As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 30

Perhaps Someday

1st July 1991

It's quite late. I'm only home from Tralee now. The evening dragged out more than I had initially thought it was going to be. Except Thomas's parents insisted that they treat us to a couple of the amusements, and next dinner. So, it's after 11 o'clock now. I guess I'm in for the night. Not that I want to go out though. I just looked at myself in the mirror, and my eyes are bloodshot. The black circles underneath my eyeballs, well… they don't compliment how my brain feels at that moment, and currently. I assume I could sleep for a week. I have no idea wherever the tiredness came from; still, I guess it's the earliest I have gotten up in a while.

On another note, you did not hear me say this. However, the evening was pretty cool. I didn't think I'd want to watch the vintage cars scrap around in a field but hey… it was awesome. Plainly watching the vehicles struggle in some instances get true a muddy field and race against another car. It was exhilarating; I have no idea why exactly; it merely felt that way. When I woke up early today; I tiredly threw on my clothes. I guess I was a little worn out at this point. I didn't want to disappoint Thomas, but I think he asked me out on a date or would you even consider this an appointment for love.

How am I just accepting this without actually speaking up? It's merely happening without me having to do anything at all. What I'm saying is yes and no comparatives, and everything else is happening miraculously without me even having to state anything.

On the dot: like Thomas said, his father picked me up shortly before 8:30 and we drove to Tralee. It wasn't a long drive; it's only about 40 minutes in a car. Although being in the back seat with Thomas, it made me feel unusual somehow. Anytime I glanced over at Thomas; who kept trying to initiate a conversation with me. I was forced to pull my attention from world flying by outside my window. Anytime I turned to Thomas to talk; the sun from outside the car flood in his window. As odd as it sounds for me to write it in here... it made him look cute. Yes, Thomas happened to be cute. It appeared he wore his best clothes and shit... yeah he was trying hard. Forget what I recently said. Anyway, I was saying before I said that unexpectedly... Sigh… What's wrong with me? I've never felt like this for him before so why I am changing now. I have to keep my head straight. Ross is the only guy that cutesy. Urgh… Forget it I'm just all weird now.

I was saying while we were in the car... alright I can't beat around the bush anymore. I confess, please don't be annoyed at me. Yeah, I'm losing my marbles. I'm not sure if I understand correctly how asking a book' not to be annoyed at me classifies as being sane… I'll be back in a minute I need to get some tissue…

I'm not going to waste ink scribbling out that last sentence I have spent the last five minutes or so crying because it's frustrating. I'm not upset or anything it's just... I don't know what to say. Thomas was in a weird way appealing to me today. I was trying to resist his advances, because I know he's not the right person for me and even if he was I don't think I could handle Thomas. He's just a to goodie kind of person. Not that that is bad or anything, only he's soft or I'm unsure how he handles rejection. I don't want to be the one to hurt his feelings. Inevitably I did just that. Well, at least I think I did…

As I was saying; I was in the car with him, and he's all talkative about the big event. Me, on the other hand, I'm just trying to make it through another blunder I've made. I know it's terrible when I put it this way. However, the long-term effects are not going to be pretty because I probably was a little bit harsher than I meant to be today. Thomas was glancing across at me in the back of the car; he was saying, "you're going to like it... really. That's why I asked you." And all I could do was just nod, and pretend I was interested. I know it sounds terrible now, but I was impressed when I let myself relax and enjoy the experience. Now when I logically think about it, I'm an asshole. I have no idea why I didn't just give Thomas a proper chance in the first place, but that still doesn't deter from the real source of the problem.

Once we arrived Thomas was enthusiastic, I had to run to keep up with him. I haven't had to do that in a long time, and that was mainly with my little cousins. At that point, all I was still thinking of is what I could've done with Ross for the day rather than being with Thomas. I have no idea why Ross has to be present in everything I want to do, except it only seems like a reasonable excuse to escape at the time.

Although I take it back, because not long after I had that thought we arrived against a barrier, looked into a field and watched cars rough it through the mud. All along, anytime I seem to look over at Thomas he was just smiling back at me, it was almost as if he was waiting for me to say, "yeah it's cool."

Such things, however, were not said, I merely stored the information and secretly enjoyed it myself, but every so often I glanced across at Thomas and gave him a nod that I was enjoying it. I didn't want to prolong the odd interactions or make my situation any worse so I thought the best thing I could do was possible just to remain quiet. I guess it didn't work however because Thomas tried extra harder to get me to loosen up. He took me from the barrier, persuaded me that he wanted to buy me some food and some drinks, followed by ice cream or whatever I wanted. True to my word that's what he said he said, "you can have anything you want, I'll buy it." And anytime I tried to shoot down the idea Thomas only came back with another enthusiastic response. So, I finally had to give into him because he wasn't taking no for an answer and he wouldn't allow me to pay for anything.

On the way home in the car, I was contemplating whether telling him or not. I mean if it gets any worse I'll have to contend with this for the rest of my life. And considering we live in a small town, I will see Thomas probably for the next 5 to 10 years; if all goes well, I might be out by five at max. I know that sounds harsh when I write it in here with everything else though just between you and me. I don't plan on living here all my life. There is more to the world than just Kerry right…

So, when we reached home and got out of the car. Thomas waited intentionally for his parents to disappear indoors. I knew it was coming; he was going to ask me if I want to stay for the night, and I had already made up my mind. That I was most definitely not. I have to learn to say no, and for the first time, I said no to Thomas. Do you know what, it feels horrible? I hope I'm never put in this predicament again, but I feel like I've crushed his dreams or something. So, he's like, "so: you staying tonight?"

I just stood there trying to force the words out of my mouth. I was secretly trying to bite my tongue; I didn't want to say anything that would destroy him irreparably. I have no idea if I would have that effect on him, though still, nonetheless, I didn't want anything like that to happen. So, I just I felt like I was on the verge of crying, except I held back instead I just said, "eh… Thomas… I think I should go home."

There was a moment of silence, and then he just asked, "why? Did I do something wrong?"

I felt terrible at the moment; here he thought he had done something that made me not want to stay. Or maybe he was trying to guilt trip me; either one of the other, but regardless it worked. So, I'm like, "Thomas. I know you like me." I took a moment to take a breather unsure of what to say and then said, " I think we should stay friends, I em… I don't like you that way." I know it probably sounds a lot harsher than I intended it to be but at least he knows the truth, and I'm not leisurely trying to mislead him. Though to be honest I was nervous saying it to him. My voice cracked in the middle of the process. I can't believe I done it today but I did, I did. I got it out in the open. Even to think I thought I would've been proud to say what was really on my mind, although all it had done is it has caused me more agony than it has been worth. I know I'm responsible for probably crushing his dream of ever wanting to like me that way, but I guess it's better than leading him down the path any further where he can get his heart ripped out.

Earlier in the driveway, after I had said that Thomas dropped his head and contemplated for a moment. He seemed embarrassed, and he wasn't the only one because I was too. After a moment of silence, a sheep ba-ad in the field next to us and it brought some weird grin upon the both of our faces yet as quick as the moment arose it subsided. Thomas plainly looked up at me in a glum manner and spoke, "I understand."

It wasn't the tangible response I was hoping for. Thomas didn't even protester; I hope he understands. For some reason to me that is worse than genuinely having him protest; at least if he did it, would've been some distraction but no Thomas glumly accepted the fate. And to me, that's even sadder moreover painful than all of the cosying up he's been trying to do the last couple of days to me. I'm not sure which is worse the fact that he liked me, or at least has some understanding that I'm as gay as a nugget or the fact that I hugged him before I left to try and say I'm sorry… hmm… it's a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be. Any at least he asked his dad to drive me home. Anyway, I should be off the bed; I have some other stuff to do before I hit the hay. Night – Adam.

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