As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 26

The Act Of Existing

24th June 1991

Okay, I have a couple of things to get off my chest today, and I'm not in the mood to be criticised if it's right or wrong. Firstly, I taught it through… I'll go to the film with Thomas just as friends. Well… I don't even know if he's hinting anything but friends it is. I can at least give him that right.

I dropped by Carl's today. He seemed to be in a grumpy mood, and I tried talking to him about what was on his mind, though he got grouchy at me. So, I'm like, "you seem off today... everything all right?" When he answered; it was more of a brushoff than anything else, and I couldn't understand why. When I decided to pursue the subject even further: by asking him in a playful teasing voice, "are you sure. Is little Carl sure," he just blew the roof off and tore me a new one. I just decided to go home and cry more or less. I didn't feel like making an effort to entertain Ross because of what happened today hurt.

Anyway, to make things worse I taught that jerking off or something would've made everything better, but it didn't. Instead, I did the one obligation that I was not supposed to do under any circumstances. I taught I made up my mind never to do it again. I'm disappointed in myself. Sure, the outcome with Carl today was sad, but what followed later this evening put everything down for me. I used Ross's underwear. And I know what you're probably thinking... How do you use underwear? Well… Sigh. This is embarrassing, but after I got horny, there was no going back. I took his underwear out, put them on a cushion and ground against it. I felt so unbelievably good. You have no idea how good it felt. Before I knew it, I was humping the pillow, wishing or instead hoping it was Ross. When I finished, I had to go into the bathroom and wash the cum stain from the fabric before hiding it again in my wardrobe. I taught I was passed all of this, but ironically, I'm not, so I'm not sure what to do now. I guess I'll just go to bed. I assume sleep is probably the best thing for me right now. Yeah… Rest, I'm sorry. It's a funny thing that I'm apologising to a book; I don't have the heart in it to open up about it what's wrong. So tonight – Adam.

25th June 1991

I found out today what was up' Carl's goat yesterday. He came to apologise early this morning. He said he approached a girl he liked, which he wouldn't give me a name for. Nevertheless, Carl said he approached her. I wonder who the girl is; who cost him heartache. Apparently, she's in our school. So, It could be any one of about 50 girls. Carl decided to approach her and say that he liked her, and after he had been candid with her, she made a mockery of him. Carl said he was genuinely sorry about yesterday. It was just that he had done it that morning. When I arrived, Carl wasn't in the mood for people. I guess I can understand, if Ross did it to me, I would never want to see daylight again. I'd shut myself in, and I'd never come out again. The way he said it sounded as if he was confident in his approach. He had prepared everything; sadly it didn't work out in his favour. As much as I love Carl. Considering I'm not too sure whether I like boys or girls, I felt sorry for him. He is, after all, my best friend; and anything Carl goes through I get the backlash of it... Right. So yeah that was that. We made up, hung out for a little bit chitchatting about small-time things, and then he left.

I made up my mind about going to the cinema with Thomas. So, I cycled all the way over to him this morning to let them know that I would be coming along. I hope I didn't pass any weird messages to him, or mixed signals because that is not something I want to pass on to him if he wasn't genuinely gay. Then again at least I'll know another gay in the village: if he is well in all inevitably that way. Though of course, this is just observation, and I tend to run statistically on that. When I got to his house, I went up to the front door and knocked. The moment Thomas opened the door his face lit up, I don't think he was expecting me to be standing on his doorstep.

I got the impression that under the circumstances; once I left, he did not matter to me anymore. You know that sort of feeling when you neglect someone's company you don't care about, and they pick up on it. Yeah well, that's the way I felt... Well, not the way I felt... But I hope I'm not giving him that impression when I'm leaving. Thomas is not the worst in the world, he's just weird, but I guess odd is better than being a dick. I didn't plan on staying for as long as I did. I just wanted to pass the message and then leave. Only something about how he handled himself today made it ever increasingly impossible to say no to him. It was abundantly clear that he wanted me to hang around for a little bit.

After the beaming face lit up, I set out to say my piece before he'd go all googly or something on me. I said, "hey man... I can go with you to the cinema to see the film."

Something about the whole moment which was whimsical appeared almost too good to believe. Thomas blinked his eyes and shook his head. Another smile emerged on his lips. He blabbed out, "oh... Cool okay... Really... you mean it." He stood there dumbfounded; I didn't specifically know what I was supposed to do other than just shrug my shoulders and say, "yeah totally. Anyway, I've got to go." I thought that would've been enough you know. I'd say that I was needed somewhere else and go, but it didn't end there because he reached out and followed me down the garden a tiny bit.

"Hey eh… You want a drink or something," Thomas asked. I turned around to him and most likely gave him a quizzical expression. I'm not sure why but I guess I was questioning why he was inviting me in for a drink. Then again, I was a little bit thirsty. Still, I didn't want him to know that. I simply wanted to be friendly. It would have been nicer to be able to say my piece then hightail it out of there. I guess when I phrase it like that, it sounds terrible, but it's not I promise it's just that Thomas is different. He gives me this vibe that's unsettling; it's not overly obnoxious or horrible, but just... I don't feel comfortable.

I don't know why I agreed to go to the movies with him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He is, after all, a nice person, and I think he deserves some respect. The idea of the telescope ran through my brain again. I didn't bother asking him. Instead, I wobbled on my bike trying to contemplate what I was supposed to do. There I was at a complete standstill; my bike was facing towards the gate. I could have made if I pretended I never heard him. Even though I was thirsty, I didn't want to go in, so I just said, "Em… I think I'm okay, thanks." I went to cycle again before he'd inevitably run out or something and kidnapped me. Thankfully Thomas didn't capture me. I don't know why that taught just came to mind, but it seemed like an obvious statement to write when I wrote it.

Instead, Thomas pleaded with me. He said, "please just come in for a drink. It's really warm out, and you cycle this way tell me." The way, he said it was so… So enthusiastic. Thomas was trying ever so hard just to impress me or get me alone. I guess when I think about it like that, it's a little creepier... but okay. I decided what would be the worst part in accepting a glass of orange or water from him. I wobbled on my bike; flung my leg over the seat and started back toward him. "Eh… All right, just a drink," I said sceptically.

Thomas's smile radiated outward. I could practically feel the electricity static running through his veins. I've no idea why I cause such a chain reaction, but why in God's name is he so happy that I agreed to... I don't know you know... go to a film with him. You understand right?

So he was like "follow me" and all that shit. When I got his kitchen, I realised that his parents weren't home. It was just him, and the house was eerily quiet. He poured me a glass of orange juice like a requested than I sat one side of the table and Thomas the other. I didn't comprehend where to look. His kitchen is tidy, much more than what mine is. I guess his parents take pride in the appearance of their house. On top of that, so is my mam but then again, I guess our house looks more lived in. Thomas's house resembles a show house. It doesn't have any character other than Thomas's bedroom and his treehouse. I tried making small talk considering that the quiet was starting to feel even more uncomfortable than actually being around Thomas. I decided to ask, "so were your folks?"

Thomas just shrugged and placed his hands under his chin and cupped it. He leaned forward on the table using his elbows to support the weight of his head, and he intently peered at me. "Out," is all he said. Thomas continued staring at me awhile. I uncomfortably drank the orange in the glass he gave me. I was trying to scan around seeking to find some else to focus on or to think of a good conversation starter. Though nothing came to mind, I was more agitated and sceptical of what was going through Thomas's mind. So, I decided to try and break the monotony of the silence because it was getting creepy at that point. "Em… So..." I sighed. "how come we've never talked before... Much. You know, one on one."

You know what Thomas said, he just simply said, "I don't know... you are like cool and always busy." I wasn't sure how to respond to that so just sat quietly for a couple of minutes and finished off my drink and then said I had to go. Glumly, he said, "okay." And I left. On the way home, I wasn't precisely sure what had just transpired, but all that silence was more confusing than talking. Why was he looking at me that way, he's never really stared at me that way. He's not like you know...interested in me is he. That seems weird somehow or another. How could anybody like me? Oh, wait, Ross, admires me, well, I think. Anyway, onto the next thing: speaking of Ross, I went to see him next.

After I cycled home, I collected h, and the two of us decided to go biking for the afternoon. I stopped at the hill on the way home. We thought catching the sunset would be nice; so, after we walked across the field and sat down. Thankfully there were no bulls in the area. Ross and I got talking about his parents. He was discussing how his parents had been fighting a lot before he even came here. Ross said that he always wanted them just to make up and go back to being normal, but that never happened. Instead, as he Ross described it, "they don't even know I exist anymore." When I asked him to explain what he meant, he said, "they're too busy fighting. The both of them are trying to ruin each other. While doing that... they forgot all about me because they're too busy trying to get the better of each other. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be the both of their weaknesses or something, but I'm sick of being powerless" At this point, Ross was a little teary-eyed, and my heart began to sink. I think I was starting to well up a small bit. Even though I wasn't experiencing what Ross was feeling or is going through, I care about him.

I taught for a moment. I racked my brain for every response on the limited knowledge I have of the subject that I could reply to with that statement. I don't think I did it right, but I believe I made Ross feel like he was understood. I'm never any good for words, so I just said, "Ross you exist for me. I can see you; I feel like I'm a better person when I'm with you. So why would I ever want you out? They don't know what they're missing. I know this might be a little selfish of me to say... but in a way I'm happy. Not because everything is shit for you, but because if this hadn't of happened, I would've never met you. I hope whatever they're going through works out in the long run. I don't like to see you sad; that's the last thing I like seeing. I know can't stay here forever; you belong back at home. But I want you to know... that no matter where you are in the world, to me, you will always exist."

The two of us sat there quietly unable to answer, unable to speak. Eventually, a little sniffling and the nudge of a hand by my side took me out of my trance. I locked hands with Ross, to comfort him. We sat there until the sun disappeared and cheered each other up. I think it's the proudest thing ever done. I hope I remember this day for as long as you live. So here I am now about to go to bed. Did I mention that I started to cry while I was writing the last paragraph, no of course not…? No, I didn't. Anyway, so now you know, going to head off to bed now – night Adam.

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