Remembering Ryan

by Rafael Henry

Chapter 9

We did talk, for twenty minutes. I found out a lot about him, his small family and some very personal history. There are no big problems here that I can ascertain, not that my experience as a boy councillor amounts to much. Just a low hurdle to be jumped I think. Lying in the grass together we have got into a good conversation about things of mutual interest.

'Relationships are a basic human need Felix. As soon as I saw you on that bus, I thought you worth knowing. I thought, now there's a beautiful human being. [Felix smiles]. I can tell straight away. Relationships, friendships you could call them, happen all the time. They are not things to be afraid of, but to be explored and developed if you want to. You don't have to continue anything if you feel it's not right for you, or not enjoyable. They can exist on many levels, like saying hello in the street and nothing more. Not even a conversation. Or, if you want or need much more, like now, here together with me, that's possible too. You don't have to say or do anything. We can just be together for a while and then not. Never again. It's simple if you're not afraid. Do you know what Felix? You're going to make me very sad in a minute.'

That set us both off, just for a couple of minutes. It sounds so corny but we held hands.

'There. See the effect you have on me?'

Felix smiles, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Two silly boys lying in the grass weeping about nothing. Maybe we just need to do this every so often, no particular reason being needed?

I leaned towards his face and kissed Felix's cheek, lightly but with feeling. His skin felt acceptingly warm and soft.

'Did you mind that? Sorry, if you did. I just thought you might like it.'

'No one has ever done that before Simon.'

'Apart from your mum?'

'Yes, apart from her.'

'What about your dad?'


Not like Lucien then. That's the first thing he'd want to do.

'So did you like it then, what I just did, or did it alarm you?'

'Yes I did like it, and no it didn't frighten me.'

His face has changed. It looks open and receptive, quite suddenly.

'Another? Like the last one?'

This one is longer lasting as I hold his head in my hands. I didn't move his head, he did. The next one wasn't on his soft cheek, it was full on his mouth. We release to breathe. I know that with me, certain kinds of kisses start movement down below. This connection has lasted some time. I want to try another, and when we come together once more, Felix is keen. I take a momentary peek at Felix to see if there any changes. There are. Now let this thing settle for a while Simon. There was no experience in that fleeting mouth to mouth kiss, but for him it may have been a giant leap forward. Go carefully Simon. A few seconds into the next coming together, he bends his knee and drapes his right leg over mine, and leaves it there. Throughout our kissing, his legs had been very mobile. Embarrassed now he turns onto his tummy, his arms folded under his chin. He's looking at me as I lie beside him. I look down and see the material of his little play shorts stretched tight over his buttocks. My hand that was cupped around the boy's back slips lower. I leave it there, perfectly placed to give me pleasure and I strongly suspect, him too. And what a pleasure this is.

'Will you tell me about David please?' Felix quietly asks. I'm taken aback by his question. Why?

'What about him Felix?'

'How you met him. Where you went together. What you did?'

Oh, story time is it? This could be the perfect way forward.

Are we talking seduction here? Umm, maybe. But in a way that lets Felix call the tune.

I kept our story relatively unencumbered with specifics, relying more on the emotional aspects rather than the physical, but with a few heavy hints. I tried to explain the different ways boys can love one another, avoiding any descriptions of sexual activity, which there was from the outset.

'Do you still love him. Even now he likes this girl?'

'Oh yes of course. Why would I feel differently? Ok, some things will change, but not how I feel about him. But it has to be a different kind of love now.'

'Was there another kind? When you slept in the same bed together?'

'No, just the same kind but with ourselves close,physically speaking, Put it this way Felix, I loved his body, every part of it, inside and out. I was always excited by him, how he looked, how he felt, what he wanted. We made each other feel good. It just added more colours to the picture. It made our lives brighter, more meaningful, richer.'

'And more fun?'

'Yes, and a lot more fun.'

I saw Felix laugh for the first time. Really, the very first time as he moves his body forwards a little, into the grass, back again, and then repeats the movement, quite obviously stimulating himself.

'What are you doing Felix?' I ask.


'Yes you are. Do you do that in bed?'


'Does it work for you. Doing it like that?'

No answer, just another blank look, open mouthed.

I had started to move my hand which is still planted firmly on Felix's bottom. I use a finger-tip to trace the lines that stand slightly proud. I'm sure the tingling has started for him. It has for me.

'Shall we try another one Felix?' I ask, pushing his hip away, trying to turn his body over to face me once again. Slowly he complies. As I look down, so does he. Oh good, everything is in fine working order, so far.

This is a definite improvement on the first attempts at a decent kiss. There's more movement of the boy's mouth and lips but no tongue as yet. That's a bit of a step, getting tongues involved. That means an exchange of body fluid to an extent which for a beginner like Felix might take some accepting. A fondling hand slipped into your pants and wrapped around willy is one thing, but a warm and wet mouth around it, and a mobile tongue tip working at the frenulum nerve endings is quite another.

I took Felix for a pleasant tour of the early phase of my relationship with David, and mentioned Ryan too, en passant. The images I can conjure up are affecting Felix beautifully, and me too, needless to say. A rest is needed, for both of us, as we lie on our sides. Forget mouths now. There's other business to attend to. Then quite out of the blue he asks…..

'Can I touch it Simon?'

Is the Pope Catholic?

I continue the gentle massage I've kept up for the last few minutes. I could happily go on with this all day with Felix. They are the most gloriously firm and shapely handfuls one could wish to encounter, but I'm careful not to intrude, but just enjoy the superficial, and imagine the potential joys within.

I'm thrilled at Felix's request.

'Why Felix? I'm just another boy aren't I?'


'Oh thanks. Will this be a first for you Felix?'


'That's nice. Go on then.'

When I pull the waistband of my shorts forward to make a space for Felix's hand and show him more, he's not slow in coming forward. He slides his right hand in between my pants and shorts, fingers and thumb tentatively enclosing.

'Go on then. Much harder Felix. You're tickling.'

'Like this?'

'That's better.'

'It's hard Simon.' Felix comments, as if it's some sort of surprise to him.

'Well yes, it will be. What about yours?'

'Me too.' He answers, as if I didn't know. He disappointingly withdraws his hand.

'That's good then.' I say, not to be discouraging.

'What you and David talked about that first night. Did you do it?'

'I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'do it' Felix, but yes, we did do something. It just seemed a right thing to do. A beautiful and right thing for us to do at the time. We just wanted to share ourselves with each other.'

'You won't laugh will you?' He asks coyly.

'Of course I won't laugh! Why would I? You are very beautiful Felix. It's my turn now. Would you mind?'

I suspect Felix doesn't get many compliments as I begin to tire of all this politeness. But patience is a virtue; up to a point. I push his shoulders so he relaxes onto his back again.

'Will you show me please?' I ask, smiling down at him.

With both thumbs hooked in, he pushes his lightweight shorts down, along with the not so attractive heavyweight underpants we all had just a year or so ago; and shows me. Oh gosh!

One never tires from seeing one for the first time, in whatever condition. This one isn't going to break any records but it's a neatly circumcised beauty. We both look for a few seconds and then Felix looks at me, half expecting some sort of criticism; as if I wasn't going to approve. That sort of look.

'May I touch?' I ask quietly.

A nod of the head does it, permission granted, so I slip my hand into the gap he's made for me between his legs and gently feel his balls. Smaller than David's, they are very mobile within their skinny textured pouch. I feel each one carefully, turning them over this way and that. When I gently press, I can feel the engorged hard root buried under the perineum. Above that rests the long shaft of his erection and at the very top is the perfectly sculpted glans, sans prepuce, and a scar more than an inch long. With the tip of one finger, I touch the 'V' shaped band of skin on the underside, packed full of nerve endings. The penis jumps when I touch it again. And then again, with three finger tips now. I feel his grip on me tighten, outside, and then relax, then tighten again almost painfully. As I continue my mini-massage, he changes his grip on me, now gripping and relaxing in a slow rhythm. Surprisingly, he's got it exactly right. If he goes on like this long enough?

'Can I feel you properly now Simon?'

'Yes, that would be nice.' Is my rather weak and pathetic reply, but an honest one. We are getting on very nicely here.

I make space for Felix's hand to rove over the stretched white cotton fabric, playing a little hard to get. One small step at a time is sensible in this situation. I'm incredibly aroused.

I'm barely aware of the boy's presence, kneeling beside my bed. He tugs at the bedclothes, gradually releasing them, making a little entrance half way down the bed. I'm aware now of the intrusion. I know the boy although I'm not looking. The hand enters the warm dark space as I turn sideways, my hands covering my hardening penis. I know exactly what this boy wants with me. To please both me and himself. He's been waiting for this moment for a while now, and I've been expecting it. He woke up and knew this morning. He's waited long enough. It's not long after six and the other boys are asleep and won't notice his presence in the room. It will be easy. The hand fondles my bottom and begins to pull at my pyjama bottoms, the drawstring undone. There's bare flesh now to play with. He turns me over towards him but my protecting hands are still there. He prizes them away, holds them with one hand so I'm now completely unprotected, and my resistance has crumbled. The other hand takes hold of my penis. Go on Gerald, you can do it now….please. Within a minute it's over for me. The hands are gone now as I turn my head towards the door and see him leave. I've been flirting with him for a while, and now this. The boy turns and sees me looking. He gestures me to follow him. With my heart beating almost audibly, I get out of my bed, reach for my dressing gown, and follow him down stairs to his study. I arrive a minute after him and find him sitting in a small wicker chair. I kneel beside him and open his pyjama bottoms.

'Can I see it?' Asks Felix, looking up and smiling.

'Yes, but you do it Felix.'

With my hips raised, he does do it, and possibly it's the first time he's ever revealed another boy in this way.

I watch his face as he stares at this revelation in all its vivid form, and in ways not unlike his.

'Can we put them together?'

We lean in towards each other and connect in this delightful way. Another attempt at a meaningful kiss. It's even better this time, and my hand is back on the boy's bare bottom again. We break for air.

'Tell me more about Ryan please?' He asks, a little breathless now.

This is a surprise. Of all the ways I could assist Ryan in his weeks of need, there was one thing above all else that he enjoyed. Can I mention what that was to Felix? I left one significant detail out of the re-run of the story. My actions towards Ryan were always born of necessity. There were important things he needed doing for him which he couldn't do for himself, one-handed as he was. Other things he might have wanted which he couldn't do for himself, but didn't get from me. I had David to play with. I didn't need to do those other things for Ryan, as much as he would have liked that kind of service provided. I knew I had to have a clear conscience at the end of the matter, and I have, more or less.

Some walkers have appeared on the path. They will be too close for comfort. We could be seen.

I don't suppose it's the first time two boys have engaged in a little sexual play up here in the grass, and not the last no doubt, but we can't go on with the game now. Acutely disappointing.

We've been quiet for a few minutes. It's good to have those periods of reflection when there's nothing going on, clothing reinstated, arousal faded like the tiny flowers on the thrift in August, wiped away from fear of discovery.

But the walkers have passed by now, and after another short kiss, mouth to mouth and clumsily wet, we feel each other through layers of material. When we stand, we laugh as we look at each other. Who cares. So what if people notice. I take Felix's hand. It feels firm and warm.

'Can we go for a walk again tomorrow Simon. Just like today?'

'There are no more days Felix.'

That old-fashioned word would describe his face. Crestfallen.

'David's back with Sandie tomorrow. But probably not until late in the afternoon.'

'Oh. I wanted to be Ryan.'

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