My Best Friend is Gay
by Victor Thomas
Chapter 5
I chewed my lip as I watched Steve dressing. He looked toward me and caught me. I looked guiltily away.
Great, now he'll think I'm hot for him. I can't do this.
"You ready to head out?" Spencer asked.
"Huh?" I said. "Oh, no, I have something I have to do. You go ahead. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," I lied. The truth was that I wasn't okay. I wasn't okay at all. "Call me if you need anything or want to hang out."
"Yeah, I will," he said. "Later."
He looked at me curiously, but then departed. He suspected something was up. He knew me too well. Steve put his backpack over his shoulder and then headed out of the locker room with his brother. I swallowed hard, shouldered my backpack, and followed.
I waited until they were outside and walking toward the parking lot before I jogged to catch up to them.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey," Shawn said.
"Um, could I talk to you guys?" I asked.
I swear my voice was shaking. Damn, this was hard.
"Sure," Steve said.
"Somewhere private," I said. "It's really personal."
Steve raised an eyebrow. Now he truly thought I was checking him out in the locker room.
"We could talk in our apartment," Shawn said.
"You have an apartment of your own?" I asked.
"Yeah," Steve said.
"You don't live at home?" I asked.
"No," Shawn said.
"Okay, I guess that would be cool," I said.
"It's right above the Chouteau Café . We can meet you there," Shawn said.
"Yeah, okay," I said. "Cool."
I walked to my car as they walked to theirs. Did I really want to do this? Did I want to be alone with two homos who could jump me and rape me?
They aren't going to do that, Philip, I thought to myself. Yeah, Shawn and Steve weren't like that. Still, I was scared, not because of anything I feared they'd do to me, but because I was afraid of what I wanted to tell them.
They have their own apartment.
I thought about that as I left the CHS parking lot and drove toward downtown. I knew their older brother was in prison. I remembered the articles in the paper about him bringing a gun to school, but he didn't actually make it to the school before the cops got him. I guess Shawn and Steve's home life hadn't been so good if they had a brother like that, but how could they afford an apartment.
I didn't have time to think about it, because I had arrived. I parked the car and climbed out. Both of them were waiting on me.
Here goes nothing.
"I didn't know you lived above the Chouteau Café ," I said. "That's really cool."
"Yeah, and I work part time in the café so I don't have much of a commute," Shawn said.
"Yeah, that's right," I said. "I've seen you in there."
"Come on up," Steve said.
I followed the Duley brothers as the entered a door and then ascended a long staircase. At the top was a landing. Steve opened the door and we stepped in.
"Here it is," Steve said.
"This is really cool," I said, walking through the living room to look out the front window down onto Main Street.
"We have it fixed up pretty well now with second hand furniture. When we started out, we had nothing, and even shared a glass and a bowl," Shawn said with a laugh.
"It must be nice to have your own place," I said. "You could bring all the girls here you want to. Um… well, you know what I mean."
"Yeah," Steve said, laughing. "Have a seat."
I sat in an old, but comfortable chair. Steve sat on the couch across from me while Shawn went into the kitchen, which was separated from the living room only by an old counter.
"Can I get you anything?" Shawn asked.
"No thanks. I'm good," I answered.
Shawn fixed himself a glass of ice water and then sat by his brother.
"So, what did you want to talk to us about?" Steve asked.
"Well, I… this is just between us, right?" I asked.
"Of course," Shawn said.
Steve nodded.
"Well… I've been having some really weird dreams… about a boy… who has sex with another boy," I told them.
"Ah," Shawn said.
"The thing is," I continued, "I'm not gay. I'm really not, but in the dreams, I am, or he is. It's kind of confusing as to whether I'm dreaming about someone else or I'm me in the dreams, you know."
"Yeah, dreams can be truly bizarre and confusing," Shawn said.
"The dreams excite me, if you know what I mean," I said. "Okay, I'll say it, they are often wet dreams."
I could feel myself blushing.
"So… are you worried you might be gay?" Shawn asked.
"I just… I've never been into guys like that," I said. "I've never understood it and I think it's…"
I trailed off. I could not say what I'd started to say.
"Messed up?" Steve suggested.
"Well, yeah," I said to them. "I mean, I really love girls. I can't even begin to explain how much!" They both laughed. "I don't understand how anyone couldn't be into them. I'm sorry if I'm being offensive. You guys are cool. You're normal except for… maybe I should just leave. I'm saying all the wrong things."
"No, we get it," Shawn said. "I'm sure it's hard for you to understand but we feel about guys the way you do about girls. It's completely natural to us."
""Okay," I said, "the thing is, that I am into girls. I'm not a homo… sorry… I'm not gay and trying to hide it. I really like girls, but these dreams are really messing with my head."
"Are you afraid you might have some attraction to guys too?" Steve asked.
"Well, yeah," I said. "I don't think I am, but what if I am."
"Almost everyone is actually bisexual," Shawn said.
"They are?" I asked.
"Yes," Shawn said. "That doesn't mean they have sex with members of their own sex or even think about it much, but pretty much everyone is attracted to members of their own sex at times. It may be so subtle they don't even recognize it as sexual attraction, but it's there."
"So, you guys get hot for girls?" I asked.
"I wouldn't put it that way, but I feel a very slight attraction to girls sometimes. I would never act on it because the attraction is so weak and, to be honest, the thought of sex with a girl grosses me out," Shawn said, wrinkling his nose.
It was my turn to laugh.
"I wouldn't let the dreams upset you too much. They're just dreams. They're sex dreams, so even though it's not sex between a guy and a girl, it is sex. That's probably why it turns you on," Steve said.
"Yeah, unless you've been having thoughts of hooking up with guys" Shawn said.
"No!" I practically shouted. "I haven't! I'm being a real jerk when you guys are trying to help me."
"It's okay. You're afraid other guys will think you're gay. We get it. A lot of guys can't handle that. It's a threat to their masculinity," Shawn said.
"Yeah," I said. "I know it's probably stupid, but I'd die if anyone thought I was gay, and yet you guys… well, you're about as masculine as it's possible to get, and you're hot."
"Are you coming on to us?" Steve said with a grin.
"No!" I said quickly, even though I knew he was messing with me.
"Steve, it's really not the time to joke around," Shawn said.
"Sorry."
"It's okay, and I shouldn't react like that," I said. "If I was into guys… well…"
Steve laughed.
"Well, we are hot. If you were into guys, I would hope you'd be into us," he said.
"I would like to look like you guys," I admitted.
"You're very good looking, Philip, and you have a great body. Don't worry; I'm not hitting on you. That's merely an observation," Shawn said.
"Thanks," I said. "I just wish I was as hot as you."
"Welcome to the mutual admiration society," Steve said.
"So… you don't think I should worry?" I asked
"I wouldn't," Steve said.
"Me either," Shawn said. "If I started having sex dreams about girls, it would freak me out a little, but I wouldn't be worried about it."
"Okay, thanks," I said. "You guys have been really cool about this."
"Not bad for homos, huh?" Shawn asked.
I smiled.
"Some gay guys freak me out," I admitted, "but you've always been cool. I mean… you never hit on anyone on the team, and you don't stare."
"We do notice our teammates, but we know most of them are not gay. We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Besides, it's a waste of time hitting on one of those perverts who like girls," Shawn said.
"Thanks," I said, standing.
"No problem. Teammates stick together on and off the field," Shawn said.
"Yeah, but be sure to let me know if you begin having sex dreams about me. I want to know what happens in them," Steve said.
"Steve," Shawn warned, but I smiled. I knew he was only messing with me.
"Thanks again, guys," I said. "I can find my way down the stairs."
"You're welcome," Shawn said.
I let out a big breath as I walked down the stairs and out onto the street. I experienced a momentary sense of panic as I realized that someone might see me coming out of Shawn and Steve's apartment and suspect something was up, but I was being paranoid.
I seriously needed to lighten up on my gay issues. I was alone with Shawn and Steve in their apartment. Either one of them was easily strong enough to rape me if he wanted. Both probably knew I'd never tell a soul if they did because I wouldn't want anyone to know. Shawn and Steve weren't like that. I was perfectly safe alone with them. They hadn't solved all my problems, but maybe my dreams weren't such a huge deal.
I knew as I slipped into my car and drove home that I hadn't been entirely honest with them. It was nearly impossible that I was into guys, and yet a part of me was terrified of just that. Shawn and Steve were out and pretty much everyone was cool with it. Well, I'm sure there were those who weren't cool with it, but they didn't say anything. The truth was that if some part of me liked dick, I'd rather die than have anyone know.
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