Not Gay

by Sam the Ham

Moving sucked. It had been like dying in the way, I lost my friends and my place in the world. My new school was different, but it was pretty hard to say how. People talked about the same things, but not in the same way. Maybe it was just because I was on the outside looking in. I haven't exactly been popular at my old school, but I had a group of friends and the girls had thought I was cute. Not in the way that they wanted to go out with me; I was more cute, like a puppy. At least it happened somehow, which was much better than what I had now. Now I was mostly just ignored, even though I stuck out like a sore thumb being the shortest kid by a head. I looked two or three years younger than I was and,judging by how tall my parents were, I didn't think I had much growing potential.

I really don't know what to do. I had grown up with my other classmates and had known most of them. Here everyone was a stranger and no one seemed particularly interested in getting to know me. The kids that did talk to me were the outcasts. That was Alexander, as he liked to be called. He was annoying, but I figured out he didn't realize that. He had this habit of talking about things that nobody cared about. It was hard to have a conversation with them but if you just sat there and listened sometimes it was like having one. I guess that was better than Jack who didn't really say much of anything. I don't know if he was on drugs or what but he spoke softly and sometimes I got the impression I was bothering him when I try to talk to him. I genuinely think both would have been happy if I didn't try to talk to them at all.

In a class number of just under 200 those were the only two I could talk to regularly. I guess one of the advantages of being short is you tend not to get picked on. At least I didn't. Sure someone would call me shorty or sometimes bump into me and say they didn't see me there. Of the two things, only the latter one bothered me. I wasn't that short. Of course, even my little brother and managed to grow a little taller than me. That fact irritated me. He had done a lot better, being good at soccer. I've got dysgraphia and even tying my shoes is hard and requires a lot of thought. I'm not good at sports, which closed off that opportunity to meet people.

So for the most part, I was pushed to the edge, the outsider looking in, and that was how I started to hatch a plan. After a month of being lonely, I was getting desperate; I wanted into a group. I never realized how socially awkward I was until I had to make new friends. It was a logic problem really. How can I get myself into a group? Getting in through sports wasn't an option so I needed to find another way to make a connection. It took me some time but I think I finally found someone I could approach.

Mason was popular. He was a basketball player and definitely one of the stars of the team. He was tall, blond, popular and gay. It was the last part that interested to me. I'm not gay but by this point, I was desperate enough to imply it. It wasn't a thing that seemed to get you bullied at least here. Mason had made no secret of wanting a boyfriend. So I stayed after school on the same day they have practice. I went to a meeting of the chess club, which was always looking for new members. My dad had taught me the game but I wasn't particularly good at it and didn't have any particular interest in it. There were five members in the club, most older than me, and all with the much more keener passion for the game than myself. Really it was just an excuse to stay. I headed to the gym a few minutes before the late buses were set to leave. It was empty but the locker room was still open and a few boys wandered out. I hung back and was ignored. Mason was one of the last kids out. He was talking to another boy. For a moment I was about to abort, but the other boy noticed me and pointed me out to Mason.

"You lost, little guy?" Mason called out.

I felt my cheeks blush. Yeah, I did look younger but we share two classes, I had hoped he would at least recognize me. "No, I...I was hoping to talk to you."

Mason looked a little confused and came closer to me his friend hanging back. I walked over to Mason and there seem to be some recognition. "Oh, you're the new kid, sorry I didn't recognize you at first."

A month at the school and I was still the new kid. "It's okay. I was hoping to talk to you." I realized I was repeating myself.

"Yeah, you said that. What can I do for you?" Mason said with a little smile.

"Well, I heard I mean I know that you're gay." My voice sounded a little higher pitch than usual as I squeaked out the words.

"That's right." Mason sounded a little hesitant at least to my ears.

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to come over or maybe I could come over or you know just something. I mean I guess there's the mall too. Maybe we could meet there or..."

"Are you asking me out?" Mason sounded genuinely puzzled.

"Um, trying to," I said meekly.

Mason seemed to stare at me for a long time and then he smiled. His face was built for smiling. "Sure, why not? What's your number I'll text you we can set something up."

We exchanged numbers and then there was a shout from the coach about not missing the late bus and we both ran to catch it. I didn't really want to lead him along. It would have been too awkward just to walk up to someone say can I be your friend. The dating thing was just an excuse to get to know each other more. After a few times, I could just tell him I was confused or didn't think I was ready or something like that. I just wanted a friend and he had a big group of friends.

I was doing my homework when I received the first text. "Hey, this is so embarrassing, but I can't remember your name."

I sent back. "It's okay, I don't think I said it. I am Martin."

"Okay Martin, well you are kind of cute. How do you want to do this?"

I had to think for a minute. "Nobody in my family really knows. Honestly, I'm not really sure myself. Can we keep it low-key?"

"Sure, if I come over to your place I won't put on a dress and wear makeup."

My stomach twisted. "Is that what you're into?"

"No, it was a joke. I'm a little nervous, I've never been on a date before."

"Same. Maybe you could come over and we could watch something on Netflix or play some video games?"

"Sounds like a good time. Is Saturday afternoon okay? I have a game in the morning but it's local."

"Sure, so my place?"

We ironed out the details. Unless I had something planned with my parents they were pretty good with letting me have friends over. I only told them about it afterward at dinner. My brother had made some plans with his friends so he would be out of the way. My parents couldn't promise anything, but I wasn't expecting them too. That night we texted a little more and that Friday morning we briefly talked at school. I thought things were going well. I woke up Saturday morning feeling a little nervous. I was going to be on a date with another boy. It was weird. Maybe I felt a little guilty too. Mason was nice, funny and obviously excited. I was using him and I told myself I would make it up to him somehow.

Our date actually went fairly well. He showed up his hair still wet from the shower all smiles. It took us only a few seconds to agree on what to watch. It was one of Netflix originals we had both seen and agreed it was worth watching again. We talked over it and Mason was pretty funny. He had good timing and even though the show was a little funny he made it hilarious. After that, we played some video games and had lunch. Mason was polite and nice to my mom, but I think that's just how he was. I wanted him as a friend.

When he was going to leave I walked with him to the front door. His mom was waiting outside and my mother had gone out to say hi. She always liked to meet my friend's parents. We stood there in the first awkward moment of the day. Mason was smiling but shifting around a little and I just couldn't look him in the eye.

"I had a good time." He said.

"Me too."

"I would like to give you a kiss goodbye."

I nodded not really wanting to. For a second we just stood there and then he came closer. It took a lot of effort to look up at him and I was definitely looking up. He was easily more than a head taller than me and when I felt his hand on my shoulder I felt very small. The kiss was a kiss I guess. I guess it was my first kiss outside of the family and I just put my lips in contact with his. He seemed to like it and when he finally broke it. He smiled down at me and said, "I would like to do this again. Not sure if I'm supposed to say that. Want to join me for lunch Monday at school? We could sit with my friends or we can all try to find a spot alone?"

"I wouldn't mind meeting with your friends," I said jumping at the opportunity. It was what I was hoping for after all.

Monday went well. With Mason is my introduction to the group it was a lot easier to start a conversation. The group was not sports heavy which had been a concern of mine. In fact, they were pretty well-rounded and it was easy to jump into the conversation when it turned to things like TV shows, video games or weird facts. I always liked those videos on YouTube. The top 10 weird facts about World War 1 and things like that. There was actually a pair of twins, Jackson and Ashley, who introduced me to a game. Using our phones we went to Wikipedia and picked a starting spot. From there everyone will try to get to another spot on Wikipedia in the fewest amount of clicks. So we would have to find the connections between oranges and Vikings. It's weird how things connect.

By the middle of the week, I was actually looking forward to school again. School is very lonely and very boring without friends. When that Friday came around Mason asked me to come over and hang out with the group. Mason and I had been texting the entire week and I thought we were becoming friends. It was a little awkward when he would text me things like "You're so cute when you smile" and "You have amazing eyes."I was going to have to break up with him. I just needed to figure out a way to do it where we could still be friends. I didn't want to lose all my progress.

When I showed up at his place on Friday I was going to tell him at the end of the night. Well, that was my plan at least. I guess it was a bit closer to being a party since there were a few more people there than just the usual group. I was strangely nervous. There were more or less two things going on at once; Mario Party and a board game I've never heard of called Axis and Allies. It was a strategy game and took a long time to play. I sat next to Mason at first just learning the rules. At one point Mason had to roll a couple of ones. He managed to get two of the dice out of the three. His reaction to this was to give me a hug and then a kiss on the cheek. "You're like my little good-luck charm. My little boyfriend."

A couple of people laughed a little, but I felt like I was suddenly in the spotlight. I had intended to keep it a secret. I told him I wanted to be subtle. He tried to keep his one arm around me, but I stood up and push the arm off. I took off heading for the front door my face feeling like it was burning with embarrassment. I heard someone coming after me and I knew it was Mason even before he called out my name.

"Martin, what's wrong?"

The entryway was dark and I was looking around for my shoes, but it was hard to find them in the pile. "Where's the light?" I demanded.

The lights turned on. "Are you upset because I called you little?" Mason asked. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that I know how you feel about it."

I bit my lower lip I didn't really want to say, but there was something in his voice that compelled me to answer. If I didn't it would be like kicking a puppy or something just wrong. "I asked you if we could be subtle. Kissing me and calling me your boyfriend isn't subtle."

Mason opened his mouth and then closed it looking like he was trying to eat as look for a second. "I'm sorry. I thought you meant to be subtle around your parents. I told them a while ago. Nobody cares. They like you. Please don't go."

My heart felt like it was going to stop for second learning that everyone that been thinking, knowing we were dating. That wasn't how I had intended for this to go at all. In the back of my head, I realize this would be a great opportunity to break up. I haven't done anything wrong so I could ask to be friends still. Of course, I didn't. If I pretended to be mad and broke up with them then his friends may not be so forgiving. At least that's what I told myself.

"I really wish you hadn't done that."

"Martin I'm sorry. You know how it is when you get good news you want to tell your friends. I misunderstood."

So, I was good news? I had never thought of myself that way. "I know you wouldn't have. I guess I should have said it better."

Mason smiled. "So can we say our first fight is over?" he said sounding hopeful.

A fight in a relationship that wasn't real; I don't think I ever felt so bad about forgiving someone. I want back but eventually drifted over to play Mario Party. Before I left Mason pulled me aside again and gave me another kiss. I kissed back just to show there were no hard feelings. I was actually getting to like kissing.

For the next two weeks, things went well. I was trying to make a few friends outside of the group, but they were just extensions of friendships I have made within the group. I was happy. The only problem was Mason. The thing is, I like Mason as a friend. He was funny and our tastes lined up on a lot of things. I wish we could just be friends. I feel bad that I wasn't what he wanted. I started being a bit more enthusiastic about kissing and even did it in front of our friends, trying to relieve my guilt.

We were at my place and we were sitting on the couch side by side. It was big enough that we could spread out, but Mason liked to be near me. It wasn't worth fighting about and having an arm around you isn't the worst thing in the world. I was actually getting pretty bored with the movie when Mason leaned down and kissed me suddenly. He did that sometimes, just a kiss out of nowhere, and I pushed back a little. That should have been the end of it and maybe if I was more interest in the movie it would have been. I could feel him start to lean against me and slowly found myself being pushed down. I broke the kiss.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Mason gave a little chuckle but it was one of those nervous ones. "Trying to make out with my boyfriend."

He shifted a little and I think you did it consciously because I felt something pressing against me. It was obvious what it was and I blushed. "My parents will be back." It was the first thing I could think of.

Mason made a sound but got off with me. "I'm sorry. I thought, I thought you were ready to go farther."

I briefly wondered how he got that impression. I tried to think of anything I might have done but came up blank. Maybe he was just reading what he wanted to see. I guess the fact that I had been able to deceive him for this long what's the testimony to self-delusion. All of my insides felt cold after that thought and I sat up feeling a little nauseous.

"I don't want my parents to know." That wasn't a lie, but it also was.

"I know, I'm sorry."

That could have been the end of it. It should have been the end of it, but I opened my mouth. "My brother has a game tomorrow. My parents are going. I can find a reason not to."

Mason was silent for a moment. "Are you sure?"

I gave a little nod and he gave me a kiss on the lips.

Why is it that I don't know. I could have just let it be. Maybe if I kept putting Mason off he would eventually get bored or frustrated. I didn't want to lose him as a friend, but I didn't want to hurt him. If he got angry at me, well I guess that would be right. When he left I looked up making out online. There's a wikiHow page about it and I read it. Why was I doing this? It was wrong to let Mason some think we were something when we weren't. Maybe if I give him a little of what he wanted I wouldn't feel so bad. He was a good friend and I'm sure he would be a good boyfriend to somebody who was interested.

Making up excuses to miss the game was a little harder. I actually didn't mind my brother and I know he liked when we were there to watch him. So I approached him first explaining I wanted to spend some alone time with a friend who was having a little trouble. He immediately agreed that I should do that. He's good like that. The two of us explained it to our parents and I was left wondering why I lie to everyone I cared about. I was a shitty person.

The next day I waited and paced as my brother got ready to go. It was a little easier not to think about it when someone was around there to talk too, but once they were gone I felt like I could rub my skin off. Mason rang the doorbell and when I answered it he was all smiles. I could see his bike resting up against the house. I guess he couldn't swing a ride.

"I tried texting you, I wasn't sure if we were still on," Mason said with a little smile.

"Sorry, I forgot my phone in my room. Guess I'm just nervous." I laughed.

"I promise I won't bite, well unless that's your thing?"

I snorted. "It's not."

"Noted, anyways what do you want to do? I mean I kind of don't feel like getting right to it you know?" Mason said with a little shrug.

"Why don't we just watch something for a bit?" My stomach was full of butterflies. I was doing this for Mason no other reason. He deserved it.

"All right," Mason said moving over to the couch.

He asked me what I wanted to watch and I just said, "Pick something."

We took up our usual spots and I watch the movie not really sure if I should make the first move. The article I had read was about a boy-girl making out and I wasn't sure if I was one or the other. When I felt his arm go around me I shipped my weight and leaned into him. Our heads rested against each other for a moment then I felt him moving forward so I tilted my head back and let him kiss me. I opened my mouth slightly and felt the tip of his tongue brush up against my teeth. I tried to wrap my arms around him and he did likewise. Slowly I felt myself being pushed down onto the couch my head resting against the armrest. He kept kissing and we had to reposition our legs. I swung my legs up and he straddled them kissing me the entire time.

I felt his hand go down to my crotch and press against it. I squirmed but try not to resist. Surprisingly after feeling his hand on it, I found myself getting hard. I feel embarrassed as his two fingers on either side of my erection as he pushed his palm down and I let out a moan. He kept kissing me even as his hands slowly moved up and down against my crotch and after about a minute or so he finally broke the kiss.

"Martin, please let me suck you. You don't have to do it to me, but I want to right now so badly. Please."

Mason's voice was pleading and I doubt any guy could turn it down. "Okay," I said with a little nod before wondering what he would think. I hadn't really compared myself to others. I barely have any hair and wasn't even sure if I was shooting anything yet. I tended to do it in the shower with my eyes closed not really thinking about anything. Of course, I didn't have anything to fear. Even if I was small I doubted Mason would know and I doubt it even more that he would mention it. It was weird feeling my pants pulled down and even weirder when my crotch was exposed to the air.

"It's beautiful," Mason said quietly.

I laughed a little nervously. "Well if you like it so much why don't you kiss it."

I should have guessed you would. The feeling of Mason's lips on my erection was something else. The first thing he did was actually kiss it right on the shaft and pushed it against my belly. I felt him move upwards his nose sliding along it is lips dragging after. When he opened his mouth the warmth I felt surrounding it was nice. I vaguely wondered if he had read about it online like I had looked up making out or was it all just natural to him. I guess my actual interest in sex was pretty nonexistent. Still getting sucked, yeah that was amazing. I felt guilty feeling coming and I told him I was going to and Mason didn't get off. I think I felt something come out, it was hard to tell. Mason's tongue licked against the tip of my erection before he sat up with his butt resting against my knee.

"I don't think I'll put it on a salad, but I could get used to that," Mason said smacking his lips.

I cover my face with my hands. "You're too much."

"You know, you might be the first boyfriend ever to hear they'll be getting a lot more BJ and not be excited by it," he said leaning forward a little letting one of his arms rest against the couch.

I stared up at Mason and felt something akin to panic. I started to push away from the couch trying to get off. I didn't realize that when Mason had repositioned himself, one of his legs have gone between my spread legs so that when I slid off the couch my pants and underwear stayed behind along with one of my socks. I quickly got to my feet realizing I was naked from the waist down. It should have been embarrassing, but he had already seen my front.

Turning away from him I'm sure he had a good view of my butt. I walked over to the window that looked over the backyard just not wanting to look at him at the moment. The blowjob had been great. I just, I just didn't know.

"Martin?"

Mason sounded concerned and that just made my stomach feel worse. I'm sure this isn't how he would expect his first time to go. It just made me feel worst to know I was ruining it for him.

I heard him come closer and I felt arms wrap around to me. He pulled me towards him. I wanted to pull away. I also didn't want to pull away. He was able to rest his chin on my head. I kept my eyes down at the floor seeing my feet next to his. I really was small. My bare foot barely reached to his toes.

"Martin if you don't tell me what's wrong I can't do anything about it. Just tell me. Did I do something wrong?"

Knowing Mason was starting to worry just made me feel worse so I finally said it. "I don't think I'm gay." Suddenly there was a huge change, like he was shocked. However, I had more to say. "I don't think I'm straight either. I don't think I'm bi or anything." it was easy to step away from the hug but a lot harder to turn to face him. "I know you're good looking. Really, you could be a model I bet. I know Ashley's good-looking too. I just don't think I feel that way towards anyone."

Silence can stretch on for a long time or at least seem too. Empires must have risen and fallen by the time Mason spoke. "Why did you ask me out?"

"Because you wanted a boyfriend. Because I was lonely." I finally spoke the lie that underlined everything and it wasn't enough. "I do like you. If I had to hang out with one person it would be you. You're funny, you're smart and it's not like I don't like the stuff we do. I don't want things to change. I just don't want to lie to you anymore!"

Mason stood there listening to all of it or maybe just some of it. Slowly started to turn and walk away and my heart shattered. I ran in front of him to cut him off and drop to my knees. "Please don't hate me! Please don't go!" I must have looked pretty pathetic, on my knees, pantsless and blubbering. I think Mason might be too nice for his own good. He didn't go. He gave me a hug. He let me cry out all of my confusion and frustration and I think he did a little of that too.

So what happened? I'm sure you want to know at this point. Well, we're together. I've watched a lot of gay porn and straight porn since my little confession and it doesn't do anything for me. I think I'm asexual.

I suck Mason off and I enjoy that. I think it's just different than the way he feels. For me, I enjoy making him feel good and I certainly don't mind feeling good. I never feel the need like he does sometimes. I enjoy it, but I don't need it. I enjoy the intimacy we share. I like when he calls me cute and have no problem dressing up in a way that shows off some of the features he likes. Calf muscles and a tight t-shirt if you must know. I want to make him happy and he makes me happy. I have no problem letting him take naked photos of me, but the ones he gave me in return, well they're not my favorite ones with him. My favorite photo is of us together. It was taken as part of being members of the outdoor club. The two of us hung back on the trail and our friend Thomas snapped a picture of the two of us. Our arms are around each other in a tight embrace with both of us smiling. I'm not gay, but I love the fact that I have a boyfriend.

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