Strong Enough
by Nico Grey
II
"What do you mean, everybody likes Tyler?" Caleb asked. "If everybody likes him, why does he eat alone every day?"
Abby sighed. Caleb was surprised when it was her turn to blush and hang her head.
"It's a long story?"
But she knew that wasn't an adequate answer. And Abby had enough self-confidence to provide more details, even if they embarrassed her.
"He's really beautiful. But you know that."
Abby glanced at Caleb and now it was his turn to be embarrassed.
"He's also really tiny. He always has been small for his age, going all the way back to kindergarten."
Caleb was relieved that he didn't need to do anything more than look interested. Abby didn't hesitate in her narration.
"Back when we were in seventh grade, around the time most boys are starting to get interested. You know?" she looked into his eyes to make the thought clear, then blushed suddenly. "Well, get interested in whoever they're going to be interested in."
It was an awkward moment for both Abby and Caleb.
"Tyler was getting interested, too." Abby looked sympathetically at Caleb. "In some of the girls. And it was kind of hard for him to keep his interest a secret, if you know what I mean."
Caleb turned bright red. The blood rushing to his face didn't ease his consternation.
"So if everyone likes him, what was the problem?" he wondered.
"At first, nothing," Abby said. "We were all flattered, I think. We were interested ourselves. Even excited. But none of us was confident enough in ourselves to say anything to him."
"How does that end up with him eating alone every day?" Caleb asked.
"Lexxi Sprague," Abby explained. "Do you know her yet?"
Caleb wasn't sure.
"She's like the top of the food chain in our class," Abby said. "She sort of calls a lot of the shots with the popular girls. Tyler was really into her, back when we were in seventh grade."
Caleb waited for the explanation to make sense. He couldn't figure out how being interested in the most popular girl in class turned Tyler into a social pariah, especially one that Abby claimed everyone still liked.
"Lexxi figured out that Tyler was hung up on her."
"So why didn't she just tell him she was flattered but not interested, like a normal person would?"
"That's the important point," Abby smirked. "Lexxi isn't a normal person."
"And she didn't like him." Caleb felt a wave of sympathy for the little guy.
Abby's expression was difficult to interpret.
"Actually, I think she did. But she thought that the smallest guy in class chasing her around like a lovesick puppy was bad for her reputation."
Caleb was starting to wonder if transferring to Silver River hadn't been a huge mistake. Life in Keene had been confusing. But at least most of it made sense after a while.
"Some of the other girls were teasing Lexxi about Tyler. Jokes about his height, you know. Whether he would be able to ride all the attractions with her if they went on a date to an amusement park. She was used to being in charge, so she couldn't put up with what felt like disrespect.
"She came up with a plan. For our winter talent show." Abby had trouble meeting Caleb's eyes. "Lexxi can sing. And she can play guitar a little bit, too. So she signed up to sing and play for the talent show and had a bunch of girls back her up.
"And when she got on stage, she called Tyler out and sang to him."
Caleb began to wonder if he really wanted to hear the rest of the story.
"She was singing an old Sheryl Crow song. But she changed the lyrics a bit. And when she got to the last verse," Abby seemed extremely uncomfortable, "she sang 'We can't see you, even when you raise your hand. You're not tall enough to be a man' . . ." There really wasn't much more to say.
Caleb felt another surge of empathy for the kid. He understood humiliation. Public humiliation. Very public humiliation. But even he couldn't imagine being cut down so viciously.
"Why didn't the rest of you do something?" he demanded. "You could have showed him that you didn't feel the same way."
Abby still had trouble making eye contact.
"Most of the popular girls were on stage with Lexxi. She asked them to be her backup singers."
"Well maybe you could have approached him quietly. Just to let him know that you were on his side. I mean, it didn't have to be public if you were afraid to challenge the queen of mean."
Abby really struggled with her response.
" I didn't sing. . . But I was up there. On stage."
Caleb refused to sit with Abby on their bus ride home that afternoon.
It actually took Caleb more than a week to calm down enough to let Abby speak with him again.
In his defense, the pattern was too similar, the pain too familiar. Whenever he thought about what had happened to Tyler, his own pain and humiliation returned almost as intensely as it had felt while it was happening to him.
The week was difficult for Caleb. He had started to think he might finally have a friend in Abby. Then he found himself completely friendless again. More than two months at his new school, and he hadn't made any sort of human connection yet.
Six weeks earlier, he would have accepted the status cheerfully. That Caleb would have viewed being anonymous and alone as an ideal situation. But after weeks of a growing friendship with Abby, it hurt to be alone again.
Caleb thought about approaching Tyler. He just couldn't figure out the right way to do it or the right words to say. Something about understanding Tyler's pain so intimately actually made it harder to create a connection with him. Feeling Tyler's pain made him experience his own pain all over again, which made him feel ashamed of himself and certain that anyone coming in contact with him would be disgusted by him. It was hard to understand. But it made it impossible for Caleb to act.
Part of the difficulty was also knowing both how furious he had been whenever anyone tried to reach out to him after his own humiliation, while at the same time craving for any human connection that he could trust. It was a complex and volatile blend of emotion that Caleb couldn't figure out how to decode, despite having lived through it.
When he finally did answer Abby's knock on the door, it was as much from emotional exhaustion as from any willingness to forgive her for what she had done to him. . . or to Tyler. She was more cautious, stopping to make eye contact with Caleb, asking for permission, before setting her lunch tray down at his table.
She didn't beat around the bush. And she didn't make excuses.
"I know that I wasn't a nice person," she admitted. "I didn't know exactly what Lexxi planned to do. But I should have known better than to play any part in it."
"Why didn't you apologize? It's been almost three years and you didn't even try to tell him you're sorry!" he accused.
Abby hung her head.
"I wanted to. And I did try, Caleb. I like Tyler. I always have," she exhaled in defeat. "But he hasn't let us anywhere near him since the day it happened. He only started eating lunch in the cafeteria again around the middle of last year."
"What about the other kids? The ones that weren't part of the show?" he asked.
"I don't know," Abby admitted. "Maybe some tried to talk to him and he refused? I think that a lot of them were afraid to come anywhere near him. After a public humiliation like that, they were just too scared to be associated with him. It was middle school." It wasn't much of an explanation, even if it did make perfect sense. She shrugged helplessly.
"Didn't he have any friends?"
"Not close friends," she explained. "Everybody liked Tyler. But he didn't have a really tight crew. I don't know why. But that age can be like that. Where you live, your athletic teams and other activities, are the foundation of friendships. One year you have a crew because you do the things they do. The next year the friend groups reshuffle as people's lives and interests change. I guess he had been doing stuff on his own for a year or two."
"What things does he do?" Caleb wondered.
"Now? I'm really not sure. He lives south of Antioch, close to Route 42, maybe a mile or two north of where I live. I think it's just him and his mom. He doesn't do the usual sports, but I think he spends a lot of time outdoors, hiking and exploring. You know the sort of thing."
"Biking?" Caleb asked. Then he wondered why. He hadn't been able to bring himself to get back on his bicycle since the incident.
Abby shrugged. "I've never seen him on a bike. But he keeps those hot little legs toned doing something."
The observation made Caleb wince visibly. Abby glanced at him uncertainly, concerned that perhaps it had been too soon for such a personal observation.
Caleb shifted his gaze across the cafeteria and studied Tyler carefully. "Well, we need to do something for him," he decided. "Maybe he doesn't want any friends. But he should know that people want to be his friend, if that's something that he wants."
Abby looked concerned.
"You should know that he's probably straight," she cautioned.
"Is he homophobic?" Caleb worried.
"Not homophobic," Abby said. "I'm pretty sure that Tyler wouldn't have a problem with that. But he probably won't be interested, if that's what you're thinking. . ."
Caleb blushed.
"Maybe the first time I saw him," he admitted. "But that's not why I want to help him now. Let's say that I understand how he feels."
Her eyebrows lifted.
"I just know," he insisted.
The message was clear. 'I have a story. I may share it with you someday. But not until I'm confident that I can trust you completely.'
He didn't understand why, but it took Caleb three more days to approach Tyler. All he knew is that he didn't want to make any mistakes. He wanted the guy to know that someone cared. But he didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable.
Caleb set his lunch tray down at his usual table. Then he crossed the cafeteria to the table where Tyler was sitting alone.
"Hi. I'm Caleb," he introduced himself quietly. "I'm kind of new here and haven't met many people yet. I think it would be cool if you want to join me for lunch," he gestured toward his table, "or if you'd let me join you." He really didn't have anywhere to go from there.
The guy never looked up from his lunch tray. Caleb could tell from his body language that he knew he had company and was made very uncomfortable by the intrusion.
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I shouldn't have disturbed you." He turned away.
The voice was pitched a little higher than Caleb expected. It sounded faintly regretful to him.
"It's okay. I just feel better when I'm alone." There was a long pause. "Thanks for asking."
Caleb smiled tentatively.
"I understand. But if you ever change your mind, I usually eat over there." He indicated the general direction of his table.
It felt like dozens of pairs of eyes were following him back to his seat.
Part of Caleb wanted to simply leave poor Tyler alone. Another part really wanted to help heal whatever psychological harm had been inflicted on him. His therapist had talked to him about how a compulsion to help others could be a way to avoid having to address his own problems. But to Caleb, it still felt like the right thing to do.
Abby was supportive, although she did draw the line at approaching Tyler directly. She was certain that the passage of so much time had hardened Tyler's perspective on her into concrete. Caleb suspected that she was also so guilt-ridden over her role in his public humiliation that she couldn't bring herself to approach him.
She was willing to continue talking about the past, perhaps to help herself understand what had happened and why everyone involved had behaved as they had. It certainly didn't seem rational.
Lexxi's behavior was hard enough to understand. She wasn't a nice person. She was selfish and almost completely self-absorbed. But she also wasn't an evil person. She had thought of her own needs and never really stopped to think about how her behavior might affect Tyler.
"Does she regret what she did?" Caleb wondered.
"Every day!" Abby was certain of that. "But not for hurting Tyler. She really wants him. But now he won't let any of us near him. That's what she regrets."
"And the other girls?" Caleb was tactful enough to not remind Abby that also included her.
"I really don't know," Abby admitted. "We all feel bad about what happened. Now a lot of us even feel bad about what we did. But when we did it, we really weren't thinking about what it would do to Tyler.
"We were twelve. We were curious about trying out a new experience. It was exciting. We let Lexxi decide what we would do. In our minds, she was responsible. It was only after the talent show, when we saw how much it hurt Tyler, that some of us thought about the consequences and started to understand that we had helped Lexxi hurt him.
"None of us, not even Lexxi, I'm pretty sure, really wanted to hurt him. But we didn't think through what might happen. And we didn't think we would be responsible. We were just doing what we were told to do. The person that told us was responsible."
Caleb was incredulous.
"If Lexxi didn't want to hurt Tyler, what did she think shaming him like that would accomplish?"
"I can't be sure," Abby pondered. "I think she wanted him. But she hated being teased about his height. Maybe she even resented him for not being taller. And maybe she thought that shaming him like that would put him in his place, and then she could have him? But she would be in charge. Maybe?" She looked even more confused than she had when she started answering the question.
"I think it has something to do with power," she continued, her thoughts gathering coherence as she went along. "Usually the guy has more power in a relationship. But a lot of girls still want power and control. They just have to be more subtle about how they exercise it. But with Tyler? I think maybe that was Lexxi's way of staking claim to power. She would just put him in his place and then she could control him. It didn't work out the way she thought it would."
Caleb could only shake his head. But Abby's explanation left echoes of patterns ringing in his ears.
Caleb wondered if digging into her past transgression might affect his relationship with Abby. They had only been friends for a handful of weeks. Then he had rejected her for more than a week. It was a tentative foundation for a friendship. He was surprised that she continued to see him daily on the bus, at lunch, and often called during the evening.
He also wondered why Abby remained so interested in him after finding out that a romantic bond wasn't likely to happen for them. Caleb had been honest with her. He liked her. He found her physically attractive; even somewhat sexually attractive. But he had much stronger feelings of attraction toward guys. He was pretty sure that was the path his life would take.
Instead of disappointment— although there was some— and discouragement, Abby responded enthusiastically by trying to help Caleb find his soul mate.
Options were a little thin at Silver River. The high school population was barely four hundred students, only half of them guys. Caleb complicated matters further by suggesting that he'd rather be with someone his own age, maybe even a year younger, than with an older guy. What limited experience he had made him insecure around guys older than himself. The power dynamic would make him uncomfortable.
Abby was pretty sure there had to be some gay guys in their class, although she didn't know of any that were definitely gay. She suggested the freshman with the long, dark hair. She was pretty sure that the way he followed the red-haired kid around had to mean something. But Caleb didn't encourage that line of thought. He was actually shocked when she suggested that there had to be a few gay boys in the middle school.
He really hated to spoil Abby's fun, but Caleb decided that love would just have to find him. He really wasn't eager to go looking for it. Looking for love triggered uncomfortable memories for him. There were patterns there that he wasn't eager to repeat.
Caleb was almost willing to consider seeking out some of Abby's gay seventh or eighth grade boys after she announced that, with his "love hunt" temporarily on hold, it might be time for him to start sharing his past with her. She understood that there was something he had been holding back. Friends really shouldn't keep things from each other.
Caleb still wasn't ready to share most of that humiliating story. But he did confess to Abby that he had been outed while he was in eighth grade, that the news had somehow spread to the wider community, and that precipitated the slow motion disintegration of his life in Keene.
First he lost his friend group. Then it began to affect his home life. His father hadn't been sympathetic to start with. But when word of Caleb's sexual interest reached the broader community, it began to affect the family financially.
Caleb's father was part-owner in a family business that served the local agricultural community, a conservative group. When the business' customers started acting skittish about doing business with "those Bradfords", something had to be done. The family insisted on it. And Caleb's father wasn't inclined to be supportive anyway.
During the course of Caleb's ninth grade year in high school, his father and mother were hammering out their differences behind the scenes. Word of the pending divorce only reached Caleb during the final month of the school year.
Donald and Nicole Bradford were divorced in July. As part of the divorce settlement, it was agreed that Donald would pay a more generous child support until Caleb turned eighteen, provided that he and Nicole left New Hampshire.
Donald offered an even larger child support payment if Nicole agreed to legally change Caleb's surname. And while by that time Caleb really wouldn't have minded, Nicole put her foot down and refused. She was already working in Brattleboro, Vermont. She would make a new home for Caleb in Vermont, somewhere in the area around Brattleboro. She wasn't going to force him to change his identity just to suit the backward views of Donald's family and the farming community around Keene.
Abby was rather shocked by Caleb's story. She knew that some people were less progressive than her family. But the idea of refusing to do business with the family of a gay kid, or his family wanting to excise that same kid from their ancestral tree, was the stuff of ancient history; or at least she had always thought so.
However, Caleb's suggestion that his sexuality had somehow become a community-wide scandal didn't escape her notice. Something seemed unusual. She didn't say anything at the time. But she was curious about that.
During his first nine weeks at Silver River Union High School, Caleb hadn't noticed Evander Cross. Or at least he hadn't paid any attention to him. But Van had noticed Caleb.
Below the average height for guys his age, with his slight-to-average physique, and an oval face with symmetrical features, Caleb was hard for someone like Van to miss. Van thought that Caleb's green eyes were striking, as was the pale blond hair that always seemed to suggest a breeze was about to pick up. Van thought those features were pretty; too pretty, in Van's opinion.
What was particularly noticeable about Caleb, at least from Van's perspective, was that Abby West seemed to be with him almost every minute of every school day. And that didn't seem right to Van. That didn't fit Van's view of the proper order of things.
Van wasn't the top dog at Silver River Union High School. To be fair, he was a long way from top dog. But he was still a pretty big fish. He was a big enough fish to think that he was entitled to whatever he wanted. He was quite sure of that.
Van was a junior. He played on the varsity soccer team and would play basketball as soon as that sport's season began in a few weeks. That meant something in the social order at Silver River.
Van was also a bit of a computer expert. He didn't flaunt his talent at school. But he did spend a lot of his free time at home exploring the limits of what computer technology and the internet had to offer.
Someday that talent and knowledge would translate into power and money for Van. It would make people eager to please Van, to earn his favor. That was the natural order of things. Van believed that people should bend to the will of those with power.
From Van's perspective, the world was definitely off kilter. It was out of balance. He decided that he had a responsibility to get the world back into balance. He just needed to figure out what to do to make that happen.
Caleb was surprised to discover that he no longer greeted the start of each weekend with a sense of relief. Sometimes he even woke up on Saturday morning feeling adrift, like the day had no purpose. He felt vaguely uneasy. He supposed it meant that he was starting to feel more comfortable at school.
Often his mother would spend part of the day with Caleb. Sometimes they attended events in the area, or went shopping together. Occasionally Nicole and her son explored the wilderness that made up a large part of Judah. She was still young and active enough to keep up with her teenage son, and she enjoyed the solitude in the woods and hills almost as much as he was coming to enjoy it.
Caleb was adjusting to living in a community where there was a lot more wildlife than people. At first, it had been a bit of a culture shock, after living his first fifteen years in a small city. But he was starting to enjoy the open spaces and the way he was learning to rely on his own resources. Reflecting on his final two years living in Keene, he realized that it was being constantly surrounded by people that had made his life there so miserable.
When his mother wasn't free to spend time with him, Caleb found himself hiking the wooded trails that stitched the town together. He often brought his sketchbook and pencils with him. It was a rare walk when he didn't discover some new scene that insisted on being captured on paper.
Sometimes Caleb brought an easel and his watercolors or pastels up the slope behind his house. The view from the overlook wasn't spectacular. But there was something comforting, even peaceful, about the expanse of trees and hills against the distant Green Mountains, with the occasional dwelling nestled among trees in the valleys below. And there had been some scenes he had recently captured, during foliage season, that really did qualify as spectacular.
Sitting at his easel, atop the overlook, Caleb tried to create the view he had seen during his first visit to the spot, on the night of his fifteenth birthday. He had felt adrift and abandoned that night. The scene he saw now in his mind's eye felt far more welcoming than the scene he had experienced two months earlier.
The only unwelcome change since that night was that it felt much colder atop the hill than it had in late August. Winter was announcing its pending arrival.
Caleb understood that cold weather would bring changes that were much more challenging in a rural area than they had been in a city. He would have to learn and adapt. It was all part of becoming more self-sufficient, and he was pretty sure that he welcomed the challenge.
Of course, winter would also bring Christmas. Caleb was still young enough to look forward to the season of giving. . . and getting. His mother had already warned him that while she planned a comfortable Christmas celebration for the two of them, there might be a little less money to spend than in the past.
Caleb had caught his mother inventorying his art supplies, so he was sure that she would restock anything that might need replacement during the next few months. He also had the sense that she had been fishing for ideas about any large gift he wanted. That had been a tradition of Bradford family Christmases.
When his mother casually mentioned the possibility that a mountain bike might be useful for exploring the area, Caleb had shivered. He still couldn't even think about mounting a bicycle. Just the idea made him feel vulnerable. But the suggestion did help him realize that the wheels were already turning in his mother's head.
Thinking about a big Christmas gift, Caleb wondered about the possibility of getting a telescope. There was a broad expanse of sky visible from the overlook, and the dim house lights in Judah made that sky appear much more brilliant than it had ever looked in Keene. He wondered what the full assault of a meteor shower would look like through a telescope.
He had considered the possibility of owning a camera. He enjoyed capturing the natural beauty on display in Judah on paper. But a camera would allow him to record dozens of scenes every time he wandered off into the hills.
Caleb had also been thinking about some companionship. When he first moved to Judah, at least part of him had been looking forward to being alone. He felt betrayed by people; especially by the expectations they placed on him.
But as a new normality slowly emerged in his life, as he became somewhat comfortable in his new community, and his friendship with Abby grew, something inside Caleb began to miss connections with other living things. Even his hikes along wooded trails sometimes felt like they might be more enjoyable if he could share them. Caleb thought that a telescope or camera would make nice Christmas presents, but he was seriously considering asking his mother for a dog.
Caleb arrived in the cafeteria early on Monday— or at least early for him. Usually he had to hurry to get to the lunch room from the opposite side of the school. But his Biology teacher had been pleased with her class and decided to release them a few minutes before the period ended; letting them out early for good behavior, she claimed.
Caleb was sure it was just his imagination, but everything smelled just a little fresher and looked a little better as he passed through the serving line and loaded his lunch tray. He set the tray down on his usual table, then glanced around an almost deserted cafeteria.
He was surprised to see Tyler leaving the serving area; more surprised when he glanced toward Caleb, did a slight double-take, then started walking in his direction. Caleb did his best to look welcoming.
Tyler was halfway to Caleb's table when Caleb noticed movement out of the corner of his eye and heard the chair being pulled back on the other side of the table. He turned to see Abby set her lunch down on the table and herself down in the chair.
By the time his attention returned toward the serving line, Tyler was shuffling toward his customary table. Caleb thought he could read disappointment in the set of Tyler's shoulders. He could feel disappointment in his own stomach.
"Do you see something you like?" Abby asked as she tried to follow the direction of his gaze.
Caleb shrugged.
"I thought Tyler was headed this way. But I guess not."
Abby read the unspoken message.
"I'm sorry, Caleb. I didn't realize."
"Would you mind if I go offer to eat with him?" Caleb asked.
"Of course not. But I'm not sure that's a good idea." Abby looked like a doctor about to deliver some bad news. "I'm not just saying this because I enjoy your company. I think you may want me around. For protection." She grinned.
"Lexxi is kind of interested. She talks about you. But she thinks you're with me. She's between boyfriends at the moment. If she sees us apart, she'll pounce. And she wouldn't take a polite 'no' for an answer. Things could get messy for you."
Caleb winced.
"Seriously? Why me?"
"Well I hate to be the one that has to tell you this, but you are kind of cute." She paused to consider. "And it might not be good if you're around Tyler when she makes her move. I think that would really freak him out."
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