Gran's House
by Kit
Chapter 16
After consulting the weather forecast, the day of the family trip to the seaside was decided. I arrived outside their house a little after eight thirty that morning, and by nine o'clock the minibus was fully loaded and we were on our way. The seating arrangement was the same as for the picnic trip, but this time Mike and Katie shared the double seat nearest to us brothers on the rear bench seat. That meant poor David was sitting alone at the front.
Once we were well underway, Liam surprised me by beginning the singing of what he referred to as our 'funny songs'. Apparently, he now felt comfortable enough with us to sing in public, possibly because we were at the back so no one was looking directly at him. I was the only adult to join in, but all the children took part in some way.
Katie had a sweet and tuneful voice; Mike may have been singing very quietly but was possibly just mouthing the words. Because Susie's contribution bore little, if any, resemblance to the melodies and continued when the rest of us were quiet, I could tell that even she was singing, though they were her own wordless tunes.
By the time we got to our destination and found a parking space, it was almost ten thirty and time for a mid-morning snack. However, Katie and Mike didn't have hats, so before finding a cafe, we had a brief visit to the shops. She chose one that was similar to Liam's, and the redhead accepted my suggestion that he get a running cap with a detachable neck protector.
After our snack, we went to the funfair, where I was delighted and relieved when David volunteered to go on the roller coasters and other scarier rides with the older children. Liam wanted to try those rides, but he was too small to be allowed on them, so I used that as an excuse to go with him on some of the gentler attractions.
Sadly, there were only a couple of rides suitable for Susie. When Sarah and the toddler joined me and Liam after they'd been on those, Sarah said she was going to sit on one of the benches with her daughter. Liam started listing the rides he still wanted to go on, and she said they looked like they'd be fun.
"Why don't you go with Liam for a bit," I suggested, "while I entertain Susie?"
"Mmm, well, I don't know," she replied hesitantly.
"Don't you trust me to look after her for a few minutes?" I asked, pretending that my feelings had been hurt.
"Of course I do," she protested, "but it doesn't seem fair that you should be a babysitter."
"It's really an exchange," I said lightly, looking at my little brother, "because you'll be babysitting Liam."
The little boy, who'd been listening to our exchange, glared at me angrily and protested, "I'm not a baby!"
"Sorry, Liam," I placated him. "I was just teasing you."
He grunted a reluctant acceptance of my apology and told us what ride he wanted to try next.
"Are you sure?" Sarah asked, and when I nodded, she turned to her daughter and said, "Susie, do you want to play with Paul while Mummy goes there?"
She pointed at a nearby ride and added, "You can see me all the time, so you know where I am."
The little girl looked at her mother a little doubtfully, then looked at me, smiled and said, "Kay."
I sat down on the bench beside the little girl, who was clutching a small knitted bear, and I remembered my promise to entertain her. So I made up a little story about a knitted bear who owned a little girl and took her to the seaside. Susie was very amused at the idea of the toy owning the girl and followed the story intently while frequently checking that she could still see her mother.
When Sarah and Liam returned after a couple of rides, I was in the middle of another story about the bear being annoyed by noisy seagulls and trying to persuade them to go away. Susie insisted that I finish the story before we could go and meet up with David and the older children. Liam raised his eyes toward the sky and looked at me with an expression that indicated how much more mature he felt than the toddler.
After lunch, we picked up the beach umbrellas, windbreaks, blankets and other paraphernalia from the minibus and went onto the sand. Before allowing the children to play freely, Sarah insisted on putting an extra layer of sunscreen on all of them, even Liam and Katie. Although there was a lifeguard not too far away, she also told the children that they shouldn't even go paddling in the sea unless there was an adult with them.
David and his wife were relieved when I informed them that I was also a qualified lifeguard and would keep my eyes on the children who went near the sea. While Liam and Katie were exploring nearby rock pools, I saw that Connor and Mike were standing at the shoreline with the sea a couple of inches above their ankles. Although I couldn't hear what they were saying, I got the impression that something competitive was involved.
"Hi, guys," I said as I joined them. "How're things?"
"We're just playing a game," Connor replied a little defensively, "to see who can go deepest."
"He said I couldn't go up to my chin cos the water's so cold," the redhead said.
"Can you both swim?"
"Yeah, a bit," my brother replied.
Mike shook his head and said, "Not really."
"Then neither of you can go deeper than your knees," I ordered, "because waves can knock you over. And even if you're only up to your knees, the waves can reach your bum."
"But it's not a contest if both of us can only go to our knees," Connor protested.
"So let's see who can stay in the water longest," Mike proposed after a moment's thought.
"Okay," I said, "but whoever wins can't boast about it or tease the loser."
They both agreed and waded up to their knees, staring at each other. Although my brother was more heavily built, I was pretty sure that Mike would be able to tolerate the cold water for longer. It seemed to me that after the pain and discomfort of his childhood, having the lower half of his legs in cold water would be easily bearable.
As they stared into each other's eyes, I watched their faces. Mike's expression remained impassive, and although Connor tried to hide it, I could see that both his discomfort and determination gradually increased. Having earlier experienced how cold the water was, I was surprised that either of them lasted so long, but eventually my brother gave in and waded out of the water.
As if to emphasise his victory, Mike stayed in the water for a few more seconds, with a growing smile and an expression of smug self-satisfaction.
"You won," I said to him, "but remember I said no gloating."
"You saw that I won," he replied, "so I don't need to gloat."
I was still trying to work out exactly what he meant as I went to check up on Liam and Katie, who were crouched next to each other and staring into one of the larger rock pools. When I returned to the rest of the group, I was pleasantly surprised to see that Mike and Connor were cooperating in helping Susie build a sandcastle.
Sarah drove the minibus on the way home, and there wasn't any singing because all the children apart from Mike quickly fell asleep. Sitting between my two sleeping brothers was a pleasant experience for me, despite the fact that Connor drooled on my shirt. When we arrived at the house, Sarah immediately took the children inside and started them on their bedtime routines. I helped David unload the minibus and then drove home alone.
I collected my brothers from the foster home a couple of days before David and Sarah went on vacation. We'd also arranged for them to stay with me for just over three weeks in order to give the foster carers time to settle back in after their holiday. That meant that each boy had a large bag of clothes and other things needed for a prolonged stay.
They were full of eager anticipation at the prospect of their long vacation, and for days we'd been discussing what they wanted to do. However, as a lot of their ideas involved outdoor activities that depended on the weather, we hadn't yet made any definite plans for specific days. In truth, I was just as excited as they were, though I didn't display it so openly. On the drive home, once they'd calmed down a little, I asked how they'd been getting on with Mike.
"He hasn't been very nice to us." Connor replied.
"But he hasn't been nasty, either," Liam said, showing his natural predisposition to being fair. "And he hasn't called us any bad names."
On earlier visits to my house, they'd been practising riding their bikes in the garden and on the driveway and paths around the house. Liam no longer needed the stabilisers, and on that first afternoon, we rode around the local streets for an hour or so. The suburban area was quiet, especially in the middle of a working day, and it was a good opportunity to practise their road skills.
The next morning, I got up early to prepare breakfast and saw that the door to Liam's room was open and his bed was empty. Connor's bedroom door was shut, and there was no sign of either of them downstairs. Over the previous few weeks I'd noticed that they'd become more independent and less inclined to do everything together all the time, so I wondered how long it would be until they decided that they no longer wanted to share a bed.
Up until then, I'd not provided eggs for breakfast because both Liam and I disliked them. However, Connor did like them, and it seemed unfair to him that he should miss out on something he enjoyed for a whole three weeks. Therefore, starting that morning, I added boiled, fried, or scrambled eggs to the older boy's breakfast options. During their visit, I also discovered that Liam and I could actually enjoy omelettes provided that they contained lots of herbs and cheese.
On the Saturday morning after they arrived, I took them to my old school's indoor swimming pool, which was open to the paying public during the summer and Easter holidays. That enabled the school to raise funds and also, apparently, to show that it was part of the wider community. Connor was eager to go, but Liam needed a little gentle persuasion.
The pool wasn't too busy, and we found a place at the shallow end where I could check how close they were to meeting the requirements of the swimming curriculum of their primary school. As it turned out, Connor could already fulfil the requirements, and his little brother wasn't as bad as he'd led me to believe. I was pretty sure that I could get them both confident and safe in the water by the time they went back to school.
As on most Saturdays when my brothers stayed with me, we spent a couple of hours in the afternoon with Aunt Anne and Uncle Geoffrey. Usually, we had sandwiches, cake and tea at their house, but that particular Saturday they took us to a posh hotel in the city centre for a formal afternoon tea. The boys were very impressed and maybe a little intimidated, so they didn't say much while we ate.
When we left the hotel, my brothers went ahead with Uncle Geoffrey to get his car, so I took the opportunity to have a quiet word with Aunt Anne. I told her about Katie's upcoming twelfth birthday and asked if she could suggest an appropriate present for me to get. She promised to give it some thought and then phone me with some suggestions.
Our first camping trip began at the beginning of their first full week with me. We spent three nights at a campsite that was only about a ten-minute walk from Robin Hood's Bay, which Liam told me was his favourite beach. The little boy was also pleased to find out that dogs weren't allowed at the campsite. As an added bonus, the views all around were gorgeous, and, apart from one night of light rain, the weather was warm and dry.
The boys were a little disappointed that I took the Golf instead of the Merc, but I decided that the smaller car would be better for the unknown conditions of the campsite. I chose a nice area for our tents in a place that was relatively private but also not too far from the showers and toilets. By the time we'd set up camp, it was lunchtime, and we were very hungry, so we drove into a nearby village and found a nice cafe.
In the afternoon, we explored the beach and surrounding countryside, and then I fried some potatoes and heated up some hotdogs on the dual-burner gas stove. At that location and at that time of year, it didn't get dark until relatively late, and the boys settled down to sleep while it was still quite light. They also got up before six o'clock, while I was still asleep, and woke me up to request breakfast.
After having bacon and beans, with the addition of scrambled eggs for Connor, we cleaned up the pans and dishes and then drove to Scarborough. After a little shopping and exploration, we had a substantial lunch and returned to Robin Hood's Bay, where we spent the afternoon on the beach. Wherever we went, Liam took charge of their phone and took lots of photos.
Throughout the whole trip, I was very pleased by the way we all worked together as a team. Of course, boys being boys, there was some messing about, but when carrying out tasks such as setting up camp or cleaning cooking equipment, they followed instructions without argument. We all enjoyed the camping, but at the end of our stay, I got the impression that the boys would welcome the creature comforts of living in a real house.
On the journey home I asked them what they'd enjoyed most about the camping experience. They both thought about it for a while, and Liam was the first to answer.
"When it was cold at night, I could snuggle up with Connor to keep warm . "
"What about you, Connor?" I asked.
"I liked how we were together, and we all did stuff together," he replied eventually.
Then they both wanted to know when and where the next camping trip might be, and I told them that I hadn't made any definite plans yet because I didn't know if they'd like it enough to want to do it again.
"I want to do it again," Liam responded immediately.
"I want to go to the Lake District," Connor announced, "to see the places in my book."
"That's further away," I pointed out. "Even with the motorway, it's probably more than a two-hour drive. Also, the Lake District is very popular at this time of year, so it may be difficult to find a nice campsite at such short notice."
"But can't we try?" he asked plaintively.
"I'll see what I can do."
After arriving home and having a light meal, I spent some time trying to find available campsites. Meanwhile, my brothers went to work sorting through the photos on their phone and moving many of them to the laptop, with backups to USB memory sticks. We were all in the living room and several minutes into our respective tasks when I heard a whoop from Connor. I looked up and saw he was smirking and pointing at the screen of his laptop.
"Look at that," he said to his little brother.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh, er, nothing," he said guiltily, beginning to blush.
Liam, who apparently either didn't see or didn't understand what the bigger boy had been pointing at, just looked puzzled. I stood up and went over to take a look, but all I could see was a photo of myself on the beach. The background showed Mike lying in the shade of one of the beach umbrellas, so I deduced that it had been taken on the family trip.
"So what's got you so excited?" I asked the older boy.
His blush deepened, and then he started giggling. I just stood and looked at him until he calmed down enough to speak.
"What got Mike so excited?" he replied.
Barely suppressing more giggles, he moved the image of Mike to the centre of the screen and enlarged it. He pointed at the redhead's shorts.
"You can't see it on the phone's little screen, but you can see it here. He's got a stiffy," he said.
As he tried to control his giggling, Liam and I took a closer look at the screen. Mike was indeed 'pitching a tent'. I guessed that Connor's giggling was caused less by the fact that it was funny and more by the embarrassment of showing me what had caught his attention.
"So it's a stiffy," I said and shrugged my shoulders. "All boys get them, especially when they're around Mike's age."
"Oh, it's his willy," Liam said, apparently beginning to understand what the fuss was about.
"I wonder what he's thinking about," Connor said, smirking.
"Maybe he's not thinking about anything. At that age it can just happen," I pointed out, "and if you don't know that already, I'm sure you'll find out for yourself in a year or two."
The blush on his cheeks that had begun to fade now increased and spread.
"Anyway," I continued, "you'd better not mention this photo to anyone, and definitely don't tease Mike about stiffies. In fact, I think it would be best if you deleted this photo."
"I don't want to," Liam complained. "It's a good picture of you."
"You have lots of photos of me," I pointed out, "but if you don't delete it, at least edit Mike out of it."
"Do we have to?" the older boy asked.
"Just think how you'd feel if someone had a photo of you like that. I won't make you do it, but I think a good person would do it anyway, and I think you're both good people."
I went back to my armchair and continued my online searching. Although I couldn't be certain that the photo would be deleted or edited, I felt reasonably confident that my brothers would do the right thing. A few minutes later, Connor came over and asked me to show them how to edit the photo.
Eventually, after a couple of hours, I found a campsite with available space near Grasmere. Given the fact that other suitable sites were full, I suspected that perhaps the availability might have been due to a last-minute cancellation. In any case, I booked three nights that were at the end of the second week of my brothers' stay with me.
The drive from my house to the campsite took more than two-and-a-half hours, but the views during the last half hour or so were spectacular. Unfortunately, the weather wasn't so great, and we had only one really nice sunny day on which we could go walking. The second night and third day were a complete washout, with heavy rain, so we had to enjoy the views while driving around. However, even then, the sight of the peaks disappearing into the low clouds was quite impressive.
Despite the weather, both boys enjoyed the trip and said they'd like to return sometime, preferably when there was less rain. Connor was impressed not only with the scenery but also with the range of activities that he saw.
"Have you ever been sailing?" he asked me on the dry but cloudy day when we were having lunch in a lakeside restaurant.
"Yes, a few times. It was fun."
"Will you take us sailing sometime?" he asked eagerly.
Liam remained quiet and was frowning slightly, giving me the impression that perhaps he wasn't so enthusiastic about the idea.
"We'd have to find someone who really knew what they were doing," I replied. "I've only ever been crew, so I just had to obey orders."
"Oh," he said, sounding disappointed. "How about water skiing?"
"I tried it once. I was terrible at it, and it was a complete disaster."
"Only once? Why? How old were you?" he asked.
"I was fourteen. Like I said, I was terrible, and I fell on my bum. It really hurt so bad that I didn't want to try again."
"Worse than a spanking?" Liam chipped in.
"I don't know," I replied, "I never had a spanking. But it was different."
"How d'ya know it was different if you never got spanked?" Connor challenged.
In order to avoid being overheard, I leaned closer to them and spoke quietly.
"Because the water went right up my bumhole, and that's what hurt most."
Connor sniggered, and his little brother had a fit of giggles, but fortunately neither of them pursued the matter.
The day after we arrived home, I got a call from Rose.
"Hi, Paul. I hope that you and your brothers are enjoying your vacation together."
"Yes, we're having a great time, thanks. Have you had your summer holidays yet?"
"No, we're taking the first couple of weeks in September. One advantage of having grown-up children is that we can have cheaper holidays during school terms," she replied, then quickly added, "The reason I'm calling is to see if we can arrange for me to visit your house while Liam and Connor are there."
"Will Charles be coming, too?"
"No, it will just be me," she said. "It's not really a visit to see the house but to see you and your brothers together. Also, to kill two birds with one stone, as it were, we could talk about your possible adoption plans."
"Okay, that's fine with me," I said and jokingly added, "I suppose you want to see three brothers interact in their natural habitat as part of your psychological studies."
"Yes, something like that," she replied.
From the way she said that in such a flat tone, I couldn't tell if she was serious or pulling my leg. After a brief discussion, we agreed on a date and time that would be mutually convenient. When I told my brothers about Rose's proposed visit, they were initially a little concerned, but I reassured them that there was nothing to worry about.
Between that conversation and her visit, my brothers and I carried on with our holiday activities, the exact nature of which depended on the weather. Most fine days we went cycling, but one day we went to the beach and another day we went to the memorial garden. One warm but slightly drizzly Sunday afternoon, I left the boys with Aunt Anne while I went for a long run.
Of course, Liam spent a lot of time in the garden, and when the gardeners came around, they seemed to enjoy his company. Connor liked to help me prepare meals and seemed eager to learn basic cooking skills. In the evenings, there was plenty of entertainment from computers, TV, and games consoles. Overall, we just enjoyed one another's company, and there never seemed to be enough time to become bored.
When Rose arrived at just after two o'clock on the designated afternoon, the house, the boys, and I were all reasonably clean and tidy. Although they knew her quite well, Liam and Connor were initially a little quiet and wary. However, when Rose accepted my offer of tea and cake and we all sat down at the kitchen table, the atmosphere quickly relaxed. Connor proudly pointed out that he'd helped to make the cake, and that prompted his little brother, in a semi-competitive spirit, to ask if she liked plums.
"Yes," she replied, "and I hear you gave some very nice ones to David and Sarah."
"Yeah, I know how to pick 'em when they're ripe," he boasted. Pointing to a bowl of the fruits on the kitchen counter, he added, "You can take some if you want."
"Thank you," she said, smiling kindly, "but they came from Paul's trees, so are they yours to give away?"
"But I picked 'em," he replied, then he looked at me and added, "Well, we did, so some must be mine, and you can have some of them."
I laughed and said, "And you can have some of mine as well."
She then asked how they'd enjoyed their long stay with me and what sort of things they'd been doing. The boys began inundating her with tales of their holiday adventures, and in their enthusiasm, they often both spoke at the same time. However, Rose didn't seem to mind the confusion. After a few minutes, when the verbal outflowing had slowed down, she asked Connor if he'd show her some of his favourite photos from the camping trips.
"But I took most of the photos," Liam protested.
"That's okay," she replied soothingly, "but maybe his favourites won't be the same as yours."
The older boy went to get his laptop, and when he returned, she suggested that they go somewhere quieter to look at the photos. Realising that she wanted to speak with him privately, I suggested that they go to the conservatory. Liam, who didn't seem to understand why they needed to go to a different room, gave me a questioning look.
"Why don't you do me a favour and bring yours and Connor's dirty clothes down to the laundry?" I asked, hoping to distract him.
We'd just finished sorting clothes and loading the washing machine when Rose and Connor came to find us. Then Rose asked Liam to show her the garden and tell her how he knew which plums were ripe. When they left the room, I asked Connor if Rose had liked the photos.
"She said so," he replied, looking a little confused, "but she also asked some weird questions."
Although I was very curious, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so I just waited to see if he wanted to elaborate.
"She asked about things like what was the best thing about staying with you, what was the best part of the camping trips, and did I think of you as a brother or an adult. You know, weird stuff like that."
"I think that asking questions is part of her job, and what seems weird to us may be important to her job."
We went back to the kitchen, where he helped himself to a glass of apple juice. A few minutes later, Liam came into the kitchen with Rose, who was carrying a basket of plums. Seeing his older brother with the juice, he went to the fridge to get some for himself. As he opened the fridge door, he looked over his shoulder at Rose.
"Don't eat them until they're washed," he instructed her.
When I took a colander from the counter and held it out for her, she smiled broadly and gently put in the plums.
"Rose picked them," Liam said to me as he brought the juice to the table, "but I told her which she could pick."
"Well, as she picked them, they must be hers," I replied with pretended seriousness. "So are you still going to give her some of yours as well?"
He frowned in thought for a couple of seconds before he replied, "Yeah, okay."
Rose, trying to hide her amusement, asked if she could speak with me privately. Leaving the boys to entertain themselves for a while, we went and sat in the parlour.
"Did you learn anything interesting?" I asked lightly.
"On a personal level, I was very interested in what they said, but on a professional level, how they said it and their body language were much more important, especially when you were present."
"I don't suppose you can give me details?" I asked.
"Not really," she replied. "Tricks of the trade. A magic act doesn't work if the magician tells you how it's done. In any case, the important thing is that your brothers are happy and that they're very comfortable with you."
"I was already pretty sure of that," I said wryly.
"Anyway, what I really wanted to talk with you about is your plan to adopt them."
"I already know about the potential problems of being a single parent, and David has already pointed out that being a fun brother isn't the same as being a parent, either for me or for the boys. And I've been giving serious thought to those considerations."
"Does that mean you're changing your mind?" she asked, making it sound like a challenge.
"No," I replied firmly, "it means I'm considering solutions to potential problems before the problems arise."
"I'm sure that you've heard this before from me and others and that it may sound like a broken record, but before we can support your case for adoption, we need to be absolutely sure you truly appreciate that adoption is irreversible."
"Yes," I replied and sighed, "and I do appreciate that Social Services needs to have confidence in me because if they support me, they will be in the firing line if anything goes wrong."
She smiled and nodded slowly, indicating that she was satisfied that I really understood the gravity of the situation.
"All of us should make definite decisions before getting your brothers' hopes up," she said very seriously. "They've already mentioned to me that they'd like to live with you, but they don't appear to have given any thought to adoption or anything formal."
"And I suppose they can't just come to live with me informally?" I asked even though I was sure that wouldn't be possible.
"From a legal and practical point of view, that couldn't be allowed, and in any case, an informal situation wouldn't give your brothers the stability and security they need. Think about how they might feel if they knew that at any time you could change your mind."
"I'd already decided that adoption would be best for all of us."
"Another possibility would be to simply maintain the status quo," she replied. Looking me directly in the eye, she added, "They already have a good and secure home, so you could just stay as a brother who visits and takes them on holiday."
"I've already considered that," I replied, "and I know that they already have a loving home, but wouldn't they still have some insecurity if they thought I could drop out of their lives at any time? And, if they feel like I do, being with real family, blood relatives, would give them a stronger sense of belonging."
"So it seems that you're still serious about adopting."
"Yes," I replied with certainty, "I've decided to start the formal adoption process."
"Charles told me that you'd asked him to put you in contact with an agency," she said with a wry smile.
"Right," I said and smiled. "I should have realised that you and Charles would have consulted together on this."
She returned my smile, then spoke in a very serious tone.
"You're going to have to be very careful about letting the boys know your intentions. If you let them know you're thinking about adopting them and then things don't work out, they'll feel rejected and devastated. They may even feel they've done something wrong to make you change your mind."
"I know," I said seriously, then more lightly added, "Or I could always blame you and say Social Services wouldn't allow it. Then they wouldn't blame me or themselves or feel rejected."
She looked at me in shocked silence and then said, "That would be a terrible thing to do!"
"I was just joking," I protested.
"It wasn't funny. Not funny at all," she said indignantly.
"I know. I'm sorry," I said penitently. "As you may have noticed, I tend to make terrible jokes when I'm particularly nervous."
"Why would you be nervous?" she asked, looking less indignant.
"The idea of decreased contact with my brothers, or the idea they may think badly of me, or worst of all, the idea that they may feel insecure or even rejected. All that scares me."
"That's good," she said a little smugly.
"It's good that I'm scared?"
"Yes, it means you're taking things seriously," she replied. "Anyway, what we need to discuss at this stage are the practical details if they were to come to live with you. Needless to say, this is intended to provide what is best for your brothers, even if you don't feel that it's best for you."
"Okay," I agreed, nodding.
"First, let's consider a possible timeline," she said in a manner which suggested a prepared speech. "The boys have already changed schools once this year. Connor will be eleven next year and will have to change again to go to secondary school. If he came to live with you before then, it would mean yet another new school."
She paused to let me consider that, then continued, "That would be four different schools in less than two years, which is not good for his educational progress, especially as one of those changes would be a major change from primary to secondary school. Because of that, there's no way that Social Services would support any change in his living arrangements until he finishes primary school."
"So even if the adoption went ahead, they couldn't move to live with me before next July."
"Correct," she agreed, "and if they come to live here, you would have to be responsible for finding suitable schools for both boys, as well as other practical details such as registration with a GP, dentist, et cetera."
"I hadn't thought of that," I admitted.
"Indeed, taking on the responsibilities of a parent is more complicated than just being a big brother," she said, "and in order to convince the panels and the court that you can be a good parent, they need to know that you can deal with the details."
"Do you think that I may not be allowed to adopt them?" I asked despondently.
"As you know, decisions are made based on what's best for children," she said. "They almost always follow the recommendations of Social Services and expert panels, and if you follow the path we recommend, Social Services will probably support your adoption application. But we can't absolutely guarantee what the final decision will be."
She paused and, in a very sympathetic tone, she added, "Paul, I know that you're a good person and have the best intentions. I know that you love your brothers and that they love you. But before a court will allow you to transition from loving brother to parental carer, they will have to be sure that it's really what you want and really what the boys want. They will also have to consider if it's really practical."
"Okay," I acknowledged, beginning to feel more positive. "When you put it like that, waiting until next summer seems reasonable. There'll be lots of things to prepare."
"Yes, and remember that although you and your brothers have become close, it's less than six months since you first spoke with them, and it's only a little more than two months since you met in person. It's been an exciting and fun time, but once the novelty wears off, once things settle down and become ordinary, will they still want to live with you, and will you still want to live with them? An extra few months will give more perspective, and all three of you can be sure of what you want."
After she left, Liam and Connor demanded to know what the visit was all about. They'd been in the living room when Rose and I had gone into the parlour, but it wouldn't have surprised me if they'd tried to listen to our conversation through the closed door. After all, that's probably what I would've done. However, the door was the original sturdy Victorian wood, and it was very unlikely they would've heard anything more than muffled voices.
"What were you talking about for so long?" Connor asked. "Was it about us?"
"Yes, it was about all three of us."
They looked at me expectantly, no doubt wanting me to give details, but my mind was still dealing with the complexities of the discussion, and I wasn't sure what I should say or could say. Also, I realised that even after deciding what I could say, I'd still need to work out how to say it in a way that a seven-year-old would understand.
"Are you going to use Rule Two?" the older boy asked suspiciously.
"Erm, no," I replied. "I'm going to tell you, but it's complicated, so I need to work out how to do it. And it's almost time to make dinner, so let's talk about it after we've eaten and we have more time."
Although they were obviously very impatient, they accepted my suggestion and postponed having their curiosity satisfied. As had become usual, Connor helped me prepare the food while Liam looked on and joined in the general chit-chat. However, our chatting on that occasion was more subdued because I was thinking about my conversation with Rose and probably also because they were wondering what I was going to be telling them.
Rose's comment about not getting their hopes up kept going through my mind, and I understood that they'd be hurt if their hopes were dashed. On the other hand, they already knew that life was uncertain. After all, their mother had gone to work one day, and she'd never come back. Also, if I were in their position, I'd rather have a realistic hope that was later dashed than have no hope at all.
Until the adoption was finalised, there would always be the possibility that our hopes might not be fulfilled and that they would be disappointed. Legally, I wouldn't be finally committed until the last papers were signed, but trying to keep my options open until that last moment would only prolong my brothers' insecurity. Also, I really wanted to make the commitment now.
I felt that being honest and open with them was not only the right thing to do but was also the only way to keep their trust. They should know that I was committing myself to caring for them. If my plans didn't work out, then surely their disappointment would hurt them less than months of uncertainty and insecurity.
After the meal, we all sat in the living room with the boys on the sofa and with me in Gran's old armchair.
"Okay," I began. "Like I said, it's complicated, so I'll start with the things you probably already know, just to make sure we all have the same background information. Then I'll tell you about my talk with Rose."
"Can we ask questions?" Connor asked.
"Yes, of course you can," I replied. "After all, with something complicated, I may not explain things very well, so you may want me to explain better."
I took a deep breath to help clarify my thoughts.
"When Mum died, no one knew if you had any family or anyone else to look after you. Because you needed to be cared for, the law said that Social Services should do that. Day-to-day care is given to foster carers like Sarah and David, who have all the powers and responsibilities of parents."
"What does that mean? Day-to-day?" Liam asked.
"It means all the ordinary, everyday things, like providing food and clothes, making sure you go to school, checking that you're healthy, and things like taking you to the dentist. But big decisions like who your foster parents will be are taken by Social Services."
"So Rose makes the big decisions?" the older boy asked.
"Not usually on her own. For very big decisions she'll consult with her boss and other people."
Realising that I was treading a fine line between oversimplifying and confusing them with details, I studied their expressions closely and waited to see if they had any questions before continuing.
"Right, so that's the basic situation," I said. "All the decisions that are made about you are what everyone believes is best for you. Sometimes the best option isn't possible, so the final decision is a compromise."
"What sort of compromise?" Connor asked, frowning.
"For example, if everything were possible, then the best thing would be for you to have carried on going to the same school after Mum died. That way, Liam could keep his friends, and you could have stayed in the football team. But sometimes not everything is possible. The nearest foster home with space for both of you was too far from the old school. Obviously, having a home together is more important than staying in the old school, so you had to go to a new school."
They both appeared to understand, so I continued, "Actually, you're lucky that David and Sarah had room for both of you and that their house wasn't too far away from where you lived with your mum. Sometimes brothers or sisters may have to be split up because there isn't space for both of them in the same house."
They looked at me in shock and horror, clearly upset that they might have been split up.
"Don't worry," I reassured them. "Keeping brothers and sisters together is a top priority. In fact, it's more important than keeping you near to your old home. But suppose that to keep you together, you had to move so far that I couldn't get to visit you so easily. Maybe then I'd only get to see you on video calls."
"I think we're really lucky!" Connor said.
"Yeah," his little brother added.
"Anyway, as I said, when people decide what's best for you, sometimes they have to balance things. That's what I meant by compromise. And sometimes what you want isn't what's best for you, so decisions aren't simple or easy."
"So what's that got to do with what you and Rose were talking about?" Connor asked, clearly impatient for me to get to the point.
"We were talking about what might be best for you and Liam in the future and whether what you want and what I want is really best for you."
"That's too complicated," Liam complained.
"Suppose you want only chocolate cake for every meal," I said, trying to explain. "That wouldn't be good for you, so you couldn't have what you want. Or maybe you don't want to go to school, but you have to do it anyway because it's good for you."
"So you were talking about what's good for us in the future, but it may not be what we want?" Connor said, narrowing his eyes at me.
"It's the job of Social Services and the law to decide what's best. They have to balance lots of things, and of course they'll always take into account what you want."
"Okay," the older boy said with a mixture of impatience and suspicion, "what decision did you and Rose talk about? What do you really mean by 'future'?"
Clearly, his logic and legalistic aptitude were coming into play, and from the expression on his little brother's face, it appeared that he agreed with Connor.
"The specific decision we talked about was where you might want to live in the future and if what you wanted would be best for you."
"That's easy," Connor said, rolling his eyes. "Obviously we want to live here with you."
"Yeah," Liam agreed, nodding his head vigorously.
"I want you to live here with me, but…"
"Yaaayyy!!" The little boy shouted and bounced with happiness, while his brother grinned broadly.
"Both of you need to think about it carefully and discuss it together before deciding."
"But we don't need to…" the older boy began.
"Remember," I interrupted him, "what we want is just part of the picture. The most important thing is considering what's in your best interests, and the people with the responsibility of doing that are Social Services."
"But…" Connor began again.
"It's best if you let me give you more information and then think about it," I interrupted him again.
He sighed in frustration, and Liam grabbed his hand tightly. I felt sad and guilty that the little boy felt the need for such comfort.
"Social Services, and remember it's not just Rose," I continued, "have to consider and balance lots of things to decide what's best for you. And maybe we won't like it."
"What things do they use to decide?" the older boy asked.
"They need to consider if I can look after you on my own or whether it's better for you to have two people to care for you. They need to think about the effect of moving schools. Also, if you lived here, I'd not just be a brother, but I'd have the responsibilities of a parent as well. Maybe you think I'm a fun brother, but maybe you wouldn't like me as a parent."
"We'd like you as anything," Liam protested.
"Also, because of schools and things like that, it's already been decided that it would be best for you to stay with David and Sarah until next summer. Then it's possible that you could live here, but maybe by then you'll have changed your minds about wanting to live with me."
Although Connor seemed to be following me, I wasn't sure if his little brother had understood all the implications. In any case, both of them looked concerned.
"Whatever happens, I promise I'll always be here for you as your brother. We can have video chats, and I'll still see you as often as I can, probably every week. And you can spend holidays with me. So even the worst case won't be any worse than what we have now."
I'd thought they might have asked questions after I'd finished speaking, but instead they remained silent and were clearly unhappy. Concerned that they might have interpreted what I'd said as a rejection, I went over to the sofa and wriggled my way between them. Then I put my arms over their shoulders and hugged them to my sides.
"I'm really sorry if I've upset you," I said, feeling very guilty. "You asked about what I talked about with Rose, and I felt it was best to tell you. But maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should just have used Rule Two."
There was silence for several seconds, during which my feelings of guilt increased. Then Connor spoke.
"I'm glad you told us and didn't keep it secret," he said, sounding more encouraging than sad. "Now we know that, and we can decide what to do."
"You mean decide if you want to live here or not?" I asked.
"No, silly," he replied with a smile, "we can decide how to let everyone know that you'll be a good parent."
"Yeah," Liam added.
"But maybe it' ll feel a bit weird having a brother as a parent," Connor said with a thoughtful frown, "and I'm not going to call you Dad!"
"If they allowed you to live with me, the law would say I'm in the position of a parent, and Social Services would expect me to behave like a parent," I said, trying to sort things out in my own mind as I spoke. "The fact is that I would be responsible for everything, but how we three think about it is up to us."
"What d'ya mean?" the older boy asked.
"The job of caring for you would be the same, but it doesn't matter what label you'd want to use. You could think about me as a parent or maybe as, erm, a team leader."
From their expressions, I guessed that Connor thought I was crazy and his little brother was simply confused.
"We're a team of brothers," I tried to explain, "and teams are stronger than one person or the same number of individuals. Like a football team that works together is better than a bunch of people who just kick a ball around. But in order to work together, there needs to be a leader or team captain to make decisions, especially if the team members can't always agree."
"Why should you be the team captain?" Connor challenged.
"The team captain is usually chosen because of his skills and experience," I pointed out. "Remember we worked as a team when we were camping? When we were doing stuff like putting up tents, you were happy to follow my instructions."
"But that's because you knew how to do it, and we didn't," he responded.
"Exactly," I said. "There are lots of things I've experienced that you two haven't. There are lots of things that people will let me do that they won't let you do. When you're adults, you'll be allowed to do those things. But until then, you need a parent or a team leader or anything else you want to call it."
"Okay," Connor said, nodding his head to indicate that he understood.
"I don't care what you are, or if you're a parent," Liam added. "I just wish we didn't have to wait to come and live with you."
For the next few minutes, we cuddled together on the sofa, each of us absorbed in our own thoughts. Then I felt Connor tense up.
"You said Social Services decides on who looks after us," he said. "So if we lived with you, could they move us away later?"
"They decide on foster carers, but I want to adopt you. Adoption means that I will legally be your parent, and Social Services couldn't take you away unless I was being cruel to you and you needed to be protected."
Liam looked directly into my eyes for a second, and then with certainty he pronounced, "You'd never be cruel to us."
"What happens if we're bad or you don't like us anymore? Will you send us away?" Connor asked, sounding quite concerned.
"First of all," I replied soothingly, hugging him to my side more tightly, "I can't imagine not liking you anymore, and I can't think of anything bad that you could do to make me want to send you away. But being adopted means you are legally my children, so I couldn't send you away, even if I wanted to."
"So you'd be stuck with us forever?" he asked, apparently pleased with the idea.
"I wouldn't put it that way, but I'd be responsible as your parent at least until you're eighteen," I pointed out. "And of course, you'd be stuck with me, so that's why you need to be sure you really want it. That's why all the people who make the decisions will need to be convinced that you really want it."
"We really want it!" Liam said in a rare example of him speaking on behalf of his older brother.
"Yeah," Connor confirmed.
We all seemed to be happy with the outcome of our discussion, and Liam expressed his feelings by sweetly singing some of his favourite songs. As I listened, it occurred to me that at just seven years old, he may not always be able to express his feelings in words, but the tunes he chose to sing were more eloquent than any words. When the little boy had stopped singing, Connor broke the silence.
"Social Services say we have to wait until next year," he said thoughtfully, "but why do you have to follow their rules? You said the law decides if you can adopt us."
"Some rules are best for everyone," I pointed out. "Imagine if there was no rule about what side of the road you should drive on."
"Yeah, but I don't mind moving to a different school so we can live here. Can't we get Social Services to change that rule and let us live with you sooner?"
"You can't change the rules, at least not quickly, and breaking the rules is usually more trouble than it's worth. If we follow Social Services rules, they'll help us, but if we ignore their rules, they might try to stop us. The best thing to do is to learn the rules and use them to get what you want. Like playing chess, you can't change the rules, but you can use them to win."
"I can't play chess," he said, though I was sure that he realised that wasn't relevant to our conversation.
"Okay," I said, trying to think of another analogy. "How about this? Suppose you want to hack into a computer system. You can't change the rules or the code unless you've already got into the system. If you break the rules to get in, there's a good chance that you'll be noticed and blocked. But if you know the rules for getting into the system, you can look for ways to get around them."
"That's sneaky," he replied with a hint of admiration.
"Or some would just say that it's the clever way to do things. After all, lawyers make their whole careers out of learning the rules and using them to get what they want."
His expression indicated that I'd given him considerable food for thought, and I wondered if one of his thoughts might involve the possibility of him becoming a lawyer. After that, we watched TV for a while, and then they went to bed relatively early. When I went upstairs a little later, it was obvious that Liam hadn't even made a pretence of starting the night in his own bed.
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