As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 19

Pancakes & Chocolate

3rd June 1991

Yesterday was wow… I mean, I sat across from Ross at a table in the local park after we bought the milkshakes. Ross was so graceful, so appreciative that it made me feel warm inside, it still does. At times I thought I didn't have any butterflies left to contend with. If I have any butterflies left; they would occasionally jump back into life instantly, and begin churning like it always does, making me feel queasy. Every time the way he puckered his lips, drew his head down towards the straw and started sucking made him in a way alluring: in a sexual way I guess. Above all that I couldn't help but appreciate his ecstatic aura emanating from him. He is so dreamy; the way he casually lifts his chin ever so eloquently to answer me. The way he brushes his hair from his forehead. And the way he carelessly holds himself as an individual is sensual in a way. I enjoyed our time together yesterday. Compare that with the fact that I'm also glad that we're talking again. I was beginning to feel bad for ignoring him. Considering I wasn't intentionally ignoring him. I... I didn't know what to say to him. Although when I held his hand yesterday, It was... wow.

Okay well, you probably want to know what happened today; my mam got the entire house up early this morning so that we could see aunt Stephanie and little Brandon. I got to see him awake today, he just lay on his back, and he was so out of it. I don't know, but he seemed content and happy. Brandon squirmed about, waving his hands around above his body, absorbing everything like a sponge. It was like everything was entirely new to him; I guess it was. I think you could call it: childlike wonder, well that is what all the adults usually call it. His big soft hazel eyes had been passed down the family line. He looked a lot like Stephanie; I even got to hold him. I was a little scared in case he was going to cry or get sick on me... or in the worse case scenario, I'd drop him. Though I didn't, he started giggling by gently rocking back and forth in my arms. I enjoyed it; it was sweet to be able to hold him. I don't know why I was annoyed at the fact when he was born, but I take it all back because I like him now.

This was only in the morning mind you. When we got back for lunch, after lunch, I knocked in for Ross. To my shock and surprise his grandmother said that he wasn't there; she said that another boy with dark brown hair knocked for him and he went out. I talked for a moment with his grandmother, the only other person that had dark hair was Carl. So I went back next door, got my bike and cycled to Carl's hoping he'd be there. I cycled up Carl's crumbling driveway which could do with new paving, but this is not what this diary entry is about. I rang the doorbell, and his mam answered. She friendly, as she usually is. She was like, "oh hey Adam how are you today." I just gave her an energetic reply. "I'm all right... thanks; Is Carl here," I asked.

His mam turned, and called up the stairs, though Carl didn't answer. Following her third call she decided to just head up the stairs herself, and when she came back down, she said, "no Adam he's not here." I felt a little sad and a little confused. I didn't know what to do or where I'd start looking for them. It felt a bit weird to me; why would Carl take a sudden interest in Ross. I mean Ross has been here more than a month, now Carl has suddenly started inviting Ross out. Why haven't I been notified of this? Giving Carl's mother a doleful expression and said, "okay thanks." With that, I headed back down the driveway with my bike on under my arm. Earlier I must have been dumbfounded even to imagine such a thing were possible though instead of going home, I just decided to go on a cycle. If I ran into them, I ran into them. If I didn't, well I guessed I'd see Ross the following day.

I went to town, cut through back roads and across the large cabbage field on the outskirts. Before I knew it, I was back in the town. I checked out the sweet shop. They weren't there; I even went as far as asking the shopkeeper if they'd seen Carl, though they didn't. Feeling a little glum at this point, I headed to the basketball courts around by the school. I went to the GAA grounds to see if any of the boys were hanging out there. To my surprise, I found Eli and the rest of the gang, but no Ross or Carl. I wanted to leave, but Eli was begging me to stay. I would've preferred looking for Ross, but I couldn't exactly say no to Eli. So instead, I hung around for a game of basketball, and I split. When I asked Eli had he seen either of them, he said the same thing as the shopkeeper- no he didn't.

I flew by the church; also, it was as empty as all the other spots I had been to. On my way back I took the loop out of town, I stopped off at the O'Neill's field to see if they were there. I mean the last time Ross miraculously vanished he was there but no. The last place that came to mind was the castle. At this point I was a little annoyed even peeved; where the fuck where they. I could've just followed the loop road and went back home; though I took the turn for the castle and made my way out toward it. I dismounted my bike and placed it against the tree at the bottom of the trail and began walking up. When I got to the turn in the path; two bikes were on the ground beside a large rock. Sure enough one of the bikes was mine.

I knew Ross was there. The first thing my mind jumped to was, what were they doing out here. I steadily made my way up toward the castle, scouring the area for the boys. My hope began to dwindle; I thought something was up or maybe they were doing something that I wasn't supposed to see. Though I guess, that is wishful thinking because when I turned the corner where the castle meets the lakefront, the two of them were standing there tossing stones off into the lake. The two of them were skimming the small stones across the surface of the water. The both of them were more or less egging each other on to see who was better. I felt relief that nothing was going on, not that I was expecting something to be going on. Imagine that, my best friend kissing the only boy I've ever liked. I'm not even sure Carl is gay, so I don't know what brought me to that conclusion.

So I watched a couple of moments; nothing inappropriate was happening. Boldy, I called out to them, of course, they alarmed at first, but then the noticed it were me and welcomed me. When Carl said that he and Ross had knocked earlier on; I felt a sense of relief and happiness run through me. Carl asked where I was all day, and they explained where they had been all day. They had been in town; they had gone to the arts and craft store because Ross wanted the buy a notebook. Then after that, they went to the sweetshop and then came here. It was cool getting to hang out with Carl and Ross both at the same time. Yeah, it's nice when the whole group hangs out, but today felt different because the two of them were together. It was like terrifying, but not horrific at the same time. As the day went on, we decided to part ways. Ross and I though had been secretly giving each other knowing glances all day. It felt intriguing and exciting all at the same time because the two of us shared a secret that Carl didn't know. Well, at least I don't think he does.

After we split me and Ross walked back to my house. When we were about halfway there, he asked out of nowhere, "do you want to have a sleepover." And of course, all I could do was smile, and I think he took the smile as my answer because I couldn't naturally say anything. So that's where I am right now, I'm in my house at the moment grabbing a couple of pillows and my pyjamas. And of course, I'm writing in you... my diary. I hope tonight goes well. I feel apprehensive; I'm not as nervous as I was the first time I met him which is a good thing I suppose. Anyway, I think I've taken long enough; I should get back to Ross, if I don't then, he'll probably guess I'm not coming. Which I don't want that to happen, wish me luck – Adam.

4th June 1991

Well, last night was eventful, It was everything I could've possibly imagined. I mean last night was perfect; the movies we decided to watch, the junk food we snacked on. The game of cards we decided to pull out and play after we grew tired of watching the VHS tapes. The entire evening was magical if I can say it was that. I felt like there was this weird unspoken vibe going on in the room. It was awesome, Ross and I more or less hung out. It didn't feel all that different compared to when we were first hanging out; I'm glad that nothing has changed even though we have said that we like each other, It still feels like we're friends or something.

I'm not sure if that's supposed to be the way its meant to be. Though then again he's not my boyfriend, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to ask him or if he's supposed to ask me. Inevitably if this is what love feels like where we remain friends, then what is all this big deal stuff- adults make about love.

If your friends and fight, can't you like just get over it. I'm not 100% sure where things are going, but I was glad when the two of us fell asleep talking to each other. It's was a lot better than the first night he slept over; though this night felt weird because I was staying at his grandparents' house. Which is a little spooky at night? Is it weird, in the middle of the night I had to get up go to the toilet, and I did not at all like the little adventure to the bathroom? When I got back Ross had woken up; he's a light sleeper I guess because he asked, "are you okay." And I said, "yeah." Ross seemed to accept that, and I got back into the blowup bed that I had been assigned. I could hear him shifting and turning in the bed above me, and then a sigh came.

I had just pulled the blankets back above myself, and all I could see was the bleak nothingness in front of my eyes, even while they were open. I wish I could have seen Ross when I looked over at him. Then out of the darkness, Ross said, "can I hold your hand." And I didn't have any objections, so I reached out into the blackness, fumbling about trying to find his hand. My fingers twiddled and danced in the openness until the two of us brushed fingertips.

His hand was cold, well mainly just his fingers. I was confident that with my hand being warm, his fingers would heat up in no time. There I was holding his hand for the second time, which felt weird but totally worth it at the same time. I think we fell asleep because when I woke up the next morning my hand was undeniably sore and Ross complained that his was too. So I can only imagine that the two of us held each other's hands for quite a while after we fell asleep. Though if I get a chance to take his hand anytime I want. I guess sore hand is least of my worries.

I left Ross for a little bit after breakfast. I asked if he wanted to go into town and do something, but he wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to do. I don't want to bring him back to the castle. I feel like we've been there too many times or the hill. I Want to try something new so when I got home, I asked my mam for some money to buy flour and stuff to bake. The way I figured- he likes pancakes, so maybe he'll make pancakes or something with me. They'll be a fun way to spend the evening, wouldn't it? Well, my mam looked at me funny when I mentioned it, but she didn't shoot the idea down.

So it was settled, I had a plan for the evening. My mam said she was going to visit my aunt. She told me that I'd have to wait however until she came back to cook anything. Which, I guess I was okay. I showered quickly, and then I made my way back to Ross. In the time I had gone it I felt like I was already away from him too long.

When I got back, he was his radiant self. Ross had apparently showered to, and he was glowing, he looked so fresh. He seemed happy that I had returned. Though I don't think happy is anything to suffice how I was feeling and still am feeling. I told him my plan; he said that was cool and that he'd like to make pancakes with me. I let Ross know that my mam wanted me to wait until she got back and then he snarkily cut in, "she afraid you'll burn the house down." I couldn't think of anything to say to that. So, instead, I embarrassingly brushed it off. I think I might've blushed because he blushed too, eventually he stared at me fondly. It was odd, but I liked every minute of it. When in town; We were standing in the aisle, I found it adorable how Ross couldn't decide on what he wanted. He kept picking up a tube of honey and then he'd revert back to chocolate syrup. I kept telling them I could buy both, but he insisted that one was enough. He finally decided on the chocolate because I like the chocolate and he liked the chocolate. You can't go wrong with a boy who loves chocolate. We paid for our items; then we made our way back home. All along I felt like the two of us were in a world that wasn't in the present.

When I got back, mam was home. So at least we got to cook straight away. There wasn't any messing about; we got straight down to baking, it was pretty cool. Mam let us have the run of the kitchen, which nearly never happens. Mam was too busy sorting out washing that she just kept a watchful eye on us to make sure we didn't set the house on fire. But more or less she just let us have a go at doing it. Here and there she'd passed through the kitchen and dropped an odd tip, and we followed them to the best we could. It was fun just making them; we took turns making each other's pancakes. I made his, and he made mine. It was a little too quiet; I decided to put on some music to help liven up the atmosphere. And if the mood in the room was energetic at the time of making the pancakes, prior to the music. Well, I can't explain how magical and mystical the spirit amplified in the room when I turned on the music.

Within 10 minutes of the music going on Ross was already feeling the music; he was swaying slightly from side to side. I guess I was kind of getting there too. And then 'Give It Up by KC and the Sunshine band' came on. The room filled with a weird happiness and Ross just took off in this little dance escapade. I knew it was an old song; though you can't deny it's catchy. It was adorable and cute just watching him bop away. He was in his own little world. I wanted to kiss him then and there. I would have probably too; though he was just too adorable to stop. I didn't want to spoil the fun he was having, it was like he had taken a happy pill from the way he was goofily dancing about. A smudge of flour had rubbed off on his nose which gave him this undeniably, indescribable beauty to his nature.

Though when he bashfully started to sing, I couldn't even move. All I could do was adore him and blink. I think he got a little bashful after he tried a couple of times to get me to dance and I got their weirdly. I didn't even know I could dance, but before I knew it the two of us were competing against each other which made him cute. I took note of my surroundings, and then I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I just leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. The both of us stopped, and he looked at me quizzically for a moment until he broke a smile and began dancing harder, so I resumed dancing.

Awh… sigh. Well, that was my day. I should go before I start drooling. I am just going to lay awake for a bit and consider if this is real. I am so happy right now. I could have kissed him on the mouth, but hey at least the two of us enjoyed the moment, and the pancakes were well… let's say they'll turn out better the second time around.

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