Walking Into Clouds
by Rick Beck
Chapter 5
What's In A Feeling
It was an enticing prospect, having a soldier show an interest in me, but I knew a fantasy when I was having one. I could wait there until the cows came home and when those soldiers came out, they'd walk right past me like I wasn't there.
I had been waiting long enough and I moved on with my thoughts of having a firm tightly constructed military man in my arms on that night.
My footsteps were the only sound I heard, after I turned right at the next corner. The bright lights and raucous background sound from the main drag faded as I walked farther down a poorly lighted street. I walked toward the next cross street but my decision to turn down a dark street suddenly seemed foolish. I halfway thought I should turn around. I didn't know where I was or where I was going.
I looked for something I recognized at the next corner but that street was darker still. Turning to walk back where I came from, a car started to bird dog me. I tried to see inside but tinted windows and too little light kept whoever was inside out of sight.
I ignored the car that was traveling at the same speed I was walking. I felt no danger but the presence of the car annoyed me. I turned my head to look through the windows at what I couldn't see.
The window made a whirring sound as it disappeared. I searched for the driver's face. That would tell me what I wanted to know. I couldn't imagine wanting to get into a strange car but before I blew it off, I wanted to see who was behind the wheel, and I leaned to get a look at his face. I'd entered the I'm interested zone.
Sooner or later I'd need to stand still for something. He was maybe thirty. With the absence of light there wasn't a clear view of his face, but I didn't sense trouble. Getting into a car with a stranger exposed me to the possibility of danger, but he was no more dangerous than I was. He wasn't as big as I was. There would be no trouble if I decided to get out, but I had to decide to get in first.
His eyes were on me and mine were on him. I lost track of where I was going and he wasn't watching where he was going. The car kept rolling at the pace I walked and I needed to decide what to do, or in a minute he would drive away.
My encounter with the horny soldier had my desire raised to the rafters. It didn't hurt that the man in the car wasn't bad looking. There was something about his looks that told me he was OK and if I didn't get into his car, I was going home still looking for love.
He decided it was now or never and he made the first move.
"You want a ride?" he asked, no pretense in his voice. "If you are looking for company, I'm told I qualify."
My heart pounded. My instincts said, 'Just say, no.'
I moved closer to the car, leaning to maintain eye contact as I did so. I was ready to reach for the door handle. It was now or never.
"Where would you like to go?" he asked affably. "I'm Teddy."'
I reached for the door handle and the car stopped rolling. I sat on the edge of the seat keeping one foot on the ground. I took a closer look at him. No alarm bells sounded. I put my other leg inside the car, sitting close to the door, keeping my hand on the doorhandle after I pulled the door closed.
"I'm Teddy," he said again. "I'm safe but if you want to get out, that's not a problem. I can see you are new at this," he said softly.
"I'm Freddie," I lied, angry because I couldn't think fast enough to have a name ready.
"Hi, Freddie," he said.
I stared straight out the windshield. I couldn't look at him. I could feel his eyes on me. He had to know I was excited. I hadn't stopped imagining being with that soldier after moving onto less favorable terrain.
I had turned down the darker street so my arousal wasn't there for everyone to see. I'd taken the first turn and walked into a new type of excitement. My need for companionship didn't subside but a different kind of thrill ran through me and it kept me next to Teddy to see where it would take me.
It was a good sized car. Expensive. I wondered what he liked. I wondered what I liked. He'd done this before, even if I hadn't. I knew why I got into his car. He knew why, but I didn't know what to say, and I remained tongue tied, keeping my hand on the doorhandle.
I thought of Jeff and how that experience went. He didn't so much let me make up my mind as he took me where he wanted me to go. Jeff wasn't threatening and he gave me no reason to run. He took me where I needed to go. It was almost heaven until it was over.
In nineteen years I hadn't run from anything before. I went straight at the bigger boys without flinching. What was it about the sexual equation that left me feeling like I was lacking?
Even though I went along with Jeff, it didn't end well. To Jeff I was part of a game he played while his girlfriend was away. I didn't know what kind of guy does that to his girlfriend.
I didn't like the way it left me feeling.
If going with Jeff was a one shot deal, what did I think this was?
Had Jeff explained his game before he got me going in the park, I wouldn't have followed him home. If I hadn't followed him home, the most intense sexual experience in my life wouldn't have taken place, which left me conflicted about it.
I wasn't sure there wasn't something wrong with me. Jeff had a nice body and he knew what to do to mine. Being that close to someone was the kind of thing I longed for.
One mention of his girlfriend and it left me cold. I didn't care how good he made me feel. He made me feel shabby. He did what he took me home to do and he awarded me the runner-up prize and thanked me for playing.
The man's hand came to rest on the seat too close to my leg.
My eyes were immediately on his hand. I curbed a response that said to open the door, but my hand stayed on the doorhandle. I was inside the car. I wasn't getting out until I had a good reason.
The man was watching me. He could see what was on my mind. His hand retreated closer to his own leg. It was enough to relieve the initial anxiety over what that hand might do.
"You're not scared of me, are you?" he asked with concern.
"No!" I blurted without being convincing.
He was still looking at my face for a sign to tell him what to do.
"I've never done this before. Gotten into someone's car. Now I don't know why I did."
"It's obvious to me why you got in. Why blow smoke up my ass? By the size of the bulge in your jeans, you have something on your mind. You want to solve your problem. A man in a passing car becomes a likely prospect to accomplish what you want. That's why you got into my car. Do you remember now?"
His words were direct but not insulting or that gross, considering he hit the nail right on the head. Was I that transparent?
"I don't know why I said that," I said.
"Because it's your first time. Because you aren't sure what you want or how to get it. This isn't my first time and I have a good idea what it is you want. I'm here because I'm in the same condition you're in. See," he said, putting his hand on the bulge in his jeans.
"We all have that need. Guys, I mean, and we look for ways to solve the problem. This is one way, if you're so inclined that is."
He had a soft pleasant voice and he spoke in smooth easy to understand words. I sensed there was no reason to be afraid. I was more afraid of myself than I was of him. After Jeff, I wasn't sure what I might do if someone got me that hot. I went along with anything Jeff wanted, because the sex was fun and it solved the immediate problem.
I could have liked Jeff if I got the chance, but he couldn't allow that, and once we were done, he gave me the bum's rush.
"You've haven't done this before, have you?" he asked with a touch of certainty in his words.
"No," I confessed.
"I know a place where I can pull over out of the light. Not much traffic on the side street," he said, moving the car slowly enough that I could jump out without breaking my leg.
I wasn't going anywhere. Whatever was going to happen between us was already underway and I was excited.
"If you want to get out, say the word. I'll stop. I think you want what I have to offer and you should think about why you got into my car in the first place. We can go from there. I have no interest in having someone do something they don't want to do. Just say the word and I'll stop and you can walk away. I'm no threat to you."
"Thanks," I said, appreciating that he cleared the air.
He seemed to be able to read my thoughts.
His tone, not to mention the words, made me less stressed.
"I don't do this every day," I said, covering old ground.
"That's obvious. Just so you know, I don't do this very often myself. Then there are the days when I can't get my mind off the idea of taking a drive into town, and here I am," he said. "I'm usually too busy to come to town to find a suitable guy. I only went around the block once when I spotted you, and, well, here we are."
"Yes, we are," I said, relaxing a bit.
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was looking at me as we came to another street and he turned onto it.
"I'm easy, Freddie," he said.
I immediately looked to see if Freddie was in the car.
"What?" I said, not recognizing the name I told him.
"Don't tell me. Freddie isn't your name, is it?"
"No," I said. "I'm Clete,"
I decided the truth was easier to remember.
"Clete? I like that," he said, keeping both hands on the steering wheel as he glided to a stop at the curb on a street with few lights.
He turned off the engine.
"What are you doing?" I asked with suspicion.
"I want to look at you. Do you mind that? It's not often a stud muffin gets into my car. You're not the type of boy who is usually looking for a ride on the meat rack."
"No," I said, looking into his face as he studied mine.
"You're a babe, Clete. Do you want me to blow you now?"
"No," I said. "I've never done that in a car."
What a dope, I thought.
"You want one but not here?"
"Not here," I said. "Too exposed. I wouldn't want to explain to my parents why I was here doing what I was doing."
"That would definitely be something I'd want to avoid. The cops don't come down this street. They stay on the main drags. That's where the action is, but I understand your reservations," Teddy said.
"I'm glad you do," I said, thinking he sounded like a regular guy.
"I hope we can get better acquainted so you are more comfortable with me."
"I'd be cool with that," I said.
"What do you do, Clete? What do you like that we could do here that wouldn't be too chancy for you?"
"I don't know what I should say. I'm not sure, I've only done something sexual with one other guy," I said, feeling my chest constrict. "I mean I've never done anything like this. I haven't done much of anything at all."
"You certainly haven't," he said. "But know why you got into my car. What can we do that wouldn't upset you. I'm easy to get along with and since we've gotten this far, I have no interest in getting you to do something you aren't ready to do yet. We're here for the same reason. I'm horny and you're horny. That won't change if we don't do something about it. I'd like to make this a pleasant experience for you. Sooner or later you will get over your reluctance to engage. Since we are both here, why not get it done tonight?"
His voice seemed understanding. He was sure of himself and he wasn't pushy. He only needed to look at me to know what was on my mind. I wasn't fooling anyone and eventually I would go with someone. I didn't want it to just be anyone. Teddy wasn't as sexy as Jeff and the next guy might not be as nice as Teddy. We were here and I didn't want to go through this again; not tonight anyway.
Like Teddy said, I knew why I was there. I knew why I followed Jeff. It wasn't what I envisioned but it was what I settled for. I was still looking for love. Being with Jeff answered some of my questions. He picked me up in a park and I followed him home and he took care of my problem. What had I expected? The night we met we were looking for the same thing and it wasn't romance. I may have been looking for love but I knew better than to think I'd find it in a park. I thought I'd find love in town. It's where the gay men were.
Having to choose a course of action created fear and doubt about me holding up my end. I didn't want to look bad or disappoint guys. We were in a car and that meant keeping it simple. As simple as that seemed, I didn't know how to communicate what I wanted to Teddy. I said things contrary to how I felt.
I was looking for a nice boy closer to my own age. Someone with whom I could have a meeting of the minds. This was as far from love and romance as it could get. I wasn't going to find love in the front seat of a car. I got into Teddy's car to have another sexual encounter. After getting in, I had doubts.
It was as exciting as it was dangerous, which is why I didn't get out. I could solve the problem I was there to solve. I needed to admit that I was willing to settle for a lot less than love, when I was horny enough, and I was that horny.
It wasn't about love. It was about education.
I'd find that nice boy down the road. When I did, I wanted to know something about what I liked. We'd meet, get to know each other, and we'd fall in love while doing it. That was clear to me.
Deciding what to do and say in the spur of the moment had me stumped. Talking to a stranger about the most intimate aspect of my life wasn't what I usually did, but until now, I hadn't done anything. I didn't have anything to talk about because I didn't know anything.
"Do you wish to go home without doing what you came down here to do?" Teddy asked.
The answer was easy.
"No, I don't," I said. "That's not what I want to do. I'm new at this and I am not sure what to say to someone I don't know."
"If I masturbate myself, would that upset you, Clete?" He asked.
"No," I said, waiting to see what came out of his pants. The cool car began to heat up. He saw me watching him. Anticipation created a different kind of excitement. This was what I watched my buddies do, but I knew them as well as I knew myself.
Teddy was new. I watched him in a way I couldn't watch my buds. I watched him in a way I hadn't watched anyone before.
It felt as though an electrical charge ran between us. It was more delicious and exciting than I anticipated. I saw how easy it would be to help your buddy out while he did the same for you.
The minutes that followed became a blur. I held on as our positioning provided a maximum amount of stimulation. Touching, being touched, created a haze of stimulation that neared bliss.
Somewhere along the way I began to soar, leaving the confines of the car, the town, and the known universe.
Ecstasy followed liftoff, Teddy joined me in orbit a moment later. We floated in a sea of satisfaction. We didn't move, holding fast to our connectivity.
In a few minutes the exhilaration faded and we fell to earth.
I was afraid to join my buddies' circle-jerks. That's not to say they didn't influence my own masturbation, and after ten minutes with Teddy, it was clear I'd been right not to engage with them. The intensity I achieved with a stranger meant I would have most definitely have given my true nature away. I knew it now.
I refused to join in on their reindeer games.
Assuming I'd eventually join in, they went on with me in the room. I was determined not to give in to temptation. Discovering I made the right decision helped.
Possibly I could have joined them and acted as nonchalant as they did by an act that overwhelmed me. I didn't think so. Because our lives were so completely entangled.
Because athletics were so important, and because the five of us ere associated with the same teams, I didn't let the cat out of the bag. Had I joined in and my four best buds were sure I was gay, one of them was sure to share it with other teammates and therein was the reason I sat on the sidelines during the sex games.
Having kids at school point at me, saying, 'He's that gay lacrosse player,' isn't how I wanted to be known. I was a lacrosse player and a soccer player. The gender of my romantic interests was nobody's business but mine.
After high school, I was in control of my life. Being in no hurry to go to town to find people like me, I went to work, played rugby, and I went about living a life without a thousand students having easy access to every detail.
Making a decision about when to come out and who to come out to was in my hands now. I could pick the time and place. Jeff had been a misfire. I got a lesson on positioning and how powerful feelings could be. Instead of an afterglow, I ended up with a sour taste in my mouth. Jeff could have been good for me, but he wasn't.
In a far less private setting, Teddy introduced me to a place where I'd never been before. It was far less complicated than with Jeff, and yet the results were pure pleasure. Now I was left to wonder if it was the person or the situation that excited me most.
Sitting in a car in the middle of the forbidden zone, I felt quite pleased with myself, after we were done. I didn't immediately want to run and it was far more satisfying than the circumstances seemed to indicate it would be.
"Wow!" I said, reacting to what we just finished doing. "That was great. It was amazing."
Reaching across my lap, Ted got out a box of tissues. He handed me a couple and then he tended himself. He set the box of tissue between us in case I needed more.
I felt odd. The situation was odd. Our location was weird. Something about it stimulated me in a way I hadn't been stimulated before. The fear of being discovered mixed well with the excitement of doing something naughty. I still wouldn't want to explain what I was doing to my parents, but I didn't need to.
Being horny was nothing new to me. I was well acquainted with masturbation, but not the thrill taking a risk added. I was learning more about myself and what I liked. Applying it to getting what I wanted required some work.
Teddy was OK as a teacher, allowing me to do it my way. He was able to satisfy my desire for the moment and he didn't cross any line I was aware of. Once more, I'd satisfied his need, which hadn't been a part of my last encounter, although being there seemed to be enough for Jeff.
The only downside was that Teddy wasn't close to my age. I'd found someone that was not only nice but considerate of my space. Our age difference went against what I established in my mind as the perfect partner for me.
I'd lost all my apprehension about being in a closed in space with Teddy. We sat for how long I don't know. My mind worked in peculiar ways at times like these. Thoughts rushed into and out of my head. I'd never thought as much about anything as I'd thought about how I wanted to approach my sex life. If I didn't get this right, I'd be lost.
Enjoying it without doubting my performance or how I interacted with a partner was ongoing. Not knowing how I was supposed to respond or assert myself, I was feeling my way through, so to speak.
Teddy went looking for love at a time I was looking to be loved. We met and agreed to give each other a go, and we achieved some degree of fulfillment for both of us.
The only question left unresolved came down to degree of participation. Was my love life destined to be a series of orgasms brought on by men who I crossed paths with at a time when my need was strong enough for me to accept sex with a stranger. As of yet the image of love in my mind didn't fit with what I was doing.
I realized that feeling content and comfortable was nice too. I assumed every sexual encounter wouldn't end with me being in love. While it was obvious to me by then, the idea I'd meet the right guy and fall in love still persisted, and as long as it did, I'd keep looking.
I wasn't flamboyant. I hated show tunes. I liked a good movie with a plot and characters I believed. A bunch of people dancing around and singing in the middle of a drama did nothing but distract me from the characters and the plot of a story.
The gay kids at school that I knew about were somewhat flamboyant and they did dress in somewhat less conservative colors. While they weren't unpopular, their popularity was limited to girls who seemed to enjoy their company and the more reserved boys.
In the world of athletics it was still an uncomfortable proposition.
'I don't want him looking at my junk,' was a popular sentiment. While I saw my teammates' private parts, there was no looking beyond seeing them in the shower, and I could live without that.
In rugby we came to a match dressed for combat and we left the same way. I hadn't missed the on mass shower scenes that were a big part of athletics in high school.
Most athletes didn't care who looked their way. After practice or a game, we were mostly thinking about whatever ache or pain we took away from today's game and the food we'd eat once we got home.
Except for my four best buds, I knew little to nothing about my teammates but what I heard around school or from the things I observed them doing or heard them saying at practice.
I knew odds were that a couple of boys on the teams I was on were gay. While some of my teammates were squirrelly, there wasn't one I could put my finger on as being gay. As I did what came naturally, I assumed they did to.
Someone on one of my teams might think I was gay but I did my best to leave no clues for my teammates to pick up on.
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