Knots, Book 3
by Elias Scott
Thomas and I laid there on the old rug after we had sex. I held him in my arms and he snuggled in close. It made me think there was hope after all until he said, "Andy, I really like you. The sex was hot. But it's only sex. I don't have the same feelings about you that you have toward me. Sorry."
"You mean all this hot sex has nothing to do with love?"
"It can I suppose, but here right now?"
"But I love you."
He kissed me on the forehead. "Andy, do any of us know what love is? Hell, I'm only fourteen, what do I know about love. You're just fifteen, what do you know?"
I pulled him into me. "I know how I felt about Dillon and I know how I feel about you."
He pulled back. "And what happened with Dillon? For Randy and me it was only about sex. Maybe it's because he and I usually all had sex together with Dillon. Dillon said he loved you and all the time he was cheating on you. How can you trust love?"
"I know that when your cock was in me tonight and we were rolling around naked on the carpet, I felt even more love than usual."
Thomas kissed me gently on the lips. "It's supposed to be that way. But I don't think it's love. Love is more than sex or wanting someone. I learned that with Randy and Dillon. I'm not sure I really know what love is, but I don't think you really love me. You think you love me because you want me and like having sex with me. And I have to tell you, it's wonderful to think you love me, plus the sex is hot."
He pissed me off going all philosophical on me. Hell, he was a year younger than me and seemed so much wiser. He reminded me of Matt. Suddenly, I wondered if I really loved Matt instead of Thomas. Yes, I loved him as my best friend. But maybe I really loved him. Shit, Thomas had me all confused. I began to understand how Matt felt.
Thomas grabbed my hand and put it on his cock. "How would you feel if for some reason my cock got cut off and we couldn't have sex? Would you still love me?"
"Damn it Thomas. Can't we just have a little romance? You think too much."
He smiled. "And you don't think enough."
"Thomas, can't we just have sex and enjoy it?"
He touched the tip of my nose with his index finger. "Yes. As much as you want, because if nothing else, Dillon made me love guy sex. But I don't think I can love you. I'm not sure if I can love Matt. But I feel differently about him than you. He's more settled. Matt makes me feel secure. I can't explain it. But when I'm with him something unexplainable happens."
My heart began to ache. "All I know, Thomas, is love hurts. It's easier not to love."
He kissed me again and then got up and put on his briefs and running shorts. "I don't know much, Andy, but we're still young. We have plenty of time for love. Look at all the people who say they love each other and then their relationships fall apart."
I stood, naked with my cock hard. "But it's better to love than not love at all."
His smile was barely perceptible in the dim light. "Judging from that thing sticking out from your crotch, maybe it's your cock that's in love. You know as well as I do, that our cocks have a mind of their own. Yours is hard and mine isn't. The sex was hot. But Andy, it's hard for me to say, I don't love you. That isn't to say I never will, but right now, no. I really like Matt, but I don't even think I'm in love with him."
I moved to him before he got his shirt on. I turned him toward me and threw my arms around him so the warmth of our chests pierced the cold night. My cock pressed against him and he said, "Nice try, Andy."
I pulled back and gave him a light punch in the arm. "Can't blame a guy for trying."
He slipped his shirt over his head. "We'll have to do this again, but right now I have to get home."
He gave me a quick kiss and left with me still standing their naked as the passion ebbed and the tide went out. Shit, I thought. I guess I'd better get dressed too before I freeze to death. It was a tough night. Maybe I was never meant to have love in my life. The thought scared me.
Thomas called me around nine-thirty. "What happened to you?"
"My parents wouldn't let me out of the house."
He had a little sadness in his voice. "I was only going because of you."
"Does that mean nothing happened?" I asked.
"Well, uh. Not exactly."
"You guys messed around?"
"Well, you weren't there and by time I got there I was horny as hell. Before I knew it we were naked and one thing led to another. Andy told me he loves me."
I paused. "Do you love him?"
Now he paused. "I don't think so. We talked about love. It's surprising how much you learn from an asshole like Dillon. Sometimes you learn a lot from being hurt."
"I think you're right, but while that may be true, I think that being hurt over and over again can have long term affects. It leaves you scarred. I have a few physical scars from when I was a little kid. The scars are tougher and harder than the rest of the skin. Do you think that can happen to our hearts if we keeping letting ourselves get hurt? Will it harden them?"
"I have no idea," Thomas answered. "Maybe all the knots you love talking about are the scars in our lives. They can tighten so tight that they squeeze the life out of us or hold us back because they won't let us go. I think that's what happened to Randy."
"Maybe that happened to Dillon too. He was hurt when he was young."
"Maybe. Who knows? But no matter, what he did was wrong."
"You're right. He testified today and probably lied like hell."
Thomas didn't say anything for a couple seconds. "Did it bother you that Andy and I had sex?"
"I'm just jealous is all. I wanted to be there. I have no hold on you. I'm beginning to wonder if I can ever love anyone. And yet, only one terrible thing happened to me when Dillon raped me. It's just that I kind of feel lost. I really like you Thomas. I like your body. I like the person you are. But unlike Andy, I can't say I love you. Does that bother you?"
"No, I understand. Like I asked Andy, can guys our age really know what love is? Hell adults can't tell the difference between lust and love. How can we be expected to? I understand lust. I'm sure you do too. But love. I told Andy I was flattered that he thinks he loves me, because I am." He paused again. "I gotta go. I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I wished you were there."
"Thanks for calling. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
I hung up and felt that whatever it was I thought Thomas and I had between us was gone. I think it was because the sex we had together was special and now it wasn't anymore. Damn, sometimes I wish I'd never had sex. My life would be simpler. But hell, what was done was done. I had to live with it.
The garage was clean, but I didn't feel any better. Thomas' call didn't help. The clock said 9:50 and I figured Andy was still up, so called him.
You could hear the happiness in his voice. "Where the hell were you tonight? Not that I give a damn because Thomas and I had some fun."
"You know what, Andy?" "No, what?"
"You're an asshole."
"I thought you didn't care about Thomas."
"He just called," I said. "He wanted to know why I wasn't there. He said he'd only gone to the house because of me."
"He told me that too. I guess I was his second choice. But hell, I didn't give a damn. We laid around in each other's arms after sex and had a nice talk. I was ready to go again, but not Thomas. I think he really cares for you. He has some pretty deep thoughts. Reminds me a little of you."
"I think that's why I like him. He said you told him you love him. Why do you love him?"
"I just do. How do you explain love?"
I laughed into the phone. "So you're saying you love him but can't tell me why?"
"Damn, Matt. Why do you have to be like that? I just love him. I don't need to be able to tell you why."
"You're so full of shit. I can tell you why I like him. Why do you like him?"
"Same answer. I just do. Well, not exactly. I like his body. I like. I like, hell, I just like him. Why do you like him?" "I like him because he's smart. I like him because he's cute and has a beautiful smile. I like that he's shy. I like his legs and his ass. I love when he smiles. His body is small but perfectly proportioned. I like the color of his eyes and the way he smells. I like that he likes me more than you…"
Andy interrupted. Fuck you, Matt."
"Good idea. Guess we'll have to wait for another night. I'm not sure if my parents will ever let me out of the house. Anyway, you stopped me before I finished telling you why I like Thomas."
"I don't want to hear it. You've made your point."
I grinned even though he couldn't see it. "I'm glad. I can tell you all the reasons I like him. But I can't say that I love him, although I love all those things about him. Love to me means commitment. You can like things about a person, but loving them means you are willing to make every sacrifice possible for them, including your life. You say you love Thomas. Would you give up having sex if he asked you to?"
"Fuck no. Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Thanks, Andy. You made my point."
"You're not being fair. I'd agree to just have sex with him, but not give it up entirely."
"That wasn't my question. How 'bout if he said you both had to be celibate until you graduated from high school and got married?"
Andy laughed. "You know what, Matt. You're full of shit. He'd never do that."
"But what if he did? You said you love him. Would you do that?"
"Finally, an honest answer."
Then he caught me by surprise. "Why do you like me?"
"Maybe I should ask you why you like me since you seem to have no idea why you love Thomas."
"You're not getting out of it that easily. Why do you like me?"
"I like you because you've been my best friend since we were little kids. You've always been honest with me. I love your skinny toned body. I like your sense of humor and the way you can always make life seem wonderful. I know you've had some down times, but you overcame them, so I respect your courage. You also have matured through it all, and I like you even more than before. You were my first sexual experience, and even though it's caused us a lot of trouble, it was great. I like it that we still have sex and you are not selfish about it. You make sure I have as much pleasure as you. Do you want me to go on?"
I glanced into the living room to check if my parents were listening. My dad was asleep in his chair and my mom had gone to bed.
I heard a laugh at the other end of the line. "No. But you didn't say anything about me smelling nice."
"That's because you're an asshole. And assholes smell bad."
"Very funny. I think I love you too."
"Maybe we should leave it at that," I said. "I love you too Andy, but not in the way you want. Do you think Thomas loves me?"
"I don't think he knows," Andy said with sincerity in his voice. "He said he thinks about you at night."
I raised my voice. "Oh shit. That's scary."
"I wish someone was thinking of me at night."
Andy sounded a little sad. "I think of you once in a while. Does that count?"
"I guess so. Anyway, thanks for pointing out that I neither know why I like or love Thomas. You just love screwing with my life don't you? The one thing I can tell you is I'm going to be thinking of him and our sex tonight while I lay in bed and beat off. Sorry you weren't there. Gotta go and have my sweet dreams. I bet you'll be thinking about Thomas and me before you go to sleep tonight. It makes me sad to think about it."
He hung up. And of course he was right.
Cross-Examination of Dillon Burke
The judge rapped his gavel and called court back in session. The afternoon session from the day before was cancelled due to some scheduling conflicts.
Judge Fienberg pointed his gavel at Roger Wheeler. "Are you ready to cross-examine the witness, Mr. Wheeler?"
"I am, Your Honor."
Fienberg looked at Dillon. "Would the witness please come to the stand?"
Dillon rose slowly and adjusted his dark gray tailored suit, buttoned his coat, and straightened his tie. He wore a small American flag in his lapel. He sat in the witness chair straight and confident as Wheeler approached.
"Remember you are still under oath," Judge Fienberg cautioned.
Dillon looked directly at him. "Yes, Your Honor."
Wheeler proceeded. "If I understand your testimony, you are saying all four boys lied and you're the only one telling the truth. Is that right?"
"You also said they lied because they were jealous of each other and angry with you because you were having sex with other guys beside them. Is that correct?"
"Mr. Burke, do you know the punishment for perjury?"
Wheeler walked to his desk, grabbed a piece of paper, and held it up to Dillon. "The punishment can be one to five years in jail, a fine, and probation. Are you willing to take that chance?"
"I'm not lying. They are."
"So you stand by your testimony?"
Wheeler walked toward the jury, smiled at them, and then turned back to Dillon. "Kyle Jarvis said that he got Randy Barnson to contact Andy Gibson so they could have sex. Is that correct?"
"Did you at any time ask Kyle Jarvis to get Andy Gibson to have sex with him and Randy?"
"If I understand you correctly, you are saying these thirteen and fourteen year old boys are responsible for you having sex with them?"
Dillon looked toward the jury and then at Wheeler. "They're fourteen and fifteen now."
"Thank you for clearing that up Mr. Burke. But weren't they thirteen and fourteen when you first had sex with them?"
"They might have been. I didn't pay any attention to their ages."
"So you're saying that thirteen and fourteen-year-old boys seduced you rather than the other way around?"
Dillon squirmed in his seat. "Yes, that's what I'm saying."
"Do you expect the jury or anyone in this courtroom to believe that?
"Yes. I wouldn't lie."
Wheeler took a long pause. Banta started to object when Wheeler asked his next question. "Please tell us why you expect this court to believe your testimony."
"Well, uh. Uh. These boys have proven by their behavior and all their sexual orgies that they are promiscuous and sex-crazed boys. They have shown by their actions that they love sex. That's why I expect the court to believe me. They had me in their sights because they wanted to have sex with an older boy. I'm not that bad looking and I can see why gay guys would like me."
There was some quiet laughter in the courtroom.
"The question is not whether you are attractive, but whether they actually seduced you or if you seduced them along with raping Matt Spence. You deny you did any of these things and state in your testimony that they lied. Is that correct?"
Dillon got a little agitated. "You already asked me that."
"I did. But I want to make sure that we have it on the record that you say your testimony is the truth and their testimony is all lies. That's what you said, isn't it?"
"You stated earlier that these boys showed by their actions that they craved sex, participated in sexual orgies, were promiscuous, and wanted you because you are older. You said we should judge them by their actions. Is that true?"
"Had these boys ever had sex prior to having sex with you?"
"Uh. Uh. I assume they did."
"Did they or didn't they? Can you cite any examples of them having sex prior to you having sex with them?"
Dillon went silent for a couple seconds. "No, but I know they did because of the way they came on to me."
"They all testified that they never had sex before they had sex with you. Do you have any evidence that proves they are lying?"
"Uh. Uh. Rumors. I'd heard rumors, and I knew by their actions. Inexperienced guys don't just attack an older bigger guy like me without having some kind of previous experience. Like I said they craved sex. They've shown that by their behavior."
Wheeler turned away from Dillon and a small smile crossed his face. "You keep saying that Mr. Burke, but you have no proof that they did anything before you had sex with them."
Banta stood. "Objection. Mr. Wheeler keeps saying before he had sex with them, when the defendant's testimony is that they had sex with him."
"Objection overruled," Judge Fienberg ruled. "No matter how you look at it, they were having sex."
Wheeler turned to the judge. "Your Honor, I believe this witness has perjured himself. I plan on charging him with perjury when the trial is over. He has led us to believe these boys were wild crazed sexual animals and that he succumbed to their attacks. There isn't any proof of that. In addition, every boy said they never had sex prior to having sex with the defendant. All the testimony, except the defendants, indicates he is responsible for the current behavior of these four young men. In addition, the defendant can't point to any incident in which these boys had sex prior to having sex with him."
"Your charge is duly noted and will be on the record of these proceedings," Judge Fienberg stated. "Do you have any other questions for the defendant?"
"No, Your Honor."
Fienberg turned to the defense table. "Do you have any other witnesses?"
"No, Your Honor."
The judge looked at Wheeler. Wheeler gave the judge and the jury a confident look. "I rest my case." He sat down.
Judge Fienberg rapped his gavel. "Court is adjourned until Monday morning for closing arguments.
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