The Year of the Rat
by Nico Grey
Chapter 19
Mike and Marco knew each other. Both were delighted to be sharing a home together.
I introduced Jebby and Mike to each other slowly. I knew that Mike would be fine with Jebby. He'd care for him in the same way that he cared for me for so many months.
But I worried a little that Jebby might feel threatened when my 'boyfriend' actually appeared. He had promised that he understood my commitment to Mike, and that it wouldn't affect the friendship that he and I had, or our love for each other. But I was still concerned about what might happen when Jebby was confronted with the reality of Mike in our lives. I didn't want to hurt him.
I needn't have worried. Mike loved Jebby. And that made it easier for Jebby to accept Mike, then come to love him in return.
I hadn't told Mike much about Jebby's story, beyond meeting him in Grant Park, homeless and hungry, and now sharing a home with him. I didn't even mention the past that Jebby and I shared.
I stopped to see Mike one night, not long after I had introduced him and Jebby to each other. He was in a reflective mood.
He had spent the day with Marco and Jebby. It did my heart good to know that my friends could still frolic in the city during daylight. It sounded like the day had done them good, as well.
Once Mike and I were past the preliminaries — it was almost impossible to go a day without at least some physical sharing — he eyed me speculatively.
"Do you really know how much he loves you?"
I assumed that he was referring to Jebby. And I thought that I did. Mike certainly understood that the two of us had become very close in the weeks that we had been living and working together.
"Did he really treat you that terribly? When you went to school together," he added as I tried to figure out how I should respond.
Apparently Jebby had bared his soul to Mike that day. I thought it was an encouraging sign that he was willing to trust Mike with something that cast himself in such a negative light.
"It was like hearing his confession," Mike was both amazed and somewhat amused.
Jebby hadn't just bared his soul. He had done so in excruciating detail. He had told Mike about things he did to me that I couldn't even remember.
"How did you guys find that much time away from Marco?"
They hadn't. Jebby had confessed some of the darkest secrets in his soul — at least he viewed them that way — in front of two of the only three people left in his life. It was a huge display of trust.
But apparently it was more than that. Mike told me that Jebby shared everything so they would understand what he was capable of doing. Then he pleaded for their help to make sure that he never hurt me again. He was willing to risk their good opinion of him, and their friendship, because he cared so much about me.
It was a humbling disclosure. I understood that Jebby and I loved each other very deeply. He had already demonstrated that to me. But the sacrifice he made for me, the risk he took of losing valuable friendships, or at least the esteem of his friends, was something that I felt profoundly.
"He needs a day with you. He deserves it." I thought it was a perfect suggestion.
Later, as I prepared to leave, Mike shared one more insight with me.
"He knows something."
I explained to Mike that I had told Jebby about an illness. Something that prevented me from being exposed to sunlight.
"It's more than that. He explained that to me and Marco. But while he was telling us about that, he was watching me closely. It was like he was trying to figure out if I knew the 'real' story."
That was interesting. At least a little disturbing, too. But after Jebby had exposed himself so starkly because he wanted help making sure he never hurt me again... well, maybe there was a further message in this news, not a warning.
Jebby and I worked the following evening. We left Marco in Mike's hands. I'm pretty sure that they were looking forward to continuing to renew their acquaintance.
It probably wasn't the ideal way to reward the sacrifice Jebby had offered for me. But it was a close bonding experience.
Jebby hated it when he felt that he wasn't pulling his own weight. He had learned a lot about the risks associated with our line of work. But rather than avoid them, he preferred to share them with me, rather than leave me to face them alone.
I was a little worried about running into Marco's hip-hop-mafia pimp while Jebby was with me. We were cautious as we approached the park. I didn't notice any strangely dressed adults hanging around, so we joined the work crew.
Our fan club was out in force that night. It didn't freak Jebby out like it had before. Instead, he worried about me. He seemed to think I should be concerned that some of those who appreciated Cowboy Roy's cinematography might be just as criminally insane as he was.
I wondered why he wasn't worried about the crazies. He appeared to think it more important to protect me.
The fan club was actually well-behaved that evening. Jebby really got into it. Eventually, so did I.
We had a lot of fun together and got paid for doing it. I don't suppose I'll ever learn to love my work. But some nights are definitely better than others.
As we walked home that night, Jebby pushed me down into some bushes alongside the road. I don't know where he found the interest after a long shift at work. I guess he was energized after spending a night doing his part for our little crew and helping to protect me from any weirdoes that Cowboy Roy might have inspired.
He was ready to go again by the time we got home!
Mike and I had agreed that the night would be for Jebby. He was having Marco in for a sleepover. We would see each other the following night.
Jebby and I stopped first to visit the church. Then we went straight to bed.
His libido was working overtime that night. But I had other ideas.
We did start with a healing service. Jebby insisted on that. He thought good health was very important.
I was prepared to move on to my plan for the evening. It was becoming more and more obvious that I would have to share my secret with Jebby eventually. It didn't seem possible to keep it from him forever.
The longer we had lived together, the more confident I had become that he could probably handle it, too. Whatever had happened in our past, I had found him completely loyal and reliable since our chance meeting in Grant Park. He cared about me and he trusted me.
I had worked out a plan to block or alter his memory if he took the news badly. Then I discarded the idea. Jebby had been too loyal and honest for me to treat him that way. I determined that I would share my secret and then trust in his response.
I needn't have worried about his reaction.
I didn't even wait for his healing service to conclude. I did think that he would be less likely to feel threatened by my revelation if he felt like he was in complete control of me when I shared that news.
In the end, my revelation was anticlimactic. He already understood that there was something significant that was different about me. My story about a heliophobic illness that afflicted me had seemed rather implausible to him.
He just hadn't seen any need to question that story. He loved me. He needed a place to live and some purpose for his life. He needed people to care about him. My illness story just created a strange set of boundaries for his new living arrangement. But he was happy to live inside them if it allowed him to have what he wanted and needed.
The vampire thing? He was far more curious about it than frightened by it. He had questions that might have gone on for hours. I decided that the best way to start to answer them was the same way I had shared the news with Mike. I touched his mind and showed him what had happened to me.
It really hadn't occurred to me that it might turn him on. At first, he was horrified by what had been done to me. But it didn't take long before he wanted us to re-enact the scene on top of that steel bridge. I refused to let him play my role. I tried to explain the danger to him.
Finally, I concluded that the easiest way to help him understand the potential danger of living with a vampire was to show him what I had almost done to him in our nest, just a few weeks earlier. I shared those images with him and what I had been feeling in those moments. I thought that would help him realize just how little control I might have at times and the disastrous consequences if it happened at the wrong time and place.
Tears started to form in his eyes.
"If that ever happens, would you take me with you?"
I didn't quite follow what he was asking.
"Into darkness. Please take me with you. I just want to be with you."
That was a disturbing request; and heart-breaking. It was difficult to make that promise. I knew that Trevor had turned me into a vampire. I just didn't know if that was something I could do.
"You can," Jebby assured me. "Please promise that you'll let me be with you."
I wondered how he could be so sure that I could.
He had a puzzled expression on his face.
"I don't know. I just know that you can."
That certainty seemed unusual.
And I was curious about why he would even want to join me in darkness. Wouldn't it be better to avoid that risk and continue to enjoy his life?
"The best part of my life is being with you."
And then we were both crying a little. He out of fear of being left alone. Me because I was so blessed.
Over the next few days, I spoke with both Jebby and Mike about Marco. He really didn't have any other place to go. But how would it work out if he knew that he was living with one of the undead?
Both Mike and Jebby were confident it would work out. They liked Marco. They thought he was trustworthy. They were sure that his life had been so bad that the idea of living with a vampire wouldn't be any worse than returning to what he had known.
Besides, Jebby pointed out, if there was a problem I could always block or erase his memory.
How did he know that? I had already told him. Then I had demonstrated the ability for him. That boy was just full of questions!
A few days later, we made it official. We were a family! We had all moved in together.
I would have preferred to live in Mike's lair. But that part of the church basement had a couple of windows installed high in the wall. It really wasn't possible to create a safe sleeping space there for me without doing some serious remodeling.
My lair became our sleeping quarters. The spare room became a living area. Mike's lair was a good place for any of us that wanted to get away for a while. We didn't want to give up that space. The light in that room was really helpful when Mike wanted to work on his sketches.
In the end, I didn't wait very long to share my secret with Marco. Jebby was impatient. He thought life would be easier if we didn't have to keep it from Marco. And in the worst case, I could just make Marco forget that he knew anything.
I didn't feel good about that possibility. But Jebby was persuasive. He was just about certain that Marco could handle the news. And it just made sense if we all began our new living arrangement on the same page.
So Marco and I had the talk. He took it just as well as Jebby had predicted he would. And later, when he found out about my ability to change memories, he offered to let me inside his head. He wondered if I could leave him the memory of what I had told him, but unable to say anything about it outside of our family.
As it turned out, we learned that I have some pretty interesting abilities to do things with the minds of others. The more we learned about my ability, it seemed that the more that the others wanted to learn. They thought it was pretty cool. They weren't the least bit frightened by my power. They wanted to explore it. I was starting to feel like a middle school science experiment.
I was able to help Marco with another problem. He approached me rather uncertainly one night. He asked for my help.
He really wanted to return to work. He wanted to pull his weight in the family, too. But he was scared. He wondered if I could help him block a certain memory so he wouldn't be afraid any more.
It seemed a simple enough request. But I had reservations. Marco had been a little too trusting in sexual encounters before he finally met his monster. He really enjoyed most of them. If I blocked that particular memory, he might become too reckless again about selling his little butt.
Marco let me experiment on him some more. I was learning a lot about my ability to manipulate memories.
We agreed that Marco should keep his memory of his near-tragedy in Grant Park. I really thought it an important reminder of the dangers of our work. I didn't want him to forget it. But whenever Marco worked, he invited me inside his head to reduce his fear response to that awful memory. I advanced my skill level just a little bit farther. And it helped to keep Marco cautious and safe.
Of course, we never let Marco work alone. When we worked, we almost always worked as a team. We wanted him safe. And we were concerned about another encounter with his hip-hop-mafia pimp.
It seemed that every time that Jebby and I worked together, at least three or four fans showed up during the course of the evening, looking for us to put on a show for them. Cowboy Roy was gone. But it appeared that his legacy might follow us forever.
Most of our fans were nice enough. They were just lonely guys that enjoyed watching boys get naked and do sex stuff together. Some of them were tactile — or maybe they were just visually impaired. So perhaps they weren't candidates for Man of the Year, but they weren't awful people.
On those rare occasions that Jebby wasn't there, our fans were disappointed. They enjoyed watching naked boys do sex stuff together, but I think that they found something particularly appealing about the passion when Jebby and I were together. Maybe it reminded them of something about their own youth that they had lost.
As long as our fans respected our boundaries, we were willing to share. It paid the bills. And Jebby and I really did get into each other.
It might feel a bit awkward at first, taking off our clothes in front of an adult stranger and beginning the slow burn toward ignition. But once we got going, we got so caught up in each other that we forgot almost everything around us. And there was something about an appreciative audience that, once our inhibitions were lowered, added an additional layer of amazing energy when we achieved liftoff.
Jebby started fantasizing about what we did together. First he was enthused about the idea of creating a tiny theater in our glade of arborvitae and charging admission for our performances. He thought that was a win-win. We would enjoy each other and could share that experience with a small audience.
He thought we could earn a lot more for each performance that way. And in his mind, at least, a half dozen to a dozen strangers would be less likely to get handsy during performances. We might have to make some concessions to their curiosity pre-game or post-game, but we could focus even more on each other during the moments that mattered.
It was probably weird that I even considered the idea. Less than a year ago, I almost threw up at the idea of exposing my penis or touching someone else's penis. Now I was actually considering starring in a sex performance in a tiny off-Broadway theater. It's true that it was only a small venue. But what would Jebby and I do if the big stage ever came calling?
His next idea was inspired by Disco. The director, not the dance music. That would have really been weird!
Jebby started to shyly wonder about recording our performances. He had heard what Roy said about being able to name his own price for the video that he and Disco were producing. I'm sure he hadn't thought the whole idea through. I just got the sense that he was proud of me and wanted to show me off. What if we produced our own performance?
That was a hard no! I just couldn't risk having the two of us exposed like that on the internet, no matter how much money was involved. There were too many ways that could cause real trouble if the wrong people became aware of us and started trying to find us. But after I had poured cold water on Jebby's idea, I did indulge in some serious fantasies of my own!
I loved Jebby. And I loved what we did together every bit as much as I loved him. Either the altruist or the exhibitionist in me liked the idea of sharing it with the world. Maybe it was both. Unfortunately, actually doing something like that was far too dangerous for us.
Marco sometimes accompanied Jebby and me when we were working. After a little help from me to suppress the worst of his fears and anxiety, he was able to find steady work. Sometimes, if he thought the customer was safe enough, he even expanded his menu.
I had mixed feelings about Jebby and Marco working. But it was something that they wanted to do. It allowed them to contribute to our family. And most of the time, they both liked the work. After some time on the job to lower inhibitions, the work wasn't too bad as long as the customers were nice.
Once our family was firmly established, Mike also felt well enough to return to work occasionally. I wished that he wouldn't, but he had his pride. He never liked the work. He just felt that he had to contribute. And a fifteen-year-old guy in the country illegally really couldn't find much else that paid well.
While Mike worked, he looked out for us. He was like our older brother in that regard.
He did have one limit. Jebby and I often performed together for work. Marco was sometimes hired to do things with me or Jebby. Mike was occasionally hired to do something with Marco or Jebby.
Mike and I never did anything sexual together on the job. What we had was strictly private and only for each other — although there were occasional exceptions made to that rule at home. But the love that Mike and I had for each other would never be sullied by a business transaction.
The four of us really were creating a happy life together. We might not have been the ideal American family. But we were a family. We looked out for each other. We loved each other. And we were happy.
Taryn and I hadn't discussed my extra, or whatever it was, for a few weeks. But Mike, Jebby and Marco did provide opportunities for me to explore it, after a fashion, and to practice with it.
I had been intrigued by my single experience inside a vampire mind, when Dylan shared with me. Going inside a human mind, unfortunately, was largely child's play for any vampire. But I was interested in finding out if it might be possible for a human to enter my mind.
None of my friends was capable of finding their way into my mind; not even when I opened to them. But when I actually guided them inside... well! It turned out that I could share myself with Mike, Jebby and Marco!
It was the equivalent of holding their hands and leading them into my mind, but it worked! Both Mike and Marco stayed with me as I guided them through some of my memories and my thoughts. For them, it was mostly just another form of putting my thoughts and memories inside their heads.
But I had hope for the future. Because once I led Jebby inside, he found that he could wander off and explore on his own! It got to the point where he would beg me to let him inside.
He found some of those adventures inspiring. For some reason, after he finished exploring he was always incredibly horny! Letting him inside to explore my mind became a form of foreplay for us.
I wasn't sure, but I thought that with practice Jebby might even be able to find his way into my mind without guidance. And I figured that if Jebby could explore on his own, maybe Mike and Marco would reach the point where they could do the same.
These experiments helped to pass the time for us. And they provided wonderful opportunities for us to bond.
For several weeks, my life was better than it had ever been. It was even better than when I had lived alone with Mike, under his care and protection. I had lost my humanity in the intervening twelve months, but I had gained so much more!
I might never see the sun again, but I had a life filled with people who loved me. And I loved them. That warm feeling was even better than sunshine.
While I would never experience daylight again, it does still rain at night. And I was about to encounter a deluge.
When I encountered Taryn in Gateway Park, I realized that it had been almost a month since I had last seen him. Judging from his appearance, it had been a difficult month for him. I almost asked what had happened, but decided to wait for him to tell me.
He regarded me with tragic eyes when I sat next to him on his bench. But he welcomed my head against his shoulder and entered my mind when I opened it to him.
I wasn't certain what to expect. I knew that Taryn would be concerned by my news that three humans knew my — really our — secret. But he never even mentioned that. He had probably been expecting that I would tell Mike eventually. Maybe he thought that the way Jebby and Marco had reacted to my disclosure was reassuring.
Taryn also didn't have much to say about my ability to remove and restore memories in my human friends' minds, or to influence their emotional reactions. He even let the news that Jebby could wander freely through my mind pass without comment. I was starting to realize that he was deeply distracted.
I thought that I had saved my best news for last: that Dylan and I had learned how to create memories, even false memories, in another mind; that I had been able to enter a vampire mind; and especially our amazing adventure wandering together through each other's minds.
I had thought that last news might finally excite him. I didn't expect it to bring tears to his eyes.
"Dylan wants to see you," Taryn informed me. He could barely choke the news out. "Will you meet him here tomorrow night?"
That wasn't surprising. It was about that time. We had been almost a month since our last hunt. We would need to feed soon.
I couldn't understand why Taryn was so upset. But instead of prying, I simply gave him a hug and thanked him for meeting me. Then I watched him fade into the night.
My friends understood my need to feed on human blood, but I still didn't like the idea that they might actually witness me draining a victim. Rather than explain where I was going, I simply told them that I had to meet a friend and might not be back for a while. That seemed less complicated than possibly having to argue with Jebby about coming along to provide backup for me.
Dylan was waiting for me in Gateway Park. I had felt like he was with me throughout the four weeks since we had shared minds, but it was still great to see him. He seemed happy to see me, too, but he was more reserved than he had been during our recent encounters. I put it down to whatever had been bothering Taryn the previous night.
During our walk to Grant Park, we chatted about minor nothings. Dylan and I didn't always engage in deep conversations, but these exchanges seemed almost inconsequential. Yet I got the sense that they were very meaningful for Dylan.
When we reached the park, it almost felt like Dylan parted from me reluctantly to find his vantage point in the bushes behind the restrooms. I joined the work crew in front of the buildings.
I had actually given a little thought to the logistics of the evening. Both of us needed to hunt. That meant that I might need to be less selective about choosing victims. But I didn't want to lower my standards too much. Garden variety perverts wouldn't die to feed us if I could help it.
Expanding my menu seemed like an option. I thought that inviting the worst potential customers to hire me would put me in contact more quickly with those most deserving of becoming dinner.
I had a customer immediately. Expanding my menu was a great idea! Sort of. Now I had to deliver on my end of the bargain.
It was a bit of a mixed outcome. The guy wasn't a horrible pervert. He was a guy who preferred to share his perversion with guys in their older teens. I was just the only worker offering that particular service on this occasion, so he chose me.
I really couldn't justify snacking on the guy, or sharing him with Dylan, so he went on his way when he was satisfied. At least Dylan found it a stimulating experience, if I sensed his mood accurately.
Returning to the office after having my plumbing polished, the absolute last thing I had expected to see was a hip-hop-mafia pimp. But there he was. In the flesh. Worse, he wasn't alone.
The small, naked figure huddled on the ground in front of him looked terrified. He had reason to feel that way. His pimp had returned for him.
The scene was ugly. Iggy had a dog's choker collar around Marco's neck. The chain links gleamed. Iggy had a leash attached to the collar and was using it to apply pressure on Marco's throat. I could even see handcuffs dangling from Iggy's belt.
Iggy was slashing at Marco with a strap of some sort. It might have been another leash. Marco was cowering at his feet. It looked like he had already given up.
The scene was also confusing. The other six guys working that evening were keeping their distance from Iggy and Marco. They were struggling to control another small figure.
Jebby.
I wasn't sure where I was needed first. I couldn't understand why my co-workers were helping the pimp.
Iggy made the decision for me. I heard a sharp 'snick', then noticed the steel gleam of the blade.
"Run from me, you little whore?! I paid good money for you!"
I realized that a bad situation was about to get worse.
And it did. The pimp had the knife in one hand. With his leash hand, he reached down between Marco's legs.
I did the only thing I could do. I started to charge at the pimp.
"Dude! Don't! He has a gun!" One of my co-workers warned me.
That would explain why they were restraining Jebby.
And they weren't lying. It looked big. Especially when it was pointed directly at me!
"Who are you?" Iggy demanded.
I was amazed at how calm I felt. I was in the middle of a crisis. There didn't appear to be any good way for it to end. But I could feel my thoughts organizing clearly and logically inside my head.
There was a good chance that I could still subdue this pimp, even with his gun. But it could end badly. I thought that a bullet tearing through my heart would probably mean the end of me.
And even if I did subdue him, I'd almost certainly have to demonstrate some extraordinary abilities right in front of the pimp, six of my co-workers, and any other human that might stumble accidentally on the scene. I might as well be wearing a Team Fangs game jersey if I had to go that route. That felt like it would be hard to cover up.
On the other hand, I couldn't just leave Marco to his fate. I didn't need to read Iggy's mind to understand that much worse things than more psychological trauma for Marco would be the result if Iggy wasn't stopped.
I also didn't like the odds of a good outcome, even if I could distract Iggy enough to allow Marco to slip away. For one thing, Marco didn't look to be in any state for slipping away.
I thought about calling for Dylan. But even if he could arrive in time, and even with his extra, there were far too many uncertainties to ensure that we could resolve the crisis without creating more problems.
I wondered if I could use my ability to go inside Iggy's mind and... do something. I wasn't quite sure what I might do. Make him think he was on an acid trip? I couldn't be sure of how he might react then and what harm could result.
The best option I could see was to get Iggy away from so many witnesses, try to get him away from Marco, and back out into the bushes where Dylan and I could handle him. The question was, how could I best accomplish that?
I decided that the safest route would be cautious and gradual. Sudden changes in his plans might trigger an unpredictable response from the pimp. I needed to distract his fury from Marco, give it a new focus, and leave Iggy feeling like he was in complete control of the situation so he didn't need to do anything hastily.
Simple. Right?
Oh, yeah. And I needed to accomplish that while staring down the barrel of a huge gun.
"I asked you who you are, bitch!"
So, a plan. First step, make Iggy feel in complete control of the situation.
I raised both hands in the air, turned away from him slightly, and inched closer to Marco.
The pimp followed me with the gun.
Step two, confuse him a bit.
Once I was standing next to Marco, I started to take off my clothes. It wasn't exhibitionism. It made me appear less threatening. And it made me look more like Marco; just another small, naked kid under the pimp's control.
When I reached toward Marco's neck, I could actually hear the pimp's finger tighten on the trigger of that pistol. I prayed that I wasn't moving too fast.
I knelt next to Marco. I kept my back to the pimp. And I reached out toward his mind with a message: He wanted to visit Marco's punishment on me.
I slipped the choker collar over Marco's head and settled it around my own neck.
"What do you think you're doing?!"
Pimps definitely don't like changes in their plans. I thought I should start to explain.
"I deserve his punishment."
I thought it was very important to establish that point first. There was no reason to give the pimp any reason to just start blazing away with that gun. I tried to reinforce that point in his mind before I continued to explain.
"I stole him from you."
I thought he might squeeze that trigger right then and there! I could feel the rage mounting in his mind. I tried to balance it with a need for hard, cold-hearted revenge. He had to make me suffer first!
"He's been living with me," I explained. Then I reinforced the message. "I deserve his punishment."
Spring was almost over. But my two-for-one sale was still popular. I stayed in Iggy's mind, distracting him from his need to teach Marco his lesson, focusing his need on punishing a young upstart for messing with his business.
"You know what I've been planning for you," he informed me.
I didn't. I had a few guesses. None of them were pleasant.
He tightened the choker around my neck. He was back with the knife. And this time it was my balls that he was grabbing!
For a brief moment, I panicked. But I had been through this once before. It wasn't my first ro-day-o, to quote a dear, departed friend. It was easier to calm my mind and think, the second time around.
Part of my clear, calm mind was thinking that I was out of my mind. I was taking an enormous risk. I might not only end up a purty little steer, I could end up quite dead. That gun could do a massive amount of damage to my heart, if that was Iggy's plan.
It seemed like a good idea to check his mind and find out what he did intend.
Yup. Only castration. No big deal. What?!?!
I might have been thinking a little too calmly and clearly.
But I had to protect Marco. He was part of my family. I loved him.
He was in no condition to help himself. If I didn't take this risk for him, he would end up horribly scarred for life in both body and mind.
I did consider the risk I was running. I was pretty sure that, if worse did come to worst, my body would probably regenerate what I lost. It might hurt like hell, but I had already experienced pretty severe pain. I'd live.
If it turned out that vampire bodies didn't regenerate amputated tissue... I did need a minute to consider those implications.
But really, the main purpose of those two little organs was procreation. I was a vampire now. Vampires didn't produce offspring. New vampires were sired via another process. I would never father children. That ship had sailed when Trevor plunged me into darkness.
I didn't need them to see me thought puberty. When I joined the dark side, my body stopped changing. Permanently. I didn't even need testosterone to help build muscle. So if I did spend the rest of my life sans testicules, it wouldn't change the course of my existence in any fundamental way.
The only question left was whether I would keep all of my original parts. If I didn't, would they be replaced under some kind of vampire warranty? I hoped so. But even in the worst case scenario, it wouldn't cost me anywhere close to what it would cost Marco to lose his.
That seemed like a clear, calm, rational decision. Or it did right up until the moment when there was no turning back.
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