Knots, Book 4
by Elias Scott
Derrick and his invitation to come and watch them make movies hounded me the whole week, especially after talking to Matt after we'd both talked to Dr. Walker. Matt said he held some anger toward me because he had sex with me the night he thought I was going to kill myself after I found out about Dillon. He said he resented it because he'd repeatedly warned me about Dillon.
We decided to meet and talk at one of the back tables in Burger King instead of at each other's houses so we wouldn't have our parents or friends interrupting. "Andy, if I hadn't warned you about Dillon, it'd have been different. But I warned you many times, and you ignored me. And then you found out he was having sex with other boys, and then he raped me, so all my warnings came true. But you are my best friend. On one hand I hate you for not listening to my warnings about Dillon, but on the other hand, I love you because you've been my best friend forever and I really care about you. I think they call that kind of feeling ambivalence. You know, when you love and hate at the same time. Dr. Walker talked to me about that. Do you understand?"
"No. What you did that night was your choice, not mine. You didn't have to do what you did, but you did it, and now you blame me because you're a sex addict."
That pissed him off. "I'm not a sex addict. I like sex. I'm sixteen and always horny, but I don't think I'd be this horny if I'd have waited."
"But you didn't."
He paused for a moment. "Okay, let's put this to rest. It was my choice, and yes, I hold some anger, but it wasn't your fault. I can see how once you had sex with Dillon, you weren't any different than me. You wanted as much as you could get and ignored all the warning signs. I apologize and now I need to let go of it. But that doesn't solve the problem of my not wanting to commit. They're two different things. I love you like a brother, and while it sounds a bit kinky, I love having sex with my brother. The idea of you having sex with other guys makes me jealous. How do you feel about me having sex with other people, even girls?"
I paused to think. "I don't think it would bother me as much as it bothers you. I'm not sure why. As long as I knew you were committed to me, I'm not sure it would bother me that much."
He frowned. "Then what the hell do you consider commitment, if it isn't being exclusive?"
"Always being there for each other."
"Don't we already have that?"
He had me there. "Well, uh, I guess so."
A disgusted look crossed his face. "You guess so? Well, for me, commitment means we're exclusive and only have sex with each other. It's kind of like being married."
"But, but, I've heard of a lot of gay couples that have sex with other guys while they're in committed relationships. Hell, porn stars do it all the time."
Our food had been sitting there uneaten through all this, and finally he took a bite out of his burger and a sip of his Pepsi. "First, we're not porn stars and second, I'm not sure how long those relationships last."
I took a sip of my Pepsi. "Speaking of porn stars, I ran into Derrick, and he and Randy are doing porn. He wanted to know if I was interested. I told him no, but I gotta tell you, I was tempted."
"See, this is the problem. How do I know you're not going to run off and do porn? You want me to be in a committed relationship with you, and yet, you've given some thought to doing porn."
I wanted to reach out and grab Matt's hands, but didn't like the idea of doing it in public. "Yes, I'm tempted, but if we were in a committed relationship, I'd never do it. Shit, look at everything that has happened to me already."
Matt shook his head. "Yeah, but I know you. You always do the unexpected. You can't tell me you weren't a little tempted?"
I took a big bite of my burger to get some time to think. "Yeah, I'm tempted. Good money. Safer environment. Hot guys to have sex with. Don't tell me you wouldn't be tempted."
"No I wouldn't," Matt replied. "I'm through with that shit. But I don't think you are. Tell me you are."
I took a sip of my Pepsi. "Uh…"
And before I could say more he said, "See, I knew it."
"You didn't give me a chance to finish."
"I don't need to. The Uh says it all."
That kinda pissed me off. "You didn't let me finish. I was going to say yes, I'm done with it."
He smiled. "Andy, I wonder if you'll ever change. Your uh, said it all. You were thinking, 'Yeah, I'll tell Matt no because I think I'm through with that shit and that's what he wants to hear, but I'm not really sure.' I can tell you're tempted."
"Not if we were in a committed relationship."
"Look, Andy. I think you should be free to do whatever you want as long as we're not in a committed relationship, but if we are in a committed relationship, you have responsibilities to me as I have responsibilities to you. I already know I can't make that commitment, and you're lying to yourself by acting like you can. But by me saying you should be able to do whatever you want, doesn't mean you should be doing porn. You know the kinds of people who would use teens to make porn. You could find yourself in the same shit, and I'd feel like I had to bail you out."
"Fuck you, Matt. You're not my mother or father. It's not your job to bail me out."
He put the tips of his fingers in his Pepsi glass and then flicked them in my face. "Bullshit. We are tied together whether you like it or not. The only other choice would be to end our friendship. Would you want to do that?"
He had me there. The problem I had was I wanted it all. I wanted the sex, the money, Matt, and the freedom to do whatever I wanted, and I guess Matt knew that as well as I did, no matter how deep I tried to bury it and ignore it. I hadn't even mentioned it to Dr. Walker.
"Okay, Matt. I think you're right. Our friendship means more to me than anything else, and if it takes us being just friends, then I'll accept that. But what are you going to do if I do something you disagree with?"
He paused to think, then took a bite of his burger, and stuffed a few French fries into his mouth. "The one thing you can count on, Andy, just like I did with Dillon, is to tell you if I think you're making a mistake. But if you go ahead and do it anyway, and it gets you in trouble, you're going to be on your own. I'll do what I can to help, but it's hard for me to see you screw up your life and then expect me to bail you out. It was one thing when we prostituted together because we were both doing something stupid, but if you decide to do porn, you're on your own."
I scowled at him. "I'm not going to do porn. So relax."
"But I can tell you're thinking about it."
He smiled for some reason. "Don't forget, Andy, I know you. The fact you mentioned Derrick makes me think you're thinking about it."
"I just thought you'd be interested, that's all."
"I'm not, but please stay away from those guys. Promise?"
I paused to take a drink and then said, "Matt, I've never lied to you as far as I know and I won't begin now. So for that reason I won't make a promise."
A smile crossed Matt's face again. He knew me too well. "I can accept that, but you'd better give it your best shot, because as you know, when a person tries to save a drowning man the guy trying to save his life drowns too because the person drowning drags him down with him."
I laughed. "You're beginning to sound like Dr. Walker."
He smiled back. "Thanks! I'll take that as a compliment."
Andy and I had our talk. I'm not sure what came out of it, but at least we talked things out. I was afraid he was going to join Randy doing porn, and I knew that was the wrong thing, but what could I do about it, except maybe talk to his parents or my parents and see what they thought. The idea of it made me feel like a traitor, but sometimes you have to take action to prevent people from making stupid mistakes.
I have to tell you though, that some of this was selfishness on my part because I was afraid Andy would get in over his head and I'd have to bail him out again.
On top of my relationship with Andy, I still had football to contend with. We only had two football games left, and Coach told Frank Kutcher that he was going to play the first half and I was going to play the second half in the game against Washington High. Frank didn't like that and after practice that Wednesday, he got in my face, called me fag and whore and asshole, and anything else he could think of. I stood and let him dribble on until he was done. I knew there was no way he was going to hit me. When he was done, I said, "Frank, I always told you I was better than you and I was going to get your job, and now it's happening."
He moved in closer. "It's only half the game. We'll see what happens on Friday."
"Yeah, I'll probably play most of the game next week if I do better than you this week. So you better shine." Knowing Frank, I figured this would make him more nervous and he'd fuck it up and then I'd shine.
And that's exactly what happened. He started the first half and we couldn't move the ball. He fumbled twice and threw passes that weren't anywhere near the receiver. Washington was ahead 14 to 0 at half-time, so when Coach put me in the second half, the team was happy and so was I. My old confidence was back. When I put my hands under the center's ass, I no longer thought of all the asses I touched and licked. I only thought of the game and what I had to do to lead the team. All the negative thoughts were gone. I didn't fumble once. We moved the ball. We ran and passed the ball down the field and scored our first touchdown on a short pass to Kealan in the end zone.
Our defense seemed to come alive after we scored, and the other team had to punt. We took the ball 65 yards and scored again, making the score 14 to 13 with a minute left in the game. We had a choice of going for the win running or passing the ball and not kicking, or going for a tie by kicking the ball. Coach went for the tie. So the score was 14 to 14 when the regular time ended
Each team got the ball on the other team's 20-yard line and got four chances to score. If you get the ball first and you score, the other team gets the ball and has four downs to score. We got the ball first and didn't score. Washington got four downs, and they didn't score. We scored one touchdown and one extra point on the next four plays. Now all we had to do was hope and pray Washington didn't score. They were on the 6-yardline on their fourth down and decided to pass. We intercepted, and the game was over.
We were all heroes, but I knew I'd probably be starting in the final game against Spartan High.
You give your whole heart to your love and they break it. But you give your broken heart to a friend and they mend it.
Sometimes you have to sacrifice love in order to have friendship.
A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.
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