My Freshman Experience

by Joel Young

Chapter 4

Watching Porn with the Guys

Since Adam was in his junior year at Oberlin, and because he lived across campus in Wesley Hall, I didn't run into him often. So, I took my time to think about whether or not I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. Yeah, I had been tremendously turned on when he kissed me, but I was torn. Did I want to give up on my promise to myself to stop having romantic and sexual relationships with guys? Was I willing to accept the consequences of breaking that promise? Did I want to continue seeing Darlene? I was confused. So, doing nothing and making no decisions seemed like the easiest path. At least for now, the status quo was the most comfortable place for me to be.

The next Sunday, Darlene and I went to church together. I enjoyed being with her, and I liked being seen with a girl. It made me feel as if I were a normal, straight guy.

All that all changed, however, when I saw that Adam was in church, too.

Adam was already seated when we arrived. As fate would have it, Darlene chose Adam's pew and sat down next to him.

I questioned how this unlikely and uncomfortable situation could have happened. Was destiny playing around with me for fun? Was God testing me – or sending me a message?

As soon as we sat down, Darlene spoke to Adam. "You sang in the talent show," Darlene said. "You play the guitar very well!"

Adam turned to speak to her, and he gave me a fleeting look acknowledging the irony and awkwardness of the situation. "Thanks," he said. "I'm Adam Criss, and you are…?"

"Darlene," she said. "Darlene Russell. And, this is my friend, Joel."

Adam shook Darlene's hand; then he reached across to shake mine. "Nice to meet you both," he said.

I had difficulty focusing on the service, especially when I heard Adam singing the hymns in his beautiful, rich voice. Whenever I looked to my right, I caught glimpses of his handsome profile with those remarkable eyelashes.

I was relieved when church ended. Darlene and I headed to the cafeteria near Pilgrim Hall for Sunday brunch – probably the best meal of the week. I saw some of Darlene's band friends, and I walked toward their table.

Darlene stopped me. "Let's get a table by ourselves," she said.

I found that quite unusual. Darlene always liked to be part of a group, and she particularly enjoyed the company of her friends in the Marching Band.

We sat down, and Darlene was quiet. I wasn't sure what was going on, so I didn't say anything.

"Joel," Darlene said. "We need to talk."

I knew that those ominous words - spoken by a girl to the boy she's been dating - usually mean that the relationship is in trouble. But, I also knew enough to avoid showing any reaction. I just looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

"I've enjoyed going out with you," she said, confirming my suspicion as to what was coming next. "But, I want . . . to date other guys."

I thought she meant dating me as well as other guys. "Okay," I said. "I understand."

"I'm glad to hear you say that," she said. "I know we've never talked about being exclusive, but I don't want you to be surprised - or upset - when you see me with somebody else."

"It sounds like 'somebody else' already has a name," I said.

Darlene hung her head down momentarily before looking up and saying, "I think it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore."

I was wrong. Darlene wanted to date other guys - instead of me.

I hated ending relationships, and my three previous experiences with breakups flashed across my mind. Breaking up with David, the love of my life, was the worst. We had to separate when he moved thousands of miles away. My relationship with Ben, the director of my high school play, had ended badly when he lied to me and broke a promise he had made. And, when my girlfriend in my senior year got accepted to Princeton, and I didn't, we had broken up so that both of us could start college unencumbered. I had loved Komiko, and I still missed her. I had been hoping that Darlene and I would develop that kind of close relationship.

I wasn't sure how I should respond to Darlene. I certainly wasn't going to try to change her mind. If someone doesn't want to date me anymore, then fine - it's over. I decided to attempt honesty and grace.

"Darlene," I said. "I have to admit that I'm disappointed. You're a great girl, and I enjoy your company. But, we're both young. And, I agree that an exclusive relationship so early in our freshman year is probably not a good idea."

I thought Darlene and I might talk about the situation for a little while longer. So, I was surprised when she said, "I'm going to go sit with the guys from the band. Goodbye, Joel."

She left with her tray, and I found myself sitting in a crowded cafeteria by myself. I had been dumped, and I was self-conscious about being the only person at a table for six. I decided to leave, even though I hadn't taken one bite of my food.

I went back to my room. Mitch wasn't there. I tried to study. My ability to focus came and went over the course of that afternoon. I was distracted from my classwork whenever I thought about Darlene breaking up with me.

I was comforted, however, when I remembered a Bible verse from the Book of John. "Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe in me."

By dinner time, I was doing better. I was okay with Darlene breaking up with me, and I found that I could concentrate on the homework for my religion class.

Mitch still wasn't back when Tom, who lived in the room next to ours, knocked on the door. "Some guys from the floor are going to the sub shop. Do you and Mitch want to come along?" he asked.

I was ravenous after skipping lunch, and a submarine sandwich sounded great.

"I don't know where Mitch is," I answered. "But I'm starving. Let's go!"

I was glad to be with the dorm guys that night. Eating dinner alone after Darlene dumped me would have made me feel like an outcast. So, I enjoyed spending some time with Tom, Asher, and Bill. That night, I was glad to be 'just one of the guys.'

I didn't know Bill very well. He and Asher were roommates. Bill was a freshman. He was maybe 5'9" tall with short, blond hair. Bill wore glasses, and he looked like he needed a shave.

Asher was also a freshman. He was about 6 foot tall and had dark hair. He had a stocky build, a big personality, and a loud voice.

"Did you hear about the porn movie next Friday?" Asher asked me. "We're all going. Want to come – or should I say 'cum' – if you're 'up' for it?" Asher laughed as if he were an adolescent using bad language with his friends for the first time.

"Porn movie?" I asked. "On the Oberlin campus?!?"

Asher rolled his eyes. "The college isn't sponsoring it, Doofus! Some guy on the second floor of Pilgrim Hall has a projector. He's charging a $2.00 admission on Friday night to watch the movie in his room."

I took a moment to think about whether or not I wanted to go.

"You have watched porn before, haven't you?" Asher challenged.

"Of course," I lied. "Yeah, sure. I'll go."

Mitch was in the room when I got back from dinner. I told him about going to the sub shop with Tom, Bill, and Asher. "Sorry you couldn't join us," I said.

"I had dinner with Amy. She's in my Astronomy class," Mitch said. "We've started hanging out."

"That's cool," I said. "You gonna' introduce me to her sometime?"

"Yeah, I thought maybe you and Darlene could go on a double-date with us on Friday night," Mitch said.

I know I should have calmly explained to Mitch that Darlene had broken up with me. But, I felt like being provocative instead. "Sorry," I said. "I'm watching porn that night."

When I saw Mitch's face, I knew I had gotten the reaction I wanted. He looked confused - and shocked. "Whaaaat?!?" he said.

"Porn," I answered. "You know - adult films, nudity, sex, full frontal close-ups, the real deal – nothing held back."

"And just where is this XXX movie being shown?" Mitch asked a bit sarcastically. "The campus theater?"

I explained what I'd heard about the movie. 'So, are your plans with Amy all set, or do you want to go with us?" I asked Mitch.

"Maybe I'll ask Amy out for Saturday night," he said with a grin.

"Great!" I said. "And about double-dating, Darlene broke up with me today. She wants to date other guys."

"Oh, wow! I'm sorry, Joel. You doing okay?" Mitch asked with genuine concern in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered. "Being dumped is never easy, but I'll be okay."

"Well, you know what they say," Mitch offered. "There are plenty of fish in the sea!"

My classes the following week were very challenging – three exams and a paper due. That amount of work in one week was overwhelming – and very stressful. But, I worked hard and did well on all of the tests. And, I was pleased with my paper. By Friday night, I was ready for a change of pace.

Mitch, Bill, Asher, Tom and I decided to go to the porn movie together. When I realized the movie was being shown in room 241, I knew it must be 'A. Tool' who had organized it.

I was very nervous when I paid my $2.00 and went into my old room. "Hey! To and Fro!" Andy said as I walked in the door. "Make sure you keep those gonads in your pants tonight!" I was mortified, but thankfully, no one said anything about Andy's comment to me.

Fifteen or so guys were crowded together in the room. Some of them were sitting on the floor. My group had to stand in the back, leaning against the wall.

"We played this at my frat house last weekend," Andy said as he prepared the projector. "It got great reviews - and inspired lots of action afterward!"

He started the film. Soon, there was hardcore action on the portable projection screen that Andy had set up.

In the first scene, a girl was giving head to a guy with a big, hard penis. She seemed to be very experienced and dedicated to her work. When she finally made the guy cum, a close-up showed his semen running out of her nose. In the second scene, a man told a voluptuous woman that he was going to 'eat her pussy until she came.' He worked diligently – as shown in close-up shots - until he had kept his word. Then, the girl begged the guy to fuck her. He quickly complied and started slamming into her as hard as he possibly could. A few minutes later, he pulled out and jacked-off until he came all over her huge tits.

There were three more scenes - all pretty much the same. The last scene, however, was a threesome with two girls and a guy. We saw the girls taking turns performing oral sex on the man. When they got down to the hardcore action, the guy fucked one girl doggy-style, as the other girl slid underneath her friend and sucked on her tits.

I thought the whole thing was pretty crass. I like romance and love, with physical intimacy inspired by an emotional connection. My idea of sex was not nameless, naked bodies screwing each other without context – and without much dialogue other than the guttural exclamations of 'getting off.'

And yet, I was totally hard and out of breath by the end of the movie.

Leaving the room with all the other guys was uncomfortable. It appeared that everyone was in a condition similar to mine. We avoided all eye contact, and the tension was palpable.

As my group headed downstairs toward our rooms, there was some macho banter that somehow seemed necessary. The comments mostly focused on our admiration of the size of the girls' breasts and how much we all wanted to 'fuck their brains out.' I only participated because I didn't want to seem like the odd man out.

Mitch and I got back to our room, and there was an awkward tension between us. We knew that we were both horny as hell – with no outlet readily available. No pun intended, but I decided to be the bigger man.

"I need some fresh air," I said. "I'll be back in half an hour or so."

"Take your time," Mitch said.

I went to the bathroom at the end of the hall and emptied my bladder. That seemed to make things a little more comfortable. But, I was still worked up and in need of some real relief. I left the building and started walking with no particular destination in mind.

It was cold and misty that night. There was a cloud cover that obscured any view of the moon. The sparsely placed street lights cast a pallid glow across the campus, creating an eerie, fog-like effect. I walked around wishing that I could have just one more night with David – or Komiko – or even Ben for that matter. Hell, I'd even do Darlene or Mitch – if I thought that either one of them had any interest.

Although I thought I was wandering around aimlessly, I found myself in front of Wesley Hall – where Adam lived. I sat on a bench in front of the building trying to decide if I had the nerve to go inside and look for him. When I started feeling uncomfortably damp and cold, I decided I should go inside – just to get warm, of course.

I knew Adam had a single room on the third floor. I headed up the stairs. When I got to Adam's floor, I noticed that all the doors to the rooms were open. Since I didn't know Adam's room number, I started to look around. I walked past one room and saw a guy studying. He turned to look at me, and I realized that it was Sean. I kept walking, and I heard him call out, "Heads up, everybody. We've got a sticky-fingered faggot on the floor!"

I almost turned around and went back to Sean's room to kick the crap out of him! I was done with his accusations! "So what if I get expelled from school?" I thought to myself. "That jerk just crossed the line with me, and I'm not going to take any more of his bullshit!"

Before I could do something stupid, however, I saw Adam. He was in a room, talking with a group of guys. He saw me, and I stopped. "You got a minute, Adam?" I asked, still furious at what Sean had yelled out to everyone on the floor.

Adam excused himself and came out into the hall, gesturing for me to follow him. We went into his room at the end of the corridor. Adam closed the door behind us. I sat on a desk chair, fuming!

"I heard Sean," Adam said. "He was way out of line. Let me take care of it."

I nodded my head, almost unable to speak because of the intense emotions stirring within me. I looked up at Adam, begging him with my eyes to take me into his arms. But instead, he pulled up another chair close to me. He sat and took both of my hands in his, just as he had done in the practice room in the Music building. "Joel, I can tell you need help," Adam said. "What can I do?"

"Would you hold me?" I asked.

Adam let go of my hands and went to his bed. He gestured ever so slightly, inviting me to come over to him. I walked to the bed, and we both sat down. Adam pulled me down so that we were both on our sides. He put his arms around me, and I rested my head on his chest. He started to stroke my hair, and he snuggled in closer. I felt my anger at Sean slowly fading as my desire for Adam grew.

"I know you didn't come here to see Sean. Were you looking for me?" Adam asked.

"Yeah. It's been a horribly stressful and frustrating week," I explained. "And, I just wanted to see you."

"What happened?" Adam asked.

"Darlene and I broke up last Sunday – right after we sat with you in church," I said. "I've been stressed out by all the work my professors are handing out. Then tonight, I watched a porn movie with about fifteen other guys. Afterward, I was going crazy and had to take a walk to – redirect myself. That's how I wound up here. I didn't mean to give Sean another opportunity to insult me. I just wanted to be with you."

"I see," Adam said. "That's a lot to deal with all in one week. Let's take one problem at a time. I'll take care of Sean, so you don't have to worry about him anymore. How are you feeling about breaking up with your girlfriend?"

"I'm not really sure she was ever my girlfriend," I said. "We were dating, but she broke things off with me. I don't like being dumped, but I'm okay with it. Darlene and I had fun together, but we never had a deep connection. My feelings for her are totally different from how I feel about…"

I stopped before I embarrassed myself. I wasn't ready to admit what a compelling connection I felt with Adam. But, I had already said too much, and I was pretty sure Adam knew what I was hesitant to say.

"I'm glad you came to find me, Joel. I think we're good for each other," he said as he kissed the top of my head and held me even tighter than before.

"Okay," he continued. "We've talked about Sean, and that I'll take care of that situation. You've told me about being dumped - but that you're okay with it now. What's going on with your classwork?"

"Well, I had three tests this week. I don't think there are any more coming up soon. I turned in a paper yesterday, so I'm good there. I'm just hoping next week will be a little easier," I said.

"Sounds like you've weathered the worst of that storm, and things will probably lighten up a bit – at least for now," Adam said. "So, let's see. What was the other issue? Oh, yeah. The porn movie! Did it get you all excited and leave you horny?"

"It was creepy," I said. "The picture quality was awful; the sex was crass, and nobody seemed to care about anything other than 'getting off.' It made me feel dirty."

"That sounds pretty bad," Adam said. "But, you didn't answer my question, Joel. Did it make you horny?"

It only took a few moments before I realized I couldn't avoid the awkward truth.

"Oh my God! It really did!" I confessed. "I was so turned on that I could have humped the Pillsbury Dough Girl!"

"Well," Adam commented. "I've felt like that before. But, I would probably go looking for the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Oooooh! Maybe I could shape his dough to my liking!"

"There might not be too much to work with," I teased. "He looks kind of small in those commercials."

"I don't know," Adam pondered out loud. "Have you ever noticed the size of that tube he comes in?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I could picture Adam working diligently to shape a tube of Pillsbury dough to look like a perfectly formed phallus.

We both giggled as we continued to hold each other on Adam's bed. I started to get hard again as I felt the mysterious connection I had with Adam flowing through my veins. Our bodies were close enough together so that Adam could tell that I was getting aroused.

Adam lifted my head so that he could look into my eyes. "Have you thought about us, Joel? And what you want?" Adam asked.

"I'm not sure about anything, Adam," I said. "But, I can't lie to myself anymore. I want to be with you."

"And if we take things to the next level, you won't beat up on yourself for not being totally straight?"

"I think I'd beat up on myself if I didn't let things go to the next level with you," I said.

Adam gave me a big smile. "I'm so glad to hear you say that! I want the same thing – with you," he said.

He repositioned us on the bed so that he was on top of me. He leaned in and kissed me passionately. It felt wonderful - and so exciting that I started shaking! I thought I might have an orgasm right then and there. But my sexual release would not be like those in the porn movie. Adam and I would be exploring the mysterious and undeniable attraction we felt for each other.

Adam ended the kiss and said, "Joel, you're much too worked up. You seem almost frantic. I think - for now – we should just take care of your situation."

Adam unbuttoned my shirt and spread it wide on my chest. He ran his hands over my torso, and he played with my exposed nipples. Adam unbuttoned my jeans, unzipped my fly, and began massaging my cock and balls through my underwear. He started kissing me again, and I couldn't think of anything but riding the intensity of my desire to its desperately needed, explosive conclusion.

Adam moved so that we were side by side. Then, he pulled down my briefs and began stroking me. I was in heaven. I was so horny from watching the porn movie. And, I hadn't been with a guy in more than a year. I was oozing precum which Adam expertly used to lubricate the full length of my painfully erect penis. He kissed my neck, my earlobes, and my face; I started to feel short of breath. His hand was sliding up and down the shaft of my cock - and caressing the head with each stroke. Adam was driving me crazy! I couldn't hold back. I shot thick ropes of cum all over my chest as I tried to stifle a scream. I was delirious. I saw little lights exploding in my field of vision. I lay there, chest heaving, not wanting that moment to end – trying not to regain full conscientiousness for as long as I could avoid it.

Eventually, I felt Adam get up from the bed. He got some tissues and gently cleaned me up as he grinned. "Better?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah!" I said as I let out a big sigh of relief. "I feel like I was just rescued from a torture chamber by my knight in shining armor! How about you let me show you how much better I feel."

"That's going straight to the top of my wishlist," Adam said. "But, we can't stay here right now. Friday game night is going to begin any minute. Everyone on the floor plays, and there is no privacy once the games start. Tonight is poker, but the games vary every week. Why don't we get out of here?"

"Okay," I said as I buttoned my shirt and zipped up my pants. "Where do you want to go?"

Adam sat down beside me and took both of my hands in his. He looked into my eyes. "I want to take you to my cabin."

I really wasn't sure what he was suggesting. "You have a cabin?" I asked.

"It's my family's cabin. It's in Kentucky – but only an hour and a half from here," Adam said. "There's no one there this time of year. We could spend the weekend together. What do you say?"

I was surprised by Adam's suggestion.

"Come on, Joel," Adam said. "You can take some books if you need to study. And I promise that we'll have fun."

I decided to throw caution to the wind. "Well, I guess I do owe you for the fantastic hand-job you just gave me," I said while giving him a devilish smile. "So sure, why not?"

We decided that I'd go back to my dorm and pack a few things. Adam said he'd pick me up in his car in about 30 minutes. I could feel myself getting excited again as I reached the door to leave.

"Joel," Adam said.

I turned to see what he wanted.

"There's something I want to tell you," he said. "But, I don't want you to get mad at me."

I didn't like the sound of that. But, now was a good a time to get any issues out on the table. "Just tell me," I said.

"Really?" he asked. "You won't get mad?"

"I promise not to get mad at you, Adam," I said.

"Okay. I'll tell you, but only because you promised not to get mad."

He paused, and I could see that he was trying not to laugh. Then, he composed himself.

"Damn, Joel," he said. "You really do have some big balls!"

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