Knots, Book 4
by Elias Scott
I was relieved when the election was over. Yeah, I'd lost, but I was still alive. Congratulating Billy Martin wasn't nearly as hard as I'd expected. He was a pretty good guy and I thought he'd do a good job. Plus, it was a relief that I didn't have an extra burden to deal with. Of course, I say that now, but it hurt a lot more than I wanted to admit.
After school Andy rolled up to me in his wheelchair. "Bend down and let me give you a hug."
I bent over and he whispered, "Loser."
As soon as he said it, we both started to laugh. We must have looked like two crazy people. Who laughs after losing an election? We got some looks, but I also got some pats on the back with a few saying, "Maybe next time." I wasn't sure if there was going to be a next time, but it felt good to hear them say it. The ironic thing was that while Andy and I roared in laughter, tears were running down my cheeks
I grabbed the handles on the back of Andy's chair and rolled him down the ramp to his van, where his mother was waiting for him.
"Hi, Mrs. Gibson."
She turned back. "Hello, Matt. Andy's getting his cast off today."
A look of surprise crossed my face. "He didn't tell me." I gave him a punch on the shoulder. "That's great, Andy."
He rolled himself up the ramp into the van, spun his chair around and said, "Yeah, I'll soon be back to normal."
I gave him a questioning look. "Can either of us ever get back to normal?"
He gave me a wink "Hell, anything has to be better than being in a wheelchair when your whole body is screaming to free itself to swim at the pond, play basketball and football, and just be able to walk from one place to another without this damn wheelchair." Of course, he and I were both thinking, we'll soon be having sex.
"We're on our way to the doctor now. I'll hobble by your place later."
I wanted to give him a big kiss, but I just patted him on the knee instead. He pressed the red button, the door closed, and I stood there as they drove off. A lonely feeling spread through me as I stood alone watching the van drive away. The only consolation was that I was meeting with Dr. Walker the next day.
My parents were kind and understanding when I told them about the loss.
"Well, at least you gave it a try," my dad said. We're proud of you."
My mom gave me a big hug and I held onto her. "A number of kids came up to me and said, 'Maybe next time.' That made me feel good."
We broke our hug and she asked, "Do you think you'll run for senior class president?"
"I don't know. I'm not going to worry about it now. Anyway, Andy's getting both casts off today, and he's going to come by when he gets home."
"No monkey business," my dad said.
"Come on, Dad. We haven't been together in a long time."
"Yeah, but you know where that got you."
"Dad, we're just going to visit and celebrate his getting his casts off and my losing the election."
"You say that as if you didn't care about losing the election."
"I ran because it was one of your requirements. I never expected to win. But I did as you asked, and it's finally over. Andy's getting his cast off and life might get back to normal. So of course we're celebrating."
My mom gave me a sad look. "Do we get to celebrate too? After all, everything you do affects us in some way. Don't you think we feel your loss and your hurt because of the things you've done? You are a part of us. You don't suffer alone. We suffer together."
"I know, but I already feel guilty. You don't need to make it worse."
"That's not my intention. But it's important that you understand that you are not an island complete unto himself. We are a family and what any one of us does affects all of us. We love you and want what's best for you. You made some terrible mistakes and there were consequences. Your dad and I want to help you deal with the consequences and make sure you don't make more of them, and as you say, tie more knots in your life, our lives, Andy's life, and his family's life."
This sounded more like something my dad would say so I was surprised to hear it from my mom. I must have really hurt her.
I dropped into a chair at the dining room table. "Okay, Mom. I understand. But I really don't want to hear it right now. My life is already bad enough. I know I hurt you and Dad, but it's done and over with. I'm sixteen, and thanks to my own stupidity, have experienced far too much of the real world for a guy my age. But there's no turning back. We can only move forward."
My dad cleared his throat. "You're right, Matt. But what's that mean? Tell us."
My elbow rested on the table. "I don't know. I'm meeting with Dr. Walker tomorrow, and I'll discuss it with him."
My mom gave me a pleading look. "Can't you discuss it with us?"
"I know you love me, but it's easier to talk to Dr. Walker."
"Will you at least let us know a little about what you and Dr. Walker talk about? We'd like to know. He won't talk to us because he respects your privacy."
"That's why it's easier to talk to him. I love you both, but sometimes, especially with what Andy and I did, it's just easier to talk to Dr. Walker. Thanks for making me go and paying for it. It means a lot. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for our talks." I stood and walked over to my mother and gave her another long hug and did the same with my dad, who whispered in my ear. "To us, you'll always be a winner."
I began to cry and managed through the whimpers to say, "Thanks, Dad. It's hard for me to think of myself as a winner, but it means a lot to hear you say it."
Then he added, "Matt, all of us make mistakes and our self-esteem takes a fall. The important thing is that we rise each time we fall. You're doing that now. Your mom and I are both proud of you."
Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised that a few simple words could mean so much, but hearing their concern and their words raised my spirits, and for a while I didn't feel like a loser.
I finally got my casts off. And of course, my first thought was Matt and I could have sex. I'm not sure that should have been my first thought, but it was. It made me wonder what my first thought would have been if we'd have never had sex. It was my first thought, but not my only one. I finally had my mobility back and could actually walk down the halls and to Matt's house. The wheelchair made me feel like I was in prison, but then, I had no one to blame but myself. It seems strange to see me writing this now because there was a time in my life when I wanted to blame everyone else for my problems.
But it is like with Ollie: he blamed everyone for the way they treated him and it wasn't until he was willing to change that everyone treated him differently. Yeah, I know, everyone wants to be an individual, but you know, we're unique just by who we are. We don't have to go out of our way to be different because we are all different. There's enough trouble in the world, so why go out of our way to bring more of it into our lives. Matt and I sure did that.
When I was a little boy I always cried and complained when I got punished for doing something wrong. If something bad happened because of something I did, my grandmother used to say, "You made your bed, now lay in it." I didn't pay much attention back then, but now I understand. I made a bed of shit and now I had to lay in it. Sounds terrible doesn't it. But it pretty much says it all.
I headed over to Matt's after I got home. He looked like he'd been crying when he answered the door.
"I know you're happy I got my casts off, but tears? Come on!" We both laughed.
I guess he and his parents had been in the kitchen talking before I got there. There was a small limp in my walk, but the doctor told me it would eventually go away. Hopefully, it would be the same with the knots we tied. But now that I think of it, knots don't usually come out by themselves. We have to untie them or someone else does. All that laid ahead for Matt and me.
"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Spence."
They nodded. "Hello, Andy."
"I see you're finally walking on your own," Matt's dad said.
"Yep. It feels funny after being in the casts and the wheelchair for so long."
There was a silence for a few seconds and finally I blurted out, "Thanks for suggesting to my parents that we see Dr. Walker. He's been a big help."
"We were just talking about that with Matt," his dad said. "We're curious what you talk about. Matt's pretty tightlipped about it."
"There's not much to tell. He asks us a lot of questions and makes us find the answers. That's about it."
Matt added, "Dr. Walker's good at asking the right questions."
"Like what?" his mom asked.
"He loves asking why, how does that make you feel, and what are you going to do about that? And things like that."
Matt's dad asked, "And how does that make you feel?"
Smiles broke across Matt's and my face.
"Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm trapped in a cage," I said.
"You mean like being in your wheelchair?"
I shook my head and smiled again. "I never thought about it that way, but in a way, yes."
"Well, we're proud of you boys for going and not fighting us. Counseling takes courage," Matt's mom said.
"At first, it did," Matt said. "But now we look forward to going." He glanced at me. "Andy and I are going to my room."
"Just remember to keep the door open," my dad said with a smile.
Matt put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me toward his room while saying, "Yes, Dad. We know the rules."
I stopped and turned around. "Are you going to come and check on us?"
He smiled. "Maybe, so you'd better behave yourselves."
Matt and I grabbed each and pressed our lips together in a long kiss as soon as we got in his room. Our tongues searched for and found each other's as they swirled themselves around like two cocks pressed together. He put his hands under my shirt and rubbed my chest and abs. I rubbed my hand on his hardened cock.
I broke the kiss. "Damn, I'm horny."
"That makes two of us. But what can we do? We're going to have to find some place to go. That old vacant house has been sold, so we're going to have to find somewhere else."
"There's always the park," I said
He released his hold on me. "It's winter, dumbass."
"Who gives a shit? I'm willing to fuck naked in the Antarctic if we have to."
That got a smile out of him. "I guess I am too. We could bring a tent and set up house."
"Yeah, we could call it our fuck tent."
We heard someone clear their throat and looked over and saw Matt's dad standing at the door. "Did I hear something about a tent?"
"No, Mr. Spence. We were talking about how much rent would be if we got a place of our own after we graduate."
He shook his head. "You two are only juniors. It's a little early to be thinking about that stuff, isn't it?"
"We like to plan ahead," I said.
"You guys have a reputation for planning ahead. The only problem is you don't consider the consequences. Maybe that's just part of being a teenager. But you are moving toward adulthood and maybe you should start thinking like adults."
Matt sat on his bed. "You know, Dad, there are a hell of a lot of adults who don't set a very good example. You and Mom don't happen to be one of them, but you see the news and the stupid things adults do all the time. Maybe that's the problem. Everyone loves blaming young people like us, when part of the problem is the bad example the same adults who complain, set by their own actions."
He walked over and sat at my desk. "I think you're right."
Matt and I looked at each other, thinking that he was planning on camping out in his room. Then he said, "Sorry, I know you guys want to be by yourselves." He got up and walked out.
So there Andy and I were, alone in my room, horny as hell, and afraid to do anything.
"Do you think he was suspicious about the tent?" I asked.
"Probably. He knows us pretty well by now."
"Shit. What are we going to do?"
Andy came and sat on the bed next to me. "Why don't we lay on your bed and make out?"
"My dad could still walk in."
"Yeah, but he knows everything about us, and I don't think he'll care if we're making out. We can keep our shirts on and put our hands underneath."
"Yeah, but I want more."
"Me too. I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you in the mouth and in the ass. I want to rub my hands all over your fine body and lick and suck you all over."
"Stop that shit. I'm so horny I'm ready to cum just hearing you talk about it."
"Hey, I'm just telling you how I feel. Dr. Walker would be proud."
Andy put his hand behind my head and pulled me in for another deep tonguing and I wasn't sure if I could stop. Then we heard someone walking down the hall toward my room, banging on the wall.
"Shit, it's your dad again."
Andy got up and sat at my desk.
My dad stuck his head inside the door. "Just thought I'd do a quick check."
I frowned. "Dad, we're sixteen. We don't need you coming down here every five minutes to check on us."
He smiled. "Yes, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Don't forget, we had a deal. You guys weren't going to mess around if we didn't go to the police and report those perverts."
Andy glanced at me and then my dad. "You're right, Mr. Spence. I almost forgot. I just got my casts off and I'm out of my wheelchair, so I'm just a little crazy."
He nodded. "Then maybe it's time for you to head home and check to see if you have a tent in your garage."
"Okay. Okay. You got us," Andy said. "How 'bout Matt comes to my house?"
"Not now. Maybe tomorrow after you've both talked to Dr. Walker. You can come over and we'll talk. How about that?"
My dad just wasn't going to let us get off easy, and of course Andy being Andy, agreed.
It was awesome being able to walk into Dr. Walker's office like a regular guy. He greeted me with a smile. "I see you got rid of the wheels. How's it feel be on your legs again?"
We entered his office and sat in our usual places. Again he had a glass of water for each of us.
"So how was your week?"
"So-so. I nominated Matt for junior class president. He gave a pretty good speech, not as good as mine of course, but he still didn't win. Too much baggage I guess."
"How'd he take it?"
"Hard to tell. I joked with him and told him he was a loser. He laughed and cried at the same time. I really felt sorry for the guy."
"You're a good friend."
Walker took a sip of water and glanced at his notes. "How did it go with Jason?"
I placed my right ankle on my left knee. "Boy, does it feel good to be able to do that. Sorry, I just can't get over having my casts off and being out of my wheelchair."
"I understand. Anyway, how did it go with Jason?"
"Great! I did just like you told me, and while he didn't like it, and even got a little angry, he went to see Mr. Lynch."
"How'd it go?"
"I don't know. Jason saw me later in the day and was a little short with me. All he said was, 'I saw Lynch. Are you happy now? I guess I'm the horse.' Then he walked off. I was a little hurt. But at least I can say mission accomplished."
"Good job, Andy. Stop to talk to him when you get a chance. I'm sure he wants to talk."
You never know what Walker's going to ask next. He glanced at his notes again. "So how's your sex life?"
"That's kind of personal, Doc."
"I know. But after what you and Matt have done, I think that's a pretty simple question."
I paused to think. "Not very good, if you must know. Matt and I are on restriction and his dad is watching us like a hawk. Matt and I were in his room yesterday and his dad came and checked on us twice."
"Hum. He must care."
"Yeah, he cares if we have sex."
"Didn't you and Matt make an agreement with your parents?"
"You know. We're sixteen and our hormones are on fire."
He nodded and smiled at my words. "On fire, huh?"
"Yes, can't you see the flames?"
"Yes, you look scalding hot. Sorry. I didn't mean it that way. You know what I mean." There was a pause. "Did you and Matt talk about your relationship like I suggested?"
"No, with the election and all, we didn't have time."
"Are you going to talk this week?"
"Good question. We agreed to meet at his house and talk to his parents after today's session. They want to know what kinds of things go on here. I'm going to tell them that you tie us down and do unmentionable things to us."
I thought that would shake him up a little, but all he did was ask, "Like what?"
"I'm too embarrassed to say."
"You embarrassed? That'll be the day."
"Matt really doesn't want to talk to them, but I thought that since it was their idea for us to see you, that maybe we owed it to them to give them some idea about what goes on here."
"Don't you think you should have talked to Matt first?"
"I usually would, but we're not going to tell them anything, so it really doesn't make any difference."
He crossed his legs. "Do you that that's fair?"
"We'll tell them something, but none of the real personal stuff. I'm just going to tell them you ask a lot of questions and never answer any of ours."
He smiled. "So what are your plans for the coming week now that you have your casts off?"
"Matt and I are going to find a way to have sex."
He uncrossed his legs and I did too. He glanced at his notes again. "I wrote here that we agreed it would be better that you and Matt talk about your relationship and not have sex. You know. Keep sex out of the equation."
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
"Conveniently, I might add."
He wrote something on his pad. "Can we agree that this week you and Matt will talk about your relationship and what you want out of it? And not spend all your time trying to figure out how and where you're going to have sex?"
"In a tent in the park."
Walker gave me a strange look. "In a tent in the park? What are you talking about?"
"Yeah, we've already discussed it. We're going to pitch a tent in the park and have sex."
He shook his head. "You know Andy, I've never thought of you and Matt as being crazy, but that's a crazy idea. For now, keep the tent in the garage and your bodies out of the park and talk. Got it?"
I let out a long breath. "Yeah, I got it. You better tell him the same thing. He's as horny as I am."
"Careful. Someone might see those flames and throw water on them."
"Very funny, Doc. But it would take more than water to put these flames out."
Positive feelings come from being honest about yourself and accepting your personality, and physical characteristics, warts and all; and, from belonging to a family that accepts you without question. -- Willard Scott
Feelings aroused by the touch of someone's hand, the sound of music, the smell of a flower, a beautiful sunset, a work of art, love, laughter, hope and faith - all work on both the unconscious and the conscious aspects of the self, and they have physiological consequences as well. -- Bernie Siegel
I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent. -- Marilyn Monroe
[For those who use webmail, or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead: Please right click the author's name. A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system (Hotmail, Gmail, Yahoo etc). Each browser is subtly different, each Webmail system is different, or we'd give fuller instructions here. We trust you to know how to use your own system. If the email address pastes with %40 in the middle, replace that with an @ sign.]