As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry Eleven: The "Gay" Agenda

22nd May 1991

I had a weird dream; I dreamt of some odd colourless mass. It felt human though at the same time it wasn't exactly human. Well, it didn't appear to be, something about my presence in the sleep world made it conscious that I was somehow around, awake and alert. Can that be, as if I was awake inside my dream? I'm not sure, but it felt peculiar to be vigilant at the moment. I felt afraid, and apprehensive about approaching the figure. The world around me appeared to be complete blackness, and some for binding light came from above which only illuminated the both of us. I didn't want to wander out into the darkness in case I was to fall off the side of the cliff. I don't know if there was a cliff, but I didn't want to take the chance and fall to my death. Eventually, the world around me became gradually lighter, almost grey in tone, though the creature that had made his presence known didn't bother to move. Everything around me just kept getting progressively lighter and lighter until I could barely see the lurking figure. Though before the mass of a person was gone entirely I could have sworn I seen a door or something. I can't be exactly sure as to what I saw or thought I saw, because moments after that the light became blinding. I felt like I was falling and then the black world washed away, and I was sitting upright in my bed, covered in sweat. When I checked the time, it was 6:20 am. I managed to get a little shut-eye before I had to get up. I wasn't tired-tired, but I think it would have benefitted from a couple more hours of sleep. I don't exactly know what that dream meant, but I hope I don't have it again or anything like it because, to be honest just between you and me. Great, I'm speaking to a diary again. Oh well… I felt a little scared. I don't know why but it felt like it was speaking to me in the dream. It would be embarrassing going to my mam and asking about bad thoughts, people my age don't have bad dreams anymore. Though I'm not exactly sure if I should class this as a bad dream; Even if it felt like it was real.

When I left the house today, I had no idea where it was going to go or what was to happen, but when I knocked for Ross, he didn't seem all that interested in wanting to come out and spend time with me. I'm not sure what I did, but I didn't see him at all today. He just wanted to be alone. Those where his words, or someone along the lines of it, he said "can I have some alone time, I'm a little tired today." To which I just nodded and accepted his invitation decline. I'm not sure what I did, but I hope it isn't going to be made into a series of events because I want to hang out with him, and when he said that he would rather be alone than be with me; I felt like that were a kick in the teeth, is that funny. I'm not sure, just sometimes when I think I'm getting on the right track with Ross, he just becomes all distant for no apparent reason. I mean the day before was good right… we had fun. He had fun, and I had more than just fun. I think just him coming along was more than anything I could have asked for. It was like my chest was completely opened when he was walking beside me. It felt like I was walking on sunshine or some stupid notion. Like I was invincible, and nobody could come between him and me. Though today was a little a sad comparing it to the other days that I was spending with him. I mean I can't help it, it makes me feel all funny inside. It's like I get these series of bubbly feelings in my stomach. It's like if you've ever snuck into a Jacuzzi at the local swimming pool- even though you're not allowed and sit in the machine. The way the water bubbles all around you, but can you imagine that awesome feeling in your stomach and one-hundred times as powerful. I thought I was going to keel over at one point yesterday. Imagine how that would look If I just suddenly topple over for no reason. Yeah, that would look weird. Though I took the kick in the teeth, and I glumly said "okay." Though not all hope was lost because he said, "I might come out later if that's okay." And I'll tell you this I couldn't be any happier to hear those words; though now it's past bedtime well, not bedtime but going out time. I had to be home by the time the streetlights turn on in the town, and that told me that it was too late to go out anywhere. I was still hoping that even just a smidgen of chance would somehow work in my favour, and he'd come knock around tea-time, but he didn't. I just sat here most of the evening with the odd notion that he would knock for me. I mean he's only next door, it's not that far, sure I could have gone in all by myself. My mam would have let me go next door to knock for Ross earlier but not now. I don't know why I didn't get up and go next door, but a part of me told me not to something or another. It made me feel sad or even a little angry that he just wanted to spend the entire day doing nothing rather than hanging out with me.

Yeah well, whatever I went and hung out with Carl again, he was as surprised to see me, yet again. I think I surprised myself truth be told, here I was two days in a row at Carl's house. The last time I did that was when I was twelve or thereabouts. I helped him around the farm for an hour or so, and then we both cycled into the town, hopped the wall at St. Mary's Church and stole the apples from the trees in the back garden. We've done it quite a few times that I think we're professionals at it now. Not getting caught that is. Imagine that; a priest or a nun coming out from their living quarters, and find two boys stealing their apples.

I would laugh my ass off if I were a priest, why in hell would someone be so interested in nicking apples. Well, we were hungry at the time; and I didn't have any money, and what little money Carl did have was undoubtedly not enough to buy anything, so apples it was. Besides I don't see why they get so worked up about it, the priest did a sermon not too long ago and lightly touched on the number of apples going missing from the church grounds. If he's so pent up about the almighty god himself then surely, he would understand some kids taking apples which practically grows on the earth. The tree is after all on the planet… God's creation, right I'm not overthinking it am I.

Anyway, so we stole, and I use stole, as a form of we took what the good earth has to offer, as the priest said and ate it. Just the two of us, we both sat overlooking the school on the bench across and ate. It was all cool for the most part, though I noticed something about Carl I have never noticed before, he looked good to me for some reason. Looking good as in hot… I'm not sure why it appealed to me, but I think I liked how he looked today. Carl looked cute in his working attire, though before he came out with me, he changed into his regular clothes. The way they sat on his frame made me conscious of every little detail he had on him. How his eyebrows are perfectly matched, and how his hazel eyes were becoming so dreamy and of course his one single freckle nestled in his right dimple. It made me feel special, like I wanted to reach out and see if he was indeed real. The feelings I had today is among the most confusing I have ever have had. I'm not even sure what it means, but all I know is that he held this weird hold over me and I can't shake heads or tails of it.

Come to think of it Carl and Ross are not that different when it comes to appearance. Sure, Ross is a little smaller than Carl; his hair is slightly longer and is an adorable mousy brown. His eyes are the same colour as Carls, minus the cute freckle Carl has. Is it weird that the both of them look somewhat similar in relations, and they too' boys stick out to me a whole lot more than what any other boys do?

I have been secretly eyeing up Carl for the last couple of months; then I guess it is no surprise that when Ross arrived and is almost a double for my best friend, that I inevitability started feeling hot for him. Though how come I didn't feel the same about Carl until now, I feel like a bat somehow. How they fly aimlessly blind, using their sonar antenna to steer clear of any obstacles, hopefully.

I can't help but come to notice that I might not be able to go around these obstacles; they might genuinely be in the way, and the only way I can get around them is by accepting myself. I think I might be gay, for sure. The word GAY alone is almost too much even to consider; is it like a disease. I hope not because I don't want to lose friends over it, of all people why does it happen to me, I just so desperately want to be normal but I can't… I can't just brush the thoughts off I'm having about boys. Girls don't exist to me, only boys and it is more saddening to think that this is not the way I wanted to be, but it is solely my only option. I'm not sure who I should like; Carl or Ross, though heart says Ross; my gut tells me neither, and my brain is telling me to dig a deep burrow and wallow in it.

I should go before I get any worse, I don't want to talk about this before the tears start falling and I become all miserable. Bye… I guess, Adam.

The End of Entry 11

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