Strong Enough
by Nico Grey
VII
Monday morning started the same way the past three mornings had started. Tyler arrived bright and early
Unlike Saturday and Sunday, Caleb was waiting for him and ready to go. Despite the awkwardness of the experience, he had to admit that Abby's massage appeared to have done him good.
Tyler was solicitous of Caleb. They spent the morning moving easily over level terrain, taking frequent breaks to photograph interesting scenes or just to talk. Eventually, Caleb felt the need to remind Tyler that he really was feeling much better.
"Do you want to go see Abby for a tune-up?" Tyler teased.
"Sure," Caleb agreed. "If you go first."
And that put an end to the idea. But Caleb was surprised that Tyler took a minute to consider it before blushing and shaking his head. He checked his gear and started back down the trail.
If he hadn't been fifteen, Caleb concluded, there would really have been no reason to break for lunch. He hadn't worked very hard despite spending the morning on skis.
He and Tyler dropped their gear on the Bradford deck, then clumped into the house. They removed boots in the mudroom.
Tyler sat at the kitchen table chatting about their morning adventures while Caleb rummaged through the refrigerator, trying to find what his mother had left them for lunch.
"Roast beef! Score!" Caleb announced.
Tyler laughed at him.
" Do they still say 'score' in New Hampshire?" he snickered. "I think that was considered lame around here when my mother was our age."
"Oh, yeah?" Caleb eyed him skeptically. "Then maybe you don't want roast beef. Or provolone, tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, or bulkie rolls," he added as he placed each item on the kitchen counter.
"No. No, that sounds good," Tyler assured him. "Uh, score!" he added with dry enthusiasm.
Caleb set lunch down on the table, then went back for plates, silverware, and a cutting board. While Tyler started assembling sandwiches, Caleb put a saucepan on the cook top and started adding milk.
"Cocoa?" he asked. "Or do you want coffee, Ty?"
It took Caleb a minute to realize that he hadn't heard any response.
"Ty?" he wondered.
Tyler had an uncomfortable look on his face.
"Not 'Ty'," he pleaded.
"You don't have a nickname?" Caleb hadn't really considered the possibility.
"Just not 'Ty'," Tyler explained.
" Think about it," he added when he noticed Caleb's confusion. "If you say 'Ty' and my last name together. . ." he didn't finish the thought.
It took Caleb a moment to put the explanation together. 'Ty' and 'Neeson'. 'Ty Neeson'. He blushed.
"I'm sorry, Tyler. I didn't realize," he apologized. "Shit." He couldn't think of any more to say.
Once he got over his discomfort, Tyler appeared to be enjoying Caleb embarrassment.
" This is really all your fault," he explained. "I've already taught you to ski pretty well. If you'd just held up your end of the bargain and taught me to grow, I wouldn't have to be so sensitive about my height!"
"Oh, yeah!" Caleb was relieved by the distraction. "Well, maybe I shouldn't teach you how to grow and just take advantage of your size."
He advanced on Tyler with a menacing grin.
Less than three seconds and a handful of very confusing moves later, Caleb found himself lying on the floor, one arm extended painfully above his head. Tyler's crotch was pressed into his face while powerful thighs squeezed the sides of his neck.
' I think I could actually enjoy this,' Caleb decided, 'except I'm starting to have trouble breathing.'
"Tap out!" Tyler prompted him.
'Oh, yeah,' Caleb realized. He started beating a frenetic tattoo on the floor with his free hand.
"What was that?" he gasped, after Tyler helped him back to his feet.
"Brazilian jiu-jitsu," Tyler explained. "I've been studying since I was seven. And I started aikido about three years ago. I kind of needed something more, after. . ." he trailed off.
" Holy shit! That was amazing!" Caleb exclaimed. "You're a menace. I'm sure glad you're on my side!"
He thought for a moment, then felt the need for reassurance.
"You are on my side, aren't you?" Caleb pleaded.
"Yeah," Tyler grinned. "You and Abby are my only friends. I'm definitely on your side!"
"I still need something to call you. Besides Tyler," Caleb explained. "How do you feel about 'Killer'?"
Tyler's face scrunched up and he shook his head.
"What about your middle name?" Caleb wondered.
Tyler was skeptical.
" It's Early," he said. "Not really nickname material."
"Your mother's maiden name?" Caleb asked.
"No. My mother's name was Neeson. She never knew my father's name, so I got hers, too." Tyler explained stoically.
"Oh." Caleb really wasn't sure which of them was better off. Tyler, never even knowing his father's name. Or being stuck with the name of a father that hated him.
"Hey! What about your initials?" Caleb asked. "T-E-N. You look like a 'Ten' to me!"
He realized too late that he might have revealed too much. His resulting blush certainly did.
Tyler eyed him cautiously for several seconds. He appeared to be considering his next question carefully, reluctantly.
"Do you like me that way?" Tyler asked. He seemed to recognize the serious awkwardness of the question a moment later. "I mean, I've kind of noticed some things, heard some things. You know? So I wondered. . ."
It wasn't a question that Caleb was unprepared for. Although he had been hoping to sneak up on it in his own way and at his own time. But he understood there was no way to avoid it and keep Tyler's trust.
"Yeah. I do," he admitted. He tried to bring himself to meet Tyler's eyes, but he really couldn't. "I should have told you weeks ago. I'm gay. And I do like you that way."
Caleb finally looked up. He tried to read the reaction on Tyler's face. But there wasn't much there to read.
" I promise, Tyler," he added, "I'd never try to do anything unless you want to. And I'd never ask you to do anything. Not ever! But I am gay," he found it hard to force the final admission out of his mouth, "And I think you're really hot. I can't help that."
He was surprised by the sly grin the spread across Tyler's face.
"So Abby was right about that sketch," Tyler chuckled.
"There is no naked sketch!" Caleb insisted.
"No. I mean, she thought you had put extra emphasis on my butt," Tyler blushed.
" I didn't!" Caleb was sure that he hadn't. "I just drew what I saw. Like, your butt does look good," it was Caleb's turn to blush scarlet. "But I didn't even think about that when I drew that sketch."
"Abby has issues," he concluded.
Tyler was grinning again.
"Maybe. But she must have noticed something to think you glowed up my butt."
"I just drew what I saw," Caleb insisted. "But I've already told Abby I was gay. And she knows I like you. She was just sharing a personal fantasy with you."
Tyler laughed.
"Well, just to be on the safe side, maybe I'll have you lead on the trails this afternoon."
" Tyler!" Caleb complained. "I promise I won't ever ask you to do anything. And I won't perv on you."
Tyler turned thoughtful.
"I know. I'm sorry I busted you. You're a good friend, Caleb. Really," his expression turned serious, "I don't care that you're gay. And it doesn't bother me at all that you like me. I really like you, too. Just not, you know. . ."
An idea occurred to Caleb.
"Is this going to make you uncomfortable if I sleep over on your birthday?"
Tyler he considered the question thoughtfully.
" It won't. You've already promised that you won't try to do anything. And if you do. . ." he tapped on the table franticly and grinned.
Caleb didn't need the reminder. But he couldn't help himself. He grinned, too.
The boys took a few minutes to get their emotions under control. Caleb helped Tyler prepare sandwiches, then he checked to see if the cocoa was ready.
"So if Early wasn't you mother's name," Caleb wondered, "was it like her mother's name?"
" Ten-and-a-half weeks," Tyler informed him. "Early. Plus the whole thing about being born on the first day of the year. My mom was pretty young when I was born." He shrugged as if that might explain something.
The conversation turned deeper into self-revelation.
Caleb explained about living alone with his mother.
"My father hates me. Because I'm gay."
Tyler nodded. It didn't make sense to him, but he knew that some people were like that.
Caleb explained his over-reaction to Abby's enthusiastic massage. Or at least he hinted that his vulnerability and her enthusiasm had reminded him of some bad experiences in his past.
Tyler nodded again. He allowed that he had felt uncomfortable in the situation, too.
They returned to their skis once they were through eating. But the thirty minutes of conversation gave each the opportunity to expose a little more of their past to the other, to make themselves a little more vulnerable. It allowed them to demonstrate trust and strengthen friendship.
" Abby!" For a rare occasion, Caleb had initiated their call. "Why did you tell Tyler that I glowed up his butt in that sketch I made of him?"
She started laughing hysterically.
"Glowed up his butt?!!! I never told him that! I just pointed out what a good job you did 'capturing its essence'," she snickered.
"I don't care how you phrased it, I told you that I just drew what I saw," Caleb reminded her firmly.
"I was only trying to help," she assured him. "I thought you'd appreciate it if I reminded him of the things you could do with his butt."
She almost strangled trying to contain an eruption of laughter.
" I don't want to do anything to his butt!"
My god, I can't believe I'm having this conversation, Caleb thought.
"We talked today. I told him that I'm gay. He told me that he isn't. But we're still friends," he added. "He's actually interested in you. Would you want me reminding him of the things you could do to his butt?"
"Yes!" Abby's enthusiastic screech almost deafened him. "Please do!"
" Okay," her response left Caleb nonplussed. "I guess I can. But please, no more talk about me and sex with Tyler. . . Or with anyone," he added. "Please."
Caleb wasn't entirely sure what to add to the conversation. But he did want to reinforce another point.
"What we did yesterday. The massage," he reminded her. "I know you didn't intend anything, but it still made me very uncomfortable."
"What's the big deal?" she wondered. "People like your body. It's flattering!"
"It's my body." Caleb thought that should be pointed out. "It isn't about what other people like or want. It's about how it makes me feel."
" But I couldn't help myself," Abby explained. "What I saw you in your panties, how could I resist thinking about what was inside them?"
"They aren't panties!" Caleb shrieked. Belatedly, he hoped that his mother had the volume turned up on the television. "They're bikini briefs," he insisted sternly. "And I wouldn't have let anyone see me in them if it wasn't for your delicate fingers."
The conversation felt contentious, but somehow Caleb sensed that Abby was really enjoying herself.
" I'm an artist," she insisted. "Bare skin is the only medium I can use to express myself."
That just felt creepy to Caleb.
"Besides, you should have seen how that other artist was eyeing your butt," Abby cackled. "He almost wet himself when I suggested he take a picture."
"Abby! That was cruel!" Caleb felt injured on Tyler's behalf. "I know your life has been different from ours, but both Tyler and I have been through some things that really affected us badly."
And for a moment, he really didn't regret that might have triggered her guilt.
" You have no idea how it made me feel to be so exposed and then have you suggest taking a picture."
"So why didn't you just get up and leave?" she wondered.
"I tried. You pushed me back down. I was exhausted, my legs hurt, and past experience has taught me that I'm helpless to stop bad things that are happening to me."
He sighed. "Someday I'll tell you the whole story. But for now, just know that feeling so vulnerable, and then the mention of taking a picture of me, really freaked me out."
He could hear the gears turning in her head at the other end of the connection.
"Don't try to figure it out, Abby. Please. Respect that it's easy for me to be hurt. Easy for both me and Tyler," he added. "Please. We've had experiences that make us more vulnerable than most guys. If you assume we can just handle the same things that other guys can, you'll put us in situations that are really upsetting."
He decided to take a chance and reveal more than he had shared with anyone, except his mother.
" Something happened to me when I was in eighth grade. I was betrayed by friends. They didn't realize what they were doing to me. They thought it was fun. They convinced me that it would be fun. But two years later and I'm still seeing a therapist. Two years!"
And that did appear to get her attention.
" Next time you want to say or do something personal to me, think about how you'd feel if a group of random guys were leering at you; maybe trying to feel you up. It's almost the same thing for me. Even with friends, if things go too fast. Because experience taught me that I can't always trust my friends."
He could sense that Abby wanted to say something cute to defuse the tension. He was grateful when she didn't.
Tyler showed up at Caleb's home at his usual time Tuesday morning. Instead of immediately leading them off onto the ski trails, he consulted with Caleb about a plan for the day.
" I thought we could ski over to my house and spend the day there," Tyler suggested. "You'll still get twenty kilometers in on your skis, but this would give us a chance to do something different."
Caleb's first reaction was enthusiastic. He liked learning to ski. And he liked skiing with Tyler. He enjoyed spending time appreciating the natural beauty of southeastern Vermont with him. But he had been thinking about finding other things that they would enjoy doing together, too. A few hours just chilling out might allow them to discover other interests that they shared.
" Just one thing," Caleb was brought up short by the thought. "It might not be a good idea to stop at Abby's house. We had a pretty serious talk last night. I think we could both use a day or two apart to think about things before we get together again."
Tyler squirmed uncomfortably.
"I, uh, talked to Abby last night," he admitted. "She kind of told me a little bit about what you said."
He couldn't bring himself to look at Caleb.
" I hope you don't mind. I thought maybe I could show you some jiu-jitsu today, just an introduction. If you like it," he took a deep breath, "It helps me feel more self-confident, knowing I can protect myself. Maybe you'd feel better, like maybe safer, if you learned jiu-jitsu or aikido."
Tyler looked deeply embarrassed. Caleb wasn't sure why, but he thought that maybe his friend was worried that he had intruded too deeply into Caleb's personal business.
As he thought about it, Caleb didn't mind Tyler's interest at all. He wasn't sure he would pursue martial arts, but it could be fun to try. And Tyler had already proved himself a capable teacher.
"You might want to bring a t-shirt and shorts," Tyler suggested. "They're more comfortable than your regular clothes for grappling. And, uh, I figure they're better than. . ." he blushed a deep shade of crimson.
It took Caleb a moment to get the point. Then he blushed, too.
" Thanks. Long johns would probably be too hot for a serious workout. I wouldn't mind being in my panties again— that's what Abby called them," he added irritably, "if it's just us. But there's less chance of embarrassment if I'm wearing shorts."
Thinking about the exchange, Caleb realized that he wasn't really conscious of boundaries when he was with Tyler. But there were obviously still areas that could make both of them uncomfortable.
Skiing home with Tyler later than afternoon, Caleb decided that he might really enjoy jiu-jitsu. Tyler had been a patient teacher. He hadn't pushed Caleb. He just discussed principles of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, demonstrated some very basic concepts and moves on Caleb, then allowed Caleb to practice what he had learned on his teacher.
Tyler had even opened up more about his past over lunch, allowing Caleb access to far more sensitive areas than Caleb would have pried into on his own. Tyler talked about growing up an undersized child in a small town, where everyone knew the unfortunate story of his conception and birth. He talked about his mother's abandonment by her family, and how hard Grace had struggled to bring up her son and provide what he needed. And in what Caleb suspected was an extremely uncomfortable revelation for Tyler, he had even shared some of his hopes for the future.
That conversation felt like Tyler was taking their friendship to another level. He already trusted Caleb with who he had been and who he was. Now he trusted him with who he hoped to become, making himself more vulnerable. As someone who had his own issues trusting other people, for Caleb, Tyler's trust in him was deeply affecting.
Thinking over the time they had spent together, Caleb discovered that he was more attracted to Tyler than he had ever been. More surprising, thinking about their day, including several hours spent in close physical contact with each other, the attraction he was feeling wasn't sexual. It wasn't even physical. He was drawn to something that satisfied no physical need. It would feed a hunger in his soul.
Caleb was disappointed that the sun was already so low in the sky when they arrived at his home. He invited Tyler in for a quick coffee. But they only had a few minutes before Tyler would have to turn around and head for home.
"Thanks for sharing so much with me today." The sentiment felt inadequate to Caleb. "I think I'm going to like jiu-jitsu. But I'm really grateful that you trusted me enough to share so much about yourself."
It was enough sentiment to make Tyler uncomfortable.
"I had my selfish reasons," he confessed. "I've been a long time without a friend. I really want you to be my friend."
Neither boy could look at the other after such a frank admission.
Caleb's instinct was to reach out and take Tyler's hand, but he understood that would disrupt the trust was growing between them.
"I feel the same way," Caleb breathed. "I haven't had anyone for two years. And even those friends. . ." he couldn't finish the thought. "They weren't real friends," he concluded.
" I want to share some of my secrets, too. Friends should share. And it helps to keep us. . . equal." It was a difficult concept to explain. "Neither of us should give more than we take. I just don't know what you'd like to know about me."
"Well, aside from whether it was you or your mother that picked out those panties. . ." Tyler grinned and Caleb actually appreciated his effort to lighten an emotional moment. Tyler pondered, "I guess it's probably too soon for you to tell me about something really big. Like I know that something happened in your past that you don't want to talk to anyone about."
" I will tell you about it, Tyler. I even want to tell you about it. But," he glanced away, "I'm just not ready to explain that yet. Even my therapist has trouble getting me to talk about that, and I know that my mom is paying her by the hour." He smiled awkwardly.
Tyler nodded like that big an emotional barrier was something he could relate to.
"There is one thing. It's kind of weird," he shifted in his chair uncomfortably.
Caleb gestured encouragingly. He tried to make his expression inviting, but Tyler still struggled to find the right words.
" You were asking about my panties," Caleb reminded him. "How much worse can any question be?"
And that did help to loosen Tyler up.
"It's just that I've never known anyone that's gay before," he explained. "I'm just trying to figure it out. Like how do you become gay? How do you know you're gay? What attracts you to guys? And, you know, what do guys do?"
He cringed when the last question registered. But Caleb didn't look uncomfortable.
" The first part is easy," he explained. "You parents have to register you for it at birth. So there's no danger that you're going to become gay now."
Caleb had a hard time keeping a neutral expression as he watched the shock and confusion compete on Tyler's face.
"Kidding, dude," he apologized. "As far as I know, you're either born gay or you're not. I never had anything weird happen in my life. I just suddenly started noticing boys, how they looked, what I liked about them. And when I realized that I really wasn't noticing those things about girls, I kind of figured it out."
Caleb almost burst out laughing at Tyler's expression of relief. But he didn't want to embarrass his friend.
"To tell you the truth, I really don't know much about being gay. Just what I've read, mostly. I've never done anything with anybody. What Abby did to me yesterday was the closest I've come to sex in my entire life.
"And that was with a girl. So it doesn't really count," he had to clarify.
"That was the closest I've ever come, too," Tyler reassured him. "And it was with a guy and a girl!"
His eyes widened comically. But Caleb was pretty sure that he was trying to be funny.
"I can tell you what I find attractive in guys," Caleb offered. "But I just want you to remember that I find you attractive. Is it going to be weird talking about that if you think that some of what I say is about you?"
Tyler considered the problem for a minute.
" Not really, I guess," he decided. "You've promised you aren't going to try to get me to do anything. So I think maybe it's just flattering to know that there are thing you like about me. It doesn't have to be creepy. Besides," he grinned, "I've seen you in your panties. So just think about that before you say too much!"
"That's not a deterrent," Caleb pointed out. "Besides, I've seen you in your boxer briefs."
Tyler flushed for a moment, but he struggled manfully to hold serve.
"So did you like what you saw?" he smirked.
Caleb took a deep breath.
" Yeah, Tyler. I liked what I saw. I really liked it," he glanced quickly at Tyler to make sure he wasn't too upset by that revelation. "That's usually the first thing that attracts me to a guy; the way he looks. I notice eyes. I notice smiles. I notice bodies."
"Butts?" Tyler asked with a sly grin.
Caleb reddened and nodded.
"I know it's shallow, but I do notice how guys look. Sometimes it's the way their voice sounds, or a scent. But looks do grab my attention.
" But once a guy gets my attention, I notice other things. Like self-confidence. How a person carries himself tells you a lot about them. And it's not always, confident equals attractive and shy and awkward is unattractive. It's different for each person. I just know that I notice how a person presents himself. It gives me clues about who they are."
Caleb noticed that Tyler was listening attentively. He didn't seem bored or disgusted by Caleb's explanation. He was just curious.
" What's really important is finding out what sort of person someone is," Caleb continued. "I like smart people. I like people who share my interests. But the most important thing to learn about a person is whether they try to do the right thing. Are they kind? I want to know whether they care about other people, animals, the environment, the future, or if they just care about themselves. I mean, those are qualities I want to find in all my friends. But it's especially important when I'm looking for a friend to share my life with; to share myself with." He blushed.
Tyler was still listening attentively, but Caleb began to have second thoughts about the final part of his presentation. After talking about physical attraction, and reminding Tyler that he was physically attracted to him, he thought it might not be such a good idea to talk about how to integrate those attractive physical parts with his own. The whole idea felt extremely awkward.
" I'm really not sure how much I can tell you about what gay guys do together," Caleb equivocated. "I've never done anything. I mean, I know that guys help each other get off," he thought that he should acknowledge that much, "but I don't know any more about it than that."
Tyler kept watching him with curiosity.
"I figure that guys must kiss," Caleb added. "Hands. I've hear mouths," he started to point toward Tyler's groin, then hurriedly redirected the gesture toward himself. "Whatever two guys want to do to make each other feel good, I guess. Like guys and girls," he concluded lamely.
"So two guys isn't really all that much different from a guy and a girl?" Tyler attempted to sum up the lesson.
" Sort of," Caleb said. "I mean, the parts are different. I guess a big difference is the emotional connection two guys form. I think that's probably different from forming that sort of connection with a girl."
Tyler nodded thoughtfully.
As he slipped his boots into his ski bindings and grabbed his poles, Tyler asked, "Should we go to my place again tomorrow? We could do more jiu-jitsu. Or I could introduce you to aikido."
"Yeah. That sounds cool!" Caleb brightened. "I'll be ready!"
"I think I'm going to like having a gay friend," Tyler announced abruptly. "Normal people haven't really been nice to me a lot of the time. You are. You're a good person, Caleb."
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