Amazing Chronicles of Shota Boy
by Sam the Ham
Ralph patiently waited for the microwave to finish popping. As the number countdown went down to zero, he opened the door, grabbed the hot bag of popcorn without a problem. It was hot, but he just ignored that.
Nathan, his best friend, winced. "You don't feel pain, do you?"
Dumping out the contents of the bag into a bowl, Ralph took a second to answer the question. "I do, sort of. You know that. It's just I feel it, but it doesn't hurt. Besides, the popcorn isn't that hot."
"Yeah, well, I always let it sit for a few seconds. Anyways, you take it and I'll carry down the drinks." Nathan said, collecting the five cans of soda their friends had requested.
"No problem, it's going to be fun..." Ralph trailed off before putting the popcorn bowl back down. "My boner is tingling."
"What, now? Hello, sleepover at your house. You can't go disappearing." Nathan hissed.
Ralph gave a weak smile. "I'm sorry, I have to, it's a big one. Tell them my grandfather called or something."
"We're about to start the game. What am I supposed to say hey, let's not do this yet?" Nathan said, more annoyed than anything else.
"Play for me. You'll do fine." He smiled and turned his back, heading out the back door of his house. Nathan was a great friend. Ralph knew Nathan was getting annoyed, continually having to cover for him lately. He was going to have to make it up to him. That would have to happen later. Right now, his boner was telling him to run!
Perhaps, by now, dear reader, you are wondering what is happening. Well, the answer to that question goes back about two months back during that meteorite shower. What? Don't you remember that meteorite shower? Well, perhaps you can be forgiven for that. It happened the same night that a Hollywood power couple announced they were getting a divorce. An unexpected meteor shower versus a soft news story where you only need b-roll footage? It's not even a question.
That night though, as the meteorite broke up high in the atmosphere. It proceeded to scatter fragments of itself all over the Northeast of North America. An unusual number of meteors had ended up hitting the ground though most weren't big enough to do any damage. Those fragments radiated some strange power, though. People who kept fragments at a proximity of themselves started to change.
In the case of Ralph Robertson, he had been struck by one. The pea-sized object embedded itself just under his skin. He had barely noticed it at first, but the changes were impossible to deny. He became faster, inhumanely so. He found himself with the ability to ignore pain and he couldn't even cut his skin when he tried to do it. However, the strangest power was something you, at least quietly, refer to as his Justice boner. When there was trouble afoot his erection sprung to life and pulled him towards the danger.
Since gaining his powers two months ago, Ralph had battled several villains. The Principal had gone mad with power and had attempted to institute a school schedule that would have 365 days a year with 10-hour days. During that battle he had been given his superhero name by the Principle. Shota Boy acting the derogatory comment, but Ralph decided to own it and placed on his costume an S from that day on.
The Principal was part of the Down Under Men. He was Australian intending to breed an intelligent Army of platypuses to take over the world. Then there had been the corrupt local politician and real estate developer. He had stopped them from destroying the park for a condominium. Because even in the world with emergent super villains, there would always be assholes.
Of course, one thing his superpowers did not extend to was costume design. A red ski mask with a large S sewn onto it and a pair of swim goggles. The purpose of the mask was to obscure his identity. The goggles were to prevent his eyes from drying out when he was running. He may be able to ignore pain, but dry eyes were irritating.
Donning his costume, Ralph started to run. At first, he would look like a boy running, but he kept going faster and faster until he would look like a blur. He didn't know where he was going or how far you would have to travel but is Justice Boner never steered him wrong. Going as fast as he was, he didn't move just by running. Using his excess speed, he could jump over objects, which was very convenient to cross a six-lane highway.
When his boner started to turn, so did he. All he knew was he was getting closer. The itching sensation was almost like trying to reach a climax that he couldn't quite reach. Soon he found himself on the outskirts of what looked like the manufacturing area. At this hour of the night, there was little going on. His boner was pulling him towards one warehouse. There was a condemned sign out front, and the windows were boarded up. He attempted to go around it, but his erect penis pulled in that direction.
Ralph jumped into the air, his momentum carrying him to the second story of the building where the windows were. He easily smashed through one of the larger windows. Unfortunately, he missed his jump and smacked his head against the upper part of the window frame. Instead of making a dramatic entrance, he found himself tumbling down to the floor and landing in a heap.
Actually, he landed twice. The first time he landed on some large metal box of some sort. He rolled off that onto a concrete floor. Any other human would have been killed. However, he was no ordinary human. He took in his surroundings. The warehouse was massive, and it had rows and rows of computers.
Before he could even begin to wonder what was up, a voice called out from over a loudspeaker. "Good evening Shota Boy. I wasn't sure if you were going to make an appearance tonight. You are too late this time, though. I've already started uploading my virus."
Jumping up to stand on one of the computers, he looked around. The voice sounded familiar. "I know that voice. You were one of the Down Under Men henchman. What is he up to this time?"
"I am no longer working for that fool! He wanted to try his plan again only this time using echidnas. So obviously they are an inferior animal. No, you may call me Dr. Numb. It's a name that will be known far and wide come tomorrow. I will be known as the genius, who unleashed the virus that deleted all of the pornography on the internet!"
"What! That's mad, why would you ever want to do such a thing?"
Even as he spoke, Ralph started to run again this time trying to pick up enough speed to smash himself into one of the computers. Unfortunately, this had about the same effect as a wiffle ball hitting a brick wall.
Dr. Numb laughed. "You will find that these computers' hard case are like Titanium casings. You won't be doing any smashing up this time. They are also now running off batteries. By the way it's at 30%. Another few minutes and there will be nothing left online except for what it should be used for, research!"
He looked around to see if there was any way he could pull, but there seemed to be nothing. "This is madness! Why would you do this? Delete all the pornography think of the consequences. All the people you will hurt."
"Inconsequential materials. It will be a better world tomorrow. All thanks to me!" Dr. Numb shouted loud enough to be heard without a microphone.
Ralph's mind raced as he tried to think of some way to stop the computers. "You'll be destroying millions of hours of work, all that creativity. Dr. Numb, doesn't the world need creativity?"
"Oh yes, two girls one cup very creative. No, thank you."
"But what about sites like Nifty?" Ralph thought. "Thousands of creative authors, hundreds of thousands of readers all doing it for the love of their work. A site only supported by the kind and generous donations of its readers? Doesn't all of that hard work mean anything to you?"
"No, all that could be put to better work."
Ralph shook his head and knew there was no talking Dr. Numb out of his plans. He had to find a way to stop the virus uploading. That meant he had to find a way to destroy all the computers. There were so many though how could he find a way to destroy them. Even if he set the place on fire now, it would not be fast enough.
Then it hit him like a bolt of lightning. Last summer, the fan on his laptop had stopped working. He couldn't replace it right away, and his laptop shut-off as it overheated. He needed to create heat and that was something he could do. With friction!
Spreading his arms, he was able to touch two rows of computers at once and he started running and he didn't stop not once. It was difficult taking corners at that speed, but by jumping onto the wall he was able to make the terms. He tried to keep his hands in contact with the rows of computers. That created the friction, which created the heat, which caused the temperature to start to rise in the building.
The building may have had a state-of-the-art Sprinkler system installed, but those needed smoke to trigger them and he was pure heat. The temperature rose from a constant 72 to 80, then to a 100 and finally topping-out at 156 degrees. That was when the computers started turning off using their built-in Safety Systems to protect themselves.
The cursing from Dr. Numb, was lovely to hear. Ralph knew his work was not done. He had only stopped the upload permanently. Running out of the building, he quickly looked around the industrial area, searching for something flammable. He finally found two large blue diesel containers. Grabbing both, he took them back to the warehouse this time, jumping on top of the roof and dumping them on the roof.
He raced back and forth again, creating friction until the diesel ignited. Then he got out of there, taking the containers with him. He watched from a safe distance as the building started to burn. In the back of his head, he realized this was the first time he had committed something close to a crime. Arson, even if it was to stop an evil madman, was still severe. Yet, the building had been condemned. Finding all those expensive computers in there even if they were damaged beyond repair at this point would make the authority suspicious.
That was going to be a problem for another day though. Ralph started racing back home. Of course, the first thing he needed to do to do that was to figure out where he was. As it turned out, Ralph was an entire two counties over from where he lived.
By the time Ralph found his way home, an hour and a half past. Most that time was dedicated to trying to figure out where he was at any given point. He had to get a GPS one of these days. It would save him a lot of time.
Taking off his disguise, he slipped in through his back door. All the lights were off, and he wondered what had happened to his sleepover. He was about halfway to the basement door when the light flickered on.
"I was worried about you." Nathan said from where he was curled up in a comfortable chair.
Ralph smiled. "I'm okay. It was a complicated night."
Nathan slowly got out of the chair. Walking over to the other boy he wrapped his arms around the teenage superhero. "I'm sure. You're always okay. Just thought having a superhero as a friend would be more fun."
"I'm sorry. I had to go." Ralph said musically.
"I know, and I always cover for you. You know how hard it is telling our friends one thing and then intercepting your mother before she can come downstairs to check on us? I don't have super speed."
"I appreciate it." Ralph said.
"Right, well with all my running about and lying for you didn't pay you very well tonight and the game. You need to give everyone a BJ in the morning."
Ralph smiled to himself. He had one non-superhero power. He could get any boy to drop his pants if they spend enough time around him. "I'm sure you tried your hardest. How about I give you a thank-you BJ now and the one I owe you in the morning?"
Nathan considered it for a second. "I would say, get on your knees."
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