Letters In The Sand
by Marc Vad
Part One
It was a dark and stormy night. The wind howled, and the rain beating relentlessly against the windows only added to the cold, lonely feeling creeping through me. Distant lightning flashed and the shadows it created danced across the room. When the inevitable crack of thunder finally rolled past our little seaside cottage, I could feel myself begin to tremble. As I pulled the blanket up tight to my chin, I couldn't help thinking to myself, 'I just hate being alone! I really fucking hate it!' Ever since I was a little kid I hated it, but I wasn't about to let my parents know that. No frigging way was I going to admit it to them.
I knew all about it way before we got here. I said I could stay by myself, that I was too old for them to have someone watch me. Hell, I was fifteen for Pete's sake. I could handle this. At least I thought so. Being stuck here alone, in a totally new place and in the middle of a summer storm to boot, was just too much though.
My mom and dad just had to go all the way back to the city for some big shit get-together with friends on our first night here and said they would be late. Who the hell did they know way out here anyway? Christ, we're like a thousand miles from home! I was so little when we moved away I can't even remember the last time I was here! Damn it, knowing the way they are at parties, I'm not so sure they'll make it back tonight at all.
Sitting in the small living room with all the lights on and the TV blaring I tried to make the best of things. I relaxed (or at least I tried to), but every time the wind shifted, the cottage made this weird creaking noise that sounded like a door. I kept telling myself it was all nothing, but as the storm raged overhead I felt myself tensing up even more.
As if all this weren't bad enough, to make matters even worse, all there was on TV tonight was some shitty old thriller type murder mystery on the movie classics channel called "Wait Until Dark". Go figure!
I threw another blanket over myself and adjusted the pillows on the sofa so I could see the TV a little better. It was too soon after dinner (if you could call frozen pizza a dinner) to be hungry, and way too early to go to bed. When I pulled the covers up under my chin and settled in for a long night in front of the tube there was a bright flash of lightning. Not a zillionth of a second later I heard a crack of thunder that made the whole house rattle.
Fuck!!! If there is anything I hate more than being at home all alone in a bad storm, it's being at home all alone in a bad storm with all the freaking lights out!!!
I shot up off the sofa so fast my feet got all tangled in the covers and I fell flat on my face. "Damn it!" As I sat upright on the floor and began to unravel myself from the clot of blankets around my feet I wondered what else could possibly go wrong tonight!
The house was pitch black! Of course, I had never given a single thought to getting some candles or a flashlight ready. So, when I managed to get up I began groping my way to the kitchen. Once there, I rummaged through drawers for anything that might help to cut through the darkness. After what seemed like an hour of scrambling around I managed to find a candle stub way in the back of the bottom drawer. I got a match from the box over the kitchen stove and struck it. The flash from the match seemed even brighter than the lightning outside but it did make me feel a little better. Just a little.
"Well, now what do I do?" I said to myself.
There wasn't any answer.
I went back into the living room and placed the candle on the coffee table then looked out the window to where the next house was down the road. That was the place where Dad's friend lived, the ones we were here to visit. What did Dad say his name was? Damn it! I was sure he said what it was. I think it was Ryan or something Irish like that.
Wouldn't you just freaking know that their lights would be still working! If there had to be one single place in the whole miserable world that the lights just had to go out, of course, it would have to be the place I'm stuck in alone!
The big house down the road looked creepy in the dark, real creepy. I remembered when we were driving by the place earlier this afternoon; I thought to myself about how lonely it must be living way out on a point sticking out into the ocean. The place was huge, three stories and was one of those old time houses that you'd expect to find in an Anne Rice novel. You know; the kind of house where the vampire keeps his coffin in the basement. Man, why the hell do I keep thinking of this shit?
The road we had to use to get here went right by the place and dead-ended here at our little cottage. Dead-ended! Damn it! There I go again!
"All right Patrick, get a grip on yourself!" I caught myself talking to myself again, then added aloud, "Stop that, people are gonna think you're freaking nuts!" Then I thought for a second and added, aloud, "What fucking people!?"
I didn't know if it was the stress of being alone, in the dark, and in a bad storm to boot, but all of a sudden I was hungry again. No not hungry, starving! I was starving! So, I picked up my candle and headed back into the kitchen to see what I could scrounge up. My first instinct in my quest for sustenance was to look into the fridge but I remembered somewhere someone saying something about not opening a fridge door when the lights go out.
Man, who makes up all these stupid rules anyway? A person could starve to death waiting for the lights to come back on. Well, being the good boy that I was, I turned toward the cupboard to see what I could scrape up in there. In a few minutes I managed to find a bag of cookies and a jar of peanut butter.
"Well, it's better than nothing." I stopped and thought about it for a second, but I couldn't really remember whether I had said that out loud or not. Oh what the hell! I was all alone and I could do whatever the hell I wanted in my own house.
I took my cookies and peanut butter, got a Pepsi out of the fridge (damn it!!! Now I'm in for it!!!), and went back into the living room to pig out for a while. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and hunched over my snack. Smearing gobs of peanut butter up with the cookies and washing this mess down with Pepsi it finally hit me. "Shit! The TV is out too!!"
Doomed to total boredom! Arghhhhhhh!!! Is there no justice in the universe?!?!
You'd think that a healthy, reasonably smart just turned fifteen-year-old boy would be able to find something to occupy his time. NOT!!! I want my TV!!!
I dragged an old magazine across the coffee table and tried to read a little, but one candle doesn't give a lot of light so I soon gave that idea up.
"Hey, at least I was trying!"
It is really weird how, no matter what size bag of cookies you start with, there is always way more peanut butter than cookies. Well, not willing to be outdone by a jar of peanut butter I scooped up a huge gob of the thick stuff with one of my three last remaining cookies and maneuvered it into my mouth. Not being one to give up too soon I returned to the magazine and tried to look at the pictures.
Knock, knock, knock...
Whoa!!! I thought I heard something and strained to see if I could hear it again.
Knock, knock, knock...
For a second or two I froze. Then, as I slowly turned around and looked toward the window in the front door, a flash of lightning revealed the dark silhouette of a huge figure standing on the front step. Jesus H. Christ! I almost choked. I noticed that I was shaking as I reached to pick up my candle. I used one hand to pull the blanket tight and held on to the candle with the other as I crept to the door.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK...
I jumped again, spilling hot wax on my hand and I yelped, dropping the candle to the floor. I took a deep breath to try to calm myself and then made my way in the dark to the front door. The shadow of a man moved across the window and I froze. For a second all the creepy horror movies I had ever seen flashed through my mind and I swore right then to never watch another one. I took a deep breath and asked, "Ooohthere?" Damn peanut butter! I began to chew and lick my teeth and swallow it all down as fast as I could and I asked again, "Who's there?"
The man's voice boomed over the howling of the wind. "I'm Tom Riley, your Dad's friend, you know, from the house up the road. Your father asked if I would look in on you in case anything happened."
I remembered something in the back of my mind about my Dad saying that his friend that lived in the big house would watch out for trouble, but as usual I only paid half attention to him. Moving a bit closer to the window, I could see a big man standing in a black, hooded raincoat. I didn't expect him to switch on his flashlight right then and I jumped back. I swore to myself under my breath for being such a wimp but as my eyes slowly adjusted to the light, I saw a friendly face that I kind of thought I remembered. I just couldn't be sure.
I removed the chain, and fought to hold onto the door as the wind and rain blew in with him. "Phew... Hello." I heard a friendly voice from under the hood of a dripping wet rain jacket. "You can't be Patrick. My lord, you were only two feet tall the last time I saw you. I'm your father's friend, Tom, Tom Riley?" Mr. Riley pulled the hood of his rain jacket down and I saw his face in the dim light.
I managed to swallow the rest of my peanut butter and answered hesitantly, "Yes sir, I think so, sir." Then after licking my teeth one last time, I asked, "You said my Dad asked if...?"
Almost impatiently the man cut me off saying, "Yes. Like I said; if any thing happened would we look in on you?"
"Oh, Ok, thanks." What else could I say? Grownups, they never tell you half the story or if they do manage to get it all out they should at least make sure you listen to it!
"That lightning hit the pole right next to the cottage. It's still smoking some," Mr. Riley remarked.
I thought about it for a second and said, "Really? I thought it might have hit the house."
"No, the cottage is fine. I walked around and checked before coming to the door." He added, "I'll call the power company from the house when we get back there."
I smiled as I answered, "Thank you, sir."
Mr. Riley went to a picture on the living room wall and opened it like a little door. Behind the picture there was a fuse box and as he tried all the breakers he said, "That's all right. Looks like the power is out at the pole, why don't you get your foul weather gear and come along to our place until your Mom and Dad get home. You can leave a note so they won't worry."
I didn't really want to go out in this storm, but I didn't really want to stay alone any more either, so I answered, "Yes sir, but I don't have a rain suit."
Mr. Riley didn't skip a beat as he said, "Hmm, well Patrick, bundle up as best you can. Do you have a coat?"
"Yes sir, well it's just a jacket," I admitted.
The friendly looking man smiled and said, "You can drop the 'sir' OK. The name is Tom." He smiled as he continued. "Let me check the kitchen for a trash bag."
"Yes sir, I mean Tom." I smiled in the dim light as I went to get my coat.
I went into my tiny room and plucked the jacket from the hook behind the door. While I was out of the living room, I couldn't help thinking that I was sure I knew Mr. Riley from somewhere. I knew that I had seen him before but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I really do need to start paying better attention to what my parents tell me.
I returned to find Tom standing by the door with a big trash bag and I asked, "What's the garbage bag for?"
Tom smiled and pulled out a pen knife and made three slits in the bag, one for my head and two for my arms. He then rolled it up and had me put it on like sort of a poncho. We left a short note on the table for my Mom and Dad and as we locked the door and left the little cottage behind, Tom remarked, "Your father must have mentioned that we lived next door?"
"I think so," I answered half absently while shielding my face from the flying rain and sand. The wind was howling through the treetops and made the whole scene seem unreal.
As we walked along, Tom laughed and said, "Good. Well, your father and I have been friends since we were in grade school you know. We were really close until we each left for college. That's why you're all here."
The wind was picking up and it seemed like the rain was going more sideways than down. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the rain from his face. I looked up to my father's friend and asked, "What do you mean?"
Mr. Riley explained, "Well, sometimes friends grow apart, take different paths in life, and when that happens, sometimes even the best of friends lose touch. Your Dad and I figured it was about time that we all get reacquainted." As we walked down the road that led back to the big white house, he added, "You know, you were only a baby when I last saw you and your family."
I smiled as I tried to hide my embarrassment at being referred to as a 'baby'. Just about the last thing a fifteen-year-old boy wants to hear is that he was ever a baby.
Walking along the dark road, we tried our best to shield ourselves against the wind and the driving rain but no matter what I did I just kept getting wet. It was still the middle of August but the temperature was unusually cold for this time of year. The lightning was flaring in the far distance and made the horizon look like a far away sea battle was being waged. The muted rolls of thunder only added to the desolate scene.
As we approached the Riley house and turned down the driveway I noticed that someone was watching out for us through one of the upstairs windows. Whoever it was, he or she was too small to be a grown up and I was more than a little curious about who it was.
Tom looked up and noticed the figure as well; he waved to the shadow in the window as he said, "Ahh, that's Braden, my son. You'll meet him in a few minutes."
I looked up as the boy waved back and then he turned from the window and disappeared into the room leaving the curtains to swish back into place. For a moment I thought I heard Mr. Riley say something else, but I couldn't make it out. In the howling wind I could barely hear him. I didn't know if he was speaking to me or if it was the wind playing tricks. Not wanting to seem rude, like I wasn't paying attention, I asked, "What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you."
He stopped for a second and turned to look at me as if he were going to repeat what he said. He took a deep breath and said, "Oh, it's nothing. Come on, we're almost there." Mr. Riley smiled at me and then turned back to the long driveway. I could tell he was in a hurry to get home and I could also tell there was something more to all this. I couldn't help but wonder just what it was.
When we ascended the six or seven steps leading up to a wide porch, one of the two doors swung open and an older woman came out, quickly ushering us into the foyer of the huge house and closing the door against the storm. Mr. Riley smiled widely at the older lady and said as he pulled off his foul weather suit. "Oh brother; what a storm! I wouldn't want to have to make that trip twice in one night."
Then, Mr. Riley said to me with a smile, "Patrick, this is my Mother, Mrs. Riley." Turning to his mom, he added, "Mother, this is Patrick, Andy and Deborah's son."
The older lady smiled from ear to ear and happily said, "Surely you're joking." Then, as she came closer, looking me over, up one side and down the other she added, "My lord! You do look like your father when he was your age. I would hardly believe you are the same little boy whose diapers I used to change."
I could feel my face getting hot and I knew I was blushing. The thought of this nice old lady seeing me buckety ass naked made me want to crawl through a crack in the floor. I smiled and held out my hand, and shook hers quickly trying to change the subject, saying, "Pleased to meet you Ma'am. You really knew my Dad when he was a kid?"
The nice lady patted my cheek and with a little chuckle looked at her son, and said, "It's like looking at a photograph, isn't it?" Then, she looked back at me and happily added, "Your father and Thomas spent many summers here while they were growing up."
"Really? I think I remember hearing my Dad talking about that." I remembered one Christmas when I was little and the family was looking at old photo albums and I was asking who everybody was in the pictures. "I remember one Christmas back when I was a kid. We were looking at some really old pictures. I think your house was in some of them, Ma'am."
I suddenly got that creepy feeling that I was being watched. When I looked around, I noticed a boy standing quietly at the top of the stairs. I smiled, but the boy didn't move an inch. Mr. Riley then turned and said, "Braden, this is Patrick. Please come down, son." As Braden reached the bottom of the stairs, his father said, "Patrick, this is my son, Braden."
I held my hand out to him and Braden hesitantly shook it as I said, "Hi." Braden just nodded as Mrs. Riley took my hand and led me into the parlor where there was a nice fire blazing in the hearth.
Without wasting any time she said, "Now child, come in and get warm before you catch your death of cold. Lord, you are nearly soaked through to the bone." She looked to Braden as he followed us into the large room and asked, "Bring some towels, dear, would you please?"
Braden answered almost in a whisper, "Yes ma'am, right away Grandma." He disappeared back into the house through another door and quickly returned with two towels, handing them to his grandmother.
The parlor was huge and definitely took a Grandmother to decorate. It had a big, soft, comfy looking sofa and chairs. Lots of pictures on the walls and it even had the Grandmother smell to it. You know what I mean, like old wood, nice perfume and home made chocolate chip cookies all mixed together. My grandparents were all gone and all of a sudden I kind of felt a twinge of envy mixed with a little sadness.
Once in front of the fire, I peeled out of my wet coat and handed it to Tom as he took it to the kitchen to hang it up along with his rain gear. Mrs. Riley smiled sweetly at Braden, saying, "Thank you, dear." Braden almost smiled as he sat down at the edge of the fire. Mrs. Riley handed one of the towels to me and held one out to her son as he returned.
Mr. Riley smiled as he raised his towel and mopped the rain from his face then threw it over his neck as he asked, "Mother, is the cocoa ready?"
"OH! My yes! I almost forgot! It'll be just a minute," and the nice lady bustled off disappearing into the kitchen.
I was nearly soaked to the skin and was beginning to feel it. I stood in front of the fireplace and tried to warm myself but it seemed that as my front got warm, my backside got cold and when I turned to warm my backside my front turned to ice. Braden moved to a seat just to the side of the hearth in a nice comfy looking chair and silently watched me as I spun in front of the fire.
After a few seconds, Mrs. Riley returned with a tray loaded with mugs and cookies and a large pitcher of hot cocoa and went about serving the hot sweet drink. As Braden's Grandma passed out hot steamy mugs of cocoa she said in good Grandmotherly fashion, "Now don't spill any of this on my new carpet." As she placed the tray of cookies with the remainder of the cocoa on the coffee table, she added, "And mind the cookie crumbs too."
Her kind attentions were rewarded with a resounding group, "Yes Ma'am."
"Well children, it's late, and I need my beauty sleep, so I'll say goodnight now." Mrs. Riley gave us a wide smile and left us to our cocoa. Before she left the room, she said to her son, "Oh Tom, get Patrick some dry clothes before he gets pneumonia, would you dear?"
"Yes mother. We'll be turning in shortly too," Tom agreed.
Braden was about the same age and build as me so I knew his clothes would fit me. The thought of getting out of these wet clothes made me feel a little better.
As we sipped our cocoa I noticed through the corner of my eye that Braden was watching me. Whenever I shifted my position in front of the fire he would quickly turn away, but his eyes always drifted back to me. I thought to myself that he might just be shy with new people, but there was something more. Braden seemed to be here, yet far away at the same time. I got the feeling that something was not being said. Something was wrong; I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.
I tried to think of something to say, but I didn't want to begin our new friendship by breaking rule one of the kids' book of survival, 'never talk about stuff in front of the parents'. Before I was forced to say something totally lame, Mr. Riley broke the silence by saying, "Well Patrick, it looks like you'll be spending the night." Then to Braden, "Why don't you take Patrick to your room and find him something dry to put on?"
Braden nodded and answered, "Yes Dad." He put down his unfinished cocoa then got up out of his chair and waited silently as I quickly finished mine.
As we started upstairs, Braden seemed to loosen up a little bit, he kind of half smiled as he said, "my Dad and Grandma have rooms right upstairs, but my room is up on the third floor." He took off at a good clip and I followed.
We climbed the stairs to the second floor being careful not to disturb Braden's Grandmother and we walked down the hall to a door at the far end. Braden opened it to reveal yet another set of stairs on the back side of the house which led both up to the third floor and down to the kitchen. As we started up to the third floor Braden asked almost as if he were afraid to, "So w... what kind of video games do you have?"
I was happy for any reason to break the ice with Braden and I quickly answered, "I've got a Play Station II and an old Nintendo that I hardly use any more, but I still like to play some of the old games. I had a PS I, but I sold it to get enough money to buy the new one."
Braden smiled a little as he said, "I just got a Play Station II for my birthday and I probably have the same old Nintendo as you."
I could see that Braden was trying hard to open up and I wanted to keep the conversation going so I added, "I like mostly adventuring games and games where you have to solve some sort of puzzle or problem."
Braden turned to face me as he continued, "Really, me too! Do you have the Riven series?"
"I played the first two, but I don't have the third yet. Ever play Parasite Eve? That one is pretty intense?"
"Yeah I've played it, it's OK," Braden admitted.
When we got to the top of the winding stairway we came upon a landing with three doors. Braden went directly to the door opposite the stairway and opened it. He led the way and I followed him in. As we entered his bedroom I was amazed. It was really huge for a kid's room and had about everything a kid of about fifteen could ever possibly want. There was a really nice stereo with a CD changer, a computer with a nineteen-inch monitor, a TV with a VCR and a DVD player too not to mention a surround audio system and video games. I thought I had died and gone to kid heaven.
All I could say was, "Whoa! You really have a cool room dude!"
Braden seemed to brighten and for a moment looked proud at the compliment but that soon faded as he crossed the room to the stereo, pushed two or three buttons and music began seeping from what seemed every crack and corner if the room. I asked the name of the band and he replied, "Sigur Ros, they're a band from Iceland." Next he went to the nightstand and switched on a small lamp and he asked, "Wanna turn off the overhead light? It's way too bright in here."
"Um... Sure." I turned and hit the switch on the wall.
Braden went to his dresser and pulled out a pair of boxers, sweat pants and a matching sweatshirt and handed them to me. Then he sat on the corner of the bed and absently began thumbing through a handful of CD's.
I slowly unbuttoned my wet shirt, pulling it off and quickly slipped the warm fleece shirt on. After being totally wet from the forced march here, it felt real good to be dry and warm again. At least the top half of me was dry and warm.
All of a sudden I was feeling nervous I don't know why, but I just felt a little uneasy. I had never had to undress in front of a total stranger before, at least not all alone in a strange bedroom. Sure, I was on the swim team at home, and we all used a common locker room and showers, but I knew all those guys since practically the first day of school. Somehow this felt different.
I wasn't really shy, at least I didn't think I was, but now, all at once I was feeling kind of weird. Maybe it was the way Braden kept looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. Maybe it was the way he always turned away just as I caught him. There was just something about Braden, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Well, it had to be done, so I turned myself away from Braden and kicked off my shoes and unbuckled my belt. Next, after pausing to quickly plan each and every move in my head, I quickly pulled off my pants and underwear in one motion, jumping into the boxers as fast as I could. I nearly fell twice during this maneuver but I did manage to change without losing any of my fifteen-year-old dignity.
When I turned, I was surprised to see Braden smiling and looking right at me.
Without thinking, I blurted out, sharply, "What the hell are you looking at!?"
The smile quickly evaporated from Braden's face to a look of utter amazement, and he retorted, "Nothing. I mean, you just looked so funny, trying to change so fast." He could not hold it in any more and burst into a fit of laughter, adding, "I thought you were going to land right on your ass."
I had thought I had changed relatively unnoticed, but now, knowing I had an audience; even if it was just an audience of one I felt a little foolish, like a little kid getting caught doing some really lame. All I could think of saying was, "Oh, so what!" Brilliant comeback! That'll really make him think! Damn it, sometimes I can be such an ass.
That just made Braden laugh even harder, and when I thought about it a little more, I guess it was kind of funny. I sat on the edge of the bed next to him and laughed right along with him.
As we returned to earth, we began the arduous process of getting to be friends. Talking all about the schools we went to and the new ones we were going to be starting in this year. We were both glad to finally get to go to high school.
We talked about our best subjects in school and the worse ones too. We covered the sports we liked, we both enjoyed running and biking, but Braden was into soccer and I was on the swim team and the boxing team. We had both seen the same movies in the last year or so and we had basically the same tastes in music; both liking rock and hating most hip-hop and everything country.
Being teens, we totally agreed that we had a moral obligation to subsist on the three basic food groups, cheeseburgers, pizza and macaroni and cheese from a box and hate anything that was even remotely good for us. I was a Reese's Cup man and he liked Butterfingers. I was a Pepsi drinker and he was heavily into Mountain Dew. Of course, chocolate milk shakes hands down, held a place of honor in our junk food hall of fame.
It was well past midnight and as we talked and laughed I could see that we were hitting it off just great. We were disappointed but didn't argue when Braden's Dad called up to us saying it was time for us to quiet down and go to bed.
Bed! That's when it hit me! There was only one bed in the room! Granted, it was a king-sized bed but there was still only one! I had never, ever, shared a bed with someone else in my entire life.
Braden began to strip down to his underwear and just threw the dirty clothes in the corner. So much for the fastidious boy. He then pulled down the bedspread and turned down the covers asking, "If it's nice tomorrow, wanna go to the cove and go swimming?"
Once again, I did my best-choreographed attempt at getting undressed without losing too much of my dignity. All in one fluid motion I pulled off the sweat pants, sat on the edge of the bed then slipped under the covers, and I did all this without a single mishap. As I pulled the covers up to my chin I answered, "Sure, if the rents ok it." Then I added, "That sounds like fun."
As we settled in for a good nights sleep Braden reached for the remote and turned down the music, switched off the light and rolled over facing me. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could catch a glimpse of him watching me again. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep and in a few minutes felt him sliding a little closer to me.
I wondered what he was doing; then, I opened one eye, just a little and saw him still looking at me. I thought to myself that maybe he wasn't used to having another person in his bed also, so I just rolled over and closed my eyes again....
Morning at the Riley house apparently came pretty early, and Braden's Dad was pounding on the door saying, "Come on you guys, Grandma has breakfast almost ready." Then he added quietly, "And you know how she gets if you let it get cold Braden."
Braden answered, through a haze of sleepiness, "Ok Dad, we'll be right down." And he pulled off the covers and rolled out of bed.
I noticed Braden was sporting a mean piece of morning wood and was kind of embarrassed when I realized I was too. Again, when he thought I wasn't looking I caught him sneaking a good peek. I was a little embarrassed but I did my best to hide it by just ignoring his curiosity and quickly slipping back into the sweat pants he had given me the night before.
Braden however seemed to like the idea of parading around with a hard on. He went to the dresser and took out a clean pair of boxers and without any apparent second thought, stripped naked and after stretching for a few seconds pulled the clean pair on.
This little show kind of made me think about if whether or not Braden was trying to prove something, and if he was, just exactly what? Was it just that he was a little more comfortable with his body than I was? Or was it a show put on just for me?
What made me really think was why I noticed he had a boner at all?
As we headed downstairs we stopped and took turns in the bathroom, we both needed to go pee and we washed our hands and faces.
Mrs. Riley had to have been busy in the kitchen for at least an hour to be able to prepare the breakfast she had spread out on the table. There was bacon and sausages, eggs and French toast with real Vermont maple syrup and real homemade home fries, not the little hockey pucks you get at Burger Swill. The table was set for three so Braden and I joined his father while Mrs. Riley flew around the kitchen making sure all her men got plenty to eat.
I smiled at the nice lady and asked, "Aren't you going to have any breakfast Ma'am?"
Mrs. Riley patted my cheek just like my Grandmother used to do and said, "Now don't you worry about me dear, I've already had mine." I smiled and decided right then that I was going to like Braden's Grandmother.
Mr. Riley said around a piece of sausage, "I called your parents already Patrick, they said you were to stop by and see them after breakfast."
Braden looked kind of disappointed when he asked, "Do you think we can still go to the cove to go swimming later?"
"Sure. Why not?" I smiled, and then I popped a sausage into my mouth and then asked, "Why don't you come along with me? I want you to meet my parents."
Braden smiled at that and answered, "Sure!" And then as he went back to scarfing down his breakfast, he asked, "Gram, is it all right if I go with Patrick?"
Mrs. Riley turned from the stove, saying, "Of course dear." Then she playfully swatted her kitchen towel toward him as she scolded, "Braden, what did I tell you about eating too fast?"
All he did was smile as he slid another sausage into his mouth, but he did slow down a bit anyway.
I was getting full and by the looks of the others they were too. Mr. Riley slowed down to just sipping his coffee and as his mother refilled his cup she took his plate and immediately washed it, dried it and put it away just like she had done thousands of times before.
Braden and I finished about the same time and I scraped off my plate and brought it to the sink. Braden looked at me like I had suddenly grown three new heads and the old one was on fire and said in a half joking tone, "You are not going to get any points around here for doing that."
Mrs. Riley turned half way from the sink and answered, "Now don't you be so sure about that young man." As she smiled and took my plate, saying to me, but directed to the other two in the room, "Why thank you dear. It would do a couple of people good to learn some manners from our fine guest."
Braden and his Dad both looked at each other in mock indignation and argued, "What's wrong with our manners?"
"Thank you Ma'am." I looked at the older lady and gave her a wide grin.
"Now Braden you can bring me your plate and since you're done with your breakfast, why don't you walk Patrick home before he gets into trouble?" She instructed.
"Ok, Grandma." Braden smiled his best false smile at his Grandma, and stuck his tongue out at me when he thought she wasn't looking as he reluctantly brought his plate to the sink.
As if she had eyes in the back of her head, Mrs. Riley said, "Now stop that Braden."
She tried to swat him again with her dish towel and as he ducked out of the way just in time he laughed, saying, "Yes Gram."
"Now run along and keep out of trouble." And to me she added, "Patrick, it was nice meeting you. You're welcome here anytime."
"Thank you Ma'am. And thanks again for rescuing me last night." I said with a big smile. Mrs. Riley placed her hand on my cheek and smiled sweetly but didn't say a word. She didn't need to.
As Braden and I went out the back door of the kitchen, leading through to the laundry room then out to the back yard. I looked out to the horizon from the back yard of the huge old house, which sat on a high bluff overlooking the ocean. Across the back yard the fence opened to a long set of stairs built into the hillside which led to the beach about one hundred feet below. Every so often there was a small landing with a bench to look out at either the beautiful sheltered cove or the ocean beyond.
The cove was indeed beautiful; it was a sheltered inlet with a crescent shaped beach about one half mile long at the southernmost end and the steep bluff rose sharply on either side. The blue water was accented with several small sailboats tied to mooring buoys in the middle of the cove. Dinghies traveled back and forth as people went to check for any storm damage on their boats or to prepare for a weekend sail.
We walked around to the other side of the house and headed for the sand track that led back to the remote little cottage. The storm had run its course and it was a beautiful morning. You know, the kind of morning with a little breeze and warm sun and that clean smell that only happens after a good rain. The kind of morning that just begged for a couple of boys to forget about everything and just laze around down on the beach. Which is exactly what we had planned to be doing. First though, I had to check in at home and get my swimming trunks and a towel.
It didn't take too long before we were turning into the drive of our cottage. My Dad was about to climb into the car just as we got there and he stopped and said, "Hello Pat, did you have a good night?" Then he added, "You must be Braden? Hello, I'm Andy Hall."
"Pleased to meet you sir," Braden replied.
"Same here, I'm sorry but I really have to run, I'm meeting your father in town on business and I'm running late," Dad apologized. Then, as he was getting into the car he added, "We'll see you later at the bar-b-q." Then to me he said, "Pat, your mother is in the kitchen. Be sure you see her before you go running off."
"Yes, Dad," I answered. My Dad was pretty cool as far as Dads go I guess. I could talk to him about just about anything and he always tried to give me the best answer he could. As my Dad backed out of the driveway and headed down the lane, Braden and I went into the house to find my mom.
Just like Dad said, my mom was busy in the tiny kitchen making all sorts of salads for the bar-b-q later this evening. We walked in and I went right to the fridge and got Braden and myself a Pepsi, saying, "Sorry dude, there isn't any Mountain Dew." Then I asked my mom, "When did they get the lights back on?"
Mom didn't look away from the onion she was chopping and said, "Hello dear. The truck was leaving just as we got in last night. Did you have a nice night? I'm sorry we got home so late but the roads were a mess."
"That's ok mom, Mr. Riley came by and rescued me," I said giving her a little kiss on the cheek. "Oh, mom this is Braden Riley, Braden this is my mom."
She finished chopping her onion and wiped her hands with a towel then turned to Braden saying, "Oh my, how you do look like your father. Hello Braden, it's nice to meet you."
"Thank you Ma'am, it's nice to meet you too. Did you know my Dad when he was a kid too?" Braden queried.
Mom kind of stared off into space as if she was actually looking at her past. "Well, let me see; my family started coming to the cove when I was a freshman in high school, so I would have been about fourteen or fifteen when I first met your Dad."
"That's when you met Dad too, isn't it?" I asked.
"Yes, it sure was," Mom said with a huge smile, and then she added, "Have you boys had your breakfast?"
I let out a grunt, adding, "And did we ever! Braden's Grandmother fixed us a killer breakfast, I'm stuffed." I said as I pulled a bag of cookies from the cupboard and tore it open, offering some to Braden.
"Yes, I can see that," She said with a wry smile.
"Mom, I told you cookies aren't food," I replied as I chucked another cookie into my mouth.
"Please Pat; don't talk with your mouth full." That was my mom, all the way. She constantly worked at making sure I used all my manners, cleaned my room, and brought my dishes to the sink after meals. I guess that was what mothers were for, and I loved her for it.
"Sorry mom. Is it all right if I go to the beach with Braden?" then quickly added, "Please."
"I don't see why not," Mom answered as she was draining the water out of something she was cooking.
"Thanks, where is my bathing suit?"
"It's in the small suitcase dear; I haven't had the chance to unpack your things yet."
I went to the tiny room I was stuck with and put the suitcase on the bed. Once opened, I rummaged around until I found my swimwear. But not before I totally unfolded everything else in the bag. I kicked off my trainers and went to the bathroom to change, saying to Braden, "I'll be right back." For some reason I still wasn't too comfortable with being naked in front of Braden.
"Um, ok," was all he said.
It didn't take me long to change and with a quick stop in the kitchen to mooch five dollars from my mom for a snack later; we were off to the beach. But first we needed to stop along the way so Braden could get his swimsuit and a towel.
As we walked around the corner of the big old house we saw that Braden's Grandmother was busily sweeping off the front porch. She looked up and smiled at us as we came to the top of the stairs.
Braden asked, "Grandma? Is it all right if I go to the beach for a while with Patrick, Please?"
Without ever missing a stroke with her broom she answered, "I don't see why not dear. As long as you don't cause any mischief, that is."
"What? When do I ever get into any mischief?" Braden asked donning the innocent face of an angel.
"Heh, when don't you is more like it," she quipped.
"Ha, ha, ha...Very funny," Braden laughed.
This was all well and good, but it wasn't getting us to the beach. I said to Braden, "I'll wait here while you go up and change."
"Oh, well, ok," was all Braden said as he ran into the house.
I got the impression that he was a little disappointed that I didn't go along to his room with him. I was having a hard time trying to figure Braden out sometimes. The way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking back kind of gave me the willies, but there was something different about him, something that drew me to him.
Mrs. Riley was saying something to me, but I was lost to my own thoughts. She stopped sweeping for a moment and touched my arm, I guess to be sure she had my attention, and asked, "Is everything all right Patrick?"
I came back from my daydream and answered, "Oh, Yes Ma'am. Everything's ok." I smiled and thought about asking about Braden but I wasn't sure what to ask.
She gave me a big smile and then resumed sweeping the porch, saying, "You Know your father used to wait right there where you are standing now for Thomas when he was about your age."
That thought made me wonder about what my Dad was like when he was a kid. I sat down on the top step and asked, "Did my Dad come here a lot?
Mrs. Riley sat down next to me and rested her broom between us as she said, "Oh my yes. Andy and Tom were the best of friends, and your Dad would come here sometimes for weeks at a time in the summer." Mrs. Riley seemed to glow, letting her memories take hold of her and she went on, saying, "They would go down to the beach from practically dawn till dusk." She paused as if to gather her thoughts and added, "There was one summer; I think they were both fifteen, that they bought this old sail boat and spent most of the summer fixing it up."
Braden returned to the porch and broke in, saying, "Grandma, are you telling those old stories again?"
She took a playful swat at Braden's butt with her broom and chided, "Never you mind young man." Then smiled as she turned to me, adding, "You and I will have a good long talk about your Dad one of these days Patrick."
"Thanks Ma'am, I think I'd like that," I smiled, and all of a sudden felt like a small empty place in my heart was just refilled. It had been a long time since I had even thought about my own grandparents. I didn't realize until that moment how much I missed them.
"Good, then you two run along and have fun; I've got work to do."
I stood up off the step and dusted off my butt as I said, "Come on Braden." We both jumped off the porch and in one leap we were on the lawn. We said our goodbyes as we ran off, around the house and to the head of the stairway leading down to the cove far below.
There were several dozen people on the beach already, a few families and four or five groups of kids about our age, some all boys, and some all girls. They weren't together but they sure seemed to be mixing. As Braden looked over the scene I noticed his eyes lock on one group of four boys. His expression grew hard and his pace slowed so I asked, "Dude, is there something wrong?"
Braden snapped back to the here and now and stammered, "N..n..n.. No, nothings wrong."
I knew from the way he answered that there definitely was something bothering him, but he didn't seem to want to tell me about it so I just let it drop. Or at least I wanted to let it drop, but one of the four guys down on the beach spotted us and soon had the other three all worked up.
If I was going to get into a scrape I figured I should at least know what it was all about. I stopped Braden and asked, as I pointed to the group, "Look man, I know you don't think anything's wrong but I'm not so sure about those guys?"
Braden looked back to the four boys as they walked toward the bottom of the stairway. I thought I heard him say, 'Oh Fuck!!!' from under his breath, but I wasn't sure.
"Braden, what the hell is going on!?" I demanded. And this time I stopped and waited for an answer.
"Something happened with one of those guys." Braden seemed to be assembling his thoughts, and then added, "I just don't want to talk about it, all right!"
"Well man, whether you want to talk about it or not, I'm pretty sure they do." And I pointed to the small group now gathered at the bottom of the stairs.
It looked like most of them were undecided about what to do next. Should they start up the stairs or not. One member of the group, not the biggest of the bunch either, was already to the top of the first landing. As he looked back to see his friends still waiting on the sand below he too looked unsure about what he was going to do next.
Then, after a short while the other three began catcalling to the boy on the stairs things like, "Go ahead, don't be a pussy."
This went on until the lone boy yelled back, "Yeah I'll go! You just watch me!!!" And as he gathered his courage to climb even higher Braden seemed to brace himself.
I knew there had to be some sort of bad blood between Braden and at least one of these kids; I just wish I knew what it was all about.
Once we were close enough for the kid to talk without hollering at the top of his lungs he advised Braden, "You don't want to hang around here anymore Brad." The boy turned to see his friends straining to hear what was being said, then he continued, "You just don't!"
"Look Billy, just leave me alone! You started all this! You just had to open your big mouth!" Braden said through clenched teeth.
"No Brad, you started all this! You're the one that made the move." Billy reminded my new friend then added, "So don't try and put it all on me." Then, Billy took particular notice in me, saying to both of us I think, "Who's this, your new friend?" He put a particularly nasty tone to that last remark.
Braden looked to me as if I was the last thread left on his rope. All I could think of saying was "Braden, what is all this about dude?"
Before Braden could get a word in edgewise, Billy cut in saying, "You must know, aren't you a queer too?" He took a few steps back down the steps then added, pointing to Braden, "You're with him so you must be!"
"What the fuck did you say!?" I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I wanted to stomp the crud out of the little bastard but he was already more than half the way down the stairs.
"You heard me! You fucking bunch of fags!" Billy hollered as he ran back to his friends and the safety of the group on the beach. As they were leaving, they were cat calling all sorts of names and giving us the finger and several other hand gestures, some of which I had never even seen.
Braden was a mess. He just crumpled down onto the steps in a heap and had his head on his knees and was shaking all over. I tried to talk to him but I didn't know what to say. I sat down next to him on the steps and after a couple of minutes Braden looked up to me and with tears rolling down his cheeks, said, "Patrick, I know what you're thinking." He tried to take a deep breath and continued, "I'm sorry I got you into all this."
"Well I'm not thinking anything, and got me into what???" I asked, trying to calm Braden down a bit.
"You heard what Billy said!" He wiped his eyes and continued, "You heard what he called me!"
I was trying not to get angry but it wasn't easy. I turned and said perhaps a little more sharply than I had intended, "Yeah, I heard what he called 'us'. I heard everything. Now, would you please talk to me!? It would help if I knew what the hell was going on!"
Braden looked at me and wiped his nose on the corner of his towel. He took a deep breath and said, "Two weeks ago Billy spent the weekend and, well, err... ummm..." He seemed to choke on the words.
I was getting a little impatient and asked again, "Well, Billy slept over and then what happened?"
Braden looked like he was going to puke. Then he blurted out, "I don't know why I did it, I was just fooling around, just playing." And he fell into a fit of crying.
I shook Braden and tried to calm him a bit, but I still had to ask, "All right, you were fooling around. Fooling around how, what happened?" All at once I seemed to put a mental image together. I remembered the way he was looking at me in the parlor, then in his room while I was getting undressed, and after that when we were in his bed. What the hell happened when I fell asleep?
"I... well... I... I was just messing around..." And he started in crying again.
As if I was suddenly hit with a bolt of intelligence, I put it all together. I had to ask though, "Are you telling me you were screwing around with him?"
Braden didn't answer that question. He didn't have to. From the look on his face I knew I was right.
Now I knew why he looked at me the way he did. I kind of knew about being gay and what it meant. These days all the kids knew what it meant. I remembered a couple of years ago, down by the railroad tracks, seeing some older guys doing stuff when I was walking home from fishing.
I didn't get pissed off at Braden. When I thought about it, I didn't think it was a thing to get pissed off about. After I saw those guys in the woods by the tracks I remembered wondering about what it was like. I do know that it did get me all worked up and that was the first time I had ever jacked off for real. But when you are thirteen, anything to do with sex would get a kid all worked up, so I didn't really think any more about it.
I sat on the step next to Braden and asked, slowly, "Braden, are you gay?"
He turned to me and the look he gave me shot daggers and he choked out, "NO!!!" Then he burst into tears again, adding softly, "I don't know. I guess that maybe I think, I guess I am."
All of a sudden I felt a cold spot in the pit of my stomach. This was it for me. I knew I had to make a decision! Either I would get up and walk away, or I would stay and take all the shit that would come with having a gay kid as a friend. One that has a big mouthed not gay ex-friend.
Part of me wanted to run hard and fast without looking back, but I liked Braden, he was a cool enough kid when he had his hormones under control. I had never really given a lot of thought about it, being gay I mean, I never had any reason to. If Braden was gay, it couldn't be his fault. Who, in their right mind would choose to be gay or not gay as far as that goes? Hell, I might even be gay.
No, let's not even go there.
Well, it didn't matter. I couldn't let something like this rule my thinking. My mom and Dad always taught me that prejudices come from ignorance. Now I knew what they were talking about. I knew I wasn't stupid, and as I thought this whole thing out I knew the right thing to do.
Braden flinched as I put my hand on his shoulder and softly said, "No Braden, it's ok. It doesn't matter one bit to me if you're gay or not."
Now that I had actually said it out loud, way deep down, I knew I truly believed it. It really didn't matter if my new friend was gay.
"What do you mean? Of course it matters." Braden managed to say through the tears.
"Well, yeah, I know, of course it matters. What I'm saying is that it doesn't matter to me dude." I assured as I slid one arm over his shoulder to give him a reassuring hug.
Braden looked at me and through the last of what seemed like gallons of tears, he smiled weakly and said, "Thanks Patrick. That means a lot to me."
"Come on man, let's go home. I really didn't want to go to the beach anyhow." I lied.
Braden tried again to crack a smile as we got up and slowly walked back up the stairs. When we got to the top we couldn't see anyone around so we made our way to the back door. Braden was still a mess, and he needed to clean up before we started getting asked a zillion questions, so I asked, "How can we get up to your room without being noticed?"
"We can go up the back stairway. They creak a lot though." Braden informed me.
"Well, I guess they'll have to do. If we sneak up the stairs, the chances are we won't run into anyone." I surmised.
"No. No one really uses those stairs much." Braden informed me, and then added, "I think we should be ok. But let's take our time and be sure you don't step on the steps that I skip over."
This sounded like a good plan to me, I nodded, and then said, "All right, I will. I'll go in first and make sure the coast is clear."
"Ok, go." Braden urged.
I slowly opened the screen door so I wouldn't make any noise but as these things go the hinges creaked like a coffin lid. For some reason we both broke into a fit of the giggles over this and all of a sudden it all seemed like a game. I crept up the stairs leading into the service porch and peeked into the kitchen, which thankfully was unoccupied at the moment.
I gave Braden the signal to follow me. As he caught up to me he motioned to one of two doors across the kitchen. I followed his lead and once inside the stairwell I felt a bit more at ease. We slowly climbed the stairs and I avoided the steps Braden pointed out because he said they creaked the loudest.
Once we made it to the first landing he listened at the door that led to the second floor hall. Nothing. Then, as Braden started up the winding stairwell leading to the third floor, there was a noise, the sound of a door opening, and we froze dead in our tracks. Up above us, there was a small clatter, and then we heard the door at the top of the stairs close again. After a few seconds we heard the whine of a vacuum cleaner motor. Braden stopped and said, "Wait, my Grandma is cleaning my room. She'll be done in a few minutes, she always vacuums last."
"All right, we can wait right here I guess." I guessed.
"Yeah, it's as good a place as any." Braden looked around as he agreed.
We weren't sitting on the steps five minutes when we heard the vacuum cleaner come to a stop. After about another minute the door at the top of the stairs opened and then closed again.
Then our worse fears became a reality! We heard Braden's Grandmother singing quietly as she started down the stairs!
I tried to think of something quick and asked Braden in a hushed voice, "I thought you said no one ever uses these stairs!"
"No! I said they don't use them very much!" Braden hissed back through his teeth.
"Damn it! Let's get out of here!" And we started back down the stairs as quietly as we could.
"Who's down there? Braden? Is that you?" Well so much for a hasty, unnoticed retreat.
Braden looked at me and just shrugged his shoulders, then declared, "Yes Grandma, It's us."
"I thought you boys were going to the beach?"
"We were. But it was a little too windy." Braden lied. It was a pretty lame answer, but we didn't have a whole lot of time to think of anything any better.
As we got back down to the kitchen we sat down at the table and waited for Braden's Grandmother to catch up with us.
"Phew, those stairs are going to be the death of me." Braden's Grandmother declared in a huff. She sized us up and without batting an eyelash, asked, "What have you two gotten yourselves into?" And she just stood there folded her arms and waited for an answer.
I looked to Braden and he looked to me, both expecting the other to answer her question. When neither of us said anything Braden's Grandmother said absently, "All right, have it your own way! If you two don't think I am worth talking to when something is wrong, then fine."
"We just changed our minds. We didn't do anything wrong." Braden said with a false smile on his face, and then added, "Honest, Gram."
"Well, all right, have it your own way." Mrs. Riley looked at Braden like she could see right through him. She went to where he was sitting and put her hands on his shoulders, kissed the top of his head and softly added, "You know boy, I don't bite. If you have a problem I'll help you as best I can. That's a Grandma's job you know."
Braden turned a bit and answered, "I know Gram, I just don't want to talk about it right now. Ok?"
"All right, when you're ready then." She smiled and walked over to the counter and pulled a knife from the drawer and two small plates from the cupboard. Then she cut each of us a big slice of pie. "You two look hungry. Here." Next, she got two glasses and a half gallon of milk and set them between us.
Braden and I made quick work of the pie and we made a fair dent in the half-gallon of milk. As we carried our plates to the sink I thanked Mrs. Riley for the snack. We went to the stairwell but this time rather than skulking around we thundered all the way to the top, listening to Braden's Grandma telling us, half laughing not to make a mess, and to stop running in the house.
Once we got to the top I said I had to use the bathroom and turned in there while Braden went on to his room. I quickly did my thing then rejoined Braden.
When I opened the door I was surprised to find him already changed into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. He went to his drawers and got me a pair of boxers and a pair of jeans with a matching tee shirt to change into. I stood there just holding the clothes for a second when Braden said, "Patrick, you can change in the bathroom if you want," as he sat on the edge of the bed.
I thought about going into the bathroom, but I decided for some reason to just do it right here. I pealed off the swim trunks and slipped on the boxers and sat next to Braden as I pulled on the blue jeans. I knew he was looking at me, but now for some reason, it didn't seem to bother me as much.
Maybe it was the newness of our friendship beginning to wear off; maybe I was just getting used to Braden. Or was it because I now knew why he was looking. I had a lot of friends at home and all of a sudden I wondered how many of them looked at me that same way. I tried to remember the times before and after gym class, or in the locker room at the "Y" after a workout.
I turned and looked at Braden and just like before, he averted his eyes, I guess old habits die-hard. I smiled and asked, "How did you first know you felt like this, the gay thing I mean?"
Braden looked shocked, he stammered, "W... Wha... what do you mean?"
"What I mean is, you know, when did you start looking at boys?" I asked.
Braden looked embarrassed but thoughtfully answered, "Oh, I don't know, I think it was about the time I started going to school."
"How could you know?" I wondered, and then added, "I mean that's kind of young to be thinking about sex stuff."
"I didn't really think about that at all," Braden mussed.
"Uh huh." Was all I could say.
He got quiet for a second then concluded, "I can't put it into words, I just knew, deep inside that I liked boys."
"No shit! And you never did anything until this ass hole Billy?"
Braden seemed to be thinking about his answer, or he was gathering his courage, it was really hard to tell which. He took a deep breath and admitted, "I fooled around on some camping trips when I was in the scouts for about a year. That was before my Dad and I moved here to be with my Grandma."
"Is that why you moved here?" I thought about that question after I had asked it and thought I had overstepped my bounds a bit.
Braden looked kind of shocked at this question and asked a question of his own, "You mean you don't know?"
"Know what?" I wondered.
"I thought you knew" Braden said distantly, then added, "We moved here a few months after my mom passed away."
"Dude, I'm sorry. I really didn't know," I declared. I was so embarrassed.
"It's all right Patrick, my mom was very sick and well, you know..." Braden said quietly.
I could tell that this was painful for him to think about and I kind of mad at my parents for not telling me about it. "Braden, we don't have to talk about this if it bothers you." I didn't want to hurt his feelings any more than I already had. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a parent, so I changed the subject, asking, "Braden, dude, what happened between you and Billy?"
Braden turned as red as a beet and began looking everywhere but directly at me. Then, all at once he took a deep breath and shifted his eyes to look directly into mine as he said, "Well, err... umm... we, err...well we... umm I just kind of jerked him off and stuff."
"Is that all!?" I gasped, and then added, "All this crap was about a fucking hand job?"
"Well not exactly... I didn't exactly ask him first." He admitted. "I thought he wanted me to do it."
"Whoa... Yeah, I guess that would piss him off." I agreed, and then I probed further, asking, "And what other 'stuff' did you do?"
Braden evaded that question, and then he got kind of serious all of a sudden as he asked, "Do you ever jack off?"
I could tell he was trying to change the subject this time. I thought about what to say for a few seconds then admitted, "Well, umm... yeah, I mean sure, every guy does."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Braden said as he switched on his stereo.
"It feels too good not to," I grinned.
I got up and moved to the chair next to Braden's CD rack so I could check out his music collection. As I did, Braden leaned back on his elbows and I noticed there was a bulge in his pants. I looked away and thought I had better change the subject quickly. I picked out a CD and handed it to him saying, "Dude, you have a lot of music."
Braden smiled, happily saying, "Yup." As he eyed the stack of about two hundred CD's, then he added, "I like listening to music a lot."
We spent the remainder of the morning and a good part of the afternoon talking about music, our favorite bands and songs. Once or twice I caught Braden watching me out of the corner of his eye. I don't think he even knew he was doing it and I didn't really give it a second thought. One thing I knew for sure was that we were becoming really good friends.
About two thirty there was a knock on the door and Braden's Dad came into the bedroom, and said, "We need to get ready for the bar-b-q, what do you boys say to giving me a hand?"
We looked at each other and applauded him and as loudly as we could, then we laughed.
"Very funny, Ha Ha Ha." Braden's Dad mockingly laughed also in that 'let's go there's work to be done' tone. Braden switched off the stereo and we went down with his Dad to help set up the back yard.
Down in the kitchen Braden's Grandmother was fixing all sorts of things for the party. As Braden and I walked past he picked an olive and threw it into his mouth she scolded him, saying, "Keep your mitts out of the food, you'll have yours right along with everybody else later." Then she kissed him sweetly on the forehead and handed each of us a nice fresh baked cookie as we followed Braden's Dad out to the back yard.
Once outside Braden volunteered us to set out the lawn furniture and led me to a large shed in the corner of the yard over by the garage. Inside the shed we found an assortment of lawn tables and matching chairs. Braden picked up two chairs and handed them to me as he grabbed a pair for himself. With a grunt he explained, "My Grandmother keeps all this stuff in here because of all the storms we get. I get to haul it all out whenever they're about to have guests."
"Wow, dude, it must be a real pain in the ass, pulling this shit out all the time." I sympathized.
Braden answered, "Yeah, it really is, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I really don't mind doing all the work too much and it would be a lot more of a pain to clean it all up after a storm."
"Well, I guess you're right. Your Grandmother is pretty cool, all things considered." I commented as I watched the lady carrying a bowl of something yummy looking across the yard.
"Yeah, she really is. I kind of feel bad about lying to her this morning." Braden confessed.
"You didn't exactly lie to her. You just didn't tell her anything, and that isn't lying." I corrected him.
We spent what seemed like the next forty-five minutes hauling out all the garden trappings needed for an evening bar-b-q. When we finally finished, Braden's Grandmother came out with glasses and a big pitcher of lemonade for us all. We sat down and enjoyed the warm summer breeze off the ocean and the late afternoon sun.
Just as we finished the last of our lemonade we heard a car pull into the drive and Braden's Dad stood up and said, "That must be your parents Patrick." As he looked at his watch he added, "Just in time too."
I got up and began walking towards the car to see if they needed any help and called back to Braden, "Come on n' help."
Braden jogged up to meet me as I rounded the house to where the rents were unloading. I asked my mom as she pulled tray after tray from the back of the Volvo. "Man, do you think there will be enough food?"
She just looked at me lovingly and smiled in that motherly way of hers, as if to say, 'shut up and carry something' then said, "Hello Braden." as she piled a huge platter in each of my hands and then passed a heavy tray to Braden.
My Dad managed a quiet retreat and was already over with Mr. Riley who was fiddling with a huge gas grill.
We trundled our load over to the long picnic table set up for the food near the grill and then we headed back to the car for more. Once back at the car I asked, "Is there going to be more people coming? It seems like an awful lot of food for just us."
"Well, your father and Tom ran into some of their old friends while they were in town and they'll be coming with their families too." Mom said as she loaded us up again.
As we carried our next load to the table Braden stopped me and asked, "I wonder who else they invited?"
"Beats me. I don't know anyone around here other than you." I said sarcastically.
"Yeah, I guess so. I don't know an awful lot of people either. We've only been here about three months." Then he became quiet as he added, "The only people my age that I know are the guys from the beach."
"Oh, yeah. Well, there isn't anything we can do about it now so let's just get this stuff done." I huffed as I continued carrying my load to the table.
Braden stood there for a second lost in that thought, and then he sprang to life with the revelation that just possibly, some of the other guests just might include the guys from the beach. As he caught up to me he whispered excitedly, "What the hell are we going to do if some of those guys DO show up here?!"
"Dude" I stopped and faced Braden so the grownups wouldn't hear us, "Calm down!" Then I continued, "If any of them do show up, well, they will be with their parents. They won't start any shit with them around." Then I nodded to the tray he was still holding and turned to the table and waited for Braden's Grandmother to make enough room for more platters.
As I handed her my load of plates, she asked, "Could you boys get another folding table from the shed? I don't think there will be enough room here on this table."
We both nodded and headed to the shed to dig out another table. As Braden and I dragged it toward the door we were interrupted by the sound of a car horn and watched as a Range Rover swung into the driveway. Both Braden's Dad and mine stopped messing with the grill and made tracks for the new arrivals.
All Braden said was, "Fuck!!! It's fucking Billy and his brother!!! We're freaking dead!!!" We watched Billy climb out of the SUV and scan the back yard as if he was looking for something or more to the point, someone. Soon Billy's older brother joined him and they began talking in hushed tones. As Braden watched I could see the sweat beading on his forehead. He turned to me and I could see the terror in his eyes, I could hear it in his voice as he said, "What the fuck are we going to do?"
Braden looked like he was going to break down and cry. I didn't know what the hell to do but I had to try and think of something quick. I got right in Braden's face and yelled, if you can yell while whispering, "For Christ's sake, there is not a single thing we can do about it now!!!"
"But..."
"But? But shit!!!" I held Braden by his shoulders and shook him hard and yelled again, "Look man, we have to go out there!!! There is no other way!!! We have to!!! Now get your shit together and let's go!!!"
"But..."
"Look! I will be right there with you." I tried to say calmly, and then added, "If anything happens, I'll back you up." Then I thought to myself, 'what the fuck could I do if something really does happen?'
I picked up my end of the table and waited for Braden to lift his also so we could deliver it to his Grandmother before she sent out a search party after us. As we slowly moved through the door of the shed I said in one final attempt to calm Braden down, "Just ignore them, and act like there is nothing wrong. Ok?"
Braden nodded and turned his head just enough so he seemed to be paying more attention to the table than the two brothers that just now spotted us.
As we hauled the heavy table across the lawn I noticed the party beginning to form its little groups. The men were gathered around the bar-b-q grill debating the finer points of grilling steaks. You know the best temperature, how many times to turn them whether to put the salt on first or wait till after the pepper. The ladies were arranged in a circle around the table jostling plates back and forth trying to make everything fit. They were all talking so fast that it was almost impossible to make anything out. When Billy's mom spotted us she announced, "Oh good. Here comes another table." Then to us, she asked, "Put it right here boys, would you please?"
Billy's mom was waiting with a tablecloth as we turned out the legs of the table, locked them into position, and stood it upright. She seemed a nice enough lady and smiled as I asked if she would like help to spread the cloth in the light, early evening breeze. Once in place, the women wasted no time finding more trays, plates and bowls to cram onto this table as well.
Billy and his brother went straight for the cooler and as they each got themselves a soft drink. As they passed I overheard the older one say, "Nobody gives a rat's ass if you wanted to come here or not." As he popped the can open and drained half of it in one long swallow, he added, "Just stop being a little pain in the ass!"
As his older brother walked over to where we were standing Billy looked toward us with venom in his gaze. I could almost feel Braden's fear as Billy reluctantly trailed behind.
Billy's older brother was a good three inches taller than all of us and I figured he was about seventeen. When he was close he said, "Hi Braden, what's with this douche bag brother of mine? Did you guys have a fight or something?"
Billy made a lewd grunt and rolled his eyes as Braden stammered, "N, n, no, not exactly." Then he quickly tried to change the subject, saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, Danny, this is Patrick. Patrick, this is Danny."
Billy just stood back glaring at us while slowly stewing over his can of soda, not saying a word, but not missing a single word either. Danny on the other hand, was friendly and said, "My Dad said you were from Kansas or somewhere."
"I'm from Omaha, it's in Nebraska ." I informed him.
"Oh, well I was close." He laughed, and then added, "How long are you guys going to be around?"
I thought I had heard Billy mutter something under his breath but I thought I had better ignore it rather than risk starting more shit. I looked blankly at Billy as I answered Danny's question, "About a week I think. My Dad grew up around here and I think he is going through his second childhood or something. But anything is better than spending the whole summer in Omaha ."
"Yeah, I guess." Danny looked toward his sulking brother and said, "What the hell is your problem twat breath?"
Billy just glared at his older sibling and didn't even acknowledge that Braden and I were even on the same planet. He took a drink and slowly turned, directing his attention to the fathers still playing with the grill.
I guess it was just as well that Billy was keeping quiet. Braden just ignored him and I didn't really know Billy at all so I was kind of stuck in the middle. I decided the best thing to do was just to float along with whatever happened and try not to get into any trouble.
Braden said he was thirsty and asked if I wanted a can of Pepsi as well. I nodded and as I stood there making small talk with Danny, I watched Billy glare at Braden the entire time as he walked to the cooler for the drinks. When Braden turned back toward us Billy again feigned his attention on the Dads.
I heard Billy sneer, "Faggot!" under his breath as Braden passed by again carrying the cans of pop. Braden looked totally crushed as he handed one to me. I didn't know what to say. I sure as hell didn't want to make things worse, but I didn't have a clue how to make them any better.
I walked over and sat on the fence rail next to the stairs that led down to the beach, Braden just followed along like a kicked puppy. Danny called to his younger brother and motioned for him to join us as he met Braden and me by the fence. Billy just turned and stalked away without a word; heading toward the food table to see what he could scrounge up to eat.
Danny just shook his head as Billy walked away then shrugged his shoulders and said, "Whatever!" As we sat there making small talk a few more cars arrived loaded with friends of Mr. Riley and my Dad. There was only one other kid with the other people and he headed straight over to where Billy was sulking. I recognized him from the beach earlier this morning and Braden said quietly, "That's Andy, one of Billy's friends."
The smoke from the grill was drifting across the yard and told me that it wouldn't be too much longer before the burgers and dogs would be done. I was totally starving and the smells were making my stomach growl with anticipation of a major pig out. It didn't take too long before Braden's Grandmother called that everything was ready and we should all get our plates ready to eat.
We all made fast tracks to the food table and as we approached, Billy and Andy walked over to the grill to get themselves a burger. If he was trying to be obvious that he was avoiding us, he couldn't be doing a better job of it. Danny introduced me to Andy as we slowly worked our way around the table.
The looks Billy shot our way as he stalked off caught the eye of Braden's Grandmother and as she handed him his plate she asked, "Braden, what is wrong with your friend? Did something happen?"
Braden just looked puzzled and shrugged his shoulders as he took some potato salad and piled it on his plate. As we all made a circle around the table, getting our favorite dishes I heard Billy's mother question Danny, "What is the problem with your brother?"
As Danny put a big pickle on his plate he answered, "I dunno." Then he picked up a big radish, threw in his mouth and crunched it.
"What did I tell you about eating like a pig?" she scolded.
"Sorry mom," he said as he let out a big belch.
"Wait till I get you home young man," Danny's mother said sternly.
Danny laughed and said, "Oh, all right, I'll be good."
"That's better." She smiled as she playfully slapped his shoulder.
The bar-b-q was excellent, all kinds of food, and lots of it. We each got our favorite fixings and a big burger and then headed back over by the fence to chow down. All the adults were going out of their way to catch up on all the things that had been going on in their lives. My Dad volunteered to play bartender and was busy mixing drinks with one hand and eating a hot dog with the other. I could tell that this was going to be a long night.
Braden and I sat on the grass Indian style with our plates balanced on our laps and started filling our faces. As Danny sat down with us, his back to the fence rail, he asked, "Did you guys get to go to the beach today?"
I looked at him, and I tried to read if there was some hidden meaning in his question but his impassive smile told me otherwise, I answered, "Well, we started to, but then something came up."
"That sucks. I wanted to go too but I had to work this afternoon." Danny mumbled around a big bite of his hamburger.
"Yeah, that does suck. Where do you work?" I queried.
"I collect carts and bag groceries at the super market. It's not exactly a career move but it will do for the time being."
I looked down toward the beach and saw several teens gathering driftwood and piling it up for a bonfire. I asked, "What's going on down there tonight?"
"Oh, it's just another party." Danny said, then as he finished his drink he added, "It's Saturday night, and it's summer. There's a party just about every Saturday night around here. The kids figured to have it there tonight because the storms always wash up a lot of driftwood." Danny watched the scene on the beach for a minute then asked, "Maybe we could all go down after feeding time? There's going to be a great bonfire"
I looked to Braden for some sign as to what I should say to this unexpected invitation and he was white as a ghost. All I could think of was to answer, "That would be great!" And then I added, "If my parents say I can go that is."
"Hey cool." Danny smiled as he leaned back against the fence rail and chucked another radish into his mouth.
As is usually the case with teenagers, it took us only a matter of minutes to wolf down our dinner. We took our plates to the table and we each got seconds, another soda and then we headed back to the fence.
I sat on the rail and noticed Billy still glaring at us with a vengeance. He was sitting on the far side of the yard talking closely with Andy. Every so often, one or the other would look over at us and then they would both laugh. I could just imagine what they were cooking up between them.
Braden on the other hand, made a special effort to avoid looking at them. Danny must have noticed because he suddenly became interested in his reclusive brother and his friend, saying playfully, "Hey jerk wad, get over here and join the men."
Billy hadn't said a single word directly to neither Braden nor myself the entire time he was there. Until now...
"You're calling me a jerk wad? You better look who you're with before you go calling me that!" Billy said acidly.
Danny looked to each of us and asked, "What the hell is he talking about?" Then to Billy he asked, "What the hell are you going off like that for?"
"You really want to know!?" Billy stood up and took a few steps toward us then stopped, almost like he was afraid to get any closer.
I cringed and saw Braden visibly shrink as Billy made his grandstand play. Danny just played into his little brothers hands and asked, "That's right you little fuck! I really want to know!"
"Ok, then, I'll tell you!" Billy stood his ground, and then added, "I'll tell you why the fuck I am going off like this for! Do you remember the other night when I was here with Braden to spend the night? Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and Braden here was having a great time giving me a fucking blow job!"
Andy broke out in a fit of giggles when he heard Billy and said, "Dude, I just don't fucking believe it!"
Danny sounded astonished as he asked, "What the hell are you talking about?"
By now Braden was sitting there on the grass with his hands over his face. If he wasn't crying, I was almost positive he was about to.
Billy looked at Braden and pointed at him while he said to Danny, "The fucking faggot was sucking on my dick!!! In my fucking sleep!!!"
Danny looked at Braden, then at me, then back to Braden before he said, "Braden, dude, is this true?"
Now Braden was in tears, and worse than that, his Grandmother spotted him and was now walking this way. I sat on the grass next to him and said, "Braden, cool it! Your Grandmother's coming!"
Braden froze; I didn't think he was even breathing. Billy on the other hand took this as his cue to go into high gear and he said, "What's the matter you cock sucker? Can't take the truth?"
I shot up and got right in Billy's face and said through clenched teeth, "One more word out of you you little ass hole and I'll knock it back down your throat!"
For a second I thought Billy was going to back down, but as Braden's Grandmother came within earshot he said, again, "What the hell is any of this to you anyway!?"
"You made it my business this morning! You're the one that had to go shooting off your mouth!" I informed him.
"What's this all about?" Braden's Grandmother demanded in that singular parental tone that always meant 'answer now or face the consequences'.
Nobody said a word. We just all of a sudden became very interested in everything other than the question that was just posed to us.
"I am waiting for an answer." Braden's Grandmother stood there for a while like a rock, not moving at all. Then she turned and placed a hand on Braden's shoulder and asked, "What is it Braden?"
The kids' code demanded that we all keep quiet. Even Billy understood that you just do not dump something like this about another kid on an adult. Braden on the other hand was caught between disobeying his Grandmother, and bringing everything totally out into the open to the entire family.
Shit! This was a lot to handle, and all in just two days. But, as I sat there next to my new friend I came to realize just how alone he was right then. I wanted to help him, but I just didn't know how.
Braden turned and looked up into the face of his Grandmother and saw only genuine loving concern. He took a deep shuddering breath and said, "It's Ok Grandma. Everything's all right." He lied.
Mrs. Riley wasn't going for it and she asked me, "Patrick, what happened?" Then she turned to her grandson and tried to make some sense out of all this, asking, "Braden, please dear, it will be all right. Whatever it is, I know it can all be worked out."
Braden looked at his Grandmother and while choking back tears, said, "I'm all right, Grandma. I just want to be left alone."
"All right Braden, if that's what you want?" And she then turned to Billy, Andy, Danny and myself and asked, "Boys, come along now. If we all could please give Braden a little breathing room?"
We all walked away, to leave Braden to his thoughts, but mostly because we didn't want to go against his Grandmother. Fortunately, Billy and his friend were smart enough not to argue the point and just walked off. Danny and I headed to the table to see if there were any scraps of leftovers and we each managed to get a little of almost everything.
Billy and Andy however, they just stood across the yard and glared at Braden. It was like they were forming some sort of diabolical scheme. Billy's temper hadn't cooled at all and no doubt Andy was busy adding fuel to the fire.
I was beginning to worry that Billy's dislike for Braden was becoming obvious to the other adults as well. All I could do right then was to follow Danny and hope no one noticed anything.
The fathers were all on the side yard playing around with their golf clubs making plans for a game first thing in the morning. The women on the other hand were all too aware that there was something going on. As Danny rounded the table with his plate his mother cornered him, asking, "What is the problem with your brother?" She turned and looked at Billy while continuing, "He has been in a bad mood ever since I told him to get ready for the bar-b-q."
Danny was obviously caught off guard, stammering, "I, I dunno what his problem is. Ask him." It was a noble effort but not convincing at all. You could see that his mother knew he was lying too, judging from the look she shot at him.
Braden had gotten up and obviously was trying to pull himself together as he walked slowly toward the house. I looked to Mrs. Riley and she nodded, saying, "Go ahead Patrick."
I smiled and said, "Thanks Ma'am," and headed right for the back door. As I entered the kitchen, I found Braden standing over the sink, splashing water on his face. I took a few paper towels off the roll and handed them to him as I asked, "Are you all right?"
"I'm ok; at least I am now that I'm away from that fucking ass hole Billy." Braden said as he tossed the towels into the trash bin.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. He just won't let up!" I looked out the window, and then added, "We are going to have to go back out there you know."
"I know." He sighed, "I just wish that I could get out of it somehow."
"How?" I looked out the window and saw Braden's Grandmother walking toward the door with Billy's mom. "Holy shit! Your Grandmother is coming in, with Billy's mom."
Braden seemed to shrink a little bit more as he said, "What the hell?" he looked out the window and added with a haggard expression, "Now they're ganging up on me! Damn it, that's all I need!"
I couldn't even begin to imagine what Braden would have to deal with from now on. It wasn't just the ridicule from the other kids, all that was only words. What I did worry about was people like Billy, people that just wanted to be hurtful. Was it a way for them to make themselves feel better, or more powerful? Or, was it a way for them to cover up their true feelings, masking how they really felt? Could it be that Billy really liked what Braden did to him and he was just too scared to admit it? I knew first hand what jerking off felt like, and I could only imagine how good a blowjob would feel.
The screen door swung open, and the ladies came in. Braden's Grandmother spoke to Billy's mom, saying, "Its right through there, dear. The second door on the left." Billy's mom smiled as she quickly made her way around the table and hurried off to the bathroom.
As Braden's Grandmother sat down across from us at the table, she folded her hands in front of her, smiled at us and waited. She sat there for a few seconds, giving us the hairy eyeball, and I figured she was expecting one of us to speak. When she finally decided she wasn't about to wait any longer for us to say something on our own, she asked, point blank, "Well now, which one of you is going to tell me what this is all about?"
Braden took a deep shuddering breath and said, "Gram, I can't, I just can't."
"At first, I thought one of the boys might have said something to make you upset about, well, about your mother. Is that what happened, dear?
Braden shook his head and answered, "No ma'am."
"Braden, now please, what could possibly be so bad that you couldn't talk to me about it?" She asked reassuringly.
Braden took another deep breath, and half whispered, "Please, Grandma. I can't. Not now, ok?"
"All right dear. I won't press you for an answer, but remember, I love you and there is nothing you could ever do or say that would change that." She stood up as Billy's mother returned, and as they walked back to rejoin the party, she added, "When you're ready to talk, I'll be here."
"I know Gram." Braden smiled at her as the women went back to the party.
I wondered if her promise that 'nothing would change' would still hold true once she knew Braden was gay. It was kind of funny; the more I thought about him being gay, the less it seemed to bother me. He didn't look gay. But, when I thought about it, what did gay look like? The way I saw it, being gay wasn't about how a person looked, or talked, or dressed; it was about who a person liked, or even loved.
Braden was just a kid, just one of the guys. I knew that I could resign myself to the fact that he was gay. He was my friend, and being gay had nothing to do with it one way or the other. What the other kids thought about me because of that fact was something I had to learn to handle on my own. After all, what the other guys thought about me had nothing to do with who my friends were. I figured that if they wanted to be my friend that's ok. But, if they think I can only be their friend if I am not friends with Braden, then to hell with them.
As the screen door closed behind his Grandmother, I turned to Braden and said, "Well, what are you going to do?"
Braden looked puzzled and asked, "What do you mean?"
."What I mean is what are you going to tell her?" I said flatly. Sometimes it seems like he's in another world
"I can't tell her about this! I don't want to tell anyone what happened!" Braden exclaimed.
"I don't mean you should tell her about what happened with Billy." I shot back.
"Well, what are you talking about then?" Braden actually looked like he had no clue what I was talking about.
"Earth to Braden!" I couldn't believe he didn't know what I was getting at, so I said really, really slowly, "I... mean... telling... her... that... you... like... guys...!"
Braden took this all in, (I could actually smell it processing) and for a second, he even seemed to be pondering what I had just suggested. I realized then that Braden had never considered that he might at some point have to talk to his Dad or his Grandmother about all of this. As Braden took in all this new information, I could see in his eyes that he was beginning to realize the implications of what it really meant to be gay. I could feel his fear build as he realized that he would have to talk to them soon, and it had to be before they found out from someone else.
Braden seemed shaken by this fact. He stood up and said quietly, "I... I don't know. I have to think about it."
This was all new territory to me. Three days ago, the very thought of being gay, or not gay for that matter, had never really entered my head. I fooled around with some of the girls in my class at school, but I had never really done anything with any of the boys. Well, except for that one time while on a camping trip with a friend. We messed around a little, but I just never seemed to give it a lot of thought.
Braden was the first friend I had ever had that actually admitted to fooling around with another boy. Billy said that Braden had sucked on his thing; Braden, on the other hand, only admitted to 'fooling around' with Billy, just whacking him off.
For some unexplained reason, call it morbid curiosity, or maybe it was just a kid's nosiness, I just had to ask again, "Braden, what really happened that night with Billy?"
Braden looked at me sideways, as if he was in the middle of daydreaming and didn't really hear what I just said, and then he asked, "What?!?"
I pressed for an answer, asking point blank, "You know? What really happened between you and Billy?"
Braden became very quiet and for a long time he didn't move a muscle. He just looked at me as if he was summing up what my reaction might be. Taking a deep breath, he sat down at the table next to me, and slowly said, "It was like Billy said, I was sucking on him when he woke up."
"Whoa! What did he do?" I just had to ask.
"Well, he pushed me off, but not until after he had shot off his load," Braden admitted quietly, almost in a whisper. "And then, without saying a single word, he just got dressed and went home," he continued.
"You mean he shot his spooch into your mouth?" I was utterly mortified! I had never heard of such a thing! Braden just sat there totally expressionless. Well, I was in this deep; I might as well go in all the way, so I asked, "Did you swallow it?" Braden still didn't say anything, but he nodded that he did.
"Dude, that is too much!" I said, not really grossed out, but I was kind of curious as to why someone would let a guy shoot into his mouth. I probed further asking, "Did you want him to?"
I almost didn't hear when Braden answered, "Yeah."
"What did it taste like?" I had a feeling that my curiosity was getting the best of me, but for some morbid reason I just had to know.
"Well... It's a little salty, and kind of sweet too," he answered slowly. I could tell Braden seemed to be gauging my reaction to this revelation.
I was covering new turf here. These were things I had never even imagined. Yeah, I knew about jacking off and what cum was. I had even listened to the other guys talking about girls in the locker room at school, but I had never heard about anything like someone actually eating cum before.
I could see that Braden was becoming a little more at ease talking about it when I asked, "Did you ever do it before?"
"Do what before?" Braden's Dad said as he entered the kitchen. We were so tied up in the conversation I nearly jumped out of my skin. Mr. Riley said to me through a chuckle, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, Patrick."
Braden froze. I could tell he was terrified that his father might have been standing there listening for a while. He answered slowly, trying to back out of the conversation, "Oh, nothing Dad. We were just talking."
"Why aren't you outside with the party?"
"I wasn't feeling too well, Dad." Braden said, and then he added, trying to change the subject, "Are you going to play golf in the morning?"
"Yeah, we tee off at seven thirty ." Mr. Riley said as he rounded the table and headed off toward the bathroom.
"Shit!!! That was close." I whispered.
Braden was calming down a bit, and answered, "Yeah, a little too close. Want to go up to my room and listen to some CD's?"
I really wanted to know more about what happened, so I eagerly agreed. We went up the back stairs taking them two at a time all the way to the top. By the time we ran up the forty stairs we were both out of breath and as we ran into Braden's bedroom we both flopped on his bed gasping for air.
Braden rolled over and grabbed the remote to his CD changer and pressed 'play'. Soon the room was filled with music. I sat up on the bed using a pillow against the headboard as a backrest, and once I was comfortable, I asked again, "Well? Did you?"
"Did I what?" Braden looked at me quizzically.
"Did you ever do it before?" I swear his train of thought derails more than anybody I know.
"Yeah. Like I told you before, I fooled around with some of the boys on camping trips. Well, I had sort of a boyfriend there. We did it a lot together, almost every day and on camping trips we would fool around some. Well, until we couldn't stay awake any more that is."
"You really had a boyfriend? I've never even had a girlfriend." I laughed.
Braden laughed too, "I never had one either."
"You know what I mean." I corrected, and then added, "Did you, like, love him?"
"Oh, I don't know about love. But we did screw around a lot." Braden actually looked proud to be telling me of his first romantic conquest.
This was another thing that had never occurred to me, a guy having a boyfriend, but, now that I think about it a little, it kind of made sense. I let my mind wander back to the party out in the yard and said, "I think we had better get back outside before we get into trouble, don't you?"
Braden sighed, "Yeah, I guess so." So we slowly headed for the back yard.
"Are you going to be ok now?" I asked as we descended the stairs.
Braden smiled reassuringly, saying, "Yeah, I feel a lot better now."
Once outside, being growing boys, the first thing we had to do was go straight for the table and see if we could scrounge something to eat. We each got a plate and managed to throw together a quick snack and grabbed a can of soda. Naturally, we caught cold stares from the father figures and my mother as well. I knew I was in for a talking to when I got home, but I figured they would go easy on me seeing that we were on vacation and all.
Billy and his toady Andy were over with the men, who were still having their little pissing contest over who was the best golfer. Danny, however, walked right up to us and asked straight out, like nothing had ever happened, "So, did you guys find out if you could go to the beach party tonight?"
I did a double take on that one and had to ask, "Huh?"
"Duh! Remember? The party down at the beach? Did you guys ask if you could go?" Danny repeated.
We all walked back to our spot over by the fence and sat down on the soft lawn. As we ate our food, I asked, "After everything Billy said, you still want us to go?"
"Sure, why not?" Danny said, and then added off handedly, "Hey, what the hell. Lots of guys fool around like that. Braden isn't the first, and he sure won't be the last."
"Don't you think he's going to cause trouble?" I asked, nodding towards Billy.
Danny scoffed, "No, I told him to back off, or I would kick his little ass."
Braden just sat there taking all this in. Finally, he just had to ask, point blank, "Danny, when Billy first shot off his big mouth, you didn't say a thing. Why not?"
He looked at my new friend and smiled, saying, "Dude, I have to admit, doing him in his sleep was a bit extreme, but I wasn't shocked or anything by it."
"And you don't think the other guys are going to talk about you if you're seen with us." I asked.
"Talk about what?" Danny stated flatly, "There are a lot more gay guys around than you think." And then he smiled coyly.
I was beginning to get the picture Danny was beginning to paint for us. I looked at Braden, who was looking at Danny, and then asked, "Danny, are you telling us that you're gay too?"
"Well, I guess I kinda sorta am. Yeah." He smiled, and then added, "Billy doesn't know, of course. My parents don't either, but I plan to tell them by the end of the summer." Then he asked again, "Now, are you guys going to go and ask if you can come to the beach party tonight or not?"
I looked at Braden, and he slowly nodded 'yes'. I asked him, "Are you sure, dude?"
Braden answered with a mouth full of potato salad, "Yeah, I'm sure."
"Ok, good." I told him. "I'll go ask as soon as I finish this," I said, looking at the quickly emptying plate on my lap.
Braden's mood seemed to have brightened a little bit in the last few minutes. I think it was because he suddenly realized that he wasn't totally alone. Oh, I know I said I would stand by him and all that, and I will too. That isn't the same thing, though, as having a friend that's been there, and knows exactly what you're going through. Hanging out with a friend that's a couple of years older helps to boost a guy's ego a bit too, whether you're gay or not, especially if he's old enough to drive.
Braden finished his snack first, and said, "I'll be right back." He went right to his Grandmother and spoke to her. We both knew what he was asking, and from the smile on his face as he returned, Danny and I knew it was a go for the party, at least for him.
Now it was my turn, and I had to tackle one of the parents, but which one? I thought about it, and I figured my best chance was to ask Mom. I got up, took my plate to the table, and then I went to where the ladies were all gaggled together yapping away. I excused myself, (It's always a good idea to use manners when asking Mom for anything.) and then I asked, "Can I go to the beach tonight? There is a party with a fire and everything." Then I thought it wouldn't hurt to add, "Please?"
At first Mom looked concerned but then Braden's Grandmother said, "The kids do this all the time. He'll be fine."
"Well, I don't know. Are you sure?" My Mom was always so careful. I wish she would just let me grow up a little on my own sometimes, but I knew she meant well and I loved her for it.
I knew the nut was beginning to crack a little, so I added another, "Please, Mom?"
"Well, all right. It is your vacation, too, after all." She caved! I knew she would. "But don't be out too late."
Braden's Grandmother suggested, "Why don't you let him stay here tonight? That way the boys will both be in at the same time and the beach is only at the bottom of the stairs."
"Well, if you don't think it will be too much trouble?" My Mom was too much sometimes.
"Oh my, no, dear, it's no trouble at all. Patrick here is a pleasure to have, and Braden would enjoy the company, I'm sure."
"Alright, as long as you're sure it's no trouble?"
"Thanks, Mom," I said with a smile, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
As I walked back to the guys, I could tell by the wide grins on their faces that they knew my answer before I even got there. "Well, it's all set, and your Grandmother said I can spend the night again."
"Hmmmm... Oh really?" Danny
Now call me dense, call me stupid, but for some reason it just took me a second or two to catch on. I quickly answered, "Dude, it isn't like that at all!"
Braden looked from Danny then to me but he didn't say anything. When I thought about it a little I think I might have hurt his feelings. I didn't think I was gay. Could Braden have been expecting me to want to fool around?
I guess Danny noticed something too because he said, "Sorry, guys... Sometimes I have a big mouth."
Braden smiled and answered, "It's ok man. No harm done."
Danny looked up and said, "Great, let's get going then."
I never thought about being straight let alone what it meant to be gay. Sure I fooled around that one time but that doesn't mean I'm gay. Does it?
"Ok, let's go." Braden agreed, and then asked, "Do we need to bring anything?"
Danny answered, "Well, not really, the other guys will have everything."
I leaned over the fence rail and looked down to the beach where I saw several blankets spread out. There were about three dozen kids down there already. Some were dancing, while others were in the water playing with a Frisbee. On the blankets there were three or four groups of kids just sitting around talking. In the middle of everything was a fire circle ready to be lit when it got dark. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already almost eight o'clock so we said our good byes to the adults and headed down to the party.
Danny went over and tried to get Billy and Andy to come with us, but they would have no part in it. When he caught up with us again, he said, "Well, at least I gave it a shot. He can be such a little twat sometimes."
As we started walking down the long stairway to the beach, I got one last glimpse of Billy, sitting in one of the lounge chairs glaring at us venomously. Andy was busy barking away in his ear and the thought of what they must have been plotting sent a cold chill down my spine. Right then, I decided that for the rest of the night I was going to put that idea as well as Andy and Billy themselves right out of my mind. Tonight I was going to my first real party, without any interfering parents or teachers, and I was going to have some fun.
This was turning out to be a pretty good vacation after all.
There was a soft evening breeze and it was warm, not hot and dusty like it gets back home in Omaha . The stairs passed even more quickly under our feet as we came closer to the bottom. I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination, or if we really were in that much of a hurry to get to the party. Maybe it was the anticipation of being able to relax at last, of finally being able to just get away from all the pressure of this awful day.
As we set foot on the white sandy beach, I could just begin to hear music over the constant breaking of the surf. It was very soft at first, but as we walked toward the kids gathered on the sheltered side of the cove, it gradually became louder. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was coming from where some of the kids were dancing on the beach.
Danny was smiling from ear to ear and Braden looked like a kid let loose in a candy shop. As we walked toward the party, several of the kids recognized Danny and waved a friendly hello. One boy came running out to meet us and went straight to Danny, throwing his arms around him, giving him a big hug.
"I thought you were going to be gone for another two weeks?" Danny said, with his mouth hanging open. He was obviously overjoyed by this unexpected partier. "I've missed you so much." He added with another big hug.
The boy said, "Oh, I was, but it got to be way too boring without you, so I begged to come home." He stepped back, held up his arms with flair, and declared, "And here I am."
Braden and I were just standing there, stuck in the middle of one of those awkward moments when you are not sure what to say or what to do. Danny turned to face us, pulling the new boy with him. They had an arm around each other's back and were both grinning from ear to ear as Danny said, "Braden, Patrick, this is Jared, he and I are well... he is err... um... well, he's my boyfriend." Danny turned and gave Jared a sweet little peck on the cheek.
"Hi," was all Jared said, and then added to Danny, "That was so sweet, you've never called me that before." He gave Danny a peck on his cheek as well, and then added, "At least not in public."
"Cut it out," Danny fussed. "Do you want the other kids to see?"
"Shit, man, I have to tell you before I bust!!! Danny, I did it!!!" Jared said proudly.
"Did what?" Danny asked flatly.
"I told them!!! It was so cool! We were sitting there, eating breakfast about a week ago, and for some reason, I just came out and told them," Jared beamed.
"OMIGOD!!! You didn't? You did!!!" Danny was almost as excited as Jared about his wonderful news. "How did they take it?" Danny suddenly became very serious.
"Well, it was kind of funny at first. You know my Dad; he thought I was making some kind of a sick joke. Then when I said it again, real serious like, they both became real quiet. At first I thought I was dead, sure as hell!!! But, after a few minutes of my parents staring back and forth at each other, waiting to see who was going to talk first, my Dad finally said...
"Jared, you are sixteen now, and are sure as hell old enough to know your own mind. What I mean to say is, that you are old enough now to know who you are, and where your place in this world is. This isn't a thing for me, or your mother for that matter, to agree to or not agree. All we can do is love you, and all we ask is that you be responsible, and you make sure that your friends are too."
Jared looked so proud when he added, "They were so cool. I love them a lot."
"Oh, man, I am so happy for you. I hope it goes that easy for me when I tell my parents," Danny said hopefully.
Jared cocked his head thoughtfully and speculated, "Your parents are pretty cool, Danny, and I honestly think they really will be ok with it."
"Well, I was planning on telling them before school starts," Danny admitted. "That only gives me about two weeks. Shit..." he mumbled, almost to himself.
Braden was taking all this in like he was a sponge. I was amazed at how comfortable Danny and Jared could be talking about things like this in front of total strangers. I could see that Danny and Jared really liked each other, maybe even loved each other, just like some of the guys I knew back home with their girl friends. The more I thought about it though, the more I came to realize that being gay was just another way of being a person. I knew enough about sex and stuff to know that a guy doesn't have to think about what he wants or is attracted to. It just happens, and for no better reason than just because that was the way it was intended to be for each person.
It was crazy to think that everyone had to be the same. The idea that the whole world had to be only one way, or do all the same things was just as brainless. What a dull place this world would be if everybody had to think exactly alike, just because the other guy couldn't handle the difference. What it all boiled down to was that it shouldn't matter who you loved, as long as both were happy.
That thought made me feel better, for all the right reasons, better about myself and better about all my new friends and how they viewed life. Danny and Jared weren't that much older than Braden or me, only about a year and a half I figured. Just looking at them, the way they touched, the way they looked at each other, you could tell they knew what made them happy. They knew what they wanted.
With everything that had happened this afternoon, Braden needed to relax a bit. It wasn't hard to see that he felt totally comfortable being around Danny and Jared. That made me feel a lot better too.
Braden took a few quick steps toward the party, looked back to me, and said, "This party rocks! This is going to be fun!" He added excitedly, "Come on, Patrick, what are you waiting for?"
As I took in the scene before me, Danny and Jared went to a huge cooler and pulled out some drinks. As they handed one to each of us, Jared said, "Have fun. Just help yourselves to... well, to whatever." Danny whispered something in Jared's ear and then laughed as they walked off to have some time to themselves down by the water.
Braden and I just looked at each other as we popped the tops of our cans of soda. Braden's was a cola and mine was a root beer. Yuk!!! I grimaced as I took a drink and said, "Well, beggars can't be choosers."
"Yeah, I guess not. Here, trade with me," Braden offered, as he handed me his generic brand cola and took my no name root beer.
I followed Braden as we wound our way through the party. I didn't know a soul there other than Braden, Danny and now his boyfriend, Jared, so I kind of hung back, letting Braden lead the way. Most of the guys were paired off already with their girls and I was really surprised to see two other boys sitting on a blanket holding hands and rocking to the rhythm of the music. Braden smiled as we walked by, and from the way they looked at us, I got the feeling that they thought we were a couple as well.
Braden picked up on this too, and as we passed, he said, "I think they think we're dating."
I thought about that for a second and I figured that if I had a gay friend then some people might draw that conclusion. It didn't really matter what other people thought. I looked at Braden and said, "Let them think what they want."
I followed Braden as he trailed slowly down to the water's edge. Once there, we kicked off our shoes and stuck our feet in the warm water. Everyone had always told me that the water in the ocean was freezing, but this was really nice. I asked Braden about it, and he said the water in the cove warmed up like this because it was kind of shallow and there wasn't really much of a current. I guess that made sense.
We walked along the shoreline 'beach combing' Braden called it, picking at shells and little white stones with our toes. After a while, when we were away from the crowd, Braden moved up to the dry sand and sat down. I followed and stood next to him while he just looked out over the water to the distant horizon. The sun was setting and the sky was beginning to fill with stars. The moon was nearly full, washing everything with a blue light. Braden turned to look at me as I sat next to him on the warm sand.
We just sat quietly for a while, relaxing after a stressful day. Braden put a hand on my arm as he said, "Thanks, Patrick. Most kids would have... well, you know, they would have just left me alone to deal with Billy on my own. You're really a good friend."
"You know something? I did think about it. But, I figured that if I just got up and left, then I would be just as ignorant as the guys on the beach egging Billy on this morning." I looked down and saw Braden's hand resting on my arm and didn't think anything of it. I slid my arm up and took his hand in mine and gave it a good squeeze, then looking at Braden, I said, "If I were gay, I would be the first guy in line for you."
Braden actually blushed at this and squeezed my hand back. We sat there and watched a ship glide past the mouth of the cove far out to sea. Somehow the loneliness of that distant ship made me feel sorry for Braden. Not a pathetic kind of sorry, but a lonely kind of sorry. I knew right then that whatever happened to me, wherever I went, no matter what, from this moment forward, Braden would always be my friend, and I would be his.
I watched as a single tear rolled down Braden's cheek. It glimmered in the bright moonlight like a gem. It sparkled of hope and also of friendship, but most of all, its glow told me that Braden truly had feelings for me. That was both the sweetest, and the scariest, thought of all.
The rhythmic sound of the surf washing up on the shore, mixed with the sounds of the party, took us far away from the problems Braden had to face back on top of that bluff. After a while, I let my hand slip out of his and I stood up. Braden looked up, and said, "Patrick, you're the best."
"Awww, I bet you say that to all the boys," I laughed.
"Well, not all," Braden said in a syrupy voice.
"Whoa, you two seem to be getting along all right," Danny said as he and Jared came walking hand in hand up the beach.
Braden smiled as he stood up and I answered for us. "Yeah, we really are," I said, as I rested a hand on Braden's shoulder.
Danny pointed to where there was a huge pile of wood, and said, "Come on, they're getting ready to light the fire." As we all walked toward the circle of teens forming around the fire pit, three or four of the boys struck road flares and used them to light the fire.
We followed Danny and Jared as they picked their way through the crowd to the edge of the fire. When somebody put in a CD of old Beach Boy's music in the stereo, a group of girls began dancing to the music. Soon, everyone was either dancing around the fire or seeking a bit of privacy in the low dunes and rose-hip brambles at the outer rim of the beach.
Braden and I sat on the up-wind side of the fire and were having a good time listening to the music. As more and more kids joined in, the dancing began to move around the fire. I was reminded of an old movie I watched once, where all the natives were dancing around a fire, working up an appetite for boiled missionary. I elbowed Braden and pointed across the fire when I noticed Danny and Jared on the far side, dancing together. What really made me feel good was that I could see that they were totally comfortable with themselves here. None of the other kids seemed to notice or even care that they were dancing together. It also felt good to know that eventually Braden would be accepted as well.
The fire was getting hotter, so we stood up and decided to walk around a little and mingle with the crowd. For a moment I felt kind of out of place because Braden and I were the only kids there not paired off with a date. As we moved through the crowd, chatting here and there with kids Braden knew from the beach, I came to realize that they really thought we were a couple. They were saying things like, "you two look great together."
That kind of thing made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Braden would say something like, "Oh, we're just friends." I just did my best to ignore it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings again, but it wasn't easy.
Hearing some of them say things like that made me wonder just how 'out' Braden really was. I knew that Billy had plenty of chances to run his mouth up and down the beach. I wish I knew for sure just how much. Another thing was how many of them had managed to figure it out for themselves. The funny thing about it was that it really didn't seem to matter to them at all. All the kids treated us like any of their other friends.
We slowly made our way around the bonfire to where Danny and his boyfriend were now talking with a few of their friends. As we met up with them, Danny said, "Braden, Patrick, we were thinking about going downtown for some pizza. Do you guys want to come along too?"
Braden looked at me anxiously, but I was already shaking my head 'no', and in response to me, he said, "Yeah, I guess you're right." He turned to Danny, and reminded him, "Sorry, we can't this time. We both promised we would go straight home after the party."
Danny and Jared genuinely looked disappointed, but there was nothing we could do about it. Danny said, "Oh hell! That's right, I remember. Ok then, maybe next time."
"Sure, it would be fun," Braden thanked them for the rain check.
Danny, Jared and the other kids made their way to the parking lot, and they all piled into Jared's car. As they sped out of the lot and down the winding road, I asked Braden, "Well, what do we do now?"
"Just hang out I guess," Braden suggested.
We found a spot away from the heat of the fire, yet close enough to the other kids to keep tabs on what was happening. One of the kids pulled out a bag loaded with marshmallows, chocolate bars and graham crackers and passed them around. As some of them went about making s'mores, another group was preparing to roast some hot dogs.
As the fire burned down and the supply of driftwood dwindled, several of the kids settled down around the fire, just talking. The party seemed to be breaking up and several groups of kids headed to other things to do in town. Some were heading to the late show at the one screen movie house, others to the pizza parlor for a snack before going home.
I looked to the top of the bluff where I could see the glow of the lights in the back yard and knew the bar-b-q had progressed to a party. My Mom said there were going to be some more of my Dad's old friends coming. I guess the whole thing had turned into a reunion.
Braden broke my train of thought when he pointed out two people descending the stairway from the yard to the beach. I heard him say under his breath, "Fuck!!! It's Billy!!!"
"I think you're right," I agreed.
"What the hell are we going to do? I don't want to get into it with him all over again!" Braden declared.
"I don't know. Let's just ignore him." I tried to make myself believe that Billy wasn't going to start any trouble. I hoped I was right.
"Yeah, I guess. There isn't a lot else we can do," Braden said nervously.
"That's right, so to hell with him then." I didn't want any trouble, but I wasn't about to run away from it either.
We just sat there, and as I heard the little bastard walk past, we didn't even look up. As he went by, I thought I heard him mutter something under his breath, but I wasn't really sure, so I just ignored it.
Without moving, I tried to watch Billy out of the corner of my eye so I could see what he was up to. Braden must have had the same idea, because he spotted him first, saying softly, "He's on the other side of the fire talking to some kids."
"Yeah, I see. That's what I was afraid of." I turned to see for myself and sure enough, he didn't waste any time stirring up trouble.
I knew what he was doing, and I knew there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. I stood up and said, "Let's just go home. We don't need to listen to him."
"Sounds good to me, maybe there's still something left to eat," Braden agreed, and we headed toward the stairs.
Billy wasted no time in making it look like we were running away. He started calling to us, saying, "There they go, the faggot boys."
I stopped dead in my tracks. I had had my fill! Braden turned and pleaded, "Patrick, please, don't. Come on; let's just go home. He isn't worth it."
"He is seriously pushing his luck!" I was getting really pissed. I turned and took four or five steps in Billy's direction, getting right in his face, and said, "Look you little asshole, one more word out of you, and I am going to shove it back down your throat!"
Braden was pulling me by my arm, but I just shook him loose. As Billy began to retreat, I took another three or four steps toward him, just to keep up, and added, "Go on, you shit for brains, say something!" I took another step. "I dare you!"
Billy looked to Andy and the other two friends he was talking with and found them already backing away, leaving Billy to his own fate. He wasn't so brave without his friends to back him up. That type never was.
I stared him down for another minute before declaring, "Yeah, I thought so. You're just a lot of bull shit." With that, I turned to Braden, and added, "We can go now." We headed for the stairs and home.
Once, I thought I heard Billy yell something when we were almost to the top of the stairs. We didn't stop, or even give an indication that we had heard him.
Back in the yard, safe from Billy and his big mouth, we were finally able to relax again. There must have been forty people milling around the back yard drinking, eating and drinking some more, what is it they call it now, oh yeah, 'networking'.
As planned, Braden and I headed straight for the food table, and we each managed to scrape together a good-sized snack. We didn't really want to go through the 'isn't he the spitting image' routine with all the guests, so we decided to go straight to Braden's room to eat in peace and relax. On the way in, we stopped at the fridge and picked up a half-gallon of milk and a couple of glasses, and then we headed upstairs.
Once in his room, Braden turned on the CD player, and we listened to music while we picked at our food. We both made ourselves comfortable, kicking off our clothes down to our boxers, and chilled out as we were finally able to completely relax for the first time today.
I sat down at Braden's desk, turned on his computer and was looking through his collection of computer games as the screen lit up. There on the desktop, 'for wallpaper' no less, was a picture of JTT bucketty ass naked. I couldn't help but notice the huge... err... personality he was sporting.
Braden sat down on the floor with his back against the foot of the bed, and looked at me sitting at his desk. I sat there with a piece of carrot smeared with ranch flavored dip sticking out of my mouth, and my eyes almost popping out of my head. Braden looked up to the screen and quickly said, "Oh, shit... Sorry, I should have warned you about that."
I knew about porn on the Internet, and I had once seen pictures of naked guys, some even doing stuff together. I had never really equated them as being jack off material. I looked at Braden, and asked, "Aren't you afraid someone will see this?" For some reason, I was still looking at the picture on his computer.
"No, not really. No one ever messes with my computer," Braden said confidently.
"I hope you're right," I laughed. When I thought about it a little more, I added, "It didn't take too much for me to find this, did it?" pointing at JTT's tool.
Braden chuckled, saying, "Yeah, I guess I see what you mean. I think I will put in a password for the desktop." He must have noticed I was quiet, even more so than usual, because he asked, "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking," I answered softly.
"'Bout what?" he wondered.
I felt my face getting warm, and mumbled, "Oh, it's nothing."
"Come on, dude, tell me," Braden insisted.
"Well, I was just kind of... well... um... I was like wondering... errr... well what... err"
"What's it like?" Braden guessed, finishing my question for me.
"Well, yeah," I admitted. I was at least a little curious, and becoming totally embarrassed by this conversation.
"What's what like?" Braden smiled. I could tell he was enjoying this. He wanted me to say the words.
"Well, you know... doing it... with another guy?" I confessed.
"I don't know what you're getting at" Braden answered so innocently.
I threw a carrot at him and he promptly tossed it into his mouth. "Well, just look at this," I said, pointing at JTT there on the screen in the flesh. "What does this do for you?"
Braden smiled from ear to ear, and asked, "Do you ever look at naked women when you jack off?"
I could feel my face flush again, and admitted, "Well... yeah, sometimes.