INTP
by Nico Grey
Part 10
Jodi didn't react to Josiah's initial greeting in homeroom the following morning. But she did respond before he could turn away.
Jodi took a few more seconds to school her expression. "I'm just trying to help you, Josiah," she said. "Ian isn't a good person for you to be hanging around with."
Her disapproval hurt. But Josiah didn't stop to think about his answer.
"I like him, Jodi. He's been loyal to me. Ian is my friend." He sensed something final in his words. It felt like a death sentence of sorts had been pronounced.
Josiah was too distracted to pay attention in his classes for the rest of the morning. He knew that there was no other way he could have responded to Jodi's suggestion — it was almost insistence! — that he have nothing more to do with Ian.
He had become strongly attracted to Jodi. She really was very pretty, he knew she was intelligent, and she wasn't someone whose need for frequent engagement with others might demand too much of him. When he started thinking about doing what was socially expected of him by finding a girlfriend, she had seemed like the perfect girl!
Josiah liked Amy Hampton, too. But after spending more than a month almost obsessing over Jodi, he just couldn't get very excited about Amy. And all of the other girls in his class that he found attractive either had such a high social motor that even the idea of spending time with them was emotionally exhausting, or they just seemed too flighty or lacked enough intellectual interest to engage him.
Josiah had placed all of his bets on Jodi. Now, it appeared that he had failed with her.
He spent the time in his classes beating himself up. His introversion and overly-logical brain repelled others. It was even starting to repel him. He found himself wishing desperately that there was some cure for INTP. Parts of his personality type had seemed kind of cool to him. Now he realized that personality fated him to a life of loneliness.
Even Mr. Fisher's enthusiasm did little to perk up Josiah. The teacher was excited to hear that Josiah had led a group of his freshmen soccer players on runs every day over the weekend, and that most of them were still there to run Monday afternoon! He praised Josiah for organizing the activity so well. Josiah deflected the praise, pointing out that it was really Ian who had organized everything.
"You're going to be a real leader on the team, Josiah!" Mr. Fisher refused to let him off the hook. "It's only been a few days and those young guys already look up to you!"
'They won't once the really get to know me', Josiah thought to himself. Then he berated himself for being such a moaner.
He was glad that Physical Education was his next class. The opportunity to help clear his head with some physical activity was looking very appealing.
The freshman lunch crew was already seated and involved in a lively conversation when Josiah entered the cafeteria. He felt a bit better after Phys Ed and was looking forward to lunch with the boys. But he was disappointed to note that Jake wasn't sitting in the center of the group, next to Ian. He was sitting at one the end of the table, on the fringes of their group.
Josiah wondered why the other guys would exile Jake. Then he remembered what had happened. It didn't improve his opinion of himself one bit.
Josiah attempted to make eye contact with Jake when he sat down. As the lunchtime conversation swirled around him, he tried to include Jake with smiles, expressions of concern, and by occasionally getting involved in the conversation and trying to divert it in Jake's direction. His disappointment with himself increased as lunch progressed.
Josiah was only half aware of what was happening, but he was starting to sense a darker energy spreading across the cafeteria. Conversations as other tables were quieter, intense, the mood expectant. When he finally glanced around the room, he was shocked to find Daniel standing near Jodi's lunch table, apparently conversing with her.
When he put the pieces together — Jodi, Daniel chatting her up, the Valentine's Day dance just three days away — he started to feel sick. He was relieved when Daniel stalked away from the table, his plea apparently rejected, and certainly without a kiss. He was being overly dramatic, but Josiah had been fearing the worst.
Before Daniel had even resumed his seat, Josiah was surprised to see Jodi stand up. He was more surprised when she started walking toward his table.
She stopped on the other side of the table, facing him. He noted her look of disdain when she recognized that she was standing behind Ian.
Josiah couldn't quite read Jodi's expression, but he thought that her smile was radiant. It must have been the effect of her smile, but he wondered why she was speaking so loudly.
"Hi, Josiah!"
Josiah wanted to suggest that the find a quiet place, maybe go for a walk together, but all he could do was smile dumbly back at her.
"I've noticed you watching me all the time lately."
That sounded good. Jodi knew how attentive he was to her.
She smiled again, even more radiantly. His heart leapt. His brain melted.
'Yes!' he exulted.
"Josiah?"
He could barely breathe.
"Do you want to go to the Valentine's Day dance with me?" Jodi watched him hopefully.
Josiah barely noticed Ian's shoulders slump and his head drop into his hands.
The words wouldn't come. Josiah couldn't comprehend it. He had been praying for a moment like this for weeks. He had been hoping since the Valentine's Day dance was announced. This was the culmination of his dreams! He couldn't make his voice work.
It was the disappointment on her face that finally freed his tongue. She looked distraught. In a panic, Josiah realized that he couldn't let this moment slip away from him. He jumped to his feet.
"Yes! Yes, Jodi!" In his mind, it felt like he was living in some sort of fairytale. "I really do want to go to the Valentine's Day dance with you." He couldn't help himself. "Only with you," he added quietly.
The broad smile was back on her face. It was beautiful! Brilliant and… poisonous?
"Well that's too bad," she informed him. She was speaking even louder than she had been. "Because I would never go to the Valentine's Day dance with you!"
Jodi cast him a venomous glare, let it linger meaningfully on Ian as she turned away, then stalked back to her table to thunderous applause. Before she was seated again, the entire cafeteria was giving Jodi a standing ovation!
It took Josiah a full minute before he could even organize a coherent thought. 'Yeah. That one hurt', he realized. His mind emptied again.
Across the table from him, Josiah sensed motion. Ian had started to stir, his emotions a combination of intense concern and transcendent anger.
It was the concern that caught Josiah's attention. Ian captured his attention, but he could still see Jodi's face in his mind's eye. The two cousins were so similar in appearance, he thought inanely. They had to share many of the same genes. How, he wondered, could they be such different people?
Cacophony still engulfed the cafeteria. As his senses started to return to him, the noise became oppressive. The communal jubilation at his shame was too much.
Josiah pushed himself up slowly from the table. He placed his half-eaten lunch on his tray and stumbled in the direction of the return line.
A voice rang out behind him.
"There he goes!"
"All alone," another chimed in gleefully.
"He's probably going to the only place where he'll ever get sex." That sounded an awful lot Daniel.
"Yeah! See you later, masturbator!"
Josiah couldn't help himself. He glanced back toward Daniel's table. He didn't even recognize the kid who had hurled the final insult!
The hatred was too much. He shook his head and turned back to finish his mission. He delivered his tray to the return line. Then he headed for the exit.
"Masturbator!" someone without an original thought in his head called after Josiah. Without even having to think about it, he realized that was probably Russ.
As he pulled open the cafeteria door, he felt someone smaller bump against his side. It seemed like a friendly bump. It felt comforting.
Josiah glanced over. He noticed a sandy-blond head just sticking up above his shoulder. It took a moment for the information to compute.
"Jake," he tried to warn him, "You don't want to be here."
Right on cue he heard someone chortle, "Laterz, masturbators."
"Yeah, I do." Jake wrapped an arm around Josiah's waist and tried to guide him through the door.
Josiah resisted. If Jake was helping to support him here, what was Ian doing?
Back at his lunch table, he noticed several of their friends restraining Ian. He tried to turn back. Jake kept pulling him through the doorway. The sight of several school staff converging on the center of the cafeteria helped Jake persuade Josiah that the situation was in hand. It was time to go.
Josiah had the good sense to avoid restrooms. That was the last place he or Jake needed to be found together after the ridicule that had followed them from the cafeteria.
He let Jake lead him to the library. Before they entered, Josiah apologized again to Jake for ever doubting him. Jake scuffed his feet uncomfortably. When Josiah impulsively pulled Jake to his chest and wrapped his arms around him, he could see the blush straight through Jake's hair.
"You're a really good guy, Jake," Josiah said. "Ian would be very lucky to have someone like you."
Jake's blush grew even deeper. "But I'm not who he loves."
"It doesn't matter. He should love you," Josiah insisted. When he realized that he was still hugging Jake outside the school library, he quickly released him. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." It was Josiah's turn to blush.
"You didn't make me uncomfortable," Jake assured him. "Well, not very." He tried to adjust himself surreptitiously.
Jake attempted to gauge Josiah's mood as they waited in the library for the start of the next period. "Are we still running tonight?"
Josiah thought about it for a minute. "I am. If anyone wants to join me, that's fine. But after that," he gestured in the general direction of the cafeteria, "I'm not sure anyone will want to run with me straight through the town. Maybe we can run a different route if people are still interested."
"We can decide this afternoon," Jake said. "But I'll vote to run straight through the middle of town. Twice!"
Josiah was disappointed when Ian didn't appear for their Chemistry class. He was starting to get anxious when their study hall began without Ian. But fifteen minutes into the period, Ian appeared and presented a hall pass to the monitor.
He studied Josiah very carefully after he sat down in the seat next to him. Josiah returned the attention.
Ian appeared to be no worse for the wear. He had been red-faced and flailing about wildly, his clothes in disarray, when Josiah left the cafeteria. But it didn't look like he had come to any harm. The staff had apparently brought that situation quickly under control.
Ian wouldn't say much, beyond demanding assurance that Josiah really was recovering from the cafeteria incident. It almost amused Josiah to see Ian playing the same role that he had played after Ian's restroom incident with Daniel and Russ. Whenever Josiah made any attempt to talk about the lunch incident and its aftermath, Ian deflected with conversation about soccer and plans to keep training for that season.
The Psychology classroom almost felt empty to Josiah. Daniel, Russ, Misty, Mia and Britney were nowhere to be seen. Josiah noticed Ian scanning the room with a satisfied air that bordered on vindictive.
Ms. Porter appeared more relaxed as she instructed her class. Without distractions, Josiah observed, she was able to give her full attention to teaching. It made for a much more interesting class. And they were able to cover more ground with everyone quietly focused on learning.
At the end of period, he was pleased to notice that Abby Joyce had stopped to speak with Ms. Porter. Her enthusiasm for whatever they were discussing seemed contagious. Ms. Porter almost glowed.
As he and Ian left the room, they were smiling. They waved to let Ms. Porter know that they were looking forward to their class tomorrow. They assumed that she would understand the message. After all, she was a Psychology teacher.
Josiah ran with Ian, Jake and four of their friends that evening. They ran straight through East Grange, but only once. Ian demanded that they stop at Maureen's bakery, maybe just to get everyone's attention. Josiah reminded him that their last visit there after a run hadn't sat too well with his stomach.
Ian shrugged and suggested that he could just visit with everyone while they had something to eat. In the end they decided to keep running. But Ian and Jake were discussing plans to stop at the bakery on their runs at least once a week.
When Josiah arrived at school on Wednesday morning, Mr. Harding pulled him into his office.
He apologized to Josiah for the harassment in the cafeteria the previous day. The vice principal seemed to be aware that Josiah had recovered reasonably well from the incident. He had just called him in to the office to make sure he was still doing well and to assure him that the miscreants — his word — were being dealt with. He also introduced a new phrase to Josiah: "condign punishment".
Mr. Harding explained to Josiah that he had been subjected to what the school conduct code considered verbal harassment and emotional abuse. The specific offenses varied for each individual involved, as did the punishments. For reasons of confidentiality, he couldn't provide any details about punishment that the students involved had received. But he did assure Josiah that he wouldn't have to worry about any further contact at school that year with Hartnett and Hamilton.
Josiah had already processed the previous day's events. It had been a difficult day for him, but some good had come from it. In his heart, what he wanted most was simply to put it all behind him. He suspected that might not be possible if he still shared a class, and possibly a school, with Daniel Hartnett and Russ Hamilton, so he didn't protest their discipline too strongly. But he did request that the vice principal make no more fuss over the incident than was absolutely necessary.
"It's over," he explained. "It happened and I'll live. Punishment doesn't matter to me. Nobody needs to be punished for my sake."
"That's a good attitude, Josiah," Mr. Harding told him. "But in several cases, I'll be punishing students for my sake!"
Josiah noticed that the man had a very unsettling grin.
"Students have been abused here at my school. I may have waited too long to deal with it and let things go a little too far. Some of the abuse certainly got out of hand. That needs to be brought under control immediately in order to keep everyone here safe."
Josiah thought the justification a bit pious and smug, but he could see Mr. Harding's point. He thanked him for his concern, and for trying to keep the school safe. Then he waited while the vice principal filled out a hall pass for his first period class.
After his conversation with Mr. Harding, Josiah was rather surprised to find Jodi in their Social Studies class. She also seemed surprised to see him. She looked away and buried her face in a textbook the moment he appeared in the doorway of the classroom. For the rest of the period, Josiah was barely even aware that she was there.
Lunch was an uncharacteristically solemn affair. Ian and his friends were in good spirits, but the cafeteria was being monitored very closely by staff. Any sudden increase in the noise or activity level was brought under control immediately by the roving adults.
Again, Josiah was conflicted. He resented being treated like he was still in elementary school. But he could also see why Mr. Harding and the school staff thought they needed to exert firmer control over student behaviors.
The mostly quiet cafeteria was a peaceful place. But Josiah missed the sudden eruptions of enthusiasm and excitement that had accompanied lunch with Ian and his friends.
He noticed Jodi eating very quietly with her usual group of friends. It was difficult for him to read her body language, but to him she seemed both resentful and terrified of attracting any attention.
Josiah could be objective. She was still very pretty. But any spark that had attracted him to her person was gone.
He was a rational thinker. He understood that sometimes people's personalities just failed to click. He mourned the fact that she apparently simply didn't like him. But in a way, he was grateful. After witnessing her cruelty to her cousin, and her spiteful and cruel behavior toward him when should couldn't control his behavior, he was glad they didn't fit together comfortably.
Josiah wondered, not for the first time that day, if it would ever be possible for someone to fit together comfortably with his INTP personality. Ian distracted him from his reflections to consult about plans for their group run after school.
Despite the promise that the school would continue to crack down on bullying, and that students would be able to feel safer in their community, Josiah spent the afternoon in a funk. When he saw Jodi again during the afternoon homeroom period, it only made him feel worse.
Josiah wasn't feeling anything for her. He was pretty sure that he was permanently free from whatever attraction he had felt for her. He was all too aware that interactions with girls always ended in failure for him. Even Abby's friendly gesture earlier in the week had felt like it was born more of pity than of any real interest in him as a person.
He couldn't think of any other explanation. He was simply unlikeable. He didn't really enjoy spending a lot of time with other people. He spent far too much time inside his own head thinking. In social interactions, he was concerned with measuring what was right instead of considering the people involved and their feelings. His INTP personality simply fated him to a life without real human attachments.
He considered his plight and how to avoid a very lonely future. 'Maybe post a personal ad?' It seemed like a way to make a connection. But how would it read? 'Lonely white male, virgin, seeks soul mate. Must enjoy long runs alone, watching movies in empty theaters, dining alone, and solitary moonlight walks.' He shook his head ruefully. What sort of psycho would even respond to an ad like that?
Josiah found himself doodling distractedly while his mind wrestled with the prospect of an empty and unhappy future. He wasn't surprised to glance down and find a broken heart sketched on a piece of note paper. Carefully, he inscribed the letters "INTP" inside the broken heart. It seemed appropriate.
When the bell rang to dismiss school for the day, Josiah stashed the scrap of note paper inside his desk. His bus was waiting. It promised a ride to a bleak home and a bleaker future.
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