Throwaways
by SalientLane
Chapter 2
Jamie stared at the ceiling fan spinning lazily above his bed. Three months at the crisis center, and he still couldn't get used to having his own bed. His own bed, three meals a day, hot showers, and classes that didn't make him feel like a complete idiot. He should've been grateful—he was grateful—but as he glanced over at Eli's sleeping form in the adjacent twin bed, a familiar ache bloomed in his chest.
The moonlight sliced through the gap in the curtains, casting a silver stripe across Eli's bare shoulders. Jamie swallowed hard and looked away. This feeling wasn't new, but it had grown stronger with each passing day of sobriety. Without the drugs fogging his brain, everything was sharper, more intense. Especially the way he felt about Eli.
Counselors at the center kept praising Jamie for his progress. Sixty-eight days clean. A miracle, they called it. They didn't understand that staying clean had less to do with willpower and more to do with the boy sleeping five feet away from him. Eli had pulled him back from the edge, and Jamie wasn't about to waste that second chance.
But God, he missed the streets sometimes. Not the hunger or the fear or the desperate search for the next high. He missed how they'd sleep huddled together in whatever shelter they could find, Eli's arm around him, their warmth shared like everything else in their lives. Here, with their separate beds and clean sheets, Jamie felt the distance between them grow wider each night.
He rolled onto his side, watching the rise and fall of Eli's chest. It had been Eli who'd held him through the withdrawal, who'd wiped the sweat from his forehead and talked him through the worst of it. Eli who'd never once looked at him with disgust or pity, only fierce determination. How the hell was Jamie supposed to not fall in love with him?
The word caught in Jamie's thoughts. Love. Is that what this was? This constant awareness of Eli's presence, this need to be near him, this ache when they were apart? Jamie closed his eyes, but it didn't help. He could still see Eli's face, the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, how his mouth set in a hard line when he was worried.
Their day had been ordinary. Classes in the morning, group therapy after lunch. They'd played basketball with some of the other kids in the afternoon, and Eli had high-fived him after Jamie sank a three-pointer. That simple touch had sent electricity up Jamie's arm. Later, they'd watched some stupid sitcom in the common room, shoulders touching as they sat on the couch. Ordinary moments that felt extraordinary.
Now, lying in his bed, Jamie felt cold despite the room's comfortable temperature. The counselors kept it warm enough that both boys slept in just pajama pants, no shirts. Jamie had always run cold, even before the drugs. Eli was like a furnace, radiating heat. On the streets, that heat had been survival. Here, Jamie craved it for entirely different reasons.
He sat up, heart hammering. What if he just asked? Made some excuse about being cold? Would Eli see through it? Would he care?
"Eli?" Jamie whispered into the darkness. "You awake?"
A grunt, then Eli rolled over to face him. "Yeah. What's up?"
"Nothing, just—" Jamie hesitated, his courage faltering. "It's kind of cold in here."
Eli snorted. "Dude, it's like twenty-two degrees."
"I know, but I'm freezing." Jamie wrapped his arms around himself for effect. "I always get cold at night."
Eli was quiet for a moment, and Jamie held his breath. Then the rustle of sheets as Eli shifted.
"You want to come over here?" Eli's voice was casual, but something in it caught Jamie's attention.
"If that's okay." Jamie tried to keep his voice steady. "Like we used to. For warmth."
"Yeah." Eli lifted his blanket. "Come on."
Jamie slipped out of his bed, the floor cool against his bare feet as he crossed the small space between them. He hesitated for a heartbeat before sliding under Eli's blanket. The twin bed wasn't meant for two teenage boys, but they made it work, shifting until they fit together like puzzle pieces.
Eli's skin was warm against his, and Jamie felt a flutter in his stomach. This close, he could smell the cheap soap they all used at the center, mixed with something that was uniquely Eli.
"Better?" Eli asked, his breath tickling Jamie's ear.
"Yeah," Jamie whispered. "Thanks."
Eli's arm settled around Jamie's waist, casual but secure. Something about the gesture felt both familiar and new. They'd done this dozens of times on the streets, but this was the first time they'd chosen it when they didn't have to.
"I missed this," Eli said softly, the words surprising Jamie. "It's weird, right? Having our own beds, but still..."
"I know," Jamie agreed, relief washing through him. "I missed it too."
Jamie felt Eli's chest rise and fall against his back, the steady rhythm calming his racing heart. They weren't just best friends anymore, or even brothers. This was something else, something without a name yet. But Jamie didn't need to name it. Not tonight. Tonight, it was enough to lie here in the dark, Eli's arm around him, their breath syncing as sleep began to tug at them both.
For the first time in months, Jamie felt completely at peace.
The silence between them was comfortable, broken only by their steady breathing. Jamie felt Eli's heartbeat against his back, a strong, reassuring rhythm. It would have been easy to drift off to sleep like this, warm and safe. But something inside Jamie was unraveling, walls crumbling that he'd built years ago. Here, in the dark, with Eli's arm around him, he found himself wanting to say things he'd never said aloud before.
"Eli?" His voice came out smaller than he intended.
"Mmm?" Eli was still awake, his fingers absently tracing patterns on Jamie's arm.
"Do you ever think about how we ended up here?" Jamie asked, staring at the wall across from them. "Not just at the center, but... together?"
Eli's breath warmed the back of Jamie's neck. "Sometimes. Why?"
Jamie hesitated, then turned to face Eli. Their faces were inches apart now, and even in the dim light, he could make out Eli's features, the questioning look in his eyes.
"I just never thought anyone would stick around, you know? Not after everything. Not after seeing me at my worst."
Eli didn't flinch or look away. "Your worst isn't who you are. It's just what happened to you."
The words hit Jamie hard. He'd spent so long believing he was damaged goods, something to be discarded. His father had made that clear enough.
"My dad used to say I was born wrong," Jamie said, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. "He'd drag me to church three times a week, make me pray to be fixed. When I was twelve, he caught me looking at some guy in a magazine. Not even porn, just some stupid teen magazine with a shirtless actor."
Eli's jaw tightened, but he remained silent, letting Jamie continue.
"He beat me so bad I couldn't go to school the next day. Told me it was God's punishment." Jamie's voice was flat, detached, as if he was talking about someone else. "When I finally told him I was gay, he said I wasn't his son anymore. That God had abandoned me, and so would he."
"Fuck him," Eli said, the words hard with anger. "Seriously, Jamie. Fuck him."
Jamie gave a small, humorless laugh. "Yeah, well. I believed him for a long time. That I was abandoned. That I deserved it."
"You didn't." Eli's hand moved to Jamie's face, his thumb gently brushing Jamie's cheek. "Your dad was the one who was wrong. Not you."
Jamie closed his eyes, leaning slightly into Eli's touch. "The drugs made it easier, you know? Made me not care that I was so fucked up, so unwanted."
"I want you," Eli said simply, and Jamie's eyes flew open. Eli's expression was serious, his eyes fixed on Jamie's. "I've always wanted you around. Even when you were high and impossible and driving me crazy. You're the only person who's ever..."
Eli trailed off, swallowing hard.
"Ever what?" Jamie asked, his heart beating faster.
"Ever made me feel like I mattered," Eli finished, his voice rough. "My mom was too drunk to notice if I came home or not. My stepdad only noticed me when he needed someone to hit. But you—even at your worst, you saw me. You looked at me like I was worth something."
Jamie felt a lump in his throat. "Because you are. You saved my life, Eli. More than once."
"We saved each other," Eli corrected. "My life wasn't worth shit before you. I was just existing. Surviving. I didn't care if I lived or died."
Jamie had never thought of it that way. He'd always seen Eli as the strong one, the one who had it together. But now he saw the cracks in Eli's armor, the same pain and loneliness that had driven Jamie to the streets.
"We're really messed up, aren't we?" Jamie said with a small smile.
Eli snorted. "Yeah, but we match. That's something."
They were quiet for a moment, just looking at each other. Jamie realized that Eli's hand was still on his face, and he didn't want him to move it.
"I used to think family was this thing you were born into," Jamie said softly. "This permanent thing you couldn't escape, even when it was killing you. But maybe... maybe family is something you find. Something you choose."
"Like us?" Eli asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Yeah," Jamie nodded. "Like us."
Eli's arm tightened around Jamie, pulling him closer. "Then we're family. You and me."
"You and me," Jamie echoed, feeling the truth of it settle in his bones.
They were more than the homes that had broken them, more than the streets that had nearly destroyed them. They were two people who had found each other in the darkness and refused to let go.
"You know what's funny?" Jamie said. "All those nights on the streets, I'd lie awake terrified. Of cops, of other kids, of freezing to death. But I was never scared when you were next to me. It's like... you make the world make sense."
"I know what you mean," Eli said. "When I'm with you, I feel like maybe the world isn't completely shit after all."
Jamie laughed, a real laugh this time. "Wow, that's so romantic."
"Shut up," Eli said, but he was smiling too. His hand moved from Jamie's face to his hair, fingers gently combing through it. The gesture was so tender it made Jamie's chest ache.
"We should sleep," Eli said after a while. "Early group tomorrow."
"Yeah," Jamie agreed, but neither of them moved to separate.
Instead, Eli shifted, adjusting his position so Jamie's head rested on his chest. Jamie could hear Eli's heartbeat, strong and steady. Eli's arm wrapped around him, protective and sure.
"This okay?" Eli asked, his voice a rumble Jamie could feel through his cheek.
"Perfect," Jamie replied, letting his eyes close.
They lay like that, tangled together in the small bed, their breathing gradually syncing. Jamie felt the tension drain from his body, replaced by a peace he hadn't known was possible. Here, with Eli, he wasn't broken or unwanted. He was exactly where he belonged.
As sleep began to take him, Jamie had one last clear thought: this was what home felt like. Not a place, but a person. His person. And no matter what came next, they would face it together.
In the quiet darkness of their shared room, both boys slept deeply, their faces peaceful and content, the world outside momentarily forgotten.
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