The Universe Hates Me
by Andrew Passey
Chapter 4
So after our epic flapjack eating session (Just because I virtually ate all of them doesn't mean it wasn't OUR session), I decided it was time to enlist Alex in operation "Find Freddie a boyfriend." After all, if he was going to go and get a girlfriend then I needed to move fast so I wasn't left behind. Being gay meant it was going to be much trickier. As the default is that everyone is straight it's tricky to work out who or who isn't a potential mate for me. Ugh, that makes me sound like some sort of caveman or animal. I just wanted someone nice who would hold my hand and kiss me. Nothing more than that (for now!)
So first off I had to do some research. What was I looking for? No fucking idea. However I could at least try and get a look at what I might be getting(!) in the changing rooms for PE and swimming. Surreptitiously though, I wouldn't want to make it too obvious I was checking out all the dicks on show. That was stage one anyway. Then I needed to think of pros and cons for each candidate. Of course there was one fairly major problem, how did I find out if the prospective candidates were into boys? And then even if they were into me without me outing myself. Tricky. I decided there was one thing for it, I needed to enlist the help of my best mate. I decided to spend Sunday doing some thinking about it (and thinking was one thing I did a lot of) and then hit him with it on Monday.
"You're sulking!" I said to Alex who looked distinctly unimpressed when I asked for his help in finding me a boyfriend at break time on Monday. I'd also offered my assistance in helping him find a girlfriend but it seemed he was pretty unenthusiastic full stop. Probably just being grumpy and hormonal, and it was Monday and who likes Mondays?
"NO I'm not!" He protested but I didn't believe him.
"You are! I know all your faces, except your cum face as I haven't seen that one. As far as I know, although I did wonder if you were wanking in maths once, your hand was under the table and your face looked a bit funny."
"I wasn't! I don't get off on quadratic equations!"
"Anyway, look if you don't want to find me a boyfriend because you're jealous I'll get one before you get a girlfriend despite me offering you help in finding the girl of your dreams then fine.. I'll find one myself. Maybe I'll put an advert out. Get some flyers printed. Boyfriend wanted. No time wasters. Size no problem.. Must be willing to wear condoms if doing anal as my Dad will kill me otherwise."
It was like Alex wasn't listening as he groaned and said,"It's nothing to do with that wait...an advert?! Are you fucking crazy? No one knows you're gay and you want to announce it via a flyer on a wall?! Size no problem?!"
"Well if you won't help me I'm stuck coming up with my borderline genius, borderline crazy ideas!"
"Fine, I promise I'll help you find one." Alex didn't sound very happy about it but at least he'd agreed to help. I didn't think I could do it on my own.
"Great! I've done some fairly extensive research and I've drawn up a shortlist of potential contenders. So Daniel first of all."
"Daniel Watson?"
Yep! So…he's got a nice big dick, probably the biggest in the year playing into stereotypes that black kids are well hung. Not that I want to get involved in racist stereotypes but you know I'm not complaining. His dick is much bigger than mine and his foreskin looks big enough to try docking with. He's got loads of hair and his balls look like they're as big as tennis balls!"
"Is that it?" Alex said scoffing.
"Is what it?"
"That's your criteria for finding a boyfriend? How big are their dick and balls? What about you know...something actually important like personality? Whether they're funny? Do you get on with them?"
"Oh um…well that's a bit unfair Alex. I've never looked for a boyfriend before so I didn't know what to look at on my shortlist. So next name on the list, Kevin Jenkins. He's actually got a small dick, no hair really but then again I'm thinking that if he's going to fuck me with it then maybe it'll hurt less than a big one? And maybe he doesn't shoot cum yet so cleaning up afterwards would be easier."
"Right, so basically your entire list is just based on boy's dick sizes?"
"Um…well yeah."
"Am I on the list?"
"Why would you be on the list?!" I asked, almost giggling in surprise.
"Well you did say my dick looked nice," Alex blushed as he said this and I wasn't sure why. Then I had a moment of inspiration. Of course. Alex was uncomfortable with me talking about dicks and stuff because he was straight. I instantly felt a bit bad but also really pleased he was taking one for the team and helping me out. Then I mentally saw a picture of his dick again from the swimming pool changing room and for some reason it made me blush. I decided to move the conversation on.
"I was giving you a compliment! Anyway you can't be on the shortlist to be my boyfriend, you're my best mate!"
"So? Can't best mates also be boyfriends? At least that way you'd have someone who was nice to you and made you laugh!"
Ha ha very funny," I replied. Alex seemed almost affronted by me suggesting that a boyfriend couldn't be your best mate. It was diverting me from the important business at hand of trying to find a boyfriend. "Anyway you're straight so even if I did decide you were a contender it would be a waste of time."
"How do you know I'm straight?" Alex was really messing with me now, he'd always been fairly mischievous but this was pushing it to a slightly inappropriate level. The question hung there in mid air while I tried to think of a pithy comeback."
"Alex! So I'm having a party at my house a couple of weeks on Saturday. You're invited of course, in fact Zoe is on the prowl for a boyfriend and I think you're her number one choice!" The always unwelcome voice of Andrea Collins broke the silence and instantly got my back up.
"But I like Zoe!" I protested as Alex gave me a look to shut up. He knew I didn't but at the same time I was also trying to publicly buff my straight credentials in case anyone guessed I was gay. Although then again how would that help me find a boyfriend. Fuck, this whole boyfriend thing was more complicated than I expected.
"Well she doesn't like you Freddie, she likes Alex. But you can come along I suppose as long as you don't do anything stupid or crazy. Which I know is asking a lot."
"Don't be mean Andrea," Alex said but she just waved her hand and laughed.
"Just speaking the truth Alex!!" Then as quickly as she'd arrived she left, my dreams of having Alex help me with my list now shattered. He'd no doubt be hard as nails and salivating over the thought of kissing Zoe. Mmm Alex hard as nails...STOP. Stop it Freddie. Keep your mind on the job. No, not that sort of job. Stop thinking inappropriate thoughts about your straight best friend. Even if he does have a nice looking dick. Arggh why won't my brain stop thinking for one fucking moment?!
'So…you and Zoe then," I said, trying to move away from my previous thoughts even if I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't like the idea of Alex with Zoe. I suppose it was because I was worried she'd end up monopolising his time and he wouldn't be my friend anymore. But I had also promised to help him find a girlfriend so he'd be even happier than he was so I guess I had to try and be helpful.
"I'm not interested in her. Look I have to go for a piss, I'll see you in Geography."
I was left there feeling a bit confused about the whole thing. Was Alex only saying he didn't like Zoe to make me feel better? Maybe once the party actually happened he'd be shoving his tongue down her throat and his hands down her pants or something like that? I couldn't think of much worse but then again I was gay so no surprise the idea of doing something with a girl made me feel a bit icky.
I tried to bring up the subject of my potential boyfriend list in Geography but Alex kept susshing me and telling me to get on with my work so I did. I raised it again on our walk home but he was still having none of it. Eventually he just threw his hands up in the air theatrically as if I was the one making a big deal of it!
"Look Freddie, I said I'd help you and I will. But you need to think about what you want from a boyfriend other than the fact they have a dick and balls. Imagine you're out on a date with them or they're meeting your parents. How would you like them to act? What would you like them to be like? Would they make you laugh? How would you like them to treat you? Assume you would want someone nice, who makes you laugh, treats you well, looks after you? Surely that is what is important rather than what's in their pants?"
"But that's all boring stuff! I already have you for all that sort of thing! You make me laugh like no one else does and you're my only friend and the only person who is nice to me. I have that now with you. I don't need a boyfriend for that. I want a boyfriend for kissing, and dick stuff and bum sex stuff!"
I didn't think of Alex as a prude but I could see he was blushing from what I'd said.
"What? Why are you blushing? Is it because I mentioned bum sex? Sorry! You aren't ..…..shit you aren't homophobic are you?"
Alex sighed,"No Freddie. I'm definitely not homophobic. You're my best friend and I love you but sometimes you.....Just try not to overthink everything and maybe look at what's right in front of you rather than some fantasy you have."
"What like the park?" I asked as we walked through the gates of the small park by us and across the grass.
"I didn't mean literally in front of....just forget I said anything. So, fancy a sleepover at mine on Saturday?"
I knew a subject change when I saw one but maybe that was for the best. Alex was clearly a bit uncomfortable about me talking so openly about gay stuff. Alex started talking about what movies we could watch and what games we'd play which was probably safer ground. Before long we were both talking enthusiastically about that and all the bum sex stuff was long gone...
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