The Year of the Rat
by Nico Grey
Chapter 22
I woke to some very strange sensations. A steady ebb, then flow of pleasure filling me, over and over and over again.
It took me several moments to get my bearings. These sensations had woken me before the sun was fully down in the sky.
I couldn't feel anything else. Just the repetitive motion inside me, gradually building in intensity.
I lay flat on my back in our nest. I was alone. But those feelings persisted, until they climaxed in an intense explosion of sensation and emotion.
I couldn't figure out what had happened. No one else was with me. There was no evidence of motion anywhere else in our lair. There was no earthquake; not even any extra noise to indicate increased activity on the L or from street traffic.
Gradually, I drew myself up into a sitting position and started untangling myself from blankets, clothing and the other debris that made up our nest. But before I could work my way clear, those sensations started again.
I really couldn't stand up while I was feeling that way, so I lay back down in the nest and tried to understand what was happening. There were no other sensations besides the steady pounding that was building again in my butt. I could feel it inside me, yet not coming from inside me, if that makes any sense.
For a brief — and quite joyful — moment I wondered if Dylan had come to say a personal goodbye to me, and just hadn't disengaged his extra. But I couldn't feel any other sensation. And I was lying on top of him... or whatever was making me feel that steady, thrusting in and out.
I finally thought to reach within me to see if Dylan had any idea what was happening to us. It took a while to get his attention. He really seemed to be enjoying those sensations.
When they climaxed again, and Dylan resumed contact with the rest of us, he was completely blissed out. But he thought he understood what was happening to us.
'It feels like Dion.'
I was pretty sure that Dion wasn't there with us. Dylan thought that we were in emotional contact with what his body was feeling.
I argued the point. It wasn't very tactful, but I pointed out that I had never felt a thing when he had been injured... fatally. Yeah. Tactless.
Dylan reminded us that we hadn't been through that final, orgasmic sharing of mind and body until after he was injured. And he was certain that what we were feeling was very familiar to him.
'Dion is saying goodbye. To my body and to me. Before I go to the sun in the morning.'
And that made as much sense as anything. I was just glad that those odd feelings, however pleasurable, were over. I sought Dylan's reassurance.
'We never did that more than twice before.'
That seemed like encouraging news. Until the feelings started building again.
Dylan was starting to wonder whether his friends might have to carry his body to his Sun Quest. But he wasn't complaining.
Mike knew that I would be gone for the night. He promised to keep Jebby and Marco occupied — somewhere far away from Grant Park. I didn't know what he had planned. But since he and the others were obviously out, I decided to spend some time in the church chancel before I went down to the shores of the lake to say my final goodbye to all that Dylan might have become.
I was surprised when Jebby joined me before the cross. Apparently the three had remained somewhere near the church. Mike had just encouraged them to give me time to myself.
But Jebby had something important that he needed to discuss with me.
"I'm going to turn thirteen in less than two weeks, Rad."
That seemed like cause for a celebration. The idea of him becoming a teenager was rather bittersweet for me, but I could appreciate how meaningful it would be for Jebby.
"Please don't let it happen!" he pleaded.
It took a little while to get it all out.
Years ago, Jebby had stopped looking forward to becoming a teenager. An unhappy childhood, wrestling with forbidden feelings inside of himself with the threat of his father's disapproval looming in the woodshed. His growing distaste with himself over what he had done to me, while denying himself. His dwindling lack of faith in the guideposts in his life and in himself. In a sense, his life had become meaningless. And with life meaningless, what did progress along life's path matter?
Then, with his life careening from one tragedy to the next, serendipity had brought him back into contact with me. And his existence had started to have meaning again, at least for him.
He had everything he wanted now. He was simply terrified of the possibility that might change.
His solution was simple. To him, it was obvious. He would experience no more change. He wanted to stay twelve years old alongside me forever. Even if that meant spending his remaining time in darkness.
I didn't have a counterargument. But I knew that it couldn't be the end of the conversation.
I promised Jebby that I would talk with him more in the next few days; lots more. And that if he was convinced, and he managed to convince me, that he really wanted to enter darkness, I knew people that could show us how it was done.
That wasn't the end of the conversation. Jebby forced me to promise that I wouldn't let him turn thirteen if he was certain of his decision.
I really had no choice. I promised. I couldn't object to Jebby joining me. I just didn't want him having any regrets once there was no turning back. Jebby and his happiness were too important to me to leave unexplored any possibility that I would have a hand in a decision that he might come to regret.
Dylan and I had an agreement. I would participate in the Sun Quest to say goodbye to the body that had been his home for his entire life, and to the person that he could have become. He had already said his goodbyes. So he would remain in the back of my mind for this final night.
I knew where Dylan and his friends would be gathering at the lake, the place where he would say his final goodbyes and then wait to meet the sun. I dreaded going there. I had done everything in my power to alleviate the effects of our coming loss. But I still felt the approach of something momentous.
When it couldn't be put off any longer, I made my way reluctantly down to the lake. From appearances, Dylan and his friends hadn't arrived much before me. They were still milling about and trying to get organized for a celebration.
It was a rather small gathering. That was something that didn't really surprise me once I considered that Dylan had been cautious about reaching out to other people. But the people there were very close to him. He made up for quantity with the quality of his friendships.
All told, I counted thirteen people there to help celebrate Dylan's life and support his Quest. I'm not superstitious, but I was glad that I had come, too.
With Trevor there, I didn't want to be seen. I wasn't ready for any potential scene with my 'sire'. And I certainly didn't want something unpleasant to spoil Dylan's final moments.
I engaged Dylan's extra while I was still a block away from the lake shore. I'm sure that Dylan and Taryn felt my greeting when I arrived. But aside from that, I kept out of the way and did my best to lend moral support to the gathering.
Some of Dylan's friends had brought fireworks. He had a large bag of Jolly Ranchers to sustain him, and a handful of lollipops. But the event consisted mostly of fond remembrances and the unfortunate, but unavoidable, tearful goodbyes.
I was surprised that Dylan was bearing up so well. I couldn't disrespect him in such a moment by trying to enter his mind. But I did reach out tentatively to gauge how he was feeling. And while he may have been over-compensating a bit to help keep his friends' spirits up, he was reasonably calm and managing quite well.
Dylan made it a point to spend time with everyone. From a young boy they called Kid, to Trevor and his boyfriend, to everyone else gathered there, Dylan had some time and generous words for everyone. He even had a shy, secret smile to share whenever he glanced in my direction.
As the night passed, I began to find myself in such close sympathy with Dylan that it felt like we were sharing emotions. I had to pay particular attention to make sure I didn't become so distracted that I lost control of his extra.
It became a joyful party. But one with heavy undertones of sorrow, and of bitterness that such a kind spirit was being taken from his community. As the hours crept closer to sunrise, it became harder for the participants to control their feelings and conceal the depths of their sadness.
I had started to sense the sun making its way up the horizon long before the celebration began to wind down. With reluctance, each of the people there realized that they needed to start moving toward home unless they wanted to join Dylan in his Sun Quest.
Individuals and pairs said their final goodbyes. Dylan had a word, and sometimes a gift, for each of them. Then the next person would take their place with Dylan while those who had already spoken to him gathered in the small group that was preparing to depart.
Finally, Dylan climbed on top of a rock outcropping near the lake shore. He was joined by the youth who had been his friend, and then had became his lover. Dion and Dylan clung to each other. I know that Dylan was urging him to depart before the sun rose and it was too late to leave for home.
Dion was clearly reluctant to leave. I couldn't blame him. If there weren't three people waiting for me, and Dylan's legacy to preserve, I might not have left either.
Dion held his ground. They shared a kiss, then a dozen more, before Dylan could persuade him. Dion ran his hands through Dylan's hair one final time, then stumbled blindly away to join their waiting friends.
Color was starting to appear in the sky as Dylan's friends finally turned and started for home. But not without many backward glances. They couldn't seem to bring themselves to say a final goodbye.
I had climbed the rock outcropping to join Dylan once Dion and their friends started walking away. I didn't let go of Dylan's extra until they were completely gone, but he knew I was there.
I understood that I didn't have a lot of time; that we didn't have a lot of time. But I gave Dylan those moments to say his own goodbyes. I stood there quietly, invisibly, until the last of his friends had disappeared from his sight.
Fortunately, I did still have enough time. Dylan's friends had many blocks to travel before they were home and safe from the sun. My lair was less than two blocks away. I could see the church's basement windows from where I was standing.
When Dylan finally turned to face me, it was almost like seeing the quiet, shy boy I had noticed for the first time on Navy Pier. There had been much more to his life, but for me it felt like I had come full circle.
When he first noticed me, something had touched his compassion. He had cared about me almost immediately. I couldn't help but return his compassion, there on the shore of Lake Michigan.
"Are you scared?"
I know I would have been scared.
"A little," he admitted. "But there's really no point to being scared. This has to be done."
He was calm and in control.
Almost by rote, I wondered, "Are you feeling any regrets?"
He shook his head.
"Not really. It would have been nice to have more time. But I had good friends. I've loved. I've been loved. And I've made a difference in other people's lives." It almost felt like he was thanking me! "There's really not much more to do. Not anything that really matters."
I couldn't help wanting to protect him from his coming ordeal.
"Would you like me to make sure you feel no pain? Or maybe help you take the edge off?"
He considered the suggestion. Then he shook his head.
"No, thank you, Rad. It's the end of this existence for me. I want to experience it fully. Right up until the end."
I could only admire his courage. I could never emulate it.
"Would you pray with me?"
That much, at least, I could do.
We joined our hands and our minds in prayer, there in the god's great, open cathedral.
Our conversation took place in our minds. But it was one being to another, not a merging of thoughts and feelings.
"What can I do after you're gone? Is there anything I can do to stop Rage and protect your friends?"
"Alec. His name is Alec," Dylan reminded me. He considered his answer. "What he did, I think he did out of anger, fear and a sense of betrayal. He was wrong. But he isn't evil."
It took a while for his next thought to take form. Like he knew what he wanted to say but just wasn't sure of the right way to say it.
"Please don't let anyone seek vengeance on him. Please, Rad. Love Alec."
That felt like a huge ask. Rage... Alec, had destroyed someone who meant so much to me.
"It's what you do, Rad. You love."
I didn't know how to respond. But I knew that Dylan was right when he told me that I should love Alec. I wanted to hate him. But all I could feel was pity for someone who was such a prisoner of his anger that it had driven him to destroy a person so beautiful.
I couldn't let Dylan go without more from me. I asked permission. Whether I would have stopped if he had refused... fortunately, I'll never know.
I travelled familiar paths in his mind. I sought a comfortable, spacious location.
With our time constraints, I knew I couldn't contemplate another full sharing. But as I had asked him to do with me, I tried to share the most important parts of myself. I wanted him to have all of me with him. I wanted him to have my 'extra', or whatever it was, just in case he might find it useful wherever he went next. I wanted him to have my soul.
When I was through, it felt like there was no need for further intimacy. I had planned a kiss. I had planned to envelop him in a powerful hug. I had even, god forgive me, considered a grope. But with our final sharing, it felt like there was nothing more that either of us could add to the other.
Dylan smiled at me.
"See, Rad. That's what you do. You love. You never got love from your family, so you were never shown how to love. But somehow you can still give love. Intensely. And you'll keep giving love because that's who you are. Only I hope now that you will get every bit of love that you deserve for yourself."
With every passing moment, the sky was growing incrementally brighter. I could tell that Dylan was aware of the gravity of the approaching moment, but after a night of celebration he was still feeling a little bit giddy.
I had to say farewell. I struggled to find the words that would tell him how much he meant to me; to give him that food for his journey.
"I'll miss being able to hold you in my hands. But you'll always be in my heart, in my mind, in my soul."
"And in your butt," Dylan giggled.
It took me a moment. Then I giggled, too. Truthfully, after those hours in the arborvitae I could still feel him there.
It seemed like such a light note on which to say goodbye to Dylan; this version of my friend. But it also seemed like the right note.
I kissed his left hand, back and then palm. I kissed his right hand the same way. Then I folded his hands in prayer and kissed them again. I left Father Thomas' crucifix there between them. It was another part of me that would go with Dylan on his new adventure; that crucifix and a piece of my heart.
Dylan sobered.
"Thank you, Rad. This isn't easy. But it's not as hard now because I know that I'm still going to be here when I'm gone."
If the sun didn't get me, the tears would. I had to leave.
Like Dylan's friends, I looked back at him at least a half dozen times as I struggled to pull myself away from the shore and up onto the street. As he had with his friends, he did me the honor of following me with his eyes until I had disappeared from view. Then he turned to face the direction of the sun.
I burst into the church and spared just a few moments in the chancel, praying with every fiber in me that the god would be kind to Dylan. That he would take him in his arms, protect him from all harm, and provide him a place somewhere he could be free from all of life's burdens until he could meet again someday with Dion, Taryn and all of his friends. I prayed for myself that I would be one of those friends.
I stumbled down the stairs on exhausted legs. My body could feel the sun lurking just below the horizon. But before I slept, I had one last task to undertake.
I found Jebby waiting for me next to the window in our spare room. He seemed anxious.
"Where are Mike and Marco?" I wondered.
"They've been losing their minds," Jebby informed me. "But when we finally noticed you down by the lake, they knew you'd be home in time. They're getting our nest ready for you now."
That was good news. I might not have the energy to get it ready for myself once I had completed my mission.
"We're saying goodbye to Dylan, aren't we?" Jebby asked.
I have no idea how he knew. He probably put the pieces together. Some thoughts leaking from my mind, maybe Mike had unintentionally provided a clue, and of course there was the scene playing out on the shore of Lake Michigan. Jebby had his intuition. He would have figured it out.
"He's not coming back?"
I couldn't bring myself to speak. Those emotions were too close to the surface. But I opened my mind to Jebby and invited him to share with me.
From the basement window, I could see Dylan atop his rock outcropping. He stood facing the eastern horizon. But as the sky continued to grow brighter, he eased himself to the ground.
Dylan lay with his feet to the east and his head to the west, perhaps to permit him to greet the rising sun, perhaps in conscious imitation of cultural norms rooted in our religious traditions. I knew how tired I was feeling. I hoped that he would be able to stay awake long enough to see that sun for the final time.
Next to me, Jebby was growing more anxious. I tried to reassure him by pointing out that the sun's rays would strike the top of Dylan's rock pyre close to a minute before they could reach our window. I was determined to remain where I was long enough to share my friend's final moments with him.
I focused intently on Dylan, lying there atop those rocks. There was a faint sensation on the distant boundaries of my awareness. It felt like a connection. I didn't push it any harder. I didn't want to intrude on Dylan's moment. But I hoped that he would feel some comfort in knowing that I was with him.
It may not have been perceptible to the human eye, but I could detect each minute increase in the brightness of the sky. Soon I was able to see light rays reflecting directly off the molecules of air in the sky mere hundreds of meters above us. And they gradually crept lower.
I opened my heart to the god around us and began to pray with renewed fervor. The beams of direct light crept lower and lower, until there were mere meters above that rock outcropping. And somewhere, in the distance, I could feel Father Maxwell begin to pray.
Emotion erupted from me in a flood. And it was echoed from the shore of the lake. Direct sunlight reflected from stones just a few feet above where Dylan lay.
That reflected light almost forced me to look away. I could feel pain growing in my eyes. Then the rock around Dylan began to glow. And so did he.
As Dylan disappeared from my sight, a soft luminescence coiled above the rock, then flowed outward from where he had been lying, growing stronger as it spread across the beach and then into the dark city streets. It expanded outward until it washed up against the church and Jebby dragged me down from my perch by the window.
I huddled in the corner, stunned. The light entered the room, expanding outward until it found my hiding place. The golden glow wrapped around me.
I thought it might burn. But it didn't. That golden luminescence filled me with an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy.
I thought I understood what had happened. Dylan had been consumed by the light. That knowledge horrified me. But at the same time, as that golden glow filled the church basement, it felt warm. It felt safe. It felt right. And stronger than anything else, somehow it felt holy.
I sat in that corner for more than a minute. The sensation of light filled the room. It felt very much like it belonged there. Its brilliance nearly blinded me, but within it I could hear a shy giggle. From somewhere, I detected the scent of something sweet.
I extended my senses into the radiance. Faintly, I heard that bashful giggle again. Then it grew stronger, more confident. It became almost a satisfied chuckle, they boyish mirth, before it ended in a deep sigh of contentment.
On the edges of my awareness, that faint scent kept teasing me. It smelled like apples. Yes! Green apples!
A dam burst inside me. I felt tears flood unabashedly down my cheeks, sorrow mingling with joy so completely that I couldn't tell one from the other.
I heard a voice. It felt like it was coming from inside that golden light. But it wasn't Dylan.
"Welcome, little one."
It sounded friendly enough. But even through the filter of light and distance, I could sense Dylan's awe.
"Where is this?"
"Does it truly matter where? This is your new home!"
There was a long pause, as if Dylan was trying to take in his surroundings. And then an uncertain tone entered his voice.
"Are you... ?"
"I am a friend. Many people know me as Comicality."
That news drew a gasp from Dylan. Then another long pause.
"Does that mean... ? Am I really just a fictionalized story? Is that all my life was?"
That revelation really seemed to hurt Dylan.
"Your friend was wrong about that, little one. Someday you will be able to tell Dion that you — that all of you — are so much more than mere products of my imagination."
That was confusing. And from the tone I heard in Dylan's voice, I wasn't the only one who was confused.
"How can that be? If you created me, how am I more than just a part of your mind?"
That seemed a reasonable question. It made me wonder how real I was.
"Our minds aren't unique to ourselves. Every thought in my mind comes from somewhere. And when I release it from my mind, it flies to a thousand different minds and takes root there.
"No, little one. Your existence has been far too real and painful for you. The time has come for me to bring you home, where you will be loved and cared for. Where you will feel no more pain. But you have been, and you are, completely real.
"You will continue on in thousands of different places and in even more ways. You already exist in many thousands of minds. There, you will become everything you wished to become. And then you will become even more."
I could sense Dylan grappling with that concept.
"That's not how they told us that the world works. But I feel like I do exist at least somewhere else. I just don't understand how."
The laughter was rich and vibrant.
"In the universe, the only limits that really exist are those that we place on ourselves. Don't seek to understand how a thing could transcend those self-imposed limits. Just know that it has been done, so it must be possible."
Uncertainly, I heard Dylan join in the laughter.
"I only ever wanted to be loved. Can I be loved here?"
"Certainly, little one. Here and everywhere. I have always loved you. Even when you used your extra to conceal yourself as protection from the rest of the world, I have always seen you. And I have always loved you."
"Always?" Dylan's voice filled with wonder.
"Always. I have always been watching you. And I always loved you. You are one of my chosen."
"This will be my home now?" Dylan voice was filled with wonder. What he was perceiving must have been remarkable.
And then I could sense something different about his voice, like he had changed perspective and was speaking to someone else. His voice had become louder.
"There's light! This place is full of light!"
I heard that deeper chuckle again.
"Who are you speaking to, little one?"
Dylan's tone was filled with enthusiasm and excitement.
"That's my friend, Rad!"
"Rad? Oh, yes. Rad. I have heard of him."
It sounded like he might even approve of me.
"He's a good friend, isn't he?"
Dylan didn't have to speak for me to feel his affirmation.
"He doesn't fully understand it yet, but he made an enormous sacrifice for you. He has given an important part of himself for you; to be with you. He has given his individuality to share his worldly existence with you."
That grabbed my attention. I hadn't considered that.
But I had no regrets. Maybe it was because during the first eleven years of my life I had never been given any sense of self. I was never taught to value myself as an individual.
It felt like I had suffered no loss in sharing my existence with Dylan. I would gladly give up my individuality for someone that I loved. And if they chose to love me back, I would give up everything for them.
"And you, too, have made a similar sacrifice. You feel him here within you. He will always be part of you. You share his body and his being. And he shares your being, too."
That confused me. And it filled me with wonder. I couldn't imagine how that part of me that had gone with Dylan was reacting to their new existence.
That made me wonder how the Dylan within me was responding to what we were experiencing. I attempted to reach him, but he didn't respond.
I looked harder. He wasn't there.
It was only when I reconsidered Comicality's words that I realized why I couldn't contact my Dylan. I confirmed it by searching through my memories.
Childhood. School. Misery. Running away from home. Living with Mike. Learning to earn a living. Being bitten. Living on the junk car lot. Nights on the Navy Pier with Taryn and Dion. Seeing a little blond rat and his friend there. Feeling a softness in my heart for that child. Wondering how I could help the boy. Having sex with Dion. A jagged pipe piercing my heart.
I had no unique memories. I had memories that both seemed to belong to me and that also didn't seem to belong to me, but they were all mine. I had memories of my selves. I had memories of observing my selves from different perspectives.
In short, there was no Rad. There was no Dylan. There was just me... us... whatever.
That... was a mindbender!
I guess that's what Comicality had meant when he said I had given up my individuality. When I pleaded with Dylan to fill me with himself, I had thought of it like taking in a boarder. Sharing a room. But Dylan and I now shared an existence. Completely.
When I got over the shock, I realized that I still didn't mind. It had been no great sacrifice.
I loved Dylan. He was part of me now. I loved Rad. He was part of me now. It was so weird! But it was weird in an awfully good way.
I had become somebody new. I felt some loss. But that feeling was more than compensated by what I had gained.
I had been Rat. He had been Dylan. We were Rad.
As I considered the idea, I realized that it was Dylan who had first named me Rad. And now we both were. Rad.
I heard two voices chuckling from inside the golden radiance. And I heard a single voice, blended together.
"Goodbye, Rad. Until we meet again, we'll always love you."
I might have sat there for hours, until the sunlight filled the room and perhaps consumed me. I really don't know how my body would have reacted to all of that reflected sunlight.
Jebby was almost in a panic. He was yanking on my arm, struggling to drag me toward the passage to our lair, where Mike and Marco were waiting.
"Come on! You have to go, Rad! The sun!"
I didn't want to leave that golden embrace. I was dazed, confused, and overwhelmed by emotion as I allowed Jebby to guide me blindly through the passage to our lair.
Of course! The sun! I had to go, I realized.
Someday, I had to go.
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