About Max

by Rafael Henry

Chapter 6

In Max's room, a little later.

Max was still in his red tartan pyjamas, leaning against the window sill, both elbows on it, looking out towards the mill……Cley Mill, a quarter of a mile to the east, looming up out of the reed beds. I went over to him but he didn't turn round but just kept looking out. I think he was trying not to look at me. I stand there for a moment……and then he's aware of my presence.

'It looks interesting doesn't it……..with that late evening light on it.'

'Yes, it does Max.'

I went over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He didn't move but just kept his gaze on the far distance. The white cap on the mill glowed a shade of mauve in the twilight, God's Hour as it is sometimes called, the sky behind it looked ultramarine……..rich, yet slightly foreboding. There was no wind, for a change…..just the sound of a late retiring sparrow near the window. I saw something white….……

'Did you see that Max……that white shape flying low over there?'

'Umm, that's our owl Raf. He's there every night. He flies around for ages. I often watch him.'

'Do you. I bet he knows you do………..birds are cleverer than we know.'

Max looked pensive……far away……….

'Is something the matter Max? You would tell me if there is wouldn't you?'

'No…..nothing is. What should I wear in bed?'

'Is that what you've been thinking about then…..just now?'

'No, not really. Well, a bit I suppose. I just want to be right that's all……the way you would like me to be.'

'You'll always be right Max, whatever you look like. It's you that matters. Anyway wear whatever you like………..what you usually have on I suppose.'

'Just a tee shirt usually……sometimes nothing if it's too warm….unless Henry stays.'

'What then Max…….what do you wear then?'

'A bit more if he's here. He likes that.'

'Why?'

'Oh, nothing really……it's just that he likes……… '

I didn't press the point suspecting I knew well what the answer would be. Max I think, will enjoy the process of the revelation of a human body and no doubt Henry does too. Max looked around and smiled at me. I wondered if there was tiny little message there.

'Shall I find you something then?'

'Umm, yes please…..and Raf………'

'What Max?'

'I'm excited. I can't help it, sorry'.

Oh, sweet boy…….excited indeed. Well as it happens, I am too……unbelievably so. I just can't wait to be with Max….to feel the warmth of him……just the sound of his sweet breath…..the smell of him…….the natural perfume possessed of this beautiful boy. A boy who fascinates me, involves me in ways I had hardly dreamed of or thought possible, and with whom I want to be.

I went over to the chest of drawers where Linda kept some of his clothes like socks and underpants and the like. They were all neatly piled…..all carefully flattened out and all the right way round and shipshape….nothing inside out. He seemed to have plenty to choose from. I chose a pair from the ones we had bought from Marks in the City. I like these as there's only a quite thin layer of good quality soft cotton material between the waistband and the seams around the legs, making the wearer nicely visible in between and within. I held them up as he turned to look.

'These?'

'Oh yes, those ones. Thanks Raf. Do you like them?'

'I do. That's why I chose them.'

'Why exactly?

'Never mind. Probably because they suit you.'

'I know why.'

'Do you? Well there's no need to ask then is there? Come on then…..'

I sat on the edge of his bed. It's not a double, but wider than the average single. It's a decent sized room with space either side of the bed……no carpet, just a rug…oriental……at its foot…..otherwise just polished pine boards. I could see Linda's sensitivity everywhere in the room……..low key and spare.

Max stood in front of me as I undid the buttons on his pyjama top from the top one to the bottom, then drawing them back over his shoulders and then across his back and placing them carefully onto the bed. It's an old brass and iron one, Edwardian probably, with a mattress that lay almost flat……just a slight dip in the middle, but not enough to make the night more intimate than it should be. I held him either side of his arms close to his shoulders.

'You're getting a big boy now Max……soon you'll have nice muscles here. Come on, let's get these off now, shall we?'

It wasn't a question of course. Max looked down and watched as I undid the neat bow he had tied in the cord which secured them around his waist. The cord had loosened somewhat and they hung quite low now…..barely supported by his narrow waist revealing that line we know all too well that angles down so beautifully into the groin. The knot came apart easily and I lowered them gently allowing him to step out of them, his hands on my shoulders. I folded the red tartan material carefully and placed them on the bed beside me on top of its counterpart.

'Look Raf……it does it easily now…….look, it goes all the way back now……right back. Why is it like that underneath?'

Max had demonstrated that skill to me before. He seems rather chuffed about it.

'That's good. It'll do that easily while it's like that Max.'

I doubt if I need to describe to you what I'm looking at, suffice it to say that Max is beautiful……there's no other word to use. This night is ours………mine and his…….especially his……the birthday boy. Tomorrow night, maybe I'll be Linda's for whatever she desires from me. I have an idea what.

Meanwhile it's Max standing before me, hands to his sides, held flat against his thighs like a boy swimmer preparing to dive, every inch of him a boy, proud and complete and perfect in his glory. I'm studying him now, and in particular one of the things that makes him the boy he is. Of course he notices……..

'Am I a good boy Raf? I really want to be.'

I smiled and nodded my approval.

'I think you know the answer to that young man. Now turn round please Max…….that's it……..now go forwards a bit……..yes, stay just like that. That's perfect.'

Imagine him now…….the column of vertebrae, straight and ending downwards from neck to the shadow….first imperceptible and wide and undefined, narrowing to deep shadowed and incised and sharply inward bound…….now lower still as the spinal column curves outward to the lines that fade…….light penetrates between thighs……his little balls outlined. He smells of soap from his bath, and with my hands I am drawing him closer as he steps back obediently……..the scent of him so very close now but he cannot see where I can see. With thumbs I part him gently and he smells a little stronger here….soap and skin…….warmth and flesh…….of what he is………….of what he may give another boy…..or man, one day. Yes, one day, maybe.

'Are you a sleepy boy?'

'Umm, a bit.'

'Go nite nite now?'

'Yes, but don't let me go please……….I want to go to sleep like this. You won't let me go will you? Say you won't?'

I said I wouldn't. How could I ever let him go?

The next morning. Max has woken. He says………

It wasn't the first time I had cried last night, but when he said it I cried again, and I'm sure he did too. He told me that he loved me.

Do I have to tell you everything? No…….anyway I can't….not here, but I am going to tell you what happened of course because I want to…….in my own way……IMOW……. in my own way . I can't describe it because I can hardly remember anyway……no, I want to tell you IMOW .

He's hardly touched me up to now even though I wanted him to. I know why…….because he doesn't want to frighten me probably……scare me. How could I be scared of him ? No……..never……and when he came over to me at the window last night………..I knew he would, and that's when it started really…….that moment when I felt his hand on my shoulder…..like a power going through me. That sounds a bit stupid but it did feel like that, really it did. I'm not silly am I? Please tell me I'm not?

The feeling went right down into my body……all the way down it, right to the middle of me……right inside me. I didn't move but just kept looking out into space. I wasn't seeing anything, but just feeling him…..his hand on my back…..so gentle. Roman boy…….that's what I want to be……..his Roman boy………and he's my master…….. te dominum meum . Yes! He's a Roman army general and we're his boys……..Maximus and Adamus! No , he should be Maximus and I should be Minimus! I've read about the Romans because we're doing Latin next term. Apparently it's all back to front. I've learnt some already……. Caesar, having conquered the Gauls, returned to Rome . Funny. How lovely to have been a Roman boy, and to have a lovely kind Master like I have. Umm……..and the things we do……….the things I want to do for him to make him happy, because that's what I want to do……make him happy because I love him…….I really do. I know you think I'm silly but it's just how I feel…….I can't help it can I?

We watched the white owl hunting. He's always there in the evenings going backwards and forwards low across the long grasses and over the reeds……round and round and round he goes. I'm sure he knows I watch him. I hope he does. He's my night spirit that flies around while I sleep. I'm him and he's me. He carries my life and my soul with him as he flies low over the marsh. I love all the birds round here and the silly things they do. It's almost as if they belong here more than we do. The wings of a dove. He played it for me yesterday. It made me cry. He did too. Perhaps that's me…..that bird?

I can't think straight. He must know how I'm feeling.

I watched him undo my pyjama bottoms while I stood in front of him……..I was already bare on top…..now I'm bare there too. I want him to see my penis like this………and then he turns me round and I can feel his breath on my skin.

I remember the towel after my bath, my arms held up for him, like I am now. I was like that then, like I am now. I love being like this just for him.

He's asleep and bare too. The birds are in full morning cry, squabbling in the front garden over something. It's light now. I know there's plenty of time left with him and I'm not going to let him get up….not for ages. I'm cuddled into his back now but he hasn't moved at all. He must be able to feel me surely?

I know what I did last night while he was asleep.

That was fun……..making his Minimus into Maximus! He didn't wake up. I don't want to wait now but I know it will be much better if I do.

He asked me about Henry too, so I told him. He liked that! Henry's a little bit babyish really but he's my best friend by far. I told him how we play together, like the Roman boys did. I asked Raf what the Roman boys wore…..I mean, did they have underpants or anything under their tunics? He said no they didn't…… although the richer ones might have had something a bit like it. Most had nothing under their tunics so their masters could get to them……whenever they liked basically. They had to be around all the time……..sort of available if they were needed for anything.

I thought he liked Henry……….I could tell by the way he kept smiling at him and asking him things at the party and afterwards too, but I'm not jealous. I love Henry because he's so cuddly amongst other things…….and kissing believe it or not. He started that the first time he came over to stay.

'Can we practice kissing a bit please Max?' he says in that soppy little voice of his he puts on for special occasions. I don't know where he got it from, this kissing lark. Anyway I did it because he'd probably cry if I didn't give in to him. It was great! It made you want to do other stuff really badly, so we worked out how to do that at the same time. He'd say……

'Max……is it bedtime yet? When can we go up?'

Of course I knew what that meant. One morning we both had sore mouths because we'd done too much of it! Mum noticed too.

'What's the matter with your mouth darling?' she'd say to Henry, who looked embarrassed. Then she realised I think. Henry sniggered a bit with his head down almost into his shredded wheat. I agreed to play with his bottom so long as he kept his pants on. Sore mouth? That wasn't the only thing that was sore…..he practically wore the poor little thing away one night. He's lovely though….really sweet with his wavy curls and nice bottom. He's got one of those, the lucky boy. Mine's just as good too…….Raf said it was……..and good to draw. He hasn't done any yet but he's going to. I'm going to be completely bare and just around the house doing anything I feel like. He said there was an artist called Rodin who did that…….just drew people wherever they were in his house. He said the drawings looked more natural that way. Mum's excited about it too.

He smells nice……….at the top of his back and his neck too…….sort of…….I don't know what really….. something . He likes my smell too……he calls it my boy perfume . He says it doesn't come in a bottle……but in nice shorts and grey jumpers……and not a huge amount underneath! That's me of course. Hmm……..his back feels lovely……and his shoulders too. I think he's turning over a bit. I think he must have felt me……it's right up and flat against his back. I want him to feel it.

I thought I could reach him and I could. He wouldn't let me if he was awake and anyway he wouldn't let me last night. He said it was all about me tonight, and not about him.

He calls them his pearls in a silk purse . He played with them for ages last night before I felt nice for the first time. I absolutely love it when he plays with me like that. Oooh yes! I'd like to feel nice again right now, but I know I have to wait. Waiting………always waiting……….but I won't have to wait long I'm sure. I made him touch my eyes……I've made them wet. They are not proper tears……….well just a bit maybe. When he realised, he called me his 'sweet darling'. That did start me off. I put my arms round him really tightly…….really hard…….both of us………almost until it hurt.

He's keeping me waiting, the cruel beast, but I know it is going to happen so I don't mind, in fact it's quite fun in an odd sort of way. Can I tell you in a few minutes?

I went back to sleep again afterwards, but I'm awake again now. It did happen……and something else too……..something really beautiful that makes me love him even more.

Henry came round this morning saying that his mum got him on the same sailing course that Raf gave me for my birthday. I know he got the idea from me, and he's going to be in my group……….the eleven to fourteen year olds. I think I'm pleased…..but I'm not totally sure though. I mean….is he going to want me with him all the time? I hope not because I might make new friends. I don't want to stick with him all the time, the soppy date. It starts on Monday. The week after it's the visit to my new school. We get shown where we're sleeping and all that stuff……which dormitory and so on. I'm really nervous so it's really good that Raf's around because he can tell me what to expect.

I went running this afternoon and all I could think about was last night and even though I was in a bit of a sweat with it all I felt very excited. It was a weird feeling. I had my old PE shorts on and they're a bit tight around my middle and they rub a bit I suppose. Maybe that's what it was. Mum saw me before I left.

'You're not going out in those are you darling? They're a bit on the small size dear. Don't you have any others? Are you going to see Raf darling…….I think he said he was at Morsten today? You won't bother him will you.'

Raf noticed which was funny. He said it put him off his work, the silly man. He was painting the creek….not the view towards Blakeney Church…….the other way towards the sea where the boats are tied together. There's a really good blue and white one there which he was doing. The creek was almost dry which is how Raf likes it. When I got there, there was a boy standing next to him, just watching him work. He said his name was Robert. He seemed nice, but quite young though. Raf always says how much he likes his 'visitors' as he calls them. It was just a little board he was working on……..he gave it to the boy. Later in the car on our way to Holkham I asked him why he gave the picture to Robert.

'Why not…….he was interested, so I gave it to him. What else would I do with it?'

Fair enough I suppose.

I love Holkham beach, but we didn't go onto it. We walked up the pathway and then through the pines to the east where you can see through the trees to the beach. There were loads of people with dogs and kids running about everywhere. The blackberry bushes aren't far away. We sat on a fallen log. I sat close to him and leaned on him a bit. I just want to be with him.

A bit later he put his arm round me and I looked at him. I knew what I wanted to do……like we did last night. He knew too, when I put my face near his. We just touched to start with……just our lips really lightly so you could hardly feel anything. Then a bit harder…….and then the tips of our tongues…….just the very tips…….kind of playing. It's beautiful……such a beautiful feeling.

'You're a naughty boy, do you know that Max?'

'Umm, I know.'

'Now look at you.'

'Well?'

'Come on……..let's walk some more.'

I looked down. I couldn't help it. It was when he kissed me……..it just happens. It'll soon go away when we start walking. He says it happens to boys my age all the time when they least expect it to happen. I like the feeling I get….a sort of ……nice feeling.

We went through the pine trees and out into the open towards the sea. The tide was coming in. A person on a horse was galloping along the edge of the water and a huge flight of geese went over with a few stragglers behind them making a massive whooshing noise…….thousands of them flying in a weird formation really low. We watched them pass over and then they all landed about half a mile away behind the trees on the far side on some marshy looking grass. Fantastic! I didn't realise it but I'd got hold of his hand. I don't even remember doing it but he didn't take his hand away……he kept it there and squeezed mine once or twice.

He always keeps water in a bottle to drink when he goes out. Between us we polished it off in double quick time. I love his car…..the MG. We had the hood down and just sat in it quietly. The sun had gone in but it was warm. Raf said how brown my legs were getting…..apart from that bit at the top because my shorts cover the skin there. It looks really white there.

'You have beautiful legs Max. Has anyone ever told you that?'

'No…….no one has. You're the first person to say that Raf. Will those hairs go dark do you think?'

'Probably. I like them like that……all golden and reflecting the light…….very pretty…….just like your arms.'

We sat in the car for ages. I liked what he said about my legs. There's loads of legroom in a 'B' so I leant right back in the passenger seat and stretched my legs out as far as they would go, lifting one up a bit and then the other making the muscles go tight. Raf was looking at them smiling. Then I asked him…..

'Will you come with me please………when we go for my visit to the school?'

'Of course I will if mum says she would like me to. I'd be interested to see it actually……to compare it with our place.'

'It's a bit scary though………I'm nervous about it all Raf.'

'Of course you are……you're bound to be, partly because you want to do well there. It's just a new challenge Max. You'll cope with it perfectly well, once you're in the swing of it, as my mother used to say. There will be difficult moments, but we all have to face those from time to time. You'll just have to be strong and think about the people who love you when things get a bit tough. Can you do that do you think?'

'Yes, probably……I mean yes…..of course I will. Mum…….and you. Do you love me?'

I wanted to hear him say it again. He did say it.

'Tell me again please.'

'I love you Max.'

Raf slept in mum's bedroom last night. He came and said goodnight and stayed a bit with me. We didn't say much. Then he just rubbed my shoulder gently and got up and waved, smiling, as he shut my bedroom door. I wished he was staying. It's not usually completely closed unless mum wants me to leave her alone until the morning and it was ages before I could get to sleep so I heard them. I couldn't help listening although I tried not to, and I knew what they were doing……at least I think so. There were definitely sounds……..different sounds, like people noises……people trying to be quiet sounds.

The more I tried not to hear anything, the more I could hear.

I remember hearing stuff when Laura was living here. I used to block my ears up, but even though her room is across a landing the walls are so thin you can't help hearing stuff. Laura used to make noises…….I knew it was her, not mum. I wanted to hear Raf because……well I don't know exactly why really. I think it's because he'll be happy maybe…….it would mean that mum's making him happy. That would be good……..I want him to be happy with us…….both of us.

I did hear him……….I wish it happened with me but it didn't…….or hasn't. I know that's what sex is……between a man and a woman. Hearing Raf like that made my tummy feel funny…..a nice 'funny' though……an interesting 'funny'. Later I felt bad about what I did because I shouldn't have done it.

I crept out of my room after the noises started, and listened just outside on the landing and I leaned against the edge of the door. I found Raf's noises really exciting and I started to do something I felt bad about. I really wanted to so I just did it right there and then. It sounded like there was something the matter with Raf, but it wasn't that at all and right at the end I was imagining I was the one with him……..that it was me and him, not him and mum…….us……..together………..touching……….then quite quickly it was over……for both of us…..first him, and then me just a few moments after him. Everything went quiet.

Raf promised to run this morning. We're going to Cley beach again, and then along towards Blakeney Point but I doubt if we'll go that far. It's miles to the seals so we might not, and anyway I want to lie in the dunes for a bit and then swim, but the tide will be coming in at the time we're there. I looked at our tide table which tells you when and how high the water will get……..you need one of those round here. Henry asked if he could come. I asked Raf and he said ok…..we'd call for him at his house in Cley but if he wasn't ready we'd just go and leave him. I know Raf likes him. He calls him 'my cute friend' meaning my cute friend of course, not his. Henry keeps on about him though which annoys me. Anyway, he's coming with us. He's a good runner……quite thin and small for his age so he just skips along easily with no effort it seems to me. When he runs, he hardly seems to touch the ground…..he's so nimble and hard to catch when we play tag. That's why he's so good at rugby I suppose. He plays for one of the Colts team at the Rugby Club.

We ran with rucksacks on our backs so we could have a towel each and a drink and some bread and marmalade. I love marmalade sandwiches. Mum wasn't expecting us back for ages so we thought we'd stay out near the Point for a while to watch the seals. We didn't make the Point because Henry got tired and wanted to rest which I was glad about. We made a little camp in a hollow in between two dunes and used our towels to lie on. The tide was quite far in which actually made swimming easier and less sandy as we stood on the shingle rather than the sandy part lower down. We got dried, but didn't put our shorts back on. Raf swam in his pants although he needn't have bothered……..you could see everything through them when they were wet. Henry kept giggling and I told him to shut up. He's not actually that hairy……….hardly at all, and I know he hasn't got any around his bits. I thought you got tons there but he hasn't.

Henry keeps wanting to fight. He does this all the time these days, like he keeps wanting to lie on me and stuff. He got that idea ages ago when he stayed over when his parents went away somewhere and mum agreed to have him at our house. We'd have a bath together and one evening he got his foot stuck between my legs…..like in my bottom because we'd go in facing each other with one person's legs outside the others so we'd just about fit in the bath. I think he did it deliberately, so I did it back to him. He thought that was fun. It was quite funny.

Raf surveys the scene.

We didn't get anyway near the Point. I think the boys were more interested in playing than in exercising properly. I wanted to run on, but I didn't want to leave them to swim on their own of course so I relented. I couldn't risk an accident………we're trained to risk assess these days…….everything. We put our towels down well back from the water [having assessed the rate of tidal inflow, ho ho] and I took the boys' shorts and underpants from them, folded them carefully, and packed them in my rucksack. It was good to get it off my shoulders. The gentle breeze from the south made the air feel warmer than normal for relatively early morning, plus the effect of the sun, now well up in the east over Sheringham and the Cromer Ridge. I watched the boys playing chase across the drying sand, pebble strewn, carefully avoiding the larger ones which they knew would hurt if they landed on one heavily in their bare feet. I felt inexplicably tearful as I stood there admiring their forms, twisting this way and that to avoid capture, laughing in that girly way young boys do, all treble and shrill, now splashing each other annoyingly, skin reflective now, low sun reflecting gold, their boy parts white and active, bouncing, tiny looking and lagging behind their faster growing bodies. They'll catch up in due course, but now they're in no hurry, content to be patient and provide endless amusement for their inquisitive owners. Cold water shrunk…..white bottoms…….hands protecting fronts against small breakers half way up thighs…..little leaps to avoid the approaching and inevitable discomfort……….they're turning and shouting now……..

'Come on Raf……..coward!'

'Cowardy cowardy custard!'

I join them…………duck dive…………weave and turn…………….get caught…………….escape…………swim deeper………….get caught again by Henry who clings on. Max, not out of his depth, watches while Henry clings on, arms around my neck pulling harder than is comfortable, legs tight around my middle and his face pressed hard into my neck, mouth open….

'Hold me Raf, I'm slipping down!'

I hold him with my spare hand, palm upwards under him taking his weight reduced now by the effect of the salt water but I still feel his weight in the palm of my hand, the other around his neck, fragile and slender. I find the very central place……where best to take his weight…….hidden by water………the most effective place to support him. Henry relaxes his grip on my neck and settles his body lower and is content to rely on me now as he is aware of my pressure……….and now he's sure. We stay like this as Henry moves against me, clinging a little harder now, his hands behind my back, face pressed in. I look back towards the beach……….Max, unsure, is standing, looking on. Henry lets me go now, arching his body, and with head and arms thrown backwards he lands with a splash on his back, head temporarily disappeared…..his middle clear of water, shiny in the light, excited……..

'Come on……….let's get him! Let's get the beast!' they shout……

They come at me from both sides in a well worked pincer movement………

'Resistance is futile! Resistance is futile!' they shout, hands whipping up water….

Indeed so. After a brief struggle, the sagging waterlogged garment I was wearing, I am no longer.

I'm fine with nudity, and in this situation I don't have a choice. The boys are fine with it too, especially mine it would seem, which amuses Henry somewhat. The boys are back in their makeshift camp well before I've finished my swim. Henry was doing his best to annoy Max.

'Henry! Get off me please! What are you doing Henry? Stop it…………..please! Ow…….that hurts!' …….and so on.

I put my shorts on and walked further along the deserted beach quite glad of some quiet time to take in the atmosphere of this place. I do a lot of wandering and thinking, turning over possible ideas for new work. I'm also in the habit of looking back, both literally and metaphorically. I looked back for no particular reason. I could see Henry lying on his side some fifty yards away looking androgynous with his fair curls matted with seawater and little rivulets of dried salt along his back from the water that had escaped from wet hair, and propped up on an elbow. He could have almost been a girl. Almost all of Max was hidden, save for a pair of feet….toes skywards…..and hands clasped behind his head. I imagined that poor Max might have given in to Henry's persistence. Perhaps the boys were just talking.

There was no sign of another human walking on the beach. The dog walkers don't come here but the bird watchers and proper walkers do of course. I wandered further and it must have been another five minutes before I heard Henry's voice behind me. He was running, naked, towards me, waving one arm……..

'Raf! Raf!'

He caught up with me, just a little breathless…..

'Can you come back please…………..[pause to draw breath]………..Max is upset……….'

I knew Max was getting anxious about going away, but it hadn't been of great concern to me. When I reached him less than a minute later, he was on his side facing away, his head almost in a clump of marram grass. I have to admit that my first thought was how magnificent he looked…….his long legs slightly drawn up and his hands either side of his head…………..exposed and quite beautiful. Henry was right……….Max had been crying. Henry sat on his knees next to me as I identified the problem which was, as I expected, his feeling of uncertainty about his immediate future……..leaving home for a strange place where he would feel alone no doubt, emotionally vulnerable and unloved, despite the best efforts of the resident staff. Of course I have dealt with a situation like that many times and found myself able to empathize with young boys, and some older ones come to that, who felt suddenly bereft and at a loss. Yes, it can happen quite suddenly and anywhere, but usually confined to weeping quietly under bedclothes where no one will see or hear them, thus avoiding the unpleasant truth…………you are homesick.

Max's agony was short lived following our comforting and reassuring words. I say 'our' because Henry had his say too, bless him, plus a few sympathetic tears of his own, followed by a gentle kiss on Max's cheek. What are friends for if not to love you?

It was time to go.

'Right, come on you two, get some clothes on please.'

We passed a National Trust buggy type object, with a Ranger in it, on his way to check things out at the Point presumably, who waved a hand. The breeze was strengthening and veering towards the north and we felt a chill as we jogged homeward turning right along the sandy path to the Cley beach car park with just one car in it, and on down the road to the village. We stopped at the bookshop on the left where the road narrows alarmingly, a little before the turning into the Mill. I like this bookshop. I had never engaged the proprietor in conversation beyond the perfunctory as his manner I thought to be unattractive, but much of his stock is interesting. Placed in a corner of the window for reasons I knew not, was a battered copy of 'Kennedy's Revised Latin Primer' dating at a guess from the nineteen fifties.

'Look Max…..look at that book there. I was given that when I started Latin at school. Look at the title……see what some kid's done with it……..that's exactly what I did with mine. How funny.'

I made a mental note to ask the taciturn gentleman why he put the book in the window. I was actually quite interested to know.

Kennedy's 'Revised Eatin Primer'.

'Come on, I'll get him to put it by.'

It was going to cost me fifty pence…..later when I came back with the money. Some boy…….probably already disaffected with the dead language………had turned the capital 'L' into an 'E' with the aid of an inky hand and his trusty dip pen charged with blue/black Stephens 'writing fluid' from a white ceramic ink well with a nice round hole in the middle, and set in the corner of an oak desk with a lid you could bang down, accidentally on purpose. The man, predictably, didn't seem interested in my question, so I will never know why the book was there. Anyway, it's not there now.

A week later.

Raf…….

I sold a picture today. It was a view looking back to Blakeney from the path to nowhere…….the one that goes from the car park on the quay out into the marshes and then stops rather abruptly so everyone has to walk back the same way…..by no means a pointless exercise but it would have been better if it had ended at Cley, but it doesn't. No matter…….it's very nice as it is. A man and his wife watched me for a while, quite a while, and then enquired of the price should I be willing to sell it there and then. We agreed on fifty pounds and I was very well pleased with that. He held the now signed piece by the edges of the board and walked off. He looked an honest bloke so I trusted him to return with the cash which he duly did some twenty minutes later, in crisp ten pound notes. Brilliant!

I took Linda and Max to the Blakeney Hotel for dinner…..very posh. It cost getting on for the fifty pounds I'd 'won' earlier but it was worth every penny. Linda put on a lovely white linen dress, and Max got himself up in his new school trousers and a white shirt, with his new grey jumper arranged around his neck…..the new one I had bought him. They both looked wonderfully happy and almost radiant……no, they did radiate……everything that they are……everything that makes me love them, and more. We walked from Blue Cottage through the wooded area around Wiverton Farm that leads along the field and down the hillside and through the gate to the road into Blakeney village. Near the bottom of the last field of rough grass Linda turned to me and kissed me on the lips, holding my head as she did so.

'What was that for Linda?'

'Oh nothing……..or something.'

Nothing or something?

'What about me?'

I turned to Max and kissed him on the forehead. They were intense moments for me, and I had to stand pretending to admire the seaward view for a few moments, unseen by them.

I hadn't stayed at Blue Cottage for three days or so and I was missing it, so with very little persuasion we set off all together about nine thirty via my flat in the High Street, for the Cottage. I'd mentioned my writing an account of my earlier life to Linda and she wanted to read it despite the warnings that came with it with regard to the fairly explicit contents. I'd heard a fair bit about her sexual development and now it was my turn to reveal all I suppose, so we left the flat with a couple of the exercise books…..the first two volumes of 'Schooldays', the second of which Max had already seen…….or part of it.

I went up to Max as I always do when he's settled in bed with a book. He was reading his 'Eatin' Primer no less. He put the book down and smiled at me.

'Thanks for the book……it's quite interesting, listen…….amo amas amat amamis amatis amant. I've learnt other ones too.'

'Well that's a good start.'

I knelt on the floor and put my arms in front of me, hands together just below his pillow. Max moved closer, his head on one side, and his free hand on mine, the other under the covers.

'You haven't for ages Raf.'

'Haven't what Max?'

'You know……helped me.'

'I came up to say goodnight Max.'

'I know you did but………will you now…….please?'

Pearls in a silk purse……minimus to maximus.

He held my hand tightly all the way through to the end as I in my turn made his way straight. Afterwards he rested, eyes closed and still holding on. I gently felt the contours of his face and head, cooling perspiration…..his hair, his nose and eyes, and his mouth and lips.

His eyes were still closed when I told him that I loved him, quietly, and that I always would. I felt his grip on my hand tighten.

I like sharing a bed with Linda, but perhaps not quite as much as I should do. Perhaps it's the presence of Max just across the small landing that inhibits me a little, or perhaps it's just me. Linda had made her decision and I had agreed after much discussion in the previous days, and last night around about ten o'clock we had acted upon it……..successfully I might add. I had penetrated her easily, but before long a little doubt had set in. Linda, ever sensitive, noticed. Her experience of pleasing a woman was now directed towards me. I recovered. The thought of another close to orgasm drove me forward. When Linda announced, breathless now, that was about to come, it was a joyful moment indeed. She asked me to withdraw. A little later, inspired, I had achieved what we set out between us to achieve. Of the very few kisses I had ever shared with a woman, or a girl, this one was the most meaningful.They were extraordinary moments….everything shared.

During that hour of playfulness and fulfilment I learned more about Linda and her life as a young girl growing up in her parents' school. A lucky girl indeed.

I had promised Max another morning jog which would be our last before the anxiously awaited visit to his new school. Despite growing up in North Norfolk, he wasn't really aware of Salthouse Church, let alone the interior of it which I had heard was interesting. I had already been up there before, but the door had been locked. According to the hand written notice on the door, it would be opened by nine thirty each morning. With that in mind I planned to leave Blue Cottage at ten past nine. When I arrived there, Max had not come down, and Linda was reluctant to disturb him the day before an important and possibly stressful event in his life.

'You had better go up and see what he's up to Raf. I know he's anxious about tomorrow so I left him this morning. You look nice……….are they new?'

Max was lying on his side away from me when I went in quietly in case he was still sleeping, in which case I would have left him in peace. He wasn't asleep, and he turned towards me with his big winning grin he gives me when he's feeling a bit mischievous.

'Hello Raf……..what time is it?'

'Hmm…….time you were up you little rascal. We're going running…….don't you remember?'

'Uhuh……I remember.'

He's still smiling, but just with his eyes, the rest of his face hidden under the single sheet that covered him, apart from his ankles and feet that is.

I went to his bed and sat on the edge, my hands in my lap. He turned onto his back.

'Come on Max……get up please.'

'I am up.'

'Very funny……now get up please, or…….'

'Or what?'

'Or I'll get you up the hard way…….like I do with the Waylands kids'

His reaction was to curl himself up dragging the sheet around him and exposing all of his bottom half and with his knees drawn tightly up to his tummy.

'That's not fair is it Max.'

'Yes it is……..it's perfectly fair. Please Raf.'

'No.'

'Why not? You never do……..why won't you?'

'You know why……..you know perfectly well.'

Max let his body relax and I could see that his mind set had changed. Playfulness had turned to anxiety.

'What will happen when I'm away? Will you see Henry all the time then?'

So that was it.

'Come on Max……sit up and come here……..I need to talk to you. Come on…….'

He sat next to me on the bed leaning into me, my arm around his middle.

Of course he didn't need much convincing…….more reassurance really, which of course I gave him.

'Shall I get your things now Max? Any preference?'

'No, you choose………I'll be back in a sec.'

I know where his clothes are kept of course, and I had made my selection by the time he came back from the lavatory, perfectly naked.

'Aren't these Henry's?'

'Yes they are. Mum found them with mine in the rucksack the other day. He can get them the next time he comes.'

Max is ready now….all booted and spurred and ready to roll to Salthouse church…..the lighthouse for a treacherous shore. I enjoyed the process of course……dressing a boy. I admit that I find it an intensely erotic experience. Max, being Max, makes it all the more so. Later I will undress him……dry him after his shower or bath……and probably dress him again if he needs me. He knows the rules I have…….but I know and he knows that rules can be changed.

Max asked if he could set the pace today. I said he could which suited me as I can watch his running action from behind. He runs with a smooth economy and one day, given a degree of dedication, he will excel I'm sure. I can see almost the entire length of his legs from his white ankle socks to his shorts, faintly transparent showing two different shades of white…….taught over young boyish buttocks……so pleasing to draw……..so satisfying……..so exciting with their tantalising form. Now bear right into Church Lane…….up the narrowish road…..just two car widths……..then right along the grassy path……through the gate and we're there. The large [for Norfolk coastal churches] flint building dominates the hill, overlooking a grey North Sea this morning. Good, the door is open. Inside we sense the height of this place…a lantern to the sea that smells of lavender and sage…..all light……light everywhere.

'Can we sit for a bit please Raf?'

'Umm………try the choir stalls out……..over here. Can you find what the children did during the sermon Max?'

'What?'

'Go on, look for what they did…….see if you can find them.'

I pointed to the benches where generations of youngsters had sat, drafted in by their parents to serve God with their voices, much against their will no doubt…..and ready with their penknives.

'Oh wow…….look at this one Raf……..it's a ship or something…….an old sailing ship. Look, there's another one here, all scratched into the wood!'

Such vandalism would seem outrageous today, but these idle doodles are evidence of a people with the sea always on their minds.

We sat quietly thinking about those people…..who they were……what they looked like…..their names…..those that may have been lost to the sea, perhaps a boy not even as old as Max….perhaps several.

'Raf?'

'Yes Max.'

'Do you think he exists……..God I mean……..do you think he's here? Do you think he knows we're here'

'That's a good question Max. Maybe that's for him to know, and for us to find out don't you think?'

'Umm, I suppose so.'

'But anyway Max, if he is, I'm sure he will make the light of his face to shine upon you .'

'Ha! We've just done that……..we sang it…….last week…….I think it's the new piece by John Rutter. It's good.'

That's interesting. He'd remembered.

Several nights later. Raf and Linda are on the sofa together. Linda enquires……

How was boy?'

'Boy's fine………he's asleep.'

'Good. Exhausted after his day sailing I should think.'

'It's hard work…..and then there's the sea air. He'll conk out every night as soon as his head hits the pillow.'

'But he's having fun do you think?'

'Oh yes, they all love it……or hate it. One girl has dropped out apparently….didn't like the capsize drill.'

'So……..are you still ok with the plan then?'

'Yes of course. Are you?'

'Oh yes…….definitely. I've been thinking about it all day actually………wondering if you would go through with it……..if you still wanted to?'

'Yes I do, and hopefully I won't let you down, but it's not a regular thing for me as you know.'

'Or me!'

'No, but perfectly manageable all the same…….but I have to say I'm not a great kisser, sorry.'

'That's ok………nor am I, at least not with bristly men I'm not. I rather prefer a smooth and silky upper lip……..but then I suppose you do too!'

'Err…….yes, I suppose that is true, since you put it like that.'

'May I touch you now?'

'Yes please…………..and would you like me to help you?'

'Yes, for a while and then………'

'Here?'

'Yes, but in a bit……not yet.'

'Like this?'

'Yes…….then I'll tell you when'.

A short while later……..

'I think I'm ready Raf…….are you ok?'

'Uhuh.'

Raf.

When I say we didn't need any artificial lubricant, that might tell you something. As we began our foreplay, it was immediately obvious to me that wouldn't be needing any of the stuff that eases us men when the need arises. I think that the possible consequences of what we were about to do excited her deeply. To get things going, for me presumably, she offered me a story. We relived a meeting she once had with a teenaged boy called Mark. She'd not mentioned this boy before but her vivid description of him, and all about him, had its effect. Everything went nicely according to the plan, and as I felt the familiar sensation building in my loins, I made sure I was as deep into Linda at the critical moment of orgasm. She had timed matters to perfection. I came fearsomely, and with several final lunges deep into her, her cunt gripping me in rhythmic spasms……her pelvic muscles willing me to come for all I worth, just as Mark was doing likewise in her hand. Phew!

'It's best if you keep lying down for a while apparently………stops it all sort of…….'

'Coming out? That's a bit gross Raf isn't it? How much is in there anyway…….a teaspoon full?'

'A bit more than that Linda. I've been saving it up just for you, darling girl.'

'That's very considerate of you. At one point I didn't think we were.'

'Not going to make it? You should have more confidence in me Linda……….and anyway, the bit about Mark helped.'

'Oh yes. Perhaps I shouldn't have told you about him……bit naughty really. I think he's something in the City now, but he was a very sweet little boy……they all were really, but especially him.'

'Hmm……..yes. So no one ever found out then?'

'No, why should they? We were both twelve years old…….no one would give it a second thought in those days. Anyway, it was just a bit of fiddling around that's all.'

'A bit more than that Linda, come on……..unless there was some invention there maybe?'

'No, I told it as it was Raf. How much did you like it then?'

'I liked it a lot……very nice indeed. You have a nice way with words Linda……..you paint a very attractive picture.'

'Thank you very much. Laura used to say that………but we'd paint a subtly different picture of course.'

'And what was that then?'

'Can't you guess?'

'Yes………I can guess. Schoolgirl affairs perhaps?'

'How did you guess!'

'Oh, I'd quite like to hear about that. By the way you haven't have you? '

'No I haven't, but I will if I go down that road. I wasn't far off when you finished.'

'Oh sorry……..I thought it best just to carry on regardless really……I saw that as the priority.'

'Quite right, and mission accomplished……well, the first go anyway. By the way I felt it actually going in me……..nice, and that's a first for me since you know who. I don't suppose you've ever experienced that sensation have you? Sorry, don't answer that. Obviously my Eric was a long time ago and I wasn't really aware then of what happened…..no idea what to expect, but I'd quite like to know if that's ok……..if you don't mind telling me. Have you ever?'

'Yes, in a word. Just the once, or maybe twice. It's that pulsing sensation……..very sexy.'

'Yes it is. I felt you about four times I think. Was it good then?'

'Yes it was thanks…….lovely. I think you knew what was happening and used your pelvic floor muscles or something. So can I?'

'You can knock at my door by all means…….and come in if you want, or is it too soon for you?'

'Maybe it is too soon, but there's no harm in trying is there?

Linda described her first real sexual encounters with a girlfriend in their first year at 'big' school. Her description of events with young Liz was hugely erotic for me and I found myself on top of her and easing myself inside her very easily indeed aided by her natural lubrication and my own semen, some of which had by gravity, escaped. I supported myself on outstretched arms to allow her room to masturbate efficiently. She came fairly quickly as the events she was describing came to fruition leaving my fairly frantic thrusts to finish the job for her while both her hands held my buttocks apart painfully, and not surprisingly, I managed to come for a second time. I didn't want to come out, indeed I stayed hard in her for some five minutes I would think.

Very oddly, I felt guilty about Max. I can't rationalize that…….I've no idea why. Very odd. I think it was because he had come into my mind in the later stages of intercourse with Linda for the second time I'm ashamed to say, and despite Mark's charms, the image of Max superseded him at the last moment. The sensations were literally filling my penis as max appeared in front of me naked, and fully erect.

He had his hand on his penis as he stroked himself all for my benefit. I sat as he stood in front of me, legs apart so I could feel the weight of his developing balls in my hand. Shortly after, he came. I watched him come. He looked up at me and smiled. There's the guilt I suppose…….I could see his smiling face just as I came.

As a wise precaution, Linda had put a towel under herself which she held to her front as she left for the lavatory. She came back smiling and we cuddled up together.

'So what did you think then Raf……did you enjoy that?'

'Yes, very much, and I told you I'm not gay. You probably didn't believe me.'

'Err…….I did, sort of, but I had a slight problem marrying that up with your interest in boys Raf…….it's pretty obvious from reading your rather interesting account of your early life at school, you naughty boy.'

'Ah, you've made a start on that then. Is it that obvious?'

'Well, one might be forgiven for thinking so, and I'm fine with that as you know. So long as Max is treated with respect, I don't mind what happens, you know that. He adores you and you're wonderful with him. Tell me something honestly……would you like to do to Max what we've just done?'

'Not to him Linda. I would never do things to someone….. with them would be a better way of putting it. I think right now that would be very selfish and disrespectful, and a few other things as well……so, no I don't want to. Anyway, it's not a question of wanting to, is it?'

'Isn't it? Right now?'

'Well yes, right now…….but in the future if he wanted it…….it might be different of course, but that's in the future…….years from now.'

'What if he wants it now? Do you think he does?'

'Sex comes in degrees doesn't it? You could argue that my hand on his shoulder is a sexual act….if it coincides with getting turned on. And yes, I think he does want a simple form of sex…………in fact I know he does. He and Henry have gone a little way down that particular track although he hasn't said so in so many words.'

'So…..if you felt his body with your hands…..all over his bare shoulders for example. Would that be a sexual turn on for you? Be honest.'

'Yes it would. It's just as I said just a moment ago Linda. That's it really. It's not right or possible for either of us. By the way, he's into puberty now in case you weren't aware, so the box of tissues was a good idea of yours, albeit for the wrong reason. He needs them now, and I'm not talking runny noses here.'

'Oh right. I thought he might have started that. So let's get this right…….they start producing sperm as soon as they start puberty do they?'

'No……they start getting a bit of hair down there, but they can't ejaculate……….produce any semen………..not for a while after that usually. I think the average is about five or six months according to the surveys.'

'So someone has actually surveyed a bunch of kids then?'

'Of course they have…….they reckon that the average eleven year old masturbates eleven times in a week, which doesn't diminish much right up to the end of their teens……..sometimes two or three times in a night. They can come again within ten minutes in theory……..it's true, they can….and do on a regular basis. Things change a bit after they start ejaculating. They have fewer orgasms after that. I'm not sure why that is, but probably the penis is super sensitive before that stage, almost as if it working up to full production.'

'Well, you're well up on the subject…….I wouldn't have had much of a clue on all that stuff, but I guess you are in that business.'

'We have to monitor the boys these days…….have one to ones with them and we talk about all sorts, including any worries they have about sex. Ejaculating for the first time can come as a bit of a shock to them, when they look down and there's this stuff lying in a little pool on their tummies. Boys enjoy talking about sex, once they have the confidence of an adult….or rather confidence in the adult.'

'I can imagine. Do you find that a turn on then…..talking to boys about sex?'

'Yes…definitely.'

'So Max then…..is he ok? His semen….is it how it should be?'

'Yes, it's fine……it's at the watery stage, but soon it'll thicken up……and then there'll be more of it……….probably a lot more.'

'So what do the kids worry about then?'

'Oh, relationship problems with other boys…….any bullying………and other personal stuff like sexual worries and so on. You'd be surprised how many get hangups of one sort or another and are misinformed by other kids. All that starts gnawing away at them. Their penises are top of the list believe me, followed by their testicles, and their bottoms a very poor third. I'm afraid you ladies have no idea how utterly fascinating our willies are to us boys. We play with them whenever we get the chance.'

'I've noticed, and they discuss all this with you?'

'Oh yes, we have to these days. We make them talk about it and it's good for them to do that too…….be open about things and talk to us………..and of course the internet is beginning to take off in schools…….the kids are becoming more aware much earlier now. Basically, we do what most of their fathers don't want to do……..or their mothers of course. A lot of them don't have two parents at home, so we tend to take care of all the awkward stuff. Most of them are perfectly happy to talk about it…….and as I've said, they rather enjoy it once we've got past the initial embarrassment.'

'So with the internet…….what are they aware of exactly?'

'All sorts as you can imagine. Put it this way, by the age we get them, they have a detailed knowledge of what men and women do in bed……and what men and men do too…….and of course boys and boys. When Max goes away to board, he will have choices to make for sure. He will have the opportunity to have some form of sex with another boy if he wants it…….but I'll talk to him about that side of boarding life. There are a few things he should know so he can avoid unnecessary bother.'

'Umm……but at least he shows no sign of acne……..I thought spots were the first signs?'

'No not always. Hopefully he might just avoid all that, especially as his skin tone is a little olive. Anyway, that's probably enough information isn't it?'

'Yes I think it is. Just tell him to dispose of everything properly please, so I don't have to deal with damp tissues along with his dirty knickers. It's bad enough having you around without him starting all that messy nonsense.'

'I thought you'd be pleased. It's all very normal…..what's going on…..and he's a very clean boy isn't he. I've told him how to keep himself clean.'

'Yes he is, but I'm sad in a way because my little boy is growing up and one day I'll lose him to who knows who.'

'No you won't………he'll always be there. He loves his mum, and that will never change believe me. He's that sort of boy.'

We both thought for a few moments about what I had just said.

'Oh Raf……what are we going to do with you, you silly old softy. I tell you what, if this baby thing ever happens, I'll call it after you. How about that……Ralph or something like that……or Raffina maybe!'

At that moment I felt very emotionally attached to Linda and I couldn't help thinking about the possible consequences of what we had done tonight. We kissed properly for the first time, but I don't think either of us particularly enjoyed it.

Later……..

'So, tell me more about Bracondale then………and this Mark boy. Surely you were kept separate from the boys who were boarding weren't you?'

'Not really. My room was next to what was known as the Sick Room. My door led onto a landing and the Sick Room door was just to the right of mine, but in my room was another door which was kept locked. This led directly into the Sick Room. It must have been a dressing room for the bedroom at one time presumably. The key was kept just inside my clothes cupboard hanging on a nail. When I first found it I tried it and it worked so I had a private access straight into the room. That's when it all started with little Mark. We were both twelve. He was in there because he'd done something to his arm playing rugger I think and was in pain I suppose, so my mother had put him in there so he could get some sleep as and when he could and not disturb the others in his dormitory. As I told you, I helped domestically quite a lot with laundry…….collecting up the boys' shirts, pants and socks and so on, and games kit, and in any way I could really with the boys, some of whom I counted as friends. Mark and I always got on well as he was quite gamesy as I was. I did quite a lot for the youngest boys…..the seven to nine year olds who needed help with some things, but the older ones…..the ten to twelve year olds I had nothing much to do with them as they were my age and it was inappropriate for me to…….well….. see them if you know what I mean. The little ones I would help with their baths and so on, but never the older ones.

One night I heard Mark groaning and calling my name, so I used the key and opened the door. He knew I was just the other side of the door. I remember thinking that I shouldn't be doing this but I'm going to anyway. I remember feeling excited. I had been playing in bed a bit……that's probably what did it…..and I knew he was in there, and I quite fancied him actually. He had quite a girly side to him which appealed to me. Once or twice I imagined dressing him up in girls clothes…you know…a nice pair of knickers and a dress….bit of makeup. That sort of thing.

I quietly unlocked the door and when I got in there, he was lying on his back on the bed looking at me with this sort of questioning expression on his face……sort of pathetic looking. Typical boy…they always looked like that when they want you to do something for them…..all helpless looking. There was a little light coming through the curtains from the street lighting…..enough to see what I was doing anyway. He said his tummy hurt which was a fairly typical complaint especially when the little ones needed some attention, and then he pulled the bedclothes down below his tummy button so I could see his pyjama bottoms were undone. All I could see was skin, and his bits were just covered but the covers were kind of lifted up. I knew enough about boys by that time to know why. The little ones often had erections in the bath and afterwards while I helped dry them off with a towel, which they thought nothing of, so I'd seen tons of kids with a stiff little pecker…or not so little with one or two of them. I knew that Mark had one. I asked him if he wanted me to rub it, his tummy that is, and he said 'yes please'. Just as I started on him, he pulled the covers lower and showed me his hard penis. I remember staring at it for ages. It was a circumcised one. Then he asked me if I liked it and I remember saying I thought it was nice. It was a lot more than the length of my finger probably, and it looked huge to me at the time. He said he couldn't rub it because of his bad arm and would I do it for him because he really wanted to get a feeling. I pretty much knew what one of those was. I told him I didn't know how so he managed to demonstrate using his other hand with some difficulty and then I took over from him. He said to use my fingers underneath and my thumb, and to go as fast as I could until he said to slow down. I knelt on the floor and did him for about four or five minutes and when it was over, he said I had done it really well. He thanked me very nicely. It was all very exciting really. I asked him how it felt and he said it felt really good and could girls do the same thing to themselves. I told him I did, sort of, and got a nice feeling there too. Then he asked me if he could touch me and I said he could. He was hopeless at it. Obviously he had no idea what girls did for pleasure. I went in every night from then on for about a week or so. The last night I got into bed with him by which time his arm was quite a bit better. The previous night he'd even felt me inside and kept his hand there for ages. I told him how to make me feel good……..exactly how. I remember us ritually undressing each other and me getting on top of him and him trying to push his penis in but it didn't work. I was dry and so we gave up on it. When he was better, we never spoke about it. It was as if it had never happened…….until one day near the end of the summer term and the older ones were leaving. He caught me one day in the corridor and asked me to go into the Sick Room with him. No one ever went in there normally. I knew instinctively what it was about. As soon as we got in the room, we kissed. He started to feel under my school summer dress which was loose fitting and quite thin. …….thin enough to see my knickers through it if I bent down……..they were nice little white ones with a tiny floral pattern, and he felt me through them at the front and underneath. By this time I wanted him quite badly so I took hold of his hand, pulled my dress up, and guided it inside my knickers. He even felt my bottom. I remember feeling very excited and when I put his hand where I wanted it, he said it felt wet. I undid his grey shorts at the front and he had white pants on too………the 'Y' front type…….and I started to squeeze his penis which was already very hard to my touch. I had pulled the waistband forwards and put my hand inside and I remember it felt hot. He was obviously so proud of this thing. We got to the bed and lay down on it, with him on top of me. He knelt either side of my legs and pulled my knickers completely off, pulled his pants and shorts down and lay on my tummy. He tried to get it in me but it was all too tight and wouldn't go in at all, so he lay on his side moaning, and started to rub himself furiously. I decided at that moment that I didn't like boys much. Girls were more fun to be with.

'So Mark….did he manage to come?'

'Oh yes he did. The other times there was nothing, but this time there was. It was like a bead of clear sticky stuff. He put the tip of his finger in it and when he took it away slowly, it came out with his finger in a long string….all sticky. I thought it rather good. He put his finger tip on his lips then, and asked me if I wanted to try it. I said no I didn't.'

The next term I started at the High School and made a good friend fairly quickly……Liz. She came to stay regularly at weekends as the boarders were allowed out then. It was then that I realised that I had something that girls like her rather enjoy. We learnt a lot from each other, and of course being girls, we were allowed to sleep in the same room. We would start off and finish in different beds so they looked used, but in between we'd share and make girly love. We'd kiss and make each other come several times in a night. It was huge fun. I'll never forget the first time she did it orally. I thought I was genuinely going to die, it was that strong. I also realised that the bit that gave me a feeling was different to Liz's bit. Mine was larger. It worried me half to death so I asked the school doctor about it and she said that girls varied in that way and not to worry, so I didn't. Liz and I were in love.'

'So what happened?'

'We were in love…….and then we weren't. It's a simple as that. Not long after that, the other thing started. The rest is history as they say. You would have liked Mark. He was one of those athletic types who are very good at any game…….you know, the star at Sports day……all that sort of thing. He kept lizard things too. He said they went to Greece every summer and the man who looked after the house there kept pet lizards. He showed me a photo of himself with these reptile things with long tails crawling all over him. Amazing.'

'Umm……..yes I think I would have liked him. He sounds quite different.'

'Yes, he did things that the others wouldn't have thought of. I really liked him.'

Later still………

'Are you sleepy Raf……..I'm not terribly. I think I'd like another little play if you don't mind?'

'Ok. Can I help?'

'Not this time thanks. You've been great tonight but I have something else in mind for this one.'

'Ok……..can you share?'

'I saw her on the quay this afternoon. I think she works in one of the hotels here. She's beautiful, but very young.'

'Ok, that's nice. Is she legal?'

'Err……possibly……possibly not, in fact probably not. You could go and join Max if you want, or would you rather stay here?'

'Up to you Linda. Would you prefer to be alone?'

I took the subtle hint and left her in her reverie, and inwardly excited by the unexpected bonus that had come my way.

Max was asleep of course, on his side and covered by just the white linen sheet, his shoulders visible. The small amount of natural light from outside was reflected off the tightened skin of his shoulder. I could see his legs were partially drawn up and there was enough space behind him for me. He didn't stir as I carefully lifted the sheet and got in behind him. It was all I could do not to touch him…….my beautiful boy. It wasn't long before I had an almost painful erection. I knew that sleep was something I was not going experience in my present state. I knew it wouldn't take long, especially as I had sight of Max's penis which was also appeared to be hardening. A boy usually gets upwards of ten erections per night on average, as do men. I reached over Max and took a couple of Kleenex tissues from the box. I tried to make as little movement as possible which meant slow progress. As a result my orgasm was stronger when it finally came. The feelings of guilt, common after masturbating apparently, floo ded my mind until sleep finally washed away my sin.

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