Pirates Are People Too
by Nico Grey
Chapter 7
Later that night, lying in bed, Jake found himself second-guessing, for perhaps the hundredth time— he wondered if that didn't mean that he was hundred-and-second-guessing himself— his decision to share so much about himself with Ish. At the time, he had reluctantly concluded that it would help him illustrate a point about Ian, as well as help Ish understand that his friends still valued him despite his occasional insensitivity. He had been reasonably certain of his decision at the time. But lying in bed? Not so much.
He was starting to realize that he could have made his points without revealing so much about himself. On the positive side, Ish hadn't immediately run away screaming. But he had seemed awfully disappointed. As Jake realized, he also would probably be disappointed if he learned that a new friend had recently committed public pornography.
Before he opened his mouth, Jake had internally justified his planned revelation as both a good way to explain his friendship with Ian, but also to demonstrate his willingness to be completely honest with Ish; that he didn't keep secrets from his friends. And as he replayed events in his mind, he realized that, while he hadn't really been aware of it at the time, the thought of revealing that story to Ish had given him a bit of a thrill.
Jake decided that he would never share that insight with Ish, no matter what. It was bad enough that Ish knew he was capable of doing that sort of thing in public. But if he ever found out that Jake got excited when he thought about what had happened, Ish would really be disgusted.
A momentary lapse in judgment could perhaps be justified. But actually wanting to share that story with others was completely depraved.
It took a while before physical and mental exhaustion finally claimed Jake and allowed him to sleep.
Jake was excited to finally be racing with his cross country team again. Three weeks between races felt like an awfully long time to a fifteen-year-old. That he was running with the JV squad that Saturday only tempered his excitement slightly. He knew he needed a little more time to get back to the form he had been in before his injury. Running with the junior varsity was a step in that direction.
Jake was even more excited when his race concluded. For the first time in his life, he had won a cross country race. The win was exhilarating. But he was elated by what it meant; that Coach Miller would almost certainly tap him to run with the varsity squad the following Saturday.
The varsity race had been exciting, too. Ball Mountain won by a single point over a strong Mount Carmel squad. Watching the nail-biting finish, Jake thought that if he and Ish continued to improve, Ball Mountain stood as good a chance as any team in Vermont of winning the state championship.
Josiah had decided against a training run on the day of a race once again. Jake suggested to Ish that they hang out in the village that evening. He was disappointed to learn that Ish already had plans. A small voice in the back of his head suggested that his revelation to Ish earlier in the week really hadn't been a good idea.
Something had changed, or at least something certainly felt very different, Jake concluded during the course of the following week. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. At times, he even wondered if the feeling was entirely in his own head. But it sure felt like the easy companionship that had been developing between him and Ish, suddenly wasn't quite so easy any more.
Ish seemed happy to see Jake waiting for him on their walk to the bus stop each morning. They still found topics of conversation that engaged them. But Jake thought that the conversation between them doesn't flow as easily as it once had. It felt more guarded. Jake didn't understand what had changed. He only knew that something was different.
Jake tried to puzzle it out. He thought that his attitude toward Ish was the same as it had always been. He still liked him. A lot. He wanted to spend time with him. For weeks, Jake had even been hoping for some sign that his father was right and that Ish was interested in guys. Whatever his father thought about it, Jake wouldn't have minded one bit!
But apparently his father had been wrong about Ish. Or, Jake concluded, Ish wasn't interested in getting involved with someone like Jake, who was willing to have sex in public. Jake was starting to feel very conflicted about that entire episode. Thinking back on what happened did still get him a little excited. But the predominant feeling when Jake thought about it was disgust; disgust that he had so few principles that he was willing to do something like that in front of almost a dozen people!
By the time the week ended, Jake was really feeling down on himself. He decided that, rather than impose on the generous nature of his friends, he'd become less of a burden on them. He wouldn't force them to endure his participation in their camaraderie. Jake determined to drift toward the outer edges of his friends' activities and conversations. Eventually, he figured, he'd just quietly slip out of their orbit. That would probably prove best for everyone.
Jake wasn't ordinarily a very dramatic person. But that week, his inner drama had upped its game considerably. It bordered on melodrama.
His friends were quietly beginning to wonder to themselves why Jake just didn't seem to be himself. By the end of their run Friday night, even Mercury had noticed. He pulled Jake aside for a quiet conversation. Together, they wandered off toward a small, familiar copse in the trees.
Mercury proved an ideal sounding board for Jake's self-doubts. He was struggling with similar issues. They had a lot in common. A less-than-supportive home environment for a young man just figuring out that an ecclesiastically-sanctioned lifestyle was likely not in his future. Parental disapproval of alternative lifestyles. Shame over a public sexual display. Self-loathing.
For Jake, it was liberating to talk to someone that shared his challenges and his self-doubts. He immediately felt less isolated. It made him question his negative self-image if someone he admired, like Mercury, was going through similar experiences.
For Mercury, it was an opportunity to give something back to Jake for the way he and Josiah had cared for him. Precisely where that urge came from might have been difficult for Mercury to explain. His home wasn't big on the idea of caring for others, or even for doing unto others. . . But Mercury had felt something when he realized that Jake was going through an emotionally difficult time. He wanted to help.
Eventually, their conversation turned to Jake's feelings about his public sexual encounter with Ian. He explained that he had been overwhelmed by the moment and the physical sensations, and humiliated by the aftermath, but still found himself weirdly fixated on thinking about that moment.
That didn't really surprise Mercury. He had been thinking about that moment a lot in recent weeks, too. Cautiously, he admitted as much to Jake; and that he could relate to Jake's feelings. Mercury had been shamed when his friends noticed his over-excited response to watching Jake and Josiah kiss. And even though the circumstances had felt safer to him, it was still pretty embarrassing to have Josiah and Jake help peel the tape and condom carefully off him, and to see the aftermath of his excitement at watching Ian have his way with Jake.
Mercury and Jake struggled with the idea that thinking about their own sexual humiliation was somehow exciting. That didn't make sense. Those two feelings seemed quite opposite from each other. But they couldn't deny what they were feeling.
And somehow, that felt reassuring to Jake. He had serious doubts about himself. But if someone as cool as Mercury felt the same way, it was just possible that maybe he wasn't as big a pervert as he feared.
They ended up sitting on the ground, leaning against each other and a large oak tree, while they exchanged confidences. Jake was surprised to discover that Mercury shared most of Jake's own attitudes and concerns about their developing sexuality.
They were both attracted to guys, and somewhat conflicted about that attraction. Both accepted their feelings, but Jake worried that his father might not take the news well if he found out that Jake was 'one of them'. Mercury knew that his father could never find out. Because once he did, one way or another, Mercury wouldn't have a father anymore.
Both Jake and Mercury admitted that the idea of sex was exciting, but also intimidating. Emotions got a little too wild, physical responses were too unpredictable.
Jake explained that while sex with Ian had been pretty exciting, he had found that making out with Josiah was even more satisfying and just as arousing.
"I think I passed out," he admitted. "It was like, maybe, an out-of-body experience!"
"Yeah!" Mercury enthused. "You guys blew me away! I couldn't help thinking that must be what it looks like to be in love!"
Jake had a little trouble making eye contact for a moment. "Maybe," he admitted shyly. "Ian really excites me. I think I've been in love with him for more than a year. But I really love Josiah, too. And he made me feel loved."
Both boys needed some time to contemplate that explanation. Having sex? Or being loved? Almost every teen boy spends much of his waking existence thinking about sex. But being loved? That just felt so much more important to both Jake and Mercury.
Gradually, Jake became aware that the light was fading to twilight. If he and Mercury didn't want to walk home in the dark, he realized that it might be time to get moving. But he was enjoying the way the discussion with Mercury made him feel about himself. And their physical contact felt so safe and comfortable. . .
Fortunately, Mercury also noticed the fading light. He just wasn't ready to leave either. He had been thinking about the way that Jake and Josiah had cared for him. He had been thinking a lot about Jake and Josiah! And he had been thinking about the brief but comforting kiss that Jake had given him when he had admitted to them that he was gay— and about his parent problem.
Mercury helped Jake to his feet. Then he faced him and wrapped his arms around Jake's shoulders. His eyes asked for Jake's approval, before he leaned into Jake and kissed his lips gently.
Jake brought his hands around Mercury's shoulders. He kissed back. Slowly, he began to explore. His hands began to work their way down Mercury's back.
With a strangled cry, Mercury broke the kiss.
Jake was surprised. . . and immediately ashamed. Mercury had been so kind and generous to him, and he had repaid him by going too far. He tried to back away and attempted to apologize.
When he noticed Jake's distress, Mercury tried to reassure him. He was feeling rather ashamed of himself, too, but he courageously directed Jake's attention to the front of his shorts.
"Showing up at my house in sweat-soaked running shorts is one thing. But with my history," he hung his head, "I think that sweat wasn't going to be the only thing soaking my shorts."
Jake was disappointed. The movie had just been starting to get good. He really didn't want to go home without seeing the end.
So he took a chance. Mercury wasn't the only person that had started to feel overexcited. Jake took a deep breath, not quite able to make eye contact with Mercury. He reached into the waistband of his shorts with both hands and let them drop to the ground.
Mercury's eyes widened perceptibly. When he noticed Jake's state, they got even wider. Then he got it. After a careful glance around, he pulled Jake close again. He reached for the waistband of his own shorts.
It seemed a reasonable precaution.
It turned out to be a wise decision.
Jake was feeling a lot more hopeful, and he was feeling much better about himself. . . even if he did have to make his way home in the dark.
By the time he left home for school on Monday morning, Jake felt like he almost was back to himself. He had some feelings that he didn't fully understand. His reactions to some sexual situations didn't always make sense to him. But he wasn't alone.
Jake had discovered that he wasn't all that different from someone like Mercury, who he considered one of the coolest people that he knew. He had taken a risk and shared most of his dark secrets with Mercury and found that it only brought them closer together. Just closing his eyes and remembering the time they had spent together Saturday night gave him such a powerful sense of peace and acceptance.
The cross country team had run on Saturday. Ish had chosen to sit with Jake on the bus during their ride to the meet. Their conversation was relaxed.
The Black Bears had run well again. They didn't win. The race was a large invitational meet in New Hampshire, and some of the teams from around New England were simply too strong for Ball Mountain.
But fourth was a respectable result for the team. Josiah had finished third, far ahead of any other Vermont runners. Jake and Ish had battled back and forth all race, finishing among the top eighty runners. They were tired but satisfied during their ride home.
Ish seemed entirely pleased to find Jake waiting for him to walk to the bus together. The distance that Jake thought he had sensed between them the previous week was barely perceptible. Jake started to wonder if it really had all been in his imagination.
Jake hadn't expected to be greeted like a conquering hero when he arrived at school. But he wasn't ready for the way he and Ish were greeted.
A couple of seniors— Jake thought that they might be friends of Daniel Hartnett and Russ Hamilton— bumped into them as they entered the building. In retrospect, Jake decided that it had probably been a planned ambush. He and Ish were hit from opposite directions and bounced into each other.
"Outta my way, homo," Ish's assailant snarled.
" Did that feel as gay to you as it did to me?" Jake's attacker asked his friend as they swaggered off in the opposite direction.
The sounds of oafish amusement trailed behind them.
Jake thought Ish looked quite startled. He tried to direct his friend to the cafeteria for their customary morning meet-up with Ian and Josiah, but Ish just turned and started walking toward the freshman wing.
Lunch went a little better. There weren't fanfares and a public triumph awaiting the cross country team. But Mercury was waiting for Jake. He made space next to him at the table and rewarded Jake with a shy smile as he sat down.
The conversation among the crew was fairly restrained, but at least everyone appeared to be in good spirits. Jake knew that the soccer team was preparing for a big game the following night, so he wasn't surprised to find them distracted. Ish was also rather quiet. Jake chalked that up to their morning encounter and resolved to find out who had harassed them. . . before doing something about it.
He caught up with Josiah and Ian as they left the lunch room. He told them briefly about the encounter, but his description of the bullies didn't ring any bells for his friends. Apparently the thugs weren't the sort to be welcomed into upper level classes.
Josiah did promise to check around to see if he could figure out who was involved. Then Ian took over the show.
" We noticed that you didn't join as at Maureen's Friday night, Jake," he said. "And that you weren't the only person that disappeared after we ran. Mercury was looking very excited to see you at lunch today." Ian ticked off the points supporting his case on his fingers.
"Is there anything you want to tell us?" Ian demanded, turning suddenly on Jake.
Jake felt like he had been caught in the glare of a searchlight, but he struggled to remain calm. He just shrugged uncertainly and tried to look at Ian like he thought he had lost his mind.
"Oh my god!" Ian announced. Loudly. "He's blushing! You didn't get him pregnant, did you?"
Ian paused before continuing.
"Or did he get you pregnant? How does that stuff work, anyway?" he asked Josiah.
Josiah looked like he really wanted to be somewhere else. But he did his job.
"Hallway, Ian," he reminded. "Too loud. Try pretending you're confessing that you just raped a nun."
"Like that would ever happen!" Ian snorted.
" Nothing happened!" Jake cut him off. "Mercury stayed to talk to me. I've been feeling pretty rotten, about some stuff you did!" he added accusingly, to Ian. "Mercury just helped me understand that I shouldn't feel so bad.
"Like Josiah would do," he concluded maliciously.
Surprisingly, their walk continued in silence until Josiah and Ian turned toward their Calculus class.
Josiah decided to cancel their Tuesday night run. The soccer team had just suffered their first loss of the season that afternoon. A tough game had been expected, but the team was still intensely disappointed. The entire team decided that they would rather go home and deal with their disappointment privately.
Jake had been just as disappointed as the soccer team. He had been looking forward to spending more time with Mercury. He didn't feel the need for any additional support, but the thought of spending more time with someone who was going through the same struggles that he was did feel appealing.
Ish seemed surprised and disappointed when Jake decided that he also wouldn't be running that night. Jake didn't understand why, but he really didn't feel in the mood for a run, possibly followed by some awkward sparring as he tried to work out why Ish had seemed distant the previous week, or whether it was just his imagination. He actually wasn't at all certain that he even wanted to know the reason if it proved that it wasn't his imagination. It was all very confusing.
Jake's head was in a bit of a strange place. He found it in an even stranger place when he finished dinner and realized that he didn't have anything else to do that evening.
He considered running on his own. But he still wasn't in the mood. And he worried about what might happen if he got out on the trail and discovered Ish had also decided to run on his own. That could make for a very uncomfortable encounter!
Jake's father looked hopeful when he realized that Jake wasn't going running with his friends. He didn't say anything, but Jake could just imagine him thinking, 'at least my son's fanny will be safe tonight!'
Jake's internal conflicts already had him feeling rather irritable. That thought made him spiteful.
"I'm going out!" he announced.
His mother just smiled and reminded him to 'stay safe'. His father turned dejectedly back to his nightly dialogue with the Fox News anchorman.
With nowhere else to go, Jake made his way to Maureen's Bakery. One of the challenges of living in a tiny village, he observed, was that there really were no decent teen hangouts.
He hadn't expected to see anyone he recognized at the bakery. His friends were home decompressing from a disappointing soccer result. Ish rarely seemed to care, one way or the other, whether they stopped at the bakery. After all, if he was hungry, his mother made those wonderful falafels that he could enjoy at home.
Jake didn't expect to see any of his other friends from the cross country team at the bakery, either. Most of the rest of the team lived in neighboring towns. And he never saw the few that lived in East Grange hanging around in the village.
After he collected apple cider and a muffin at the counter and turned to find a table, Jake was surprised to discover that someone he recognized was there— and he wasn't alone. Jake considered finding a quiet corner to eat, but he was pretty sure that he had been noticed when he placed his order.
Jake found a small table near the front of the room, sat down with his back to the rest of the bakery, and hunched his shoulders— the perfect 'Do Not Disturb' sign for the literate.
A few minutes later he felt a tap on his shoulder.
"Hey, Jake. I thought you noticed us when you came in."
Jake glanced up. He wasn't surprised to see his cousin Nick, a curious expression on his face.
Jake wasn't particularly in the mood for pleasantries. "I'm not having a great night. I just wanted to be alone."
"Oh," Nick was taken aback. He tried a grin. "Well, you still say 'hello'," Nick was a Seinfeld fan.
When that sally didn't draw a response, Nick tried again. "You're usually not alone. Where's the rest of your crew?"
"They lost their soccer game today. Nobody felt like running," Jake sighed. If he wanted to play 'Twenty Questions', he could have stayed home.
" What about your new friend? That kid with the long hair?" Jake tried another engaging grin. "Did you two have a lovers' spat?"
Jake couldn't help himself. His anger flared.
"Why are you messing in my business?" he demanded. "Why do you care who I hang out with? And why are you spying on me for my father?"
Nick was taken aback. "Hold on!" he insisted. "I'm not messing in your business. And I don't care who you hang out with. I just see you spending a lot of time with that new kid and assumed you were good friends. I thought maybe you two had a fight."
" Well we didn't," Jake snapped. "So you can tell my father that Ish and I still get along great!"
"Ish?" Nick wondered. "That's the new kid's name? And why do you think I'm spying on you for your father?"
"He's always complaining that I spend too much time with Ish. He says that people are noticing and they could ask questions. And he says that you tell him when you see me with Ish!" Jake accused.
"Well, yeah," Nick admitted. "I assumed you two are friends. I didn't realize your father had a problem with him. He seems a decent enough kid."
" He is! But dad doesn't like him." Jake was starting to lose control of his emotions. "He calls him a foreign fanny pirate!"
Nick looked confused. Then surprised. "Is he?" he asked. "Not that there's anything wrong with that." His final expression suggested mild amusement.
"It's none of anyone's business!" Jake could feel the anger ready to explode inside him. "Who cares who he loves. Why are all you old folks around here such homophobes?!"
" Whoa, Jacob!" Nick interrupted. "I need to set you straight on two counts. First, I'm not an 'old folk'. I'm only twenty-five. And second," his expression took on greater intensity, "I'm no homophobe! Some of my best friends are gay."
Nick looked around cautiously, but the bakery was almost empty and no one was paying much attention.
"Do you have some time?" It really didn't feel like a question.
Jake wanted to say 'no'. But he had the feeling that Nick wasn't going to give up easily. And he was also somewhat curious. His assumptions weren't quite adding up and it was possible he could learn something useful.
"Just wait here a second," Nick ordered. "I'm going to send Maeve home with the car. You and I can walk."
"Do you want a cup of coffee to go?" Nick asked when he returned. "It's getting a bit nippy outside."
Jake considered. He wasn't really in the mood for polite conversation. But maybe a hot chocolate would be a good idea.
"I'll buy my own," he snapped, when Nick started toward the counter to place an order.
Outside, Nick led Jake away from the center of the village.
' I hope this isn't going to end badly,' Jake thought. But Nick was family. Even if he was reporting on Jake's activities, he wasn't going to beat him up. Jake was pretty sure of that.
"I'm not sure where to start, Jake." Nick said. "You said a lot of things about me that are just wrong. But you probably need some reassurance before you believe me."
"You said that you have gay friends," Jake challenged. "Tell me about them."
" Well, yeah. I do have gay friends." Nick asserted. "I'm not going to talk about their personal business," he eyed Jake with a pointed reminder, "But I'll share what I can.
"I'm surprised that you don't know my brother Adam is gay. He's only a year older than me. We're close. We look out for each other. But I also have four more close friends that are LGBT. I work with one of them. But I went to school with all of them. We stay in touch."
"What about your parents?" Jake asked. "Don't they mind about your brother?"
" Not really," Nick told him. "They grew up in a different time. Gay and out wasn't common back then. AIDS was a big thing then, too. But they love Adam. They just want him to be happy."
"I wish my father felt the same way," Jake sighed. "He hates Ish. And he doesn't even know if he's gay."
"You dad sees things a little different from me," Nick admitted. "He didn't grow up around here. He doesn't know how things used to be."
Jake encouraged him with his attention.
" Being gay was no big deal at Ball Mountain ten years ago," Nick continued. "A lot of kids were out. Nobody really got any grief over it.
"But then some of the LGBT kids crossed a line. They started bullying another kid. They thought he was gay, but he wasn't. And it got out of hand. Someone almost died. Up at Chastity Falls," Nick explained.
Jake was surprised by the haunted expression on his cousin's face.
"He's okay now though, isn't he?" he needed to know.
" Yeah, Jake. He's okay." Nick smiled. "He's actually doing really well. I'm pretty sure that everything has turned out all right for him.
"But that incident," he turned serious, "did change things at the high school and around town. I guess for years, gay people had been persecuted by our society. We finally overcame that and most people were treated fairly. But when the gay kids here started bullying a straight kid, that got some locals thinking that maybe accepting LGBT people wasn't such a great idea. It's still pretty good around here. But the homophobes aren't all in the closet anymore. And there are occasional incidents."
" Then why did you tell my father about me and Ish if he's a homophobe?" Nick asked.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't know what your father thought about your friend. I was just sharing family news." He paused to reflect. "I'm surprised that he's making such a big deal about this kid being gay. I've never heard him carry on like some of the real bigots at PPO.
" If it helps, I won't volunteer any more information about you. We do bump into each other sometimes as the shifts change over in the morning. But I won't say anything about you. And if he asks, I won't share anything specific."
Jake was feeling a little better after their conversation. He really hated the idea that his cousin had been spying on him. He was relieved to discover that it had been a misunderstanding.
"So what about you, Jakey?" Nick teased. "You do seem to have a lot on your mind. I'm guessing it's more than just your father dissing your best friend."
Jake really didn't know what to say, or even where to begin. He looked away.
" You have feelings for this boy, Jake?" Nick inquired.
Jake was shocked. He was tempted to run.
" Jake," Nick assured him, "it's alright if you do. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay, too.
"But if it helps, I'll tell you something I've never told anyone before. Not even Maeve, although she probably does suspect." He eyes Jake carefully, as if weighing his character to determine whether he could be trusted.
" I hope you won't share this with anyone, Jake. It won't do any good. It's possible it might even hurt some people." He held onto Jake's eyes with his gaze and waited until Jake had promised.
"I loved a boy once, too, Jake." Nick waited for a reaction. "I did. I was about your age. Maybe a year younger."
That got Jake's attention. "What happened?"
Nick noticed that Jake was much more intensely focused on their conversation now.
"Nothing," he sighed. "I was young. I was completely inexperienced. And I was stupid.
" I really admired this kid, you know? And he was definitely good looking. I never had paid much attention to that sort of thing before," he explained. "I think I had only started having sexual thoughts that summer. So when I started crushing on this kid, it hit me hard. And I really didn't understand what I was feeling."
Jake was continuing to watch and listen intently.
"So what did you do about it?" he asked.
" Nothing." Nick shook his head sadly. "I didn't know what to do. I just made sure I was near him a lot and waited for him to say something. He was a year older," Nick explained.
"I guess I should have asked Adam. But before anything could happen, this kid got interested in someone. A guy, too," he chuckled. "So if I had just said something, maybe. . ."
Jake was feeling confused. "But you're married."
Nick agreed. "I love Maeve. I don't regret marrying her at all. But sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I just told," he cut himself off, "If I had just told this kid what I felt."
" So you think I. . ." Nick started over again, "You think you should have told this kid?"
"I don't know, Jake. Maybe things turned out the way they were meant to be. But I did miss out on an opportunity. He's a great guy!"
"Did you ever see him again?" Jake asked.
"All the time!" Nick laughed. "He's still one of my best friends. Like I said, he's a great guy."
"So what about you?" Nick continued. "Are you going to tell this kid? This Ish?"
Jake cut his cousin a startled glance. "What makes you think there's something to tell?"
Nick grinned apologetically. "I didn't know. I have been in your shoes. I see the signs. But if you want to tell me that you aren't gay, then you aren't. It's really your business."
They continued to walk in silence for a while.
"I guess it's true," Jake finally admitted. "Actually, I think I love a few boys. But Ish is one of them."
"What are you going to do about it?" Nick wondered.
"Do you think I should tell him?" Jake asked. "You said that you might have missed a big opportunity when you didn't tell your friend."
Nick grinned. "You have to decide that for yourself. It's your life. You're the person that has to live with the consequences.
"You might miss out on an opportunity if you don't ask. But it's possible you could harm your friendship if you do. I missed an opportunity when I didn't ask. But then, things do sometimes work out the way they do for a reason."
"You're late, Jacob!" he father barked as soon as Jake came through the front door.
"I'm sorry, Dad," Jake aimed for inoffensive and apologetic.
"Where have you been? You have your mother very worried!"
It wasn't a new routine.
"I stopped at the bakery for a muffin. I ran into Nick. We got talking. That's all." Jake had learned that a lie works best when you keep it short and sweet. But so did the truth.
" I'll see Nick in the morning, Jacob," his father warned. "He'll tell me if he didn't see you. I'd better not find out that you were spending time with that Ick and lying to me about it."
Jake was frustrated. He had thought that his father was starting to cut him some slack, but the old irritability was back. He really hoped that his father wasn't about to insist on a fanny inspection.
" I haven't seen Ish since cross country practice," Jake insisted. "Nick and his wife were at the bakery. Nick and I talked. Maeve went home. Nick and I went for a walk. Then I came straight home." He tried out his best boy scout expression.
"I hope so," Ed Warren informed Jake sternly. "Nick will tell me." He returned to his television muttering. "Can't keep your own kids safe. What is the world coming to?"
Jake spent some time over the remainder of the week trying to learn more about the bullying incident that his cousin had described to him. Josiah didn't seem to know anything about it. Neither did Darius or Mercury. He hadn't even considered bringing it up with Ian, concerned about where the subject might take Ian's mercurial mind. But Ian overheard a conversation between Jake and Josiah and jumped right in.
Ian's mother had been intimately familiar with the incident. She had provided counseling for some of the kids involved. Not that she would ever discuss confidential details in front of anyone, even her son, but Ian had overheard enough snippets of conversation over the years to put the broad picture together.
Ian didn't really know the details. But it was more than the rest of the crew had heard. Apparently, some LGBT kids at the high school had started bullying a kid that they thought was also gay. The school, perhaps concerned that it didn't want to appear to be discriminating against gay students, didn't really interfere. The bullying acts had escalated. Eventually, it had ended in a scene that may have been sexual assault. The bullied kid had tried to kill himself by jumping off Chase Falls— or Chastity Falls, as it was known to most of the kids at the high school. It would have ended tragically if another student hadn't persuaded the victim to come down off the falls.
That story sobered their lunch table. Stories about suicide sometimes appeared in the news; even suicides by kids their age. But this suicide attempt had involved a boy their own age and it had happened only about two miles away from where they were sitting. Even Ian was inclined toward quiet reflection once he had finished telling the story. It touched a little too close to home for each of them.
By the time the weekend arrived, Jake was beginning to wish that he had been able to spend more time talking with his cousin. Nick had offered some sound enough advice about Ish, even if he had left any decision firmly in Jake's hands. But Jake also had questions about the situation with Mercury, and Mercury's home life, gay sex, and gay love in general.
Jake didn't know who to turn to with his questions. Josiah was always willing to help. But Josiah was only a year older. And he was probably newer to feelings for another guy than Jake was, even if Josiah did have more experience with the actual deed by then.
The soccer team was in a much better frame of mind after a victory Friday afternoon, so the entire team elected to go on an easy run. Jake was looking forward to spending some time with Mercury once they were done.
But Mercury put him off. He followed Jake willingly enough into their copse of trees. But when Jake hinted that he might like to pick up where they had left off the previous Friday, Mercury demurred.
"I can't, Jake," he insisted. "I really want to." And Jake could almost hear physical pain in his voice. "But I'm getting into it too much. It just can't work because of the way my father feels. If we keep going, I won't be able to stop. And eventually, I won't be able to hide it from him."
Mercury confessed that he had been thinking about what they had done together, for all of the past week. The internal tension was so overwhelming that he had been reckless a couple of times. He just didn't think he could control himself if he kept giving in to his feelings.
Jake offered a compromise. Just affection, some kissing, a bit of physical contact, but nothing sexual!
Mercury appeared to be torn in opposing directions by the offer.
"I can't even handle that much, Jake. All we did last week was kiss and make out a little. But it still happened! I really can't control myself. I spent the entire week thinking about what we did."
" It did?" Jake hadn't been aware. He had been too involved with managing his own rather intense feelings. "And we didn't bury it. I wonder how long it will be before we find a bunch of speedy, blond raccoons running around here."
Mercury tried to laugh. But Jake could see that it was a little too uncomfortable for his friend to think about.
So all in all, the news was a real boost for Jake's ego. But it did nothing to satisfy his libido.
He pulled Mercury into a supportive hug before they left to join the rest of their crew at the bakery.
" I love you, Mercury." That seemed to leave the door open if Mercury decided he wanted more in the future. But it was a promise, too. He loved Mercury enough to respect his wishes and to do whatever he could to support him, even to his own cost.
The Ball Mountain cross country team ran at home on Saturday. It was just a dual meet, something to help keep the team focused with the state championship only weeks away. Jake had been working hard for almost three weeks and was starting to feel like he was rounding back into form.
The competition wasn't very stiff. Coach Miller had warned his boys that Northwood usually fielded a decent team, but apparently this wasn't a good year for them. It was still an exciting day for Jake. He ran a personal best time on his home course.
His coach was pleased with Jake's result, but also shared some advice.
"Don't push yourself too hard," Coach Miller warned. "You're less than a month removed from a concussion. There could still be some lingering effects."
Ish overheard the coach's caution. Jake found himself worrying about the concerned expression that had briefly crossed his friend's face.
Toweling off after they showered, Jake noticed Ish watching him again. He didn't think there was anything unusual about his own appearance or his behavior, but Ish's attention made him anxious.
"I don't think Josiah is planning to run tomorrow night," Ish informed Jake. "He says we should begin to ease off our training a little through the middle of October. We don't want to burn out before the state championship."
Jake just nodded. Something about Ish's remarks felt like subtle criticism.
" I wondered," Jake thought Ish sounded a little hesitant, "if maybe we could do something quiet tomorrow. Walk around town, or maybe you could come over to my house."
Jake wasn't feeling very enthusiastic. He couldn't put his finger on the reason why, but he sensed that Ish might have an agenda behind his suggestion. The uncertainty made him cautious.
"Maybe another time," Jake decided. "I was planning to check out Chase Falls tomorrow. My cousin suggested that I might look around."
Ish seemed disappointed.
"Does your family go to Chase Falls often?" he asked.
" Oh, it's just a local site," Jake explained. "A mile or two northeast of school. It's all connected by the running trails. I'm just going to hike up there on my own. My family wouldn't be interested."
Ish examined Jake more closely. "Could I come with you?"
Jake wasn't sure how to respond. Something about Ish's interest felt intrusive. But just a week or two earlier he already would have asked Ish to come with him. He shrugged noncommittally.
" I don't have any special plans. I'm just going up to look around." Jake realized that he wouldn't be disappointed if this discouraged Ish.
"I have never been there. If you don't mind showing me around. . ." Ish got sudden inspiration. "My mother could make us some chicken schawarma. It's best hot. But I like it cold, too."
And that got Jake's attention. He could still remember Mrs. Abraham's falafel. If this chicken schawarma was even half as good. . . Jake decided that maybe he really wouldn't mind having company on his adventure. And maybe he could figure out what had been bothering Ish lately. He just hoped that Ish didn't take the opportunity to probe too deeply into his business.
Jake was conflicted about that possibility. Recently, he had decided that maybe he didn't even want to know what was bothering Ish. He wasn't sure he could deal with the answers. And sharing too much about himself was starting to feel risky. But that schawarma sure did sound good!
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