As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 23

Sky's The Limit

18 June 1991

I saw it. The fanny, the muff, a pussy, the vag. I saw it. Right so just calm down, I know it's not a big deal, but it's my first time to see one visually. Mind you I didn't actually see one up close and personal but from a magazine. I knew these sorts of things existed, but I never actually saw one, well until today that is. When I went around to Carl's after lunch, he had a… how should I say, a unique magazine? His dad was too busy working in the fields, and his mam had to step out for a little while. So, he said, "here Adam I have something new to show you." There I was wondering what in the world he could show me.

I followed him upstairs to his bedroom, and I parked at the end of his bed. Carl then went over to his desk, felt up the underside of the drawer compartment and voila, behold a pornographic magazine appeared. He clutched it in his hands and sat down beside me. It seemed like Ross was hesitant to show me at first, but he let me in on his secret. The way he was holding it too was like it was a proud achievement. I never saw Carl so exuberant and so, jittery and sheepish all at the same time. Now that I think of it I can understand why. Now the odd notion of what Carl uses that magazine for has just popped into my head. How he'd looked desperately over the pictures, almost drooling on them, then he'd reach down subconsciously: fondled himself until he got hard. I'm sure you know the rest, but that's not the ironic part about it. Because I was genuinely interested in the pictures; I'm not sure what that meant, but when I saw boobies and the hairiest Grand Canyon I'll ever want to see with my young eyes. I could feel the burn of intensity from intently hovering over the nudes; savouring every contour on the model's body. Well… yep, that's that. My eyes will never be the same ever again. I have witnessed the bare flesh of a naked woman; and for some odd reason, I approve of it. Anyhow… later - Adam.

19th June 1991

I keep subconsciously getting up from the desk and checking the landing area. I keep thinking that one of my folks are going to come in and sit down and give me the talk. How they'll say I'm confused, or it's a phase, perhaps it is so, but shouldn't that be for me to decide. Not that I know entirely what I'm doing; regardless if mam or dad is involved. I came home after being out with Ross, and my diary was on my desk of all places; why there. Of all places it could have been it seemed to me that my mam read it or something, then she figured that it was sensitive and left it out on display because she possibly read too much.

Oh god, what if my mam read what I wrote. Everything about Ross is in this diary… To make it worse, I'm still writing in you… sigh… I can't decide what is worse now… the fact that I still refer to you as if you were a person or the fact that I'm writing in you after a breach of privacy. You think I'd be a little bit more cautious before I decided to write a diary entry tonight or even a slight bit worried that my Mam knows all the littlest secrets since I started this book. Oh God what, what if she was... No, she can't, of course, she can't. What if she had read all my diaries and this is the first time that she put the journal back on the desk.

Perhaps I should go outside and burn all the diaries that I have in my possession; that way if the word does get to my dad then she has no evidence to back it up. Though maybe this is all just in my head, possibly I'm over panicking for no reason, but still, it's a terrifying notion to comprehend.

Not to mention earlier I had an awkward encounter with my mam. It wasn't intentional on her behalf. Well, I don't think it was anyway. But the way she phrased conversation and felt like she was hinting at something, then again that could be my imagination running rampant still.

She was like, "I see you and Ross are getting on very well these days."

At first, I taught nothing of it, I just shrugged and acknowledged that Ross is a cool person and secretly between you and I, we both know that he is more than a cool person. I said, "yeah I guess so." I taught a moment before continuing and then proceeded, " we have some things in common, and he taught me how to play cards properly. If Carl were teaching me how to do it, he would've gone to town on me. After all the times that Carl and I have played cards, he always seems to be the one to say hey, this is how it has to be. Though Ross it feels different friendlier or something." On top of that, I was trying to make it sound that Ross was like Carl. And more importantly that nothing was going on between us. When the idea crossed my mind that my mam was possibly hinting about Ross, given the fact that she had also put my journal on my desk after cleaning my room. I subconsciously put two and two together without really delving deeper into the situation. I still don't know whether she read my journal, so I guess that's something I have to feel grateful for at the moment.

Mam sat quietly for a moment and then she finally ushered, "that's nice; seems like you guys are really good together."

That's when I gave her a leering expression. The phrasing of that last statement made me feel uneasy to the point that I was convinced that she had read my journal. Though she wasn't making a big deal out of it all the same; then again I have no proof. Of all the ways she could phrase it why did she have to phrase it like that. It sounds like something you'd say to a couple. 'You guys are perfect together.' Yeah, that's about right. I'd imagine that's what I'd say that to my sister if I ever had a sister. I would embarrass her by saying something like that If she had a boyfriend.

Mam didn't harper on about it; she just acknowledged that our friendship was blossoming in some way or form. Which I guess you could say is comforting to know that she notices who I'm taking an interest in but on second thought it's worrisome.

Okay well now away from the news of mothers, in general. I got some news about Ross. Well it's getting there I promise, but first I want to talk about the whole idea of setting up a date with Ross. After all, he did go out of his way to find a radio tower for us to climb up which admittedly, I'm quite confident now: I'll never scale it again. So with that talk aside, I decided to start scouring the area for places I could bring him. Before lunch today, I asked my dad to drive me into Killarney, and he did surprisingly. I didn't know what I had set out to do. I was more on an adventure to see what I could do with Ross so that I do have options. I ended up going into the tourism office which I found weird considering I live 15 minutes up the road. I was browsing through some of the pamphlets, leaflets and booklets on what was on offer. Most of the options were the Ring of Kerry, though I concluded that I did not have enough time nor the resources to bring Ross on a tour of the Ring of Kerry. So I figured. It would have to be a day out sort of thing. Dad asked once or twice what are we doing in here, and I just tried to shrug him off. I think he caught on to it too after a while because he stopped asking questions. Dad started robotically picking up tourist locations that sparked an interest, and he proposed them to me.

An assistant came by; she was very friendly actually, pretty too. She introduced herself as Rebecca, and if I needed any help at all that, she was there if I needed her. When I spoke, she just smiled, and she got talking to us because she could hear my Irish accent. Then again on top of that, she felt that she wasn't alienated because everybody else in the entire office was foreign. On top of that, I didn't feel so much as a space invader either considering this is my local shindig spot. And no, I'm not talking about the actual tourist locations, I'm talking about Killarney in general.

Eventually, she started talking about places she visited, that most Irish people probably don't even know about. I assumed I knew my surroundings, but then again there was a place that she recommended to dad and dad being the enthusiast. He was raring to see this place that she had suggested.

All the way home in the car dad dragged on about how he had never come across this place before. It was right under our noses and dad didn't even know about it. Which I think is ironic because dad knows a lot of places. The attraction she suggested was a Dolphin Marina, but I have no idea why that concluded as a plausible place to visit when I said that I wanted fun. Though now while I think of it, Ross likes areas that are high. There is only one place in County Kerry that is as high as anything else. Carrauntoohil.

Yep, it's the highest point in Southwest Ireland or all of Ireland; I think I'm not too sure. Still, you're supposed to be able to see land for thousands of kilometres at the top, well... so I heard. Though If I want to go there, I'd have to ask my Mam and dad, and then, of course, an apparent escort is needed. Then again, I don't think that's precisely the worst-case scenario. Maybe I could get my mam on board; then bring Ross with me to the mountains. Perhaps that's something I should do. I think Ross would love it there, but then again there's also the attraction spot at ladies view. Though of course if I want to go to one of those, I'll need to get a lift because I probably get us killed cycling to one of those far off places.

If Ross want's high... I'll give him high; I'll bring him the mountains.

When I got back from town, I was eager, and I was excited. I've no idea why I was so driven, but I felt good that I was planning something for the both of us. Even though I have nothing, or anything concretely designed, I can't help but feel a sense of pride for beginning to look in the right direction.

Anyway enough of the rambling, when I got back, Ross was sitting at my kitchen table. Mam had told me he just knocked in. Evidently, Ross decided to wait for me because she said that they should be back by now, referring to my dad and me. I'm glad he waited although, I've no idea how long he waited for me; still I'm so happy he did. I sat down at the table with a rush of excitement and curiosity. It fulfilled what eagerness took hold of me. I was supposed to surprise him with this, but I just blurted out everything that I just learned. I wanted so desperately tell someone, and so I told him. I told him all the places I learned about, and what I was thinking of. Ross... he just smiled and bashfully nodded his head as my mam looked on.

When I realised that I was probably drooling. I sheepishly confessed that I was planning all these cool ridiculous notions that the two of us could embark on. I slow down a bit when I noticed my mam gave me a questioning gaze. The expression on her face wasn't pressing. It was more like,' so you expect us to drive you around all these lovely places. Did you forget that cars don't run on water.' Yeah well, it was that sort of face, it wasn't etched seriously. The expression was just like... my son has a wild imagination. But then again, I guess I can have a wild imagination at times. I feel like I'm the only one who contemplates any of this weird stuff. I wonder what the inside of a filmmakers brain looks like. They dream up entire worlds inside their head. So mine can't be all that much different... can it.

In the way, how Ross endured my little rambling made me feel so special to have someone willing to listen to me. Of course, the guys adapt to me, but nothing that I ever talk to them is ever so serious. It's always about games or movies or what's happening in the cinema. With Ross, however, anything I say is taken on board without him having to listen really. If I have come to understand something, I think it's that Ross is a listener more than he is a talker. He welcomes everything I have to say or anything anybody has to say. Yet Ross has so much to say, when he says nothing at all. I don't know how he does it, but it just seems that way, and I hope I'm not weird or crazy here when I say this, but I think that's what I like about him. He doesn't go all out to be someone else, he's comfortable with being the quiet boy, and I love that. I like it a lot.

Afterwards, we just hung out. And it was nice. Ross has started teaching me how to play blackjack with the cards. Which I felt a bit weird, but I was like 'okay.' He Seems to know his way around systems. He is quick on the drawer, and he picks up on habits or routinely interactions that happen consistently, and he usually takes that into account and uses it to his advantage. If I've learned anything new today, I think I've learned that Ross is smart, a lot smarter than I am.

The way he handles his intelligence is unique. I guess you could say, people who are the quietest have the loudest minds. In Ross's case, I suppose that could be true. About halfway through our demonstration, I got up to pee. I left the room, and when I came back, Ross had put on my R.E.M CD in the background very low. Weirdly, the atmosphere when we got to the song it's not the end of the world. The two of us just sat there and mumbled the words between the two of us as we played blackjack. It's a mysterious combination but I hella loved it. He's changing me somehow; I'm comfortable. I don't know, but I like me when I'm with him. Anyway, I should get some sleep it's late and yeah…. Night Adam.

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