The Day Thou Gavest

by Rafael Henry


I don't know why it does but it always makes me sad……that hymn…….there's something blissfully mournful about it……sad, yet joyful, and made all the more poignant by those who sing it in a place like this. They say your schooldays are the best days of your life don't they? Or some do. Well, if they said they are the most intense, I might agree with them. Mine were. I'm not hung up with it all, although one person I need to talk about is very hung up with it all, and it occupies my thoughts quite often. There are two reasons why that particular hymn has that effect on me ……the one mentioned above, and the other…….the last time I sang it in the Abbey which was also the last time a very dear friend of mine sang it in that place, or to be more accurate, tried to sing it but was clearly incapable of doing so.

Yes, they were intense times emotionally for me, because I spent a fair proportion of that time in love. During the particular period I want to tell you about, or rather need to tell you about, I was in the unenviable position of being in love with two boys, one younger, and one quite a bit older.

So what does 'love' mean to a thirteen year old boy like me then? It means caring for and being cared for by another, and being free to talk about anything you need or want to without fear of ridicule or being reported to others who might wish to hurt you in some way for what you have said…….and lots of other little things that matter to a boy my age. There's something else too…….something that we never talk about to other people, and it concerns our sexual feelings.

I think most boys have feelings of that nature, although I accept that some boys don't seem to, or if they do, they keep them very well hidden. I have them as you might have gathered, and I do keep them very well hidden. With them, I…….or rather we…..share them together completely, or as completely as we know how…or dare. So what I'm saying is…….we not only share our feeling that we have concerning each other…….we actually want to touch each other in a sexual way….but I haven't yet with Elliot….not yet, but it's a painful yearning.

This might sound rather dirty and smutty, and something done quickly in a cupboard, loo, or somewhere like that….but it's not I can assure you. It's not something we want to do and get it over with fast and then forget it as soon as it has happened. No….it's something lasting and something to savour and look forward to. Of course this kind of relationship doesn't need to be sexual and very often it's not at all…it's friendship taken a bit further maybe…….friendship that becomes a deeper thing where touching and feeling is a logical extension……and then it moves into something that I need and want from him……and I hope…….and think he does from me……to be intensely physical with each other. With the younger boy, it became a sexual thing quite quickly….with the older one, it was a much longer process and I have to say very educational in terms of what he taught me, which in turn, enhanced the experience Elliot and I had together.

I was attracted to Elliot when I first saw him as a new entrant, and in my boarding house. I will describe him in detail later, but, suffice it to say he is a very attractive boy in lots of ways….and he ticked all the boxes for me alright. In fact I couldn't take my eyes off him whenever he was around, like waiting in the queue at breakfast for example….standing and holding himself very beautifully upright, perhaps a hand in his pocket emphasizing his form in that delightful way that only boys like me will appreciate. We did exchange glances…..our eyes met as they say……and I wanted more, so I get in conversation with him at odd moments which leads to longer meetings and then we exchange some more personal information like 'where do you live?' and so on, and then it's a case of 'do you want to be friends?'. He did, and so we are.

He's two years younger than me which is a bit awkward socially, but by no means impossible……..especially as we have something important in common. He's an Abbey chorister, just about, and so am I. This means that it is a given that we will associate together, even though he's a younger boy. Normally such an association, or friendship even, would be regarded as suspect by most of the others…and the Housemaster in particular who is on the watch for, shall we say, dangerous liaisons? My friend Elliot does have a problem however. His attitude is not good towards the 'system' as it operates in this place, in fact it is sufficiently bad for the Master of the Music at the Abbey to be on the point of kicking him out of the choir. If that actually happened, that would not be good for Elliot. Basically, he's a bit unloved.

Elliot's people live abroad and he feels abandoned here, and he's very resentful towards everything and everyone…..apart from me that is. He needs me for the love I give him……he makes me laugh and he makes me cry, and everything in between, and I can't bear to think that he won't be standing next to me in the choir stalls in the Abbey making the sounds that he does….effortlessly and with a serene control and tone beyond the capabilities of anyone else, especially me.

A month ago I think it was, I needed some advice about what to do to help Elliot, and without him knowing, so I went to a person I thought I could trust and who had had a similar musical experience. Raphael Kelly is the Head of Ferring House, which is one of five Houses in the school and the one of three which contain all the boarders, and the buildings that house them are situated right next to the Abbey, and on the edge of the campus. Kelly, as we usually call him, although usually it's 'sir' even though he's a pupil just like the rest of us, is known to be kindly disposed to the younger brethren, and very 'human' in his running of the House. I was hoping he would at least listen to me. He did. I saw him one evening between wash time and lights out as he was passing down a corridor on one of his nightly patrols…..

'Sir…….can I talk to you about something please?'

'Hello Morgan……yes of course. Now…..or tomorrow sometime?'

'Err……as soon as possible really…..sorry sir.'

'Oh…..ok…now then? Come down to my study Owen. We can talk properly there.'

He must have been in the gym this evening or something like that because he was still in his sports kit……maybe badminton or something like that. As soon as I was in the small space called a study that each of the senior boys had to themselves, I felt nervous. It was the place you might be summoned to if you had done something wrong, before possibly ending up in the Housemaster's study if it was a serious matter. The prefects dealt with day to day disciplinary issues.

RK sat down in an easy chair by a table and I stood in my pyjamas in front of him, just a couple of feet away. They were my red ones….the ones with an elastic waist band and no hole at the front, not the ones which did up with a string. I was growing out of them fast, and the top part didn't meet the bottoms which were by now a bit on the small side. I had the same pair since I got here over a year ago now. Standing there, I suddenly became self- conscious when I saw him look at me…..just for a moment. I was looking at him and I saw his eyes go down my body. I instantly looked down to check why he had looked at me there. Put it this way…..he could see something, or was he just having a look?

I'm at that age when my penis hasn't got all long and droopy like some of the older boys I've seen. Mine's still at that sticky out stage. I'm not saying I haven't grown at all, I have. RK just smiled, and I smiled back not knowing why he was smiling. Some boys always notice when another boy looks at that part of you. Oddly, I was pleased that he'd looked. I realised why later……reflecting on our conversation later tucked up in my in bed.

I wanted to talk to him about Elliot, and the situation with the choir. He listened to everything I had to say, nodding occasionally. When I'd finished he just said…..

'Thanks for coming to tell me this Owen. Let me think about it overnight ok? I'll see you tomorrow about it. We'll do something….definitely. Sometimes we need to stick our necks out when a friend needs us, don't you think? That what friends are for, and I can tell you care about him and I really like that. One thing though…….I want you to tell me everything you know about Elliot…and exactly why you are friends. Will you do that for me Owen? It's going to help me work out what to do.'

I did as he asked……very honestly because I felt I could trust him, and just wanted to tell him how I was feeling. I'm an emotional boy…..I can't help it, I just am. I'm afraid I let myself down a bit.

Later, in bed, my face went hot because I thought I had been a bit too honest about why Elliot and I were friends. I just wanted to tell him. There was only the one chair in there so I had to stand all the time, and when I left, he got up too. I noticed his shorts. I had noticed him in those shorts before and they're really nice ones. I always look at the older boys' shorts when they go off to games, or the gym or somewhere. Quite often you can see something quite interesting. I'm not the only one who does it. I think one or two of the seniors do it deliberately.

When he stood up you could see his front. I'm sure he saw me looking, but I don't care if he saw me looking. I'm excited now……I think he likes me. I've always wanted him to like me. When I think about him I can feel nerves in my tummy. He's asked me to see him again tomorrow.


Hmm……what a nice chap Owen is, and unusual for a junior boy to want to talk so openly and honestly to a senior boy, especially his Head of House. Interesting……..and to admit, if that's the right word, to such a friendship…..almost a cry for help…..well it was a cry for help, literally. Poor little boy……life can be so complicated at that age. Believe me, I know how difficult relationships can be.

I want to help, that I do know. Why do I? Well, I have to be very careful these days. I can't take chances like two or three years ago…….not in this position………Head of House and all that. After all, I'm in the position I wanted to be in, and worked very hard to get there too. I'm effectively in charge of this place, with all the power….the power to do good I like to think. I do like it……particularly when a boy like Owen stands before me baring his soul because he trusts me and has the courage to come to me like that. Of course I know of both of those boys because I still have contact with the choir as an ex-chorister myself, and I still attend evensong reasonably regularly. It's in me….the music……I can't just leave it behind…….it's ingrained.

Owen looked so cute in his pyjamas with his little bit of tummy showing…….and I'm also sure he knew he could be seen quite. There's a fashion around here for walking around with you pyjamas very loose around the waist so they're almost falling down. It's one of the silly games the juniors play, trying to tease the older boys. By the look of him, he's at that transitional stage just a bit before puberty. He was showing me for goodness sake wasn't he? Maybe I've got that wrong, but I might take it a bit further though. There could be dangers here, so I should resist any kind of temptation when it comes to a younger boy but……anyway, I'll find out what the problem is with Elliot and choir……Mr Ansty will tell me.


R K, that's Kelly's initials. I got a message that RK wanted to see me after prep. Prep is that period after we have tea when we have to sit in a classroom and do our homework in silence under the watchful eye of a prefect……an unpaid teacher in other words. My stomach turned over when he told me. I had agreed with a friend of mine, Mason, that we would play off our badminton ladder game then, but I'll tell him I'll be a bit late…… and I need to go to the loo badly……nerves probably.

I had to wash properly afterwards… was one of those. You get really sweaty in badminton so I couldn't risk anything that might get noticed in the cleanliness department. Badminton is very fast and bloody exhausting and if you've got pants on under your white shorts and you get really sweaty…..well you know. I've got a good system. I put a towel between my legs on the floor, and then get my flannel in some hot water and then squeeze it out, soap my bottom, and then wipe it off with the flannel, then rinse out the flannel. When the soap's in my bottom, I use my fingers…….I can feel it really well…….it's nice. In the bath I do the same thing……I can put my finger right in…..right inside. I told Elliot I was seeing RK but I didn't tell him why. He'd have gone mental.

Elliot isn't keen.

I would hate it here if it wasn't for Owen…….and bloody choir too if I'm honest. I hate all of it apart from Owen. I saw his willy in the changing rooms the other day…..all pink and smooth it was….quite fat at the end. He didn't exactly show it to me but he knew darn well I was looking. Nice. He's my bestest friend ever, and the only person I can get on with around here. I don't even want to be here. Owen keeps on about how I'm feeling, so I say ' what do you mean…… I'm feeling ?'

I know how I'm feeling alright. I know what I'm going to do. Owen says he's in the gym this evening playing a badminton challenge. I'm going to get changed and watch his game with Mason, and then get a game after that hopefully.


Mason's a bit of prat in my view. I've decided I'm going to demolish his little castle in double quick time.

I beat him fifteen three! He went off in a bit of a huff just because he lost. He hasn't showered or anything, smelly bugger. I can't say I like him much. Elliot was watching. I loved that……him watching me leap about all over the place…….my friend……my real friend……when he's ready to be. I hope it's soon because I don't think I can contain myself much longer. He had his kit on……..he looked lovely, sort of squatting and then lying sideways but sitting up at the same time? Every now and then I smiled at him and he gave me a sort of furtive wave…..just a bit so Mason wouldn't notice. I wanted to go over to him right there and then. He has gorgeous long legs, still quite brown from his summer holiday, all the more beautiful because of his slightly olive skin colouring I suppose. I'm sure he doesn't realise it but from certain angles he's giving me a rather nice view, which as it happens nearly put me off my game. In these gym shorts of ours I think it's difficult not to show stuff off when you sit like that. I'm going to get this over with as soon as I can.


Owen's good at this game……..really good. I hope that Mason makes himself scarce when they've finished. I've got a plan but it depends on him going……he's beating him hollow…..good. Another five minutes I reckon and it'll be over.

I hurt my shoulder just now. I banged into the bloody door post… really hurts.


Thank goodness Mason's gone. Elliot and I went down into the changing area which is directly below the gym. We were alone. He'd managed to hurt his shoulder somehow and was holding it with his right hand and looking and acting a bit sorry for himself. I think he's faking it, and if he is, I'm pretty sure it means he wants some attention beyond the verbal kind. I've waited long enough…….I'm going to try my luck.

'What have you done to your shoulder Elliot…..are you ok?'

'No I'm not Owen! It bloody hurts if you must know.'

'Do you want me to look?'


Owen looked at me oddly when he offered to look at my shoulder. He asked me if I wanted to take my tee shirt off so he could get a proper look. I said it hurt to take it off, so he did it. I looked at him straight in the eye while I put my arms up so he could lift the shirt over my head. My hair was roughed up or something so he smoothed it down. That was nice. I tried not to breathe quickly, but I just couldn't help it. He took it off really gently and put it carefully on one of the hooks above the long wooden bench. He held my bare right shoulder with his hand and gently felt the other one, moving his hand all around it.

'Does it hurt when I do that?'

'A bit. I don't mind though.'

His hands felt lovely on my skin. He kept on massaging my shoulders, both of them, for ages.

I had my hand together in front of Owen's tummy, and I could feel it…..over his tee shirt. I felt his tummy move when I did it. It was lovely to feel him like that. He didn't move back or anything when my hands touched him so he doesn't mind. I want to feel his skin. Owen looked down at my hands.

'What are you doing Elliot? Why are you doing that? Do you mind what I'm doing to your shoulders? Shall I stop?'


Do I mind? Finally…….finally something's happening and I'm not going to hide anything. He might as well know what I'm feeling. My pants are quite loose ones, but not those horrible old fashioned 'Y' front things that some boys wear. Anyway, they're not about to conceal how I'm feeling, nor these shorts either. I can feel myself getting bigger in them. I don't care if I get hard either, which I'm quite likely to do. Sometimes it comes up for no reason at all… just does. Then I have a bit of fun playing with it with my hand in my shorts pocket.

He's touching my skin and I love it! I've got this massive warm feeling coming. Maybe he'll offer to kiss it better?

I really want to plant a big juicy one bang on his mouth, but he might think that's a really gay thing to do and there was no way I was going to risk frightening him off….he'd probably run a mile…..straight to Mr Ackland which would mean the end for me. Boys doing each other's willies is one thing………pretty common really……...but kissing?

I don't know why I said it….it was a joke really.

'Will you kiss it better?' I said smiling at Owen. Well he did……I don't know about better but it seemed to do the trick for me. I looked down to see my shorts were sticking right out at the front. Shit. Oh well. I'm going to apologize…….see what happens then.

'Oh dear…..sorry.'

'I'm a bit the same Elliot……look.'

'Yeah……does it hurt? Mine's a bit tingly……what does yours feel like?'

'Feel like? I don't know…..quite nice I suppose.'

'Do you want to see? You could take my shorts down and look?'

There's no spare fat on Elliot…..he's not tall for an eleven year old, and quite slim with it too…a very compact little body. He has no muscle yet, but he looks as if he will be one of those strong wiry types……a good runner probably. Right now as I look at him, he looks interesting. His penis is slightly to one side in his shorts, and at an upwards angle pressing hard against the white cotton material. The end bit looks rounded of course and I've a feeling he's one of those who has had the skinny bit removed, unlike myself. I'm getting very excited at this situation. It's the perfect opportunity to start something with Elliot.

'Can I turn you round? It's easier if I'm behind you… this.'

'Why? I want to face you.'

'I want to see you from the back first….do you mind?'

He has a beautiful back…..very upright, and then a lovely curve into his behind. I trace my finger down his spine, very gently to give him maximum sensation, from the top of his neck with its downy hair all the way down to the waistband of his shorts. It's not tight and expands easily as I ease them sideways and down, leaving him in just his pants. Very nice too. Elliot puts his hand inside the waistband and exposes his neat little penis, but I want to feel his bottom for a while. I feel all over it…..all around it……and slide my fingers up and under the seams of his knickers which are quite loose. He's lovely to feel there and he's enjoying it too judging by the cute little appreciative noises he's making. I'm leaving his front alone for now…..until I turn him round. When I do, we press our middles together, just separated by two layers of cotton material, but I keep both my hands on his bottom. I'm quite obviously bigger than him, and a bit taller but not by much, so that the tip of my erection touches him a little under his tummy button, and he touches me lightly a little lower. Elliot looks up and moves my hands to each side of his head and bring him closer to my face. we both look down to look at what we have to offer each other. Then we look at each other and smile, and look down again.

'Am I alright Owen?'

'Of course you're alright….more than just alright . You're a really sweet boy. Hadn't you realised anything?'

'Realised anything?'

'Yes. Hadn't you thought that I wanted to?'

'Perhaps I had. I'm not sure. Probably.'

'Probably? Are you sure now Elliot?'

'Yes, I'm sure now.'

I feel his features….his nose, eyes and mouth. We put our faces together….side by side…..and I breathe into his ear. I want to touch his lips with mine and tell him. Tell him what? I reach inside his pants and I take him in the palm of my hand…….and then my fingers are reaching under to find what I need to touch next. He looks down and watches me play with his balls tightly packed in their crinkled pouch. They feel a little smaller than mine. I love them. I feel his back again as I push further under and between his legs.

'Is this ok Elliot? Can I go on?'


That was an invitation, and just to make sure, Elliot placed his feet further apart. I pushed harder between his legs to get where I wanted to go, where the buttocks join to hide his anus so perfectly. There's no question that Elliot is enjoying this. I'm moving the tip of my finger around in there, and in response, he's holding my shoulders harder now.

Elliot and I have crossed a line……at last. It doesn't often happen for me, but it just has.

Raphael sees Owen in his study.

'So did you Owen………or are you not going to say? You don't have to, but I am intrigued I must say. What I'd really like to know is why you're telling me this? You're right, Elliot is a tricky boy to deal with but…….I agree with you, he's worth the effort, and I appreciate the fact that you're trying to help… a nice way too. What you have both done hopefully won't complicate matters. I don't see why it should. You're a good person to have as a friend Owen. I would love to have you as a friend any time……if you wanted to be friends? You might have realised by now that we have something in common too, don't we? Imagine now that I'm you and you are Elliot. Can you do that….now? Is that something that you feel you could do?'


I tried to imagine myself as Elliot. It was easy.

That was how it started with R K and me…….when I went to see him in his study before lights out. I hadn't thought it through beforehand I promise you….I hadn't allowed myself to have any such ambition…..or real hope come to that. But I had done something a bit naughty. I'd gone down to RK's study in my dressing gown, slippers, and just in a pair of pants underneath. He was fully dressed, but I could see his trousers didn't look quite right if you see what I mean. He sat down all the time I was talking to him, but if he had stood up I think it would have showed. It was that bit about me imagining I was Elliot. I had to think about it for a few seconds until it dawned on me. I was suddenly aware that my mouth was open and I was staring at him as I stood there, like the other time.

'So……..what do you think Owen? Could you? Would you like to be in Elliot's place now…..and feel what he felt? Would you?'


Of course I knew what I was dealing with. Owen is a completely reliable boy who knows his own mind. He's an independent thinker and quite bright. He may well be in my job ultimately. I wouldn't be at all surprised. And I know what he looks like too, under his school uniform. He's nothing exceptional physically……average height for his age……around five feet I would have thought, but with a lean and quite narrow build, and like many boys that age, he has long legs and big feet. When it comes to his private parts, he looks pretty average to possibly undersized, but I have not seen him with an erection, at least not yet. Most of the others in the lower years I have, at one time or another. That is a detail I don't miss. The place to observe young boys and their bits and pieces is when we have morning showers. They have to be supervised, and that's the job of the House Prefects. If they weren't supervised, it would be bedlam down there……soap chucking and general carnage, so that's why I'm there a couple of times a week, and that's when I get to see our little beauties as they should be seen. I'm assuming that most of the boys masturbate, in private by themselves, and in bed. Of course some find partners. If the getting up bells goes in the morning and they haven't done it, they'll probably have a hard-on when they have to get out of bed in a hurry to get down to the showers. The routine is this. First, off with pyjamas. Then it's slippers on, and a short walk to the far wall where the dressing gowns are hung up. Then it's a walk downstairs to the showers, holding a rigid penis against the tummy with both hands in front of you. You arrive at the showers still erect, damn it. It just won't go away. Let's face it, there's only one proper way to deal with them isn't there?

So there he is then…….our junior boy…….erect and sublime, and doing his shower thing right in front of you, and a very pretty sight it is too……well, not all of them actually. One or two you would rather not look at. You would look at Owen, and Elliot come to that. I defy anyone not to. They are both very nice examples of the genre, believe me. Owen has he better body, but Elliot had the bigger willy. He's a little on the thin side, but certainly not his handsome quite pendulous and still hairless appendage. Some boys are just like that…….they have bloody great willies that are too big for the poor stretched foreskin that doesn't cover that invitingly bulbous head. So what am I doing while all this nudity is parading under my nose? Well, there's not much I can do is there?

I know what I'd like to do, but sadly it would be frowned upon, quite rightly. I do have one indulgence however……..a very nice lad who goes by the name of Simon.

I was still having sex with Simon who is three years younger than me, albeit occasionally. It had to be that way because the consequences of discovery would of course been disastrous to my school career, and a little less so to his. Simon is a clever boy and totally reliable so as long as we weren't actually caught doing it, it was fine….and lots of fun. We did it mainly outdoors which is rather nice too. We had particular places to do it in, and very personal to us, and a reasonable distance from the school. One favourite place was a changing cubicle at the public swimming baths a cycle ride away. Although a confined space, it was big enough to achieve all that we wanted, made all the more fun sometimes by doing it to the sounds of other boys changing and chatting in the cubicle next door. So near, yet so far! One afternoon I am utterly convinced two lads were up to precisely the same thing as we were, judging by their rather noisy conclusion! Some people have no shame.

But I have made an exception in the case of Owen. He told me about his meeting with Elliot in the changing room under the gym because, I think, because he was sounding me out….watching my reaction to his fairly no holds barred description of what had happened. It was an exciting little episode by all accounts and I enjoyed listening to it. I got an erection, unsurprisingly, but I think it wasn't too obvious. I wasn't sure about him, so I asked him if he had pyjamas on underneath his dressing gown. His reaction to that was to take a step forward, and within touching distance of me. His hands were by his side and the cord which held the gown together at the front was loosely tied, and showing signs of coming undone as they easily do. As I touched the plaited cord, the gown fell open to reveal Owen standing in his pants, and as hard as any nail. To have done anything there and then would have been dangerously premature, so I resisted the temptation to encourage my new friend and told him I would try to see he was 'ok' on my late round…….when, pyjama clad, I check the dorms last thing after locking up. I'm not sure he got the inference of the 'ok' bit, but no doubt time will tell.

Of course I knew exactly where to find Owen. I shared a small room with two other prefects on the top floor, and his dorm was a fair distance away on the floor below. It's quite a large room with a partition dividing it into two which allows a row of beds either side thus accommodating more boys. Owen slept in the first section next to the door which was convenient as the less tramping about at ten thirty the better…….there could easily be a boy in there not yet asleep who would undoubtedly notice any 'goings on' and it would be all round the House the next morning. I was prepared to take the risk.

The figure of Owen was turned away from me as I contemplated easing the blanket and sheet from under the mattress….but I didn't need to… was already hanging loosely making entry into the boys bed with my hand totally unobstructed……an encouraging bit of forward planning indeed from a boy who no doubt was expecting me. I very gently rubbed his shoulder and he stirred, and very helpfully turned onto his back, his faced still turned away. He was wearing the red pyjama top which had ridden up to the top of his tummy. His left hand lay on the warm skin of his tummy and I touched it. The hand moved and took mine in its gentle grasp. Slowly, yet quite deliberately, the hand moved mine downwards until it rested on his penis, already half hard, but inside his underpants. His pyjama bottoms, if he had them on at all, were not evident. He let go of my hand, content now that I would provide him with what he needed….and the all- important affirmation that we were now in a relationship, whatever that would mean.

It was all over quite quickly. Doubtless, he had taken my hint and kept himself awake until I arrived to deliver the goods, so to speak. He's an uncircumcised boy like most of them…..and as I've already implied, not the biggest tool in the box, but very handsome none the less. With his prepuce still covering the glans, he came, lifting his hips in a sudden upwards movement as he did so, together with the most endearing sighs of pleasure and fulfilment. I felt four quite obvious contractions together with a small quantity of what felt like quite mature semen ejaculated…not the usual single sprinke of warm water. No, it was an amount of quite viscous solution well worthy of an older youth. Expecting, or rather hoping that Owen would manage at least something in the cum department, I had managed to salvage most of his ejaculate in the palm of my right hand and it tasted sweet and pure, just like him. I had no idea what to expect, but I was very pleasantly surprised. Afterwards, he rolled over towards me holding my hand against his chest with both of his…..his face buried in his pillow. I had made sure there would be nothing to stain his bottom sheet, but just to make sure, I gave him a gentle squeeze so that he might give of his last. Waste not, want not, I say.

I stayed with him for a while…until his breathing became quiet and regular. Asleep now, I touched my lips and laid my hand gently on his forehead, and quietly left for my bed to have a think. It was a very short think.


I thought he would because he did say that he would come and see me…….and he did. I'd got ready for him, but I must have fallen asleep. I knew it was him. He was so gentle and loving really. Afterwards I held his hand and cried a bit too. Silly really but I wanted to show him that…….I don't know really…..just show him.

It's morning now. It was so nice last night that I want it again now, but I can't go to him . I'm really stiff, but I'm not going to do it. I think it's been stiff all night. Edward's doing it right now. I can see him doing it. The blanket's going up and down. He doesn't mind anyone seeing him……he just carries on regardless. Edward's nice…..everyone likes him. He must have got his feeling now because he's stopped.


R K took Owen and I out to tea today, after school. He met us at Marshall's……they've got a tea room sort of place upstairs…right at the top so you can see right over the City, if you can get a table by the window. I've not really spoken to R K before because he's way too important, although I see him at Evensong sometimes….quite a lot actually.

I'm in trouble at choir. It's not that I hate it…..actually I love the singing and the music…..I do, really. I don't know what's wrong with me…….I keep wanting to cry… now……and I don't know why? It's horrible. I know Mr Ansty hates me. If it wasn't for Owen I'd…….do something.

R K's nice………he asked me loads of questions…..some really weird ones about how I'm thinking and stuff like that. He asked me if I was unhappy, and I said yes, but I don't know why. He looked really sad. I didn't want to look at him but he said I had to so I did. He said he was going to try very hard to make me feel better, but it would mean talking to him lots. He asked me if I would mind him talking to me and stuff, and I said no I wouldn't mind at all. Then he asked me to pull up my chair a bit nearer to his, and when I did, he put his arm round my shoulder and I started to cry and couldn't stop. He just held me like that for ages. I know he's kind and trying to help me, but I don't think he can…….can he?

He said he wanted to speak to my parents in Germany.

'What about?'

'What do you think……..about you of course! You are one of the most important people in our lives at this very moment.'

'Am I?'

'Yes Elliot, you are.'

He kept looking at me in that way that he does. It's the first time I have cried in ages. I know there's something wrong.


I have meetings, often quite short, with Mr Ackland our Housemaster, most evenings to discuss anything really. Usually it's about concerns over troublesome boys, alterations in our daily routine, or just mundane matters like when little Johnny has his bath. My function is to help Mr Ackland run the place, and the role of Head of House is a crucial one. Elliot has cropped up in casual discussion before, as have most of the boys at one time or another, but when the wellbeing of a boy, or the lack of it, begins to affect his progress, and impinge on the general atmosphere in the House, something has to be done. Mr Ackland suggested that, as I was closer to the ground as it were, and after an initial discussion between him and Elliot's parents, I should be the one to take things further with Elliot people. In the event, they were very upset that Elliot felt the way he did. They agreed that he was to receive a 'phone call from them on a weekly basis starting this Friday. I mentioned that he had made a good friend in Owen who was 'looking out for him'. Two days later Elliot received a parcel from Germany. It was large tin of biscuits! Oh well.

That evening there was a knock on my study door. It was Elliot. He didn't say anything as he stepped forward and handed me the neat box. His smile said it all.

'Do you know something Elliot…….I think that's the nicest present I've ever had……..but there's something else that would be even better…..have you any idea what that might be?'

He did have an idea of what that might be, and I told him that he was perfectly right. To see him functioning as he should…..with our help…….to be positive in all that he does. I asked him if he felt a little unloved. It was a risky question. He just nodded. He was quite unable to speak.

'I'm very sorry to hear you say that Elliot. Owen is trying to put that right, and I want to as well. No boy here should feel like that. Will you try to let us help you? If you let us, we can. You just have to believe that. Do you think you can?'

In that instant, I believe, he had turned a corner. It was, in its way, a painful realisation for him, but one that enabled him to come to terms with his feelings and allow him to rationalize them. This done, with our daily help, he could apply logic to the situation and re-evaluate his attitude to life…..and change it for the better.

Elliot has just started to express himself with small physical gestures, to me which is rather nice. They were both regularly in my study to update me on how things were going. With Owen, and on their own, it was difficult. The problem they had was one of privacy, and where they could get it. My study became the one place they could go when they needed to be together, and in private. I told Owen….and Elliot……that it was available whenever they wanted it, but obviously I had to have access at any time which might clash with their rather random requirements. They both made it clear that rather than me making myself scarce should I find them there, they would like me to stay. Apart from our private hugs, I have no intent upon Elliot….that would be quite wrong……as sexually attractive to me as he undoubtedly is. To witness him giving himself to Owen was a gift enough. I hadn't yet, but I'm sure it's something they have on their agenda, judging by their playful attitude whenever the possibility is mentioned. They have suddenly become splendid company. I love them both dearly. Since attending to Owen in his dorm the other night, nothing has happened, but that's down to a lack of opportunity and time rather than a lack of desire on both our parts. Meanwhile Simon was making noises suggesting a lack of attention from me. I had known him of course since he arrived as a fresh faced eleven year old and a resident in dorm one, along with Edward, Olaf and James and had been satisfying our mutual needs ever since, from time to time. In my present position, discretion was of the utmost, and my time with Simon had to be chosen with care and secrecy. Tonight, after some pleasant and a rather tantalizing time with the two boys in the study I felt in dire need and sought out sweet Simon. Simon knows exactly what I need when I really need it, and this night I need it. I found him in the library pretending to work on an essay. He looked up from his copy of 'Lord Jim' and guessed more or less straight away what I had in mind.

'You're looking a bit queer Raf. Anything special on your mind?'

'There's no need to put it quite like that Simon, but yes there is something I had in mind actually.'

'Your place or mine?'

Simon calls a spade a spade. We nipped up to the top small dorm that Simon sleeps in. There was no one else around so it was ideal.

'Oh bloody hell Raf, I've got no tissue. I know you don't need any but some of us do.'

'You cheeky monkey!

That's a typical Simon remark designed to wind you up, but I'm used to his gay repartee, so to speak.

Simon gave me as good as he got, and the tissue issue was not an issue if you know what I mean.

'Bloody hell Raf………..what got into you? I know how those two little friends of yours get you worked up, especially that gorgeous little Third Former but…..bloody hell!'

'Sorry. I rather went for it. Are you ok'

'Went for it? I should say so. Nice though.'

'Was it?'

'Yes it was, you randy bastard. I don't think you've provided me with anything like since that time you ripped my knickers off on the School field after cricket. I'll be lucky if I make it downstairs to tea. Sorry…only joking!'

'I don't remember ever ripping your pants off Simon? As I remember, you were only too willing to lower them yourself.' Touché turtle. He's a naughty boy, that Simon.

We laughed over our little joke….especially when he reminded me of the nickname I once, but only once, gave him. It was 'Battery'….that is to say…..'Ever Ready'. LOL!

'Is that me or you Simon?' I said looking at the contents of his tummy button.

'That's me………and yes Raf, I did thanks. Pretty hard not to under the circumstances I would have thought, not that you would have noticed……..way too busy somewhere else.'

'Sorry. Do you need anything?'

'No it's ok, I'll sort it. Do you know something? You get worse.'

He's right, I probably do. I know one thing though. Simon is a wonderful refuge….a port in a storm, and I know I can sail into his harbour when the mood suits. It's not that often, but it's superlatively good when I pay his gorgeous rear end a visit. He tells me that I'm exactly right for him. By that he means that I stimulate him in the right place and he has one of those different kinds of orgasm. Perhaps you have had one? They're different, that's for sure. Anyway, he either has one of those, or he gets close enough to stimulate himself in the usual way. It's always doggy with us. When I'm really in the mood, I like to dominate.


Mr Ansty was really nice today after choir practice. He said I had done really well and that he was planning a solo for me soon….in the Britten Te Deum in C. I'm going with Owen, and R K I hope, to the school outfitters this afternoon to get new uniform. I told Mum and Dad that I needed some bits and pieces and they always like me to look smart. They phoned twice last week which was nice. It's usually about once a fortnight. Mum cried on the phone which set me off a bit.

'You do know that we love you, don't you Elliot.'

'Yes mum, of course I do……it's just………'

'I know dear…… just have to hang on……..that nice Raphael boy said you had a friend now?'

'Yes …..Owen. He's my best friend. He's coming with me next Monday to get my new stuff. He's kind too. I really like him. I think I can now…… know…..sort things out a bit better. RK's sorting stuff out too for me.'

'I'm so glad darling. Please try your best from now on. Do you promise darling?'

'Yes, I promise. Mum……are you still there?'

A long pause……

'Mum, I can't hear you. Can you put Dad on please?'


R K came to me in the dorm again last night. I knew he was coming because he asked me if I wanted him to and I said yes. I tried to stay awake but…..I don't remember going to sleep. Then I just felt him doing it. I pulled my pyjamas down before I went to sleep so he could get to me properly. I wore pants because he and I like the feel of them beforehand if you know what I mean. He plays with me for a while, especially under there , and then when I can't wait any more, I move his hand and then he knows he can start properly. I had a lovely feeling……really lovely, and it lasted ages. He seems to know when it near to happening because he slows down, and then right at the end he speeds up a bit….just a bit….and then it comes. It's lovely! It went on my tummy, but he sorts that out too. Last night he whispered in my ear 'well done' which made me feel nice. I love him and I know he loves me too. I'm happy and glad about everything. I love Elliot in a special way too……and he knows I do. I know he wants to be loved very badly. He tells me things that make me cry and then he hugs me. I think he's much better now. I want to help him really badly. He's lovely.


The uniform shop is really weird…really old and musty smelling, with old top hats and stuff all over the place. I got measured for a new blazer…….they are beautiful ……..'royal blue' I think they call it but I'm not sure….and it has a badge on the front. It's red and in the shape of a shield with big letters on it….an A and an S. I've got a new pullover too…….it's light grey and smells really nice….with one red and the other one blue, around the neck bit……very smart! Oh, and new shorts too. I had to try them on first……R K helped me decide which ones looked best. We tried about four pairs…..then we got two the same which fitted really well….quite short but really nice…..and six pairs of pants too which was really exciting. I chose those, and R K and Owen said they were a good choice……a nice modern style the man said. I will be the envy of all the other boys in those he said. I hope so! I can't wait to try them on. My blazer won't be ready until next week unfortunately, but he said it would be worth waiting for. I can't wait to see myself in it. R K said I had to have my hair cut to celebrate, and we had to go to where he had his done. Oh yes….it had to be there, he said.

At the barbers, I could see R K and Owen in the mirror…they were watching me get done. At the end R K paid. His hair always looks good….not short but really stylish. He's very good looking I think, and I know Owen thinks so too. They like each other loads. I like him loads too…..and Owen too of course……..he's my bestest friend ever. At least my blazer will be ready for when my parents come to see me. I'm really glad they're coming although I know mum will cry, and dad will tell her not to be silly. I Love them and I know now they love me too. I've decided….yesterday in fact…… that there's lots of love in the world. I know there's loads of hate too but……I just want to think about the love bit. I'm looking forward to choir tonight.


R K's put another chair in his study. When I was in there early this morning, I asked him about his friend Simon. That's what we do now……..we meet in his study really early way before the getting up bell when we go down for showers, usually about half past six. It's a good time because there's no one about normally, apart from the early morning running people, but they just run down and change and then they're gone for the next half hour. It's nice being alone with him…to talk about things…and Elliot of course. Because I've got up early I haven't done anything so…..if we want to we can. I know he does stuff with Simon because he told me the other day. I saw Simon in the playground yesterday……he gave me a bit of a 'look'……not in a bad way……in rather a nice way actually. I gave him a nice smile anyway. They do things that I haven't done with him, I know that. I asked him to tell me about stuff they did, and he said there was nothing much to tell, and I said tell me anyway because I was sure there were some interesting things we could do and I was old enough to know anyway, and why wouldn't he tell me? Then he said he we might try some things, but if I didn't like anything…anything at all, I was to say so immediately. I said I wanted to try it now because I felt really sexy this morning and hadn't done anything, even last night in bed, which was difficult because some of the others were and I had to listen to it which was a bit annoying, but I was saving myself up for this morning so I couldn't do it.


Owen, apart from being a very sexy and lovely looking little thirteen year old, is a persistent so and so. For reasons best known to himself, he's now in the habit of asking lots of rather personal questions lately, particularly about Simon. He's knows pretty much about me and him, and of course he's curious as to what exactly ……..we 'do'. We 'do' things that…….well……at his tender age, perhaps he shouldn't know about. The problem is that they do know about it.

Owen has an unplanned get-together with Elliot……..

I asked Elliot if I could sit on his lap for a bit. I sat like that when we first……or rather I had my first feeling with him. It was one lunch time and he spoke to me in a corridor somewhere and it just happened. I think we were really feeling like it at that moment and without saying a word, we went straight to Ferring House and into Raf's study. He put me across his lap and did me. I lay sort of sideways a bit leaning on his chest and got my trousers undone and zip down. I lay back looking at the little bulge in the front of my white pants. I was pretty much stiff already because I knew perfectly well what was going to happen and I wanted it as badly as he did at that moment. It was all a bit crude but very urgent and unbelievably exciting. I came very quickly right on to my shirt which I didn't intend….it just went further to put it simply. I immediately got up and knelt on the floor to his side and did Elliot. He was leaning back in the chair as I undid his shorts and extracted his willy out of his brief pants. His is bigger than mine by a distance and was already incredibly hard….virtually no give in it at all…..amazing. He came almost quicker than I had done, outdoing my little puddle by some considerable way…and distance! Two minutes later, we were all done up, albeit a bit damp in places, and on our way back, like nothing had happened. As we crossed the playground……

'Did you like that Elliot? Don't you think it's fun when you don't know it's going to happen?'

'It was good…really good Owen.'

I want to know more, and I want Raf to teach me how. I wanted instruction…….how to do things like the bigger boys do. Then I want to do it with my little lover Elliot…….and he wants it as much as I do. He's asked me before.


This evening I had another visit from Owen. He seemed in rather a coy mood which I recognize. It means he's feeling randy, not to put too fine a point on it. I let him sit on my lap, all red in his favourite pyjama bottoms. The top half was blue. He was growing out of them rather fast and his 'bits' showed quite prominently inside the rather restricting material….very sexy. I put my hand between his legs so that the palm of my hand was under his by now quite tight scrotum and the ends of my fingers were a good way towards his anus. It was my choice that he should keep with pyjama bottoms on. It amused me to see his little cock start to grow into the lovely slim, and extremely hard rod that it is…..and not a bad length either.

'How does that feel Owen? Do you know, I'm sure your willy has grown since I last saw it. What do you think?'

'I don't know, I haven't measured it lately. Can I?'

Typical boy. He wants to know how long his cock is. I reached out to my left to grab the little plastic six inch ruler that I keep in a jam jar on the table where I work.

'You really want to know?'


I measured the top. It came out at four and a half inches.

'Satisfied now?'

'Is that ok do you think?'

'Of course it is. Anyway it wouldn't matter if it was two inches.'

Owen seemed to accept that, as he lay further back. I didn't bother to replace his pyjama bottoms.

'Can you go a bit further please…..right underneath me.'

Owen is showing an increasing interest in having me investigate that part of his body. The idea excites me, but I'm not sure it's a particularly good idea from his point of view.

'I think you could do with a short biology lesson Owen.'


I got him to stand up while I fetched my 'Human Biology' text book off the shelf opposite. Standing up like that and exposed, his penis looked longer. Strange that.

I showed him a very informative diagram of the anal passage, the rectum, and associated organs in that general area, and explained what each one did.

'You see this thing here Owen…the little round object just under your bladder.'

'What does it do Raf?'

I explained its function, and exactly how it can be stimulated.

'Really? Does it…..really?'

Oh yes it does. Well….it does for some people, and even if it doesn't, the attempt is a very pleasurable experience for them. Simon and I discovered the pleasure that could be had by gently attending to it some while back.


I knew that's what I wanted for ages, but didn't really realise I did I suppose. Raf had played with that part of me right from the start, but always on the outside, never inside. I remember the very first time he did it. I loved it…..all tickly and nice. I wanted him to do it there and then when he told me about it, and showed me in the book where it was and what it did. Anyway, he wouldn't. He said I would have to work up to it for a while but……..we could make a small start if I really wanted to? I did want big time! I remembered he'd had a bit of prod about before, if that's the right word, whilst playing with the other bit of me, but I hadn't taken a great deal of notice I don't think. This was something else……something completely different to that. I don't think you'd want me to go into details re hygiene and so on, and all the preliminaries of getting used to the idea, but suffice it to say, he was meticulous. It wasn't until about two weeks later that we did the real thing. Unbelievable…….that's the only way to describe it. The other nice thing he taught me before that was how to use my tongue and mouth on his penis. He showed me exactly how, on me at first, and then me on him. For the next week, it occupied most of our early morning sessions, as I gradually acquired the art, and by the end of the second week he announced that I was actually quite good at it. I had also, much to his great joy, come to accept his semen in my mouth. To start with, I couldn't…….and had to trust him to tell me when to let him go and point him elsewhere! I got gradually nearer and nearer until one morning he completely lost it and came without warning me. It went straight in…and down! After I'd got over the initial shock I realised it wasn't that bad after all. I couldn't have done that with someone else, but I could with him. The only other possibility as things stand, is little Elliot, my eleven year old friend.

Elliot's new blazer is ready for collection tomorrow, and he wants to give us a bit of a fashion parade apparently, so……maybe we can surprise him then?

There was something else…….something I later grew to love as part of the preliminaries, and indeed all the rest, was the mouth on mouth thing. I loved it when he used his tongue on my neck, and then my face….and particularly around my bare chest and nipples. He said he could make them go all stiff, and the feeling that gave me transferred to other parts. I was a bit reticent at first, completely unlike Elliot, who took to it like a duck to water, and wouldn't stop once he'd started. Kissing Elliot deeply is one of the most completely satisfying things I have ever done in my life…..just wonderful. With R K it is a little different….no doubt about it……but still lovely…….especially if it is combined with another thing. I want loads of sex with Raf, and he gives it to me almost whenever I need it. With Elliot, we give each other the joy of it. I'm thinking of him now… beautiful he is…….and how much I love him.

I'm crying now…….now he's not here any more.

Elliot brought all his new stuff down to R K's study, some of it still inside the polythene protective bags. He'd come down in his old uniform, complete, which one has to admit looks distinctly tired. The arms of his blazer are too short now, with quite a lot of wrist showing in the sleeves and only just meeting around his tummy. The socks are too short and won't stay up even with garters, and his shorts…….well they had to go. If he'd worn them another month, I think he would have burst out of them, even with his slim build. The zip wouldn't go all the way up I had noticed for some time now, and he's was beginning to attract glances, and unhelpful comments like 'are those your little brother's shorts?' and 'I bet you had trouble getting into those this morning didn't you?' and worse…..'I like yer pants, Elliot'. When R K asked him to get changed into his new uniform he said…

'Will you do it please Owen…..please? '

R K looked at me……

'Go on then……..don't keep the boy waiting Owen.'

This was a new concept and I was instantly excited. The idea of undressing another boy I thought could be massive fun, and very sexy.

I took off his blazer and put it on the chair, and on top of that I placed his House tie, navy blue with green diagonal stripes. R K asked him to take off his shoes which he did, turning his back to us as he did so, and giving us the final opportunity to observe his lovely bottom restricted as it was inside the grey material…and the underlying detail of what he wore underneath which showed through. I always look to see what boys have on underneath. I just like to know, that's all. His grey shirt came off next, followed by his vest, sleeveless, the singlet type. Socks were next on the list…..and then the shorts……these ones for the very last time. With a bit of squeeze of the tummy, they parted at his waist, and I carefully lowered the zip and let them fall open revealing the white material below his lovely flat tummy. Elliot appeared to be enjoying the process too by the look of him, and I'm not referring to his face. I didn't comment because mine was too……and probably R K as well I don't doubt as the situation is warming up nicely. I sat down next to R K to admire my work as Elliot beamed back at us. He took two steps forward……well within our reach with his shorts wide open at the front.

'Don't you think it's rather a shame to lose them Owen? I think I'm going to miss them rather.'

They were two minutes to savour indeed…….but poor Elliot was suffering.

'Ooooh…….it hurts. Can we?'

Answer, no, not yet awhile.

With his new shorts and all the rest of his kit on, he looked like the typical 'new boy'. Then R K told him to put his hands in the pockets and turn around so we could see him from behind. A perfect fit.

'There you are Elliot, you look great. Don't you think so Owen? We can see everything we need to see. You know what…….he'd make a fantastic model don't you think?'

'What Raf….to draw or something?' I said.

'No. Can't you see him as a photographic model? I can.'

Elliot, who was getting a little impatient, moved close to R K and touched his leg. R K, getting the hint, took his arm and turned him round and sat him on his lap. R K's legs were together which meant that Elliot's had to go either side of his, legs dangling, and his chest enclosed by RK's hands. R K looked at me and so did Elliot. It was the right time.

I didn't need a second invitation, as I settled myself on my knees and between Elliot's legs and slid his shorts and pants down his thighs. I was at the perfect height to see to Elliot. Everything smelled fresh and new.

On RK's lap, and with his hands behind Elliot's thighs, he lifted his legs up and back towards him revealing Elliot's behind in all its glory.

I stared at it for what seemed like ages. I had never actually studied someone's bottom before.

I think I must have looked a bit doubtful about it all, because RK suggested we swap around. I changed places with him which meant, because I'm smaller, that Elliot could get his feet either side of my body in the wicker chair.

RK used some jelly from a tube….not much, just two or three pea sized blobs of it. I held Elliot tightly around his chest. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I know Elliot started to giggle and wriggle about.

'That tickles Raf.' He says as I try to hold him still.

A minute later Elliot was quite still so I relaxed my grip on him and let my hands go down lower onto his tummy. I could feel the tip of his penis which had gone stiff. Elliot's head was now sideways on my chest and his breathing had changed…sort of long breaths in and out. I felt Elliot's hand move my left hand onto his penis. I know that signal.

After five minutes or so, Elliot stopped me. Another minute passed before RK stopped too. Elliot lay quietly. There were little drops of perspiration on his forehead. I'm sure he hadn't come in the usual way, but something had happened.

Elliot and I swapped places so that I was not disappointed, and anyway, I wanted to know what Elliot had known just a few moments ago. I thought it might hurt a little but it didn't…..not at all. I could feel Elliot under me all the time. You can imagine.

The moment came for us, about a week later, with deep and tender kisses, and loving hearts. I shall never forget those dark eyes before me, open, and focused on mine as his time approached. Inspired by mine, and his time did come, long and enduring…..and deeply within him.

Please please stay with me, my beautiful friend…….my beautiful boy.


We've done it! Afterwards I didn't feel bad, or guilty, or none of those things R K said I might feel and that I was to think very hard about whether I really wanted to do more than we had done before. He gave Owen the stuff that we needed, and we'd sort of practiced for a while…..making as sure as we could that it would work. Oh, it worked alright! We'd planned it all, exactly when and where we would do it, and I think we both had tickly willies for at least an hour beforehand. It was just the thought of it.

I had maths last lesson on the Saturday morning and I started to think about it, and you can imagine what happened. I think I was like that all through maths. It didn't matter because my new blazer hid everything. It was amazing because we both had ours cums more or less together….him just a few seconds before me, but he kept going until I had mine. It was different too……right through my whole body. When I told R K, he hugged me. I love him too…but differently. This is his last year at school and it will horrible without him next year but he'll write I'm sure. He'll be at University if he gets his grades. I hope he will. He said he should get there ok. Oh, and the other thing……..when it happened, a tiny bit of stuff came out! Sorry to mention that slightly off putting detail but it was a bit of landmark for me because all the other times absolutely nothing ever appeared. Owen said it was one of those moments in a young boy's life, and gave me an extra hug! I love it when he gets me dressed, and he insists that he does it. I like it too…….dead sexy it is.

Matron got rid of all my old uniform, some of it to the second hand shop I think, except my underwear, and I'm not sure what happened to that…….thrown away I suppose. I love my new ones, especially when they're clean on each morning…..all soft and nice. Mum and Dad come next week butonly for the day though. They said we're going out for lunch, and then tea and I asked if Owen could come and they said of course he could, and get this……R K is coming too!

Elliot's solo.

It was brilliant! My bit was part of Benjamin Britten's Te Deum in C. It was a bit nerve wracking and the whole thing goes on for ages but I knew I could do it. Well, I had to do it didn't I? You can't just decide at the last moment you're not going to do it can you? Anyway, we're trained to do it so…….you just do. Mr Ansty said I could do another later……he's planning a programme of pieces from Handel's 'Messiah'. I know everyone knows it well, but it's still nice to sing. My bit is going to be the treble solo in 'I know that my Redeemer liveth.' It's a beautiful piece. Raf's……sorry, I shouldn't call him that…… R K's going to help me practice it because he wants to.

He said he sang the same solo himself when he was a chorister here. He said he didn't think he would be there when we sang it for real. When I asked why not, he smiled and looked a bit weird, and said 'Well, we'll have to see about that'.

Because of Elliot's problems, his parents are coming to see him. His mother tells us…….

We decided to come by train to see Elliot. We were terribly upset when we heard he was so unhappy…….we really had no idea, and would never in a thousand years have ever put him through such a thing. I can barely control myself when I think of him crying into his pillow each night wondering why his parents could be so cruel. We, of course, thought it was the best thing for him, especially as he was offered the chance to sing in the Abbey choir. He was desperately keen to do that, but it did mean boarding. I know he's made friends now which is wonderful news as he always had difficulty doing so in the past. There's one boy in particular we want to thank, a boy called Owen Morgan who is also in the choir….and apparently the Head Boy of the House has been very kind as well…..a boy called Raphael. He sounded very nice on the phone, and very helpful and positive. Mr Ackland has said to us that Raphael would see us too when we come over. We've decided though, all in all, to withdraw Elliot from the school with effect from the end of the Easter Term, or whatever they call it……Trinity I think it is. We're going to tell Elliot just before we leave on Sunday.


They asked to see me just after they'd finished the interview in Mr Ackland's study. They were clearly very nice people and extremely upset about Elliot, and also informed me of their decision to take Elliot away from the school. My blood went cold when they announced that out the blue. The thought had in fact occurred to me some time ago, but I had dismissed it from wishful thinking I suppose. It's not unusual for boys to suddenly disappear for reasons we never understood.

Elliot's parents were staying at the best hotel in the city, which isn't that good by all accounts, but convenient for them. After Sunday Matins, Elliot came back to the House to spruce himself up, not that he needed to really. He looked wonderful in his new kit…….just the perfect boy, although he looked just a little apprehensive, but excited to see his people. They took Owen with them to lunch at the hotel, and about two thirty, they came back to the Close as Elliot and Owen had Evensong at three fifteen. I went too, but didn't sit in the choir stalls but out of the way in the south transept. It was a nice service with a Parry anthem and Byrd's Second Service. Afterwards, I had arranged to meet them all at the South door and go to tea. Owen and Elliot went on ahead which gave me the chance to talk to Elliot's parents without the boys overhearing, but at the last moment I funked it, and just kept to the usual pleasantries all the way to Marshalls, where Elliot wanted to have tea. His mother asked him why he had chosen Marshalls, after all surely there were better places? He just shrugged his shoulders as I watched his reaction. A few seconds later he looked at me half smiling. We were on our second cup of tea when Elliot asked quietly….

'Can I get down please, I need to go to the loo?'

Owen went with him. I knew I had to bite the bullet soon or lose my chance perhaps for ever.

'It's been lovely meeting you both, but……there's something I have to ask you….for Elliot's sake. Please will you not tell him about his leaving the Abbey until just before Easter. Would you mind very much delaying telling Elliot until a few days before? I think it would be very bad for him if he knew now, and I think he would be very upset needlessly.'

As we made our way through the medieval lanes of the city on the way back to school, Elliot's father caught my arm and held me back pretending to notice something in a shop window.

'We think you're right Raphael…..about when to tell him, and yes, we think we should wait. Thanks for mentioning it. I wanted to tell you how very grateful to you we are, really, we are. That's from us and Elliot. One other thing…..we will come back over and tell him ourselves, probably on the Wednesday before taking him back on the Friday. We won't leave that job to Mr Ackland……or you come to that.'

There were a few tears that evening in the study. They were both in their pyjamas, and Elliot wanted to sit with me for a while which was nice and I encouraged him to let his feelings out. He had had a good day and thank goodness he knew nothing of his parents' decision about his future, but of course he was sad to see them go back home to Germany. It's a case of 'sufficient unto the day.'


The tea was a great success and all four of us had fun. I told Elliot to let R K and his parents have a chat on their own so that's why we went off to the loo. I had no idea that they were going to take him out from the Abbey…….I found out just a few minutes after Elliot did. It was unfortunately just before the last term time Evensong on the Wednesday. Great timing I don't think.

On that dreadful night just before the Easter holiday, well not holidays for us choristers. We'd done all the special services, the last one being on the Easter Sunday afternoon. I know he shouldn't have done it, and it must have been awful for Raf……..just dreadful. I saw him go out into the city on his own about nine o'clock that night, I think it was. I just happened by sheer fluke to have got up to go to the loo, and I saw him leaving through the main gate which you can see from the lavatory window. His head was down and he looked dreadful.

Raphael's lapse……much later……..

It was just such a bloody mad thing to have done, and such a ridiculous waste. He wrote it all down……..what happened and so on, and posted it to me at school early the following term. I thought for years that I should destroy it, but I never have. I'll have to one day………I don't want another living soul to read it. Elliot never will thank goodness. Before I reproduce his letter here, I must explain a few things for it all to make sense.

Different boys react differently to a boarding situation. For some, it's all they could have dreamed of………freedom from parental domination and mates to recreate with all day, and all night if they want to……..apart from the irritation of the academic side. For others, it's a form of purgatory, and they can't wait to get out of it. For most, it's somewhere in between. The Abbey had its fair share of Service kids boarding, and I don't know why really, but they were often awkward sods. One such was a boy called Jeffrey……he was by no means the worst behaved of them, but he was easily lead. The worst ones were devious and unpleasant at best, and did all they could to make like as awkward as possible for anyone in authority…..mainly RK, and to a lesser extent, his prefects. RK really ran the place in effect and had a lot of power. Now Jeffrey was one of those quite cute looking fifteen year olds who looked much younger than he was……he looked no older than thirteen and had a shock of blond hair, rather straw like in texture, but well-groomed and neat with a bit of a parting. I remember he had very full rather sexy lips and blue eyes and a little nose, and was quite short for his age…….not thin, in fact quite well built for a smallish boy, and he had a very winning smile. He was good at all games and sports representing the House at everything apart from swimming, and also school teams at several sports. Something else…….he had a very cute bottom, something that always appealed to Raf, and me come to that, just thinking of Elliot. Yes, Jeffrey was a sexy boy…..and quite flirtatious…..cuddly even………and he was often referred to as 'cuddles'. Raf tended to rise to that, and maybe that was the beginning of the problem. He thought that Jeffrey quite fancied him. Jeffrey in terms of personality wasn't, or shouldn't, have been his type at all. The other thing about Jeffrey which I suppose I shouldn't really mention because it isn't anything to do with him, is that he had a tiny penis…..not just a small one, but tiny, and circumcised…and a similarly tiny scrotum containing something hopefully buried in there somewhere in his tummy probably. Everybody sees everyone in the buff on a regular basis in a boarding school and there was no way the exact nature of Jeffrey's endowment would go unnoticed. I should say that the size of a boy in that department made absolutely no difference to his attractiveness in any way to us. We loved them for what they were, not for what they had. Anyway…….here is his letter, with one or two bits left out.

Dear Owen,

By now you'll probably all know all the gory details because news travels fast around a boarding house as well we know.

I keep turning the whole thing over in my mind and I can't understand what got into me, honestly Owen I can't. I think it was the letter…..the one from Oxford? I was totally euphoric when I got it and just felt full of love and joy for everyone around me. Poor you, I put you through it a bit that first evening didn't I, and I'm sorry. I don't know if I would have done it if Jeff hadn't been in the next bed to me. I don't think I would if it had been any of the others, apart from one! I suppose I thought he wouldn't mind. How stupid can you be? I had no reason to think that of course, apart from him and I getting on quite well. I always thought that he sort of would quite like to I suppose….body language and all that. How wrong can you be. And then to do the exact same thing the next night?

Did you hear them singing in the bathroom… the Eton boating song? Mr Ackland heard it from the flat. I felt sick all day after that…..and the comments at breakfast. I'm a sex maniac apparently. I knew what was coming. Mr Ackland mentioned it that afternoon when he saw me initially having discussed it all with the Head. I'll never forget listening to it in his sitting room……not a specific accusation though…I never did hear that. For all I know Jeff's story could have been elaborated. I'll never know of course exactly what I was accused of. Anyway, I wasn't going to lie because it's happened hasn't it? I did touch him…through his pyjamas with some difficulty [don't laugh please] and the next night he had two pairs of thick pants on!! I've let everyone down, I know that perfectly well….especially you Owen…..and Elliot too. I offered to leave of course……it would have been interesting to have known what they would have done if I hadn't offered. That doesn't bear thinking about. I'm going to stop now…….go for a walk or something. I don't know what I'm going to do…get a job I suppose. She's not said, but my mother is in a terrible state Owen. How could I have done it? Oh shit Owen…shit shit shit.

PS Do you still love me? Surely not now? I just want you to know that I will always love you and be in my thoughts, but I expect nothing back from you.

Yours as ever, and always, Raphael xxxx

There were other letters from him and my replies. Interestingly, he said he had had letters from other boys too, hoping that he was ok. I thought that was nice.

RK was summoned to see Mr Ackland, our Housemaster, about five that afternoon. I can remember all the details quite clearly. After tea, which RK wasn't at, we both went out to a rather grotty café so he could inform me properly of what was happening. He said Ackland was surprisingly good about it really……almost sympathetic. So he should have been because Jeff's can be a little shit really, and Raf did a huge amount to support Ackland, virtually running the place, and bloody well at that. It's a tragedy for him, poor bloke. I know I'm going to miss him horribly….and that too. And now Elliot. Bloody hell…I think I'll become a monk…..I'll have to.

I couldn't bear seeing him in the distress he obviously was in before he went off into the City, so I dressed quickly and ran out to find him. I saw him leave and I caught up with him just outside the Close and under a street lamp. He was sitting there on a bench crying. We walked round the city aimlessly not speaking for long periods. We found our way to the Castle grounds and saw no one and then stopped and sat on a bench and we held each other and cried and cried. It was a good half hour before I asked…..

'I think we might get locked out…'

'No we won't…..Ackland knows I'm making myself scarce…..said he'd do it at eleven. It's only ten now. I'm in the sick room tonight….I'm not allowed in the dorm…and I'm going tomorrow. Matron's going to run me to the station after school starts. I've collected all my books from the form room so that's done. Everything else they'll send on. I saw the Head too…..he was rather nice actually. He started by saying 'I can't tell you how sorry I am' and so on. Yes, he was really rather nice about it, surprisingly.'

He started crying again……I felt so terribly sad for him…and me too. I hadn't heard about all this until he told me after Evensong. It was the last term time one before Easter and an important one at that attended by more than the usual fifteen or so. By some act of providence, Elliot's parents had been delayed until the Thursday, so he hadn't been told that he also was leaving. He'd been on edge all day because of his Handel solo……the 'I know that my Redeemer liveth' aria. He'd been working on it for weeks. It's not that difficult a piece, but very long for a youngster like him. It's an aria that one of the older trebles would normally perform, but Elliot's pure bell like tone fitted the sense of the words perfectly, so Mr Ansty had made the somewhat brave to decision and asked him to do it.

I think Mr Ansty's decision was also to welcome back this most wonderful of prodigal sons.

The whole choir stood, although there is only the one voice throughout the five minute long piece. After a nervous start he got into it well, and drew confidence I'm sure from the unseen prayers of those men and boys around him, all of whom were well aware of the enormity of the task for one small boy. It was a much as we could do to stay in control of our emotions, even the men, or perhaps especially the men. One of us couldn't. I felt the hand of one of the tenors standing behind me touch my shoulder. At the end, there was a very long pause before the Dean started his address….justifiably so. Elliot just stood there expressionless…..probably in shock. He'd just achieved something that would have been unthinkable two months ago. It has been a transformation, almost miraculous.

R K was there, but out of sight. He couldn't possibly have missed it, but I can't imagine what thoughts were going through his mind…bitter sweet no doubt. After the service, there was a small tea party as it was the last Evensong and Mr Ansty made a bit of a fuss over Elliot.

Mr Ackland, Housemaster.

Elliot's a completely different boy now. I have not the faintest idea what has turned him around but something, or someone has. I know he's come to the attention of the Head Boy of Ferring House via Owen Morgan which might well have something to do with it as he's known to be quite inspirational and…..from what I understand, likes to get close to the boys….rather too close judging by the note on the staff room board that went up after lunch. We all know it happens, but it's always rather sad when it does for all concerned. I know he was one of the top trebles in his time and often attends services.

I saw Raphael sitting out of the way in the south transept of the Abbey. He didn't stand at any stage and had his head buried in his hands in the last hymn which was, rather poignantly, 'The day Thou gavest Lord is ended'…….enough said I suppose. The chap was obviously distressed. Elliot did his bit extremely well it has to be said. It's a tough ask but he rose to the occasion very well….a few errors but…..really very promising. I wouldn't mind betting he'll be one of our stars in a couple of years. I saw him glance sideways at Owen just before he began the aria, and Owen mouthed something. Not being a lip reader, I couldn't quite tell what he had said, although I like to think I do know, but whatever it was, it worked. I do hope I was right. I think that boy has a huge amount to offer and if that's what it takes to foster his development, then so be it.


I've been thinking about it a lot. The only reason why this happened was because Ackland had put R K in the dorm where the trouble was….to keep a careful eye on things and snuff out any trouble before it really got going. You can see his thinking perfectly well. But if he'd stayed where he was, up in the small room with two of his fellow prefects, it wouldn't have happened would it? Well, you could say that, but on the other hand, he didn't have to do what he did, did he. In his letter to me, he refers to 'the letter from Oxford'. The letter informed him of his acceptance on to a course to read Fine Art with History of Art. He'd been to an interview there some three weeks earlier and had just heard the good news the day before the 'incident'. He was in a state of euphoria I've no doubt which clouded his judgement. He showed me the letter and I was so pleased for him. I immediately gave him a big hug. I felt like he needed a reward from me.

'Can we Owen……like now? Please Owen?'

'What now…'

'Umm…..right here…'

I suppose it was as good a place as any, and the chances of being disturbed were minimal, so we did it. It was all a bit rushed and urgent, but very exciting. He'd come prepared and despite being in full school uniform we decided we wanted to go the whole way. Neither of wanted to undress so we did it fully dressed, blazer and all. The only thing I removed was my shoes!

'I want to see your face this time Owen….please.'

With my trousers and pants lowered no more than was necessary, and my knees raised as high as I could get them, and held back with my hands, he made me ready. He knelt between them and showed himself to me. Gripping his shaft with his fist he showed me what to expect, the tip glistening and shiny with the familiar pre-ejaculatory fluid, only this time slightly milky looking. I think he must have been in severe need. It was one of those very rare times when he actually caused me pain…but it was only fleeting. He came quickly as he banged into me hard, and right up inside me. I don't think I could have taken ten minutes of so thank goodness he came quite fast, and it was quite obvious that he had flooded me rather. I love the feeling I get from RK and I want it as much as he can possibly give me…and more. As usual, I could feel him come in several pulses, his hands gripping my sides even through my blazer, grey pullover and shirt, but despite this I had marks there when I later inspected myself for damage!

We had nothing to deal with the situation when he'd finished with me which I knew from the past was going to be an issue. Flushed and surprised really by his urgency, I sat through tea slightly spaced out and in a state of bemused, almost amused, wonderment at his impromptu performance. I caught his wry smile coming from the adjacent table, while I sat there rather uncomfortably and with a distinct leaking sensation. I just hoped it hadn't gone all the way through. I loved the way he did it to me like that. I'm desperate to please him because I love him….I do….I really do. You see, I'm his whenever he wants me. Usually we planned for an 'event' but the unplanned spontaneity of it all I found terribly exciting, but despite that, and due to the sheer speed at which he completed the job, I hadn't come. As I sat at tea, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it in some detail which made it awkward when it came to our table's turn to go up to the serving hatch. It's a strange feeling to stand in a queue of boys with a massive hard on, feeling a trifle damp in certain parts, albeit hidden by one's blazer……no one knowing………strange indeed……….no one knowing what two boys had just done.

Elliot, the Prodigal Son?

I had no idea that my parents were there at Evensong. I was nervous as hell before my solo. Although I had practiced until I was blue in the face, thanks to R K mainly, there was still the thought in my mind that I would fluff it somehow. There are a few sung pieces before the anthem, like the responses and a setting of the Magnificat and Nunc Dimitis which we always do, and I just had to wait anxiously for my bit. Just before the organ began the introduction to the Handel piece, Owen tapped me on the hip. As I turned towards him wondering what he could possibly want at this fairly critical moment, he whispered the words 'we love you'. I looked at Mr Ansty who had both hands raised ready to lead me in. He was smiling, and his eyes were all round with his eyebrows sort of up. In practice he told me to just look at him and not think about anything else…..and never look at anyone apart from him….and he was right! It worked perfectly……well, a bit perfectly! Although it lasts for over five minutes, it seemed to go by in a flash. At the end I felt relieved…and elated too….and then weirdly flat. I could hardly make a sound in the last hymn. I felt like crying…..especially when I thought about what Owen had said.

Elliot's parents.

We told him that we would be there a day later…that his father had a meeting he had to attend in Stuttgart. We didn't want him to feel under any more pressure than he was under already, what with his solo piece and everything. When we arrived quite early, to minimise the chances of seeing Elliot by accident, we took advice from the verger who showed us where to sit where he wouldn't see us. He quite understood.

'Ah, I see. Right, if you come with me I'll show you where……just past this pillar…….he'll not be able to see you here.'

By the end of Elliot's piece we were both quite overwhelmed, and at that moment and independently of each other, we had both decided that we were wrong. We never did tell Elliot of our intention to remove him from the school. It would have served no useful purpose.


'What do you think Owen…do I look ok?'

'Hmm……not bad I suppose. Here…..let me do you tie again, it's too short……..there…..that's better. Now you'll do.'

I'm sure he's grown a bit. Goodness me, he's…..he's just him .

Mr Ackland let us go out with Elliot's parents tonight. I made an excuse for Raf……..there was no way I can tell him tonight, but I will have to tomorrow. I wasn't expecting what happened towards the end of dinner. About half way through the Elliot's mother had a question.

'I'm so sorry to hear about Raphael Kelly boys. I can't understand why he would leave so suddenly. He's got his A Levels next term hasn't he? Do you know anything about it Owen?'

There was a horrible silence, and we must have looked stunned….Elliot certainly did…..and then he was distraught. Of course I knew the situation but I couldn't possible tell them the truth of the matter. I lied, hoping that it was going to work as a short term measure. Fortunately, it did. I came out with the obvious, and a fairly common reason for boys' departures……financial problems at home.

Of course it didn't add up logically, like why does a boy leave two days from the end of term? All the things I would have done at that moment, I couldn't do for Elliot, as we watched his face gradually crumple as the truth dawned on him. Almost expressionless in disbelief, the tears began trickling down his cheeks, dropping off his chin onto the napkin below. His parents had no idea that he would react like that…not the slightest, and it was their turn to look on their son in disbelief.

The rest of the evening was difficult as you might imagine. Elliot's mood oscillated between upset and anger……anger that he hadn't been told and had been denied the opportunity to say goodbye in the way he would have wanted to, to someone who had become dear to him. It had been a day of highs and desperate lows…..he was exhausted. For Elliot's parents there were some worrying questions that would, thank goodness, remain unanswered.

Elliot and I found some time to be together the next day, Thursday. I explained everything to him….all of it. It was up to him what he told his parents in due course.

I wanted to be with Raf that last night, but it was never going to be possible…not even for five minutes. He was strictly forbidden to associate with anyone. I took a big risk walking with him that night in the city, but I would have done it a thousand more times if I could. I didn't see him on the Thursday morning at all of course, and presumably by mid-morning he was gone for ever, barely leaving a trace. Of course he had left something……what he had contributed to the lives of his friends, both good and bad. So there he was…..somewhere on a train, no doubt observing the passing landscape, undone by moments of madness, misjudgement, and a misguided affection for a lesser being. There but for fortune go any of us?

Some time later. Owen reflects on the past.

I'm sitting here again; in fact I'm quite a regular visitor these days. I come here for the music more than anything, as often as my time allows. The best time is any weekday, late afternoon when the boys sing. It's naturally full of memories for me, as I once did the job they are doing now here at the Abbey. The old order has gone, to be replaced by another generation of England's boyhood to serve and enjoy their creative duties as best they might. I'm here because I noticed on the published weekly service information that one of my favourite hymns was being used this evening. It's only a short walk from where I live and I'd really like to hear it. I know how it will affect me, because it always does. I can still see the faces and hear the sounds they made….those two boys I knew so well………and loved.

The service has finished, but I'm still here, in a familiar place, oak carved stalls uncomfortable on the back, still hearing those sounds long since faded into the golden stone…….. gone for ever into that lofty octagonal void. I did try to sing it…..but yet again I just couldn't do it.

I can see Elliot now, emerged now from his darkness into a new light. I have his photo in my wallet where I've kept it these past years…….the one R K took to celebrate his 'makeover'. I think this is the nicest one………exactly two weeks before it all happened.

The music was good today, as it usually is here, lucky with good endowments for the fortunate choral scholars which ensure a flow of treble voices. There are some strong ones, each taking their turn to do the high profile bits…clearly excited by each new challenge. There's a new one too. Last time I saw him, he was a probationer. He looked so small, dwarfed by the heavy scarlet cassock. He'd not graduated to the white surplice then, but I see today he's wearing one. So now he's a fully paid up member of the club. I'm very pleased about that, and by the look of his smiling face, he is too.

The resemblance is quite clear……there's no doubt about it……it is Marcus. Isn't it strange how things come full circle?

They'll be closing up soon. I'll wander around the Close for a while, or perhaps take a stroll by the river. Either one will do tonight. One thing I do know is…..the day thou gavest…… is ended, but of course there's another one tomorrow.


If that kind of music might appeal, or even if it doesn't, try the links below. I should say that neither place has anything remotely to do with the author, or this story.

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