As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry Twelve: That Feeling

23rd May 1991

Right, so I promise today went a lot better than the previous day. I got to see Ross and the spark between us was back, and he was talking and being his adorable cute self, god…. But first, let me mention what I did before I went looking for Ross or should I say Ross came looking for me.

Before breakfast, I rose early enough to get chores taken care of before the day started. I wanted to make sure that if anything did happen or if anyone asked to hang out that everything would be tied up. I went out the back garden and scoped out where I'd set up a bunch of tents if I ever got around it. The perfect spot formed between the two silver Birchwood trees at the far end of the yard. I thought that's where I'd set up camp when things the sleepover party take off. I think the next thing to do is to get everyone into the same place. I was going to knock for Ross and ask to hang out, but my mam asked me to cycle into town to get milk and bread. I don't know why she couldn't do it herself. Besides, she has a car, and I have a bike, like I have the energy to do such things. I need to keep some in reserve in case anything remarkable was going to happen. What if Ross wanted to go swimming or wanted to race me; all I could say is that I'm too tired because my mam made me do chores this morning. Lame I tell you, that would be so embarrassing not being able to keep up with him if he wanted to do stuff but then again, he didn't today.

I accepted my mams request and decided to knock into Ross to see if he wanted to come along and when I knocked he was still in his pyjamas. God was he cute when he opened the door this morning. He looked so dazed, and his bedhead was adorkable. When Ross saw that it was me, he just smiled, and his tired eyes lit up. The way he did it too made me feel all rattily inside; I felt like I was the bare minimum of my exterior. You know like when a builder builds a building, and it is nothing but the skeletal frame. The empty shell just stands their silent and unmoving. I think I was more afraid when his smile shot my way, it made my heart flutter, and my stomach began to heave. The minute he saw me he opened up entirely and animatedly said, "Adam… how are you this morning?" The way he did so made him almost too adorable not to look at. Though I think I may have blushed when he said that to me, no… I did blush, I remember it now. God, I hope it didn't look weird or stupid when I did it. The last thing I need right about now is him thinking is I'm too weird to hang out with. I swear that would destroy me somehow- knowing that, it makes me want to go the extra mile to be liked, even be careful how I come off to Ross. But anyway I blushed, and I mumbled shyly, "I'm good… Yeah…." I could have sworn I learned more English words than that at school, but for the life of me, I could not think of what to say to the boy. His sheer beauty was enough to knock me off track and become petrified of anything I said.

Then Ross came back with," that's good… I'm good too." He mumbled breathlessly between each word. I don't think either one of us could quite understand what was going on but if this was our version of flirting I hope it doesn't happen again, it's uncomfortable. Then again if I want to get close to him and you know kiss him, then I guess this is bound to happen. I wasn't sure what to say; a horrible silence started between the two of us until I finally coursed myself to say something worthwhile. I must have looked like a nervous, jittery mess just standing at the front door. What changed? It felt like something changed overnight, and he just was happy all of a sudden. Is it just me, or am I going crazy? But regardless if I'm going crazy how can you deny how beautiful he is. I'm not happy with how I handled my response, but I said, "ok… Yeah, that's great too." I mean what possessed me to say something as one dimensional as that. Then the stupid silence started again, and I began to chick my shoes off the lip of the doorstep for the porch. I then only noticed how the colour blue is his colour.

He was wearing a light teal t-shirt combination with shorts. I tell you it made my heart skip a beat when I saw him. It is his colour, but then silence drowned out, and I thought of something productive to say. "Agh… hey, you wanna go into town with me," I asked. I was hopeful that he would say yes. I almost feel as if I'm relieving the moment right now. It's almost like I can reach out and trace my fingertips across his cheeks and he would gently lean closer and kiss me. Then he would truly know how I feel. Ross gave me an alluring gaze, and he closed one of his eyes since I'd shifted a tad bit and the sun was directly blinding him. He gave an encouraging expression. I could have sworn that he would have up and left if he was ready this morning; Though he wasn't. "Right now," Ross asked in disbelieve. I'm not sure why but I think he still has a problem believing what I say. I mean why would I even bother mentioning it if didn't want to hang out with him. I want to hang out with him; you have no idea how bad. I feel like I'm flying when he's around and that my deep breath could last forever when I breathe in. I just want to dance on the spot all day, and no matter what people think, I wouldn't care. If I could spend the rest of my days with Ross, I think he would be the only person I would be content with. I mean even the way he asks questions when he's unsure makes me want to grip him by the shoulders, jiggle him about for a moment until he starts cackling like a little girl. And somewhere among all of that, I'd sneak in for my kiss, I'd steal one, and if he wants to give me one, then it wouldn't be taking unintentionally.

So, I'm like, "Yeah sure, if you want to that is," and do you know what he blurts out. I think he wanted to say more, but he caught himself in time. I have a suspicion there is more to Ross than what he lets on. I mean he's smart; cunning in some way or form, and beneath it all, he is still so mysterious. He said, "Of course I want to be with you." Then he cut himself off, and my heart sped up in my chest, and I had so many questions coming to the front of my mind I needed answers for, but I caved. I started to blush; I'm blushing right now as I write this again. God, it feels like I'm there still. It feels like I'm talking to Ross like I was this morning, but instead of the Ross being here the diary has taken his place. I could swear that he was asking me out or something, but maybe it's just me reading into this too much. Perhaps he just meant that he wanted to be with me while I was going into town. Then again, the double meaning of that is giving me butterflies. The funny thing was, when Ross mentioned it earlier he stuttered after he said it before changing his choice of words altogether. Now I'm not sure what to make of it, but it makes me feel anxious to know what he honestly wants to say. He's just too shy to mention something so delicate.

I asked, "you getting dressed first." I sure hope that that wasn't his day clothes because I would have cringed so much if he said he was dressed. I can imagine myself with a fistful of dirty rolling around inside my mouth- at just how cringe-worthy that would or could have been. He mentioned that he needed to change out of his PJs and shower also, so I just told him that I had a couple of errands to run for my mam first. I'm glad that they were is pyjamas and not his everyday close because I would have been mortified. He was happy with that, but while we finished out our conversation, Ross had moved from being fully exposed in front of the door to using the door as a shield of some sort. I hope I didn't make him feel bad or anything. I should have kept my mouth closed about the clothes thing, come to think of it though he didn't state anything about it later either, so I guess I'm in the clear.

So, we awkwardly said and waved goodbye for the short duration. I was a little sad about having to leave him for a bit. If I could have stead their, I would, but I think it was a destiny or something because it gave him a little while to beauty himself up, even when he doesn't have to. He's perfect; also, I've no idea why he'd consider himself a mess. Maybe that's what it was earlier. Perhaps Ross is conscious about his appearance the way girls are when they wake up next to their boyfriend or are dating. I don't know why did not think of it until now but oh well.

When I returned from town, I glanced in unintentionally to the Wilsons house, you know just to see if Ross was in the front garden playing. Though he wasn't, so I just kept walking. I figured that I should give the things mam wanted to her first. Though when I turned onto our lawn, I saw Ross standing outside our garage with my dad. You could certainly say I panicked and walked a lot faster than my legs could keep up with me. Imagine the sight of me; it would have looked like one of those comedies were the superhero takes off, but his legs. They would be left behind, and his body; gone with the wind, or the clothes he was wearing could be left floating in mid-air before collapsing to the ground like a petal falling from a flower. I sped up that driveway as if my life depended on it, and I have no idea why it mattered all that much to me to get to Ross before he said something I didn't want him to say to my dad, or my dad would say something scaring and deeply shameful. I'd never recover from the embarrassment if he ever did it. When I reached them the two of them appeared to be all smiling and giggling, I was at a complete loss to think or what even to say. What could my dad and Ross have in common, nothing I hoped. I just wished they weren't talking about how stupid I am or something. But as soon as I closed in on them, I put my head down nervously and pretended not to take heed that the two of them were there; I was going to go straight into the house, but then I caught a partial of the conversation. They appeared to be talking about Manchester United, about how they won the match by 2-1 against FC Barcelona. I'm not sure why they were talking about it, but I didn't ask. Come to think of it wasn't there a match about a day or two ago maybe that's what they were referring to. Possibly everything about the conversation was just football, yeah by the time I got to the top of the driveway they noticed me. I pretended that I didn't hear them at first, and when I supposedly saw them, I went over to them. Dad was unusually happy; I can't be sure why but if it's Ross then I can see why. He just magically makes anybody's day, even with a smile he manages to make you happy, even if he barely smiles or batters an eye; being in his presence blows me away.

I was about to turn up toward the house when Ross called out, "Adam… Hey!" The way he said it was full of excitement. Ross quickly darted away from my dad, then stopped because he must have felt bad for leaving my dad in the middle of the conversation; so he stopped halfway between the both of us. He glanced back at my dad and then back to me. I'm like "Ah… Hey" I was trying to control my excitement you have no idea how great it was to see him. I offered my dad a hey too, and he just resorted to doing what he was doing in the garage. Ross started in animatedly, and I got these funny feelings in my stomach, it was like something was living in their and crawling around when it wanted to. Every time it did, I felt like I wanted to keel over and hit the floor; because the feeling kept amplifying every time Ross crossed my mind.

Ross cut in, "I decided to knock and see if you want help setting up." I mean I think that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. Give me their time; there was Ross, this adorable, beautiful, every little bit as perfect. The cute boy wanted to help me with something as boringly mundane. The only other person who would help me with something like this would be Carl, but I'd have to rope him into doing it. I must have been smiling like a lunatic when he suggested that. I think my lungs practically gave out at that moment; I was just standing their glancing at him. The way the sun hit his face made it soo…sooo… alive. No… not bustling I don't think I even have the words to describe it. It's just I don't think the word beautiful also comes close to the context of how he looked. I mean just thinking about it right now as I write this makes me almost want to cry because he is indeed a beautiful person, and I don't think he even notices it. He's too humble, he is shy, quiet and collect; most of my friends are the opposite, and I think that's what makes him stand out to me.

So at this point, I'm on the verge of drooling, and I'm trying majorly hard not to bail over like a capsizing whale. The words, "Sure that would be great." Came out in a complete mess if I ever knew one. So, with that, we went around the back and knocked on the window to let my mam see that we were setting up and she gave us the go ahead. The sun was shining high in the sky, and it was still really warm out.

I showed Ross where I intended on setting up the tents, and he said that it was a good idea. I swear he could say that the sky is pink, green and brown and I would still carefully analyse everything he has to say. Anyway, I left him for a few seconds to retrieve some of the tents and camping gear, all the while I was pulling things off shelves, I was contemplating about how things would run when the boys got here. I mean I rang them shortly after the two of us got started on the construction of our overnight homes, but I was more nervous about sleeping in a tent with Ross. He asked me while I was getting the gear, he came and found me and started a conversation. He said, "Hey em… would it be okay if I bunk with you in the tent." To which I didn't know what to say but I just smiled and gave him a nod. Trust me I tried to get the words out to say something, just anything smart but I couldn't. Instead, he just smiled and cupped his hands under a heavy bag that I took down off a higher shelf, and he insisted on taking it.

All afternoon while we assembled the shelters, I couldn't help but look at Ross concentrating. He makes this little pout, but it's not pouting. He curls his bottom lip out when he is figuring out what to do next. The way he fluently hopped from job to job made me fall for him even more. I couldn't help notice he was wearing a pair of these nylon shorts and every time he bounced around his skinny legs would tense and relax everytime he set out what he had to do.

I think Ross is wonderful. Not only is he beautiful but he has patience; though if one thing weird happened today, it was when he asked for a conjoining piece for the tent he was setting up; I was already deep in thought looking at him that I completely spaced out. When Ross called the second time, I snapped out of it. I felt bashful sure, but he didn't seem to mind it, he just turned a little red and smiled. Ross showed teeth; his smile is happiness on earth, it's a mixture of sunshine and fairy dust. I wonder where he gets his supply because he was full of it today. He just asked me for the piece again, and he smiled down at the grass as I handed it to him. Though right now the boys are outside and everyone is getting on for the most part. It's still early, but I'll check in with you tomorrow. Wish me luck… Adam.

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