Christmas Without You
by Rob Warr
Chapter 4
Eric and I stayed outside for almost an hour and when we finally came back inside we were surprised to see Juanita, Eric's mom there. She'd come to grab some clothes for mom and to check on us, but it was decided that Eric could stay one more day and ride to school with me in the morning.
If Juanita knew more about dad's condition than we did, she wasn't sharing it, instead telling us to keep praying and to trust in God and the doctors. She told Linda to call her if we needed anything, then she took the small overnight bag she'd packed for mom, gave us hugs all around and a kiss on Eric's cheek and she was gone.
"Did mom call again?" I asked when she was gone.
"Yes, just to tell us Juanita was on the way, she still didn't have any more news about dad. I didn't bother to call you since there wasn't really anything new."
I nodded, "So...he's sick enough that he has to stay in the hospital, and sick enough that mom needs to stay with him," I said frowning, "this is not good."
"Oh, you know how doctors are?" Sammy scoffed, "they always want to run a million tests just to be sure."
"I guess," I said with a shrug.
"I'm going back to my room," Sammy said then.
"Hey, Sammy," I said feeling desperate now, "I was wondering if you wanted to play some Nintendo with me and Eric in my room?"
"Huh? Well, sure. Yeah, that sounds fun," Sammy said actually perking up a little. Maybe he just needed some encouragement to keep him from isolating.
Super Mario Brothers was our favorite, and though we'd beat it several times it always seemed new and exciting when we started over. Eric was a whiz when it came to video games in general, but Sammy and I got plenty of play time too. During one session when it was Eric and Sammy's turn I went to get us drinks and found Linda in the kitchen crying softly.
"Hey," I said screeching to a halt, "are you okay? Did mom call again or something?" I asked feeling panicky, even though I was pretty sure I would have heard the phone ring.
"No, I'm fine," she sniffed, "I just...the last thing I said to dad wasn't very nice."
"Hey, he knows you didn't mean it, whatever it was. He knows we all love him, don't stress over that, okay?" I said daring to hug her. She melted into me and kissed the top of my head.
"Sometimes I forget what a great family I have, and the best little brother ever," she said managing a sad smile now.
"Hey, I got the best big sister," I said grinning, "Dad will be fine, you'll see."
"I know, it's just so unfair, right here at Christmas and all..."
"Well, we still have a week till Christmas, I'm sure he'll be home by then."
"Yeah," she said pulling back and wiping at her eyes, "did you need something?"
"Yeah, I came to get drinks for us," I said fishing in the fridge and pulling out three cans of Mt Dew.
"Let me know when you guys get hungry, I thought we'd order Chinese tonight..."
"And egg rolls, lots of egg rolls," I said as I headed back to my room.
"I know, I know," she laughed.
Dinner was more relaxed than the night before, but we were still a bit on edge. Apparently it didn't hurt our appetite, however, because there were only a few grains of rice left after we'd finished dinner. We broke open our fortune cookies, I guess hoping for some positive sign that things were going to be all right, but all we got was the usual garbage that could mean anything.
Cleanup was easy and we found ourselves in front of the TV again, this time watching a Christmas Movie, A Wonderful Life. It was in black and white, but we still enjoyed it, even if the dad did kind of remind us of our own dad and where he was.
Bedtime was 9 since we all had school the next day, and once again Eric and I showered together. In bed we snuggled as we had the night before, but it took us longer this time to fall asleep. I wasn't looking forward to returning to school even if we only had three full days left before Christmas break. Christmas was on a Monday that year, and this Wednesday was our last official day, till January 2nd.
Still tired and dragging, Eric and I managed to get up, get dressed, swallow a PopTart and make it to the bus on time. The driver, Mr. Garrett didn't seem surprised to see Eric, for this wasn't the first time he'd stayed over and rode the bus with me.
The day dragged, and by lunch time I was ready to let my brain just idle for a while. We hadn't packed a lunch so we went through the cafeteria line and discovered it was pizza day. The pizza wasn't too bad, and we managed to get it down without gagging.
The other boys at our table seemed to notice my melancholy mood, but let's face it, ten-year-olds are not very masterful at dealing with such situations. Instead they maintained a friendly but aloof demeanor and left me alone, which was just fine by me. Eric was my rock, and if not for his presence I think I might not have made it through the day.
That night at home we heard from mom again, but nothing much had changed. More tests, but still no answers, and mom said dad did feel a bit better and the pain meds were helping, though they made him a bit loopy. Juanita came by, we assumed to pick up Eric, but she took one look at us and decided Eric could stay at least one more day. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that, and I hugged Juanita, oblivious of her huge boobs, and thanked her.
"Yo welcome, baby," she said smothering me with her love, "yo daddy gonna be jus fine, you'll see."
Tuesday was more of the same, though we did have a Christmas concert in the auditorium which sort of took my mind off things for a while. However, all those sweet young high voices singing Christmas carols brought tears to my eyes and once again I thought about how unfair it was for dad to be sick this time of year.
Tuesday afternoon we'd barely gotten home from school when mom called and we knew right away something was wrong. She could barely string two words together and she seemed ready to break down at any moment. Linda was crying, and Sammy was pacing nervously, and I was ready to curl up in a ball and suck my thumb like I had when I was two years old. Eric had lost a little of his color as well, and was clinging to me as if he would collapse at any moment.
Without really telling us what was wrong, she hinted that it was serious, but said she didn't want to discuss it over the phone. She'd already called Juanita, and we were instructed to be ready to go with her when she arrived. Then she said she loved us and hung up.
We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, then scrambled to get our jackets, and fifteen minutes later we were in Juanita's Ford Explorer and on the way to the hospital. I hated and feared hospitals, as did most kids, and my one experience there had been to get stitches in the ER when I was six. I'd been carrying a glass of juice, tripped and fell, and the glass shattered and I cut my forearm. Boy, you should've seen the blood. I think I passed out, but mom knew just what to do and she had me in the ER before I could realize just how bad the cut was.
No one spoke for a long time, then Juanita said, "Kids, whatever happens, remember, we love you and you will be fine."
What was she talking about? Whatever happens? What did that mean? However, I was too terrified to ask for fear she'd tell me, and I was still operating under the illusion that if I didn't talk about bad things they wouldn't come to pass. Linda sniffled and Sammy pulled into himself as he always did, staring out the window, lost in his own little world.
The ride seemed to take forever, but the closer we came to the hospital the more I was dreading what lay ahead. I was ten, and had never faced any real adversities in my short life. And up until now I'd always had my parents right by my side to help me get through any emergencies. Now, it was just me and my siblings, well, and Eric, and Juanita, and thank God for them.
Especially Eric, without him right there by my side, holding my hand and sharing his love and warmth with me, I'm not sure I could have made it this far. And, there was more to come, and though I feared the worst, I still held onto a glimmer of hope as long as I had Eric by my side.
Juanita had to park a ways out in the lot, and together we trudged toward the building. I'd figured we'd go to dad's room or at least to the waiting room near there, but instead mom met us at the front doors. I took one look at her and nearly collapsed. She didn't have to utter a single word for me to know that she had bad news for us.
She kissed and hugged all of us, even Eric and Juanita, then led us to a little room off to a side corridor.
"We'll wait out here, honey," Juanita said gathering up Eric, "This is family business."
"Yes, it is, and that's why I want you two to be part of it," mom said taking Juanita's hand, "that is, if you want to."
"Of course, honey. You know we're gonna help in any way we can, so we might as well know what's goin' on."
Inside the small room was a couch and two chairs. I supposed it was a conference room where doctors talked to families of patients but mom had gotten permission to use it to talk to us that day. I felt suffocated in the small windowless room and the smell of fear and anxiety was thick in the air.
Mom sighed and began, "I'm not going to lie to you kids, it's bad. Dad has a brain tumor, and...it's...it's malignant. And...worst of all, it's spread to other parts of his brain and is inoperable. Do you know what that means?"
I couldn't believe how calm mom was while laying this news out for us. What wasn't she telling us? Surely there must be a silver lining here somewhere, medicine, or maybe it would just go away. I was clinging to any hope, but then she went on, this time a slight hitch in her voice and tears in her eyes.
"This morning...dad had a mild stroke, and he's in a coma now."
I heard Linda sob then and Sammy looked as if he wanted to bolt from the room and run screaming all the way back home. I was too numb to cry, yet, and just sat staring at mom, waiting for her to go on.
"He may not recover from the stroke, he may never regain consciousness, but even if he does the doctors say he only has a month or two at most."
She seemed to be reciting this without emotion, and for a moment I was terribly angry at her. Then I suddenly realized that she was in shock and probably hurting more than all of us put together. This was her husband. The man she'd loved forever and had hoped to grow old with. And now, he was dying and she could do nothing about it. I suddenly felt such sympathy for her that I forgot my own grief and climbed into her lap.
I didn't speak, I couldn't, but her arms went around me and we both began to cry. Behind us I heard Eric's soft sobs and Juanita's soothing voice as she tried to comfort her son as well as Sammy and Linda.
I don't know how long we sat there in that little room, but eventually our tears ran out and we straightened up and waited for what came next.
"Would you like to see him, kids? I've arranged for you to visit him two at a time. I thought maybe you and Linda could go first, then I'll go in with Tommy," my mom said to Sammy.
"I...want to," I said, lowering my head, "but is he all hooked up to machines and stuff?" I said, remembering seeing such things on TV.
"No, well...he has an IV and some monitoring devices, but he's breathing on his own. He's just in a coma. He looks like he's sleeping, that's all."
I nodded, "I want to, then," I said looking at Sammy and Linda who also nodded.
"I'm afraid they won't let you or Eric in, but there's a nice waiting area near his room."
"That's fine honey," Juanita said pulling my mom into a hug and patting her gently. She whispered something in mom's ear and she nodded, but I never found out what she said.
We rode the elevator to the second floor, my stomach in danger of emptying at any moment, but I wanted to stay strong and see this through. Would this be the last time I ever saw my father alive? I wondered, and that almost made me start bawling again. How could this be happening? Dad was always so healthy, so vibrant, so alive, and now...now he lay in a bed dying.
The chime brought me out of my thoughts as the door slid open and we followed mom out of the elevator. She led us to a small but orderly waiting area and Juanita found a seat and Eric plopped down beside her.
"Who's first?" Mom asked.
"Me, please," I said, afraid that if I waited any longer I'd either pass out or change my mind.
"All right," mom said without consulting Sammy or Linda, who just nodded and found seats, looking like two condemned prisoners who'd just been granted a stay of execution.
Fortunately, we didn't have to walk far, and when we reached the nurse's station a kind looking older lady greeted mom with a somber but sympathetic look.
"This must be Tommy," the lady said, surprising me, "you're a fine looking boy. Take after your mom, I'd guess."
"Yes, ma'am," I said sadly, suddenly wishing I'd taken after my dad like my siblings had. What, why? As a tribute to him perhaps.
"There's been no change," the nurse said, "you can stay five minutes, but who's timing?" she said giving mom a sad smile.
"Come on, honey," she said to me as she slipped an arm around me.
Suddenly I wasn't so sure about this, but mom's hand was firmly guiding me along, and there was no going back now.
I expected dad's room to have a glass window like those you see on TV, but it turned out he was in a regular looking room. There was only one bed, surrounded by some equipment and the usual IV stand, and lying on the bed covered from toe to neck was my dad.
I'm not sure what I expected, but mom was right. He just looked like he was sleeping. Someone, probably mom, had even shaved him and combed his hair and he looked handsome even in a coma.
I felt the urge to fling myself on him and kiss him and beg him to come back to us, not to die, but instead I just stood there, tears dripping from my eyes as I thought about what lay ahead. Dad and I had always been close, and I'd always thought of myself as his 'favorite', even though looking back I realize he treated the others as well as he did me. He was fair and loving, and always had time for us, and I was really looking forward to little league and his being my coach or at least assistant coach. So much would be lost if my father died. I didn't worry about the financial end, it was only the emotional toll that worried me, that tore my heart out, and even though I tended to be self-centered sometimes, I worried most about mom.
What would she do? How would she survive? She and dad were so close. They were still lovers, and though I didn't like to think about that much I knew they still made love and rather noisily. Not something a kid wants to know about their parents, but looking at it now I realized it just meant that they still loved each other as much as they had when they were younger.
"You can move closer honey, talk to him if you want. Who knows? he might be able to hear you and understand even if he can't reply."
I nodded, we didn't have much time, and this might be my last chance to see dad while he was still...alive, I thought, suppressing a sob.
I stepped to his bedside and looked down at his handsome features. For a moment I thought about kissing him. Didn't that always work in the movies? The handsome prince kissed the princess and she awoke. Well, dad wasn't a princess and I wasn't a prince, but wasn't it worth a try?
"Dad, it's me, Tommy," I whispered, the sound of my own voice surprising me, as if it belonged to someone else, "I'm sorry you're sick, umm...we're all praying for you, dad. Please get better and come back to us," I said finally breaking down.
I couldn't help it, I was just a dumb little kid who wanted his daddy and I fell onto his chest and sobbed and begged him to get better. Mom finally came over to stand behind me, her arms around me to comfort me, but she made no move to pull me away. I could hear her soft sobbing and I felt guilty for making her feel even worse. If I was gonna help her get through this I had to be stronger and act more mature, but it was so hard. I wanted my daddy.
"Baby, we have to go," mom said finally pulling me to her, "you can visit again tomorrow, okay?'
I nodded and wiped at my runny nose, then my tear-stained eyes. I sniffed back a few tears and straightened up and allowed her to lead me to the door. At the door I hesitated, then turned to dad and said, "I'll see ya tomorrow, okay? I love you, dad."
Apparently Linda and Sammy didn't fare any better with their visit to dad. Both were crying when they finally emerged and Linda went directly to mom and collapsed into her arms. Thank God I had Eric to lean on, but Sammy looked lost and alone and I couldn't bear the thought of his suffering alone.
"Come on," I whispered to Eric as I stood and headed to where Sammy was seated on a couch, his head so low it was practically in his lap. I sat on one side, Eric on the other, and as if by some unspoken message we leaned in at the same time and wrapped Sammy up in our arms. At first he seemed surprised, then he relaxed and allowed himself to be comforted by his little brothers.
Once we'd all settled down, mom pulled us all together and told us what was next.
"I'm going to stay with him, for as long as it takes. Juanita is going to come stay with you kids, and Eric, of course, will stay too. She will bring you kids to the hospital each day to visit, and I will call you if there is any change. Since tomorrow was your last day of school till the holiday, you may stay home if you wish. That's up to you. I expect you kids to be on your best behavior with Juanita and remember she has the same power over you as me or dad would. She seemed sad then having mentioned dad's name, but it was a stark reminder that we kids needed to honor our father by obeying Juanita.
It was finally time to go, and mom walked us downstairs to the entrance. After hugs and kisses we finally departed and walked to Juanita's SUV.
"I know you kids gotta be hungry," Juanita said then, "and granny Brown has dinner all fixed and ready for us."
"We're going to your house?" Linda asked.
"Yes, for dinner, and so me and Eric can pack a few things for our stay."
I really didn't feel like being around other people, but Eric's grandparents were just so lovable, and the food was so good, I almost forgot that my life was being torn apart. After dessert, apple tarts with whipped cream, I helped Eric pack a few things while his mom did the same.
By nine we were back at our house and suddenly found ourselves exhausted and ready for bed. We didn't even shower that night and fell into bed in our dirty underwear and snuggled up and were soon fast asleep.
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