The Universe Hates Me
by Andrew Passey
Chapter 1
The Universe hates me. I'm convinced that's the case. The things that happen to me? It can only be due to that. Yes I'm different. I know I'm different. I have a bit of ADHD. Actually that's wrong. I have ADHD. You can't have it a bit, you either have it or you don't. Although I prefer the term Neurodivergent. It sounds a bit like I have a superpower. Although when I abbreviate it to ND I'm worried Americans would think I'm talking about North Dakota. Not that I know any Americans so I guess that's a moot point.
Anyway, I don't know if being ND is the reason I am how I am but one thing is for sure I'm definitely weird. I'm socially awkward, like really socially awkward. I'm rubbish at small talk or telling people how I feel. However, at times I also have no filter and I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking at the time and let me tell you my mind works in a pretty weird way. Throw in the usual teenage hormonal stuff and yeah things can get pretty embarrassing pretty quickly.
The thought of being the centre of attention just fills me with absolute dread but the problem is that being a bit weird can make you the centre of attention, or at least a target for bullies and piss takers. It's never directly laughing at me being ND, at least I think it isn't, it just seems that I always end up in situations where things get out of control. I don't really blame the other kids. I'd probably take the piss out of me too. At times it feels like my whole life is just one big mess where however hard I try to avoid it I always end up the butt of everyone's jokes. My brain is wired in strange ways and I can't help but blurt out crazy shit that usually just makes me look like an idiot.
My Dad doesn't help. I know he loves me but some of the time it seems his sole reason for existence is to embarass me, often publically. He seems to take great pleasure in overloading my brain by talking about sex and other stuff that I really really don't want my Dad to talk about. Also for some reason he always buys me a school uniform that's too big for me so I can in his words, " grow into it"and by the time I'm just about to grow into it he then buys another bigger one. I'm fully expecting to leave school without ever having actually fit properly into it. He also thinks he's hilarious and can be very blunt at times. This coupled with the fact the universe hates me can lead to some very fucking awkward moments.
Like the time when he caught me looking at gay porn on my laptop with my pants and trousers around my ankles and my hard dick in my hand. God, I'm almost having another meltdown just thinking about it. I was so engrossed in what I was doing and watching that I hadn't heard him come home. I'd been watching a couple of twinks fucking which would have been bad enough but he happened to walk in when I'd switched to some pretty amazingly animated hentai where goblins were fucking some captured prisoner. There was no mistaking what I was doing and the first I realised he was there was after I'd just cum and I heard him clear his throat.
"Clean up Freddie and come downstairs, we need to talk."
I jumped out my skin all the while desperately trying to close the tab where the prisoner had a massive orc fucking him while he sucked off a goblin. I know I'm not the first teenage boy to be caught by a parent but I doubt any have been caught watching quite as dodgy shit as this. I had two options, one, go down and face the music. Two, run out the front door, catch the Eurostar to Paris, start a new life. More appealing but I didn't actually have any money, so number one it was.
A few minutes later we sat at the kitchen table opposite each other.
"So...interesting choice of porn Freddie. Are you gay, bi or just into being mistreated by green monsters?"
I wanted the world to swallow me up and I felt my brain beginning to overload. I took deep breaths and fought through it enough to blurt out, "I"m gay! I'm not into green monsters, not even ones with massive dicks like the big orcs had. I don't like goblins either! And I wouldn't want to be used by them like the prisoner was, consent is really important Dad!"
He smiled slightly, "That's a relief. While being gay might be hard at times, there is at least there is a chance of finding a boy who likes you, crazy as they would have to be!"
"Dad!'
"...but your chances of finding a goblin or orc to have sex with would be pretty non existent and I doubt anyone would want to dress up as one. I suppose you might get lucky on halloween but having sex one night a year doesn't sound a plan for long term happiness."
"Dad!!" I protested again, "I"m only fourteen. I'm not going to be having sex anytime soon, probably never. I don't even think about sex. In fact, what is sex?!"
My Dad laughed, clearly amused at my discomfort, "Given I walked in on you furiously masturbating to strange animated monster sex on your laptop I think we both know you DO think about sex. A lot. That's fine. Totally natural. You're a teenage boy. However as your Dad it's my duty to protect you. So always wear a condom if you're going to have anal sex and shove your dick inside a boy's bum. And if you're going to be a bottom make sure any boy does the same. Wrap it up, stay safe and no barebacking until you're married! Oral wise you should wear a condom too but I bet you won't however much I tell you too."
"I'm not having sex with anyone! I won't be having sex with anyone! I'm going to remain a virgin my entire life just so we don't have to have a conversation like this ever again!" My face felt redder than ever before and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Dad smiled at me, "Good. Then my work here is done! Now you can go back to your room and play with yourself again if you like."
I left the table with my face burning in embarrassment and mortification. I ran upstairs to my room, copied the link to the goblin porn to save in my email drafts rather than a bookmark (a cunning move I thought) when my laptop buzzed with a whatsapp message from my best (and possibly only friend Alex.
So one other thing to say is that I'm also pretty nerdy and definitely geeky. I don't wear trendy clothes, I don't even know what trendy clothes are. Even if I did, I doubt my Dad would buy them. I think it's fair to say I am the furthest you could possibly be from being cool. I suppose that's fine but I wish that wasn't the case. Some people just seem to be effortlessly cool. So my best mate Alex is one of those people. Well I say best mate, like I just said he's more like only mate really. We've been mates since primary school and I'm still not sure why he's friends with me.
We're both fourteen and for some reason puberty has failed to affect Alex's skin like it has mine. His skin is beautifully smooth and gleaming, with his jet black hair and his emerald eyes and his clean skin he looks like some sort of child TV star. While spotty old me with greasy hair looks like the sort of person who is going to be a virgin all his life. Although just the thought of doing it with anybody is scary. Not that I really fancy anyone either. I pretend I have a crush on Zoe but that's only to fit in as no one knows I'm gay. Well that's not true, Dad does now but no one else does. I'm already persona non grata, if people found out I was gay? Well I guess that would just be one more thing they'd use against me. So I pretend to like Zoe but I doubt anyone who knows me really believes that. Girls scare me shitless anyway and my awkwardness only gets dialled up even more when I'm close to them. Actually that's how it is with virtually everyone. It's only with Alex that I can be myself.
So, back to that message Alex sent me. "Can you send me the link for the homework for Mr Franklin?". Alex often needed my help with homework and this sort of thing which I was more than happy to do. My meds controlled my ADHD and when I concentrated I was pretty fucking epic at schoolwork. So I was always happy to help Alex of he needed it. I'd do anything for him really.
I was still really distracted from my conversation with my Dad but tried my best to focus. So I brought up the homework, copied the link and sent it with a message saying "Here you go!"
A couple of minutes later the computer dinged with a message back, "Er, are you sure this is what you meant to send me? I know Mr Franklin is a bit suss but even by his standards this is a bit out there."
I clicked on the link I'd sent and realised to my horror that the homework link hadn't been copied properly. I'd actually sent him the goblin porn. Why does the universe hate me so much? I decided to use all my ND magic to try and talk my way out of it. Alex wasn't in the room with me so he wouldn't be able to guess I was lying. (He could always tell in person for some reason.)
"Er, yeah, no, that was um Art homework I'd been set?"
"You sure, maybe it was music homework?"
"Really?! Um yeah."
"Yep pink oboe practice!"
"Fuck off!"
"So...are you into monster sex or you just Orccurious?"
There was no point pretending otherwise so I decided to tell some home truths and lay it on the line. I turned the caps lock on just so there wouldn't be any misunderstanding. I didn't want Alex thinking I was a weirdo or anything like that. "SO JUST TO BE VERY CLEAR ALEX..1: I DO NOT GET SEXUALLY AROUSED BY GOBLINS OR ORCS OR ANY MONSTERS. 2: I ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED ON THAT LINK AFTER WATCHING SOME VERY NORMAL GAY PORN BETWEEN TWO NICE LOOKING BOYS. 3: MY DAD WALKED IN ON ME WANKING. 4: I WANT TO DIE. 5. I"M GAY. 6: ONLY YOU AND DAD KNOW SO PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE OR HATE ME FOR IT. XX"
"Wow, you have had quite a day of it. Of course I don't hate you, you're my best mate. If I paint my dick green will you give me a blow job?'
"Ha ha very funny!"
"Who said I was joking?! O...kay. I need to get on with homework so please send me the proper link. Try to avoid any more goblin wanking!'
I made sure I copied the homework link properly this time around and sent it to Alex. I then lay on my bed, suddenly my mind was racing. I'd told my Dad and my best mate I was gay. Not when and how I intended but at least it was there. In fact this could be great. Maybe Alex could help me get a boyfriend and then there would be kissing and bum stuff and all sorts of fun. Stop Freddie. Slow down. One. Step. At. A. Time.
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