Birth of a Covenant
by Nico Grey
The minor demon stared intently into the eyes of the teen idol sitting across the dining room table from him. Heat was rising from the pit of the demon's stomach. He was gripped by an overwhelming hunger, an intense desire to satisfy his lust. The teen idol watched anxiously, his innocence transfixed by the implacable gaze of the demon.
The teen idol cleared his throat uncertainly. The demon waved to dismiss the interruption and rose purposefully to his feet.
The doorbell rang.
Liam Grant sighed. "Damn! I thought they were done for the night."
He turned away from the pop star and stalked out of the room, toward the front of the house.
"Oh, no!" Liam's voice carried into the dining room from the foyer, "It's Father Martin from St. Peter's."
In the dining room, Ronan heard the sound of the front door opening, then the sound of Liam's voice calling again. "For the love of god, Ronan! Father Martin's here! Would you please put your pants back on?!"
Ronan shot to his feet in a panic and dashed into the foyer. He was greeted by a grinning demon and the inside of the front door, still firmly shut. Liam was laughing hysterically.
"You bastard!" Ronan shrieked, just as Liam opened the front door, three excited children called out "trick or treat!", and a shocked-looking mother behind them locked eyes on Ronan.
"Ronan!" she snapped, "You know better than that!" She took in Ronan's embarrassment and confusion. "Oh, I'd know you anywhere, even with that ridiculous Justin Bieber hairstyle, Ronan Kane. Your parents would be shocked if they heard you talking like that!"
Ronan's mouth opened and closed soundlessly as he struggled to comprehend what had just happened to him. He pointed helplessly in Liam's direction.
"Oh, I'm sure this imp had something to do with it," she said, favoring Liam with a stern glance. "But your parents certainly raised you better! My children don't need to hear language like that! And you should be concerned for your own sake, too! What if it had been someone like Father Martin on the other side of this door?"
Liam spun away quickly and started choking in a corner. Ronan took a moment to glare at him.
"I'm really sorry, Mrs. Malley," Ronan said. "I was surprised by something and I just didn't think. But you're right," he tried to placate her, "I shouldn't even be talking like that. A bad influence," again he eyed Liam sharply, "is no excuse."
Ronan looked directly at the three trick-or-treaters. "I'm sorry I said that bad word in front of you guys. What I did was wrong. Please don't say bad things like I did. Listen to your parents." He looked back at Mrs. Malley, pleading with his gaze.
She looked at least slightly mollified, but watched him carefully as he reached into a bowl of candy and distributed some to each of her children.
"I'm really sorry, Mrs. Malley," Ronan tried once more. "It won't happen again. Please forgive me!"
She looked a bit dubious, but nodded briskly as she gathered her children and led them from the Grant house and toward their next destination.
Ronan closed the door. He could barely contain his frustration. "D---, d---, I mean, dang it, Liam! Why did you do that to me?"
Liam was giggling so hard he could barely get the words out. "You need to loosen up, bro. You're way too uptight. You just need to have some fun. Oh," he threw back over his shoulder as he returned to the dining room, "and you can take your pants off again."
"Liam!" Ronan took a deep breath and counted to ten. "My pants were never off!"
"Maybe that's the problem!" Liam sniggered. "You should spend some time with your pants off. You know," he reflected, "We've been together for almost nine months and I still haven't even seen you in your underwear."
Ronan groaned. "We talked about that, Liam. I'm just not ready yet. You know some stuff happened last winter, before we started dating, that's making it hard for me to do stuff like that. I want to," he pleaded with Liam. "I really do! But every time I start feeling that way... It's too embarrassing. You know. Because of last year. I just can't..." he trailed off. "I'm really sorry."
"How do you think I feel?" Liam demanded. "We're fourteen. We're in our sexual prime! What are we going to do if you wait so long that we lose interest in sex?"
"Does that happen?" Ronan was truly surprised, even a bit alarmed.
"I've heard Ashley tell her friends that Gil doesn't want to do anything with her, and he's only two years older than us! What if we lose interest while you're still trying to decide if you're ready?" Liam paused for a moment. "Or are you interested in someone else? Have you changed your mind about me?!"
"No!" Ronan insisted. "I never even think of anyone else. I swear! And I always think of you. Every time. You know..." He made a subtle gesture with his hand. Then he blushed furiously.
Liam's eyes lit up. "Ronan, you don't have to just imagine what it would be like. We have plenty of time before my parents get home."
"I can't." Ronan had trouble meeting Liam's eyes. "Last year, just before our first date, I got caught, uh, you know, doing it." His voice trailed off.
"What do you mean, 'doing it'?" Liam eyes suggested that he knew exactly what Ronan was talking about but really wanted to hear the whole story. "You had sex with someone else?!" He acted upset, but Ronan was pretty sure that Liam knew better.
"No? Of course not! I was alone. Doing the thing. Jeez!" Ronan complained. "You know that thing we all do."
"So what?" Liam demanded. "We all do it. What happened to you that was so special?"
Ronan glanced around anxiously, like he was checking for hidden microphones, or maybe was just desperate to be anywhere else. He sighed. "I thought I was home alone. And I was in the middle of things when the door to my room opened."
Liam was far too curious to be concerned about what Ronan was feeling in the moment. "So what happened? You got caught playing with yourself. Who caught you? Gil?"
Ronan nodded slowly. "Gil. And Marky." He took a deep breath. "And my dad."
Liam looked amused and slightly aroused. "Okay. Weird. But Gil and your dad have to know it happens. Right?"
Ronan's head dropped onto the table with a soft thump. "It was at the moment. You know. Of ignition..." He didn't say more. He was praying that Liam would understand.
"Oh, man! As in, 'we have liftoff'? Holy crap!" One of Liam's hands dropped below the table and he shifted in his chair. "Did you shoot all the way to the ceiling?"
"How the f---, I mean, freak would I know?!" Ronan demanded. "I had other things on my mind!"
"Okay. I think I get it," Liam said. "You should be proud of what you can do. You're a man. But you're so repressed that you're embarrassed about getting caught. I guess that can happen to some people. Plus you're Catholic. Yeah. That makes sense." He thought for a moment. "So you don't want to get naked. But why can't you let me see you in your underwear?" He looked hopefully at Ronan.
Ronan shook his head violently.
Liam was perplexed. "Can we kiss?" he wondered.
Ronan paused to think about that. "Yeah, I guess. Maybe," he offered.
Liam sprang up out of his chair and was caught on the edge of the table. While he was writhing in pain, Ronan interrupted him. "Not, like, right now, Liam. I need to work up to it. Maybe we can keep talking and see what happens."
Liam sat back down and tended to his injury, his ardor somewhat diminished. "So what happened after you got caught?" He wasn't ready to let that go yet.
"I'm not sure," Ronan's brow furrowed. "My dad and Marky left again. They were sledding or something. Dad hasn't said a word about it since. I have no idea what he thinks... although he does know that we're together, so I guess he's okay with it." He had a confused expression on his face. "Marky hasn't said anything... except he did ask me later if I had killed the skeeter. Do little kids call it 'killing the skeeter' now?"
Liam appeared to be just as confused as Ronan.
"Gil hung around the house after Dad and Marky left and came up to talk to me after a while. I thought I wanted to die, but he was real cool about it, Liam." Ronan wiped at his eyes briefly. "He acted like it was no big deal. And he told me some stuff, dude. Stuff that helped me feel better about what I did."
Liam wanted to hear more. But that wasn't his only priority. "Hey, Ronan. Let's go into the living room. We can sit on the sofa and keep an eye on the street for trick-or-treaters while we're talking."
Ronan gave him a 'why-are-you-suddenly-thinking-this-now' look. But he shrugged and went along with the suggestion.
Ronan settled on the sofa. Liam slipped in right next to Ronan and gently rubbed up against his shoulder. "So what did Gil say that helped you feel better?" he demanded.
Ronan glanced at him suspiciously. "It's kind of personal, Liam," he said. "Gil probably wouldn't want me sharing that with anyone."
"Come on, bro," Liam said. "You're my boyfriend. We should share stuff like this with each other." He had a brief inspiration. "I've told you lots of personal stuff about Ashley. And what I want to know is really about you."
Ronan sighed. "It's more complicated than that, dude. Gil told me something that made me feel a lot better, but it's really embarrassing for him." He came to a decision. "You have to promise that you'll never say a word about this to anyone. Not ever. This is way bigger than just me and you."
Liam's eyes got wider. "Of course, bro. I won't say anything to anyone. I swear I won't even hint that I know!"
Ronan checked to make sure that Liam's fingers weren't crossed. "Okay. But this is for real, Liam. It would hurt Gil if you ever repeat it. And that would hurt me. A lot!"
Liam drew a cross over his heart and wrapped his arm around Ronan's shoulder. "I love you, bro. I won't let anything happen to you. Not ever."
Ronan drew a deep breath, then another. "The thing that Gil said helped to make me feel like less of a freak, Liam. When he and Dad caught me, I had some guy porn playing on my computer. And a picture of you next to it," he added shyly.
"I thought Dad would think I was the biggest pervert in the world. And Gil, too." Ronan took another deep breath. "But Gil knew how I was feeling. He made me cookies and cocoa. He hugged me. And he told me," Ronan drew another cautious breath, "he told me that Dad had caught him doing something just like I was doing. Okay?"
Liam waited a moment for Ronan to continue. "Do you mean that Gil is just like us?" he wondered when Ronan didn't say any more. "I guess that explains why he isn't interested in doing anything with Ashley!"
"Liam! No! That's not why," Ronan corrected him. "I know that Gil loves Ashley. And he wants to do stuff with her. Sometimes I hear him in bed at night. You know. Doing the thing. And it's always Ashley's name that he says when he's getting close. He hasn't said anything to me, but maybe he's just having a hard time doing it with Ashley because of when he got caught by Dad. Maybe he's feeling just like me," Ronan trailed off, wondering if perhaps he hadn't shared too much.
Liam giggled. "So both of you guys don't want to have sex because your dad caught you beating off. Maybe you should be with each other!"
"And you and Ashley are both sex fiends. Maybe you should be with her!" Ronan snapped.
Liam blanched. "Eeeewwwww!" he groaned. Then he considered what he had said. "I'm sorry I said that, bro. I was just messing with you."
Ronan accepted the apology with a reluctant nod. Liam wrapped his arm around Ronan's shoulders more securely. They sat together in silence for a few moments.
"You know," Ronan said, "I did think that maybe Gil would do stuff with me when he found out that I liked guys. He was kinda interested in guys, too, when he was our age. When he asked me to share his bedroom with him, I thought, you know..." he trailed off.
Liam emerged instantly from his reflections. "That would be hot, bro! If he wants to, I wouldn't mind you doing stuff with Gil. You could do anything you want with him for as long as you want... if you let me watch," he added slyly.
"You pervert!" Ronan smirked at him.
"I'm no pervert," Liam defended himself. He considered adding more, then thought better of it. "But I love you, Ro! And Gil is really hot, too. Even if you aren't ready to do anything with me, I'd love to watch you and Gil!"
Ronan sighed. "I thought it would be pretty cool, too. But Gil says that he wants me to grow up at my own pace. He says that's what will be best for me. And if he and I did sex stuff together, it could interfere with that." He brushed a hand across his eyes. "Gil has always been a good brother. But for the past nine months, after they saw me," he shuddered, "he's been like my guardian angel!" Ronan paused to consider and suppressed a sob. "I'm so lucky I have a brother like Gil."
Liam reined in his imagination and simply held Ronan for several minutes while Ronan regained control of his emotions. He wasn't at all ready when Ronan leaned toward him.
"Thanks, Liam," Ronan whispered. "I love you." He ran the tip of his tongue across his lips, then gently made contact with Liam's lips.
A sudden movement in the picture window caught their attention and their heads snapped apart. A face in the window withdrew quickly from the light and disappeared into the shadows.
"Ashley!" Liam screamed. He glanced toward Ronan and was furious to see the shame and pain on his boyfriend's face. "How could you do this to Ronan?!" He leapt to his feet and bounded to the front door.
In front of the Grant house, Gil was glaring sharply at his girlfriend. She appeared confused by his reaction.
"Ashley!" Liam screamed again. "Why would you do something like that?!" He stood in the doorway, torn between the need to vent his anger at his sister and the need to comfort his boyfriend. He remained there indecisively for a moment, trembling with rage, before he turned abruptly on his heel and stalked back into the house. Liam overcame Ronan's efforts to resist him, wrapped his arms firmly around his friend, and held him tenderly but securely.
Several minutes later, Gil and Ashley walked cautiously through the front door. Ashley looked contrite.
"I'm so sorry, Little..." Gil paused for a moment. "Little Seal. Mom and Dad got home early from trick-or-treating with the mini-monster. Ashley and I thought we could join you guys and just chill for the rest of the evening. We didn't really think we would be interrupting anything. This was all my fault."
Liam looked hopefully at Ronan.
Ronan looked to Gil. "Do you think we could just go home?" he asked. "Please?"
Ashley started to speak but Gil laid a hand gently on her arm and shook his head. "I'll call you tomorrow," he offered. "Everything will be okay, but I think Ronan and I are ready to call it a night."
Liam shifted indecisively, trying to determine where his priorities lay. Finally, he nodded. "May I?" he asked Ronan, before leaning in to kiss him tenderly on the forehead. "I love you," he whispered into Ronan's ear.
Liam glared at Ashley as Gil and Ronan walked out the front door together.
The Kane brothers trudged through the streets of Covenant in silence. The town was mostly quiet, too. The trick-or-treaters were already home for the night and there didn't appear to be many mischief-makers out and about.
Gil watched Ronan carefully as they walked. He still wasn't entirely certain why Ronan had become so upset over Ashley's prank. But Ronan's stiff stride and rigid posture expressed his mood more clearly than any words he could have spoken.
It had been a silly prank. Gil and Ashley had finished greeting the trick-or-treaters at the Kane home a bit earlier than expected, when his parents returned home with his six-year-old brother. They both decided they wanted to spend the rest of the evening at the Grant home with their brothers. They still felt a little protective of their younger siblings after guiding them through some difficult times earlier in the year, as the boys struggled to understand their sexual identity and attraction to each other. They thought it would be a good idea to check in with their brothers and maybe make them feel like any other young teens spending time with their significant others and with friends.
It was Halloween and Ashley decided that it would be fun to play a face-in-the-window prank. Mere seconds later, Liam came shooting out of the front door, screaming at Ashley. And Ronan was clearly very unhappy about whatever had happened.
As they trudged through the night, Ronan's pace grew slower. His posture became less rigid. Finally, Gil noticed Ronan's shoulders slump and his chest heave in a deep sigh. He moved closer to Ronan and wrapped an arm around his brother's shoulders. After a moment of indecision, Ronan leaned into his embrace.
Gil waited another minute and they continued to walk together in silence.
"Are you okay now, Little ... Seal?" he asked. Something warned him that it might not be time yet to use the 'Little Stud' nickname.
Ronan nodded. He took a couple of deep breaths. "Why did she do that, Gil?" he asked.
"We weren't thinking, bro. It was Halloween. Ashley was a bit excited. She just decided it might be fun to freak you guys out by sticking her face against the window. It was really stupid." Gil was sure to make direct eye contact with his brother. "I'm really sorry we did that."
Gil was still puzzled. Ronan wasn't someone to completely lose it over a brief fright.
"What happened that upset you so much, Ronan? Horror movies don't scare you. What was so bad about seeing Ashley in a window?"
Ronan kept walking quietly, his head down. After several paces, he glanced at Gil out of the side of his eye. "I was kissing him, Gil," he said in a tone that suggested it should explain everything.
"Little Stud!" It slipped out of Gil's mouth without thought. He squeezed Ronan's shoulders tightly. "Way to go!" Then a look of confusion crossed his face. "I know it was a private thing, but why did seeing Ashley then upset you so much?"
Ronan struggled with his emotions for a moment, then blurted, "It was our first kiss!"
The pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place for Gil. "You finally got Liam to loosen up a bit and Ashley had to spoil it."
Ronan shook his head in frustration. "No, Gil! Liam wants us to do everything! It really bothers him that we haven't yet. But when I finally thought I was ready to kiss him..." he trailed off in defeat.
"Oh," Gil squeezed Ronan sympathetically as he tried to fit the remaining puzzle pieces together. They kept walking.
"Why do you think it's so hard for me, Gil?" Ronan broke the silence.
"I don't know, bro," Gil said. "Everyone needs to grow up at their own pace. You need to do what feels right for you now. Eventually, everything will work out in the end."
"But Liam says that we're in our sexual prime. He says that we should use it before we lose interest in sex."
"You won't lose interest in sex for a long time," Gil laughed. "Even old men are sex mad. You've heard stories about politicians and their sex scandals. A lot of those guys are ancient, but they still do stupid stuff because they want sex so bad!"
"Oh." Ronan thought for a minute. "Liam thinks you've already lost interest in sex because you aren't trying to do stuff with Ashley."
Gil was startled. "Liam told you that?! How does he know?"
Ronan shrugged. "I guess he heard Ashley say something to one of her friends. She wants you guys to do stuff and doesn't understand why you won't."
For a moment Gil appeared lost. "You know that I love Ashley, Ronan."
"Yeah," Ronan agreed. He decided that he probably shouldn't say any more.
"But it's complicated. She's the hottest girl in our class. In the whole school, really. Every guy wants to be with her." Gil shook his head in frustration. "I have to be... I can't really explain it... I guess I have to be worthy of her. I can't just be the guy she's with who is trying to get her into bed every chance he can."
Ronan nodded and leaned more firmly into Gil. He couldn't explain it, but it felt to him like a small change was taking place in their relationship. Instead of needing Gil to help him cope with his challenges, he was able to at least listen to some of Gil's frustrations.
"I need to be able to... provide for her," Gil said. "I need money. I need money to take her places she wants to go. I need money to buy her gifts. I need to be able to earn money so I can give her the things she deserves; so I can be a proper boyfriend to her."
Gil thought for a few moments. "What I really need is a car. If I had a car, I could take Ashley places she wants to go. And it would be easier for me to get a job. I could look outside of Covenant. Maybe Brattleboro. There are lots of stores there, fast food places and businesses like that want high school guys to work for them."
Ronan paid close attention to Gil as they walked. He wrapped an arm around Gil's waist and squeezed him. He thought it felt good to be able to offer his brother some comfort while Gil vented his frustrations. As they continued walking, he tried to think of something he could do to help Gil achieve his dream.
Their parents were sharing a bottle of wine in the living room when Gil and Ronan arrived home.
"You two are home a bit earlier than we expected," their mother said.
"I hope we aren't interrupting anything," Gil smirked. The walk in the crisp night air had helped to raise his spirits.
"Gilead Aaron Kane!" their father warned. "There wasn't anything to interrupt. But..." he pointed toward the stairs, "It does look like the two of you have had enough excitement for one evening. Your bedroom is in that direction." He jerked his head sharply for additional emphasis.
Gil snickered as he left the room. Even Ronan felt brave enough for a short giggle.
Washing up for bed together in the bathroom, Ronan had a thought.
"Gil, you really think that Ashley is the most beautiful girl in our school?"
Gil responded with a nod and, in Ronan's opinion, a slightly sappy expression.
"What if she thinks you're the best looking guy in the school?" When Gil looked thoughtful, he continued, "What if she is with you because she thinks you're the only guy she wants to be with?"
It felt good to watch Gil wrestle with that prospect.
"I know that she wants to do more stuff with you. Liam said so. And Liam says that he thinks you're really hot, too." Ronan gauged Gil's reaction to that bit of news. "He even said that he would love to watch you and me having sex," he couldn't resist adding.
Gil's eyes widened comically. "I like Liam," he snorted. "But I think that he may be a bit of a pervert."
Ronan giggled. "Yeah. But he really did mean it. He said I could do anything with you as long as he could watch." He continued to study Gil closely.
Gil sighed. "I think I need to have a talk with Liam."
Ronan looked alarmed.
"Don't worry, Little Stud. I won't say anything to embarrass you. But I need to tell Liam what I keep telling you. We all grow up at our own pace. Pushing you to do something that you don't feel ready to do is going to hurt you. And that would hurt him. If he really loves you, he needs to be patient and walk alongside you, so you can arrive at your destination together."
Ronan was conflicted. He was sure that Gil was right. He also thought that all he needed was some help getting to the next step on his path. But it felt really good knowing that Gil was so protective of him. That sensation wrapped him in a warm glow that gently washed away the frustration.
Ronan was still caught up in that feeling when they returned to their bedroom. Gil climbed into his bed while Ronan stood quietly, arriving at a decision.
"Can I sleep with you tonight, Gil?" he asked.
Gil pulled down the sheet and comforter on one side of his bed.
Ronan trembled slightly as he pulled off his t-shirt and shorts. When he reached for the waist of his underpants, Gil interrupted him.
"Uh, Little Stud? When did you start sleeping without your clothes?"
Ronan began to feel embarrassed. It had seemed like a good plan.
"I was talking with Liam tonight. I told him about that time last year. You know, when you and Dad saw me..." he trailed off, then took a deep breath. "Anyway, Liam says he thinks that may be why I don't want to do anything with him. That I got scared about being, like, naked and doing sex stuff where someone could see me." He looked at Gil pleadingly.
Gil's expression was a blend of confusion and caution.
"I was just thinking, Gil. If I got used to being naked with someone I really trusted, and maybe doing some sex stuff," Ronan blushed deeply. "I thought it might help me," he concluded weakly.
Gil's eyes filled with compassion. Ronan thought they also might have glanced down for just a second to take in what he was trying to put on display. But his reply was firm.
"I love you, Little Stud. I'd do anything for you if I was sure that it would be good for you. But I'm not going to do anything if I think it might hurt you. And I'm really not sure about this." He continued to hold the bed open for Ronan.
Ronan reached back to the waist of his underpants and Gil shook his head firmly. He twitched the raised sheet and comforter. Ronan withdrew his hands from his waist and climbed into the bed.
Gil considered Ronan for a moment, lying on the pillow next to him. Ronan thought he might have more to say. Instead he gently kissed Ronan on the forehead and wished him good night.
Ronan woke in the morning to find Gil snoring gently next to him. For a moment he wondered if their talk about Ashley the previous night had motivated Gil to relieve any pressure after he was certain that Ronan was sound asleep. The thought was arousing, but he concluded with disappointment that Gil wouldn't have done anything that might risk violating Ronan's innocence.
Ronan was frustrated that he couldn't seem to figure out how to show Gil that he wasn't that innocent; that he was ready to do something sexual. He just needed to do it with someone, and somewhere, that made him feel safe. He wasn't sure if the idea of doing something sexual with Gil made him any more excited than the idea of doing something with Liam, but he knew that it was far less terrifying.
Ronan and Liam had been friends for more than nine years, and best friends for almost that long. A little over a year ago they had become more than best friends, at least in Ronan's mind.
A few months after he became sexually aware and started having fantasies about doing sexual things, usually with other boys, he started to focus his interest almost exclusively on Liam. He knew that Liam was attractive- and perhaps even more so to him because of their close friendship- but was surprised to discover himself become curious, then obsessed, about Liam in a sexual way. That experience had come to a head when his father and brothers had walked in on him unburdening himself to a video of guys having sex, with a photograph of Liam next to his computer monitor.
Ronan supposed that Liam could be right about that experience setting back his interest in sexual activity. It had frightened him badly. Despite Gil's best efforts to support him emotionally, Ronan still harbored a terror of being interrupted in a moment of sexual intimacy and being judged by others over something so intensely important to his sense of self.
He had only shared a kiss with Liam the previous night. Even working up his courage to kiss Liam, and wondering what Liam might think about him for how he did that, had almost left him hyperventilating. But the sudden appearance of Ashley's face in the window as his lips met Liam's had set him trembling with fear over how she and the rest of the world might judge him.
Gil had been a wonderfully supportive brother in helping Ronan get over his unintentional exhibitionism the previous winter. He had made Ronan feel that his behavior and sexual attractions weren't monstrous, and might even be fairly normal. He had even helped ease Ronan and Liam into that final step of coming out to each other on Valentine's Day and acknowledging their interest in each other.
Ronan understood that probably should have been enough. He and Liam should have been able to figure things out from there. But he was still having a difficult time taking the steps that would really solidify his commitment to Liam. And despite Liam's continued loyalty to him, Ronan was afraid that at some point Liam would grow tired of waiting for the things that he wanted and that he would find someone else.
Ronan was sure that, with Gil guiding him, he could get past his fear of physical intimacy. He just needed to find a way to convince Gil that he wouldn't be harming his younger brother.
Ronan glanced back over his shoulder and regarded his sleeping brother. Even in sleep, with a small trickle of drool escaping from a corner of his mouth, he thought Gil really did look handsome. A year or so closer in age, different parents.... Ronan let himself speculate.
For a moment, Ronan considered pulling off his underwear and dozing there in the bed, waiting to see if something might develop when Gil woke up. He was sure that even if nothing sexual happened, Gil wouldn't say anything. But Ronan understood that Gil would be disappointed in him for the violation of trust. As much as his id was driving him to taste his first sexual experience, and his ego was guiding him to make sure it happened in a safe environment, he knew that his disapproval of himself if he disappointed Gil was an even more compelling force. Nothing was worth the risk of disappointing Gil.
With a sigh, Ronan eased himself back toward Gil's body until he was comfortable. Then he closed his eyes.
Ronan was awakened by a feeling of pressure against his back. He smiled lazily when he sensed Gil placing a quick kiss on the back of his head as he rolled out of bed.
Ronan stayed in the bed, enjoying the warmth under the comforter, and listened to the sounds of the house waking up around him. He heard quiet conversations in the hall as his parents and Gil started their day, then experienced a twinge of nostalgia as the calm was interrupted by the more rambunctious activity of Mark, probably still coming down from a Halloween sugar high. It had been only a few short years ago that he would have been bouncing off the walls himself.
Those moments of uninhibited excitement and wild exuberance when he was six, had been so much less complicated than the intense emotions of being a young teen and navigating the landscape of growing up and striving toward independence, he reflected. He wondered how much harder it might become when he was Gil's age.
The bedroom door opened several minutes later as Gil returned with a towel wrapped around his waist and water still dripping from his hair. Ronan watched from the bed as his brother finished toweling dry and pulled clothing out of his dresser. Ronan liked the way Gil looked, but he also admired the casual competence with which Gil went about his morning routine. He knew better from the confidences they shared with each other, but Gil always appeared unflustered and in complete control of his life. It was one more thing that Ronan wished Gil could teach him.
"Are you getting up?" Gil asked when he noticed Ronan watching him.
Ronan yawned broadly, stretched, and threw the comforter back, but he continued to lie in bed.
"Did you sleep well?" Gil asked.
Ronan smiled faintly and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Gil. I haven't felt this good in a long time."
"So everything's cool this morning?" Gil appeared cautiously concerned.
"I think so. I just lost it a bit last night." Ronan's face clouded. "But I thought about it after we got home. I guess I overreacted."
Gil continued to examine his brother with some concern for a few more moments. His eyes traced the length of Ronan's body before he looked quickly away. He resumed dressing, then paused.
"Uh, Little Stud?" Gil took another moment to consider his next comment. "You're, uh, hanging out."
It took Ronan several seconds to decipher Gil's observation, then he giggled awkwardly and reached down to make the necessary adjustment. His hand froze.
"You know," he said, "this is exactly what I'm trying to change about myself. I guess there's nothing wrong if somebody sees me like this. At least not if it's just you."
"Maybe," Gil conceded. "But if Marky comes busting through the door and Mom happens to be standing in the hallway..." He let the thought trail off.
Ronan blushed and reached back down again. "Uh, Gil?" He waited for Gil to look at him. "It's okay, isn't it?"
Gil nodded. "Yeah. It's fine, Little Stud. You've got nothing to worry about."
Ronan's anxious expression relaxed and he tucked himself away.
When Ronan returned from the bathroom, he found Gil still in their bedroom, waiting for him. He steeled himself to act completely casual, just like Gil had been while drying off and getting dressed. He wasn't sure, but he thought that he might actually feel more excited than anxious about what would happen in the next few minutes.
Ronan thought that maybe Gil was doing this to help him, sort of as a test. Instead, Gil had a few questions to ask.
"I'm sorry to make sure a big deal out of this, Little Stud, but when you said that Liam told you Ashley was talking to her friend about me, about wanting us to do more... stuff."
Ronan nodded expectantly.
Gil framed his next question hesitantly. "Did Liam say that she sounded upset?"
Ronan thought for a minute. "I'm not sure, Gil. He didn't say she was upset. But it sounded maybe like she was worried that you weren't doing more. Like, worried that you didn't want to do more." He shook his head but nothing more came out. "I think that's all he said."
Ronan felt a hurt of his own as Gil appeared to withdraw into himself.
"I'm sorry, Gil. I'll talk to Liam and try to find out more about what she said."
Gil shook his head. "Thanks, bro, but I think that's really all I need to know. I have to do something soon, before I lose her."
He stood up and paced around the room for a few minutes. "I've got to find a way to get a job. And I probably have to figure out how I can afford a car before I can get a job." Gil shook with frustration as he attempted to work out a solution in his head.
"What does a car cost?" Ronan wondered.
"It depends on what I need," Gil said. "I can probably afford a piece of crap now. But gas, insurance, and especially repairs to keep it running would use up a lot of what I could earn. I certainly can't afford a new car. Not even if I sell a kidney," he added with a frustrated snort.
"Uh, Gil?" Ronan was pretty sure it wasn't his business. But he thought that the more he knew about the problem, the more he might be able to help. "How much money do you have now?"
"I saved about eighteen hundred dollars," Gil said. "It really isn't enough. I think it would take at least six thousand dollars, maybe closer to eight, for a decent used car." He shook his head sadly. "I should have been planning better. I failed Ashley."
Ronan wasn't sure, but he thought Gil might be close to tears. It felt strange wrapping his arms around Gil's shoulders to offer reassurance.
"I promise, Gil. It will work out. Whatever happens, we'll find a way to make this work!"
Gil raised his head, surprised, and Ronan noticed that his eyes did look damp.
"What can you do, Ronan? This is a huge problem."
"I don't know, Gil," Ronan tried to reassure him. "But I'll figure something out. Even if Liam and I have to do sex shows for old perverts, I'll do it for you."
For a moment Gil was alarmed, concerned that Ronan might be serious. Then he chuckled. "Liam probably would," he agreed. "But I won't let anything like that happen to you, Little Stud. You're too important to me."
The brothers held each other briefly, until their emotions had settled.
"I know you'll help me, Ronan. But please don't do anything rash. You're much more important to me than... even more important than Ashley," he added, a tone of wonder entering his voice.
Gil hugged Ronan again. "I know it will work out, bro. Thank you. I have to call Ashley now. She's probably still trying to figure out what went wrong last night. I hope that at least Liam is talking to her."
As Gil left the room, Ronan was surprised to find himself fully dressed. He realized that he hadn't even thought about what he was doing while he and Gil were talking. He wasn't certain, but it felt like maybe he had made some progress.
Now he needed to figure out how he could help Gil make progress with his problem.
Ashley Grant turned off her cell phone. She found herself feeling more confused and uncertain than she was accustomed to feeling after a conversation with her boyfriend. It was a bit unsettling.
Gil had acted strangely on the phone, sounding more needy than she had ever noticed in him before. He reminded her several times of how much he loved her and seemed to need her reassurance that she felt the same way about him. She had only wanted him to call to explain what had upset Ronan so much the previous evening, and why Liam was still glaring at her and responding to her conversational sallies with monosyllables. Instead the call had turned into a therapy session.
But at least she had learned why Ronan and Liam were so upset by her little prank in the picture window. She thought it was kind of cute that her baby brother and his little friend were starting to dip their toes into the wide ocean of romance and passion, and that Liam was so defensive of Ronan's feelings. But she was also frustrated that she had interfered with the process and obstructed it. She was used to solving problems for other people, not creating them.
Still, she reassured herself, now that she knew what had happened, she would find a way to repair the damage and help Liam and Ronan move on to where they wanted to go. It would just require a little thought.
Liam Grant was relieved to find Ronan in a much better frame of mind when they met outside the freshman wing of Brattleboro Union High School Monday morning. He had been disappointed when Ronan hadn't been in touch with him all weekend and was starting to fear the worst about Ronan's reaction to their Halloween misadventure. He had been so anxious that he had even avoided riding the school bus and had his father drop him off at school on his way to work.
But Ronan had greeted him with a shy smile when he noticed Liam waiting for him outside the school. A quick exchange of banter left Liam feeling like maybe nothing had happened on Halloween.
"Why didn't you call this weekend?" Liam complained after the small talk had died down. "I was hoping that we could hang out together, at least for a few hours."
Ronan hung his head. "I needed to work out some things on Saturday. Gil and I talked a lot. I was feeling a lot better by Sunday and was planning to call you. But at Mass, every time Father Martin looked at me I was sure he had heard about Friday night. The idea that he knew I was swearing like that, or that he thought I might be hanging out with you without any pants..." he glared when Liam started sniggering, "Well, it was funny, but it was weird, too. I just needed more time to myself to put those thoughts out of my head!"
Liam struggled to get himself back under control. "So you're feeling okay now?"
Ronan nodded. "I'm pretty sure I am. For most of the weekend I didn't even think about some of those things that bother me. I think," his brow furrowed with the intensity of his feelings, "I hope I'm putting some of that behind me."
"Does that mean...?" Liam's eyebrows shot up and down rapidly.
"Maybe, Liam. I want to. I really am working on it," Ronan assured him.
Ashley had also been waiting at the bus stop. She was feeling both excited and pleased with herself.
"I might just have it!" she sang as soon as Gil stepped off the bus.
For a moment he panicked. Then he realized that he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
"You might have what?" he tried tentatively.
"The answer, Gil!" she was surprised that he was so obtuse. "The answer to Liam and Ronan's, um," she glanced around to see if Liam or Ronan was in earshot and lowered her voice, "relationship problem."
Gil thought it was a little early in the day for such a high level of enthusiasm and drama. But after nine months together, he was getting used to Ashley.
"That's good," he attempted to sound supportive. "So what's the answer?"
"Well," Ashley wrapped her arm around Gil's and drew him closer. "I think I told you that my parents have been talking about taking the family to Aspen for winter break this year."
It may have rung a bell, so Gil nodded.
"I was thinking that maybe Ronan could come with us!" she beamed. "He and Liam both love to ski. And just think! Nine days with just the two of them, doing everything, sharing a room! That's got to bring them closer together!" She waited expectantly.
Gil considered the idea. That sort of adventure, with nothing to focus on but each other and having fun, probably would help Ronan and Liam break down barriers, as long as it didn't get so intense that it caused Ronan to freak out. The practical side of it was a little harder for him to figure out in his imagination.
"What about the expense, Ash?" Gil frowned. "That has to cost a lot of money."
"Oh, money!" Ashley dismissed the concern. "My parents will rent a lodge for our family, so it won't cost anything extra to have Ronan along. And they won't mind paying for his food. I already talked to them about the idea," she added, obviously pleased with herself. "They said that it would be good to have someone along to keep Liam company. It will give them more time for each other." She rolled her eyes.
"But what about airfare?" Gil wondered. "And the cost of lift tickets? That's still got to cost... well, a lot more than a thousand dollars!" He was pretty sure it could be much more than that.
Ashley looked downcast. But she brightened quickly. "What about your parents?"
Gil frowned. His father's law practice was doing well, but it was still experiencing growing pains in their little town.
"Christmas!" Ashley had another idea. "Maybe they could pay for his trip as a Christmas present! And doesn't he turn fourteen just a week or so before Christmas? His trip could be a birthday and Christmas present!"
Gil was still skeptical. "I think my parents usually only spend a few hundred dollars on each of us for Christmas and for our birthdays. I don't think that will be enough money to pay for everything Ronan would need."
Ashley was determined. She was certain it was a good plan. "I can contribute some money to help! Maybe fifty or a hundred dollars. You can help, too!"
Gil considered the consequences... and the hundreds more dollars he was sure this little adventure would cost. In his mind, he could already see the tail lights of his car receding into the distance. But Ronan was his brother. And he could see the merit in Ashley's plan. He nodded reluctantly.
"You talk to your parents. Tonight!" she insisted. "Then have them call my parents." Ashley was bubbling with excitement. She leaned in to kiss Gil on the cheek, then looked around to make sure there weren't any school staff lurking nearby to hose them down and pull them apart. "This is going to be so great! We've done it again!"
Gil absently hugged Ashley back. He was happy for his brother. But now he had more concerns about his own future.
By Thanksgiving vacation, Ashley's plan had started to take firm shape. The Kanes and the Grants had discussed the trip and were in agreement. The Kanes figured that cutting expenses a bit in other areas would allow them to go over budget on Ronan's birthday and Christmas. It was just a matter of finding out whether Ronan would consider it something important enough to take the place of any other birthday and Christmas gifts.
Ronan was a bit surprised when his parents invited him into his father's office one Friday evening to meet with them. He couldn't recall anything he had done recently that might call for a parental meeting.
It was still a shock when his parents told him that it was good news. They outlined the Grant's plans to spend winter break in Aspen and their offer to bring Ronan along with them.
The idea of sacrificing all other birthday and Christmas gifts didn't concern him in the least. He hadn't anything important on his wish list. Spending nine days in February skiing Aspen with Liam was more than he could ever have expected. That much uninterrupted time with Liam was an exciting prospect, especially with his newfound resolve to overcome his resistance to more intimacy in their relationship.
The idea of nine days at one of the biggest ski resorts in the country was almost as exciting. The Kanes weren't poor, but vacations on that scale had never been in the family budget. And that realization started Ronan thinking.
He asked his parents about the cost of the proposed gift. He understood that it was a breach of etiquette to ask about something like that, but it still troubled him that they were so evasive in responding to his questions. Feeling that there might be more involved than just a good time in the Colorado Rockies for him, he asked if he could take some time to consider the idea.
As was always the case whenever Ronan needed advice about something important, he turned to Gil. And for a rare occasion, Gil wasn't able to offer Ronan much insight into his problem.
He encouraged Ronan to go with the Grants and to have a good time. But he really didn't seem to have any answers to Ronan's questions about how expensive the entire vacation might be for his family. And there was something to Gil's demeanor- not exactly disappointment, but a reticence- that Ronan wasn't used to sensing around Gil.
Ronan wondered if Gil might be feeling at least a bit sad, comparing Ronan's good fortune to his own struggles to provide what he wanted to give to Ashley. That bothered Ronan. The idea that he should be given such abundance while Gil- who he was certain was more deserving- was wanting, that really troubled him.
Ronan wasn't quite fourteen years old yet. But he was a child of the internet. And he was brighter than most boys his age. He did some research. He was certain that there were things he must be overlooking, simply because he had never before planned activities on such a scale, but he was still appalled at the cost of the vacation that he was being offered. Plane tickets, a hotel room in Aspen for eight nights (even if he was sharing it with Liam), meals, lift tickets, equipment rental! Liam estimated that his vacation would cost his family at least three thousand dollars! He was certain that his parents had never before spent that kind of money on birthdays and Christmas for all three of their sons in any single year!
Ronan was conflicted. He was confused. But he was sure of one thing: he would have to do a lot of thinking about the amount of money that his parents were preparing to spend on him.
By the time he arrived at school Monday morning, Ronan still hadn't answered many of the questions that were gnawing at him. He was trembling with excitement about the idea of flying across the country and being at a huge ski resort for more than a week. His heart thrilled to think about spending so much time with Liam. But his head was beset with uncertainty. He suspected that his good fortune would be balanced by someone's misfortune elsewhere in the universe. And considering the amount of money involved, he worried that cost would be borne by his family.
Ronan and Liam got off the bus together. Once they found a private place to talk, Ronan started to share his news. Liam, he discovered, was already aware of plans and was bouncing with excitement to discuss the trip as soon as he understood that Ronan's gift was no longer a secret to be guarded.
Ronan was hoping to discuss his discomfort with the possible consequences of accepting such an expensive gift. But Liam's unabashed enthusiasm for the plan made it difficult to raise any concerns, so he kept them to himself and shared in Liam's excitement.
On their bus ride to school, Ashley had found Gil less attentive than usual. He joined in her conversation about the weekend, the week ahead, the upcoming Thanksgiving vacation, and even plans for Christmas. But he was distracted and it took more effort on her part to engage him in their shared interests.
Ashley was frustrated to find that, with everything once again going her way, there was a new and vaguely unsetting disturbance in her universe.
Inside the Kane home, Gil and Ronan continued to live equably in each other's space. They remained comfortable with the physical closeness of their living arrangement. Gil was as supportive of his brother as ever, but Ronan was starting to sense that their emotional connection was falling slightly out of sync.
Ronan always thought that he could share anything with Gil, ask anything of his brother, and Gil would be there for him. But now there were ill-defined yet discernible boundaries for some topics of conversation. Gil shared Ronan's excitement about the ski vacation with the Grants, but refused to discuss the subject when Ronan tried to raise concerns. Gil just encouraged Ronan to have a good time in Aspen.
Gil was also a bit reticent on the subject of Ashley whenever Ronan attempted to talk about their relationship. And when it occurred to Ronan to ask about Gil's plans to get the car he wanted, and how he might help, Gil just looked sad and perhaps a bit frustrated. He wasn't eager to talk about those subjects.
Ronan was bothered that Gil wouldn't rely on him for help. He knew that he owed much to his brother. He wished that Gil would share and let Ronan help carry his burdens.
Gil never stopped helping Ronan when he needed it. Twice Ronan asked to share Gil's bed, wanting the closeness of his older brother to center and settle his own emotions. Gil opened the bed and made room for Ronan each time. He held Ronan close to him until his brother eased into a comfortable sleep.
But even as Gil held him close and helped him relax, Ronan sensed that something wasn't quite right with Gil. All the physical sensations were the same, but he intuited a tension in his brother. Gil was troubled. And it troubled Ronan that he couldn't seem to find a way to help him.
Thanksgiving dinner was a quiet family affair for the Kanes. It was their custom to travel to Pittsfield, Massachusetts to celebrate the holiday with his or her family. But Frank and Ruth Kane had decided that a quiet Thanksgiving in Covenant made the most sense, allowing Frank to put in more work hours to sustain his practice. They would connect with family in Massachusetts in the week between Christmas and the New Year.
The Grants were travelling for the holiday, flying to Virginia to spend time with Julia Grant's family, so both Ronan and Gil were left somewhat at loose ends. They played video games together, watched some television, and spent time outdoors with Mark. But Ronan often found Gil distracted and difficult to engage in conversation. Sometimes Gil would sit staring out their bedroom window for long minutes, looking at nothing but darkness, with a melancholy expression on his face.
Ronan distracted Gil and tried to take his mind off whatever was troubling him. He knew that he wasn't a natural entertainer. Nonetheless, he did his best and Gil responded gamely to his efforts. But when Ronan once tried to discuss Gil's quest for a car, and what he could do to help, Gil almost snapped at him. He apologized immediately after he recognized his error and tried harder to engage with Ronan and to be more positive.
The exchange startled Ronan. And it got him thinking. The more he thought, the more he found pieces starting to fit together and make a semblance of sense. Gil's interest in a car was more than a want, it was becoming a consuming need. Ronan didn't understand why, but he realized that it was going to take more than his feeble support to make Gil's dream a reality.
Ronan waited until the Saturday after Thanksgiving, while Gil was keeping Mark entertained somewhere in the great outdoors, to approach his father.
Frank Kane was working in his office, getting caught up on some contract work he was doing for a local businessman. He glanced up when Ronan knocked on the doorframe.
"Did you need to use my paper shredder?" he inquired with a wry grin.
Ronan blushed deeply and shook his head, too embarrassed to speak.
"I'm sorry, Little Seal," Frank did his best to appear contrite despite the broadening grin on his face. "You know.... well, you know that's all water under the bridge, I hope."
"Then why did you say it?" Ronan complained.
Frank adopted a serious expression. "I shouldn't have. Sometimes I forget how sensitive guys can be at your age. Your mom and I like to tease you guys- we're just modeling useful social skills, you know," he justified his behavior, "but I guess some subjects still touch a little too close to home."
Ronan wanted nothing more than to end the encounter and leave. Reliving embarrassing moments from his recent past wasn't how he had seen this conversation going. But he understood that there were more important things at stake than his tender feelings and bruised pride. He filled his lungs with air while he tried to organize his thoughts again.
It wasn't his most coherent presentation, Ronan critiqued himself later. When he introduced the topic of a car for Gil, his father seemed surprised. Sure, it was something that Gil had discussed with his parents. But Frank didn't realize that it was starting to become a pressing concern for his eldest son. In fact, Frank suspected that perhaps Ronan had misread the situation.
Frank didn't have any answers. Without saying as much to Ronan, he alluded to family financial constraints and the steep price of a decent used car. He was a bit surprised when Ronan revealed to him that Gil already had a pretty good sense of exactly what that price would be.
When Ronan presented Gil's case, Frank felt the need to introduce more financial reality into the conversation. Without going into too much detail, he laid out for Ronan the rough outline of family financial resources and obligations. He explained the difference between income, liquid assets, long-term assets, and liabilities. And when he was done, Ronan was starting to wonder how his family could even afford to pay for his birthday and Christmas present.
When Ronan pressed him on the matter, Frank reluctantly revealed that Ronan's parents were prepared to spend a thousand dollars on his present. With help from a few other parties, he was certain that it would be enough for Ronan to enjoy his time in Aspen.
Ronan was thoroughly engaged in pleading his case. When he heard other parties mentioned, he was curious about their identities and contributions. Frank wouldn't reveal much. But by the time his interrogation had concluded, Ronan had a pretty clear sense that his own brother would be giving up part of his car savings for Ronan's vacation.
Ronan really didn't know how to feel about that. He was used to the idea that Gil would make sacrifices for him. But this was such a huge sacrifice that it offended Ronan's sense of right and wrong. He couldn't accept that his fortune would be fueled by more disappointment for Gil.
Ronan realized that he needed more time to think about the problem. He was determined to do something about it. In the end, he pleaded with his father to try to think of ways to find money to help Gil. And he informed his father that he wanted to meet with him again in a week to discuss progress toward a solution.
Frank watched his middle son depart his office feeling both exasperation and a increased sense of respect for him.
At school the following week, Ronan tried to engage Liam with his concerns about the expense of a week in Aspen. He thought that Liam might be able to offer a different perspective on his concerns, and might even have some ideas about the dilemma of finding a car for Gil. More important, as he considered the problem, he was becoming concerned that in the end he was going to disappoint Liam. That convinced him that he needed to make Liam aware of that possibility now, as well as the reason that he might need to throw a wrench in their plans for an amazing vacation in the Rockies.
Their first conversation didn't go well, nor the second or the third. Liam didn't know any more than Ronan about the cost of ski vacations, the cost of used cars, or how to pay for them. He did know that he had been excited to the point of bursting for more than a week since his parents had mentioned the possibility of bringing Ronan with them to Aspen.
It didn't help Liam's perspective on the concerns Ronan raised that he had a sneaking suspicion Ronan might be making an issue of them because he was starting to chicken out on the idea of spending a week sharing a room with Liam. He understood Ronan's inhibitions about introducing physical- maybe even sexual!- intimacy into their relationship. He had been struggling to overcome those inhibitions for months! In his mind, it made sense that this was the real issue.
By the end of the week, Liam was almost weeping with frustration. But he was also starting to understand that Ronan was completely sincere in his belief that his vacation would cost something that was very important to Gil. Liam was even starting to understand that might really be the case. And he was almost persuaded by Ronan's vehement assertion that if anyone in his family was truly deserving of generosity, it was Gil.
Liam was deeply conflicted. He was painfully disappointed to realize now that it was possible he and Ronan might not be sharing a room, maybe even a bed, for more than a week. He suspected that he should be more supportive of his boyfriend over something that meant so much to Ronan. But he was also starting to wonder why his boyfriend wasn't more supportive when he knew how much this vacation meant to Liam!
On the weekend, at Ronan's insistence, he and his father met again. The intervening seven days hadn't produced any revelations for Ronan. He didn't know much about cars, but from what he had discovered on line it appeared that Gil's estimate of six to eight thousand dollars for a decent used car might even be a bit on the low side.
Ronan had checked his estimates for vacation expenses and done the math over and over again. He knew that his parents were committing a lot of money to send him on vacation, but he also knew that the amount of money involved wasn't enough to help Gil buy a decent used car.
He was pleased to find his father more receptive to his concerns about Gil. Frank had casually brought up the car issue with Gil during the week and was starting to understand that it was very important to his eldest son.
When Ronan began to throw around possible ways to find more money, Frank suggested it would be a good idea to consult with the Kane family business adviser. Ruth joined them in Frank's office five minutes later.
Ronan briefly described the problem for his mother, while his father watched impassively as his son performed. He explained why having a car was important to Gil; about Gil's need to have reliable transportation back and forth to Brattleboro so he could find a job and earn money, and about Gil's desire to be able to take Ashley out of town for dates. Frank and Ruth shared a concerned glance when Ronan brought up that subject.
Ronan only vaguely understood some of the issues of growing up that confronted Gil, but he made an impassioned plea with his descriptions of how much it hurt Gil to be limited by lack of transportation. He didn't want to betray a confidence, but he dropped a solid hint or two about the need for boys to be able to provide for their girlfriends if they wanted to keep them.
Then Ronan dug into the heart of the matter. He explained that, from his research, it looked like Gil would need close to eight thousand dollars to buy a reliable, clean and safe car. He understood his parents concerns well enough to emphasize the importance of a car with a good safety record.
Ronan told his parents that he thought that Gil had about eighteen hundred dollars saved to purchase a car. He asked if they could give Gil the money they were planning to spend on his own birthday and Christmas present. He noted that he had one thousand, two hundred sixty-four dollars and forty-one cents in his own savings account and insisted that he wanted them to spend that money for his brother. And he told them that he'd like them to take all the money they had in his college fund and use it for Gil's car. By that point in the presentation he was becoming rather emotional.
Frank and Ruth told Ronan that they weren't going to tap his college fund, even for something as important as this. Ronan countered by promising to start working immediately, shoveling snow in the winter and cutting lawns in the summer, and using that income to replace anything that came out of his college fund. Ronan was on a mission and he wasn't going to be denied.
Frank and Ruth exchanged a helpless glance. They were starting to get caught up in Ronan's sense of conviction.
"Honey," Ruth informed Ronan, "we can't take everything out of your college fund. That just wouldn't be prudent. But let's talk about what we can do; maybe a few thousand dollars to help get Gil to his goal."
Frank and Ruth debated other possibilities, as Ronan's co-conspirators. They noted that they were planning to spend a few hundred dollars on Christmas presents for Gil, and that could be diverted to this goal, possibly even a few hundred dollars more. They also observed that the boys' grandparents, aunts and uncles would be spending some money on Christmas presents. They suggested that Ronan speak with them, explain the situation, and ask if they would be willing to help out.
"You should call both sets of grandparents first. They'll help to organize things with the rest of the family," Frank suggested. "Then you should talk to your Uncle Pat and your Uncle Moishe. They're the oldest in each family, so they'll also encourage the other aunts and uncles to help out if they can."
Frank and Ruth exchanged glances and an unspoken agreement. Ronan should take the lead on this project, but they would follow his calls to family with their own, explaining in greater detail why this was so important to Gil and to Ronan.
Before Frank adjourned the meeting, he admonished Ronan. "The Grants are going to a lot of trouble to include you in their winter vacation. If you decide that you really don't want to go, you need to tell them soon and explain why you're declining their generosity."
Ronan was caught off guard by that directive. He wasn't quite sure how to thank the Grants for their generosity and explain his reasons for turning it down. Worse, he would be committed and then would have to explain his decision to Liam. But after a brief hesitation, his face set in determination and he agreed.
"Can you help keep Gil distracted while I talk to the grandparents, please?" Ronan asked.
His mother nodded. She smiled, brought Ronan into an embrace, and told him how proud she was of him. But the glance she shared with Frank said, 'It's so hard when they start to grow up'.
Ronan completed his telephone calls that evening with his grandparents Kane and Cohen, then his Uncle Moishe and his Uncle Pat. He explained the situation and asked if they would be willing to contribute to help Gil purchase a car, in lieu of any other Christmas present. He also explained that if they were planning any birthday or Christmas gifts for him, he really hoped they would take all that money and give it to Gil.
Ronan was surprised and pleased at how willing everyone was to help him, although his Uncle Pat did ask if he was sure it was really a good idea to let Freeway Frank's sixteen-year-old son have a car.
Ruth and Frank were pleased to hear that Ronan had handled his calls so effectively. They silently reminded each other that they would follow up the calls with their respective families to make sure there was no miscommunication. Without really talking the situation through together, both were completely caught up in Ronan's mission.
Ronan debated how he would tell Liam about the decision he had made. He was dreading Liam's reaction. He hoped that Liam could understand that he had been looking forward to the vacation, too. But some things were even more important... than keeping his boyfriend happy? Oh god! Ronan realized that trying to explain his decision to Liam was probably going to be a disaster! For several moments he found himself wishing that he had waited to speak with his uncles and grandparents, and that he wasn't already committed to his decision.
When Liam boarded the school bus Monday morning, he found Ronan looking glum and seated alone in the back of the bus. Ronan made room when Liam joined him, but he didn't seem eager for conversation.
Liam was surprised when Ronan leaned against his shoulder and maintained the contact. It was far more than Ronan had ever done in public to show his feelings for Liam. Liam was torn between enjoying the physical closeness, and a concern that the unusual behavior might mean that something was seriously wrong with Ronan. Despite Liam's increasingly intense questioning, Ronan didn't explain much during the thirty minute ride to school.
At school, Ronan silently led Liam into the freshman wing, searching until he found a deserted classroom. He pulled Liam inside the door, pushed him against a wall, and planted a kiss firmly on his lips.
Liam was dazed, confused, and aroused. His thoughts had been building slowly into a panic during their ride to school. Now Ronan had forcefully taken control of him and was ravishing his mouth! The sensations were overwhelming him. He prayed that he wasn't already wet.
Ronan broke off the kiss. "I love you, Liam!" Surprisingly, it wasn't as hard to kiss Liam and profess his love as he assumed it would be when he was planning the moment. It also wasn't as stimulating as he hoped his first real kiss would be. It almost felt a little dirty to him. He was feeling more guilt for manipulating Liam than the passion of the moment.
Ronan had hoped that taking that first step on the path of giving himself to Liam would please Liam so much that the news Ronan had to share wouldn't be very upsetting. But in the moment, the whole situation felt wrong. Ronan lost his nerve.
"Uh," he temporized, "Are your mom and dad going to be home tonight?"
Liam was thoroughly confused. But he also wanted to get past the question and get back to what they had been doing.
"Monday night? Yeah," Liam said. "Dad never has anything after work on Mondays."
"I need to speak with your parents. About Aspen." Ronan didn't explain further.
Liam started to panic again. What was wrong about Aspen? Then he was overcome with elation. Ronan had just kissed him and told him that he loved him. Maybe he wanted to thank his parents for the invitation! Liam just hoped that Ronan wouldn't go much farther than a polite 'thank you'. He really wasn't sure about the mood that Ronan was in.
"Hey!" Liam brightened. "Why don't you have dinner with us tonight. Then you can talk to my parents and me after we eat?"
Ronan agreed. He wasn't eager. But better to get it over with sooner rather than later, even if Liam would hear the news at the same time as his parents. He wanted to explain his decision to Liam privately first, but he just didn't feel in control of the present situation. He hoped that he would be in better control later in the evening.
Ronan could see that Liam was confused and struggling to sort out some mixed emotions, but Liam pulled out his cell phone and asked his mother for permission to bring Ronan home for dinner. Then he lent the phone to Ronan so he could get permission from his mother.
The calls completed, the two boys just looked at each other and could find little more to say. Ronan was feeling far less confident than he had been when speaking with his family, but committed to explaining to everyone what he would do and why. Liam was trying to figure out precisely what was to be discussed later that day and the uncertainty was starting to nibble at his mind.
As the school day progressed, Liam continued to have second thoughts about what little he had learned and about Ronan's behavior that morning. Ronan didn't help matters, finding it much harder to share conversation and banter as he and Liam usually did during an ordinary school day.
By the time they boarded the school bus for the ride home, Liam was becoming very concerned again that Ronan might be seriously ill! He anguished over the brief time the two had to begin and enjoy their relationship, only to see it cruelly torn away from him. Then he became hopeful, fantasizing that he could donate an organ and save Ronan's life, cementing their happiness forever. Eventually he remembered that matching people for organ donations was complicated and most people weren't suitable matches for most other people. By the time the bus dropped the two boys off at the end of the street where the Grants lived, Liam was a total mess!
Ronan and Liam struggled to make conversation while they waited for dinner time to arrive. They decided to do their homework and worked silently together in Liam's room. Running around outdoors, video games, even a board game... none of their usual activities appealed much to Ronan. He suggested that they could each read ahead for their classes while they waited for Liam's mother to call them to eat.
Conversation over dinner flowed more smoothly. Sam Grant was the president of a Brattleboro savings and loan, so he was skilled at making conversation in almost any situation. But Sam found that he and his wife were carrying far more of the conversational burden than everyone else gathered around the table.
Liam and Ronan ate quietly, Liam stealing occasional covert glances at Ronan, and Ronan doing his best to look attentive and involved in the social interaction, while keeping his mouth too full to talk. Ashley watched the boys curiously from her side of the elegant mahogany table.
After dinner, Ronan leapt up to help clear the table and rinse the dishes. Sam eyed Julia Grant quizzically. Ronan was always a polite and well-mannered guest when visiting their home, but he wasn't usually this enthusiastic. Julia smiled enigmatically and shrugged. She had a feeling that something important was bothering Ronan, but she was still trying to understand what it might be.
"I hope nobody's pregnant," Sam whispered to Julia. He was a banker, but he had a sense of humor.
Julia silenced him with a sharp glance.
Ronan waited until after Ashley left for her room to spend some time with her homework. He delayed a few minutes longer, hoping that Liam might be distracted by some need of his own, before asking to speak with Sam and Julia. Sam invited Ronan to join them in the living room. Liam trailed silently behind, a look of trepidation haunting his face.
Ronan hadn't found it easy to speak with his parents about his dilemma. He was finding it even harder to know where to begin with Sam and Julia. He started by thanking them for inviting him to join them on their family ski vacation. Sam and Julia responded graciously and waiting expectantly. They understood that Ronan had more to say.
Liam squirmed anxiously in his seat. He hoped that all Ronan needed was a kidney or lung. Further consideration had reminded him that he really wouldn't be able to give Ronan an organ, even if he was a compatible donor, unless he had two of them.
Ronan screwed up his courage. He thanked Julia for a wonderful meal, while he silently prayed that he wasn't about to bring it back up right in front of them. He couldn't organize his thoughts sufficiently for a well-ordered presentation, so he ended up just blurting it all out.
He thanked them profusely for inviting him to spend winter vacation with them, forgetting that he had already covered this ground. Then he cut to the heart of the matter, explaining that he wouldn't be able to accept their generous offer.
Liam was stricken. 'Kidney or lung!' he prayed silently to himself. He was completely unaware that he was wringing his hands together so hard that he risked raising blisters. His altruistic considerations fled when Ronan continued his explanation.
Ronan wasn't sure that discussing Kane family financial matters was a good idea, but he thought that he owed the Grant's more than a polite 'thanks but no thanks'. He explained that he had started to realize how much the trip would cost his family, even if it was a birthday and Christmas present. Then he told them about Gil's need for a car, adding that his brother wanted his own transportation to find a job so he could be a proper boyfriend to Ashley.
Sam and Julia exchanged amused smiles. Liam's head dropped, almost to his knees. He thought he might be hyperventilating.
Ronan was having a hard time reading the room, so he plowed on with his presentation. He told the Grants about how he had asked his parents to use his birthday and Christmas present to help Gil, mentioning that other family members had also agreed to help. He was still trying to wrap his head around how much money was involved, and how many people were involved, but he was feeling optimistic about achieving his goal. Unfortunately, there was no way it could be done without the money it would take for him to travel to Aspen. He concluded by thanking the Grants profusely for a third time, then glanced uncertainly around the room.
The first thing that Ronan noticed was that Liam was distraught. He felt awfully guilty for disappointing his boyfriend so badly. Sam and Julia were conversing quietly together on the sofa.
Ronan looked from one Grant, to the next, to the next, hoping that someone might offer him a clue about what he should do next. He wanted to wrap his arms around Liam, but his parents were right there in the room. And from Liam's body language, Ronan wasn't sure how such a gesture would be received.
Sam Grant took control of the situation. He thanked Ronan for his explanation and complimented him for making such a selfless and mature decision. Liam snorted.
Sam cast a disapproving eye on his son before continuing. "Julia and I think very highly of you, Ronan... and of Gil. We can't think of anyone who could be better friends for Liam and Ashley. We understand how much helping Gil means to you, and the sacrifices you are making."
Sam glanced at Julia briefly and she reassured him with a nod. "We still want you to come to Aspen with us, to be with Liam. So we'll pay for your airfare and lift tickets. We don't want you to take any money from your parents or Gil's car fund, but do you think you could afford to pay to rent skis and equipment? It will probably cost less than two hundred dollars for the week. Can you save that much money between now and February?"
Ronan's heart leaped and sank so quickly that it reminded him of his one previous flight and some turbulence they had experienced in the air. He desperately wanted to go on the trip, even more to please Liam than for his own pleasure in skiing and spending an uninterrupted week with his boyfriend. But he had made commitments.
Regretfully, Ronan explained that he had twelve hundred sixty-four dollars and forty-one cents, but that he had already committed every cent of those savings to Gil.
Sam and Julia exchanged an astounded glance.
Then Ronan explained that he had asked his parents to take as much additional money as they needed from his college fund, and that he had promised that every cent he earned would go into that fund until he had replaced what was used.
Sam tried again. "That's a very mature decision, Ronan. Both Julia and I really respect you for that. But we still want you to come to Aspen with us. Could you join us if you didn't need any money?"
That offer left Ronan feeling deeply conflicted. It was almost an ideal solution. Liam would be happy. He would have a wonderful time in Aspen. It wouldn't detract in any way from his most important goal. But it didn't feel right to take the Grant's money on his terms. They wanted him to join them in Aspen. He wanted to go. But there were all these obstacles. And every time the Grants removed an obstacle for him with their money, there was a new obstacle that Ronan raised that upped the ante. He felt like he kept shaking them down to give him a bigger and better gift.
Ronan tried to explain. But he was only thirteen. Such words didn't come easily. In the end, he murmured a series of thanks, intersperse with a series of apologies, before concluding that he just couldn't accept so much generosity.
Julia Grant watched Ronan's near-breakdown compassionately. She had always been fond of the boy. The respect that she was feeling for the young adult that he was turning into combined with her affection. In the moment, she felt as deeply for him as if he had been one of her own children. She placed a hand on Sam's arm.
"Ronan," Julia was at her most maternal, "We all respect and accept your decision. You're a very mature young man with a lot of character. You can't let us help you go to Aspen with us, but can you let us help you in some other way?"
Ronan responded with a confused nod of his head.
"What you're doing for your brother is so important to you," Julia acknowledged his intentions. "We want to help you. Could you accept some money from us to help Gil buy the car he wants?"
Julia was surprised when Ronan burst into tears. She was torn between the need to wrap her arms around him to comfort him, and treating him with the adult respect he deserved in that moment. She glanced away and waited tactfully for him to get his emotions under control before she spoke again.
"We don't want you to feel uncomfortable about a gift, but maybe something like a thousand dollars?" Julia suggested. When Ronan started to shake his head violently, she went on, "We already offered you more than that to join us on our vacation. And what Gil wants is even more important than that." Julia had figured out which of Ronan's buttons to push.
Ronan still had his principles. "I can't accept that much money as a gift," he told her reluctantly. "But I can take the money if you promise to let me work for it. I can shovel snow for you all winter, mow your lawn in the summer, rake leaves in the fall... however long I have to do it until I earn all the money."
Ronan's expression of gratitude and pleading tore at Julia's heartstrings. "Of course, Ronan. We want to do what we can to help, but we don't want you to compromise your principles." She turned to Sam.
Sam took his cue. "That sounds like a great idea," he agreed. "Our lawn mower doesn't always work when we need the lawn cut, and he's even less reliable when it snows."
Sam used humor as a social lubricant. He employed gentle teasing on occasion to motivate his offspring. But he hadn't fully comprehended how much Ronan's announcement had affected Liam, so this particular remark failed quite miserably. With a howl of outrage, Liam leapt out of the chair he was sitting in and ran from the room.
Sam glanced at Julia in confusion. She smiled sympathetically. "I'll go talk to Liam. Could you please write a check for Ronan and drive him home?" She caught Sam's eye and surreptitiously held up two fingers. He rolled his eyes. But he smiled faintly when she nodded firmly, and he left the room to do as he was bid.
Ronan was feeling terribly uncomfortable as he waited for Sam to return. He was deeply conflicted. He knew that his decision had really hurt Liam, he just didn't know what else he could have done. He felt strange accepting money from the Grants, even if they had agreed that he would work to repay them for their generosity.
But Ronan also felt a sense of accomplishment. He had lived through a conversation he had been dreading. He was a little farther along the path of achieving his goal for Gil. He didn't understand the feeling, but he sensed the Grants appreciation for the maturity of his choices and their increased respect for him. He would just have to figure out what to do to help heal the harm he had done to Liam.
As Sam drove Ronan home, he complimented the boy again for his mature decisions. He also shared some information with Ronan that he thought might be helpful.
"Does Gil have a job ready when he has his transportation?" Sam asked.
Ronan wasn't sure, but he didn't think so. He said as much.
"Well, I was thinking that I might have something to offer him." Sam said. "I've been thinking about hiring an intern, someone to do entry level jobs and learn my business. If Gil didn't mind working every day after school, I could probably pay him to work fifteen or eighteen hours a week, helping out around the S & L. It could even grow into a bigger role in the summer."
Ronan was overwhelmed to find so many solutions for his problems and Gil's just falling into his lap after one very uncomfortable conversation with the Grants. He promised to share the news with Gil.
"Have Gil call me if he's interested," Sam said, as he dropped Ronan off at his home. "And give this check to your father." He handed Ronan a sealed envelope. "Tell him about our agreement. Maybe he can help us draw up a contract for your work. And let him know that I'll call him later tonight or tomorrow to discuss the details."
Ronan slid out of the car. He remembered one last requirement before he closed the door. He reached back into the car and extended his hand. "Thank you, Mr. Grant," he said. "I appreciate everything you're doing for me. And I promise I'll work really hard to make sure you get your money's worth from me."
Sam met Ronan's eyes directly and smiled at him as they shook hands. He added his other hand to their clasped hands. "I'm sure that Julia will help Liam get over whatever is bothering him. I'm looking forward to the day when you're a permanent part of our family, Ronan."
Ronan almost floated up the walkway to his front door.
Liam lay sprawled across his bed, in the precise position where he had fallen forty minutes earlier. He felt like his world had been blown apart. Not only was Ronan not going to Aspen with him, he had turned down several offers made to ensure that he could go!
'He really doesn't care about me.' That was the only message that Liam could take from Ronan's decision.
His mother had done her best to reason with the back of Liam's head, but he really hadn't heard anything she said. Money was Ronan's problem. But the money was there. Liam's family wasn't wealthy, but they were very well off. And they had offered to eliminate that obstacle for Ronan. But he still didn't want to spend a week with Liam on a great skiing adventure. Ronan preferred to take the money offered, even slave for it, and use it all for something Gil wanted, rather than for what Liam needed. Liam wasn't sure he had any more tears to cry, but he decided that he would try.
When his door opened without a knock, he was afraid that it was his father. The sounds of feel falling across the floor of his bedroom were softer than his father's firm tread.
Ashley sat down on the bed next to Liam.
"I talked to Mom, dweeb... um, Liam." Ashley silently kicked herself. This wasn't the moment, but old habits died hard. "She told me what Ronan decided, and that you're really upset."
Liam thrust one arm out behind him and waved it in a 'go away' gesture.
"I know this hurts you, Liam. And believe me, I really do care about you." Ashley didn't have to force the sincerity into her voice. "Sometimes Gil makes decisions that drive me mad! But he always has a reason. And it's never selfish."
She reached out tentatively and started to rub Liam's back. He considered smacking her hand away, but decided it might be okay to listen to whatever else she had to say.
"The Kanes aren't poor, Liam," Ashley said. "But they don't have as much money as we have. That makes Ronan look at things a bit differently." Her hand traced a gentle circle on Liam's lower back. It felt good, although he wasn't about to admit it.
"I'm pretty sure that Ronan wants to come with us to Aspen. He sure seemed excited whenever I heard him talking about it. But he knows that Gil needs the money that will pay for the trip more than he needs it." She sighed. "That matters to Ronan. Family. And Gil has really done a lot for him. He won't let himself do any less for Gil. It's like..." Ashley struggled for the word, "It's like he has to be worthy of his brother. He can't give Gil anything less than what he thinks Gil has given him. It really is a maddening concept," she grinned at Liam's back.
"But the choice he made is evidence of his good character. That's a trait I really value in Gil. Maybe it's something that you really should value in Ronan." Ashley suggested.
"I know you're angry, Liam," Ashley concluded. "Angry at Ronan, even. And maybe you have a right to be angry. But don't stay angry with him for so long that it causes permanent harm to your relationship. I'm pretty sure that matters more to you than what he did to upset you today."
Liam turned on his side and glared at Ashley accusingly. "You say I can't be angry! Well, how would you feel if Gil put someone else ahead of what you need?"
Ashley sighed again. "Sometimes he has, Liam. He's committed to his family. When he does put others ahead of me, I try to trust Gil, that he's made a sound decision about the needs of everyone involved. Then I accept his decision and try to support him. And I hope that someday I'll be part of his family and he'll be just as committed to me."
Ashley traced a few more circles on Liam's lower back, patted him gently on the shoulder, and left him to his thoughts.
For the remainder of the week, Liam hitched a ride to school with his father. He was polite but distant whenever he and Ronan were thrust into direct contact by normal school activities, but the rest of the time he avoided him.
Liam was dreading Friday. December 13 was Ronan's fourteenth birthday. For each of the past eight years Liam had attended Ronan's birthday party. Some years he was the only person there who wasn't a Kane.
Every day Liam hoped that Ronan would remind him of the party and might even tell him that he really wanted him to be there. Every day Ronan observed Liam's closed-off body language and distant expression and dreaded extending an invitation that Liam would reject. After eight years, he considered it an open invitation for Liam to attend. He hoped that Liam would remember that and join the Kane family for dinner and a brief celebration that evening.
On Friday, Ruth Kane did the best she could for her fourteen-year-old son. She prepared Ronan's favorite meal. She didn't bake a cake, being uncertain how he would feel about something so blatantly celebratory. But she did bake a maple pecan pie for dessert, knowing how much Ronan enjoyed that delicacy. She was even ready with an extra place setting for Liam, although a telephone conversation with Julia Grant had informed her that Liam wasn't likely to be there. Julia had hinted that, due to his behavior, she might not even let Liam attend if he decided that he wanted to do so.
Ruth's heart was a bit heavy as she did a quick inventory of preparations before calling her family to dinner. She was extremely proud of Ronan and the choices he had made. She knew he would suffer greater pain many times in his adult life. But it was still hard watching him try to cope now, with defenses ill-prepared for what he was feeling.
Ruth delayed calling her brood to dinner for as long as she could. She was hoping to hear the phone ring or to see the headlights of a car approaching their home. By the time the evening news had concluded on television, the family was looking expectantly toward the kitchen. Reluctantly, she called them to the table.
Ruth and Frank did their best to give Ronan a low-key birthday celebration. The sirloin tips with mushrooms was excellent. The maple pecan pie with French vanilla ice cream went over even better than expected with Ronan. But they could feel the lingering sadness in their son.
Gil wasn't entirely sure why there wasn't a bigger celebration, but he assumed that it was belt-tightening to help pay for Ronan's trip and followed his parents' lead. Fortunately, Mark was only six. He was vaguely aware that Ronan had a birthday, but the details were a bit hazy to him. He didn't say anything to call attention to the quiet celebration and possibly upset Ronan.
Ruth and Frank hugged Ronan after dinner, told them how proud they were of him, and quietly wished him a happy birthday. Gil saved his birthday wishes for after they retired to their room for the night.
Gil was tactful. But he was already aware that there was some sort of tension between Ronan and Liam. Liam's absence at dinner had drawn a sharp line under that awareness. He gently probed to make sure that Ronan wasn't feeling too sad. He could imagine how he would feel if Ashley missed a significant anniversary and realized that it was probably even more upsetting for his younger brother.
Their conversation was discrete, Gil's questions indirect, but eventually part of the story came out. Ronan explained that Liam was upset because he had decided not to go to Aspen. More questions followed. Gil protested Ronan's explanation that he just couldn't accept so much money from his family while finances were still a bit tight. Finally Ronan came partially clean with the explanation that he couldn't take so much money when Gil might need help from his family to buy a car.
Gil was conflicted. News that he might be able to afford a car sometime before he turned twenty-one came as a relief. But it hurt him that it was coming at the price of Ronan's Aspen vacation and possibly even harm to his brother's relationship with Liam.
Several times Gil encouraged Ronan not to worry about him and enjoy a week skiing with the Grants in good conscience. Several times Ronan held firm in his determination to do what he thought was right. It hurt Gil. He understood doing something because a person believed it the right thing to do. But the sadness in Ronan's eyes was painful to witness.
After the brothers washed up for bed and returned to their room, Gil didn't need to be asked. He held the bed open and Ronan crawled gratefully in beside him. Gil offered the best comfort he could until his brother was fast asleep.
Ronan moped around the house all weekend despite Gil's best efforts to distract him. The elder Kanes were solicitous of Ronan's feelings without being overbearing about it. Only Mark was unaffected by the mood in the house. And it was his enthusiasm that got Gil and Ronan out of the house occasionally, playing nonsense games with him, and helped Ronan get through the weekend.
On Monday, Ronan took his usual place toward the back of the school bus. He was rather surprised when Liam boarded the bus at his stop. But Liam took a seat near the front of the bus and sat quietly with his nose in a book for the thirty minute ride to Brattleboro.
The cold of winter was starting to penetrate southeastern Vermont. It already had a firm grip on Ronan's heart.
By the middle of the week, Ronan's conviction was wavering. It was so hard for him to be in the same space with Liam several hours each day, yet to still be so far apart. He was really starting to fear that he had made a terrible decision.
He arrived home from school Wednesday and went to his room to finish his homework while he waited for his father's office hours to end for the day.
Frank was surprised when he glanced up and saw his middle son standing quietly inside the door to his office.
Ronan didn't like to whine, especially in front of Gil or his father, but he could feel a little whine creeping into his voice. "What does Liam want from me, Dad?" he... yeah, he whined. Then he cringed.
First Frank needed to be brought up to speed. He had known since Ronan's birthday that there was tension with Liam. But he needed Ronan to explain, from his perspective, exactly what the problem was, as well as any facts that might be pertinent to the case. Bolstered by his father's no-nonsense approach, Ronan delivered his best lawyerly summary.
"Well," Frank said, "It looks like Liam had some expectations. And you had something really important to you that came into conflict with his expectations." He picked his way deliberately through the facts to allow Ronan to keep pace with his thought process.
"That happens, Little Seal," Frank went on. "It happens with friends, parents and children, husbands and wives; it can happen any time two people occupy the same space together. One person sees things one way. Sometimes the other person has a very different perspective. And if what they want or need isn't completely independent of what the other person wants or needs, it can create conflict. It just hurts a lot more when the two people involved really matter to each other."
Ronan closed his eyes and kept them tightly shut in agreement.
"With you and Liam," Frank said, "He wants to go somewhere special with someone that he really cares about. He expects you to want the same thing. And I think you do." He looked at Ronan for confirmation.
"But you know that getting what you want is going to make it harder for Gil to get what he wants. And you think that what he wants is a lot more important than what you want." Ronan was following his father's explanation closely and he gave a brief nod in agreement.
"There's a lot involved, Little Seal. Liam is very important to you, just as you are to him. But Gil is your brother. He has been important to you, in a different way, for even longer than you have known Liam. Gil has gone out of his way to do many things for you over the years, and I suspect that you see this as an opportunity for you to do something important for him."
Ronan was hanging closely on his father's words, but he was still amused when he realized that his father had started to pace and gesticulate like he was delivering closing arguments in a court trial.
"I think that what matters most here," Frank said, "and maybe you see it the same way, is that Gil having a car is a really important part of growing up, of his life. It's a great responsibility. It will allow him to become more independent. He can use it to make finding a job easier, and to expand his horizons and travel with friends... well, that still has to wait another month or two. He has to have his license for six months before he can transport anyone under eighteen, unless he has an adult driver with him." As a lawyer, Frank felt the need to be clear about restrictions on junior operator licenses in Vermont. After all, Ronan would probably be looking to get his learner's permit in a year, and his own license to drive just a year after that.
"A week skiing in Aspen would be a wonderful time for you and I hope you can have an experience like that sometime soon. It would be a great adventure for you and Liam. But it isn't quite the same thing as taking clear steps toward becoming a responsible adult.
"You've made a good choice, Little Seal, as long as you're satisfied with it." Frank said. "You're sacrificing something you really want, something Liam really wants, and are risking upsetting him. But you're doing it for something that is more important to someone you really care about. It's a difficult decision. But I think it's the right one.
"No one would have faulted you for accepting the gift and going skiing with Liam. But you made a difficult and brave choice. You put Gil's needs ahead of what you wanted.
"That's evidence of true character. I see it. Your mother sees it. Sam and Julia Grant see it. They've told me that they think very highly of you."
Frank concluded by squeezing Ronan's shoulder. "I think Liam will come around, Little Seal. You guys have been friends for a long time. And he's a good person. Eventually he'll recognize the character you've demonstrated in making this choice. As a good person, he'll want to keep people of character around him."
Ronan's head was swimming as he left his father's office. He had barely said a word while he was there, but somehow his father had intuited what he needed and had given it to him. The entire experience had left him disoriented but somehow feeling much better. As he considered the previous few minutes, he thought that he just might like to become a lawyer someday.
On Friday, school let out for Christmas vacation.
Ronan had been giving Liam space all week, while making sure that Liam wouldn't interpret it as anger or rejection. Whenever they came into contact, Ronan was friendly and polite. He just made it a point not to press Liam for any more interaction than Liam wanted from him. He tried to act like nothing had happened to affect their friendship, but he gave Liam room to figure out at his own pace what he wanted.
As he boarded the bus for the ride home, Ronan stopped beside Liam's seat and handed him a Christmas card. It pained him to see the hurt and sadness that came into Liam's eyes.
"Merry Christmas," Ronan murmured before he went to find a seat toward the back of the bus.
For the next thirty minutes, Ronan's thoughts drifted through happy times that he had shared with Liam. His prayers were focused on the hope that there would be more happy times to share in the future.
When the bus stopped to let Liam off, he glanced toward the back of the bus, made brief eye contact with Ronan, and gave him a subtle little wave. Ronan waved back, then watched as Liam started to trudge down the street toward his house, his eyes focused on his feet.
Christmas week was relatively quiet in the Kane household. Frank and Ruth had his business to keep them occupied, and she had the traditional holiday baking that occupied her spare time. Gil and Ronan were both in reflective moods. Gil was sixteen and growing up, with his future approaching at an alarming rate. Ronan was coping with the fact that he wasn't a kid any more. He was two years behind Gil on their journey to adulthood, but he was much closer to that destination now than he was to the feckless child he had been just a couple of years ago.
Mark was still enjoying his feckless childhood. He kept either Ronan or Gil occupied supporting his adventures in their backyard or around the neighborhood, and at times became rather annoyed with them when they couldn't produce a snow-covered sledding hill to suit his whim. Winter had arrived, after all! Both Gil and Ronan still enjoyed time with their younger brother. It helped to take their minds off more serious concerns.
Several times each day Ronan considered calling Liam, or even walking to the Grant home to see him. Each time, often reluctantly, he decided that it was a problem best left in the hands of time and the gods. He had reached out. He had told Liam what he was feeling in the Christmas card he gave him. Now it was up to Liam to figure out if the breach in their relationship could heal, or if it was an insurmountable obstacle. It was easier for Ronan to be sanguine about the outcome once his mother assured him that he had several powerful allies encouraging Liam to focus his attention on the right answer to that question.
Coming back home Monday afternoon, after an outdoor adventure with Mark and Gil, Ronan found his mother on the telephone in the kitchen. He kicked off dirt and slush in the mudroom and left his boots there to dry. Something about his mother's demeanor caught his attention.
When Ronan entered the house, his mother had immediately turned to identify the intruder. Her attitude appeared cautious, like she might be trying to hide something. Her voice dropped to a whisper.
When Ronan came into the kitchen, he glanced curiously at his mother. She waved him off.
"I'm just talking to your grandmother," Ruth assured him. But she followed Ronan with her eyes until she was certain he had started up the stairs.
Ronan wasn't usually given to eavesdropping, but his mother's behavior had piqued his curiosity. He tiptoed stealthily back down the stairs.
His mother was still speaking quietly, but he caught brief snippets of the conversation. It sounded like she was talking about family members, or perhaps family business.
Following a brief silence at her end, Ruth's voice was raised in sudden alarm, "Oh, Mamme! Oh dear! Are you absolutely certain?" The sound of the back door opening and feet stomping to announce the arrival of more Kane children cut off the rest of her remarks.
The call apparently ended as Gil and Mark tromped into the kitchen.
Ronan slipped quietly back up the stairs to ponder what new tragedy might have just been visited on his family.
The Kane family departed the warm golden glow of Christmas Eve Mass at St. Peter's Church as the service concluded. The strains of joyful holiday hymns followed them out into the streets of Covenant.
Their path down the main street was illuminated by rows of bag candles, set there every year by the Covenant Congregational Church. The light dusting of snow falling in the golden candle light made for a tranquil holiday scene like no other.
Frank Kane carried his sleeping six-year-old son Mark, his wife Ruth beside him. Their older sons, Gil and Ronan, trailed behind them side-by-side.
After several hundred yards, Frank shifted Mark in his arms. Ronan alertly stepped forward immediately and reached out to relieve his father of his burden.
Gil was bemused. Mark was a fairly average-sized six-year-old and Ronan was still rather small for fourteen. But his father didn't hesitate to hand Mark to Ronan.
Gil appreciated his younger brother's desire to share in the family responsibility. He kept a careful eye on Ronan as his family continued their journey, ready to lend assistance if needed.
The chill night air made for an invigorating stroll. Just as the sound of Christmas hymns faded completely into the distance, the Kanes arrived at their destination. Gil checked to make sure that Ronan still held his burden securely, before bounding up the steps to unlock the front door of their home.
Frank spared a brief glance for Ronan and Mark- deciding that Ronan was perfectly capable of carrying Mark upstairs to his bed- before escorting his wife into the living room to relax in front of the fireplace.
Ronan joined Gil in their bedroom ten minutes later. Gil thought his brother looked weary from his exertions, but he was carrying himself in a way that advertised increased maturity. Gil kept his amusement to himself.
"Little Stud," Gil greeted his brother. "Did the little monster give you any trouble settling down?"
Ronan shook his head. "I don't think he really even woke up. I just sat him on the edge of his bed, slipped him into his pajamas, and he rolled right under the covers."
"He'll be a lot more energetic in the morning," Gil reminded him. "And awake a lot earlier than either of us will want him to be."
Ronan smiled wanly. "Yeah. I suppose we were like that when we were his age." He paused to reflect for a moment. "Do you miss it, Gil? Being that young?"
Gil shrugged. "I barely remember what it felt like."
"It must have felt better than this," Ronan suggested. He pressed his forehead against the window. The darkness appeared to hold a sudden fascination for him.
"Liam?" Gil commiserated.
Ronan nodded. The gesture was punctuated by high-pitched squeaks as Ronan's forehead rubbed against the cold window pane.
"It's not too late, Ronan," Gil said. "You can still tell Mom and Dad that you've changed your mind and you want to go to Aspen with Liam."
Ronan shook his head. The squeaks took on a deeper timbre. "I don't want to." He turned to face his brother. "I mean, I do want to. But I won't do it when it's going to be so hard for the rest of my family. It's a lot better to miss out on a vacation, than it would feel to go and know how much it's costing everybody else."
Gil sighed. "But what about hurting Liam?"
"If Liam thinks it's more important for us to have fun than for you... I mean, for my family to go without things that are important to them..." he found it hard to continue. "Maybe we just aren't meant to be together. I want to be with someone who has good character," he justified his decision.
Gil chuckled. "You've been talking to Dad, haven't you?" When Ronan acted surprised, Gil hurried on. "He's right. Dad is. How you live your life, making good choices, is a lot more important that whether or not you enjoy every minute of it. If all you do is try to make yourself happy, you're going to hurt a lot of people along the way. Although sometimes you can go so far protecting others that you do end up hurting yourself," he concluded thoughtfully.
"So did I do it wrong?" Ronan asked. "I didn't want to have fun if it hurt other people."
"I guess not," Gil said. "It's hard for me to be objective because the choice you made will probably help me. But I think if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't accept so much money from my family just to go have fun for a week, especially if the family really can't afford the expense." Gil trailed off. He was acutely aware that he had a real conflict of interest in answering Ronan's question.
"So I chose not to hurt my family," Ronan said. "But I hurt Liam."
"I don't know, Ronan. I think you weighed the options and made the best choice you could. But your decision benefits me, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask." Gil shrugged helplessly.
"Well," Ronan said with conviction, "I did make the best choice. And I hope that Liam can understand that. But is there any way I can try to make it up to him?"
Gil shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I think the biggest reason he wanted you to come with him to Aspen is because he really wants you guys to, like, go to the next level. That may be what hurts him the most."
"But," he added when Ronan opened his mouth, "that has to be your choice; something that you want, too. Your feelings, and your body, aren't something you should give to someone else just to make them feel good- especially if you think it might make you feel bad."
Ronan shook his head vigorously. "I want to, Gil. I already decided that I want to do that with Liam. It's just been hard for me to get comfortable when it comes to actually doing stuff. I guess I'm afraid."
Gil took a deep breath, then another. He thought about how much more grown up Ronan had been acting. He thought about the sacrifices Ronan had been making for other people recently. He thought about his role as Ronan's big brother. And he thought about the car that his parents would probably help him buy, as a result of one of Ronan's sacrifices. Mostly, he thought about Ronan's certainty when he said that he was ready for sex.
Gil climbed into his bed. "Little Stud," he offered tentatively, "I think I'm ready to help you get comfortable with sex, um, things. If you're sure that's what you want."
Gil watched a plethora of emotions scroll across his brother's face. The strongest won out in the end. Resolve.
"I can't, Gil. I mean, I want to. But you shouldn't have to make another sacrifice just because I'm too big a baby to put out for my boyfriend!" Ronan blushed such an intense shade of crimson that Gil became concerned.
"I think I can do it on my own, Gil," Ronan said. "I just need to go slow. As long as Liam can be patient, I think I'm ready to start doing some things with him right now. That is, if he still wants me to..." A cloud crossed his face. "But can I still just sleep with you tonight?"
Gil raised the comforter and sheet, welcoming Ronan.
"Little Stud." He paused. "I mean, Stud..."
Ronan chuckled. "You can keep calling me Little Stud. I still haven't hit my growth spurt yet."
Gil smiled. "Well, until I'm looking up at you... Little Stud."
Ronan felt a pleasant shiver run up his spine.
"You know, Little Stud," Gil said. "My offer stands. If you ever need help getting comfortable doing sex things, I'll be there for you. I promise. And if it makes things better with you and Liam, I'll even let him watch." He shuddered.
Instead of backing into Gil's body, Ronan turned to face him. He lay his head on Gil's chest. Gil wrapped an arm around him. And darned if it didn't feel good. For both of them.
Christmas morning. There still wasn't any light in the sky when Mark dragged Ronan forcibly out of bed.
"It's Christmas," he insisted when Ronan pointed out the obvious to him.
As Ronan's head cleared, he glanced over at Gil, still sleeping peacefully.
"Come on, Marky," he took his brother's hand. "Let's go to your room."
Ronan did his best to keep Mark entertained, asking him about what he was hoping Santa would bring him and reliving the excitement of past Christmases with him. Eventually the sky started to grow lighter and there was just no denying Mark. Ronan brought him downstairs to their living room, where Mark proceeded to take an inventory of all the packages that Santa had left for him.
For a moment he was puzzled. "Why hasn't Santa left anything for you and Gil, Ronan?"
"I asked him for something special, Marky. It just isn't the sort of thing that he could leave under the tree," Ronan said.
Before he had finished the explanation, Mark was back to cataloguing the presents waiting for him.
When Mark tired of that activity, Ronan helped him pull his Christmas stocking down from the mantle where it was hanging above the fireplace. While Mark explored the contents of his stocking, Ronan rummaged through the refrigerator and pantry, trying to figure out what he could make for breakfast.
Ronan had assembled the ingredients to make French toast and was beginning to whisk the custard when Gil stumbled down the stairs. He was surprised to find that it was almost eight o'clock, the house was still in one piece, and what looked like a great breakfast being prepared in the kitchen.
"Little Stud? How did you do it?" he asked.
Ronan basked in the praise. "I had the best teacher," he said.
"Should I wake Mom and Dad?" Gil wondered.
Ronan shrugged. "Let them sleep," he suggested. "I can cover the French toast in a baking pan and keep it warm in the oven."
Ten minutes later, Ronan set plates of French toast, a pitcher of maple syrup, and glasses of milk out for his brothers and for himself. That helped to keep Mark quiet for almost fifteen more minutes.
After Ronan had cleared away the breakfast dishes, he joined his brothers in the living room. It was time for the traditional Kane Christmas stories. Ronan felt shy pleasure when Gil turned to him and waited expectantly.
Ronan started with the traditional story of the child born in a manger. He explained that Jesus had come to save the world and to give everyone hope for a better future.
He told the story of the little bologna that his parents had brought home from the hospital more than six years ago and shared as much as he could remember of Mark's birth and his first few years. It was deeply satisfying to see Mark hanging on every word.
Ronan told a brief version of his own birth, the child of two students struggling to get by and complete their education at the University of Massachusetts in order to build a future for their small, growing family.
Ronan's version of Gil's birth necessarily relied on the stories he had heard from others. He only alluded to Gil's controversial beginning, the child of a high school romance and freeway affair between Frank Kane and Ruthie Cohen. He added his own interpretation when he explained how important it was for Frank and Ruthie to have this baby, so he could be big brother to Ronan and Mark and protect them. He reminded Mark that Jesus had been born to save the world, but that Gil had been born to help his brothers and to keep them safe.
Ronan was afraid that Gil might scoff at his embellishment to the story, and was surprised to notice Gil wiping at his eyes when it concluded.
Ronan felt encouraged to say more. He reminded Mark that he had asked why Ronan didn't have any presents under the tree, adding, "I'm so lucky that I already have everything that I need. I have the two best brothers in the world!"
Gil left hurriedly while Mark basked in the glow of Ronan's praise.
It wasn't more than a few minutes after eleven o'clock and the Kane family was sitting around the Christmas tree, recovering in the aftermath of a small hurricane. Once his parents had given their permission, Mark had torn through his piles of presents with reckless abandon.
Ronan had been surprised to discover that almost every present under the tree was for Mark. Everyone had a couple of small gifts to open, but even his parents traditional gifts to each other had been inexpensive or necessities. He was also wondering why there hadn't been anything for Gil.
Ronan hadn't been sure what to expect. He had gone to the bank with his father a week prior and taken out of his savings account all but the one hundred dollars his parents insisted that he keep to avoid closing the account. He knew that his father had cashed his check from the Grants and that there was more cash from his parents and from his own college fund. He assumed that the money would be waiting for Gil under the Christmas tree; perhaps a check in an envelope, or a roll of bills, a wheelbarrow full of pennies, something. Instead, the Kanes were sitting quietly and watching Mark wreck mayhem on Santa's bounty.
Ronan glanced curiously at his parents. Neither appeared to have any plans beyond cleanup and preparing Christmas dinner in a few hours.
Ronan was beginning to get nervous. He wanted to see Gil actually receive the money he needed, to be sure that his plan had really come together. He was also starting to think about Liam.
Liam had visited the Kanes early in the afternoon of Christmas day the previous year. That, as Ronan now understood it, was when events that led to him and Liam becoming boyfriends had actually started rolling. He prayed that the one year anniversary of those events wouldn't also mark the end of their friendship.
Fifteen minutes before noon, the doorbell rang. Frank and Ruth Kane both looked expectantly at Ronan. Ronan stood up and made his way to the front door. It seemed a little early for Liam and Ashley to be visiting, but he was hopeful. When he opened the door, it was a huge surprise to find his grandparents standing there.
As soon as Ronan opened the door, and Mark heard his grandparents voices, he came barreling out to greet them.
"Bubbie!" Mark cried. "Zayde! Come see what Santa brought me for Christmas!"
He didn't stop until he had burst through the door and had wrapped his arms around them.
"Who else is here?" Mark asked, when he noticed two unfamiliar cars in the driveway.
"Just your Bubbie and Zayde," Sarah Cohen told him.
Mark's eyes got huge. "You needed two cars to bring all my presents!" he exclaimed.
"No, Hertzele. Your Bubbie and Zayde had to bring two cars because we are selling one of them," Sarah said.
"Which one?" Mark wondered.
"The one with the big, red bow on the hood," Sarah smiled at her grandson.
Ronan was starting to put the picture together. "Bubbe?" he asked. He pointed back into the house and mouthed 'Gil?'
She nodded and Ronan almost started crying. The car was beautiful! It looked like it was almost brand new! For just a moment, he considered it the perfect end to a perfect Christmas.
Ronan hugged his grandparents and escorted them into the house.
Sarah Cohen greeted her daughter, son-in-law and grandson. Casually, she handed a key fob to Ruth.
Ruth met her mother's eyes, requesting confirmation one more time that there were no regrets about this decision. Sarah offered a motherly smile and nodded in Gil's direction.
Ruth handed the fob to Frank and they both turned to Ronan. When he understood what they wanted, he shook his head vigorously and pointed back toward his parents and grandparents. It might have been comical, Ronan, his parents, and his grandparents all passing responsibility for the presentation back and forth among themselves.
Finally, Frank took matters into his own hands. He got Gil's attention and made the announcement.
"There are a lot of people who helped make this happen, Gil. Your mother and I, my parents, your aunts and uncles on both sides of the family, the Grants. The people who contributed the most are your Bubbe and Zayde. We taught you kids that the cost of the gift doesn't matter as much as the spirit in which it's given, but your grandparents made an enormous contribution, however you measure it, and we're all very grateful to them."
"The person who really made this happen," Frank continued, "is your brother. You know that Ronan gave up his birthday and Christmas presents. You may not know that he's the person who really made your mother and me aware of how much this matters to you, and he organized the whole family effort to make it happen. I won't go into the details of how much he did, but I will say that if I drew the contract up correctly, Ronan will also be Sam Grant's personal slave for the next year or two," he concluded with a chuckle.
Ronan was feeling self-conscious throughout his father's description of what he had done. He did think it was a bit funny when his father said he would be Mr. Grant's slave, until he stopped to reflect on how awkward and uncomfortable that might be if Liam and he never repaired their friendship.
It took him a moment to realize that Gil was excited, but still looked confused about what was being done for him. Ronan caught his father's eye and gestured toward the object he was holding in his hand.
"Oh!" Frank was surprised to find that he had forgotten the most important part of the presentation. "Your Bubbe and Zayde drove up from Pittsfield this morning to bring this to you." He handed the key fob to his son.
Gil accepted the gift with wonder.
"What is it?" he asked.
"A car!" His father chuckled.
Gil rolled his eyes. "I recognize the car key. I was just wondering what kind of car."
Sarah chastised Frank mildly with a glance. "It's a 2022 Toyota Camry, Gil. It was only driven back and forth to synagogue once a week by a little old lady for the past two years. Go take a look at it. It's waiting out in your driveway."
As the men left to watch Gil's reaction to the car, Ronan stayed behind and hugged his grandmother. "Thank you, Bubbe. That's your car, isn't it?"
Sarah smiled and nodded. "If I need another car, your Zayde and I will buy it, Ronan. But I really don't use this one very much. Zayde and I talked about it and decided that maybe it's time for us to become a one-car household and let this car go to someone who needs it more than we do."
Ronan kept his arms wrapped around his Bubbe. It was an odd sensation, but he was starting to feel more deeply connected to his family. He knew that his parents made sacrifices for him and his brothers. He knew that Gil made sacrifices for him and Mark. And now he could clearly see that his grandparents, his aunts and his uncles, were all part of a family that looked out for each other and made sacrifices, when necessary, to help each other. Reflecting on his own role in making Gil's dream reality, he felt much closer to all of them.
Ronan enjoyed the closeness with his mother and grandmother as they started to chatter.
"When did you start going to synagogue, Mamme?"
"Oh, that was just an expression, Ruth. Your Tatte and I have never been very observant."
Ronan smiled. He didn't have a care in the world, close in the arms of his family.
Gil stood with his father and grandfather, almost transfixed by the realization of his dream that sat gleaming in the driveway. Mark orbited enthusiastically around the men. He could feel that something momentous had happened, and he was excited by it, even if he didn't fully comprehend why it had affected his brother so deeply.
"Go ahead, Gil," his father said. "Take your car for a spin."
Gil shook his head. "I just want to look at it."
His grandfather chuckled. "You'll have plenty of time for looking. Why don't you go pick up that girlfriend of yours and show her your new car?"
Frank interrupted. "We'll have to go with him, Morris. Gil needs a few more months on his junior operator's license before he can transport minors without an adult driver in the car, too."
"That's okay," Gil said. "Ashley has something she's trying to do this afternoon. I don't know if she's free yet." He fidgeted with the key fob in his hand. "Besides, all I really want to do is keeping looking at it. Maybe sit in it," he added after a moment of thought.
Gil opened the driver's door and eased himself carefully into the seat. It felt wonderful! He experimented carefully with controls, his grandfather offering occasional advice.
Finally Gil couldn't resist. He pushed the ignition button and the car purred gently to life! Fans began humming softly. Instruments lit up. Gil tried to take it all in at once.
It really was amazing! The Camry had a much more sophisticated feel than the high school's drivers education car; even more than the Kane family cars.
Gil scanned the instrument panel. It was hard to absorb so much information, but something did jump out at him.
"This car was driven less than six thousand miles!" Gil was amazed. "It's almost brand new!"
"It's two years old," his grandfather told him. "But it hasn't been driven much."
"This is Bubbe's car, isn't it?" Gil asked. It seemed likely, based on the evidence. And the car did look familiar. He thought he might have seen it on recent visits to Pittsfield.
"It's your car, Eynkel," Morris said. "Your family bought it from Bubbe, and we're giving it to you. Your brother helped us to understand how important this is to you, and everybody contributed to make it happen."
The reminder almost overwhelmed Gil. He sat behind the wheel of his car, taking in the sights, sounds, smells and the feel of it, while Mark sat beside him in the passenger seat playing with the electronic seat adjustments and the window.
Frank and Morris exchanged satisfied smiles with each other. Frank reached into a pocket and pulled out an envelope.
"This is for you and Sarah. It's less than half of what this car is worth, I'm afraid. Between Ruth and I- and especially Ronan- we could only scrape together a bit more than nine thousand dollars." Frank shrugged apologetically. "Gil has about eighteen hundred dollars that he's been saving for a car. We'll make sure that you get that when we come to Pittsfield this weekend."
Morris raised his hand. "Please! Ruthie's brothers and your own family have already made a substantial contribution. We don't need Gil's money, Frank." He pressed on when Frank started to protest. "He'll need that money soon enough for insurance and gas, and maybe for that girlfriend of his. Besides, Sarah insisted that he get this car. She probably would have gone out and bought a new car for him if we had decided that we still need a second car." His eyes crinkled at a fond memory. "Gil has always been her bubi's kind. She really grew attached, caring for him while you and Ruth got settled in at the university."
The sentimentality made both men pause and withdraw into their own thoughts.
Morris fingered the envelope thoughtfully.
"We don't talk money often, Frank," he said. "We figure our finances are our businesses, just like you and Ruth don't need us poking into your business. But Sarah and I are quite comfortable."
Frank waited patiently to see which direction this sally might take.
"This money isn't necessary. If we decide that Sarah needs another car, we can afford that." Morris' brow furrowed as he pondered his next words. "Please don't think of this as anything but a just and deserved reward. We would like Ronan to have this money. He sacrificed so much for his brother. He really should be rewarded for what he did."
He extended the envelope to Frank.
Frank drew away and shook his head sharply. But he chose his words carefully.
"Thank you, Morris. I don't want to disrespect a generous gift that comes from your heart, but I can't allow Ronan to accept that. Ronan has grown tremendously this year. He is so much more mature. You're right that he deserves to have his sacrifices rewarded," Frank explained. "But he's going to learn more if he pays the price of his sacrifice and doesn't have it simply wiped away by us, however well-meaning our intentions. I can't speak for him, but I don't think he would want it any other way."
Frank regarded his father-in-law cautiously. Morris nodded contemplatively.
"Gil is Sarah's bubi's kind. And that Mark is an eynkel that speaks to my heart. But Ronan! He's really something special!" Morris found himself treading carefully, as well. "He deserves something, Frank."
"He does," Frank agreed. "He'll have a challenging year, paying for his generosity to his brother. But next year, and when he turns sixteen the following year, Ruth and I will make sure he gets everything he deserves. That will be a good time for him to be rewarded by everyone who appreciates him," he concluded tactfully.
Morris smiled. "I can see the wisdom in waiting. This money," he tapped the envelope, "can be invested. Moishe will see to that. And in a year or two, Sarah and I can reward him then?"
"Whatever you think is appropriate," Frank said. "Ruth and I trust your judgment in those matters."
Morris extended his hand to Frank. "I haven't brought this old business up in more than twelve years, Frank. But I think I should now. You started off in our family on the wrong foot. But you and Ruth have done very well together. You've done a wonderful job raising our grandsons. And you make Ruthie very happy. Thank you, Zun."
Frank wasn't sure what to say. This man had terrified him seventeen years ago. He wasn't afraid of him any more, but found himself oddly grateful for his approval.
He glanced at Gil and Mark sitting in the car. "I think we can trust that Gil won't let Mark inspire him to anything foolish. He's a lot more responsible than I was at that age. Should we go back in the house and get warm, Tatte?"
Christmas dinner was, as is usually the case, a festive event. It had been months since the Kane children spent an interrupted afternoon with their grandparents. They delighted in sharing what had been going on in their lives and in catching up with their grandparents and the Cohen family activities.
The meal was just a little extra since Ruth had been aware of her parents' plans to visit. A bit of Christmas cheer flowed. After the last morsel was consumed, the family pushed back from the table and gathered again in the living room. Ruth set out a babka and drinks to extend the good cheer.
Ronan found himself in a reflective mood. It was Christmas. Everyone was happy and healthy. He was spending the day with his Bubbe and Zayde. Mark was winding down from a holiday high. Gil looked like he was on a high that might never come down. His mother and father were sharing family stories and laughing. There hadn't been a single present for him under the Christmas tree.
He felt wonderful!
Over the years, Ronan had read stories and watched sappy Hallmark movies that extolled the virtue of giving to others. He had struggled to comprehend what they were saying. Now he understood. And he thought that maybe those stories and movies hadn't really done justice to how good you could feel by simply being with those you loved and knowing that they were safe, healthy, and completely content in their lives.
The light outside the living room windows was starting to fade when Morris climbed a bit unsteadily to his feet.
"This has been a wonderful day," he declared. "But we're starting to lose daylight and these old eyes don't do as well as they used to driving home in the dark."
Three pairs of disappointed young eyes turned toward him, then to their parents.
Ruth and Frank conferred silently for a moment.
"Why don't you and Mamme spend the night with us, Tatte?" Ruth offered. "There still a spare bed in Mark's bedroom and I'm sure Gil and Ronan wouldn't mind if he bunks in with them tonight."
Three sets of eyes pleaded with their grandfather.
Ruth turned to Gil. "Could you find fresh linens and a couple extra blankets for the beds in Mark's room, please?"
Ronan followed Gil to help with the chore.
"I guess you get to play big brother tonight," Gil said. "It will feel good helping to settle Mark down and sharing your bed with him."
Ronan looked uncertain. "Uh, I don't know, Gil. He still wets the bed sometimes. Can I sleep with you and let Mark have my bed?"
Gil chuckled. "Okay, Little Stud. But after what happened today, don't be surprised if I wet the bed, too."
Ronan shot a cautious glance at Gil. Then he started trying to remember where his mother stored their sleeping bags... just in case Gil wasn't joking.
When Gil and Ronan had finished making up the beds in Mark's room, Gil drifted over to the window. He searched the street like he was looking for something. Ronan wondered if he could see his car from Mark's window.
"I think it's still there, Gil" he said.
"I know," Gil replied. "I was just looking for someone."
Suddenly Gil turned and dashed out of the room. Ronan followed curiously.
As they reached the bottom of the stairs, the doorbell rang. Gil wrenched the door open. Ashley stood on the front step with a large bag in her hand.
For the first time all day, Ronan felt a hint of sadness as he watched Gil and Ashley embrace in the doorway. The reminder troubled him. 'A year after it started, and it's over', he thought.
Ashley handed Gil the bag she was carrying and reached behind her. She pulled a large object out of the shadows near the door. Liam!
Ronan felt his heart race. He was excited and he was anxious. Liam didn't appear very happy to be there. He met Ronan's eye and looked down immediately.
"Liam?" Ronan said.
Liam looked back up, a question writ large on his face.
"Liam?" Ronan pleaded.
Liam didn't look away this time.
"Liam?" Ronan held out his arms.
Slowly, Liam stumbled into the foyer and Ronan's arms.
"Merry Christmas, Liam," Ronan said.
Ronan and Liam spoke quietly together in the foyer.
"That car with the bow on it?" Liam asked.
"It's Gil's," Ronan admitted.
Liam looked down at his feet.
Ashley hovered anxiously in the living room, being introduced to Gil's grandparents while attempting to pay attention to what was happening between her brother and Ronan. She tried to direct Liam with subtle hand signals.
"I'm sorry, Liam," Ronan said. "I know I disappointed you. But I had to do it for Gil. It's something he really needed. And he's my brother!"
"But I'm your boyfriend," Liam complained.
"I know. That's really important to me." Ronan found an inspiration. "It's really important to Gil, too. He wants to help us both."
Liam met Ronan's eye with a hopeful gaze.
"I still can't afford to go to Aspen," Ronan reiterated. "But you know that thing you really want?"
Liam looked confused.
"Sex!" Ronan hissed. "Gil cares about us so much that he said he would help us. Last night. He told me that he would help me with that stuff. And," he played his trump card, "he even said he'd let you watch us do it!"
Liam eyes expanded comically. "When? Like, now?!"
"Not now," Ronan corrected him. "But he cares so much about both of us that he's willing to do that for us. He's the best brother either of us could have."
Ashley almost choked on the cider she was sipping. She excused herself to join Gil in the kitchen, where he was brewing coffee.
Behind her, Ronan was trying to calm a hyperventilating Liam.
"I told him no," Ronan said. "He wants to help us, but I told him that I think I'm ready... as long as we don't go too fast. I want you and me to do some of that stuff."
Liam had just started to breathe normally again. "Can we go up to your room?" he gasped.
"As soon as I introduce my boyfriend to my Bubbe and Zayde," Ronan said. "They'll want to meet you while they're here."
"Gilead Aaron Kane!" Ashley whispered sharply as she joined Gil in the kitchen, "You have to be the best big brother in the world!"
Gil was puzzled. He thought he was a pretty good brother, but he couldn't imagine what had provoked this outburst. He looked at Ashley expectantly.
"I just heard Ronan tell Liam that you want to help them make their relationship work!"
Gil couldn't connect the dots. Of course he wanted to help them make their relationship work.
"By helping Ronan get comfortable enough to have sex with Liam!"
Gil's eyes bugged. This felt like potentially dangerous terrain.
"Ronan said that you would even let Liam watch you two do it!?" Ashley's tone suggested that might not be part of the 'best big brother in the world' job description.
"Liam wants to. Liam wants to have sex with Ronan." Gil defended himself in a rush of words. "Ronan isn't comfortable doing stuff like that yet, so he asked me if he could do it with me first because he'd feel safe with me. And Liam said he wants to watch. So I finally said he could watch if that's what it took to help Ronan and Liam be happy." Gil was flailing. He felt a bit like a butterfly that had accidentally wandered onto a skeet shooting range.
"So you told Ronan that you'd have sex with him, and that Liam could watch, to help get them back together?" Ashley sounded incredulous. "Gil! You really are the best big brother in the world!"
Gil drew a cautious breath. Maybe the crisis had passed.
"I want to watch, too!" Ashley insisted.
"Ash!" Gil choked. He struggled to explain. "It isn't going to happen! Last night I finally told Ronan I'd do it. But he told me that he thought he was ready to try stuff with Liam on his own, as long as Liam didn't want to go too fast. Ronan doesn't need me to do it with him anymore."
For a moment, Ashley looked like her pet hamster had just died. "It isn't going to happen?" she asked. "Really?"
"Really!" Gil asserted. "It was just something that Ronan thought he needed. But he decided he didn't, so it isn't happening!"
"Well..." Ashley tried to pull herself back together. "But Liam really wanted to watch you and Ronan have sex?"
Gil nodded.
"He is such a pervert!" Ashley snorted.
"Uh, Ash..." Gil almost had second thoughts. "Liam might not be the only pervert in your family..."
Ashley reddened slightly. "But I have a right," she insisted. "We're going to get married someday, so I should be able to check out your goods!"
Gil decided that maybe he shouldn't remind her that she wouldn't be marrying Ronan's goods. 'Married', he mused. He smiled. Then he kissed her.
Ronan and Liam were finally able to excuse themselves after Liam's introduction to the grandparents. They climbed the stairs to the second floor, Ronan purposefully and Liam eagerly. Ronan locked his bedroom door behind them.
Ronan wet his lips and turned deliberately to face Liam. He looked him square in the eye and stepped closer.
"So can I see you in your underwear now?" Liam asked.
The question startled Ronan. He had a plan. He hadn't really considered that Liam might have other plans.
"I don't know if we should tonight," Ronan pleaded. "The house is full of people and somebody could interrupt us."
Liam's face fell. He looked away. Ronan started to panic.
"We can do that soon," Ronan promised. "Maybe tonight you can just see the tag on my underwear?"
Liam looked back at Ronan. There was a light in his eyes again. So Ronan turned away and bent forward slightly.
"Hey!" Ronan yelped, "That was a lot more than the tag!"
"I had no idea that you still wear tighty whities," Liam snickered.
"I don't!" Ronan said. The suggestion was almost offensive! "I haven't worn tighty whities since I was Mark's age!"
"Oh," Liam mused, "Well, then you're very white."
Ronan could hear the smirk in Liam's voice.
"And I'm starting to understand why people make such a big deal about a white Christmas!" Liam added.
Ronan reflected on the exchange for a moment. The he giggled. He turned around and reached up to pull Liam to him. Deliberately, gently, he pressed his lips against Liam's. He leaned back and took a moment to consider the experience, then he pulled Liam toward him again.
It had been a weird feeling, Ronan decided. It felt a bit like he had been violated, but it was also exciting. And the kissing felt very nice. All-in-all it had felt good; almost as good as Liam's hands that were under his shirt and rubbing gently up and down his back.
He considered what he was feeling for a few more moments to be certain. 'Yes', he decided, 'I could get used to this. I think I'll even like it.'
He pulled away from Liam's lips and pressed his cheek against Liam's.
"Merry Christmas," he whispered in Liam's ear.
- The End -
A few readers may recognize the characters in this story. They were introduced in a story called "Indiscretion Runs in the Family", also posted here on IOMFATS.
I never planned to visit those characters again. Usually when I write a story, the characters are there to tell that story and I consider the remainder of their lives their own, or leave them to the imagination of readers.
But I'm really not very good at writing to prompts. And while I was struggling to devise a story to submit to our generous host for his Christmas tales, I was surprised to hear Ronan and Liam calling out to me with their own story to tell.
They had a lot to say! I wanted to write a short story. Soon it grew into a novella. I was starting to worry that it might go supernovella before they were through. For a couple of young guys, they sure had a lot on their minds! This was the result.
There are a number of references in this story that could puzzle many readers, but may be familiar to readers of "Indiscretion". For those who haven't seen that story, I hope those references weren't too much of a distraction and perhaps even added a bit of obscure color to this story. Above all, I hope you enjoyed reading it.
NG
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