TeddyBear's Story - Part 2

This is the true story of my life, it will be painful for me to write and maybe difficult for some of you to read and I hope it will help somebody to an understanding of themselves.

It is dedicated to my first "life" partner who died in my arms at the age of twenty.

Hugs to all


Here I am not yet 16, no friends, little money and very frightened in a city I do not know,

Worrying that the police will be looking for me.

I will tell about this in the next part and yes it does get worse before it gets better.

Well I’ve done it, left home no going back now, I know that I must steer clear of the police as it wont be long before I am listed as missing and possibly listed as being mentally unstable as well, what now, I have some money not a lot and my bike and I did get a thin sleeping bag out into the shed I had my bike in at home and got rid of my school stuff and shoved it on my pack along with a few clothes.

The first night I rode out of the city a little way and found myself a little shelter off a narrow country lane. And spent my first night of freedom under a hedge in my bag.

The following day I found a cheap café and had a cup of tea and beans on toast I had to find something to do to earn money and find a roof over my head not easy as it’s a catch 22 situation I had no employment no nation insurance number and I dare not try to obtain one so I had to find something that was "cash in hand" with no questions in those days there were quite a lot of small cinemas and I had had some experience in a little cinema in my home town you know the local flea pit! "Itching to get in and scratching to get out"

So I got the local paper and got pedaling around and being as I was six foot tall I looked older than I was so I claimed eighteen and got away with it and on the third day got myself a junior third operators job in a flea pit, lousy wage even then but no tax no questions about 11 pounds a week! I then started to hunt for a roof and found a tiny room in a big house owned by a nice Irish lady for seven pounds a week that did not give me much but I could survive on a limited diet of beans on toast and chips! And this gave me the start after a few months I found a café owner that had about 5 jukeboxes all the same and all with the same faults and with a bit of luck found a cure for his problems this lead to other odd jobs that gave me some spare cash.

After about 9 months I felt I was getting sorted I was busy doing thing I enjoyed and coming to terms with life I had even got into visiting the odd pub (yes breaking the law!)

One day on my evening off I found an odd club that seemed to have a lot of very strange men in yes it was a "gay" club I was very nervous going in the first time but although I was looked at I was left alone and eventual started to chat to a few guys on my third visit I was getting relaxed and at about 10 pm left to go home the lighting was not good (gas lights were still in a lot of places) as I was walking home I could here footsteps behind me and here people talking I did not think anything about this until I passed an alley way and suddenly found myself being grabbed and push into the dark alleyway three drunken guys in there early twenty’s one now trying to strangle me the others the others calling me a F***ing Faggot and cocksucker they must have seen me come out of the club.

One of the guys punched me in the gut that knocked me to my knees I was kicked up against the wall my face was smacked about all the time behind a barrage of verbal abuse

One of the guys pulled out his dick and pissed all over me encouraged by his mates next thing I know he it trying to ram it in my mouth Oh god what can I do struggle yes but that gets me another black eye, they then drag me further into the alley next thing I realize is the I am being punched again and thrown over the top of a dust bin OH no! One pulls out a knife and holds it to my face and shoves my scarf into my mouth one of the others rips my trousers down and before I can do anything I feel as though a red hot poker has been rammed inside me the pain is unbearable it seems to go on for ever after the first bastard has ejaculated in me the other two have there fill as well, I can feel the blood running down my legs after this I get throw down in the garbage and held down while the first bastard S**ts on my face.

A few seconds later they run down the alley and vanish I had a cracked rib two black eyes a badly cut ear huge bruises I was bleeding at the rear covered in S**t and drowned in Piss in terrible pain and could not call the police or and ambulance, well I managed to crawl up the dustbin ripped my scarf out of my mouth and ripped it in two one half to try to clean myself up a bit and the other to try to stanch the bleeding, and to figure out how to get home and sneak in it took me three and a half hours to travel a distance I would walk in forty minuets. I got home and got to my room managed to get my clothes off

And had a wash took some aspirin put my foul ruined cloths in a bag and sneaked the out into the bin I was still bleeding but it seemed to be slowing I had to fold up a towel and put it inside a clean pair of underpants and lay down praying that I would not die I did not sleep at all as the pain did not improve and my eyes slowly closed from the damage I did drop of for a couple of hours and there was a lot of blood on the towel but It seemed to have now stopped but the bruises were going a nasty shade of black. I could not get up in the morning and my landlady knocked the door and came in she could only see my face

"Dear god what happened" was her first words I then had to lie to here and say I got caught in a pub brawl she went and made some tea and asked me if I wanted a bath (I must still have stunk like a pole cat) she went and started the water and I managed to hide the blood soaked towel and change my underwear again.

It was about ten days before I could leave the house I had lost ten days wages still bruised and in pain and as to going to the toilet that was pure hell as the blood clots a healing skin were damaged yet again. During this time I was blaming myself for being gay and hating myself keeping the whole thing bottled up inside.

Well I slowly got better and after a month looked ok, still in pain from my rape but living

I would not go out only to work and hide myself away after trying to tell myself I must go straight I am still only sixteen and a half life has to be better than this.

At that time I kept my money in a tobacco tin shoved in a draw in my room I decided that it was time to try and open a bank account (not so easy in those days) and after investigating found the my landlady banked at a local Midland bank this was good as at least I could get a reference from her I went and saw the manager and after much deliberation he said yes this was a good start, on my way out I looked over at the bank tellers and there was a face I had seen before a very nice face whoops hormones coming back on line he lived a few house down the road from me. A few days later I bumped into him in the local library and we got to talking he was a year older than me and I found that every time we met I had difficulty in speaking and was very nervous I think I was falling in love, but could not say or do anything we started to spend a lot of our time off together as we both used to read a lot and I could get into a lot of cinemas for free one evening in the local pub we had both had a few pints and we were talking about all sorts of things and My radar went off could David be gay like me ? No not possible I tell myself, we leave and walk back home David ask can he come in and have a coffee as his folks would be in bed that was fine by me I made instant coffee and he was sitting in my one and only chair me sitting on the bed all of a sudden he was asking me if I had ever had a girlfriend I told him no I did not seem to have time for them he said he did not as well the conversation sort of died and we ended up looking at one another I took a huge risk and told him I did not think I would bother to get married he said Oh? Then told me he might not we were both hedging about then I noticed a tear running down David’s face I asked him what was wrong the tears rolled faster I got up and move to where he was sitting and touched his hands the floodgates opened and I the next hour I found out all about his hidden life, yes he was gay and yes he thought he was in love with me well we were both in tears and hugging one another, yes you can guess the next bit yes we did kiss and yes it did go a little beyond that.

Life was getting better, I still had not told David about me doing a runner from home or about the rape or in fact my real age but over the next few months it all came out and made no difference to him he just seemed to love me even more, he wanted to move out from home because his mother was very homophobic! He was earning a little more than I was and suggested that we should find a flat together as we both wanted more room I thought about this and warned him that this could lead to family trouble but yes I would like as we were getting more adventurous with our sex lives and me in a house with an Irish landlady and paper thin walls was not a good mix, well a couple of months later

David phones me at work one evening and tells me he has found a place the rents ok

Its not big but it is the top of a large house that has been split into three flats, we go and look, I jump at it here I am seventeen and half deeply in love with the man of my dreams and moving into a flat with him yes it had two bedrooms just the second one was so small one bed one chair and a set of draws that’s it! And about four inch’s of clear space!

But it would satisfy David’s mum we hoped, it did not, she did not see why David needed to leave home he had everything he needed there, groan and we could not say yes but no sex, and no love!

His dad was fine about it his view was all boys want to get out and not have to worry about bringing girlfriends home little did he know the boyfriend was there already home.

Things settled down I was finding enough work outside the cinema and had got an old banger of a car on the road and gave up my cinema job (I was doing some cinema maintenance by this time) we were slowly salting money away David was studying hard for a bank exam we were so happy but David got the flue and did not seem to recover always tired and lost his spark somehow I told him that he must go to the Doc’s and find out if there was anything wrong, he did, doc says hospital tests, hospital says more tests, hospital says come in for a few days for tests, hospital consultant says Oh dear you have leukemia! And I don’t know if we can do much! We have been happy together for fifteen months and now the ultimate bombshell rips through, for a week we are just paralyzed we cant talk about it and tell nobody (screw the lid down again) well the crap hits the fan even harder his mother comes around unexpectedly and finds some of my stuff in "David’s" bedroom and she goes spare David tells her it does not matter what she thinks or does because he will be dead in less than eighteen months she is told he has leukemia

She says that must be my fault for seducing her son the whole thing ends up as a screaming match I phone David’s dad at work and he comes round bundles her out and home half an hour latter he is back and listens to what we both say both about the fact we are gay and the terrible news, he says he accepts our relationship and only wants David to be happy, he even gives me a hug!

David is still working but is on a lot of medication and the pain is getting worse, the Old Bag as we call here won’t even visit him even if I am not there. We decide that he must give up work he does not want to go into hospital we go to the Doc and we lay our relationship on the line and tell him (we are breaking the law we do have sex, between men this was a prison offence at this time!) he is very understanding and says that we must see a lawyer to make sure that things a sorted out and that "she" cannot challenge David’s will or his funeral, we do this finding a very nice guy through the bank he ties the whole thing up in knots! David decides he will organize his own funeral, I don’t know where he gets the strength from, but yes its done his pain levels are silly and we have a Macmillan nurse in daily she even shows me how to give David extra doses of painkillers at night she is wonderful she knows about us and does not care.

The months slide by David has lost a huge amount of weight does not eat much and is loosing interest in things all I can do is be there for him at night I hold him in my arms wondering how this is going to end what will happen to my love I spend so much time crying my heart out but I must not let David see, I go on Wednesdays and pick his brother Peter up from school "she" thinks he is in a drama class! Peter is fifteen and dad has told him all about us, and he thinks its fine I am another brother to him, "dad" goes to his club on Thursday evening oh really! He is with us for a meal and a drink giving us some support that we both need, even his manager from work calls.

One Thursday night after "dad" has left at about ten o’clock David is very restless I am lying on the bed holding him in my arms I can feel his pain, its bad very bad he cries out about twelve thirty and begs me to give him his meds we both know that the dose is so high and the timing is critical he is not due for two hours but its so bad he is in agony the Doc and the Nurse have warned me that this could happen and have said it is our decision I give him the dose and in a few minuets he relaxes and calms down I sponge his face he sips a little juice I am holding him gently he opens his eyes and whispers " I love you"

They close and he seems to be sleeping, at about four am his face seems to get more beautiful and I realize the my love is no more I hold him for two hours the tears flowing I cannot leave him, just after six I very gently lay him down and say my goodbye.

Now I have to be strong and get things moving phone Dad and let him know he is round in less than ten minuets phone the Doc and the undertaker and the lawyer because I expect trouble, the doc comes by seven forty and gives me the certificate Dad goes back home eight fifteen the undertaker is there to take my David away the nurse turns up at eight thirty and is wonderful she is helping me to cope with the terrible thing that have happened, at just after nine the door goes strange its an undertaker he wants David’s body he has been sent by HER! I tell him that David arranged his own funeral paid for it and that I had all the legal papers his will etc, I show him and he says that that’s fine he did not know he’s very sorry, oh hell phone lawyer again and tell him she is making big waves he gets there before ten we have been talking for a few minuets and She is banging on the door I open it and before I can react she slaps me round the face and tells me to F***of and get out of David’s flat before she has me arrested, thank god the lawyer is here he offers to call the police to have her thrown out she is screaming about me stealing David’s body Walter the lawyer opens up his case and pulls out a bundle of papers and tells her that these are certified copies of the lease David’s will and David’s instructions to the funeral director and a letter from David to be given to her if she tried to cause trouble she looked at the letter Grabbed the papers and tore then up and stormed out. She did not come to the crematorium on the following Monday and told Dad and Peter they must not go, they were there helping me to go through with the funeral, it was a simple but a very lovely service I got to say how much he meant to me as did Peter and his dad I was shocked by the number of people there all the bank staff and a few customers my old landlady and her son (that was a shock) and our close friends.

On the Wednesday I was to pick up his ashes we had talked about this he wanted me to scatter them in a wooded area that had a special meaning to us and he wanted just Peter and I to do it so on the Thursday just one week after he left me we went and did as he requested.

A few days later I had a phone call from David boss at the bank I went to see him and he told me that David had a life policy that I did not know about and he gave me a cheque for over two thousand pounds, I was in shock I had it put in a high interest account I wanted to think about this, Peter had told me that he wanted to be a Doctor and I knew that he would need extra money but not for a few years so I had Walter the lawyer set up a trust in Peters name so that he had a small income while he was training and anything left as a lump at the end. I was so happy when he qualified and he went on to specialize in cancer treatment.

So here I am again just over twenty the love of my life has gone what next?

David you are still in my heart I still wear the ring you gave me and I still love you.

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part 1 | part 3

Hugs to anybody reading this I hope it has not frightened you but I have to tell this the way it was.


Cancer Nurses