My Best Friend

by Victor Thomas

Chapter 5

During every gym class the next week I found myself gazing at Todd. I guess I'd always looked at him, but now there was greater purpose in my gaze. I felt drawn to him and to the feelings that looking at his body created. I'd always admired him, even felt kind of a hero worship for him, but those feelings had grown into something more. Those feelings bothered me. He was another boy. I knew I shouldn't be having such thoughts about him. I didn't really want to even think about it. The possibilities were far too disturbing, but the feelings were there, and they were real.

While we were changing in the locker room, my eyes were drawn to his naked body. I remembered jerking off Sunday night, picturing him in my mind. I had the same feelings in my groin in the locker room that I'd had in bed at home. What was happening? Where was this going? Where was it taking me?

I practically devoured him with my eyes before I realized where I was and what I was doing. Staring at a naked boy in the locker room was not a wise idea. I didn't want any of the guys to catch me, and I sure as hell didn't want Todd to catch me at it. I knew what he and the other boys would think if they did. I wasn't sure about what I thought. My feelings were pretty plain, but they left me confused and disoriented. I felt like my entire world was shifting, tilting at an angle that left me off balance. I was struggling to comprehend just what it was that was going on in my head, and with my body.

Todd was the same boy I'd known for years, but was I? I felt changed, almost as if I was a stranger in my own body. Things weren't going as they should've gone. I had a girlfriend, but it was nothing like I'd expected. I liked Allison. I enjoyed spending time with her, but I wasn't head over heels in love with her. I wasn't even in lust with her. She was attractive to be sure, but she just didn't excite me in the way I expected. I felt like my own body was betraying me. Maybe something was wrong, maybe some part of my body wasn't functioning properly. I wondered if I should see a doctor, but I sure didn't want to tell a stranger about such a personal problem.

I looked around the locker room, wondering if any of the other boys had the same problem. I sure as hell wasn't going to ask. That just wasn't the kind of thing one guy asked another. It was just too personal, too private. I wouldn't even ask Todd about something like that.

Things weren't like they should've been with him either. He was my best friend. We were very close. And yet I knew I shouldn't be having the feelings I was having for him. And why couldn't I keep from looking at him? Why did I have such a fascination for his body? After all, it wasn't that different from my own. I pushed my thoughts aside. They were becoming too uncomfortable. It seemed that I'd had to push certain thoughts out of my mind more and more often lately. I didn't want to think about that either.

One thing for sure; I was determined to keep my eyes off him. I wasn't all that successful in my efforts, however. My gaze kept drifting back to him. It was as if I had no control over my own eyes. I was suddenly very afraid. I quickly finished dressing and rushed out of the locker room. I felt like I couldn't breathe in there. It was like I was being suffocated. What was happening to me? What was I going to do about it?

I knew I had to face the thoughts that were going through my mind. I didn't want to face it, but I had to. Could I really be gay? I thought about the feelings I had for Todd. I thought about the way my heart, and body, reacted to him. There was no denying the truth; there was no denying the way he made me feel. What I had to decide is just what those feelings meant.

Could I really be gay? I didn't feel like one, didn't look like one. Then again, I guess I didn't know how a gay person was supposed to feel or look. All I knew was that everything I'd ever heard about gays didn't seem to fit me at all. Well, not much of it anyway. Hell, I was a jock, how the fuck could I be gay? Yes, I felt something when I looked at Todd. I didn't know what it was all about, but I sure as hell wasn't gay!

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