Throwaways
by SalientLane
Chapter 4
Jamie stood in front of the small mirror in their bathroom, barely recognizing the boy who stared back. Two months had passed since they'd pushed their beds together, four months since he'd gotten clean. His cheeks had filled out, his skin clear now where acne and sores had once mapped his desperation. The dark circles under his eyes had faded. Even his hair, freshly cut by the volunteer barber who came to the center on Thursdays, looked different – intentional rather than neglected. He ran a hand through it, still getting used to the shorter length. Behind him, Eli leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed.
"You gonna stare at yourself all day?" Eli asked, his tone teasing but gentle.
Jamie caught Eli's eye in the mirror. "Just making sure I'm still me."
"You are." Eli stepped forward, placing his hands on Jamie's shoulders. "Just... more you." He pulled Jamie against him, his arm across Jamie's chest.
Jamie nodded, understanding what Eli meant. He felt more like himself than he had in years. The drugs had dulled everything, wrapped his real self in layers of cotton and fog. Now, with each day of sobriety, he peeled away another layer, discovering parts of himself he'd forgotten existed.
"We're gonna be late for group," Eli reminded him.
Jamie turned away from the mirror. "Can't keep Dr. Chen waiting."
They walked to the east wing together, not holding hands—public displays of affection made some people at the center uncomfortable—but close enough that their arms brushed with each step. The familiar brick-walled room was already half-full when they arrived. Jamie nodded at Zoe, who'd dyed her hair blue since yesterday, and fist-bumped Marcus as they took their seats.
Dr. Chen arrived last, as always, clipboard in hand. "Good morning, everyone. Let's start with check-ins. Who'd like to begin?"
Silence fell over the circle. Check-ins were always the hardest part for most of them—admitting how you felt meant being vulnerable, and none of them had good experiences with vulnerability.
"I'll go," Jamie said, surprising himself as much as Eli, whose eyebrows shot up. "I'm good. Better than good, actually. I slept through the night without any nightmares, and I haven't had a craving in three days."
"That's excellent progress, Jamie," Dr. Chen said, smiling. "Thank you for sharing."
"Plus," Jamie added, "I'm pretty sure they're serving tater tots at lunch, and that always puts me in a good mood."
A ripple of laughter moved through the group. Jamie felt a small thrill at having caused it. He'd always been quiet, letting Eli do most of the talking, but lately words came easier to him. Eli nudged him with his elbow, grinning.
The check-ins continued around the circle, each teen sharing a brief update on their mental state. When it came to Eli's turn, he shrugged. "I'm okay. Not great, not terrible. Just okay."
Jamie glanced at him, concerned. Eli hadn't mentioned feeling down that morning. But before he could think more about it, Dr. Chen moved on to the day's topic: coping mechanisms for stress.
"We all face stressors," she began, "but we have choices in how we respond to them. What are some healthy ways you've found to cope with stress?"
"Exercise," Marcus offered. "Running till I can't think anymore."
"Art," said Zoe. "Drawing lets me get the bad stuff out of my head."
"Making people laugh," Jamie said without planning to. "Like, if I can make someone else feel better for a minute, then I feel better too."
Dr. Chen nodded encouragingly. "Humor can be a powerful tool. It allows us to process difficult emotions in a way that feels safe."
"Jamie's actually really funny," Danny piped up. "Yesterday at breakfast, he did this impression of Horlick that had us all dying."
"Oh yeah, do it now," Zoe urged, grinning.
Jamie hesitated, glancing at Dr. Chen, who nodded her permission. He stood up, squared his shoulders, and adopted the stern expression and rigid posture of the morning supervisor.
"Listen up, recruits," he barked in a spot-on imitation of Horlick's gruff voice. "Breakfast is a tactical operation. I want to see strategic butter application on those toasts. No jelly blobs on the table—that's sloppy work, soldier. And for God's sake, Parker, that's not how we drink orange juice in this establishment. Sip, don't slurp. This isn't Kandahar!"
The group erupted in laughter. Even Dr. Chen had to cover her mouth to hide her smile. Jamie sat back down, feeling a warm glow of satisfaction. Eli was laughing too, but Jamie noticed something tight around his eyes.
After group, they had an hour of free time before lunch. Usually, they spent it together in the rec room, playing ping-pong or just talking. But today, Zoe intercepted them in the hallway.
"Jamie! We're starting a game of Uno in the common room. You in?" She barely glanced at Eli as she asked.
Jamie looked at Eli. "Want to play?"
Eli shrugged. "Not really. You go ahead."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I've got some stuff to do. I'll see you at lunch."
Before Jamie could respond, Eli was walking away, hands shoved in his pockets. Jamie frowned, but Zoe was already pulling him toward the common room.
The Uno game quickly turned into a tournament. Jamie found himself at a table with Zoe, Marcus, Danny, and a new girl whose name he couldn't remember. They played hand after hand, trash-talking and laughing as cards flew. Jamie won more than he lost, each victory punctuated by increasingly elaborate celebration dances that had the others in stitches.
"Dude, you're on fire today," Marcus said after Jamie won his third consecutive hand.
"What can I say? I'm a man of many talents." Jamie fanned the cards in front of his face like a burlesque dancer with a feather boa, batting his eyelashes dramatically.
The new girl giggled. "You're a lot more fun than I expected."
"Than you expected?" Jamie raised an eyebrow.
She blushed. "Just, you know, I heard you used to be... different."
An awkward silence fell over the table. Everyone at the center had a before and after—a life on the streets and a life here. Jamie's before was notorious; his overdose had been severe enough to require hospitalization before he'd come to the center.
Jamie broke the tension with a wry smile. "Yeah, well, turns out I'm hilarious when I'm not actively trying to kill myself. Who knew?"
It was a dark joke, but it landed perfectly. The table erupted in shocked laughter, the kind that acknowledged the pain but refused to be defined by it. In that moment, Jamie felt powerful. Not like the false power the drugs had given him, but something real. He'd transformed something painful into something that connected them all.
By the time the lunch bell rang, Jamie had almost forgotten about Eli's strange mood. But as he entered the cafeteria, he immediately scanned the room for his boyfriend. He spotted him sitting alone at a corner table, poking at his food without eating it.
Jamie filled his tray and made his way over. "Hey, you okay?"
Eli shrugged, not meeting his eyes. "Fine."
Jamie sat down across from him. "You don't seem fine."
"I said I'm fine." Eli's voice had an edge Jamie hadn't heard directed at him in a long time.
"Okay." Jamie started eating his own lunch, giving Eli space. Around them, the cafeteria hummed with conversation and laughter. Marcus waved at Jamie from a table where he sat with some of the others from the Uno game.
"You can go sit with your new friends if you want," Eli said, following Jamie's gaze.
"I'm sitting right where I want to be." Jamie studied Eli's face. "What's going on with you today?"
Eli pushed his tray away. "Nothing. Everything's great. You're great. Everyone thinks you're great."
The pieces clicked into place. "Are you... jealous?"
"No." Eli scoffed. "That's stupid."
"Then what?"
Eli was quiet for a long moment. When he finally spoke, his voice was low. "You don't need me anymore."
The words hit Jamie like a slap. "What are you talking about?"
"Look at you." Eli gestured vaguely at him. "You're making friends, you're talking in group, you're doing all this stuff on your own. Which is good. It's good that you're doing better. But..."
"But what?"
"But where does that leave me?" Eli finally looked up, his eyes vulnerable in a way Jamie rarely saw. "Before, you needed me. I was the one who took care of you, who kept you safe. Now you're... you're fine on your own."
Jamie stared at him, processing. "Eli, are you seriously upset because I'm not a complete mess anymore?"
"No! I'm happy that you're better. I just..." Eli struggled to find the words. "I don't know who I am if I'm not the guy taking care of you."
Jamie reached across the table and took Eli's hand, not caring who saw. "You're my boyfriend. My best friend. The person I love more than anyone else in the world. That hasn't changed."
"But you've changed," Eli said softly.
"Yeah, I have. Thanks to you." Jamie squeezed his hand. "You gave me the chance to become this person. You saved my life so I could find out who I really am."
Eli looked down at their joined hands. "I just feel like... maybe you'll realize you don't want to be with someone like me now that you're doing so well."
"Someone like you?" Jamie frowned. "You mean someone brave and kind and loyal? Someone who saw me at my absolute worst and still thought I was worth saving? Yeah, why would I want that?"
A small smile tugged at Eli's lips. "You know what I mean."
"No, I really don't." Jamie leaned forward. "Eli, I love you. Not because you saved me, or because I need you to protect me. I love you because you're you. And that's not going to change, no matter how many jokes I tell or games of Uno I win."
Eli's smile grew slightly. "You're really cocky about those Uno wins, huh?"
"I destroyed them. Total domination." Jamie grinned, relieved to see Eli's mood lifting. "But seriously, I need you to hear me. Yes, I'm changing. I'm figuring out who I am without all the fear and drugs and self-hatred. But the one thing I know for absolute certain is that I want you by my side while I do it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Always." Jamie looked around to make sure no staff were watching, then leaned across the table and kissed Eli quickly on the lips. "Now eat your lunch before I steal your tater tots."
Later that night, after lights out, they lay together in their pushed-together beds. The center staff had long since given up trying to separate them—it had become an unspoken agreement that as long as they kept their door open during the day and followed all other rules, their sleeping arrangement would be overlooked. It was better than losing the two boys to the streets again.
Jamie rested his head on Eli's bare chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart. Eli's arm wrapped around him, fingers idly tracing patterns on his skin. This was Jamie's favorite part of each day—when it was just the two of them, when all the noise and doubts faded away.
"I get it, you know," Jamie said softly into the darkness. "Why you felt weird today."
"Yeah?" Eli's voice rumbled in his chest beneath Jamie's ear.
"Yeah. Everything's changing so fast. Sometimes I don't recognize myself either." Jamie traced the outline of Eli's collarbone with his finger. "But some things don't change. Like how I feel about you."
Eli's arm tightened around him. "I'm sorry for being stupid today."
"You weren't being stupid. You were being human." Jamie shifted, propping himself up on one elbow to look at Eli's face in the moonlight. "Besides, I like that I'm not the only one who gets insecure sometimes."
Eli smiled. "Glad my emotional crisis could be useful."
"Very useful." Jamie grinned, then grew serious. "You know what Dr. Chen said today in our one-on-one? She said relationships have to evolve as the people in them evolve. That if they don't, they break."
"So we're evolving?"
"I think so. You don't have to be my protector all the time anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't need you." Jamie laid his head back down on Eli's chest. "I need you more than ever, just in different ways."
"Like what?"
Jamie thought about it. "I need you to laugh at my jokes, even the bad ones. I need you to call me on my bullshit when I get too full of myself. I need you to remind me who I am when I forget."
"I can do that," Eli said, his voice warm.
"And I need this," Jamie added. "Every night, just like this. You and me, together. The rest of the world shut out."
Eli's hand came up to stroke Jamie's hair. "That's the easy part."
They lay in comfortable silence for a while, their breathing syncing up naturally. Jamie felt himself starting to drift off, lulled by the rhythm of Eli's heart and the warmth of his skin.
"Hey," Eli whispered just as Jamie was on the edge of sleep. "You really are funny, you know. Your Horlick impression was spot on."
Jamie smiled against Eli's chest. "Thanks."
"And I'm proud of you. For everything. I just wanted you to know that."
Jamie felt warmth bloom in his chest, a feeling so pure and complete it almost hurt. "I know," he murmured sleepily. "Love you."
"Love you too."
As Jamie slipped into sleep, he felt Eli's lips press gently against the top of his head. Whatever challenges came next—and there would be many—they would face them together, evolving side by side. Jamie was becoming more himself every day, and Eli was finding new ways to be by his side. It wasn't always easy, but it was real. As the night held them close, Eli finally understood: he hadn't lost his place in Jamie's life—he'd just found a new one.
Authors deserve your feedback. It's the only payment they get. If you go to the top of the page you will find the author's name. Click that and you can email the author easily.* Please take a few moments, if you liked the story, to say so.
[For those who use webmail, or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead: Please right click the author's name. A menu will open in which you can copy the email address (it goes directly to your clipboard without having the courtesy of mentioning that to you) to paste into your webmail system (Hotmail, Gmail, Yahoo etc). Each browser is subtly different, each Webmail system is different, or we'd give fuller instructions here. We trust you to know how to use your own system. Note: If the email address pastes or arrives with %40 in the middle, replace that weird set of characters with an @ sign.]
* Some browsers may require a right click instead
