As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 25

A Fish Out Of The Water

21st June 1991

I can't help but feel guilty for stealing the porn magazine from the shop yesterday. I know I could have asked Carl if I could borrow his. You know what, when I think of it I don't think he'd relent. I hear these grades of collectables are incredibly valuable among people my age. I think Carl would be the type to protect his dirty little secret at all cost. So that is a no go.

On other news so that I can get away from the whole concept of the porn magazine. It was a warm day today. It has been the warmest day I've ever experienced; it must've been 28° at least or could have been more. It was one of those days where it was so increasingly hot. You are naturally irritable because of it. With nothing else other to do, I decided to ask all the boys to go swimming. I rounded up Ross and made my way to every one of the lad's houses. Everyone thought it was a genius idea; Though I secretly hoped that nothing absurdly would transpire like it did the last time, and thankfully it didn't.

I decided to go to the castle because after all, I think that has now become our hangout spot. I'm not exactly sure what has happened with the spot down by the recreational park, but I think this place is home now. As I sat down my gym bag, I drew in a breath of fresh air and appreciated the sun beaming down on the back of my neck. I was planning to stay for as long as possible, and I waited as long as possible. The lads sheepishly undressed down to the shorts, fully aware of what had happened the last time we were here. Nobody spoke a word about what had happened. And I was surprised to see that Ross wasn't hesitating, he was in an equal proportion of undress. One thing I came to notice was how incredibly flat his stomach is; I mean it's not horrible it's cute actually on the contrary. His skin is so smooth and patchy white. By patchy I don't expect his skin to be brown, or white like a dog, I mean his complexion was surprisingly white. It's hard to explain, but it seemed apparent at first glance that Ross wasn't accustomed to sunbathing; when I glanced around at the rest of the boys, it is evident that they were sunbathing every chance they got. Yeah, occasionally I sunbath but I don't think Ross or I would be on the same level as Eli about the case. But comparing me to Ross, he is a ghostly pale. I could see the creeper lines of his blue veins beneath his skin, and they all encircled his outie bellybutton.

If I was just passing by and it was a typical boy, I don't think I would've had any particular reaction to the sight, but something about Ross excited me more today just seeing him like that. It's not that he was thin or abnormally white under his clothes, it seems to be the predicament of actually seeing him without a shirt on. It's like I've been dreaming of him so much that he looks perfect to me regardless of whether he has a shirt on or not. Of course, though the sight of actually seeing him without a shirt on was probably too much for me to bear and well I got horny. I quickly scrambled down towards the water before anyone had a chance to notice that I was boning up. Imagine I got caught, I need to be more careful. Why do these erections happen at the most awkward and public places of all things? Can't they wait until I come home or when I'm in the toilet or you know jerking off to happen? No, they think it's a goddamn good time to pop one when I'm in the middle of church or the supermarket or freaking school.

But yeah Ross was just different, I'm not sure how I should phrase it but just looking at him gave me the rattles. It was like a seismic serious of tremors that ran through my body; only it didn't show on the outside. No, it was on the inside. The sight of him was enticing, intoxicating even, it was like he was a God; his body is gorgeous.

I tried making myself look as goofy as possible when I delved into the water. I ran down and dove into it as fast and as efficiently as possible. When I resurfaced, everyone else was ambling on down and entering the water. It was fun I guess you could say because none of the boys seemed to have a chance against me, I seem to be a professional dunker at that. Everyone who came near me, I wrestled and wrestled until I had them underneath the water. Whenever someone would latch onto me to try and drag me under I always knocked them off. I think I was showing off more than I was doing any work. It was like one of those moments where you feel you're moving more than you're but you're not making any progress. In all the time I was out in the water showing I felt like I made some progress, yet so little at the same time with understanding why Ross was so God-like today.

Eventually, we grew tired; Eli was the first crawl out of the water this morning saying that he was hungry. Carl said that he had to help his father with some work around the farm; leaving just me Thomas and Ross to our own devices. It felt a little awkward being left with Thomas considering well... you know he could be spying on me. We had no Connor today; he was somewhere else I guess. Though yes that just left the three of us to entertain ourselves. We decided to play some form of hiding 'n' seek. I don't remember all that much of it, but I do recall cautiously watching my footing as I navigated between the trees and the lakefront. All I could come to appreciate was that when I was on the lawn in front of the castle, there were no prickly pines to concern myself with. Eventually, the enjoyment of roaming the land wore off because Thomas kept finding Ross and me. However, now that I think of it Thomas found me four of the six times we played the game. I'm not sure what that means but it appears to be a little creepy now when I think about it, it's even more horrifying when I write it down.

After a while, we crawled back into the water: did a couple allegedly swims about and then decided to call it a day. Ross went on ahead of me and started getting dried and dressed, and I stayed in the water Thomas for a couple of extra minutes. When I was about to exit the water, he latched onto my wrist and pulled me back. I didn't like it at all, but Thomas wasn't rough or gentle he was just I don't know… Anyway, he asked nervously for some weird reason if I wanted to come over to his house tomorrow and you know what I told him ugh… Yes. I couldn't even say no I was busy at all, but the way he said it seemed like it meant a lot to him that I turn up. But yeah, I quickly skedaddled after that and got dressed and left for Ross.

I found out today that Ross likes fish and chips; the reason I know this is because I went to the chipper: we got a bag of chips and some fish on the side, and well we gobbled it all up. Yeah, that's about it for today - night Adam.

22nd June 1991

I was in Thomas's bedroom today, oddly it is superbly clean, organised undeviatingly down to the arrangement of the pencils on his working area. Every book spine on his shelves extruded perfectly with the neighbouring ones; it was unholy, ludicrously immaculate. The way he sat on his bed when talking to me on the floor. Because that's where I choose to sit; since I don't usually get to sit on carpeted surfaces at home, figuring we don't have any. It was so plump and cushy under my ass. Though back to Thomas, he seemed extraordinarily nervous. He kept showing his accomplishments and his medals to me, which was cool when I think of it. He has more than me and Carl combined, but it's not that fact he kept sticking to the topic for dear life. It was as if he were seeking recognition or acceptance from me, by showing me all the cool possessions he has. I have never experienced him in this light before, all he is: is nervous. Though when I think about wherever the telescope was aimed at, it keeps striking a chord that makes me feel a tad bit uneasy.

I need to stop thinking about it. I don't have any actual evidence to back up my theory that Thomas is spying on me. Then again, the real idea of it all is creepy and awkward all at the same time: it's grossly right. No... Not right... that's a weird way to phrase, but it's the point that someone might be interested in me, Thomas does not strike me like a crazy lunatic or something. Am starting to overthink about it, I should stop pondering around it before I start going all stupid and my common sense dwindles to nothing.

As I was saying the two of us were in Thomas's bedroom and he was showing me everything. It was okay at first, but then it started to get old because you know; it was repeated. There's only so long you can listen to someone babble on about how great you think they are. Or perhaps it's not his intention, maybe Thomas is just trying to appear popular with me. I don't know why though... I don't think I'm popular but to him, I might be famous. When I take a look at Carl, Carl is pretty well-known around town. Everyone who does know him: knows him for his ability on the GAA team and also for his dedication to his father's farm. In essence, I guess you could say Carl is the pinnacle of a country lad. Me, on the other hand, I think I'm just a fish out of the water. I don't know exactly where I fit in; I'm just here, that's all I know. Not that living here is a complete drag; I love my friends: it's just the location, it is sometimes dreading. As much as I say that the countryside, which is as bland as bland can be, I love it... It's my home. In all the times I've travelled to Killarney, Limerick and Galway there is one thing that always hits me the moment I arrived in one of the cities. It's about how much people are crammed into such a confined space. I find it overwhelming for little while when I first get out of the car after the long drive. There is nothing more pleasing than a vigorous walk in the countryside; something the city knows no such thing of.

A point in time Thomas officially gave up mentioning about his metals when he saw or possibly presumed I was becoming tired of his affections. When Thomas shut up about his accomplishments, the entire conversation instead died. It was so cumbersome, I never realised before, but that was the only thing that was holding the conversation together. I guess I could've tried a little harder to be you know... with it, but I couldn't. Thomas began fiddling with his crossed legs on his bed. He clenched his hands around his ankles and pulled at the tops of his socks as a form of distraction. Then he finally asked, "so hey... I was thinking... my mam is taking me to see The Naked Gun 2 ½; would you maybe want to go with me."

It took me a whole 30 seconds to reply; I wasn't exactly sure what this meant but was he asking me out. No, perhaps I'm thinking of things backwards. Of course not, he's not asking me out. I've known him since I was like four; we've only begun talking in the last year or two. He wouldn't ask me out. Not that he knows about my secret; but what if. I didn't know what to say to him, so I said, "Ehh… I'm not sure I have to check with my mam." At least I can still use my mam as an excuse because you know I'm not sure whether I want to go with him or not. A part of me wants to go with Thomas for some unknown reason, but the other part says I have Ross.

Then again maybe he's just asking me out to see a conventional film, and there's nothing behind it. But he's been acting weird lately, so I'm not too sure what's going on with him. I don't want to do hurt his feelings because he seems like a nice person, on the other hand, I'm not sure what to think about the telescope thing. Do you think I should give him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't done anything wrong? My mam said that the most valuable thing you can give to someone is your time, he seems to want it.

Right well, I better go to the bathroom and forgot about all of this; I'm bursting here while I'm writing this. I'll think about it, about the film I mean, night – Adam.

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