He saw the realization, then the look of terror flash across his friend's face.
"When did you get so comfortable talking about sex, anyway?" Caleb wondered. "Not that there's anything wrong with it," he added. "But I'm afraid that Abby is never going to let you close that barn door, now that you've given her encouragement."
Tyler looked sheepish.
"Help!" he pleaded. But he was laughing.
"Ever since we talked about, you know, gay sex on Monday, I guess that sex has been on my mind more. For years, I didn't think about sex because I didn't think it was even possible for me. I imagine Abby probably told you why."
Caleb nodded sympathetically.
"But now I have friends."
Hearing Tyler put it that way enveloped Caleb in a wave of empathy for Tyler and what he had endured.
"It's like I've suddenly become a normal teenager. Normal teenagers think about sex. And since I was feeling safe with my friends, I guess I just decided to talk about it."
"I guess that makes sense," Caleb agreed. "It just surprised me. And Abby."
He grinned.
"I don't mind talking with you about sex when you're feeling comfortable and you want to talk about it. After two years, it's kind of cool for me to have a friend that I can be normal with, too. But I don't think Abby is going to wait and let you decide when to talk about it now. And I'm not sure conversations about sex with her will be normal."
Tyler considered that possibility thoughtfully.
"Maybe you could help take her mind off it," Tyler wheedled
"I don't think so!" Just the suggestion triggered Caleb's anxiety. "I already sacrificed my body once to Abby's libido. Next time it's your turn!"
He turned and raced away in the direction of Tyler's house.
Caleb was surprised that it took Tyler a couple of minutes to catch up with him. 'I guess maybe I'm finally getting the hang of skiing,' he thought when Tyler joined him and they began to match strides. They skied together in companionable silence.
As they skied, Caleb's thoughts were turning back toward their conversation.
"Why not just let Abby have her way with you?" he asked. "Even I know she's hot. I'm pretty sure that you like her. And I know that she likes you."
Tyler skied in silence for a while.
"It's more complicated than that," he explained. "I do like Abby. And I get excited thinking about. . . doing stuff with her. But every time I think about. . . doing it, I think about seventh grade."
"I can't really explain it," Tyler admitted. "You just have no idea the effect it had on me to know that bunch of girls was thinking about me as. . . a toy! A tiny, little toy for their amusement. Any time I think about doing something so personal with one of them, I panic."
"I can relate," Caleb sighed. "What happened to me was different. But in a lot of ways, it was really almost the same thing. People didn't think about me. They just saw me as a gay kid and thought, 'This will be fun!' It made me feel. . . I dunno. I guess I felt like I wasn't a real person."
Caleb was tempted to explain more to Tyler. Just like when he offered half-explanations to Abby, he was sure that Tyler was reading more into the information he shared. He thought that it might almost be easier to come clean with everything that had happened to him, then to wonder about what Abby and Tyler were thinking had happened.
But thinking about it brought deeply traumatic memories back to him. It was an ugly story. And it was a complicated story. He really didn't think he could hold it together long enough to get everything out. So he decided to keep the worst of it inside for a while longer.
"I'm pretty sure Abby wouldn't hurt you, Tyler." It was the best that Caleb could offer.
"I know," Tyler agreed. "But I don't quite trust her enough yet. I wish she could make me feel as safe as you do."
It pained Caleb to watch his friend's shoulders slump. He hoped that he could find something more encouraging to say. He wanted Tyler to arrive home in a great mood and ready to celebrate his birthday without any negative thoughts weighing on his mind.
Tyler spent what was left of the morning helping to familiarize Caleb with jiu-jitsu holds. With his mother at home, he decided to focus on activities that weren't overly violent. Establishing holds and learning escape techniques relied on less physical exertion and were still an important part of training.
By the time Grace announced that lunch was ready, Caleb was almost ready to commit to joining the school where Tyler trained. He enjoyed rolling around on the floor with Tyler. But he was also starting to see the benefit of learning a self-defense technique and had growing confidence that Brazilian jiu-jitsu was a discipline in which he could progress.
He also appreciated that jiu-jitsu relied as much on technique as physicality and athletic ability. Tyler was five of six inches shorter than him, and probably weighed more than twenty pounds less, but he controlled Caleb at will. That seemed pretty useful to a smaller person like Caleb.
Grace joined the boys for lunch. She appeared to enjoy getting to know Caleb and finding out what he and Tyler had been learning together. But it was pretty obvious that she would benefit from rest on a rare day away from work. Caleb volunteered himself and Tyler to clean up after they ate, allowing Grace to take a break before she started preparing for Tyler's birthday dinner.
After lunch, Tyler and Caleb decided to get back on their skis. It seemed considerate to allow Grace to have the house to herself. And Tyler was concerned that he had been going too easy on Caleb for the past few days.
Tyler wanted to show Caleb some new terrain to ski, so he led them off through Antioch and into open terrain in the northern half of the town. Caleb was surprised to find several trails crisscrossing the area.
The land was more level in Antioch, much of it was wooded, with gradual dips and rises to occasionally challenge Caleb. Once they were well clear of the town center, Tyler presented Tyler with a choice.
"We could turn right here and head out toward the high school," he suggested, "or there's a lot of flat terrain off to the left."
Flat appealed to Caleb, so Tyler led off in that direction. But he took the opportunity to tease Caleb over his lack of ambition.
For a nice winter day, Caleb was surprised that there was little activity along the trails they skied. He could hear a snowmobile shredding the landscape somewhere far off in the distance, but the afternoon was otherwise peaceful.
Occasional light clouds wafted lazily across an otherwise brilliant blue sky. The bright January sun was sufficient to keep off the cold. The level terrain and the chill air were just right to keep Caleb from overheating as they skied.
Caleb noticed that Tyler was starting to push the pace.
"That really isn't necessary," he informed Tyler.
"I just want to make sure we have enough time for a break," Tyler said. "There's a small hill up ahead. It has a decent view and there's a comfortable spot for us to stop and talk."
The view from the top of the slight rise wasn't spectacular, but it did present a broad expanse of terrain around the hilltop. Birds and small animals wandered about the area occasionally, intent on scratching a living out of the winter landscape.
As they enjoyed the peaceful scene, Caleb noticed skiers emerging from a trail through the wooded terrain south of their perch. First were two boys, probably approaching his own age. Then an older man and woman followed the boys a minute or so later.
"Should we go down and say 'hello'?" Caleb asked.
"Maybe." Tyler was watching the skiers intently. "I think I know that smaller kid. His name's Eric. He's a freshman this year."
"Oh, yeah!" Caleb was reminded of Abby's comment about the small boy with long, dark hair. "And I think that's his red-haired friend with him."
"I don't know that old guy," Tyler decided. "But that lady looks like Ms. Mitchell. She was one of my teachers in fifth and sixth grade." He seemed lost in a memory.
While Caleb waited for Tyler to arrive at a decision, he noticed the two boys had stopped to enjoy the view displayed in front of them. He was surprised when the smaller boy reached out and took the red-haired boy's hand.
It startled the taller boy, too. But he recovered quickly. Casting a discrete eye toward the older couple, he leaned down and brought his lips into contact with his friend's lips. Caleb was embarrassed and slightly aroused as the boys held onto the contact.
"Sorry," he whispered to Tyler. "I didn't expect that."
"No. That's cool," Tyler assured him. "They look happy," he added wistfully. "But maybe we should leave and let them have the moment to themselves."
He turned quietly and led Caleb down the gentle slope in the opposite direction.
Caleb was surprised to find his mother waiting with Grace when they returned to the Neeson home. It was obvious that she had been there for a while. Both Nicole and Grace were busy in the kitchen preparing a meal.
"Can you join us for dinner?" Tyler extended the invitation.
"I'd be delighted to, sweetie," Nicole assured him, "but I wouldn't want to be a fifth wheel."
"One. Two. Three," Tyler pointed and counted deliberately.
With a quick glance to Grace for her approval, Nicole conceded gracefully and accepted Tyler's invitation.
The four enjoyed a pleasant dinner. Caleb was surprised that a bigger deal wasn't made over Tyler's birthday. He was turning sixteen, for heaven's sake!
His own family had always celebrated his birthday elaborately, before Caleb shamed the Bradford family name forever. Extended family was in attendance. There was a meal, presents, and cake. The celebration often went on for hours. He could only imagine what his sixteenth birthday could have been like.
When dinner was over, Grace served a simple cheesecake with fresh berries for dessert. Aside from a shirt and a knit hat from his mother, the only gift Tyler received was an e-gift certificate from an online photography site that Grace had apparently suggested to Nicole.
Caleb was disappointed that he hadn't been able to go shopping for something for Tyler, but he was surprised when he saw the size of the gift certificate.
"Mom!" he complained, "You must love Tyler more than you love me!"
"Caleb," Nicole corrected him, "We love Tyler more than we love you. That gift is from both of us."
"I'm just sorry we didn't have time to shop for something more personal," she apologized to Tyler.
"This is awesome. I'm always looking for new equipment." Tyler was grateful. "But if Caleb wants to give me something more personal, maybe he could make another sketch of me. . ."
Caleb was horrified. He said a silent prayer that Tyler wouldn't finish the thought.
"Doing jiu-jitsu," Tyler concluded with a smirk.
"That sounds like a great idea!" Nicole applauded. "I do need to get going, but I could run home and bring back some art supplies if you want them, Caleb. Do you need me to bring you anything else from home?"
"Ask her about the panties," Tyler whispered.
"No! No, that's fine, Mom," Caleb wondered if it would look suspicious if he covered Tyler's mouth with his hands. "I've got everything that I need for tonight."
"Well, I did bring some maple sugar cookies," she apologized to Grace. "But please try not to eat too many tonight. Grace needs to get a good night's sleep and get up for work in the morning."
"Thank you, Nicole," Tyler's mother walked her to the door. "And thanks for the pastries you brought for our breakfast tomorrow. That will make my morning a lot easier."
Grace visited briefly with the boys, then left them to entertain themselves for the remainder of the evening. Caleb thought that mothers usually gave instructions about how to behave, but Grace seemed to take it for granted that Tyler and Caleb didn't need any reminders.
It was a surprisingly quiet evening. Tyler offered to turn on the television or to stick a movie in the Neeson's old DVD player. Caleb was perfectly happy to spend the time in conversation. He and Tyler had come to know each other quite well over the course of two months, but they each had more than fifteen years of history to share and to learn about each other.
As they talked, Caleb sensed that Tyler was feeling uncomfortable, struggling to find a careful way to approach a delicate topic of conversation. He would have helped direct the conversation if he had been able to divine the subject that was on Tyler's mind.
Hints came in apparently unrelated conversational gambits and brief forays into discussions about their experiences during the day. Tyler seemed surprised that Abby could be confused by their banter about a relationship. How awkward it had felt for everyone when Mrs. West brought up Caleb's sexuality. Why Abby seemed to have such difficulty controlling her feelings when anything to do with sex, especially about a guy she knew she would never have, came up in conversation. Even why he couldn't seem to stop teasing Caleb about his panties.
A couple of times, Tyler came back to the subject of the two younger boys they had seen holding hands and kissing. It had taken on significance in his recollection. The idea of something that outraged many people, yet witnessed in a quiet field, under a radiant winter sky, had felt so peaceful and natural. That touched something deep in Tyler.
Caleb didn't have any insights to contribute. Most of Tyler's conversation was related to sex in some way or other. Sex produced powerful feelings, but all of them were confusing.
"I don't mind talking about sex," he told Tyler. "I kind of like this conversation. But I don't think I have any more answers than you do."
Tyler nodded thoughtfully.
"It's probably time we go to bed, anyway. We have lots of things to do and places to be early tomorrow morning."
He maintained a thoughtful silence as they climbed the stairs to his bedroom.
Tyler still seemed to be wrapped up in his own thoughts as they brushed their teeth and got ready to sleep. He barely noticed Caleb's boxer shorts; certainly found no reason to comment on them.
"I'll sleep next to the wall," he offered. "If you need to get up during the night, it will be easier if you can just slip out of bed."
Caleb appreciated the thoughtful gesture.
"Just looking out for my boyfriend," Tyler snickered.
He climbed under the comforter, slid over the far side of the bed, and held open the bedding for Caleb.
Caleb turned off the table lamp next to the bed and settled back in the darkness. He felt motion next to him, then warm lips against his cheek.
"Uh, Tyler?" Caleb was confused. "What?"
"I'm sorry." Caleb could feel the heat radiating off of Tyler's body. "I guess I was just curious."
"You do know that kisses are usually on the mouth?" Caleb pointed out.
"So I've heard." Embarrassment and amusement mingled in Tyler's tone of voice. "I kind of chickened out at the last moment."
"Oh." Caleb took a moment to process that information. "Well, I liked it. Thank you."
He really wanted to say more. But he didn't want to break his promise. Instead, he shifted closer to Tyler and reached out tentatively for his hand.
When Tyler didn't object, Caleb closed his fingers gently around Tyler's fingers. Then he lay back on the pillow and relaxed. His breathing became deeper and he closed his eyes.
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