The Mountain that Smiled

by Rafael Henry

From the archive of Raphael Henry. [1992-2025]

'You don't seem very thrilled by the idea Leo?'

'Why should I be mum?'

'He's a nice boy. You know he is. And his mother is a good friend of mine. And they live so close. You might sound a bit more enthusiastic about him coming?'

Oh good, Roo's coming!

I learnt that word, that's to say, an alternative meaning of it, a couple of years ago, and when I hear it said, whatever the context, my face warms. I know it's happening and it does it because I'm terrified it will do it, therefore it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because you're scared something will happen, it does. My dear mother is talking about Roo, short for Rupert I suppose. He's just known to us as Roo.

'When's he coming?' I said, trying to sound like I don't care, my face feeling even warmer now.

'Friday afternoon, after school. I'm picking him up and bringing him home for his tea. Have you a game on Friday? Will you be home late?'

'No. I keep telling you mum, we never have after-school games on Fridays. Where's he going to sleep?'

'With you darling, if you don't mind. Now we've got Roger's old bed there's room for you both in that. It's five foot wide darling. I measured it for new sheets. It's the same size as mine and daddy's and we have no trouble keeping apart in it. With your smaller bodies you won't know he's there.'

'Maybe he snores, or……..all the time?'

'Or what darling?'

'I don't know. Maybe he does unsociable things in bed at night.'

'He's just eleven!'

'I'm twelve and a half. He won't like that. Anyway I don't think he likes me.'

'That's nonsense Leo. He does like you.'

'Does he know? About the sleeping arrangements? Anyway I might have unsociable habits.'

'Yes he does know. What unsociable habits darling?'

'I think I rubbed him up the wrong way last time we had him mum.'

And then I thought about that. What I just said. I had to turn away, my face instantly warming again. Rubbing up. How I'd like to do that.

I heard her clattering the dishes into the washer. I'm looking out of the kitchen window.

'You seemed to get on fine at the weekend. You played together very nicely. He's very happy with you Leo. Beth said he's very excited about coming.'

Oh really? Like he was on Hove beach last weekend. That was nice, poor lad.

'Yes he is, but I might not be so happy with him. He just gets dumped on me every time it suits his mother. I'm supposed to be the entertainer all the time. He just keeps asking me what are we going to do now and stares at me. I'm supposed to instantly know. He fiddles as well. Have you noticed? He's always fiddling.'

'All boys do that darling. It's his age. I'm sure you did. They can't help it. Things are going on and…….they just do it. They're not conscious of it.'

' What's going on then?'

'You'll have to ask your father. Anyway you'll know soon enough.'

'My father is never here to ask him anything, let alone things about boys' stuff. Has he gone off with anybody? His secretary or someone?'

'His secretary is a man darling. He's hardly likely to go off with him.'

'Oh. Is he handsome?'

'I have no idea darling. Isn't it time you did your homework? Or is that pile of books in my imagination?'

She always comes up with that one. In other words, isn't it time you buggered off upstairs?

All that time I've had my hand in one pocket, fiddling, ironically. There are, as it happens, a few things about Roo I actually do quite like.

I watched my mother loading the dishwasher. If I was a man I think I would fancy her, but I'm not, so that could never be an issue. A friend of mine does fancy women, as in women, not girls. My mum wears those leggings things that quite a few girls at school wear under their short skirts so you can't see their teeny pants. But if you look carefully, you can, at least the outline of them. You can see what the boys wear too, but they're different. They're not really pants at all, more like tight shorts. I wear those but Roo doesn't. He wears things like my dad wears, little brief things. I've seen his hanging on the clothes line mum has in the garden next to hers and mine, all in a long row. I like looking at a line like that. I wear what all the other boys wear, basically to fit in and be exactly like all the other boys in my class. The rule is, don't be different. Fit in. See what they wear and get the same. Then you're fine. Don't let them see what you're looking at in the changing room, otherwise you'll be labelled as……….something you don't want to be known as. Conformity is everything.

On the days we don't have PE or Games, I wear the other sort that Roo always wears because he doesn't have to worry about anything like that, like we all have to. Younger boys don't care what other boys prefer. They don't think about things like that, like I do.

I saw Roo naked the other day when mum and I took him to the beach. Mum told me to help him change into his swimming stuff by holding a towel round him. If I looked down I could see it. What a lovely sight that was. Roo could see I was looking at his smooth little worm. Any boy would look. Not just me. Boys always look to see what the other ones have, and if it's superior to theirs. Roo's is not superior to what I have in my pants. His is about half the size of mine, but a very tasty morsel indeed. A lovely little thing.

I get all my information from Gary. Gary Farr. He's the oldest boy in our year because he was kept back for some reason. He should be in the year above. Anything I don't know or am unsure about, I ask him, especially boys' things. He calls a penis a sex, as in 'my sex tingles'. He told me he got that from a book he found in his parents' bookshelf. Thus, from Gary, I got the idea of searching through all the books my parents had at home in the hopes I might find something interesting. The only one that fitted the description Gary had suggested was 'The Joy of Sex.' Next to it was another thinner book, and like the other one, with fantastic illustrations of men and women, called 'The Joy of Gay Sex.' Then, next to that was an even thinner volume entitled 'Pleasing yourself. A Guide for Preteen and Pubescent Boys and Girls'. Despite the title being a bit of a handful, it was a great read, but sadly lacked any visual material unlike the other two books for the simple reason that they can't publish images of boys and girls under the age of eighteen. Why not? The exist don't they? But the words were enough. What I would call inspirational . Gary is still a mine of information and once offered me a selection of what he called visual aids to achieve ever higher levels of enjoyment whilst alone in my bed. And the really important aspect of such activity; making it last as long as possible before……… you know what comes along. Gary called it 'edging'. Now, that is a hard thing to do. I've tried but find it virtually impossible. Once it starts, you want it so badly, you just have to complete the course. You just need to get there as soon as you can. I said need, not want. I'm sure mum doesn't really understand what boys need to do. It's the bedsheets they worry about. More washing. I've seen her turn my pants inside out and look. Gary quite technical in the terminology he used, like ejaculation . Everyone knows what that word means, but to mum's, according to Gary, they worry about it. I don't think my mum likes sperm at all, the very idea of it, especially the ghastly thought that their own child might one day produce his own, and worst of all, get it on the bedsheet. My dear mother knows I do it in bed, and I do get it on the sheets. If you have a wet dream, just as an example, it is on the sheet. There's nothing the average boy, if he's lucky enough to ever have a wet one, can do about it. I wish I had more of them. They are simply fabulous experiences. With me now, they are very rare things because……….I do it too often. That's what the book said. I don't allow my storage system, my seminal vesicle, to get full enough to require emptying in that entirely delicious way, and onto the bottom sheet.

I was eleven the first time Gary agreed to show me what a fifteen-year-old can do, in terms of ejaculation. I asked him about this issue and he seemed keen to inform me. I'm lucky to have an older boy to educate me.

'When do you finish lunch Leo?'

'About one fifteen.'

'Ok. Come down tomorrow to the far corner of the Field near the old cricket roller. I'll be behind that. Bring some tissues just in case I forget.'

I was beyond excited when I found Gary lying on his side in the long grass. I never found him attractive but as he was offering to educate me, I didn't say no.

'Do I have to do anything?'

'Not until I tell you. But be ready.'

If I wanted to see it in detail, I had to have my hand ready, in the right position and not too late. I was ready for it.

'You ok there?' Asks Gary, huffing and puffing.

I nodded, in my state of prepubescent shock. Gary was very amused.

'You don't know much do you.' He states. True.

I know a bit more now! Good old Gary. School is for learning, but not just about English and maths. The thing that is perplexing me is how does it squirt out so hard like that? I mean, what makes it do that? It's not at all like pee which you wait for and then it starts. This is different. Gary did about five squirts, all warm and faintly revolting. He said that he persuaded a girl to do it for him using her mouth. He said it was the best feeling in the world but she expressed her deep regret by almost throwing up.

'Why did she do that?' I ask.

'She was pretty good at it. Less than five minutes.'

'What happened to it. I mean where did it go?'

'Where do you think it went?'

'In her……….?'

'Yes! She didn't like it. You're gay aren't you?'

'Am I?'

'Your pants. Only gay kids wear those.'

'Do they?'

'Probably. They suit you.'

'Thanks Gary.'

'Do you like them?'

Gary's reaction to my underwear got me thinking all the way back to afternoon registration. I think he's right. If he is right in his psychoanalysis, then Roo is too. And Roo's coming tonight.

I looked at the kitchen clock. Half past four. He'll be here any minute. I'm trying hard not to let mum know I'm excited but I am. Very.

Four forty five.

'Darling. Are you there?' Mum shouts up.

'Roo's here darling.'

Oh good. He's come.

'Go up darling, Leo's in his bedroom.'

All this darling stuff I get from mum. It's so……..annoying. Even Roo's a darling now. Why couldn't she say 'The little shit is here.' Something like that. 'Your little friend is here Leo, that little poo bum you seem not to like. But I know different, you little liar. I saw you on the beach.' No, everyone has to be a darling. But Roo is. She's right. I think everything is going to work between us, me and Roo. And when I say everything, I mean everything .

It was on the beach, and Mum noticed. Roo had a hardon. It was caused by lying on those warm pebbles plus a little wriggling about. That does it for me too. We were lying down on our towels pretending not to look at each other, with about a foot between us. Then mum told us to come and get a sandwich from her. She must have seen but she didn't say anything. We'd been for a dip and changed out of our wet trunks. They hold you in far better than loose pants do. Roo's sex stuck right out. You could hardly miss it. It's as I mentioned above, smaller than mine but still very obvious. I've not seen his in the flesh like that but I'd like to in a less public context. Gary's right. Why would I want to see Roo all stiff like that?

Roo's come up, in the sense that he's poked his head around my bedroom door.

'Hi Leo. Can I come in?'

'Oh hello. Yes, come in, please.'

He's in his school uniform. He goes to a posh place in Brighton, unlike yours truly. They all wear short trousers, smart blazers, grey shirts and striped ties and dinky white pants underneath like all wholesome rich kids do. Actually, probably not. Most of them are filthy little oiks like the rest of us and who knows what goes on underneath that veneer of respectability. General throbbing like mine does. Roo asked me about that aspect of boys' sexuality on the beach.

'Leo, does yours tingle…….ever?'

'Umm, sometimes when it's craving my attention.'

'What does that mean?'

'When he wants………..seeing to. But they do have minds of their own Roo. They do stuff when you don't want them to.'

'What stuff?'

'Come up embarrassingly. Like in a lesson.'

'Come up?'

'Yes. Enlarge themselves with absolutely no excuse for doing so.'

Roo turns onto his side. Time to chastise the unfortunate.

'Good grief boy, what on earth have you been thinking about? That's very naughty.' I reprimanded the boy. I do a good reprimand .

'Is it? Sorry.' The boy says, apologetically.

'Don't be. Actually I think it's rather sweet. Seriously, have you been thinking about something?'

Roo nods his head.

'What exactly? Or can't you tell me?'

He leans towards me and tells me. Really? Wow! The sooner we organize a serious play date, the better.

Only joking.

Mum had told me a few things about dear Roo. He asks questions. Lots of them.

'What about?' I ask, looking up from my bowl of Shredded Wheat, one hand in my pocket, fiddling, because I woke up a bit late. That's my absolute favourite breakfast after Crunchy Nut Cornflakes which are banned from the larder for being way too sugary. Fair enough. I'd quite like to keep my teeth.

'Goodness, I don't know darling. Beth just said , that's all. You know about all that stuff by now don't you? Or should your father………'

'Yes mum, I do know. He's not going to question me on that subject is he? I do hope not .'

'I think he might. Beth thinks the world of you. I think she might need a bit of help darling. I don't think his school are really up to all that by the sound of things.'

'What about her? Can't she deal with Roo's inadequate education? You did with me. You were quite good on that subject, admittedly from a girl's perspective.'

'I had a book darling.'

'Well, can't you lend it to her? It was rubbish if my memory serves.'

Apparently not. And it was from a girl's point of view, therefore it was a bit useless. It was all about how to treat the girl unselfishly, never mind what you want from that ghastly humiliating process no boy worth his salt should have to endure. Gary is the one to ask about all that. He'll tell you all that you need to know, very willingly. Possibly too willingly.

Gary wanted to see mine as he got his closer and closer to squirting time. Mine looked very inferior to his in terms of length and girth but he told me it was a good one. How kind of him to boost my confidence like that. I certainly enjoyed watching him produce his goods which instantly made me do the same, but without the goods, sadly. Well, I did manage a bit more than a hint.

Ok, I'm ready for him, this Roo character, ready with both barrels. Or just the one? And then there's another shout from the command post below……..

'Darling, I'll need Roo's things as soon as you can get them off him please. He should come with some weekend things.'

'What if he doesn't?' I shout back.

'Lend him anything he needs, You've got tons.'

That's true. I hate throwing old things away. It's a way of keeping in touch with my past self. Socks can go, along with their holes. Other items……. not them .

Roo sat on the edge of my bed. I've no idea what he's expecting from me. Then the predictable question I had anticipated.

'What shall we do Leo?'

'Nothing Roo. We can chat for bit if you like. Tell me about your day?' I said as the boy casts his eyes around the room.

'What's in there?' He says, pointing at the tall cupboard in the corner, like an infant points, unable to use words.

'Clothes mainly. By the way mum wants to wash all your school stuff. Did you bring weekend togs?'

'Err, no. There wasn't any room in my bag. It's full of books and stuff. PE kit too. Can I look in your cupboard?'

The oldest stuff is at the bottom of the pile, the most recent acquisitions on top, which will also be the stuff that fits me now. Boys grow fast in every direction. There's one in my class six foot tall. He's thirteen, just. I'm just over five feet now, and Roo is quite small for his age, possibly, and slimly built. I could pick him up easily.

I have one sister six years older than me. Rachel. She used to pick me up, physically speaking, until I was around ten when I got too heavy to lift. That was fun. She's lovely. She's away at university normally, but right now she's in Greece on holiday with girlfriends. She's clever. She would carry me around, her hands under my bottom, all warm and cuddly after my bath. Finger tips up my bottom. That felt great. She always supervised my bath time. It did feel good, one hand right in the middle, in between. I would cling on, my arms around her neck. Sometimes we would settle into a chair with me still latched onto her, the same way. We would stay that way for ages. It felt so good with a towel wrapped around me. She liked it too. She said I had a lovely bottom. She would hold me up against her, keeping us both warm in just the way I liked it……….for ages. Then she would put me down and laugh and say things like; 'Go and look at yourself in the mirror, big boy.' She was genuinely proud of me.

I noticed Roo's attributes on the beach with him turned away from me; or when he lay on his lovely tummy with his bathing gear all tight around it, and into it. I just stared at this gorgeous thing, all plump and inviting. I was playing with my new phone, a smart one, recording the motion of the waves on the shingle, and the sound they make. Then Roo became my subject for a little photographic scrutiny. He didn't see, neither did mum. I suppose, thinking about it, I have a bit of thing for bottoms. Boys are way better than girls for bottoms; slimmer and……..I don't know, just neater. Tidier. Tighter even, if a boy's bottom could ever be described as tight? In the right pants too. I have views on that subject as well we might. Boys like us. I know well enough what I am, and what I strongly suspect Roo is too. Tonight I shall find out for certain. Right now he's going through my clothes, looking for something for the weekend. Well he won't find any of those thin g s in there.

Gary sometimes refers to a girl having a tight arse, a term I would hesitate to use. I asked him what it meant, exactly.

'Exactly that Leo. Tight. When you put your finger in it, it's tight. Tight is good Leo. More feeling. Just nice. More of a challenge to get it in.'

'You don't put it in there , do you?'

'Yeah. If she's on the curse you can. Mine loves it in there, and there are no consequences mate. Cheaper too. No johnnies required.'

Well how about that? He does make a good point.

I found one of those johnnie things in the family bathroom, on the floor, all unrolled. This was about two years ago. I knew what it was even then. There was Dad's sperm in it. He must have just done it with Mum and forgotten he'd left it on the floor. I held the thing up by the open end and against the light to examiner the contents which gradually slid down to the small end. My sex got bigger looking at it, thinking about the nice feelings he would have had which caused that stuff to be in there. Gary had told me about tossing yourself off. That's what he called it. Tossing off. I'd never heard of it before. I'd been playing for ages but never actually come. He taught me how. Did I enjoy it, thereafter, after my joint tutorial? I did. Of course I did. Gary couldn't come properly then, but he got something quite nice, a long strand of clear sticky, but nothing compared to his prodigious feat behind the cricket wicket roller thing. Holy smoke! I'm wondering about Roo now. Does he? Or doesn't he? I suppose it's for him to know; or me to find out? I know what I'd prefer out of those two options. Yes, you've guessed it, and I have every intention of finding out more.

Roo's been giving my clothes cupboard a good going over, inspecting everything from jackets and trousers on hangers, to all the small stuff, all in separate piles, neatly folded, including all the little kid's things that are too small now but which I like to keep for old time's sake. Nostalgia I suppose. Mum likes them too, even down to my old pants decorated with racing cars, footballs or a herd of tyrannosaurus rexibobs. So cute! My sex swell whenever I re-examine them.

'Can I borrow these Leo? And these?'

'You certainly may borrow those things Roo.'

'Do you still wear them?'

'Not any more.'

'Oh. Why not?'

'A bit on the small side now. I think they might cut me in half.'

'Why?'

'Try them on if you like? Anyway mum wants your stuff. Everything you're not actually wearing gets washed on Friday nights.'

'Yours too?'

'Yes. Now, if that ok with you?'

I'm putting him under a little pressure here. Roo looks at me, his hands getting to grips with his tie. So, here we go. But a little caution here?

'You don't have to undress in front of me Roo. Would you like me to go out for a few moments?' I ask, not meaning it, at all.

'No don't, please. I don't mind at all.'

Oh good. That's my boy.

The jumper next. I don't know why he's wearing one. It's quite warm. Then his shirt, pale blue that leaves him in his vest, sleeveless and ugly. I don't like those things. They remind me of crude ugly men who whistle at passing schoolgirls. Or used to, according to mum. No doubt they still think it, but can't express it these days, quite rightly.

Roo's looking at me with a half-smile because he knows what's coming next. Either his socks or his short grey trousers. I look back at him; and then down his body. He knows. He is actually a very aware boy.

The snake belt next, part of the prep school uniform. With that undone, it has to be the two metal clips that hold the waistband of his shorts together. Just a couple of seconds for that, and then it all comes down his legs and I get to see the boy in the last remaining article of clothing preventing me from seeing him as I need to see him. As I will see him, come hell or high water, in his glory.

I've seen it in our changing rooms enough times, boys undressing, as I am now, for Roo. Mum wants my things too. Roo is standing by the cupboard with his back to me, naked. Nice bottom, not a bubble by any means but getting on that way. Fulsome shall we say, and consequentially…….tight? With his feet apart too, teasing me, the little minx. I can see something between his legs, and just above, a shadowy line. I'm being shown , of that I have no doubt. Good boy.

'Put some pants on Roo, then you can take all this stuff down to mum. She's waiting for it. I've got a couple of things to do here. Go on then! She's waiting.'

Roo's a boy who does as he's told, so off he goes just as I have directed him. He is a good boy.

I helped him choose, of course. Roo needs direction. He always makes that clear. It's approval seeking, and his desire to please me at all costs. We've chosen an old pair of my play shorts. It's good to see those cute things in use again. I've got some old photos of me in them. I could never chuck them out. There's one I particularly like of me in those cute short shorts. I've got them pulled up hard and you can see that bit of me very clearly. Oddly, I can remember that day down on the Hove promenade in the sunshine. Mum looked at the photo when I showed it to her.

'You were such a pretty little boy; then, darling.'

I was a very pretty little boy then. That was then . My hair's gone darker, amongst all the other changes, but still no significant body hair thank goodness. No hairy legs, nothing under the arms, and nothing down there. There's some soft downy blond hair on my forearms, and a couple of blemishes on my chin appeared recently, but if that's all I have to put up with I shall be well pleased.

Then there's the issue of pleasing myself. Yes, that one. Gary again I'm afraid. I asked him about it and he went into methods. Whole fist or just fingers?

'Looks like just three fingers Leo, for you, and your thumb, like this.'

He shows me.

'Actually, just two might be enough, in your case.'

What a put down! Ok, I was a bit of a tiddler then, just like Roo is now. I'm a bit more fulsome these days, and in more ways than just any physical presence.

I gave Gary a couple of notes from my saved-up pocket money and he got what he suggested might help. What he called lube, and a latex prophylactic device out of his pocket in a square metal foil packet which he called 'a johnny.'

'It won't fit you now, but you can play with it.'

'I've seen one of those.'

'Where?'

'I saw one on the floor of the bathroom.'

'Had it been used?'

'Yes. There was stuff in it.'

'How much?'

'Tons. It must have been my dad's.'

'Have you got a mum?'

'Yes.'

It took me while to work out what Gary might have meant by his question. Was my dad a homo . Sorry; Gary's word. I think that's what he meant. Maybe I got that wrong but I certainly wasn't going to ask him. Sometimes I think my dad might be. Why? That's another story. About four years ago now. I thought it was a bit odd, what he did, and it wasn't just the one time either. Several times. And that other book about sex? The Joy of Gay Sex. Why is that on the bookshelf?

Gary told me to look in the drawer of my parents' bedside tables. His and hers.

'They usually keep what they need in there. When they're both out of the way, go and look Leo.' Gary said, so I did look. My mum's first. There was a thing that closely resembled the male sex organ, circumcised, about six inches long with prominent veins all around it, and a couple of plastic containers of some other stuff. There was something else too, a pink thing that looked like a stuck-out tongue, rounded at the other end with a wire attached which I recognized as a plug that goes into the side of a laptop. It was something you can charge up. Next, my father's. A black thing with two protruding sections, one much bigger than the other, quite plump with a silver control thing. There was another of those containers marked Knect, with small words saying 'gentle water-based lubricant', and several of those things Gary called johnnies . And something else in dad's drawer. An HP flash drive. Obviously I was curious about that so knowing there was no one to disturb me for the next hour at least, I plugged it in to my own laptop, something every school child needs these days, even if the school provides them for us. Mine doesn't. I have my own. No one else ever looks at it.

There was no security data to prevent me from seeing the contents of the portable drive. Gary had told me he had downloaded some material he 'used'. He stored it on an external drive just like the one I had found at home.

'What sort of thing Gary?' I asked, getting more and more interested.

'Parents don't give us credit for being far better at the tech stuff than they are, which is handy. To answer your question Leo, it's girls. Videos. With boys. Ok?'

'What do they do?'

'Oh, they play tiddlywinks. Jigsaw puzzles. That sort of thing.'

At first I thought he was serious, silly me.

'Fucking hell mate, don't you know anything? Sex. That's what they're doing. It's fantastic. And other stuff. Everything in fact.'

'Can I see it; sometime?'

'No.' Was his firm reply.

As it turns out, I didn't need to.

I'm sure no one will notice that I've borrowed both of those how-to-do-it manuals which I'm in the process of re-reading. In fact I've read parts of one of them quite a few times now. I'm not telling you which one gets me going the best. Well, going, and then coming, if you get my drift, as opposed to coming and going. The power of the word eh? Both books were fully illustrated with drawings that must have been done from actual photos. In a way the words worked just as well, and just as powerfully. Ample food for the imagination. The book told me exactly how to do everything I could possibly want to do with Roo, and maybe he with me? We'll see.

The external drive I had discovered contained sound files mainly, with a few video clips to put the sound into context I suppose. I tried to work out who the sounds were coming from, whether they were boys or men, or girls or women. I came to the conclusion that they were all from older boys and girls. Gary said they all had to eighteen at least but they didn't sound that old, some of them. All the dialogue sounded British English with the odd North American thrown in. There wasn't much speaking but there was plenty of the rest, with all the subjects experiencing the deepest satisfaction, eventually. It was all well worth the waiting to hear those highly emotive sounds. Often I'd come before they did. I had to take a few deep breaths, but I was still in a quandary about my father. In the video clips I looked at, around a dozen. I don't think any of them were acting. It all looked very genuine.

I replaced the external drive exactly where I had found it, but not before copying all the files onto my laptop to enjoy at my leisure with the intention of erasing them later, just in case. So far I haven't done that. I know I have to. I'm certainly not telling Gary any more about it, and not Roo either. Good grief, that would be a disaster. But the books; that's different.

I'd left them on my bedside table, the gay one underneath the other, expecting Roo to notice while I was in the loo for a few minutes. He's good at nosing around. He'll find them.

He did, just as I expected him to. When I get back into my bedroom, he quickly puts the book down, looking back at me guiltily.

'What have you got there Roo?'

'I saw it lying there. Sorry.'

'Why sorry? I found them in our bookshelves. I wondered what they were about. Are they interesting………at all?' I ask, looking hard at Roo who looks back at me, expressionless.

'May I see? Which bit were you looking at?'

'This bit.' Roo says, wide eyed and pink faced.

I sat next to him on my bed.

I turned the page. Something different. And then another. And another. Things they were doing with each other, the same things I had transferred to my laptop. I turned a few pages back.

'Do you think that's a bit………disgusting Roo?'

'What do you think Leo?'

'No, I don't think it is. It must feel nice, like that. Seriously, what do you think? What would you say if that person wanted to do that with you?'

'I think it would depend on who that person was.' Roo says, intelligently.

'True, I agree. They're not boys though. These people.'

'Aren't they?'

'I don't think so.'

'Can boys do that?'

'What could stop them, if they wanted to?'

'Nothing; I suppose.'

So, in theory, we could? If we liked each other enough?'

'So……do we?'

'I hope so. If you do?'

'I do. A lot.'

'That's nice. Me too. A lot.'

We looked at each other. I looked down at Roo inside his pants. Show and tell time. Right now he's showing nicely.

We smile at each other, having got that part over. More of the showing than telling because our story is just beginning.

I loved sitting in my father's lap staring at the TV. Another rubbish kids show usually, after my bath supervised by my big sister. With a towel wrapped around me. He would arrange me the way he wanted me, sitting across him, both of my legs over one of his, his arms holding me tight against him. Me on him. I could feel him under me. Then he would lift me up just enough and then lower me down again, my face against his chest, me, comforted by my thumb, my eyes closing with tiredness, soon to feel my warm bed, his loving hands on me, and to sleep until morning came.

Mum made us hot chocolate drinks. Roo and me. We agreed about everything, both of us looking at the book together. We had done our teeth. Dad wasn't home. Mum was downstairs for the rest of the evening. We were safe up here. Perfectly.

I showed Roo the little video I had made on the beach. Of him. He liked it. It made him smile that sweet smile of his, his mouth all full, rosy and shiny. His brown streaky hair all glossy, his bare body, all there. Like mine. Now we are two naked boys together. How very convenient!

'Do another one. Now.'

'Do you want me to? Really?'

'Umm. Of us both.'

I propped my phone up so we were both in it. It was Roo's idea to play a kissing game. Hands behind heads and real, real kissing. Like they did. The two people in the book, while they did the other thing, him with him.

I read the words to Roo, again. He wanted to hear the words from my own mouth. Say loving things to each other while you do it. Be kind to each other. Tell him you love him, and want him. Tell him you want him so very very much.

'Do you think we could?'

'Why not?'

'What do think it would feel like?'

'Ok, I'm sure. We would do what it said, slowly at first. Then it would be easy.'

'All that stuff first. Like it said?'

'Umm. We might like that. Then we could watch it later.'

We watched us kissing, and then we kissed again and felt each other. All over. Everywhere. Yes, even there, tightly.

'Shall we get ready, just like it said to do?'

I read the page again, out loud but softly, as we touched again, all so intimate and caring, so gentle. Everything as they said to do first, before anything else. Then it will be fine. It will all work just as we want it to. Then we'll sleep until morning comes. When it's over for me and him. The light will shine through the curtains as we wake together, a new light that has dawned on us, remembering what we have done and what we are. We shall look at each other, and relive the night before, perhaps. What we did and how good it was, or not? All because of how we feel. How we feel for each other, and work hard to find what we need. Do what we want to do. Boy with boy. Boy in boy. Boys that can know love. Even then.

'Morning Rupert! How are you darling? How did you sleep?' My mother asks, seemingly full of joy. But she isn't.

'I'm fine thanks, and…….'

'Leo darling, please see to Rupert. What would you like dear? We have most things. Leo, would you…..'

'Yes alright mum. I'll see to him.' I said with an emphasis on the alright , a typical boy to fussing mother response.

I felt my face warm, again. I'll see to him this morning. I woke with that urgent thought in my head. I'll see to him. He wasn't even awake. One part of him was, all hot and hard, and lovely. He rolled over as if he knew. Then he woke up and smiled at me, and felt me back. He has lovely hands, smaller than mine but soft and beautifully formed. I stopped and so did he. It's too soon. We mustn't waste anything. Save it.

'I thought the beach today. Will that be alright for you darling?' She says, looking at Roo, holding her precious tea fucking towel. Mothers!

'Where's dad?' I ask, looking up from my cereal bowl, one elbow on the table, contrary to the rule. I knew he hadn't come home last night.

'His meeting was extended so he stayed overnight. I'm expecting him back tonight darling. Don't worry.'

Don't worry? Why should I? I know I ought to be worrying. Worrying myself until I'm sick.

It was the way she said it. I know things have gone wrong. They have been going wrong for ages now. It's the way mum talks about it.

I looked sideways at Roo hoping he wouldn't notice me looking at him. He just kept looking down. He's beautiful. That pale olive skin and dark eyes and…….the rest of him too. Beautiful. The way he rises from sleep to readiness.

He has pants on under the pyjama bottoms I lent him. Just as well. Same here. We had to get up because it was late so we hadn't done anything. We were going to. It takes a while for the body to catch up with things. The feeling lingers on for ages wanting to be satisfied. Demanding until it gets what it needs. My body is like that, and so is Roo's. We talked about it and then fell asleep, both of us together, just like that, afterwards. After the second time of him asking and me saying………yes please. We talked about the morning and what that would bring. Something different, him and then me.

'You'll need to organize towels and swimmers Leo. I'll get a picnic together. An hour from now?' She says, glancing up at the clock. I can tell she's upset and on the verge of tears. It's been like that for a couple of months. Her, edgy, expecting news, and now she's getting it. Or got it.

She put the tea towel on the back of one of the kitchen chairs and left us in the kitchen. I looked up to see her walk quickly from the room. She's going upstairs to cry. It was obvious. I want to as well, cry, just to sympathize and be sad for her, and me.

I took Roo by the hand. That's important. His hand in mine. I knew it affected him because by the time we reached my bedroom and lay down he's mine again, compliant and fully aroused just as I am. That's why boys take boys upstairs; to do it. We kiss, clumsily and wet, hands hard around buttocks, searching and finding, pressing and probing, inside pants now. And so to the plan, thought about last night just before sleep took us both. We want to do it.

The boy made it look easy, with lips and tongue and then a whole mouth gliding up and down. Then back to caressing, round and round, along, and then upwards in perfectly formed strokes before repeating the cycle, gradually heightening the tension to the unbearable pleasure, moments before………

Roo wasn't so good when it came to returning favours. Why should I mind that? Love is not equal, love does not expect the same in return. Necessarily.

'Sorry Leo. I………….'

His words melt away in my mouth as my crisis approaches, brought about by Roo's right hand, or will be in just a few moments from now.

I told him not to stop, but to go on well beyond what was visually obvious. I try to be quiet. He looked at the warm bare skin of my tummy. We both looked, two well satisfied boys. Roo looked, assessed, felt with finger tips, and then it was gone. That was interesting; a boy who is prepared to do that. One's own is good, but another's?

We kissed once more, as we shared the fruit of love.

We were ready by the time mum came down, appearing to be recovered as mothers can only do. A brave face, but I know the dark clouds are hiding the sun.

I turned to Roo who was looking at me. He knows.

I felt his hand squeeze mine again, as the irresistible pressure behind my eyes grows.

Just stay with me; please?

Exactly one year later.

'Happy anniversary Leo!'

'Thank you and ditto to you.'

'I love you.'

'Thanks Roo.'

A pause.

'Aren't you going to say anything?'

I smile, and then……….

'Love you too.'

The boy smiles and presses just a little harder.

'What do you like best about me?'

'About your personality? Or your physicality?'

'Both.'

'Which one first? Or would you like to start with me?' I said, eyebrows raised as I look into his face, just a few inches from mine.

'I like your sexuality Lamorna.'

'Don't call me that! How did you find out about that name?'

'Your handsome father told me.'

'Did he? When were you talking to him? And who said he's handsome?'

'I did. I think he is; very. And it was last week, when we went to the beach. Your mum couldn't go so he took us. Are you glad he's back now?'

'Of course I am. Roo, I need to get this clear in my head. Exactly when did you talk about me; with him?'

'You went off to King Alfred baths to find out about joining the swimming club there. It was almost an hour before you got back. I sat next to him on his towel and we got chatting. I like him. He's very nice. He said how much he loves you and how sorry he was about walking out on his family. I believe him. I asked him why he did. Do you know why?'

'Umm. When he got back he sat me down a day later and we had a long talk. I had found out something about him. He likes you by the way. We talked about you.'

'Did you tell him? About us?'

'No, not to start with. Then I did. He knew of course.'

'That I come for sleepovers?'

'Yes. Anyway mum would have said you did.'

'I was thinking about you Leo. I was lying on my tummy, like we do together. You know what happens don't you?' Roo says, smiling sweetly.

'Like we are now by any chance?'

'Yes. He asked me something so I turned onto my side towards him.'

'You're too far away Roo. I can't hear what you're saying properly.'

'Shall I come closer?'

'That would be better. There's room on my towel. Come on. I won't bite.'

'So I went and lay next to him. I couldn't help noticing.'

'Your skin's burning Roo. You need a bit more cream on you.'

'He had the bottle in his hand. Then he tipped it up, right in front of my face. A couple of short squeezes and it all shot out into his palm.'

'Oh dear. Look, I need to get rid of this stuff Roo. Are you ok with that?'

'I just nodded. I knew what he meant.'

'Excellent. Let's do your back first, and then your front.'

'So he did?'

'Yes. I just let him do it.'

'And did you like him doing that to you?'

'Yes. Sorry. Are you angry with me?'

'No. Of course I'm not. That's just him. He talked about you. As I said Roo, he likes you and he's really pleased that we're friends; like we are. Friends in that way.'

'Good. I'm glad he knows.'

'Mum knew all along. She loves you too. Does that make you feel good?'

'Oh yes it does.'

A pause.

'Did you ever get into your parents' bed? When you were younger?'

'Sometimes.'

'Did you get in between them? I did.'

'Yes, so I could get cuddled. I'd go to sleep again.'

'What about you? You don't still do that do you?'

'He brought me a cup of tea soon after he came back. Mum was on an early shift at the hospital that morning. He said that he wanted to talk to me when mum wasn't about so I went into their bedroom. I got in with him. He gave me a lovely kiss and cuddled me. It was like that when I was younger. I'd sit with him in a chair after my bath, wrapped up in a towel, my head on his chest, all warm and……..'

'And what Leo?'

'I don't know. Just, all warm and……..'

'What did you talk about?'

'The reason why he left us. He wanted me to know so I might understand why he did it. He said it had nothing to do with not loving us. He would always love us. But something had happened. Something he could do nothing about. Something very close to home. Very close. He told me something else too. He's not my father. I always thought he was, obviously. You do don't you? The man your mother got married to? You just assume.'

'I suppose you do.'

'I don't look anything like him, now I think about it. It's a very weird feeling.'

'What is?'

'Right from the beginning, my earliest memories, I always thought of him more as a friend rather than a father. That's really strange don't you think Roo? Sitting in his lap like that.'

'Like what Leo?'

'Mum was always cooking our meal at the same time that I had my bath so dad saw to me. There was a wicker chair in the corner of the bathroom where we sat. He would drape the towel around my shoulders and carry me to the chair. He would arrange me how he wanted me with both of my legs over both of his, me leaning into him. Mum hated me sucking my thumb but he let me do it. He let me do it Roo. I wanted to tell you. He let me do it.'

'Is that all you're saying Leo?'

'Yes. Has he ever……..with you?'

'No. But I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Let you do what?'

'You don't sound very sure?'

'No he hasn't, and that's all I'm saying.'

'But you think he might want to?'

'He came onto me Leo, a bit.'

I didn't want to respond to that, so……

'I heard mum talking to him after he came back to us. It wasn't an argument or anything like that, but voices were raised, especially hers. I heard the words……on condition that you…….but I didn't want to hear any more. It was obviously a very private thing between them. Where did this thing happen Roo?'

'When you went to the baths to find out about the Shiverers membership. Like I told you. I lay next to him. He creamed me up……sun cream, like your mum does me, or you.' He says, smiling.

'Oh gosh. You didn't; did you?'

'I already was.'

'Where did he put the suncream. Everywhere?'

'Yes. He said that the the lowest part of my tummy might catch the sun so he pulled the front of my pants down to do that bit. They got caught so he pulled them right forward and then did it.'

A long pause ensues before Roo goes on.

'He is handsome isn't he.'

'Yes, I suppose he is.'

Saturday, one week later. Leo's mother, Beth, is on early shifts this weekend so she's not at home. Leo's father is.

'Hi Roo. I wasn't expecting you until nine?' I said.

'Sorry, I thought I'd come early Leo. I forgot you were walking the dog.'

'Did you? I always go for a long one on Saturday mornings. It's weird, he always knows it's Saturday. How could a dog know something like that?'

'Intuition probably. They sense something is different don't they?'

'I guess they do. They must get it from us humans.'

'Umm.'

'What have you been doing then?'

'Oh, just hanging out.' Roo says, not wanting any eye contact.

'Do you fancy coming up to my room for a while. Usual Saturday morning stuff? You look nice by the way. Quite interesting. You look a bit……..expectant.'

'I thought maybe a walk?'

'I've just been for one Roo. I rather fancied something different this morning.'

'Ok then.' The boy says, finally meeting Leo's stare.

Half an hour earlier. Leo has been gone a while now, and not expected back.

' Are you alright there Roo?'

'Umm. I just……..'

'You haven't………before? I thought you had? I just assumed.'

'No, not like that .'

'Oh sorry. I thought that you……….'

'I have, but not like that.' Roo says, breathing hard and still open-mouthed.

'Get dressed in a minute? No hurry if you need more time? Leo is never back before nine thirty.'

The boy nods, sitting up now, one arm supporting himself. He swallows again.

'It won't hurt you, if that's what you're thinking?'

'I know.'

'There's still time for you, again, if you want? I'd like to, otherwise it's not quite fair is it?'

The dog has barked at something.

The next morning.

Roo had woken early, probably because he had gone to bed in very good time, for him. He lay there, warm in his bed, his hand where it always was when he became more conscious of it. There it is again, that faint tingling feeling. His mind goes back exactly twenty four hours. He looks at the bedside travel clock as the second hand ticks on. Ten to seven. He had been expected so there was no need to knock. When the door opens, he feels those fingers through his hair, his hand held lightly as he led him up the stairs and into the warm room. He looks down at the figure in front of him. It had been his suggestion; the boy's own idea. It would never have happened if he himself had not muted the plan. What was it; curiosity I suppose, mainly? The real deal. Oh yes, he knew he wanted that and that alone. To be alone with it, with him, the real deal.

And then the undressing and how he did it. And by the time he had, Roo was more than ready for him. What a pretty sight he made as he stood there smiling, erect and sublime.

He literally jumped into his arms just like he used to do, arms enfolding him, hard around him, supporting him. That was the exciting part, being held like that as he clung on, the two warm hands underneath him like that, his face against a chest that felt like a rock face, a nipple hard and protruding like it was.

The boy looks down and sees it, the thing he desires most in the world, at this moment; and it's his. All his.

He touched it with his tongue and felt the hands grip him harder. So he keeps on doing it, round and round he goes with the tip of his tongue, those hands around him more mobile now. Much more mobile now, up and down his back before returning to where they were, feeling and probing in that funny way he knew so well. One hand doing one thing, the other, another thing. The two things together, in tandem if you like, and how that works so well.

He clings on harder to the firm tall figure, the real deal that he certainly is.

He looks down and sees it, the focus of his plan. Just once? It won't hurt, just once, surely?

He feels his body lowered gently down, all gone floppy, told to relax; and to enjoy.

It was all done by hands, lips and tongues, as he lay on top of the mountain, top to tail you might say, the way he was carefully placed for their mutual enjoyment, and their mutual satisfaction that eventually came for them both. Tongues, lips and mouths, enclosing, coaxing, teasing, as their moments approached. Roo thought it would never come, but it did. Oh yes. Quite suddenly and unexpectedly, there it was. It came at a certain moment, when the mountain moved and itself brought forth its fruit, in waves, flowing like an everlasting stream, sweet and warm, for him, just for him, to fill him fully.

He couldn't hold it all, all warm and sweet as it was. But it was all his doing, no one else, just his doing. He had learnt the way, the best ways, and well enough as things turned out, well enough. He had had no warning. The shock of it was real enough, the reality of it, the real deal that he had wanted ever since he saw it that first time, the waves lapping below them. So now the boy knows. He knows what it's like, when it happens, when the mountain gives up its secrets. The mountain he's climbed and lain upon, and brought satisfaction to. Such deep satisfaction, just as his was, all done by tongues, and lips, and mouths, and hands through his hair, and then finally those grateful kisses, tummies sliding hard together, full and warm, and loving.

Such simple beauty.

'Are you alright there?' The concerned but smiling mountain says to the boy who is wide eyed, open mouthed, pearls amongst white teeth, and breathing hard.

The boy nods a few times, noticing the small spider on the outside of the window, climbing up his web, about to consume his prey.

And so this short story, in memoriam, and from his archive, concludes.

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