A Pure and Honest Heart
by Zambezi
Chapter Nine
Brad awoke early the following morning with visions of road accidents in his head. His eyes felt heavy and he had been sweating a lot during the night - strange since he was not wearing his customary pyjamas and should have been colder. As the early morning fog in his mind disappeared he started to recall the events of the previous evening which suddenly hit him with full force. He was orphaned, with his thirteen year old brother in some social services care home he had never even seen. For the first time in his entire life, he felt very alone, very exposed, and very vulnerable. And he felt even more responsibility heaped on his shoulders.
He then became aware of another sensation, that of another body in his 75cm wide bed. He was also aware, in particular, of the sensation of a very hard penis pressed against his back. When he remembered that it was Richard lying in bed beside him, he suddenly felt less alone, less vulnerable, and in a less daunting world. He felt loved. He reached up for the clock behind his head and looked at the time: 0615. So much for a Sunday morning lie-in.
He started to roll over trying not to disturb Richie but the younger boy stirred anyway and his eyelids fluttered open. Richard's voice was soft and gentle as he asked, "How did you sleep Brad?"
"Soundly, although as soon as I woke up this morning I was scared about everything that's happening. Then I felt you behind me and it was suddenly all a bit better."
"Speaking of which, you are probably feeling part of me that would be a little inappropriate today. Sorry." He began to wriggle to separate his crotch from the older boy.
Brad chuckled. "Don't worry, it happens to everyone. Including me I'm afraid." He felt a small hand creeping down his abdomen, but it thought better as it approached his briefs and withdrew.
"Sorry, this isn't the time for things like that. It would be like taking advantage of you when you're in pain," Richie explained as Brad started to roll over.
"I really appreciate that. You've been so kind and considerate to me last night and now, I know I am in love with the best person in the world." Now facing Richie, he pulled his younger friend into a close hug which they held for a couple of minutes before he ended it with a kiss to Richie's cheek. Eventually, Brad suggested that Richie might want to return to his dorm before the others woke up, to at least give the impression he'd slept in his own bed. After giving his friend a quick kiss on the cheek Richie got out of bed, threw his dressing gown over his tented boxers, and slipped back upstairs to his dorm.
Once the younger boy had disappeared and he wasn't afraid to display his own tent Brad got up too and immediately sat down at his desk to start writing out instructions for Tony to deputise for him as House Captain while he was away. Next, he wrote notes to all of his class teachers explaining what had happened, and asked them to approach the examining boards to inform them that even if he did sit his exams his performance was likely to be severely compromised. He wrote a note to Marcus Carter asking him to collect his dry cleaning from the laundry when it was ready on Tuesday, to keep his potted plant watered, and generally make sure his room was in order. He added at the end that if he didn't want to do any of that because it carried a whiff of fagging, then to let Richie know. Finally, he wrote a quick note to Richie explaining his letter to Marcus, partly to avoid a repeat of the previous jealousy issue and partly to warn him that he was plant waterer of last resort..
He quickly went downstairs to the locker room and showered before any of the other boys were up and about. Next, he packed his suit, a couple of white uniform shirts, and a supply of clean socks and underwear into his old suitcase and threw his toilet bag on top. He also grabbed his school bag and stuffed it with as much revision material as he could carry. Finally, he unlocked his wooden tuck box, took out the steel strongbox inside, and removed the Omega watch from there and put it on his wrist. He would need it now and this was no time to be damned by impressions.
At about 0900, just as most boys were tucking into the late Sunday morning breakfast, Zelda's big Mercedes pulled up outside the building and she popped into Tom Stephens' cottage opposite. When they emerged about ten minutes later Saunders appeared from the driver's seat and took a set of keys from her before walking off down the long driveway towards the village and the lock up garage containing Brad's car.
When Brad returned from breakfast himself and the other boys were getting ready for chapel he went into his room, where he was immediately engulfed in a warm hug by Zelda. "Brad, I was so sorry to hear about what happened. I can't imagine how devastating it must feel."
"Thanks very much. It's a daunting task to face right now, but I feel a lot better knowing that I have so many kind friends to support me."
Just then the door opened and Richard appeared with Saunders. "Hey guys, look what I found hanging around the bushes."
The butler looked at Brad and smiled weakly and sympathetically. "Master Brad, Betty and I were very sorry to learn of your loss. Please, if there's anything either of us can do just let us know."
Brad thanked him profusely before Zelda suggested they get going to allow Richie to head to chapel. He then asked Zelda and Saunders if they wanted to go for the service as well, but both were horrified at the prospect and barely tried to conceal it. Brad thanked his lucky stars - if there was a God, he mused, He wasn't being very Godly to him at the moment - and while Richie ran off to chapel they loaded the suitcase and bags in the Mercedes. Brad hopped in beside Zelda, while Saunders got into the Volkswagen and followed them back to Faversham.
Brad sat in silence as the big limo wafted down the M40 and then onto the M25. Every so often Zelda looked over and smiled at him, and made reassuring noises about doing whatever she could to make things easier for him.
As they passed Heathrow and Brad gazed up at a big jumbo jet coming in to land, he began to speak properly for the first time since they set off. "Am I crazy to drop out of school and pass up university to look after my brother?"
"Are you seriously thinking of doing that?"
"Yes."
"Then yes, you are."
"I thought you might say that. But I can't just leave him with social services and Trinity will never have him - he only got a half scholarship and the Head has already said no to a bursary to make up the difference. In any case he hates me so he's never going to give him that. And we have no more relatives in Britain, just uncle Gareth in Cape Town. I can run the farm by myself and look after him until he grows up, and we can reconsider things then."
"Brad, you've just turned eighteen and you've barely learned anything about the world. It would be a terrible waste of a great opportunity, not to mention of all the hard work you've done over the last few years."
"But I have to think of Jamie now."
"I know you do. And of course he will always be a huge priority for you. But we haven't explored any other options. I don't know if Richie told you, but his father is a barrister up in London. I spoke to him early this morning, and he's going to send someone down from his chambers who is an expert in family law. The first thing he'll do is establish Jamie's legal status and give you some options. That will take long enough that you will be finished with A levels and able to give it much more attention before it's done and dusted. Until then, he must have friends or neighbours who can take him for a month or two until you finish school and go back home and pick things up. Peter's also going to get someone to look at the circumstances surrounding the crash and deal with the insurers and everything. If there's any suspicion that there are any factors in the accident other than your parents, they will chase it to the ends of the earth and make sure that you are properly compensated. Finally, don't worry about how much any of this is going to cost you. If it's recoverable from the accident then that will sort it. If not, I will cover it."
Brad was moved to tears. "Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful for any help and everything you've done so far. But why?"
"Because from everything Richie's told me about you and your family, and from the time I met your Dad in January and everyone else when I dropped Richie off at Easter, I just know that if the positions had been reversed you would be doing everything you could to help my son. You are a good person Brad, one of the best, and you have been dealt a cruel and terrible blow which is desperately unfair on you. You deserve so much more than losing everything, and I am not going to see someone I care about suffer when I can do something to help. Besides, Richie would kill me if I didn't."
This exchange reminded him of another conversation he needed to have with her about her son, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. He was unsure of what Richie had told her. Zelda didn't raise it either.
Eventually they arrived at the farm and pulled up outside the house, Saunders pulling up immediately behind them. Brad fished his key out of his pocket, but hesitated outside the back door before Zelda walked up beside him and put her arm around him. "I'm right here honey," she whispered, as he unlocked the door and walked into the kitchen. Everything was exactly how it should have been; on the table was the family diary next to a letter from the Shepherd Neame brewery buyer asking to inspect their hops at a suitable date, and there was even a once-frozen chicken, now defrosted, on the counter - intended for last night's dinner. These symbols of a family cut down in their prime on a normal Saturday morning proved too much for the teenager as he broke down and cried, inconsolably, for the next twenty minutes. Richard's mother held him and comforted him as only mothers do, while Saunders raced around the house and dealt with things like the bloody chicken.
Shortly afterwards, Jamie arrived with a middle aged woman who introduced herself as his social services caseworker. Jamie ran straight to his older brother and they held on to each other tightly for several minutes making sure that the other was okay through their tears. Zelda, meanwhile, spoke to the caseworker and explained who she was and what she was proposing to do for Brad and, by extension, Jamie over the next few weeks to help in any way possible.
The following week was something of a blur to Brad. In between arriving back home on the Sunday and the funeral the following Friday, there was a stream of visitors: the Clarksons all made a trip over, bearing casseroles and other such comforts. Many of Jamie's school friends and their parents came to see them, and on the Tuesday Uncle Gareth arrived, alone this time as the boys were in school. Social services released Jamie to his brother and uncle for the week, to be reviewed after the funeral, although that did not stop them from checking up twice. There were trips to the mortuary to formally identify the bodies, then to the funeral home to make arrangements for the service (non-religious, Brad demanded, his stance on the Church hardening) and cremation. There was a trip up to Bluewater to buy Jamie a suit - his first - for the funeral.
Peter Young also held good to his word and sent down a lawyer conversant with family law, whose first job was to interview the boys about what they wanted from any new domestic arrangements before he set out to piece together the estate their parents had left behind and started to arrange meetings with all other interested parties.
Such affairs in hand for the time being, Brad and Jamie were able to concentrate, with Gareth, on supporting each other in their grief. They went on walks together, milked the cows together, and as they did they discussed how they wanted to arrange their lives in their new future. Above all, they reaffirmed their dedication to each other as Brad promised he would do everything in his power to ensure the rest of his brother's childhood was happy and comfortable.
The one constant theme throughout the week was Zelda Williams. With Brad's blessing she had installed herself in the farmhouse in the Johnson parents' bedroom and somehow managed to ensure that Gareth and the boys were always in the right place at the right time. And she was there with tea and succour every time she was needed. From his first day at Inglewood back in January, Brad had always known that she was a very human person - despite the earlier impressions she had given at Trinity, when she had invariably been around Peter. But during the week after his parents' death Brad saw a whole new side to her. She still had her businesslike manner in arranging meetings with the undertaker and the like, but the warmth and support flowing from her to the boys was a revelation. The night before the funeral, Brad made a point of sharing his thoughts with her.
She chuckled in response. "Brad, remember the night Richard told you he was gay?"
"Vividly." He hadn't relished that conversation with her about him, and still didn't know if she knew the latest developments in their relationship.
"He repeated to me something you said to him that night: 'Everybody's human, you just need to let it out once in a while'. I suspect you're probably seeing that here. Peter and I were talking, and we realised that if something had happened to us none of the people we knew would be able to offer Richie anything like the kind of support he'd need. As I said in the car on Sunday, I can, so I am doing everything I can for you because, to coin an expression, there but for the grace of God go I. Besides, when Peter and I were divorcing neither of us were very human, either to each other or to Richie. I had a lot of humanity to let out," she said, smiling at Brad.
The day of the funeral dawned overcast with drizzle, but was clear, warm, and bright as the mourners gathered in the tiny chapel of rest in the afternoon to pay their respects in front of the two large and one tiny coffins. A small party of primary school kids - classmates of Rosie's - came, although few could have understood the real implications. A couple of people from the dairy attended, including Mick the tanker driver who had driven Catrin to hospital more than 18 years previously as she went into labour with Brad, and the Shepherd Neame buyer came too. Many of Jamie's friends were there, as were the Clarksons and an array of local farmers who had known Bill Johnson all his life. At the last minute, the Trinity School minibus pulled up outside and Tony Fleming and Nathan Gregory walked in in full dress uniform, flanked on either side by Marcus Carter and Richie Young. Tom and Susan Stephens followed them, accompanied by the Trinity Headmaster as they filled the back row.
Brad held himself together until the very end. He had already delivered a small eulogy before Gareth had continued with a much more comprehensive one about his sister and brother-in-law. Rosie's teacher got up and said a few words about her pupil, before Richie and Tom Stephens walked up to the front of the room unexpectedly to finish matters. Richie began to sing Suo Gan in Welsh, accompanied by the dulcet tones of his Housemaster at the tiny chapel's organ. Brad knew from listening to Richie that his voice was definitely heading towards the end of its life as a treble but the timbre, strength, and purity of the lullaby as the angelic voice sang out across the room, and seemingly across the rolling Kent countryside, was overwhelmingly beautiful. Brad slowly began to sob.
He looked over at Zelda, standing next to him, and mouthed "Did you arrange this?"
She smiled back and rubbed his shoulder without saying a word. She didn't need to. Brad knew she had hatched the plot with Richie, who in turn had roped in Tom Stephens. It was touching that he had even remembered.
After the funeral the coffins were whisked away to Maidstone crematorium and the mourners moved into the function room of the pub across the road. While many of the men gathered around the TV screen to watch Alec Stewart and Graeme Hick pasting the Sri Lankan bowlers across Lords in the opening game of cricket World Cup Gareth, Brad, and Jamie played the dutiful family, dodging polite questions about what they were going to do with themselves. That would be addressed on Monday, although Gareth was grateful for the chance to catch up with Tom Stephens, together with whom he had worked at Trinity as newly qualified teachers a quarter of a century previously.
On the Monday, the farm house played host to a gathering of stakeholders which Brad would have laughed off two weeks previously. Daniel Leigh, the lawyer sent by Peter Young, was the first to arrive as he had arranged the meeting. Jamie's social services caseworker followed, as did Tom Stephens and Frank Clarkson, Sarah's father. Brad, Jamie, and Gareth were already there, as was Zelda who - although uninvited - flapped around making tea for everyone and never got round to excusing herself from proceedings.
That both Brad and Jamie were welcome in Cape Town was obvious. Everybody's overriding concern was to ensure that the brothers stayed together and as the only family they had left was Gareth the emigration route was a certain way of achieving that. But neither boy wanted to move, and Brad privately recognised that two extra mouths to feed and clothe was an unfair burden on an uncle in a country they barely knew. For Brad, who liked to think of himself as responsible for his brother now, the Cape Town option was a useful fallback but it was definitely a last resort.
The next thing they all agreed on was that Brad should stay at Trinity to complete his A levels. Once that was agreed by everyone, the issue that then arose was how to deal with Jamie until Brad finished school and the situation could be reviewed. Tom Stephens reiterated that despite his efforts to persuade the Headmaster otherwise Jamie could not be accommodated at Trinity shortly before Frank Clarkson stepped forward and announced that his family were more than happy to accommodate and look after Jamie for a couple of months: it allowed Jamie to stay at the same school and close to his own home so that he could "check" on the farm. Brad meanwhile agreed to employ George, the senior farm hand, full time to keep the business running until he finished school and could devote more time to thinking about its future.
So that was settled: Brad back to Trinity, Jamie to the Clarksons, to be reviewed in two months after the A level exams. Uncle Gareth back to Cape Town. Social services were happy, and Daniel Leigh would ensure that necessary paperwork was properly dealt with. Brad was amazed at just how simple the whole thing had been.
He drove back to school in the Passat two days later, dropping Gareth at Heathrow airport on the way, and launched himself right back into the thick of things immediately. His first exams were the following week so he spent most of his time at his desk revising, getting back into the hang of all things academic. Obviously, he was distracted much of the time. He had finally bought himself a prepay cell phone so that Jamie could contact him directly rather than have to pass a message on through Tom Stephens. Jamie called every night to say how he was getting on with school and the Clarksons, but it was obvious he was only tolerating it. Brad began to feel increasingly guilty about coming back to school knowing that his brother was in such emotional turmoil.
He had a rocky road to negotiate with Richie too. Hours before the loss of his parents redefined his family life, he had already taken the huge step of starting to realign himself along the sexual spectrum by admitting to Richie that he loved him. They had celebrated their love for each other with a passionate kiss which contained more pleasure than either of them had ever experienced, but they had not had a chance since then to explore their relationship any further. Although it was always at the back of both their minds' it was never a huge priority in the context of things, and Richie was terrified of making any more moves in case he took advantage of his friend's - boyfriend's - vulnerability.
With all the distractions of his home life, Brad was distant and preoccupied, and his friends kept their distance, not knowing how to approach him. Three days after he arrived back he took "line" - the evening roll call - in Wordsworth as part of his prefect duty that night, and by the time he got to the Third Form, and Y for Young at the end of alphabet, he was virtually in tears. Quickly he turned away to head back to his room to start homework leaving Richie standing, not knowing what to do.
Bob Gillson tapped him on the shoulder and whispered, "Richie, there must be something you can do. I know we all make fun and call you his boyfriend, but you are much closer to him than any of us. Go and talk to him. After everything he's done for us we can't let him suffer like this."
"Yeah, I know. Tell Tony Fleming what's happening and that I am going to be there at least for the start of prep." He then trotted off down the Sixth Form corridor to Brad's room at the end. He bumped into Nathan on the way.
"You going to see Brad?" the older boy enquired.
"Yeah. He was almost crying by the time he finished line and Gilly and I were beginning to get a bit worried."
"We are too, but it's so hard for any of us to talk about. He seems to open up to you a lot more readily these days, please try and help. I don't even know where to begin."
"I don't either, but I have to start somewhere. It's killing me to see him like this."
"It's killing all of us Young. That guy has held all of us in the Sixth Form together for nine years and when he needs us, we can't seem to begin to help. Let me know how you get on, and if there's anything I can do, OK?"
Richard smiled and nodded as he continued towards Brad's room. He mused about how things had changed in the previous six months. Before Christmas, he had been scared shitless of the senior boys as he walked down that corridor. Now, he hadn't given it a second thought and when one of the seniors had stopped him, it was to ask for his help! He wondered why: whether it was just a case of him growing up and gaining in confidence, or one of increasing acceptance of him around Brad. He desperately hoped it was both.
He knocked twice on the door and went in after no reply came. Brad was sitting hunched at his desk, face buried in his hands, sobbing silently. Richie walked up behind him and started to gently massage his friend's shoulders and the back of his neck. The older boy didn't say anything, but gradually let his head lean further and further back until it was resting on Richie's abdomen. The younger boy felt the tension gradually dissipate from Brad but still carried on gently kneading the flesh, all in silence.
Eventually, Brad let out a big sigh. Richie finished the massage and leant down so that he was directly behind his seated friend. He draped his arms over Brad's broad shoulders and pulled the young man into a huge hug from behind, his face inches from Brad's right ear. He spoke for the first time since he'd entered the room.
"Brad, I wish there was something - anything - I could do to take away the pain. Whether it's grief, or concern for your brother, please let me share it with you."
Brad half-twisted his neck to turn more towards his friend, although they were both essentially facing the wall in front of the desk. "Richie, it's something I have to deal with by myself. You shouldn't have to."
"Yes, I should. I still love you very much, with every beat of my heart. And if loving someone is about sharing the bad times as well as the good, then bad times I will share." He planted a small kiss on Brad's cheek.
Brad stood up, turned around, and pulled Richie to him. "I still desperately love you too." Tears were now streaming openly down his face as he sniffed twice before continuing. "I feel like I'm facing the world on my own, but I don't even know where to begin. Nothing makes sense any more." He held his friend in a tight embrace as he cried.
Richard wrapped his arms around Brad's waist and held on. Intuitively, he knew he could not let go, not now. They held each other for a good ten minutes, both now in tears. As he began to loosen his grip on Richie, Brad saw for the first time that his young friend was crying too. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and - not for the first time in his life - dabbed Richard's eyes dry, as he whispered, "Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be upset!"
"I am for you. I hate to see the guy I love like this."
"Speaking of love, Richie, we need to have a conversation about us. I know we've both been avoiding the issue since the accident, but it's running around in the back of my mind."
"Yeah, me too," Richie admitted. "I think about you night and day, and sometimes when I think about you in my head I refer to you as my boyfriend, even though I'm not sure that's what I should be calling you. It certainly sounds nice. But what worries me is that if we take things further than they are now, then I want to be sure that it's the real you, with a level head, that's taking it further. I want to make sure that you are in this for us, and for you as Brad Johnson, Sexy Eighteen Year Old Guy. I don't want to find that I'm taking things forward with Brad, Confused and Grieving Guy, and when that guy disappears the person left doesn't feel the same. That's kinda why I'm avoiding the issue."
"I guess I'd feel the same if I thought about it a bit, and I am really glad that you are thinking so maturely. It's really neat that you're concerned about me being vulnerable, and I suppose I am. You're right, we need to hold off developing our relationship further until I am certain that I'm doing it for all the right reasons for both of us. Are you sure you have the patience though?"
"I waited months just to get to this stage. Brad, I love you more than you will ever know and I will wait as long as it takes. As soon as you feel you're ready give me a shout. I'll be waiting for you. I promise."
Both boys resumed their long drawn out hug, but this time their lips met and there was a tender kiss. When they broke off they sat down on the bed together. Brad draped his arm over Richie's back, while the younger boy leaned back so that he was cradled in it. As they cuddled they started to talk about everything that was going on: Brad's feeling of being lost in a big wide world he knew little about with no guidance; his guilt over coming back to school to finish his exams, even though Jamie probably needed him more at home than either of them cared to admit. By the time prep, the scheduled homework period, was nearly ended they had exhausted conversation although Brad had one more thing to say.
"I never thanked you for singing like that at the funeral. It was really beautiful."
"Ever since you told me your Mum used it to sing you to sleep I practised, mainly because I hoped that one day I'd sing you to sleep with it. It was kind of wishful thinking at the time I suppose, but I quite like the song too. When I mentioned the idea of singing it at the funeral to Mum, she got Mr Stephens to accompany me and the plot was hatched."
"It meant everything in the world that you remembered."
"Doesn't it freak you out a bit, knowing that I memorise every little fact I learn about you, that I am so obsessed I practise something like that just on the off-chance I get to do it for you?"
"Never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, probably not. All it does it just underline your feelings for me, and I'm touched. I love you with my heart of hearts Richard Young, and I pray to everything holy that you stick with me over the next few weeks and months as I try to get my life back." He kissed Richard softly on the cheek.
"I told you a long time ago, I've got a lot of love to give. I'll be ready, waiting, when you are ready." He smiled and kissed Brad back on the cheek, and left the room.
The following day was Saturday and Brad drove back home early in the morning to take his brother off the Clarksons' hands for the weekend and to check that George was managing with the farm. When he reached Faversham he headed straight to the Clarksons house, and Sarah answered the door.
"Uh, hi I guess," she started, obviously as uncomfortable as Brad himself. Although they had exchanged pleasantries at the funeral and immediately before it was the first time they had really seen each other face to face since they split up. "Jamie's actually still in bed. Come in, though."
"Thanks," Brad replied as he stepped in not knowing where this was about to head. "You have no idea how grateful I am that your Dad offered to put Jamie up until I finished school. I never knew that he felt so strongly about us, particularly after, you know."
"Bradley, we were all shocked to hear what happened, and we all cared about you and Jamie a lot. OK, I was kinda hoping that we could patch things up and that being nice was the best way to do that, but it's been great having Jamie here. He's just like a younger version of you. We stayed up real late last night just talking about stuff, like we used to do years ago."
"So that's why he's still in bed? Jeez, he used to be worse than me for getting up early." Brad chuckled.
"How are you Brad?"
"It's been tough you know. I feel like I need to be here for Jamie and to keep the farm running since that's our entire livelihood, but my exams are important too and trying to keep my mind on that while I have all these concerns about what's going on down here is difficult."
"Honey, you've just had almost everything you lived for taken away from you. Of course it's going to be difficult. Brad, I think you must realise that I still have strong feelings for you. That's one of the reasons we were so keen to be helping out with Jamie. If there's anything I can do which will help you, and patch things up between us, then let me know. I was stupid before - I overreacted about that kid and it's been cutting me up ever since. I'm sorry."
"Shit. Shit, shit, shit," Brad muttered to himself. This was a conversation he did not want to have, not right then.
"Sarah, I haven't really thought all that much about what happened between us and whether it can be made right. Well, yes I have, but only to wonder where it went wrong. All I know is that there was a fundamental breakdown of communication between us. That was probably my fault and I hold my hand up to it. But there was also a fundamental breakdown in trust. I swear to everything holy that I have never had any kind of physical relationship with Richie, although I readily admit that our emotional one was very strong and I probably should have told you." Brad realised he was stretching the truth a bit, but he had only just got to grips with matters himself. "But if you couldn't recognise that I had the right to have a friendship with him, then I wonder how much you are ever going to trust me."
"When I saw the look on your face I wasn't sure I could. It said more than 'just friends'," Sarah replied. "I just know it did." She fixed him with a firm gaze, not flinching, before she continued. "But I am willing to accept that you may have had confused feelings for him at the time if we can just put it behind us for now. I felt awful not being able to be there for you after the accident, and I want to be back together so that I can be there for you."
Brad heart sank as he knew he'd been rumbled, but was at a loss at what to do next. No matter what he said, someone was going to get hurt, and it would hurt him to do it. He'd known for months that one way or another this day was coming, that he would have to choose between Sarah and Richard, but still didn't know what to say. But somehow he also knew that Sarah's frustration at being powerless after the accident were not about him. They were about her.
He closed his eyes as he flew by the seat of his pants. "I am really touched that you want to be there for me Sarah and I love you to bits, I really do. But your suspicion of Richie isn't entirely without foundation. I love him very much too, I don't hesitate to say that and with you I have always admitted that. The thing is, when I really needed someone he was there as well, and I felt just as safe, just as loved, as I do when you hold me, only it was different somehow. It's like he's fighting whatever it is for me as well. He is also gay. He told me that up front and I don't have a problem with it. Well, I sorta do, because I have all these feelings for him and I cannot forever rule out the possibility that our relationship may grow to be more than it is now. I never thought of myself as gay, but if that's what I need to be to get the most out of my relationship with him then that's what I'll be. On the other hand nothing may ever come of it other than opening my eyes to possibilities, but I owe it to him, to me, and also to you, to explore every avenue. If I don't, I'll wonder 'what if?' for a long time to come."
Sarah sat opposite, slowly deflating as the impact of what Brad was saying hit her. "Are you telling me that you don't want us to give it another go?"
"I'm sorry Sarah. These feelings for him have been building up for months, long before our fight. You know they have. All our break up did was take away the only excuse I had for denying them point blank. I know this is hard for us to talk about now, but the best thing I can give to you, possibly the only thing of any meaning, is my honesty."
"And I appreciate it. I don't like it, but I appreciate it. You and your bloody pure and honest heart." She grinned in defeat, a solitary tear running down her cheek. "It was worth a try."
"Jamie doesn't know about any of this. Please don't tell him."
"Of course not. I promise."
Jamie appeared at the door moments later, as if on cue, running across to his older brother for a huge hug. "What's up bro? You look like you've been crying."
"Sarah and I were just talking about us breaking up, and the reasons why. I'll tell you about it some other time, I promise."
"OK."
"Good, now go and get changed so we can see what horrors George has left for us at home."
The two boys spent the weekend together. It was stretching it to say it was enjoyable for either of them, but they spent a lot of time talking and comforting each other, describing their feelings and fears which they could not talk openly about with their friends. Brad was desperate to tell his brother about the way things were starting to develop with Richie but, desperate to appear strong and not wanting to occupy centre stage in their bereavement he kept his mouth shut, while his mind started to wonder if there ever would be a good time.
Jamie enjoyed being back with his big brother, in particular being able to climb into his bed that night for a cuddle. Both boys had been raised in a very loving household, which involved lots of the hugging and kissing on which they thrived, and both were determined that it would continue. Brad knew he could get a hug from Richie now and again during the week; he also knew that Jamie couldn't unless he went to Sarah. Frank and Penny Clarkson were not very touchy-feely.
As they lay in Brad's double bed together that night, Jamie looked up at him. "Brad, doesn't cuddling up in bed like this seem a bit girly?"
"Does it to you?" Brad responded.
"To be honest, not at all. But I wonder what the guys at school would say if they saw this. They'd call me gay."
"Hmm. Are you?" Brad was very interested in where this conversation was heading.
"Of course not. At least not that I'm aware of."
"Then what does it matter?"
"Well if people call you gay that's the worst possible insult there is."
"But if you're not what possible difference can it make?"
"It's not that easy. Fuck knows how real gays cope at a school like mine," Jamie continued.
"I can imagine. It's bad enough for us at Trinity."
"Excuse me?" Jamie turned and gave his brother a puzzled look.
"Shit shit shit", Brad thought - for the second time that day - before continuing out loud, "I was trying to say that even Trinity's no walk in the park for a gay kid. I know one or two who probably are as well, and it's pretty terrible. Boys can be so cruel about something like that, but when they call you gay, ninety-nine times out of a hundred it's not a sexuality thing. All they are doing is displaying caveman views about the concept of masculinity. If someone needs a bit of love and physical affection, it takes far more of a man to ask for it and give it, than it does for someone to keep a stiff upper lip and pretend they don't need it. Anyone who says otherwise is talking total dogshit."
Jamie snuggled up closer. "Aww, I like having a big softie for a brother! You know, it's probably not my place to say it, but I'm sure Mum and Dad would be proud of you if they saw you like this."
"I like being a big softie," Brad continued, grinning, secretly wondering how proud they would be if they knew how he really felt about a certain other boy. He gulped before continuing, "and if anyone questions my masculinity, then they can discuss it on the rugby field or face one of my bouncers." As soon as he said it, he realised that he didn't even need that to prove his masculinity to himself. He had his decency, his dignity, and his ability to love. And for him, that was enough.
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